I probably should be going now

‘cause I’m not quite sure what to say

Nick was sure that anyone could heard the screaming coming from his house even though the first neighbor, at least the first house lived by real people and not what he thought were ghosts, was like a kilometer distant and deep trees deadened the noises. He knew this because in the past he had noisy party, with loud music, and no one really knew it had happened until he told them. 

How in the hell was possible that a tiny woman like the one in front of him could yell so shrilling and so highly ear damaging?  Not only she was screaming at the top of her lungs but, just like a scene from a bad soap opera, she flung in the kitchen and right there was throwing dishes against the wall. 

Was she being melodramatic? 

Oh, the answer could be only a yes! And he would have staked his life on that since all of this was caused by a little and meaningless misunderstanding. And as any other times, Amanda had taken the opportunity to turn that in another complaining about how much Nick preferred his best friend over her. 

“I bet you wouldn’t dare to say a thing like that at your precious Brian!” 

Just as he thought. Gosh, that was so unnerving! 

If there was something that Nick couldn’t understand about that girl, about his girlfriend, was this irrational hate towards Brian. There were times when Nick really believed that she was truly convinced that him and Brian were having a sordid liaison behind her back. 

Just as something like that could really happened! 

“You think that it’s a joke?” The bitter reply was underlined by a dish crashing within a inch from his face. Apparently, thinking about how ironic was a love story with Brian had provoked on his face a tiny smile which didn’t go unnoticed by the woman. 

“No, I think it’s a little bit absurd.” Nick said with a veil of irony in his words. He was standing just outside the room, leaning on the wooden doorframe and with his arms crossed over his chest. “Are you rehearsing for the lunatic and extremely jealous girlfriend for some show?” 

“Lunatic? Not only you’re treating me bad but you’re calling me names too?” 

“I think that you’re doing good on your own. And better than everyone else." 

“Oh, you think that you’re funny? I didn’t ask you the world, I just ask you to come with me to do some shopping!” 

Doing shopping with Amanda only meant that he would be there to pay while she was busy deciding between two absolute identical dresses, even though she would declare that there was a big difference between a blue dress and a ocean blue dress. 

That was the reason behind their, well her, argument. 

Nick had refused to go with her, stating that he wasn’t an ATM , and he wanted to go and hang out with Brian but as soon as the name left his lips, hell’s doors opened and let out the devil version of his girlfriend: Nick was sure to have witness red smoking coming from her ears and, if he looked closed enough, he could point out tiny horns within the long brown hair. 

Frankly, Nick was fed up to have to defend his friendship every time. 

“But no, his majesty had to see his best friend just as they hadn’t spent the last weeks together!” 

“Were you on the other side of the world? Because I remember clearly being with a woman who looked exactly like you! So, Amanda, please... stop being such a little spoiled brat!” 

“Oh yes, that’s what Brian told you about me!” 

“What the hell is this about? Do you listen to yourself when you talk?” 

“Well, just like half the time you don’t listen to yourself talking about Brian that and Brian here! What about when you told me that he can cook better than me?” 

Nick risked to gag with his own laughter. “You? Cook? But the only time you tried you almost burn down the kitchen!”

“And you must go around and tell everyone about it? As if Brian didn’t need any other reason to hate me or to think that I’m not the one for you.” 

Nick was torn between wanting to punch the walls, just to not listen anymore to Amanda’s whining and any pain would be much more bearable that than or to physically silencing her with any measure: he was slowly imploding with every bitter reply he bite back but his patience was on the last limit. 

“I’ll tell you this just one more time. Stop making Brian the cause between our fights. The problem is only between the two of us not between you and him.”

Amanda stopped herself and stood there with a plate still in her hand as her eyes grew bigger because of her own incredulity. She couldn’t really believe what Nick was saying, things were perfect between them if it wasn’t only for Brian. “Fights?”

