Last night I saw the fireworks
The kind of pain that never hurts
The one you hate to love that's made for you
Another unsuspecting Sunday afternoon
~Unsuspecting Sunday Afternoon by The Backstreet Boys

“Her name’s Leslie,” Nick babbled as he hopped out of the car.

Brian followed after him, trying to pay as much attention as possible. His best friend had the gifted talent of being winded. When he got on a subject, it was hard to get him off it until he was damn well ready to.

“Is she good?” Brian asked.

Nick scoffed, “Good? Have you been listening to a single word I’ve been saying? She’s amazing. The guys all agreed that she was perfect for the tour.”

“You’re a little biased though aren’t you?” Brian smirked.

Nick couldn’t help but smile to himself a bit sheepishly, “Maybe a little bit.”

“Why didn’t you tell me about her?” Brian asked, reaching the front of the dance studio and yanking the door open.

Nick followed in after him, “We haven’t been seeing each other long. Besides, you’ve been so wrapped up with Leigh and the wedding that I couldn’t find a time to slip it in.”

Brian’s heart sank a bit, realizing then that he really hadn’t been around Nick enough lately to see what’s been new in his life. This had actually been the first time in over two weeks that they were actually alone together. Leighanne had been so enthusiastic about the wedding that she just seemed to drag Brian into it. He could see the happiness it brought her and he was in no position to deny her that. Unfortunately, it was definitely beginning to wear down on him, even though he tried so hard for it not to. The wedding was still months away, so he only hoped that Leighanne would relax a little bit. Either way, he felt like his life was out of his control lately. He felt like he had no say.

Nick quickly glanced over at him as they both walked through the lobby, “I know what you’re thinking, but it’s not a big deal Bri. I understand, I do. Getting married is a big step and it takes a lot of careful time and planning. Besides, it’s been nice to date someone without people hounding you all the time. It’s like I’ve had something of my own for once.”

“You must be pretty into her then huh?” Brian asked, stopping in front of the large dance room. The music could be heard blaring from the other side of the door. The bass pounded throughout the hall.

“Oh man, more than you know,” Nick grinned. Nick then opened the door, allowing a rush of music to escape and fill their ears. Brian followed Nick inside, immediately noticing the group of dancers in the middle of the floor, dancing in sync with one another.

Brian had missed dance tryouts over a month before so he had never gotten a chance to see Leslie. Nick had insisted that he tag along with him to watch her practice for Britney Spears’ latest tour. Brian was hesitant, but with Leighanne gone for the weekend to visit her parents, he had nothing else to do. It was the least he could do to meet Nick’s new girlfriend, especially if she was going to be apart of their new tour in just a few months time.

Nick had ceased to really pay attention to Brian. His eyes were fixed on the dancers, closely watching their moves. Brian looked through the crowd, impressed with the choreography. They joined a string of people on the side of the room, leaving the wall of mirrors visible for the dancers to watch their movements. Brian slightly hit Nick’s arm to get his attention. Nick tore his eyes away, leaning in. Brian had to raise his voice a bit, “Which one is she?”

Nick turned his attention back to the dancers and pointed, “She’s filling in for Britney today. They’re doing a quick run through before tomorrow’s concert to make sure everything looks okay.”

Brian looked to the girl in the front and wondered why he hadn’t noticed her before. She stuck out and not just because she was the center of the choreography, but because she was just that good. It didn’t even seem like she was trying. Her body moved with such precision and fluidity that it was no wonder why she was picked to be Britney’s stand in. It was no wonder why the guys had all agreed to sign her on as one of our backup dancers.

The dancers had just begun dancing to Britney Spears’ ‘Get Naked’ and it was pure entertainment. Their energy was explosive. So much so that it radiated throughout the room, energizing everyone else. The choreography was fantastic. It was sad to say but it probably looked better without Britney herself.

Leslie had noticed Nick in the middle of the routine and a smile had appeared on her face. Brian looked over at Nick and saw him smiling himself. Nick probably didn’t even realize the goofy grin he had plastered to his face, but Brian couldn’t blame him. The fact of the matter was that Leslie was beautiful. Brian hadn’t expected it, though he didn’t really know why. He had grown so accustomed to Leighanne’s beauty that he’d sort of been blind to anyone else. The fact that Leslie could catch his attention like she did now was a bit unsettling.

Brian had been skeptical about Nick’s sincerity concerning her, especially when it came to past tours and past dancers. Nick always chose one out of the entire bunch and always pushed for her to be put on the roster. He normally got his way, which was no surprise. He didn’t stop until he got what he wanted. But Brian could see now that Leslie was legitimate and he couldn’t help but understand the attraction he had towards her. She radiated with confidence. He thought she radiated with… well, Brian didn’t know. He sighed inwardly. He couldn’t quite pinpoint the right words that he was trying to express.

The music finally stopped and everyone dispersed to get some water. Leslie jogged over to Brian and Nick, immediately engulfing Nick in a sweaty embrace. Nick laughed, hugging her to him tightly. She pecked him on the lips and then stood back, breathing a bit heavily.

“I’m sorry I’m so sweaty,” she breathed, fanning herself.

Nick shook his head, “Hardly. If I had just got done dancing like that, I’d be pouring out gallons of sweat.”

She scrunched up her nose a bit in disgust, “Maybe it’s best that you don’t ever dance like that then.”

Brian couldn’t help but laugh at her comment, “I’d have to agree with you there Leslie.”

Leslie turned to look at Brian, a bit startled at hearing her name, but a huge smile spread across her face all the same, “Brian! Hi! I’m sorry I didn’t see you.”

She quickly stepped forward and flung her arms around Brian’s neck, hugging him to her. Brian was a bit taken aback, but as an instinct wrapped his arms around her back. He squeezed gently, accidently noticing how soft her skin felt beneath his touch. She pulled back, “It’s nice to finally meet you.”

“She’s a bit forward,” Nick stated, looking a bit embarrassed at Leslie’s initial enthusiasm.

Brian shook his head, chuckling, “It’s refreshing actually. It’s nice to finally meet you too Leslie.”

Brian then motioned to where Leslie was just dancing, “You’re pretty amazing. You should just fill in for Britney tomorrow night.”

She turned a little shy, “Thank you, but I doubt she’d really go for that. Especially with the fact that she’s gone a bit,” she glanced at the people around them and then lowered her voice, “Crazy.”

Both Nick and Brian laughed. Brian couldn’t help but notice how her smile seemed to make him want to smile. He had always heard of smiles being infectious, but he had never actually experienced it to this extent. He had barely just met Leslie but he had already had the urge to get to know her better. Brian had never taken that initiative with any of Nick’s past girlfriends. But then again, Nick didn't have that great of a track record. Leslie seemed to be different.

Brian interjected, “We wouldn’t want her running you over with her car now would we?”

“Nah, I wouldn’t say that we would. But hey, thanks for coming. It’s nice to see some fresh faces around here. This one seems to be a permanent fixture in this room lately,” she said, pinching Nick’s cheek gently. Nick grabbed her hand and pulled her to him, tickling her slightly. She wriggled under his touch and laughed, “Sorry babe, but it’s true.”

Nick shrugged, “You’re hot, what can I say?”

She slapped his arm and blushed a little bit. Brian smiled at their interaction, especially at the fact that Leslie didn’t seem to take compliments very well. She had no reason to not take them well because, quite frankly, she deserved them. Her humbleness and modesty was encouraging, especially when it came to Nick. It was nice to finally see Nick find a girl that was as down to earth as he was.

“Anyway,” she rolled her eyes, turning back to Brian, “Congratulations on your engagement. You must be a very happy man.”

Brian nodded, “I am, thank you. Leigh’s more excited than anyone, I’d have to admit.”

She nodded, “Of course. It’s her dream isn’t it? To get married and have a huge lavish wedding. Or is that just me?” She grinned and Brian couldn’t help but chuckle. He noticed how her smile made her blue eyes light up and it only intrigued him more.

“But that’s great Brian. I’m happy for you both,” she continued. Brian didn’t know it, but at that moment, Leslie was thinking the same thing about his smile.

“I appreciate that,” Brian smiled at her.

“When can I meet her?” she asked. Brian was a bit taken aback, but recovered quickly.

“Well, she’s out of town for the weekend, but maybe we could all do dinner on Monday?” Brian suggested.

