Prologue:

My name is Jackson Daniel McLean. I’m fourteen and I am far from your normal teenager. For starters my mom got pregnant with me six hours after she met my dad. Yeah, not a very good example but neither one of them have ever been. My parents dated until I was 2. My mom cheated on my dad and he dumped her for good. I still don’t fully understand it; I mean dad cheated on her too. Anyway though, around the time I was five Dad started drinking. I can remember him getting mean when he was drunk. He’d always yell a lot and would skip out on his time with me.  Him being famous made the whole shared custody thing hard you see. He’d get a few months at a time then my mom would get me. So instead of getting to be with him for half a year I was lucky to see him one weekend a year once the drinking started.

So at some point, I dunno how old I was, dad’s band mates intervened. They made him go into rehab. It really seemed to work. He came out doing great. I got to be with him a lot more. He was happier; had longer relationships then just two or three weeks. It was awesome. It was one of the happiest points in my life, thus far anyway. It all lasted till I was 8. My mom dropped me off for a week visit with her parents and never came back. Turns out she went on a big drug binge and got arrested. I don’t know all the ins and outs of it but she got a ton of time in jail. After that I mostly got bounced back and forth between her parents and my dad and his mom. Even after mom got released she never came around. I was fine with it though. I had my grandparents and father to love and care for me. That of course only went on till I was 12.

Yep, two years ago the drinking came back. I kinda think Nick getting into drinking played a part in that but Grandma Dee says not to point the finger at anyone. Whatever.  I guess ultimately it was his choice. He made the wrong one. The drinking hit and he got mean again. This time worse… at least I think so. He’d get angry to a point where he’d throw things. Never at me just, around the house. So once again he went into rehab, this time however my Grandma Dee talked him into it. She’s a life coach so he tends to listen to her unlike most guys with their moms.  I then got shipped back and forth between his mom and my mom’s parents. I hated it. I never felt like I had a home.

Dad came out of rehab about a month ago. He swears he’s clean for good but, between us I’m not so sure. I mean last time he spent a few month in rehab, this time it was only a few weeks. If a few months didn’t work last time what makes a few weeks work? I just don’t get it.  His woman seems to buy it though. He married her two days ago. Ya know, I dunno even why that woman stuck with him. If I was a chick and my man whom I started dating two weeks before he entered rehab had a drinking problem I would not hang around let alone accept a proposal the day after his release. Guess that’s why I’m a dude. I was at their wedding but I still haven’t been living with him. Neither my mom’s parents nor his mom feel he is ready to take me. First it was due to the stress of planning a wedding quickly. Now it’s because he’s on his honey moon. I wonder why they call it that.

Despite these… I dunno what to call them… feelings? Fears? Concerns? Yeah, concerns. Despite these concerns I’m gonna give him a chance once they come back. I don’t really have a choice though. I mean, my mom’s parents are kinda burned out on raising me and Grandma Dee is pushing me to start living with him again. She said I need to learn to let the past go and trust him. It’s easier said than done let me tell ya. I’m willing to try though. I mean, he looked really happy at the wedding. Happier than I’ve ever seen him actually. Maybe this Rochelle girl holds some kinda key to making his sobriety stick. I really hope so. I guess however, only time will tell.

Chapter  1:

I laid on the bed at my grandma Dee’s staring up at the ridges on the ceiling.  Down stairs I could hear the front door open and I groaned in response. Today was the big day. My dad was back from his honey moon and was here to take me home, to his house. This was it. This was supposed to be my last move. I wasn’t ready. More importantly, I was afraid my dad wasn’t ready.

“Mom, Jackson?” I heard him call out. I made no attempt to move or even respond. Grandma Dee however rushed to greet him.

“Alex, Honey, I’m so glad to see you.” She cooed over him as though he were an infant.

“Hey mom, I missed you.” He replied undoubtedly hugging her now.

“Oh Rochelle, It good to see you again sweetie. How are you?”

Upon hearing her name I rolled my eyes. Dad couldn’t have left her side long enough to come get me? Really?

“I’m good Denies.” She returned.

“Please, call me mom.” The line made me roll my eyes. Some times that woman was way too nice.

I know it probably seems like I don’t like Rochelle. Let me explain, it’s not that I don’t like her. I don’t know her enough to like or not like her. I simply disagree that my dad is ready for this type of relationship with her. He hasn’t even been able to handle being a dad. How in the hell is he supposed to be a husband?

“Where is he?” I could hear curiosity in his raspy voice.

Grandma Dee must have simply pointed because next I heard a few footsteps followed by, “Jackson?”

I rolled my eyes again. I roll my eyes a lot.

“Jack?” He said now sounding as though he were half way up the stairs.

“Don’t be lazy.” Grandma Dee instructed.

“Yeah babe, don’t just call for him. Anyone can do that.” Rochelle agreed. Maybe she wouldn’t be too bad to have around.

Suddenly I felt another person near me, “Hey buddy.” His voice said.

I rolled my head sideways and looked at him standing in the door frame, “Hey.”

For a moment he stood awkwardly silent. I couldn’t take it. I spoke up with the first thing that popped into my head.

“Have a good time in Paris with Rochelle?”

Big mistake on my part. The worst, goofy grin spread over his face.

“Yuck.” I told him in disgust as I sat up. My eyes lingered on the suitcases in front of me on the floor.

My life had come down to this. Everything I owned fit into two large suitcases a medium sized box and one small duffel bag. It was kinda depressing.

“Is that everything?” He asked following my eyes.

I only nodded.

“Wow, it’s uh, less than I expected.” He rubbed the back of his head.

He had no idea he had opened up a door. I sat thinking about the rude things I could say in response. I mean he had never taken the time to buy me much. It wasn’t my Grandparents responsibility. It was his.

“Yeah well unlike you I’m not famous. I can’t buy myself anything I want at the drop of a hat…” That was pretty good. “Or I guess in your case it’d be the drop of some sunglasses.” I added something to make it not sound so bad.

I looked up at him and he nodded. He actually looked like he felt bad.

“You can always tell me when there is something you want or need. I don’t have a problem buying you things. You deserve it… everything you’ve been through.”