“We fight six days out of seven even when we’re apart.” There was nothing left in Nick, he just couldn’t do anymore. He couldn’t keep with this and he wouldn’t want to jeopardy his friendship with Brian. “I think it’s better if we break up.” He said flatly.

The plate Amanda held fell from her grip and crashed on the floor, shattering in million pieces.  “What?” she choked out.

“You heard me. I can’t put up with your ridiculous accusation of preferring and, before you ask, I’m not cutting Brian out of my life.”

“So you chose friendship over love.” Amanda stated coldly.

“Love? How can you call this love? Love is supposed to be based on trust and, clearly, you don’t trust me. Worse, you don’t even try to know Brian, no matter how much you know he matters to me. You never gave him a chance and this... this is wearing us down. I won’t sink without trying to save myself. This isn’t love.”

“What is it then?”

“Not love. Call it whatever you but we’re better off alone. Before we end up hating each other and plotting torturing deaths.”

“You’re throwing from the windows months together just because B...”

Nick cut her off, his patience had just gone to hell. If Amanda couldn’t understand what the matter was he wouldn’t waste another breath. “I don’t want to hear a single word! It’s you and your stupid jealousy who ruined everything, stop blaming Brian!”

Nick turned on his heels and crossed all the hallway. He took his jacket and the keys of his car. The clatter of highs heels echoed behind his back, like a harpy searching for her next victim. “I don’t want to see you or any of your things when I’ll be back.” He said without even turning.

“So you basically throw me out without an explanation, a reason or something.”

“If you can’t understand then you’re dumber than I ever realized.”

“Little Nicky...” she pleaded, her voice filled with the right amount of trembling and her eyes bigger and shining with tears ready to drop at her command. Never Nick had been able to resist at her mask of desolation and her puppy face.

Nick turned around to look at the girl just one last time. When he saw that expression on her face, any traces of doubt vanished. “Amanda, just stop. It’s over.”

So he opened the front door, ready to get out, but then he thought over it. “Amanda?”

She looked up at him with hope beaming over her like an aura. She knew Nick would never leave her.

“I hate that stupid nickname.” With a loud blow, Nick closed the door behind his back leaving a stunned Amanda wondering what she was supposed to do now.

His car was parked in the driveway and, after he got in, he just lowered the window and blasted the stereo loud. 

There was only a person who can comfort him and made him feel better. 

Brian.

And in that directions that he took off, the meter speeding high between the streets of Orlando. 

All these years

We’ve been nothing but friends

Across town, the day was going much better for Brian even though doing nothing or just rest was out of his options. There were a lot of things that needed to be done, all those little things he didn’t have the time to do during the year: works left undone in the house, a room empty that still needed furniture and, foremost, for what it would be destined. If he asked Nick, Brian was sure he would have said that he needed to have it as a “home arcade” with a giant plasma television and the latest console. Maybe, even a pool. Brian would have spent hours just listening to Nick rambling about what he should put in the room with those eyes shining like a child in front of the Christmas tree full of gifts. It was quite soothing the sound of his voice full of excitement. He was tempted to follow his advice, just so he had a chance to spend more time with Nick, just the two of them. But he also knew that it was a decision made irrationally, only pushed by his heart. Most of it, Brian knew he was just hanging on a little and tiny rope made of hope, an illusion so blessed, so sweet and tempting though he knew it would be as much painful the moment when he would wake up to find himself all alone while Nick had to return home to his girlfriend. Yes, he would be lonely enveloped only by a blanket of bittersweet memories.

He didn’t want to fall in love with his best friend. Oh no, definitely no! But it happened and Brian didn’t know exactly the moment when his friendship towards Nick had changed in something deeper, bigger than everything he ever felt before with anyone. He got scared by the depth of those emotions. It was wrong to love Nick, that was what his mind had been trying to tell him every time he found himself lost in adoration when the blonde was on stage, smiling all sexy towards their fans.