Nick was gently rubbing the back of Leslie’s arm as Brian and her spoke. Leslie looked up at Nick, expectantly. Nick shrugged, “Sure, why not. That could be fun.”

“Fantastic!” Leslie exclaimed. She then noticed the dancers beginning to congregate in the middle of the room again, so she quickly turned to us and excused herself, “Must get back to work. Are you guys sticking around?”

Nick looked over at Brian, raising his eyebrows as if to say that it was Brian’s decision. Brian nodded, “Yeah, sure. We don’t have anything else to do.”

Leslie smiled, “Great. Well, don’t be too critical of me okay?”

“Sure thing babe,” Nick said.

Leslie quickly kissed him and ran to the middle of the room, with ‘Gimme More’ starting up right as she got into position. Leslie was at the lead of the pack, dancing in sync with all those around her.

Nick leaned into Brian, “So what do you think?”

Brian responded, “She’s great Nick. Beautiful, smart, attentive. I think she’d be good for you.”

Nick seemed content with that answer, slapping Brian’s back and nodding. They both turned back to the dancers, watching their every move. Brian leaned back against the wall, his arms crossed over his chest. He was finding it hard to look away from Leslie. She was like a magnet. Unease seemed to creep up through his stomach. As he stood back watching her toned body move to the beat, slow realization dawned on him. He hadn’t realized it until he saw her, but she radiated something that he was lacking. She radiated passion. Passion for dancing, passion for people, passion for life. The way her arms and legs moved with grace, the way her hair flipped and fell over her face, the way she arched her back and rolled her midsection, the way that she somehow seemed to glance at him with each turn she did with an intensity he’d never seen before, made him feel something that he hadn’t felt since he had first met Leighanne: Lust.

All of these moments are lost in time
But you’re caught in my head like a thorn on a vine
To forever torment me and I wonder why
Do I wish I'd never known you at all?
~The Ocean by The Bravery

Brian leaned back in his chair, closing his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose. He was beginning to get a headache and not the type that could just be pushed aside by Advil. It was the type of headache that wouldn’t go away until you woke up the next morning. It was the type of headache to put him in a very bad mood.

He blocked out the sounds of clinking forks and of the two women sitting across from him talking animatedly to his fiancée to his right. He blocked out Leighanne’s constant moans of pleasure as she scooped samples of cake into her mouth.

Brian couldn’t honestly understand why Leighanne couldn’t pick out the cake for the reception herself, and he vocally voiced his thoughts on this subject. She insisted that it was their day and that they should experience everything together. It was important that they pick out a cake as a couple because, for some unseen reason, it would somehow determine the course of the rest of their lives. Or so she made it seem.

Brian sat there, not saying a word, trying to have a couple moments to himself before Leighanne asked for his opinion once again. He envisioned being at home in his comfortable bed away from everything. Away from the chaos that surrounded him. He envisioned relaxation and peace. He envisioned bright blue eyes staring at him intensely, but with a subtle softness to them. They soothed him down to his core and for a second, just a split second, he had forgotten where he was.

Leighanne gently nudged Brian, “Brian.”

Brian quickly snapped open his eyes and stared into the eyes of his soon-to-be wife. He felt a pang of guilt when he noticed that the eyes he was just envisioning weren’t the ones staring back into his.

“You okay baby?” she asked, taking his hand and squeezing it.

Brian lightly smiled at her. He sat up, squeezing her hand back, “Yeah, just have a bit of a headache.”

She frowned slightly, touching the side of his face, “We’re almost done here and then we can go home alright? We don’t need to stop by the store on the way home if you don’t want to.”

Brian nodded, “Alright.”

“But first, what do you think of this one?” she asked, raising a fork with a piece of cake on it, waiting for Brian to take a bite.

Brian shook his head, “I don’t think I can eat anymore Leigh. What do you think?”

She looked disappointed, but accepted his refusal all the same, “It’s okay I guess.”

Brian looked over the table at chunks of different cakes, thinking it was the perfect opportunity to wrap this up, “Well, which do you want to go with?”

“Which one do you want to go with?” she asked. The two women across from Brian and Leighanne sat silently, waiting.

Brian shrugged, “They’re all good. You can pick.”

Leighanne sighed and Brian immediately recognized the frustration in it. He had heard that sigh enough these past few years to know what it had meant the moment it came out of her mouth. It was any wonder why he couldn’t see that sigh coming before it even happened.

“Brian, there has to be one you liked out of all these. They can’t all just taste the same to you,” she said a bit forcefully.

He sighed, looking around the table, trying to pinpoint one particular cake. Unfortunately he couldn’t really remember what they had all tasted like individually. How could he when his mind was elsewhere? How could he when all he kept thinking about was her eyes and her smile?

“I liked the Red Velvet a lot,” he finally said.

Her facial features relaxed a little bit, “Yeah, I like that one too. But what about the German chocolate?”

Brian had known that his opinion wasn’t going to matter in the long run. Though Leighanne liked to think everything they did was together, it ended up just being her. He was fine with that though. At least, to some extent. All he could do was agree with her. If he didn’t, her happiness would waver and he had no intention of causing that.

“I really liked that one too,” Brian replied. She smiled and nodded, turning back to the two women, who were staring at them intently.

Leighanne pointed to one of the plates containing the German chocolate cake and said, “I think we’re going to go with that one.”