I sighed a bit. Was he really trying to make it sound like my love could be bought? I wasn’t sure.

“I don’t deserve anything just cause my life has sucked thus far.” It was a bitter pill to swallow but it had to be said.

“Jackson, I’m sorry for everything I’ve done and haven’t done. I really am and hope you can believe me.”

He moved even closer to me. I said nothing.

“I hope in time you’ll be able to forgive me.” He added.

I nodded and looked away from him, “I hope in time you’ll prove you deserve my forgiveness.”

“Fair enough.” He quickly responded.

I stood wanting the conversation to be over. I was like him in the fact I hated conflict, confrontation and anything remotely close to it. I liked smooth sailing; probably due to the fact my life had never been smooth.

“Gonna help me?” I asked slinging my duffel onto my shoulder. I then picked up the box as he stepped in quietly and grabbed the bags.

We made our way down the stairs and past the girls. My grandmother patted my back as I passed by her. I looked at her nervously then gave Rochelle a polite smile but said nothing.

We took my stuff out to his black Navigator then went back in.

“I love you Jackson.” Grandma Dee hugged me as I stepped close to her.

“I love you too.” I replied.

I then stepped aside so dad and Rochelle could tell her bye. My stomach twisted as I watched. I didn’t want to leave.

“You call me if you need anything at all. I’m always gonna be no more than a phone call away.” She assured me.

I could only nodded. If I said anything my voice would crack due to me fighting the urge to cry. In this moment of my life, I was happiest with her. She understood me. She got me. She could read me like book. She however wanted more for me. This is why she was making me live with my dad.

I turned and walked out of the house and quietly got into the car.

For the first half of the ride things were quiet. The second half of the ride the silence got to Rochelle and she began to talk… to me.

“So Jackson, I was telling your dad that your room at his new place could use a face lift. If you want I’d be happy to help you paint or… ya know, do whatever you want to make it more… you.”

The offer was great. I liked the idea of getting to make it my own. I’d never had a room I was truly proud of before.

“That’d be cool. Thanks.” I told her.

I forced myself to speak even though I just wanted to be left alone. I may be a quiet type of guy but I’m certainly not rude. Grandma Dee had taught me better than that.

“Any ideas on what you might want?” Dad jumped in.

“I dunno, red?”

“Red and what? We gotta have a second color.” Rochelle informed me.

I had no idea. What went with Red? “Black?” I didn’t sound very confident.

“Yes, those colors are great together. You could even throw in some grey or silver. It would look amazing.”

I gotta admit. She wasn’t like the step moms I had seen on tv. They were all mean and had no sense of coolness or taste. She on the other hand was sounding like she had a lot of both.

I nodded and allowed myself to smile a small bit.

“I’m really looking forward to getting to know you so don’t be afraid of me. Ask me anything, talk to me whenever. I want us to get along good.” She turned in the front seat to look at me. I could see dad smile in the mirror.

“Ok, I’ll remember that.” I said to her. It got her to turn around.

“You gotta have some questions Jack… or things you want her to know about you… likes, dislikes, something.” Dad was now pushing me to get to know her. I didn’t like that. I wanted things to be on my own terms.

“Uh, sure, I guess for starters you should know I don’t like being called Jack.” I eyed my father in the mirror.

“Ok, is there anything other than Jackson you like to be called?” Her voice was rather sweet.

“JD is cool, never Jr. or Little AJ. Some of my friends call me Daniel but honestly I like plain ole Jackson.” Talking to her wasn’t so hard I guess.

“I didn’t know you didn’t like being called Jack.” Dad popped in.

I quickly opened my mouth to snap back and respond, “How the hell could you?” I mean. He never stuck around long enough to figure it out.

I could hear Grandma Dee in my head scolding me for ‘back talking’ my dad. She had raised me too well.

“It just reminds me of what I was named after.” I decided on replying with the truth. I wanted to see how he would react.

In case you haven’t figured it out by now. I’m named after my father’s favorite alcoholic beverage. Alcohol was over half the reason he’d never been there for me. The last thing I wanted was a reminder of all that. He did a good enough job reminding me all on his own… without even having to call me Jack.

I could hear my dad gulp. He suddenly looked uncomfortable. Rochelle opened her mouth looking confused but then closed it. “Oh…” She finally said. Took a second for her to catch what I was saying.

“Was that your idea or hers?” Rochelle asked after a few moments of awkward silence.

I bit the inside of my cheek to keep from laughing. It was a dumb question.

“Mine.” He quickly replied. He looked upset.

Honestly, I was a little glad it upset him. It meant he had to feel guilty a little. He deserved to feel bad a bit. I had felt bad most of my life.

The car fell a bit silent again as we drove. My eyes looked out the window as we drove past random buildings, people and cars. I wasn’t even sure where we were going. I wanted to ask but it seemed a little irrelevant. I mean, I couldn’t protest if I didn’t like the answer.

I figured it out soon enough on my own. We pulled into the parking lot of a large hotel.

“Why are we here?” I had to know.

“Flight home isn’t till tomorrow.” Dad said as he got out.

I didn’t understand. If we had to stay overnight why didn’t we just stay with Grandma Dee? Also… home? What did he mean flight home? I thought he lived here in Florida.

“Where…” I had trouble forming a sentence through my confusion. “Where is… home?”

I knew where MY home was. My home was with Grandma Dee. At least, that’s how I felt. Calling something else home just seemed… wrong.

“Cali.” Rochelle flashed me a warm smile as she jumped out the vehicle.

“Cali? As in California?” I asked out loud. I was alone in the car. Neither of them could hear me.

My heart felt like it was suddenly being ripped apart. Grandma Dee never said anything about dad living outside of Florida. She just said I was going to live with him now.

So not only was I being taken away from Grandma Dee but I was being taken all the way to the other side of the country. That just wasn’t fair.

“You gonna get out?” Dad asked opening my door.

I couldn’t make my eyes meet his. I couldn’t move. I was in shock. “Flight. Cali.” Was all I could say.

“Yes, flight to California. Tomorrow morning. I… we… live in California.” He seemed oblivious as to why I seemed dazed.

