We met in a bar. She had the most expressive eyes and most beautiful smile I have ever seen in my life. My Mom warned me that girls like her are nothing but trouble. I was glad Samantha proved her wrong. I stared again at the small picture of my wife in my hand. I miss her. I miss her kisses, her warm hugs, her soft giggles, her laugh, her soothing voice and everything about her. I’d give anything for a chance to see her again and tell her how much I love her.

I wish this war would end soon so I could go back home and live a normal life again.

I was sent to fight here in the Philippines six months ago, a day after my wife and I celebrated our first wedding anniversary. It shattered my world, not just because I couldn’t leave my wife alone, but for so many reasons. How could you fight for something that you don’t believe in? How could you raise and point your gun to people when you firmly believe that the war is not the solution to the problem? How could you kill people you don’t treat as enemies? I’ve read somewhere or overheard someone saying that war is no game, if there’s a shot to be made you have to make it. No guilt. No Hesitation. You don’t have to think who you’re shooting and why. If you want to come home alive, then you just fire and don’t think. But how could you do that if you believe in a God that says ‘thou shall not kill’? But I didn’t have a choice, did I? After all, I am just a soldier who wanted to serve and protect my country.

War could make you a better or weaker person. War could turn your life around. I had seen things I wish I hadn’t, and I pray that no one would ever experience the things I went through.

I remember Nickolas Gene Carter, the bravest man I have ever met. I met him in the camp six months ago. He was five years younger than me but he was already married with one child. He was full of dreams. Everyday he would tell me how much he love and miss his little family. He would tell me the dreams he had for his son. He was such a good man, and he died last week in my arms. He died protecting me, the older brother he always wanted but never had. At this very moment I wish he shouldn’t have given up his life for me. He deserves to live more than I do. It felt like he just wasted his life for nothing.

I will never forget Nick’s last moment.

[i] “Man, you have to survive this fucking war and go home to your wife.” He managed to say through his teeth. Pain was very evident in his face, and blood was starting to come out in his mouth. “Please tell my wife and son I love them very much and I am sor……” He took a deep breath, his last for this lifetime.[/i]

I didn’t have time to cry. I had to get up and fight again if I wanted me and my team to survive.

“Littrell! Littrell!”

I heard my captain called my name. It brought me back to reality.

Captain Howie Dorough was the best commanding officer a soldier could ever have. He could take away our fears with his comforting words. He was always in the front line protecting us when it was our duty to protect him as our leader. And the best thing about him was he always keep his promise that we would all stick together, and no one would be left behind.

I opened my eyes but everything was blurry. I couldn’t recognize the men in front of me. I was relieved when I saw they were also wearing green camouflage uniform like me. Then I heard bomb explosions, gunshots, and soldier’s cry of anger and pain. I remember I was in the middle of a battle, fighting for my life.

“McLean! Call the fucking medic.” I heard Captain yelled at one of my friend.

Medic? The pain in my chest, a couple of inches below my heart, reminded me that I was shot.

“Yes, Sir!” Alex replied and started to crawl to the direction where Richardson, the platoon’s medic, was. His voice was worried and full of concern. He shouldn’t worry about me. He should be worried about himself and how the hell he can get out of here.

Alexander James McLean was a good man. He was engaged and will be getting married as soon as he gets a chance to go home. You see, this stupid war has been a hindrance to everyone’s happiness. Every soldier has a story to tell. I wish Alex and the rest of the team will survive the war and will get a chance to live a normal life again. Something that Nick and I had been deprived of.

An unbearable pain pierced through my body. I couldn’t move, and it was becoming harder to breathe. But I still tried to raise my hand and gave Captain a salute he truly deserves. I uttered a quick prayer, asking Nick’s forgiveness because I won’t keep my promise to him. I would never have a chance to tell his wife and son his final message. And with a small smile on my face, and my wife’s image in my mind, everything went blank and there was no more pain.