Brian was relieved that a decision had finally been made, even if he really wasn’t part of it. He liked to avoid as much conflict as possible. If it made Leighanne happy, then it made him happy. He didn’t want to jeopardize that in any way. He just didn’t care enough. But then, maybe that was the problem. He was supposed to care, so why didn’t he?

~~~~~~~

Leslie wrapped her arms around Nick’s neck, kissing him softly. He kissed back, pleased that they were so close to one another.

“Thank you for the flowers,” she softly said, hugging him.

He still held the bouquet in his hands, but he figured out a way to hug her tightly all the same, “You bring out the romantic boyfriend in me, what can I say?”

She pulled back, grabbing the bouquet, smiling up at him. His heart melted every time she smiled. He didn’t know why, but it did. Maybe it was because he knew that at that moment, he was the cause of that smile. That sweet, sincere, loving smile. It was his smile. It was like a small gift to him every time it happened and it made his heart flutter each time. He had never had that happen before to him.

She pecked him once more on the lips and then turned to walk into her apartment, “If you keep this up Nickolas Gene, you might just have me falling for you quicker than you expected.”

He loved it when she called him Nickolas Gene, which was funny because he hated it when it came from anyone else. But the way she said it made it sound, well, sexy.

He followed her into the kitchen, grabbing her around the waist and bringing her to him close. He kissed her on the cheek, “I better bring you flowers everyday then.”

Leslie looked up at Nick, a bit surprised at his forwardness, but unable to take him completely serious. He was flirting like he always was, but he was a bit more intense today. It wasn’t a bad thing, but it was a change nonetheless. She decided she should change the subject.

She kissed him on the cheek back and then moved away in search of a vase. When she found one, she filled it with water, and commenced cutting the ends off of the roses.

“What time is dinner tonight?” she asked.

Nick had jumped up on top of the island. He swung his feet, watching her as she worked, “7 I think. We’re going to that steak house downtown. Ever been?”

Leslie shook her head, “I don’t think I have.”

“You’ll love it. They have the best chocolate cake, hands down.”

Leslie laughed, “I love chocolate cake!”

“I know you do,” he smiled. She smiled back, placing the flowers in the vase and rearranging them.

“What do you want to do until then?” Leslie asked, looking over at him.

A mischievous grin spread across his face. He wriggled his eyebrows, “I could think of a few things.”

Leslie couldn’t help but smile and blush, “I’m serious Nick.”

“So am I!” he said, still grinning at her. He loved to see her squirm.

“We could go watch a movie,” Leslie suggested.

Nick realized she wasn’t in the mood, so he didn’t push it. He nodded, “That sounds perfect. I’ll even watch a chick flick.”

Leslie gasped, “Just for little ol’ me? You’re too kind Mr. Carter.”

He laughed and she went back to putting flowers in the vase. There was silence between them for a few moments, but it wasn’t an uncomfortable lull. It was an opportunity to bring something else up. Leslie knew where she wanted the conversation to go next, but she was unsure if she should do it. She was afraid that Nick might suspect a strange undertone, but then why would he? It was curiosity wasn’t it? But then why did she feel so guilty wanting to talk about Brian? The kind of curiosity she had towards him wasn’t just stranger based, wanting to get to know him better. This kind of curiosity had a motive to it.

She tentatively started up the conversation, “So how long have Brian and Leighanne been together?”

Nick blew out a bunch of air, as if to signify that he wasn’t quite sure, but he was thinking, “Man, I don’t know to tell you the truth. They’ve been together for years.”

“That’s a long time,” Leslie replied.

Nick laughed, “You’re telling me. She’s like a sister to me now.”

“So she’s nice then?” Leslie asked.

She glanced at Nick and saw him shrug, “She always has been to me.”

Leslie nodded, “When is their wedding?”

“Next summer. Brian said something about her wanting to be a June bride,” Nick said, waving it off like it didn’t matter.

Leslie smiled, “I want to be a June bride too. Looks like we already have something in common.”

He raised his eyebrow at her, sensing that this conversation had more meaning then she was trying to let off. He was beginning to recognize her small quirks. The way her tone changed to like it did now, suggesting other unsaid thoughts, was one of them, “Leslie, are you concerned you guys won’t get along?”

She averted her gaze, placing the vase on the kitchen table, “A little bit.”

“But why? There’s nothing to worry about. If she likes you, she likes you, if she doesn’t, then she doesn’t, but chances are she’s going to love you. Leigh isn’t the type of person to be a bitch to people. She’s friendly.”

Leslie nodded, “I know.”

And she did know, but she couldn’t help but feel determined to fall into her good graces. She was afraid that who she was in Leighanne’s eyes reflected what Brian would one day think of her. It was silly to think Leigh had that much sway over Brian, but she couldn’t help but think it anyway. She was over analyzing, but that was what women did. Analyze, think, worry.

The problem was she was over analyzing something she shouldn’t have. She couldn’t stop herself and she wanted to. She adored Nick, but she still couldn’t get Brian’s blue eyes out of her head. The image of him standing with his arms crossed over his chest, staring at her so intently as she danced, was present every time she closed her eyes. It hadn't been a normal stare, because if it had been, she wouldn’t be stewing around in her thoughts like she was now. His stare was entrancing. She remembered how she couldn’t stop looking back at him. She had felt a connection with Brian across the room that day. And she had felt that in his eyes, he had wanted her. And guiltily, she had wanted him too.

But then, she knew that was nonsense. Brian loved Leighanne, Brian was getting married to Leighanne, and she herself was happy with Nick. Happy with his eyes, happy with his kisses, happy with his touch. Because at least she knew that all of those were hers. At least she knew the feelings in them were real. And so she pushed all Brian thoughts aside, and went to Nick, letting him wrap his arms around her. She relaxed into him and closed her eyes, breathing in his cologne that she loved so much, ignoring the intense blue eyes that had immediately sprung up in her mind, making her heart skip a beat.

Just one smile on your face was all it took to change my fortune
Just one word from your mouth was all I needed to be certain
Once upon a time there was a boy and there was a girl
Hearts that intertwined, they lived in a different kind of world
Forbidden love
~Forbidden Love by Madonna

“So where are you from Leslie?” Leighanne asked, taking a bite of her salad. She looked at Leslie expectantly.

Nick sat with his arm draped over the back of Leslie’s chair, leaned forward, creating a comfortable nook for Leslie to lean into. Brian sat next to Leighanne, looking across the dim lit table at Leslie, noticing how comfortable she seemed to be so close to Nick, noticing how perfect they seemed to fit with one another. He felt the need to mimic Nick’s actions, as if to prove that he and Leigh were just as fit for one another, that they were just as comfortable. He felt ridiculous for thinking this, but failed at stopping these thoughts from clouding his brain all the same. Instead, he instinctively grabbed Leighanne’s hand and held it softly, intertwining his fingers with hers.

“Denver, originally,” Leslie responded.

Leighanne looked surprised, “Really?”

Leslie laughed lightly, “I don’t know what it is, but I get that reaction a lot. I actually moved out here after I graduated high school to pursue dancing.”

“That couldn’t have been an easy decision. What made you decide you wanted to dance for a living?” Leighanne asked.

Brian knew neither Leslie nor Nick could sense it, but he could hear the slight tinge of superiority in Leighanne's tone, as if dancing wasn’t up to par to her standards, which was completely unlike Leighanne, especially since she herself was a struggling actress.

Leslie shrugged, “There wasn’t one particular instant that caused the heavens to open up and shower realization down upon me or anything. I’ve just loved dancing since I was a little girl. My mom put me in dance classes when I was old enough to and it became sort of an addiction. I knew living in Colorado would hinder me from what I wanted to do, so I moved out here to LA. My family has always been very supportive of me and my dreams, which kind of made it easier along the way.”

“And dancing’s going well?” Leighanne asked.

Leslie nodded, smiling widely, “Very much so. I just got done doing Britney Spears’ tour this past Saturday.”

“No kidding, Britney Spears huh?” Leighanne asked, laughing lightly.

“I know right? She’s actually not that bad of a person, just a little loopy. And she doesn’t seem to have a real strong grasp on the concept of showing up on time.”

“I hear that,” Nick said. “The bitch kept me waiting for over an hour one time.”

Brian raised his eyebrow, “Kept you waiting for what?”

Leslie turned to Nick, just as intrigued, “Yeah, kept you waiting for what?”

Nick blushed slightly, “We went out on a date once.”

Leslie laughed, “No way!”

Brian suddenly remembered this occurrence and laughed, “I remember now. Back when we were all new to the industry right? You were really into her. Man, that’s really weird looking back on that.”

Nick nodded, fully agreeing, “It was stupid.”

Leslie elbowed Nick playfully in the stomach, smiling at him slyly, “I want to hear more. What happened?”

Nick looked over at Leslie, “What could have happened?”

“Come on, there has to be something juicy,” Leslie pushed.

Nick shook his head, “Nothing, I swear. Like I said, she kept me waiting for over an hour.”

“So?” Leighanne and Leslie asked simultaneously.

“So, Nick Carter waits for nobody,” Nick stated.

Everyone laughed and Leslie made a silent vomiting gesture, “Gross Nick, please don’t ever refer to yourself in the third person again. It’s unbecoming.”

Nick laughed, squeezing Leslie to him close. He kissed her lightly on the lips, “Whatever you say dear.”

Leslie stuck her tongue out at Nick and turned back to Leighanne, rolling her eyes at Nick’s antics, “Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yeah, so these two boys here were nice enough to give me my next job.”

Leighanne smiled over at Brian, as if he personally had some say in Leslie’s employment, “That’s great. I’m glad you’re doing well for yourself.”

“Thank you,” Leslie said.

Brian couldn’t help but speak up, “She’s amazing actually.”

Leighanne raised her eyebrow, “Oh?”

Brian nodded, “Really amazing. Nick invited me to come along the other day to see her in action. She definitely knows what she’s doing,” Brian said, looking over at Leslie. “To be honest, I thought Nick was exaggerating, but you’re definitely the real deal Leslie. You have a real talent and you’re passionate about it. It’s nice to see that nowadays, especially in the entertainment industry.”