Slowly I moved out of the car. My eyes still couldn’t meet his or Rochelle’s. I felt like I was in a vortex or something.

“Jackson, are you ok?” Rochelle asked. She sounded concerned. He hand fell on my shoulder and I looked at it. Suddenly my eyes traveled over her hand, up her arm and then landed on her eyes.

I moved my mouth a little to fix the dryness I felt.

“Jackson?” She asked again. Now she looked worried.

“Uh…” I tried to shake off the uneasy feeling. “Why, why aren’t we staying the night with…” I wasn’t sure what to call her when speaking to Rochelle.

“Moms dealt with you long enough.” Dad spoke up.

Dealt with me? Was he trying to say that I was some sort of a burden?

“Alex!” Rochelle scolded him instantly. “Our flight is very early. The hotel is much closer to the airport and we didn’t want to trouble her.” She said turning to me.

“Oh.” I didn’t know what else to say. I was dealing with a rather large mix of emotions.

Let’ see, I was concerned about living with dad. I was struggling with the idea of going all the way to Cali. My father had just made me feel like a burden and now his new wife seemed to have genuine concern for me. I wasn’t sure how I felt about the last thing.

“I’m sure you just need time to adjust. I’ll always have an ear if you need me.” She rubbed my shoulder a little and walked toward the back of the car.

“You need to apologies. That couldn’t have helped boost his self-esteem.” I heard Rochelle quietly tell him.

“I didn’t mean it like it sounded.” He defended himself.

“I know that but he doesn’t Alex.”

I looked over and saw dad give her a strange look.

“I’m just trying to help. You said you wanted me to help you with all this.”

“Yeah, you’re right.” His eyes shot down to his feet.

Only a moment later dad looked towards me and I quickly looked away. After a deep sigh I could hear him walk toward me.

“Jackson…” He paused and I turned my eyes to look at him. “I’m sorry. What I said sounded really harsh and I didn’t mean it that way.”

My mouth opened but I closed it fearful of how to respond.

“I just meant that mom isn’t getting any younger. Taking care of any kid, not just you, is hard. I want the stress off her shoulders. You’re my son not hers.”

It made sense. His comment however still hurt. I nodded.

Maybe I just needed to cut him a little slack. He hadn’t had much of a chance to learn how to be a parent, what to say, what not to say. It of course was his own fault but still… maybe he just needed a chance to learn.

“It’s alright. Maybe just uh, think a bit before you say something next time.”

He nodded then smiled, “Brian tells me that all the time. I’ll work on it, kay?”

“Kay.” I replied again.

He smiled a bit bigger and slung an arm around me. It amazed me a bit. Did he really think we were fine that quickly?

“So, I don’t wanna take everything inside. Can you handle just taking in what you need for one night?” He asked.

“Uh, yeah.” I said and scratched my head. I hadn’t really organized my stuff. I had just thrown in all in.

I grabbed the larger of my two bags and unzipped it. Instantly Rochelle giggled. Dad and I looked at her.

“Your dad packs the same way.” She explained.

Dad blushed but slid his arms around her anyway. She turned her head and kissed his cheek and I turned away.

After ruffling through my bag I grabbed out some shorts and a t-shirt to sleep in and some jeans to put on in the morning. I stuffed them into my small duffel and turned to my father. He was still holding onto Rochelle.

“I’m ready.” I told them.

It was almost a lie. I was ready to go inside but I wasn’t ready for the rest of my life. I was far from ready for the rest of my life.

Chapter 2:

I found myself now sitting next to my dad near our gate. Rochelle had gone off to use the bathroom while we waited to be called to board.

My left knee bounced a little due to my nerves. The thought of flying terrified me. Sure, I had flown before. I just happened to be so little at the time I have no memory of it now.

My eyes seemed locked on the part of the plane I could see out the window. As each second turned into a minuet it felt like simply breathing was growing harder and harder.

My fingers found their way to the hem of my shirt. Nervously I rolled the edge of the cloth between my fingers. It was a nervous habit.

“Hey pal, you alright?”

My mouth opened to respond to dad’s questioned but I couldn’t make any words come out. My eyes couldn’t turn away from the plane.

“Jackson?” I could see him turn towards me out of the corner of my eye.

“I… uh…” I tried again to make words come out. I felt a heat wave rush over me. I began to sweat a little.

“It’s just a plane. People fly every day. You’re gonna be fine.”

I have to admit, it was a slight bit nice to know my dad could see I was scared of flying without my having to tell him. It didn’t however calm my nerves.

“Fine?” I could only get the one word to come out.

How did he figure I would be fine? Had he not watched TV? Planes go down all the time. They hit turbulence. Hell, now days they were equipped with oxygen mask! They wouldn’t be there unless emergencies happened.

“Shit.” I heard dad curse as Rochelle came back.

“What’s wrong babe?” She asked sitting on his other side.

“He’s afraid to fly.”

“Oh…” She trailed off. I could tell she was trying to come up with a solution. “Well, isn’t Nick afraid of flying? What does he do to help calm his nerves?”

“I can’t give Jackson a shot of whisky.”

She got silent. For a moment it took my mind off the problem at hand.

“What about Brian? He’s afraid of heights right? Does flying bother him?” It was really nice to see her trying so hard to help me.

“Yeah but, I dunno what he does to help.” I didn’t even half to look at dad to tell he was getting flustered.

“Ok, well…” She paused as she stood and came over to sit by me. “Jackson, I know flying can be nerve racking. You just have to tell yourself that everything will be alright. Think of something good and relaxing. Once you get on the plane maybe try closing your eyes and focusing really hard on that good thing.”

I glanced at her and nodded. I guess I could try it.  What other choice did I have? I really couldn’t see dad calling off the plans for me to come live with him due to my fear of flying.

Just then we were called to board. I tried to hold my nerves at bay as I followed Rochelle onto the plane. Dad who was walking behind me patted my back. At least he was trying, right?

“Window or Aisle?” Dad asked as we came to our seats.

“No, not the window.” I shook my head. I did not want the opportunity to look out the window and watch the plane spiral downward should we start to crash.

“Good thought Jackson.” Rochelle reminded me as she took the window seat.