Loving Nick was wrong because Nick was so much younger than him and in some ways more naïve. Loving Nick was wrong because Nick wouldn’t ever love him back and all that was waiting for him was a broken heart and a strained friendship. Those were the reasons Brian used to silence every objection brought up in defense by his heart and found himself a girl who could filled the splitting emptiness and longing every time he saw Nick with a new girl.

Something that happened every freaking week. Leighanne had been the right choice and Brian had to admit that he had thought, he had believed, that he was ready to forget his crazy feelings for Nick and love the girl who had been by his side during the hardest period of his life. At least, for the first months. An infatuation, it was only a mere crush. Time passed, his relationship with Leighanne grew stronger and serious but his infatuation didn’t diminish. Quite the opposite. How long could a crush last before you called it love?

In a moment of discouragement and with total confusion in his mind, Brian went to his cousin to seek a wise point of view, maybe he would have found out if he was still in love with Nick or if he was just confused. Kevin, not enterly fazed or moved by the sudden request since Brian had accustomed him coming to his room with weird or philosophical questioning, had cleared his mind. Brian remembered every words, they were set in his mind since that day.

“When you do nothing but think about her and every little thing, even the most stupid and idiot, reminded you of her. When you believed that her voice is the most graceful, sweet sound you’ve ever heard and you just want to spend your time listening to her speaking. When you get those butterflies in your stomach the moment you see her, even if she’s far away from you and all that you want is run and take her in your arms, never letting her go. When you just want to keep that smile on her face, that smile that shines more than the sun in your day and brightens up your nights more than every stars or moonlight. When she laughs she takes away clouds full of gloom and sadness and when she cries you want to erase those pearls of tears with kisses and loving touches. When you treasure with fiery jealousy each moment spent in her company, holding on tight to them to not be drown in misery. When you dream and yearn to touch her, even if it is for a second. If you feel all above and more... that’s when you understand if you’re in love or not.”

For Brian... that person that made him feeling like that was Nick.

Although he grasped and accepted the fact that he was over heels and madly in love with Nick, each heartbeats echoed his name, Brian didn’t find the courage to come out in the open. And he paid hard for his indecision, a sharp stab right through his heart and coming from the hand of the girl he was deceiving.

“Hey hobbit!”

The small shovel he was using fell from his hand. He knew that voice, it belonged to the only one who could use that stupid nickname without a fury flaming in his eyes. But that person couldn’t be there in flesh and bones... he should have been somewhere with his girlfriend.

“Fantastic! – he thought – Now I heard voices!”

Only to be sure that he was going crazy, he turned around and he was sure hallucinating since there stood Nick, in his garden, looking absolute perfect in just a plain shirt and jeans.

“Nick?” he asked only for reassurance.

“You thinking I’m a clone?”

“No! – Brian mumbled hoping that Nick could think that the red staining his cheeks was for the sun – What are you doing here?”

Nick shrugged his shoulders, hands safely tucked in the pockets of the jeans and was entertaining himself playing with a pebble with the tip of his shoes. “I was around.” He stated like nothing was wrong.

Brian looked at him frowning. “So you happen to be on the other side of the town? Weren’t you supposed to make up time lost with Amanda?”

“We fought. – Nick answered back so toneless that Brian thought that he was speaking in one of their press conference instead that with his best friend – What are you doing?” Nick finished changing subject suddenly. He didn’t come to Brian to analyze why his relationship, like any others, had fallen like old leaves in autumn. Brian understood that Nick wasn’t ready to speak so he played along. He knew the other guy like the back of his mind and knew that when Nick would be ready he would talked without even had to ask a question.

“What do you think I am doing?” Brian replied, a brow arched: he was crouched down, around him there were tools for gardening, flower’s bulbs and mold. It wasn’t too hard to guess what he was doing.

“Making a trap for an unwanted lover?”

“Idiot! – Brian exclaimed while throwing at him some mold. – As if I have someone.” Added in a muffled voice that didn’t reach Nick’s ears.