Brian noticed Leslie’s eyes brighten up as he finished and he felt satisfaction settle within him. Leslie was flattered that Brian had thought that much of her, but Leighanne was actually a little put off by it. She normally wouldn’t have been, but over the course of the evening he had continually showered Leslie with compliments, from how nice she looked, to praising her love for certain movies and musical artists, and most of all, her love for basketball. Over the few years they had been together, Leighanne had never seen Brian take to someone new so quickly. He had always shown nothing but civility, kindness, and respect to new people, but he had never been this attentive, except when it was her.

But to top it all off, Brian hadn’t informed her he and Leslie had already met. He had only told her that Nick had a new girlfriend and that they were all going out to dinner. She didn’t know why this bothered her so much, but at that moment it seemed to be significant, especially since this was the first time in a long time that she had seen Brian so lively.

“Thank you Brian, I appreciate that,” Leslie said.

Leighanne looked at Leslie and then to Brian, who was smiling sincerely at Leslie. The waiter then interrupted the conversation to place their main entrees in front of them. Leighanne took this opportunity to lean in and whisper to Brian, “You didn’t tell me you had already met her.”

Brian looked over at her, immediately recognizing her tone. He took the linen napkin off the table and proceeded to put it in his lap. He whispered back to her, “I didn’t think it was a big deal.”

And she knew it wasn’t. She felt stupid for even bringing it up, but she had never been one to bottle up her feelings. This time was certainly no different. She knew what she was thinking was irrational, but Brian, unknowingly, had made her feel insecure through his interactions with Leslie. She hadn’t felt like this since the beginning of their relationship when she was still unsure of his feelings for her, still unsure if he was in it for the long haul or if she was only a fling.

Brian saw how her demeanor turned a bit sullen and wondered why she had picked such an insignificant thing to gripe him about. He felt bad nonetheless and leaned in, kissing her on the cheek, “I’m sorry, if that’s any consolation.”

She shook her head, seeing the sincerity in his eyes, “No, you’re right Brian, it’s not a big deal. Forget I said anything.”

She lightly smiled at him to let him know that she was fine and she was dropping the conversation. Brian was content with this and turned to his food, thanking the waiter before he scampered off.

Leslie had noticed Brian and Leighanne’s whispers and saw the sudden tenseness in it. She didn’t know what had caused this, but she felt the need to alleviate it, “So Leighanne, how’s the wedding planning going?”

Leighanne perked up immediately, “Extremely well. I know we’re not getting married until next summer but I’m trying to get a jump start on everything before it really gets too hectic.”

“You mean it gets worse?” Brian joked.

Nick let out a loud laugh, which in turn made everyone else laugh, and made several heads turn at other tables. Leighanne looked over at Brian, smacking his arm lightly.

He laughed, putting his hands up in surrender, “I’m just kiddin’ sweetheart.”

“You better be,” she said, taking a bite of her filet mignon.

Brian raised her hand and kissed it lightly. Leslie couldn’t help but smile at the two sitting across from her. It was clear that the feelings they had for one another were genuine. It was in the way Brian gently touched her, in the way Leighanne looked at Brian, the way that even their words held an underlying love and affection to them. She envied them, but most of all, she envied Leighanne for the simple fact that it was Brian that was so madly in love with her. It was Brian that she got to go home to every night. It was Brian, period. This simple fact made Leslie incredibly angry with herself. It was this simple fact that would later keep her up that night.

“Babe, do you like it?” Nick snapped her out of her thoughts.

She tore her eyes away from the two and looked over at Nick, guilt once again tugging at her heart, “Hmm?”

He motioned towards her plate, “Do you like it?”

“Oh! It’s wonderful, thank you,” Leslie smiled.

He couldn’t help but smile back at her. He watched as she sipped her champagne and noticed how supple her lips looked in the dim dining room light. He noticed how her skin glowed in the candlelight and how her eyes seemed to sparkle every time she spoke. As a result, he noticed the strong feelings he had brewing inside of him. He had kept telling himself that these feelings couldn’t be progressing this far this quick, but the honest truth was that he had never felt so comfortable before with a woman in his life. He had only known her for a short time, but it had felt like years. She treated him like he needed to be treated; with affection, with respect, with a constant caring heart. He had watched Leighanne and Brian’s interactions and therefore watched Leslie’s reactions, noticing a subtle longing in her face. He thought that the longing she must be feeling was the type of loving relationship that was presented before her and he wanted more than anything to give her that same love. He wanted to make her happy.

“So how did you two meet?” Leighanne asked, addressing both Leslie and Nick.

Leslie looked over at Nick and smiled, “At tryouts for their upcoming tour.”

Nick nodded, “I saw her and couldn’t contain myself. Just one look at her and I was transfixed, and then she danced and I nearly melted in my chair.”

“Oh stop it Nicky,” Leslie said, blushing slightly.

Brian could only look at Leslie as Nick spoke, and he smiled to himself as he saw her blush. He couldn’t stop noticing just how beautiful she was. Whenever she smiled, whenever she laughed, whenever she looked at him, he felt his insides squirm. He, like Nick, felt like melting in his chair.

“I’m serious. I saw you and I wanted you, just for myself,” he said a bit softly.

Leslie looked at him with such affection in her eyes, reaching for his hand, squeezing it gently. Nick turned back to Leighanne, “So after the day was done, I pulled her off to the side, put on my Carter charm, and asked her to dinner. And that’s that.”

Leslie nodded triumphantly, “That is that. You snagged me. I have to say if wasn’t that hard though, you were looking mighty fine that day.”

“What about now?” Nick grinned, raising his eyebrow.

“You look even more gorgeous today love,” Leslie said.

Brian’s heart skipped a beat when she said the word ‘love’. The way she said it made him tinge with jealousy. It was ridiculous, but at that moment he wanted her to call him that. She was so nonchalant about it but yet so sincere and Brian longed for it. He didn’t think that even if Leighanne had called him ‘love’ that she could pull off what Leslie just did and it made him suddenly terribly sad.

“You two are adorable. I have to say I approve,” Leighanne said.

Nick grinned, “My life is complete. I finally have approval from Miss Leighanne Wallace. Glory hallelujah and praise be to Jesus!”

The table then laughed and proceeded to eat their dinners. Small talk commenced, laughter rang through the air, and good feelings spread through them all. They all enjoyed each other’s company, but where Nick and Leighanne only thought it would be a night of friendship, both Leslie and Brian were beginning to form stronger unexplained feelings for one another. Feelings unknown to all those around them. It was a night of growing friendships, but also a night of secret internal battles.

Nonetheless, the rest of the night went off without a hitch. Of course, the evening would have gone much differently if everyone had the capability of hearing everyone else’s thoughts. Thoughts of confusion, of insecurity, of longing, of love, of wanting, of lust, of guilt. They were mostly unwanted thoughts, sinful thoughts, and none of them could be controlled.

Those flashing lights come from everywhere
The way they hit her I just stop and stare
I'm love stoned from everywhere and she knows, I think that she knows
And now I walk around without a care
She's got me hooked, it just ain't fair
I'm love stoned and I could swear that she knows
I think that she knows, she knows
~Love Stoned by Justin Timberlake

A Week and a Half Later

“You up babe?” Nick tried to get out between the froth of toothpaste in his mouth, coming out of the bathroom, glancing around the room. He found Leslie still in bed, sitting upright, rubbing sleep out of her eyes. She groaned and looked over at him pouting. He quickly went back into the bathroom, spit, and washed his mouth out.

“Do you need me to throw you in the shower?” he asked, emerging from the bathroom and walking over to where she sat beneath the covers.

She eyed him, as if daring him to do so to see what would happen. He smiled anyway, reaching his hand to push some hair out of her eyes, “I know it’s early, but we gotta get going.”

Leslie looked over at the clock and saw 7am glaring at her. She was upset that she had to get up this early, especially since Nick and her didn’t get to bed until 2, for certain naughty unspeakable reasons.

Nick leaned forward and kissed her on the mouth, “Up you go. I’ll go make us some breakfast.”

Leslie nodded and watched as Nick left the room. She sighed and finally threw the covers off of herself. She immediately regretted this rash decision, shivering when the cold air hit her bare body. She quickly got out of bed and ran to the bathroom, starting up the warm shower. She jumped in, relishing the feel of the hot water as it ran down her. She closed her eyes and just stood there, awakening more and more by the second.

She started smiling about the night before and found her mind wandering to all the intimate moments she had been sharing with Nick, physically and emotionally. He was turning out to be a better man than she had ever imagined. He was everything she could ask for and more. She knew she was lucky to have snagged him, and it wasn’t just the fact that she snatched him as a boyfriend, but the fact that she had somehow managed to get him to fall in love with her. He hadn’t told her yet, but she knew. It was in the little things he said and did. It was in his eyes every time he looked at her.

She felt like she should be rejoicing right now, telling everyone she could that Nick Carter loved her. But then why did she feel so terrible about it?

She cared for him deeply and she adored everything about him, but did she love him? She knew she didn’t, because love should be unquestionable. She knew she could love him though, and she was well on the road to that, but the simple fact remained that when she closed her eyes at night, she wasn’t dreaming of him. She was dreaming of an untouchable blue eyed man that had somehow crept into her heart. He was haunting her, but she didn’t want it to stop.

It was this same man that brought a smile to her face then. She hadn’t seen him in nearly two weeks, but today she knew she would. Today was the beginning of dance rehearsals and she found herself giddy at the thought of seeing him, though the guilt that accompanied it was just as significant, but just as easily pushed away.