Dad placed her and my bags in the overhead compartment. He then took the middle seat next to his wife. I sat down next to dad and took a few deep breaths. My eyes closed tight and I tried to think about something positive.

That proved itself to be rather difficult. What was good in my life? What was a happy moment?  I tried hard to think. My happiest memory was one I wasn’t even sure was real.

I was maybe two. My parents were still dating. I ran into my mom’s room one morning. Much to my surprise dad was in bed with her. She was lying in his arms. I caught dad’s eye and he called out to me. I ran towards the bed and he rolled over just enough to bring me into bed with them. Mom moved over and dad laid me between the two of them. Mom kissed the side of my face then dad followed suite. I smiled. They kissed and I clapped. Everything in that moment was perfect.  They loved each other. A series of terrible events had yet to unfold in my life.

“How you doing Son?” Dad’s voice broke my thoughts.

Somehow my ‘happy moment’ had gotten me through take off. We were in the air. Part of me was relieved. Part of me was still scared.

“Uh, alright, maybe.” I told him. I forced myself to take a few slow deep breaths.

“Where’d you go?” He asked.

I wasn’t ready to share the details. I just shook my head a bit and said, “My happy place.”

He got quiet. I assumed he understood based on my actions and lack of commentary that I wasn’t interested in chatting about it.

“Well uh, I’m glad you’re doing ok. “

I nodded.

Before long feelings of fear seem to slip away as an uneasy feeling washed over me. I broke out in a cold sweat. My stomach turned violently and a vinegar taste coated my mouth.

I knew what was about to happen. It wasn’t gonna be pretty.

I had no idea what to do however. I couldn’t just get up and run to the bathroom. I needed to stay safe in my seatbelt. I couldn’t however vomit all over my self either.

As my head began to spin I grabbed my father’s wrist tightly. I was desperate.

“Owe Jacks-“ Dad began turning to me but stopped upon seeing my now pail face. “Shit!” He cursed and began fumbling with the papers tucked into a pocket on the back of the seat in front of him.

“Babe, quick, here.” Rochelle said easily reaching in the midst of his fumbling hands and pulled out a white sack.

Dad grabbed it, opened it quickly and passed it to me. His timing was great.

As I emptied the contents of my stomach into the small bag I felt grateful for having not listened to my father this morning. He had told me to eat a big breakfast so I wouldn’t get hungry. I had chosen to only eat a doughnut and sip on a bit of milk.

In the background I noticed a flight attendent show up. Dad said something to her and she hurried off as I finished.

“She’s getting you some medicine.” Dad informed me.

“Here sweetie.” She came back quickly.

Embarrassment washed over me like a crashing wave as she exchanged my nasty filled bag for a small plastic cup with a white pill in it.

“Here, a bottle of cold water too.” She smiled and handed it to me.

“Thanks.” I said and took the pill. I relaxed back in my seat. When would this ride be over?

“Let me know if you guys need anything else.” She smiled and walked away.

“That medicine should help soon. Maybe you should try closing your eyes.” Rochelle reached over dad and patted my shoulder.

I was really starting to enjoy her presence. I wouldn’t have given you two dimes for thinking she’d be as sweet as I’m finding she is. The first time I saw her, honestly, I thought nothing but bad of her. Dyed pitch black hair, an equal amount of tattoos as my father and way too much make up. I guess first impressions aren’t always everything people say they are.

I closed my eyes as she had suggested and tried to relax.

Why did all this have to be happening? My teenage mind couldn’t get wrapped around it.

I almost wished my father had turned out to be one of those dead beat dads. Maybe then I would have ended up someplace where my life would be somewhat normal and consistent.

Before long the pill began to work and sleep fell over me.

Sleep was one thing I enjoyed. Now, don’t misunderstand. I do enjoy sleep because I’m a teenager but that’s not the only reason. I enjoy sleep because it always acts as a temporary relief from the pain and hurt life tended to send my way.

In my dreams I could be anyone. I could do anything. My life could be so much better if I wanted. I liked that.

When I woke I found Rochelle was asleep with her head on dad’s shoulder. Dad had black ear buds in his ears and his eyes were closed. I could hear his music playing. Something told me that couldn’t be good for his hearing. I assume however music at his shows boom a lot louder in his ears than that.

Not only was the man gonna be bald but he was gonna be deaf. Oh and let’s not forget crippled. Grandma Dee says knee injuries never fully heal.

I couldn’t help but let out a sigh. I was now bored.  I thought about getting my cd player from my bag but that didn’t seem like a very safe idea. It would require me getting out of the seatbelt.

As my eyes drifted around the plane the idea seemed even less of a good idea. No one else had portable cd players. They all had mp3 players and cell phones that played music. I didn’t have an mp3 player and my cell phone was just a phone.

Suddenly I heard dad’s music shut off. I looked towards him.

“You’re awake.” He commented.

Wasn’t that obvious? “Yep” I agreed.

For a moment we sat silent. I then asked, “How much longer? I’m bored.”

He glanced at the time on his fancy phone, “Not too much.”

Again we fell silent. I slouched a little in the seat and sighed once more. This plane ride really sucked.

“Here” He offered and passed me his phone along with the ear buds. “We’ll have to get you one.”

“Really?” I asked him. I had been an iPhone like his since they first came out. Never thought I’d actually get to have one though.

“Yeah, mom told me you’ve had your eye on them.” He replied as I slid my finger on the screen to unlock the phone. “Oh uh, just stay outta the photos. Ro would kill me if you got looking around in there.”

The sick feeling returned instantly, “Yuck, way too much information.” I told him.

Dad smiled and apologized. What an idiot.

For a moment I wondered; if my dad knew I had been wanting an iPhone, and if dad was willing to buy things at my request, why had he not bought me one yet? He had told me to just ask.

I considered asking him. I chose not to however knowing that it would start a conversation I was not ready for. Not only was I not ready for it, I wasn’t sure dad was ready for it. Also, let’s not forget that now was not the place. Rochelle was here, sleeping yes but within ear shot none the less.