“Didn’t know gardening was one of your hobbies.”

“Nick, I was born in Kentucky! I grew up jus singing and working in the fields!”

 “You can still have called a gardener.”

“But... why calling someone when I can do it all by myself?”

“I don’t know. – Nick said, sitting down on the last step of the porch, a few inches away from Brian who had returned to plant flowers – We are world pop star.”

“Nicky, we can sell out album and concert but that doesn’t mean we can’t act as if we were normal people.”

It was time like those that Nick really thought how much wiser Brian was despite his age: sometimes he just thrown those pearl of wisdom like he was debating about football and Nick had to think it over for hours before grasping the real meaning behind those words.

“And a gardener wouldn’t work as I would so what’s the point if I have to redo everything after? Better doing on my own.”

“Do you need a help?”

“Oh, I don’t want our Almighty Rock Star to dirt his precious hands with some hard work.” Joked Brian, smirking at Nick.

“Jerk! -   shouted Nick sticking his tongue – At least, can I know what are you planting?”

“Over there I’ve already planted some herbs: rosemary, basil,  oregano, parsley and sage that might be useful when I’m cooking. - Brian explained pointing to a group of plants that Nick noticed had been placed right under the kitchen large window. - Now I’m working with the roses. I want to plant them all around this side of the house. A bunches of red roses mixed with white ones. And I was thinking about build a gazebo in the middle of the garden and decorate it with pink, red and white roses.”

“Don’t you think you’re using a little bit too much roses? What are you planning to do? Going around with roses hidden in a smocking?”

“Oh, you’re so funny today.” Replied Brian in a sarcastic tone.

Strangely, Nick found himself observing Brian in a way he never done before. He looked at his face entranced while he went into the details he had in mind for his garden and how he wanted to build the gazebo before the break from the tour was over: his smile was lighten up his eyes, making them a lighter shades just like the purest ocean water. Nick had always admired Brian’s eyes and envied that particular shade, a shade that could change as light changed. Further, now, with a little color on his cheek tanks to the sun, they seemed to stand out more, drawing his attention over them.

There, coming out from nowhere, a strange thought started to creep into his mind like asking himself what kind of light could be shown in those eyes if there was a fire, a fire born from the most passionate love, underneath them.  

“Nicky? Are you listening?”

Buried deep in his thoughts, thoughts about Brian in a sexual way, Nick lost everything Brian had said for the past minutes or he didn’t realized that the guy had been trying to capture his attention for a long time.

“Sorry.”

Brian got up and settled down beside Nick. “I guess you don’t want to go back, right?”

“Are you inviting me for dinner?”

“You know that you don’t need formal invite.”

And that was the truth since Brian’s house had its door open not only for just Nick but for the other guys as well. Brian had given them even his code to open the gate and a copy of the keys. He trusted them and they would have no problem getting in if something happened.

“The only thing you have to tell is what you want to eat for dinner.”

“Can you make your famous lasagna?” asked Nick with hopeful eyes. The puppy eyes Brian couldn’t never deny them anything.

“Well, if you help me, I don’t see why not.”

“So, what are you waiting for? Let’s go!” Nick said jumping on his feet and hurrying back in the kitchen.

Brian put in a corner the tools he was still holding in his hands, letting out a breath: the more he tried to stay away from Nick the more he found himself attracted, like a sunflower was attracted to the sun and followed him wherever it turned. What was the point on fighting it back? He would have took whatever he could and let it be enough, even if that meant the death of another piece of his already shattered heart.

So he followed the excited voice of the man he loved while he was fiddle in the kitchen.

“Nick, stay away from the ice – cream! It’s for after dinner!” 

Can last night last?

“So, are you gonna tell me why you and Amanda fought?” 

The night was already on its footsteps, creeping up between the last sunrise that still were shining although they were only a diminished orange.