~~~~~~~

Brian was stretching over by AJ, scanning the room every so often, but trying not to make it too obvious that he was clearly looking for someone. AJ was in the middle of a story, and where Howie was listening intently to him, Brian only caught little snippets every now and then. He was clearly distracted and AJ was beginning to get a little annoyed.

“Yo Bri, are you with us?” he asked, leaning over from his stretch and smacking Brian’s arm.

Brian tore his eyes away from the dispersed group of people in the studio and looked over at AJ, “What?”

“You aren’t listening to a word I’m saying,” AJ accused.

Brian raised his eyebrows, “Am too.”

“Are not. Then what did I just say?” AJ asked.

Brian scrambled, trying to put small bits of the story together, “That Rachel was hitting on some other guy last night?”

AJ stared at him intently, “What a vague description. Just admit it Bri. What’s going on with you this morning?”

Brian shrugged, “Just tired I suppose. Leighanne was up late reading over a script and the rustling of the papers was driving me crazy.”

“Why didn’t you tell her to go somewhere else?” Howie asked.

Brian looked over at him, realizing the obviousness of that statement, but also the idiocy of it as well, “And piss her off? I’d rather stay awake all night then do that. She’s got that whole passive aggressive thing going.”

AJ laughed, “Oh, Rachel’s like that too. They act like everything’s fine, but you know damn well that it’s not, so you’re just sitting there waiting for something to happen, because you know it will. And that’s part of their plan too. They make you wait so it builds up until you get all nervous and twitchy. Then they pounce. They wait for the most opportune moment to spit something out that just cuts you right down to the bone. I swear man, it’s an exact science. Women are fucking vindictive.”

“Leigh’s not like that with me,” Howie stated.

AJ and Brian looked over at Howie and both said in unison, “Yet.”

Both Brian and AJ laughed as AJ clapped Howie on the back. Howie rolled his eyes and continued to stretch. Brian once again turned his attention back to the room, scanning the dancers. Leslie hadn’t shown up yet and he was growing more anxious by the second. He hadn’t seen her since the dinner, but everyday he thought about her, whether he wanted to or not. She was always there and no matter how hard he tried to push her out of his thoughts, she kept springing back up.

The door opened then and Nick’s smiling face waltzed through. Brian’s heart rose in anticipation when he heard the door open, but then fell when he only saw Nick.

Nick spotted them and quickly jogged over, setting down his bag, “You ready for this?”

AJ stood up, shaking his head, “I don’t know how you can be so stoked for this.”

“What? This is always fun. It’s hard, but fun. Plus, I'm ready to show off my mad skills!” Nick beamed.

The door then opened again and Leslie walked through, looking over the room as she closed the door behind her. Brian’s heart skipped a beat as he saw her, unprepared for her entrance. He immediately noticed her Nike tear-a-ways and her black sports bra, showing off her toned stomach perfectly, and an unexpected lump formed in his throat.

She saw them and smiled. She greeted the other dancers and then approached them, waving at them all.

AJ immediately grabbed her and wrapped her in a hug, “Don’t be shy honey. It’s good to see you again.”

She laughed, hugging him back, “It’s nice to see you again too AJ. You too Howie,” she continued, wrapping Howie in a hug next.

She then turned to Brian and became a bit shy. He didn’t realize how his hands had turned clammy or how hard he swallowed when she approached him. All his thoughts were on her and how beautiful she was.

When her arms found their way around his stomach, he wrapped his arms around her and breathed in, loving the way she smelled. He relished how close he was to her. Leslie closed her eyes, loving how his arms felt around her, strong and secure. The two of them stood there for a few moments and Leslie finally realized the extent of their embrace.

“Nice to see you again Brian,” she finally said softly.

Brian nodded, using that as a cue to pull away from her, though he could have stood like that all day, “It’s good to see you too.”

They smiled at each other, finding it hard to look away. Nick was digging through his bag trying to find his water, and Howie was eyeing the other dancers, but AJ had noticed the unusual embrace, and the longer than normal stare afterwards. He didn’t know what to make of it and decided that his mind was making something out of nothing, blaming it on how early it was.

Everyone suddenly snapped out of their thoughts when one of the choreographer’s, Charm, yelled out, “Oy!”

The entire room looked in her direction. When she was satisfied that she got everyone’s attention, she continued, “I just noticed the last few stragglers finally come in. So lets begin.”

Everyone moved towards her, “So thanks for coming out this early, but Caitlin and I only have two weeks to put all this together before the boys here go off on their promotional tour. It’s going to be a lot of work, but I think we’re going to have a lot of fun. We’re going to do a mixture of new stuff and the classic old stuff. But before all that, we have a few rules to start out with. First off, if you feel like you’re going to barf, please don’t just stand there and let it happen. Just leave and do your business. You'd think that'd be common sense but surprisingly, through past experience, it's not. Also, no bitching. It doesn’t help dancing for five hours straight and having someone complaining in your ear the entire time. And finally, please, for the love of God, just have fun.”

Caitlin then jumped in, “So, I think we’re going to start out with ‘Everything But Mine’. It’s going to mainly be just single choreography but there’s going to be some couple dancing for the last chorus or so. We randomly assigned a few of the girls to dance with you guys. Camille and Howie, Melissa and AJ, and Nick, considering your girlfriend is part of the show, we figured it would be too much of a distraction for you and her to be paired up, so we’re putting you and Ashley together, so Brian and Leslie should go well.”

Both Leslie and Brian’s hearts stopped for an instant after hearing those words. It was both unexpected and cruel. Leslie looked over at Nick to see his reaction and though he seemed to be a bit disappointed, he didn’t seem to be too put off by it. Relief started to wash over her, but that suddenly stopped when she realized the trouble this could eventually cause her. She looked over at Brian then and found him staring back at her. He quickly looked away, trying to compose himself. He kept thinking to himself how glad he was Leighanne didn’t tag along today. She was always good at reading his mannerisms and facial expressions. If she were here she would automatically detect both his nervousness and excitement and knew that she could trace those feelings back to the fact that Leslie was paired up with him.

Caitlin began to speak once more, “So Beth and Tina, you two are out of the couple’s routine, but will continue to dance in the back with the other boys.”

Charm commenced telling everyone what positions they would stand in. Howie, AJ, Brian, and Nick were obviously put in the front, with the four main girls behind each of their assigned partners. A mixture of the rest of the boys and girls were put further back, forming a perfect spaced out dancing area.

Caitlin stood in front of them all, facing the mirror so they could all see her in order to do the movements in the correct direction.

For over three hours they focused on the singles choreography; stepping, spinning, jumping, and everything in between. Brian kept sneaking glances at Leslie in the mirror. He watched as her body seemed to take to the movements like a fish to water, and it only made him work harder. He wanted to be up to par with her. He felt like he had something to prove. He felt like he needed to impress her.

Leslie herself kept catching glimpses of Brian staring at her through the routine, but every time he saw her looking at him, he would quickly look away. Each time this happened, a small smile formed on her lips. She didn’t know why he kept stealing glances at her, or why he kept looking away, afraid that she had seen him looking, but she liked it. She liked it a lot. But at the same time, Nick was doing the same thing, except he wouldn’t look away when she’d glance at him. He’d only smile and wink, continuing to dance. This tore down her high until she’d see Brian looking once again. It was a never ending cycle and it made her extremely unfocused. The routine was simple compared to some of her past ones, but the emotional tug-a-war within her was exhausting her, making it hard to get the moves down as quickly as she wanted to.

Finally, Caitlin allowed for a 10 minute break, so everyone immediately dispersed in search of towels and water. Brian noticed Nick exit the room for a restroom break and turned his attention to Leslie who was at the back of the room, drinking from a Nalgene. He knew that he shouldn’t go and talk to her, but he couldn’t contain himself. He had wanted to speak with her since she walked into the room that morning but he hadn’t had time to, so he used this as his chance.

“You’re doing great,” Brian commented.

Leslie looked over at Brian and smiled, “You are too. You got some smooth moves there Littrell.”