Public ear were not far from us either. People had been eyeing us all day. I wasn’t heartless. I didn’t want to start a conversation that would possible enable someone to report to the media that my dad had not been an award winning father despite being an award winning singer.

Instead I just began looking, carefully, through the phone. I checked out a few games and played around with them for a while. It was a great way to pass the time.

Finally I decided to check out dad’s collection of music. I quickly found his taste to be very far from my own. He had an occasional song or two that I liked. I was kinda surprised to find that my dad had music from his band mate’s solo projects. Not only did he have Howie and Nick’s music… he had Brian’s too. My dad listened to Brian’s Christian music? I had never known my father to listen to Christian music. The only exception was the occasion funeral or church service for Christmas Eve.

“You listen to this?” I asked pulling one ear bud out of my ear as the sound of Brian singing “My answer is you” blared in the other.

Dad looked at the screen on his phone, “Honestly, I don’t. I mean, if I have the phone on shuffle and it plays I won’t skip it but… yeah… I love Brian but groovin’ to God music aint my thing.”

I couldn’t help but laugh a little. I had never heard it said like that before.

“It’s just on their cause I got copies of all my boys stuff.” He explained.

I just nodded. As I began to replace the ear bud he spoke again, “Ya know, my solo stuff is on there too.”

I glanced at him the finished putting the ear bud in my ear. He was asking me to listen to it. I knew how his “subtle hints” worked.

Inwardly I rolled my eyes but searched for his songs none the less. In the corner of my eye I could see a grin form on his face.

Drive by love I found to be pretty cool. Teenage wildlife was alright. Then a slower song came on. I looked for the title.

Sincerely Yours? I inwardly questioned.

As the lyrics began to play I could feel a strange sensation welling up within me. I had heard through Grandma Dee the stories of his father. I could understand the lyrics; what they meant. I found myself angry none the less.

How could he call his own father out for not being there for him when he had never been there for me? It didn’t seem right. It wasn’t right.

I couldn’t listen to the whole song. I stopped in, locked the phone and pulled the ears buds out of my ears.

Almost tossing it into dad’s lap he looked at me. He seemed confused yet clueless.

“Am I that bad?” He asked.

Ha, if only he really knew what he was asking.

“No, Drive by love was cool; just tired of music.” I half lied.

He nodded as I looked away.

I could hear him unlock the phone and then momentarily freeze. I then heard him deeply sigh.

“Jackson, I…” He started but I cut him off.

“Save it.” I didn’t care how rude it was.

“You don’t understand.” He tried again.

“I don’t care to either.” I snapped back.

A hand ran widely through his hair then covered his mouth as his eyes closed.

I could only stare at him. After a moment I was gonna apologize for having sounded disrespectful but the speakers coming on stopped me.

The flight attendant announced that we were landing.  I took a deep breath. A feeling of mixed emotions washed over me.

I was fearful again, what if a landing gear stuck? What if the breaks went out? At the same time I was concerned about dad and I’s relationship. Would it ever be able to be fixed? Would we always have a feeling of tension between us like we did at this moment? More importantly, would my life from this point forward get better or worse?

CHAPTER 3:

After dad woke up Rochelle we all walked off the plane and to the baggage claim. We gathered our bags and headed for dad’s car. We packed our bags into the trunk then climbed in and drove off to his house… my… house.

All of that took place in total silence. Not even Rochelle spoke. She looked pretty sleepy. Dad looked lost in thought and I… I guess I was lost in thought too.

I was angry, upset, confused and hurt. I honestly wanted to call Grandma Dee and explain what was going on. I wanted to try and use it as a tool to convince her being with my father was not a good idea. I couldn’t though. Not right now anyway. I would once I was alone.

“Finally,” Rochelle broke the silence as I felt the car slow down. “We’re home.” She sounded happy. The car stopped and she quickly got out. I sat perfectly still looking at the very large home through the window. It reminded me of a larger version of dad’s first big house. It was white brick with an almost red colored roof. Dad’s last two houses that I had seen reminded me of a vampire’s castle.

I heard my dad sigh deeply and looked just in time to catch him staring at me through the rear view mirror. I couldn’t figure out if his eyes where full of sorrow and anger. Either way didn’t exactly thrill me. They both meant the same thing. They meant dad and I still had a lot to work on if we were ever gonna be ok. At that moment I didn’t care much if we ever got better. I was angry.

Dad pretended to cough a bit then got out of the car. I continued to sit there. I needed a moment to take everything in.

“Jackson, you alright?” I heard Rochelle ask as the car door near me opened.

I just nodded then got out slowly. Dad had already gotten a few of my things so silently I grabbed the rest and followed him up to the door.

“Why don’t you just show him his room. He can have a tour later. I’m sure he’s tired right now.” Rochelle said unlocking the door.

Dad only nodded to agree. The silence continued.

We entered the home and were greeted by two large dogs. Dad seemed happy to see them but held back his emotions. Rochelle called them away and I took in the room around me. Based on how well it was decorated I knew either Rochelle had done it or they had hired someone. There was no chance dad had decorated, I knew for one cause the every frame hung perfect level.

Dad glanced at me quickly then headed up a large set of slightly spiraled stairs. I assumed I was to follow.

I tried not to look nosey as I glanced around the house and into rooms as we walked. Most of the doors were closed so there wasn’t much to see. Then dad walked into a bright pastel blue room. My nose wrinkled at the sight of the color. Now I knew why Rochelle had commented about changing it to something I liked.

The furniture was ok at least. It wasn’t anything fancy but it was much better than anything I had in the past. The bed looked like it was queen size. That was pretty cool. The headboard was some type of cast iron. The dresser and desk where a maple wood and the computer chair looked super comfortable. It was a rather large room too. I figured with some new paint it had potential to be my best room yet. Of course I didn’t have many past bedrooms to judge.

Still silent dad sat my things down on the end of the bed. I dropped what I had on the floor. Awkward did not even begin to describe the feeling I now had. Dad and I tried to avoid looking at each other but somehow our eyes met. I could feel that mine looked cold. Dad’s… I still couldn’t read them. They almost seemed like they had a mix of emotions filling them. Maybe that’s why I couldn’t understand them.