Brian and Nick were in the family room, after they made a hot lasagna – well, after Brian made it and Nick stayed out from everything that could catch fire – and they settled down on the big sofa in front of the fireplace. On a little table they put down their plates and a bottle of red wine; least, Brian had turned on the stereo but took the volume down so they would be able to chat without being interrupted.

Brian had waited for Nick to start the conversation about the reason he came to him without any apparent reason but Nick had gone rambling about how much he wanted to learn to cook but knew that he was a complete failure and would end up food poisoning every one or set fire to his house.

Then, when Brian tried to change subject, Nick had started talking about his desire to make an album on his own and asked him his opinion. Was he ready to make that step?

Brian had tried to reassure him that he could do it, he believed so much in Nick’s talent and promised him that he would be at his side when the time to talk about it with the others would come.

“It’s over.” Nick replied while slipping some wine from his glass. “I told her that when I would be back I didn’t want to see her or her things.”

“It’s pretty final.” Brian commented. “Are you sure it’s the right decision to make?”

“Are you already in your psychologist role?” joked Nick. But that was one of the reasons he came to Brian: talking to him had always been the way to clean his vision from clouds of doubt. Brian managed always to show him if he was making a mistake or if he was right. “I don’t know. For weeks, we’ve been doing nothing but fight over the same old things. I was fed up with everything and... I can’t literally stand her anymore.”

Brian couldn’t help the little laugh that escaped from him. “I thought you loved the “I’m the queen” type of girl.”

“Why do I always end up with those kinda of girls?”

“Because they are the easiest. Especially for you. You have only to wink, use your charming and killer smile and every girl is on your feet. They adore you and they would do like everything just to get in your bed. You can play along and protect your heart because you already knew that they don’t want it. It’s safer. Still, you treat them like princess, even if they don’t deserve you.”

“And Amanda was one of those?”

“I don’t doubt that she loved you.”

“But...”

“But I think she loved more the “Nick star” and your glamour life.”

“Well...” Nick started to say while looking at his fingertips. “She would be a terrific soap – opera actress. The stunt she pulled out today... gosh! I only saw it in those low cost soap aired in the middle of the night.”

“Now if you tell me she throw you dishes...”

Nick nodded vigorously. “She did! And let’s not talk about the things she screamed! Absolutely insane!”

“Did she accuse you of cheating?”

“Worse! I think she believed that you and I had this secret relationship since I kept talking about you and always compared you two.”

Brian almost chocked himself with the bite of lasagna he was chewing. “What?”

“Yeah. Like the fact that I prefer playing basket with you instead that going shopping with her.”

“Look, I wouldn’t be offended if you went with her.” Said Brian faking being serious. Nick, just like him, hated going shopping and do it only when they were dragged around by Howie or Aj.

“That’s bullshit and you know it! I’m not Jay that he’s going to end up like having a whole clothes store in his house at the rate he’s going with his shopping!” exclaimed Nick, playing off like Brian and tried to sound rathely offended by that insinuation. “The fact is that... you’re right. I didn’t love her. It went to the point that I was waiting for the moment to jump back in the tour so I wouldn’t be with her constantly. Shouldn’t be the other way round?”

“Yes.”

“Believe me, Bri. It’s the best for everyone, especially me. I just want to find the right one, you know? The one who you can spend you night like us, simply eating something and chat for hours about everything. The one that would make me feel complete.”

Brian put down on the coffee table his plate and reached out for Nick’s hand, resting on it his palm. “Listen, Nick. One day you’re gonna find that special person... better, she would find you and you know why? Because you’re so special...” Brian stopped, he couldn’t go on talking about the little things that made Nick so special to him. On the other hand, he just wanted to take and shake Nick to make him see that he was the one he was looking for.

“You’re special too, Brian.” Said Nick with the same soft tone Brian had used before. “I still don’t understand why Leighanne had let you go.”

Nick knew he was stepping in a subject that screaming “attention, danger!” all over itself. Even though him and Leighanne never get along very well, he always believed that if a relationship surpassed the first year, that meant that they were destined to be together.