“Nah, I’m out of shape. It’s been awhile,” he said.

She nodded, swallowing the rest of the water in her mouth, “You don’t show it. Honestly. I’m impressed.”

Brian’s heart soared at her words, “Thanks Leslie, I appreciate that. You excited for the tour to start?”

She nodded, “Definitely. I think it should be a lot of fun. I’ve done a few tours but this one will be different I think. Your guys’ fans are so incredibly dedicated, so it will be cool to be apart of something that’s a little more intimate.”

Brian was pleased with her words, “You won’t be disappointed, I promise. We have a lot of good times. We’re a family. I just want you to know that you’re part of that now.”

She smiled warmly at him, “Thanks Bri.”

“And if you ever need someone to smack Nick back in line, I’m only a phone call away.”

Leslie laughed, “Oh, don’t worry about that. I can keep him in check.”

“Hey, I’m just sayin’, he can be a handful at times.”

“I can only imagine,” she winked. “But I’ve been meaning to tell you how much I love Leighanne. She’s gorgeous Brian.”

“She is, I’d have to agree,” he responded, though he immediately thought of how beautiful Leslie was.

Leslie actually felt self conscious all of a sudden, realizing how sweaty and unkempt she looked, but felt better, though shocked, when Brian spoke up again, “You look very pretty today yourself.”

“I do not,” Leslie said, looking away from him.

“No, really, you do. I don’t know how you do it, but you make sweaty look good,” Brian stated. He was shocked at what he just said and it was evident all over his face.

Leslie was definitely taken aback, but smiled, blushing, “Well, so do you Brian.”

There was an awkward silence between them where they only stared at one another. Nick suddenly pushed between the two of them, reaching down for his water. He stood back up staring at the two of them. Both Leslie and Brian looked away from each other quickly, both turning beat red.

“What’s up?” Nick asked, looking at the two of them strangely.

Leslie spoke up, fanning herself, “It’s hot as hell in here, that’s what.”

Nick leaned in and kissed her, “Just cause you’re here.”

Brian rolled his eyes, “Make me hurl already.”

“Shut up man, I had to endure this with you and Leighanne for years. It’s your turn to be tortured.”

And torture it was, because Brian longed to be the one kissing Leslie. He hated himself for this. He hated wanting anything to do with a woman that wasn’t Leighanne. He loved Leighanne dearly, but Leslie had an affect on him that he never expected. He hated it, but loved it at the same time. He had never anticipated such a conflict.

As the day progressed, the couple’s routine of the song was brought into the mix, and it only confused Brian more. Before, he thought that his feelings were only shared by him. He thought that in due time, he could get over this weird obsession he had for Leslie. He thought that it was only a passing phase that would fade, but as him and Leslie touched and moved with one another, he began to think things differently. The way his hands trailed over her soft skin only amplified the situation a hundred times more than it should have been. Where he normally learned routines easily, he was now finding it hard to concentrate more than ever. Having Leslie that close to him for that long clouded his brain. Having Leslie that close to him for that long only seemed to make his feelings for her grow stronger. He flat out wanted her. He just had no idea that Leslie was thinking all the same thoughts as he was. Leslie was having just as much trouble with her feelings.

But what really iced the proverbial cake was that whenever Leslie and Brian made eye contact, Brian and Leslie both saw the feelings within them reflected right back through his or her eyes. They both knew then that their feelings weren’t just theirs alone. They knew then that this wasn’t just a passing phase. They knew then that this was going to be a problem. One huge adulterous problem.

Love sought is good, but given unsought, is better.
~William Shakespeare

As Nick walked through his front door, he immediately noticed the smell of food being cooked in the kitchen. Curious, he laid down his bag, set down his keys, and followed the aroma. When the kitchen came into view, he saw Leslie facing away from him, slowly stirring something on the stove.

“Hey, baby, what you doing?” Nick asked, approaching Leslie. He rubbed her back and kissed her neck.

She turned to him and threw her arms around his neck, pulling him to her close, “I wanted to surprise you.”

Nick looked over at the cooking noodles on the stove, “You didn’t have to do this.”

Leslie shook her head, kissing him softly on the lips, “I wanted to. You’ve been working so hard lately, what with dance rehearsals and getting ready for the tour, and I wanted to do something for you for once.”

Nick’s heart melted at the woman standing in front of him. He couldn’t have asked for anything more when it came to a girlfriend. He hadn’t even expected to see her today. The past few days have only been dance rehearsals for him and the guys, so all the backup dancers have had a couple days off. He figured Leslie would be out and about.

“Plus, I feel like I’ve been distant lately, and I haven’t meant to be. I feel terrible about it,” she said, wrapping him in a hug.

The truth of the matter is that she had been distant. Not significantly, but enough for him to notice.

“It’s okay, I know you’ve been working just as hard as me,” he said, hugging her back.

She shook her head, “I just want to tell you I’m sorry and this here is my little piece offering.”

She motioned towards the food around the kitchen and Nick looked around, noticing all she had prepared, “What did you cook?”

“Baked penne pasta, salad, and for dessert, I got a little something special for you,” she winked.

She began to walk away but Nick grabbed her waist and pulled her to him, kissing her softly. She kissed back, wrapping her arms around his neck.

He pulled away and said softly, “I’m lucky to have you.”

“I’m lucky to have you too Nicky,” she softly whispered back.

And she meant it. She’d be trying to push all her Brian feelings aside, though it had been hard, especially with how close she’d been working with him lately. She realized that her feelings for Brian could never be acted on, even if it did seem that he had the same ones for her. The fact of the matter was that she was happy with Nick, and Brian was getting married, so why jeopardize that? It would have been stupid to, so it seemed for the time being, Brian and her had an unspoken agreement. They were strictly friends.

Nick finally pulled away, smiling at her, and went to the fridge, pulling out a beer.

Leslie looked after him, “How was it today?”

Nick shrugged, popping off the cap, “Not so bad. We’ve gotten a lot down. It was just a bit annoying today cause Leighanne stopped by for a little while.”

Leslie took the pot off the stove and began to drain the water, “Why was it annoying?”

“She was on the phone nearly the entire time talking about wedding this and wedding that. It was obnoxious. And when she wasn’t on the phone, she kept making comments on the dance moves.”

“What sort of comments?”

“Just suggestions on what she thought would look good. Charm and Caitlin weren’t pleased, which I can’t blame them. It was their toes being stepped on. It was kind of insulting.”

“Did Brian do anything about it?”

“Nah, but I can’t blame him for it. It would have just been awkward.”

Leslie nodded, “That’s understandable.”

“I guess, but I don’t know, I’m getting weird vibes from them.”

Leslie looked over at Nick quickly, “What do you mean?”

“I don’t know, it’s hard to explain. Brian just seems different with her, but I guess that’s expected. She’s changed a bit.”

“How so?” Leslie was intrigued.

“She’s so wrapped up in this wedding that she doesn’t seem to have time or room for anything else. I was talking to Brian the other day and he feels like there’s some separation between them now. He’s upset about it, but he doesn’t know how to bring it up with Leigh. It’s sad really.”

“You’d think he’d be excited about the wedding too.”

“Well, he is, but I don’t think it’s what he expected. I’m sure it’s just a bit of cold feet. I keep telling him it’s completely natural, but I feel bad for him all the same.”

“He should be fine. I wouldn’t worry about it Nick. He’s grown enough to know what he wants and if what he’s doing is right. I’m sure they’ll work things out. They’ve been together long enough to.”