The longer our eyes met the more an angry feeling welled up inside of me. I wanted him to leave me alone. He was nothing more than a selfish hypocrite. I hated him. I didn’t care if I wasn’t supposed to. I did.

“Jack-“

“Save it!” He tried to speak but I cut him off. His voice had been low, almost sounding remorseful. Still, I didn’t care.

“You don’t understand.” He told me.

“I don’t care to either.” I told him as I walked and sat down in the computer chair.

“Please just hear me out.” Now he seemed to beg. He took a step closer to me as his fingers reached for the hem of his shirt. The action stuck me but not enough to relax me.

“Why should I?” I spat. Grandma Dee probably would have backhanded me by now. She had not raised me to speak disrespectfully to adults. This adult however didn’t deserve much respect in my mind however.

“Because you’re getting upset about something you shouldn’t.” His hand came up and ran threw his thinning hair wildly. He was frustrated.

“I shouldn’t get upset? Are you insane?” My voice raised as I stood.

Dad looked a little taken back. I didn’t blame him. My actions were very out of character.

“Jackson, the song-“

“The song showed your true colors. You’re a damn hypocrite.” I fought a growing lump in my throat.

“I wrote it before you were born!” He shouted.

I opened my mouth to speak but couldn’t. His words registered in my head and quieted me.

He stood quiet for a moment as I tore my eyes away from him. When he seemed sure I wasn’t going to speak he kept talking. “I wrote that when I was your age. I never meant for anyone to hear it. Not even him. Then Ro came across it and fell in love with it. She told me I needed it on the album. I fought her for the longest time but eventually caved. I didn’t mean for it to hurt you.”

I took in his words. The last line however spoke louder than the rest. “That’s always been your excuse. You didn’t mean to. You never mean to hurt me. Yet, you always do.”

“Jackson, please.” He pleaded. “Believe me, I’m sorry.”

I shook my head and he looked as though it broke it his heart. My next words would break it even more. “Let me ask you one thing.”

He looked at me.

“How does it feel?” My eyes pierced through him. I let the silence linger then said, “Now, the tables have turned.”

“I’m sorry.” He whispered then left the room.

My heart raced. My pulse pounded.

He was sorry. Like that word made it better. It was almost funny. Ha, was supposed to believe him too. That was really rich. I had believed him the first hundred times. He wasn’t going to fool me anymore.

I walked over to my door a slammed it shut. I was ready to be alone and call Grandma Dee.

I pulled out my dinosaur of a cell phone and dialed her number. Sitting back down in my chair I listened to it ring.

“Hello honey.” She picked up.

“Hey.” I said back. My tone was very short.

“Uh oh. What’s going on?” She knew me too well.

“I know you always say we aren’t supposed to hate anyone but I hate him. I wanna come back to your house. Please don’t make he stay here with… with… HIM.”

“Jackson, slow down now. Start at the beginning so I can help.” Her voice was soft and comforting.

“I was listening to songs on his cell phone and one of his came on. Sincerely yours. He’s so hypocritical. What’s worse is we get here to his place and he tries to tell me he wrote it before I was born and that Rochelle made him put it on the album and that he didn’t mean to hurt me. Then he tries to tell me he’s sorry. What a joke!”

“Jackson, He wasn’t lying. He and I talked about that song and Ro wanting it on his album. I told him she was right and to put it on there.”

I said nothing.

He hadn’t been lying. His story was true. It didn’t make me feel bad however. He had hurt me He wanted his millionth ‘I’m sorry’ to fix it.

“Jackson, I know the words of that song couldn’t have made you feel good but that’s no reason to come back here. You need to be with your father so you both can work things out. You both need each other more than you know.” She tried hard to convince me.

“But he keeps saying he’s sorry then hurting me again. He’s been doing it my whole life. How is this time different? Why should I trust him now? I don’t wanna get hurt by him again.” A tear formed and rolled down my cheek.

“Honey, you have to be patient. If he means it he’ll show you. You have to give him time to show you. I know deep down you want him in your life. You always have.”

She was right. She always was.

“But..” I tried to argue.

“No. No buts. You are staying with him. I won’t let you two give up on each other. I want both of you to be happy. That’ll never happen till you both work things out. Make it happen.”

“I don’t know how.” More tears slid down my face.

“Yes you do Jackson. Don’t let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game.”

I took a deep breath. “I can’t make any promises.” I told her.

She seemed to ignore me, “I love you Jackson.”

“Love you too Grandma Dee.”

With that we both said goodbye and hung up.

Emotions once again filled me and swirled around over whelming me. I took a few breaths fighting what I knew I couldn’t.

I stood and move to my bed as a tear fell down my face again. As my face hit the cool pillow I let go and allowed the tears to fall. I felt… broken.

I woke up unable to remember having ever fallen asleep. My moist pillow told me I had to have fallen asleep crying.

The thought made me feel like such a girl.

I sat up slowly vowing to never tell anyone how I had fallen asleep crying.

As I sat in almost silence the conversation I’d had with Grandma Dee played back in my head.

We both need each other. That’s what she had said. I wasn’t sure if I believed it.

Now, her theory of my desiring him deep down I could buy into. A lot of kids repressed feelings of wanting their absent parent in their lives. It was a possibility with me I guess.  I just wasn’t so sure if it was true.

Now the other half of what she said. Dad needing me. That had to be some kind of joke. I mean, how many years had dad gone without me in his life? Yeah, a lot and he always seemed to cope just fine without me.

Still, Grandma Dee hardly ever was wrong. Could she possibly be wrong about dad needing me? I kinda doubted it.

So, if Dad and I needed each other, why did it feel like we hated each other? Maybe answering that question could pull us back together.

I stood and took a deep breath. My eyes fell on the things dad had carried into the room earlier.

‘Oh yeah’ I thought remembering what I had said to him before he left.

Guilt suddenly filled my stomach. I had been wrong. Worse I had said some things I’d never want Grandma Dee to know about.

She’d want me to make thing rights. I can’t say she’d be wrong in wanting me to do that either. I just hated admitting I was wrong. That’s one thing I figure I must get from my father.