Brian and Leighanne stayed together for a whole period of four years and always seemed the perfect ideal couple. Suddenly, just like a storm in the hottest day of the summer, Brian came and told them that they weren’t anymore an item without adding an explanation or whose fault were.

If someone asked him further, Brian just closed himself in total silence, most of the time storming off the room with a stern stare in his eyes. Just like that moment. Brian tensed up almost immediately, taking back his hand. 

“It’s over.”

“Brian.”

“I don’t want to talk about it. I’m okay.”

“Brian.”

The point was that Nick could have called back Brian a thousand times and still the guy would have brushed him off. He would never let his guard down neither let him see the devastation that broken relationship had left in his soul.

“Have you finished? You can watch some TV while I clean over.”

Nick kept his gaze on the disappearing form of Brian, after he gathered the dishes and went to the kitchen. He didn’t follow him though. Because he knew when to push him and when just stay on his place. Sadly, that was the moment to let him be alone.

So Nick grabbed the remote and turned on the television but he didn’t really pay attention to the images on the screen, even though it was his favorite TV show. His mind was still wrapped around the sudden change in Brian and he kept wonder what he could do to bring back that smile Brian was so famous for.

Nick kept wondering why he feel the unexplainable urge to be the one who could make Brian smile like the sun was in his eyes. 

Was it too much red wine?

One too many lonely nights?

Nick woke up with a start, although he didn’t know what had made him so frightened in his subconscious so much that he rather be in the real world instead in the arms of a so much deserved sleep.   

Going back to sleep, or at least trying, was out of question so he decided to go down in the kitchen to get some water to drink, maybe he would be lucky and could find some leftover from the lasagna. He had just hopped down the first steps when he heard fainting and soft notes of a melancholic song coming from downstairs. Since when ghosts listened to music? Nick clucked at his own thought. If Brian had listened to him, he would have objected that only him could come up with ghost instead of a simple thief if he heard strange noises. Even if... neither that option was so realistic: when the hell a thief listen to music while he was robbing some house? Mostly, why did they have to chose, among the large collections of Brian’s album, which he was sure reached the 10,000 cd of every music genre possible, a Mariah Carey’s one?

I’m thinkin of you

In my sleepless solitude tonight

If it’s wrong to love you

Then my heart wouldn’t let me be right

‘Cause I’ve drowned in you

And I won’t pull through

Without you by my side

Nick followed that slow melody that led him in the living room. In the half – light, illuminated only by feeble green light of the stereo, he could only make out the lonely figure of Brian, stretched out on the couch and looking out of the window, although it was a black night without the moon to light up the sky.

One of his arm was popped up along the upper side of the couch while the other one held a glass full of red wine. Red wine? Brian? Nick couldn’t believe what his eyes were seeing because Brian only drank wine at dinner and not during night or day, especially not in a moment like that, full of melancholy lovesickness.

Frick, what happened to you?

Baby, can you feel me?

Imaging I’m looking in your eyes

I can see you clearly

Vividly emblazed in my mind

And you’re just too far

Like a distant star

I’m wishing on tonight

He couldn’t sleep at all, how was he supposed to do knowing that Nick was just a door far from him? He had promised himself to just forget whatever feeling he felt for the man now sleeping in one of his guest room but just his solely presence had make everything surfaced once again. What did he have to come to him? Oh, yes, because he was his fucking best friend!

Brian took another sip of the red wine, his face contorted immediately in a disgusted expression since he wasn’t first a wine connoisseur and, second, he was drinking for one ultimate purpose: he just wanted to reach that so yearned oblivion Aj had spoke about one night when Brian asked him about his addiction. No thinking, no doubts, no problems... only a dark and black vortex he was more willing to be swept away until the morning came. Nut it wasn’t enough. No matter how hard he tried, when he closed his eyes there was only one thing he could see: Nick. He could pictured him laying in his bed, hidden inside the comforter, the only thing visible would be his delicious blonde hair all over his eyes and his lips... oh those tasteful lips partially open.