“I suppose you’re right,” he smiled lightly, approaching Leslie once more and planting a few more kisses on her lips.

~~~~~~~

“I can’t believe you convinced me to come lift weights with you after an entire day of dancing non-stop,” Brian grumbled as he spotted AJ’s bench presses.

AJ breathed out, “Might as well man. Besides, it only makes dancing that much easier.”

They didn’t say anything to each other for a few moments. AJ kept pressing up on the bar, Brian still making sure to keep his hands lightly on the bar in case it dropped.

Brian tentatively started up the conversation again, “I got a weird question for you.”

“Shoot, I’m the King of Weird my friend,” AJ breathed out.

“Well, this is a really stupid question. It’s just hypothetical…” Brian began to babble.

AJ grunted, “Spit it out already!”

“Have you ever been attracted to any of our girlfriends?” Brian pushed out.

AJ stopped momentarily and stared at Brian, amused, “Say that again?”

Brian rolled his eyes, “You heard me the first time, so answer the damn question.”

AJ laughed, “Alright, alright. Yeah, I have. Leighanne’s hot as hell, Sam was pretty good looking too, and Kristin’s gorgeous.”

Brian had expected this answer, and didn’t know why he even felt the need to ask AJ in the first place. Maybe it was some small glimpse of hope that AJ would miraculously make him feel better about the Leslie situation. And it really was a situation. He hadn’t seen her in a couple of days, but before that, they saw a lot of each other through dance rehearsals. They were secretly having an emotional affair, though it was never spoken of between the two of them. He knew she was having trouble dealing with her feelings, just as he was. He knew that she cared for Nick, and he felt bad having to put a kink in their relationship. It was never on purpose.

He even felt worse that it was Nick, his best friend. He never wanted to do anything to hurt him and he clearly loved Leslie. This situation, on top of his growing problems with Leighanne, was all enough to make him have a nervous breakdown.

“That’s not what you meant was it?” AJ asked.

Brian was torn away from his thoughts, “What?”

“My answer, it’s not what you meant for me to say,” AJ repeated.

Brian shook his head, “I guess not, but I don’t know what else I’d want you to say.”

“To be honest Rok, I had feelings for Leigh,” AJ stated, still pushing the bar up and down.

“My Leigh or Howie’s?”

“Howie’s,” he clarified.

Brian was surprised at this and AJ saw this clearly etched on Brian’s face.

He quickly continued, “You can’t tell him, or anyone for that matter.”

“I won’t. But do you still?” Brian asked.

“Maybe a little bit.”

“How do you do it?”

“Do what?”

“Hide it so well?”

AJ thought about it for a moment and then said, “I never thought about hiding it. I always felt bad about it, but I knew I couldn’t act on those feelings. Besides, I knew she didn’t feel for me in that way. It’s Howie’s girl man, I wasn’t going to mess with that. My feelings have definitely subsided over the years, and now I have Rachel, so it’s not that big of a deal.”

Brian nodded but didn’t say anything. AJ noticed and asked, “Why do you ask?”

Brian shrugged, “No reason.”

AJ laughed, “Yeah right. It’s kind of a random question to just be throwing out for shits and giggles. There has to be some basis for it.”

“There’s really not. I was just curious.”

“Uh huh.”

Brian hadn’t wanted to ask this next question, but he knew he’d regret it if he didn’t. He wanted to at least get things sort of out in the open, “What would you have done if you knew Leigh liked you back?”

“Good question and I don’t know. Still probably nothing. Howie loved her and I wasn’t going to get in the way of that.”

“But what if, hypothetically, you two were meant to get together?”

“I don’t know Rok. That’s just getting a bit too complicated for me. I have to be thankful that it wasn’t that way. Dipping into your friend’s goodies is always a hazy subject. I’ve always tried to avoid it. But hell, not like you have anything to worry about with Leighanne.”

Brian knew that the conversation couldn’t have gone any further without it beginning to be obvious that there was definitely an ulterior motive. He decided to change the subject while he still could.

“Speaking of Leighanne, sorry about today,” Brian stated.

AJ pushed up on the bar once more and paused, “Sorry about what?”

“Leigh. I don’t know what was with her today.”

AJ rolled his eyes, “Women are like that. They have off days. It’s nothing to apologize over.”

“It was still unnecessary. And besides, Leighanne isn’t like most women. She would have never been like this before. She used to be so carefree and now she’s just…”

“Just what?”

“Boring,” Brian let out.

It sounded harsh but it was the perfect word to describe how Leighanne had become. She was boring now. She never wanted to do anything fun anymore, unless it had something to do with the wedding. Brian didn’t understand how something that was supposed to be a time of celebration and excitement could change her the way it did. They barely had any real time alone anymore without some marriage subject getting thrown into the mix. He can’t even remember the last time they had a real date, or the last time they had made love and it actually meaning something.

AJ finally pushed on the bar one more time, letting out a grunt. Brian grabbed the bar and set it in its notches.

AJ sat up, looking over at Brian, “I was wondering when you were going to bring this up to me.”

“What do you mean?” Brian asked, a bit confused at his comment.

“It’s obvious you two aren’t happy,” AJ stated.

“I wouldn’t say we aren’t happy bone,” Brian quickly responded.

AJ shook his head, “You might not think you’re unhappy, but you are. I would be too. You’ve been with her for what, three years?” Brian nodded and AJ continued, “That’s a long fucking time Rok. I’ve always loved Leighanne, don’t get me wrong, but something’s definitely changed in her. I can’t blame you for pulling away like you have, but if you want to be with her, you need to sit her down and talk to her.”

“That’s easier said than done,” Brian said.

“Maybe it is, but it doesn’t hurt to try. She probably has no idea what she’s doing, and what’s the worst that can happen by talking to the woman? You love her don’t you?”

“Of course I do,” Brian said a bit defensively.

AJ looked at him a bit skeptically but accepted his answer all the same.

“And you want to marry her?”

“Well, yeah, at least I think I do.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” AJ asked, raising his eyebrow.

“I don’t know. When I asked her to marry me, I knew what I was doing. I knew who I was asking. I wanted to marry that Leighanne, not this one. If this is the Leighanne I’m going to marry, then I’m not sure I want to go through with it. But I can’t accept that she’s always going to be like this. I loved the other Leighanne so long that it’s hard to think that this isn’t just some freak occurrence. It’s just... it's like all the passion out of our relationship died. I thought that was supposed to happen 10 years down the road when we have kids and we’re fat and old.”

AJ looked at Brian with sympathy. He felt bad for his friend, but he didn’t know what to say to relieve his feelings. It was a hard situation. An abnormal situation.

“Talk to her Bri. Maybe you too should even take a break. Postpone the wedding?” AJ suggested.

Brian quickly shook his head, frowning, “I’ve thought of that, but I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“My parents are so invested in this already. I can’t disappoint them, not when they love Leighanne as much as they do. I feel like I’m a failure. That I’ve done something wrong. And then Leighanne’s parents…” Brian sighed heavily, sitting down next to AJ on the bench, putting his head in his hands, “This is terrible Bone. I don’t know what to do.”

AJ put his hand on Brian’s shoulder, “Talk to her.”

Brian looked over at AJ, “And if that doesn’t work?”

“Then you either need to come to terms with it, or grow the balls to do something about it.”

Brian nodded, “Yeah. Thanks Bone.”

AJ clapped Brian on the back and got up, walking over to the leg lifts. Brian looked after AJ and sighed, finally getting up and following him. AJ was right, but that didn’t stop Brian from being nervous as hell about it.

Other men said they have seen angels,
But I have seen thee
And thou art enough.
~ G. Moore

Brian knocked on Nick’s front door and waited, taking a chance to look at how beautiful it was outside that day. The sun was shining and it wasn’t too hot. Brian had woken up that morning seeing this as a perfect opportunity to play some basketball. And who better to play basketball with than Nick? Besides, he needed to get out of the house. Leighanne was driving him crazy and he had yet to talk to her. He couldn’t seem to fit in what he had to say in any conversation, but he was beginning to reach a breaking point. It was either sit her down and talk to her, or have a blow up incident that he’d later regret.

Nick finally opened the door and was surprised to see Brian standing there, “Hey Rok, what’s up?”

“Want to play some ball?” he asked.

Nick’s face lit up immediately, “God, yes. I’ve been bored to tears around here.”

Brian knew he would be. Dance rehearsals were finally over and they were leaving for their tour in only a week’s time. As of now, they’ve been running through the set and perfecting the show, but otherwise, it was all a waiting game.

Brian followed Nick into his house and took a seat on his leather couch in the living room.

“So what’s new?” Brian asked, listening to Nick shuffle through a closet in search of a basketball.

“Meh, nothing really, just resting up you know,” he replied.