I groaned as I headed toward the door. I knew my stomach would never feel better until I told him I was sorry. Plus, I figured it couldn’t hurt us trying to work things out.

I opened the door and looked down both ends of the hall. I had no idea where he was or how to get where he might be.

Slowly I started down one way and began looking into different rooms cautiously.

“Bathroom” I quietly commented looking in the first room. The second room seemed to be another guest room.

I continued down to the last room at this end of the hall. As the door opened my eyes fell upon what had to be what Grandma Dee would call, the catch all room. After being assured it was unoccupied I stepped in. Call me rude but I was curious.

I looked into a few boxes and uncovered dad’s decorative thing’s that I’m guessing Rochelle found just as ugly as I thought they were.

A few other boxes had random things I assumed belonged to Rochelle.

Then, there was a box marked ‘Alexander’s stuff’. A smile spread over my face. It was a rare thing to hear or see that name. It was a little amusing.

Curiosity caught me and I began to open the box. Everything seemed very old. It had to be his things from when he was little. There was an old stuffed dog and a few pictures he must have colored. Then under a ratted blanket I saw a shoe box marked with a child’s hand writing. It simply said, ‘keep out or else’.

Keep out to me was more of a challenge to look without being caught. As my fingers brushed against the lid I heard the door squeak behind me.

“Jackson?” I heard and jumped about a mile.

I spun around quickly as I pulled my hands away from the old shoe box.

“Sh- shoot.” I caught myself as my eyes met Rochelle’s.

“What are you doing in here?” She asked. Thankfully she didn’t sound upset, rather just confused.

“I uh, was just…” How did I respond?

“This is kinda the junk room. It’s sort of embarrassing.” She admitted cutting me off.

“Oh…” I trailed off wondering if she was gonna tell dad I had been in one of his boxes.

“I keep meaning to come in here and clean up but, I never do.” She motioned for me to leave the room.

“I… I’m sorry.” I told her as she closed the door.

“It’s ok.” She told me and we walked down the hall.

I kept quiet as she seemed to follow me to the other end of the hall where the stairs were.

“Are you hungry or anything?” She seemed to be a little lost as to what to say or do.

“Actually, I uh…” Now I was embarrassed. “I was wanting to talk to my dad.”

My words seem to catch her off guard. She nodded and replied, “Uh yeah, he’s in his man cave.”

I couldn’t stop the slight laugh that came out of my mouth.

“Man cave?” I asked as she too smiled.

“Yeah, it’s the one room in the house I let him design without any help from me.”

Suddenly I understood, “Ah ha.”

“Anyway, it’s down here.”

I began to follow her down the stairs and through the house into the kitchen.

“Down there.” She pointed to a door.

“In the basement?” I asked. It seemed a bit strange.

“Oh uh, it’s sound proof down there.” She explained.

I nodded and nervously opened the door. As I stepped down on the first step I closed the door behind me softly. Suddenly I felt like I was in a totally different place. The walls going down the stairs where covered in old posters and random oddly shaped lights.

I took another deep breath trying to shake off my nerves and headed down the stairs.

When I reached the bottom I turned toward the rest of the basement. My heart pounded.

I glanced around the room staying silent. It seemed to be a cross between a recording studio and the back room of an old club with a pool table added in the corner.

Then I spotted my dad. He was sitting on the floor with his knees bent and his face hidden in his hands. To one side of him sat on old guitar and to the other side was a stack of sheet music and scrap notebook paper.

Half of me wanted to retreat. The other half of me wouldn’t allow me to however.

I opened my mouth but no sound came out. Why was I acting like such a nerd?

I decided rather to just close my mouth and clear my throat.

Dad jumped a little and looked at me. When he saw my face he seemed to quickly change his stature. “Jackson.” He said rushing to stand. I could clearly see he was trying to hide having been upset.

It made me feel even worse.

“How did you, know I was… down here?” He struggled to collect himself.

“Rochelle.” I replied trying not to let my voice crack from nerves.

“Oh” he said back turning away from me and picking up the paper at his bare feet.

For a moment an awkward silence fell between us. Even dad seemed uncomfortable.

I grasped the hem of my shirt and rolled it in my fingers, “Can we… talk?”

He didn’t answer right away. It scared me a little.

“Do you plan on making me feel like shit some more?” He asked.

The words both stung and pissed me off. Here I was trying to make things right and he was being an ass.

“Forget it.” I spat and turned toward the stairs.

“Jackson wait!” He called as my foot hit the step to start up.

I froze.

“I shouldn’t have said that. I’m just…”

I waited to hear what he would say.

“Upset.”

I nodded. The truth, it felt good to hear it from him.

I took yet another breath and looked toward him.

“It’s alright.” I began as I fought to look him in the eye.

“No, I’m sorry.” He now grabbed the hem of his shirt causing my breath to catch in my throat.

“I..” I dropped my shirt finally. “I am too.”

He looked stunned. Way to make me feel like an ass.

I suppose I deserved the look though. I hadn’t been very kind to him thus far. “What I said, earlier… it was wrong. I was wrong.”

He said nothing.

“I uh, called Grandma Dee after you left the room. She told me about the song.”

His eyes turned away from me and he walked toward a couch in the room. Sitting down he glanced at me, “Come, sit.”

Awkwardly I walked over and sat down. I didn’t know what to say anymore.

“Jackson, I tried to tell you earlier… I wrote that before you were born.”

“I know, she told me. I, didn’t believe you before.”

“I can’t say I blame you. I haven’t given you much reason to trust what I say.”

I nodded and swallowed hard, “That… that didn’t give me the right to be disrespectful. I’m sorry.”

“Did she ask you to tell me that?”

“No, I figured she’d want me to though. It’s the right thing to do.” I told him.

“You didn’t have to.” He sounded upset still.

“I wanted to.” I told him catching his eyes directly in my own for the first time.

“Thank you Jackson.”

Another moment of awkward silence passed as our eyes stayed locked.

Just as I felt a tear wanting to fall I quickly stood and nodded, “Yeah, you’re welcome.”

Before anything else could be said I moved to the stairs and jogged up them.

I blew past Rochelle and out the front door not even bothering to close it. I sat on a chair on the front porch and placed a hand over my mouth. I fought tears. I hated crying. I wasn’t a girl for God sake.