Oh, he would give everything for just one night. He wasn’t demanding too much. What was one night out of eternity? Nothing, no more than ten hours. Was it too much? He wanted only one night. One night to let free his heart, finally free from the chains and reins that held it prisoner. He wanted nothing more than drown in that ocean, let himself dragged by the waves if that meant he could holding on to Nick.

I’d give my all

For your love

Tonight

Nick came closer to Brian but the boy didn’t seem to acknowledge him. So he sat on the same couch, so close to him that he could brush that skin with a fingertip and the first thing he noticed were the stain of tears on Brian’s face, tears that were still flowing down without nothing to stop their run since Brian’s eyes were closed. That scene stopped Nick before he could something, before he could even let a word out of his throat. The hurt reflect on the pale face took away his breath, floundering in a sea of guilty. 

Nick, what friend were you if you didn’t notice how much Brian was hurting? 

Like everyone else, he took for granted the fact that Brian was able to heal his wounds, even the ones made by love. Like everyone else, he believed him when he told everyone that nothing bad happened between him and Leighanne, just that they weren’t made for each other. But Nick wasn’t everyone else. He was supposed to be his best friend, the one who could detect when Brian was faking a smile or when he was truly happy. Nick, among all, should have know that Brian was hiding somewhere to let not worry the others. What kinda of friend he was? 

“Bri? - He scooted over, now only a little spot divided the two guys and he leaned over his head, just a few inches from Brian’s fingers. - Do you still miss her?” Nick asked, that was the first thing it popped up in his mind. He thought that was the problem; he believed that the hurt washing away trapped in those pearls of water was from a broken heart, the end of a relationship lasted four years that never failed even when faced with death. 

Brian didn’t open his eyes. The alcohol inside him had taken control over his mind, cutting it off from any restrain. If he had been sober, he would have immediately erase any trace of weakness. If he had been sober, he would have blamed for his reddened eyes some allergies. But Brian wasn’t sober and was tired, oh, so damn tired of holding himself, his true self, hidden somewhere inside him. His agony was like a cancer that slowly was eating him alive, poisoning every organ he came across in his traveling, and the primal instincts was to find a way to survive it. 

“How can you miss something you never had?” 

Nick was caught off guard by that answer. Because... it wasn’t what he expected to be. 

“O maybe you can miss it... you can miss the chance to savor what you have always dreamed. Can you miss a dream, Nick?”

“What dream are you talking about, Brian? You dream about going back to her?” 

A bitter and full of resentment laughter found its way in Brian’s throat. “Why do I have to want back someone who cheated on me?”

“She cheated on you? That’s the reason why you two broke up?” 

“Damn yes. You left her because she thought you were cheating with me and I left her because she was cheating with you.” 

“Me? She told you that? And you believed her?” 

“No, no, no... no with you. But with a guy who looked so much like you and she knew, she fucking knew how much that would hurt me, more than the cheating itself.” 

“Why?” 

“Why do you want to know it, Nick? So you can leave me like she did? So you’ll be out of my life?” 

“I wouldn’t ever do it, Brian. No matter what, you know that I would never leave you.” 

“I don’t believe anymore in forever. There isn’t nothing set in stone and you can’t promise something you know, deep inside, some day you’re gonna break it. Why are you deceiving me? Why are you so cruel?” 

“Bri... – Nick didn’t know what he could say, he found it hard to follow Brian’s words and... gosh! The pain in that sweet voice was unbearable to hear. – I need to understand. Why am I being cruel to you?” 

“Because... – Brian licked his lips, tasting a mix taste of salty tears and horrible wine. – I can’t have you. Never.” 

“Have me? But, Brian... you already got me! We are Frick and Frack and we’ll be forever.” 