Having a moment with dad… it just scared me. We had shared a good moment. It had given promise of things working out. That meant the next step was him breaking my heart which ultimately meant I had fallen for his act… again.

A day later I found myself in my room. I had refused to talk to Rochelle when she had followed me outside. I knew she’d just ask dad what happened but I was confident that even he didn’t know why I ran out. He wasn’t very bright.

As hard as it is to admit it, I ran off cause I was scared and kinda angry too. I was scared that I was getting too close to him. I was angry because in the back of my head I knew how it would end.

Today I had avoided all of them. I skipped breakfast to sleep in and had spent all morning forcing myself to unpack. I was pretty hungry but I stuck it out.

By the time lunch time hit I felt like I was gonna die. Just when I was about to crack a knock sounded on my door.

“Jack- son.” The word was split. Dad had almost forgotten about what I had said to Rochelle. For me that was exhibit A. It was proof for me that he had been acting.

“What?” I almost shouted. “Uh… I mean, yeah?” I tried again. Once again I rolled my eyes at how well Grandma Dee had done teaching me to always be respectful. I didn’t wanna respect my dad. My actions however were just habit.

The door slowly opened. “Everything ok?” He asked looking into the room.

“Yeah.” I nodded not really looking at him.

“We haven’t spoken since… well yesterday.” He said.

Just great. He wanted to talk again. I could feel it.

“I know.” I said sitting down on my bed.

“I guess I’m just confused. Did I say something wrong?” He sounded uncomfortable.

I just shook my head. I didn’t wanna talk. I didn’t wanna let myself get any closer to him.

“Come on Jackson. I’m trying here. Give me something.” He begged sitting near me on the bed.

“Are you… trying I mean?” My words were cold but my voice stayed at a normal pitch.

“Man, what the fuck?” He cursed standing up.

I stood also. The angst built up within me cried to come out. “Are you actually trying or is this just another act, dad.” I gushed with sarcasm as I called him dad. My voice now elevated a bit.

“Act, Is that what you think? I’m acting?”

“You always do!” I yelled. My yelling seemed to open the flood gates. Tears began rolling down my face. He seemed very taken back. I didn’t care. I was on a roll.

“You always act like you care. I let my guards down, get close to you then BAM, you close the door and I’m left feeling alone and empty wondering what the fuck is wrong with me that my own parents can’t stand to be around me. Then of course you leave your mother to do the dirty work and pick up all the broken pieces.”

I could feel my body shaking.

“God.” My father seemed to whisper. His eyes too became moist. “Jackson, son… I…”

“Save it you son of bitch! I don’t care anymore.” I stopped to wipe my eyes then kept going. “I may have no choice in living here but I have a choice in whether or not I allow myself to be crushed by you.”

“I’m so sorry.” A single tear rolled down the side of his face.

Without saying another word he left my room.

I had never seen my father cry before. Not ever. I had seen him upset but never crying.

Down the hall I could hear Rochelle, “Alex?”

“No, stop. Let me go.” His voice cracked and I heard him on the stairs next.

I fell to floor. Tears flowed uncontrollably.

How had my life gotten to this point? What had I done to bring all this upon myself?

“Jackson?” I heard my door open.

I couldn’t respond. I cried loudly where I laid on the floor. My body shook.

“Jackson?” It was Rochelle. Suddenly she was at my side with a hand on my back.

I kept crying. I didn’t want to but I couldn’t help it. I was so broken.

“Shh… It’s ok.” She tried to sooth me.

“No, it’s not ok. It’s never gonna be ok.” I gasped.

“I don’t know everything that’s happened between you and your dad but if you wanna talk… I promise to listen.”

Still crying I looked at her. I had never been a good judge of people but I knew undoubtedly that she sincerely cared.

I pushed myself up with my hands as she lowered herself and sat on the floor.

The tears softened but I couldn’t speak.

I was taken aback by her kindness. It didn’t make any sense to me.

As I sat up completely she looked into my eyes and after a moment she leaned forward and her arms wrapped around me.

The feeling was nice. In the back of my head I screamed for her to never let go. I couldn’t remember the last time someone other than Grandma Dee had showed true compassion for me and held me.

“Jackson, I wanna help but I don’t understand what’s going on.” She whispered.

Reluctantly I pulled away and looked at her.

The next hour she dropped everything to listen to me as I relived and told her important details from my life.

She just listened. Never said a word other than the occasional question to clarify something I had said.

I finished by telling her the things that had happened the past few days. I ended with the exchange dad and I just lived through.

“I’ve heard your dad’s side on all this but I had no idea what all you went through.” She told me.

We now sat still on the floor but leaned against my bed.

I had no idea where my father had gone and I didn’t care.

I glanced at Rochelle and nodded. I quickly had grown to like her. She seemed to be one thing dad had done right.

“I can’t speak for Alex but… I’m so sorry Jackson.”

“It’s not your fault. It’s his… and my moms.”

“Well, first I think you should know nothing is wrong with you. Just like you said, it’s their fault. Not yours.”

Did she really just say that? She agreed.

“Jackson, I think the other thing you need to know… and you may not wanna hear this… is people can change. “

“But he’s acted like he changed before. How do I know this isn’t an act again?”

She shook her head, “I don’t know. I do know that your dad isn’t who he used to be however.  He’s going through hell trying to fix things with you.”

“He’s going through hell?” I asked. That seemed insane to me. I had the right to treat him terrible. At least I felt like I did. He hadn’t had the right to treat me bad.

“He’s smoked more cigarettes in the past week then I’ve seen him smoke in an entire month. He hasn’t been sleeping. He’s called his sponsor four times in two days to make sure he isn’t even thinking about drinking. Living like that has to be hell.”

I took a few deep breaths. Was she trying to make me feel bad?

Slowly she stood. “I don’t know what to tell you to do but I’m always here to listen. I only ask that you try and see things from his side.”

I nodded, “Thank you. I think I needed that.” I said moving to sit on my bed.

She smiled and patted my shoulder then left the room.

See things from his side.

I had no idea how to do that.  I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to.