“Only friends. Forever friends. But I don’t want to be your friend, I’m sick and tired to be only your best friend and watch you going in and out with girls that don’t deserve you and don’t treat you like they should. They don’t love you like you deserve to be and... I’m tired of being alone.” 

“Are you saying...?” 

Suddenly, Brian opened his eyes. Nick felt himself hypnotized by the bright blue shining, something was different in the man but, before it could reach his mind, Brian’s lips crashed upon his.

Soft. Brian’s lips where the softest he ever tasted, they held the bitter and salty taste of tears but underneath it an indefinable sweetness was waiting in silence. He wasn’t shocked. Not at all. Even if can’t explain, Nick didn’t find strange the fact that Brian was kissing him. Because... that kiss felt so right. And it was so perfect. Perfect like the way Brian opened himself slightly under his touches and how he was trying to follow him and to pay him back with his own money.

Around them, everything seemed to stop. The music turned in a maze, notes and voice blurred together in a subtle background until they couldn’t be divided. The darkness that only few seconds ago seemed so frightfully threatening now offered them a secure and safe blanket to hide themselves in, a shelter where they could let themselves go with the flow and instincts, a shield that let them can lit up the fire of passion without the risk to be burned. 

In that kiss, Nick understood any words Brian had left unsaid. That simple exchange of caress opened a whole new world for Nick: sensations and images started to take shape one after one and every of that was more powerful that the one before. They tore apart, breathless and gasping for air but still wanting no more than start all over again. The glass Brian had been holding had fell while they were kissing but he didn’t care if it left red stains on the white carpet. Quite the opposite since Brian was so sure that he wouldn’t care about what was going on outside his house, no, better say outside his living room. What mattered the most was happening within those four walls, there on the couch the for the prior hours had simply been Brian’s refuge from the pain. But that had been gone even if Brian didn’t know where he found the courage to make the first step. 

Realization hit him like a brick of stone, making his stomach aching like he had receive a low blown. Alcohol had long ago swept away from him and couldn’t protect him over his mind going overload about what he had done and what outcome there would be after. He had kissed Nick. Without an explanation, he would have open up his heart before doing it and let him know that he didn’t expect anything back from him. 

His words came all together, rushed in before he could even form them in his mind, a continue flow without any logical connection. “God Nick, I’m sorry, I didn’t want... no, I wanted to do it, God only knows for how long I longing to kiss you but not like that, not taking you by surprise... don’t ever think that mine was only a scene made to trap you and then kiss you. It’s... It’s just that I can’t do it anymore. I can’t keep being your friend and I know it’s wrong and you should hate me. You should hate me because I can’t have this feelings for you but I tried! You have to believe me with this, I’ve tried to stop them...” 

Nick didn’t let him finish his rambling. A hand came behind Brian’s head, forcing him closer than he already was to Nick and his lips... Nick’s lips started what they were doing before being interrupted by the lack of oxygen. If a resistance still lingered in Brian... well, that had been swept away like a castle of sand hit by a forceful wave and just like one of those grain, Brian let himself carried away by everything. He wrapped himself tighter on Nick, his legs fastened up around Nick’s waist and new sensations arose and blended with those that already flamed in a burning fire. Hands were running up and down their spine, on their arms, on every inches of skin that still weren’t trembling. 

“Just one night. – Brian murmured, his head placed between Nick’s neck and shoulder during a rare moment of breath. – I’m asking you just one night, it’s the only thing I ever asked you.” 

Nick nodded, acting on the instincts and driven by all the emotions he was feeling. He didn’t what was happening inside him, he couldn’t grasp the reason why he had accepted that question. He just knew that he wanted that night too. The morning would bring light upon those feeling, the light of the sun would made clear why he felt himself attracted to his best friend. He took Brian’s hand and lead him off from the couch. 

“Let’s go. – Nick said in a hushed voice after seeing the indecision written all over Brian’s face – I want  this night to be special.”