Brian opened his mouth to respond but stopped when he saw Leslie walk up the back porch steps from the beach. She slid the door open and walked in, sporting a jogging suit.

She stopped suddenly when she saw Brian sitting on the couch, “Brian, hi.”

“Hey Leslie,” Brian said back.

Brian thought how ridiculous it was to not have expected Leslie to be here. He hadn’t seen her in a few days now that rehearsals were over and done with, and it only made things worse. It seemed the more time they spent away from one another, the stronger his feelings grew. Every time he saw her, a ball formed in his stomach and he would become flustered and nervous. Just like with Leighanne, he was also reaching a breaking point with Leslie. He could sense the same from her too.

“What are you up to?” she asked, taking a seat across from him on a loveseat.

“Nick and I were going to play some ball. Care to join?”

“Tempting, but I was actually going to go out for a run. I just got done stretching. You’re welcome to join me,” she offered.

Brian’s immediate response would have been ‘yes’, but he quickly stopped, thinking of Nick.

“Well, I-“

“Hey baby,” Nick said happily, coming back in the room and throwing the basketball at Brian.

Brian caught the ball and watched as Nick walked over and kissed Leslie’s lips softly. She smiled at him and then glanced at Brian, blushing a little bit.

“I just invited Brian for a little jog. Did you want to come with?” she asked, returning her attention back to Nick.

He scrunched up his nose, “Not exactly. But Bri, if you want to go, that’s fine. We can play when you get back.”

“It would be a good warm up,” Brian replied, trying to justify his need to go with Leslie. The fact that Nick wouldn’t be there only heightened his desire. He yearned to be alone with her.

Leslie smiled, standing up, “Great. We’ll be back in 20 or so okay?”

Nick nodded, planting another kiss on her lips, “I’ll be waiting. Be careful.”

“You know it,” Brian said, getting up as well and following Leslie to the front door.

When Leslie and Brian closed the door behind them, they nervously looked at one another.

“You can set the pace,” she offered.

“You sure?”

She nodded, “Course.”

They walked down Nick’s driveway to the main residential street in silence, and then Brian began to jog slowly. Leslie started up, coming up beside him. They stayed in silence for a few moments, and Leslie finally broke it, “How have you been?”

Brian knew the question was only to break the tension between them, “I’ve been good. And you?”

“Just fine,” she replied. Silence then overwhelmed them again and after a few moments Leslie laughed, “Okay, this is awkward.”

Brian smirked, “Yeah, but why?”

Leslie glanced at Brian, knowing full well why it was awkward. She knew he knew too and realized he had wanted her to say what they were both thinking out loud, but she refused, “Maybe it’s because this is the first time we’ve ever been alone together.”

She was right and Brian was a bit surprised at this. He hadn’t realized that they had never been alone together. Maybe it was because whenever he was around her, it always felt like it was just the two of them. She took all of his attention and he blocked everything else out. When they danced, they would both get lost in each other’s eyes, but circumstantially and physically, this really was their first time alone with one another. Now that this moment had arrived, he felt like he didn’t know how to handle it.

“You’re right. Why don’t we ever hang out otherwise?”

Leslie sighed, taking a chance, “I think you know why Brian.”

He was shocked to finally hear her refer to their unspoken relationship. They both ran in silence for a few moments and Brian looked at Leslie out of the corner of his eye. His heart melted all over again at the sight of her. How could one woman have this affect on him? He didn’t understand it. And he couldn’t control it.

“Leslie, I-“

“Let’s not talk about it Brian,” Leslie interrupted. It was clear she was uncomfortable and she had regretted opening up an avenue for a conversation that could only mean further trouble.

Brian slowed down his pace and finally stopped. Leslie stopped as well, noticing how he was no longer by her side. She turned and looked at him, worried.

“I didn’t mean for this to happen Leslie,” Brian said softly, looking at her apologetically.

She stared him sadly, nodding her head, “I didn’t mean for it to happen either.”

“Then what do we do?” he asked.

“Nothing. You know that,” she replied.

“But is that possible?”

“It has to be. How are we going to get through the tour if it’s not?”

“That’s what I’m worried about,” Brian said, approaching her. She didn’t budge but allowed him to get closer. He raised his arm and brushed his finger tips across her forearm. She closed her eyes, relishing his touch.

Leslie took in a deep breath, only being able to focus on Brian’s fingers. She had to stop it, but didn’t know how. Brian was about to lean in to kiss her when she interrupted him.

“Brian, I love Nick,” she finally stated.

Brian dropped his hand and stared at her, “You do?”

She looked up into his eyes, “I think so. I can’t do this to him.”

“I don’t want to hurt him either Leslie. He’s my best friend,” Brian said softly.

“Then we need to stop this.”

He already knew this fact but hated hearing those words all the same.

“And what about Leighanne?”

Brian sighed, “I know.”

“You love her don’t you?”

He slowly nodded, “She’s going to be my wife isn’t she?”

“Yeah,” Leslie replied quietly, looking over Brian’s sad face. They stood there for moment, staring at each other. Leslie licked her lips and spoke up, “Why do I feel this way?”

“Like what?”

She raised her hand and touched her heart, “It hurts. I never thought that I would be in this position. How can I care for two men at the same time?”

Brian looked at her with sympathy, completely understanding how she was feeling, “You’re not alone in this Leslie. I’m going through the same thing.”

She nodded, “So we just need to set some boundaries.”

“Like?”

“Well, for one, we should try not to be alone with one another like this.”

“But is that fair? Friends hang out all the time,” Brian stated.

“Brian, we aren’t just friends,” Leslie replied, looking up at him desperately, wanting him to help her along with this. He was making it hard. “We can never be just friends.”

“But I want to be,” he said quietly.

“I do too, but how can we when we have these… these… feelings?” she finally let out, searching for the right words to use. Brian knew what she meant and saw the sadness and finality in the situation.

“Alright, so we can’t be alone,” Brian softly said, wanting so much to lean down and kiss her lips like he had seen Nick do so many times before.

“And we shouldn’t touch unless absolutely necessary,” she said, looking down at Brian’s fingers that had found there way back to grazing her skin. She stepped back from his touch, looking up into his eyes.

He sighed, “So only during shows then?”

“Yes,” she said.

“What else?”

“You shouldn’t look at me like that,” she said.

He raised his eyebrows in surprise, “Like what?”

“Like that. Like you are now.”

“How can I control that Leslie? I can’t. Just like you can’t control how you look at me.”

“I don’t look at you like you’re looking at me,” she replied.

“You don’t? Because lord knows every time you look at me I feel my whole world stop. I don’t know how you can show so much passion and caring in your eyes, but you do. You make this so hard for me.”

“I know Brian, but you make it just as hard for me.”

“So what, we can’t ever look at each other?” Brian mocked, clearly noticing the ridiculousness of the situation.

“It’s not something to joke about Brian. This is serious. This is not only our lives but Leigh’s, Nick’s, and even the rest of the guys’.”

Brian sighed, running his hand through his hair, wanting so much to grab her to hold her, to kiss her, to maybe even love her.

“So what do we do then?”

“Just try to get over this,” she replied.

“But what if I don’t want to?”

She was a bit shocked to hear those words and it was clearly shown on her face.

“Do you want to?” he asked, noticing her shocked demeanor.

“Well, yes,” she continued. Brian’s heart sank in his chest but skipped a beat when she continued, “And no.”

She looked at him with so much sadness, “I know that if we were to ever act on our feelings that we would hurt those we love, but I don’t want to get over this. I feel terrible for saying this, but it’s the truth. I feel so alive when you’re in the room.”

“I feel the same way,” he smiled lightly at her. They were quiet again, only looking at one another. This time, Brian broke the silence, speaking with so much sadness, “Why couldn’t I have met you years ago?”

Her heart broke at those words. She knew that circumstances would be completely different if they had only met at a different time when both of them were available. Now they can never see what could have been. They never had a chance.

“Because that would have been too easy,” Leslie said, trying to lighten the mood.

Brian smiled softly at her, “I guess so. I just wish things were different. It’s not fair that it’s this hard.”

“I know love,” Leslie said quietly.

Brian’s heart stopped in his chest when she called him ‘love’. The one word he yearned for and she finally said it. Not only that, but she said it with the same emotion and sincerity that she always gave Nick. Tears came to his eyes then and he tried desperately to blink them away, feeling stupid for being affected by something so insignificant.

“Brian, what’s wrong?” Leslie asked, concerned.

He shook his head, taking in a deep breath, “Nothing.”

The fact was it had finally hit him how incredibly depressing this entire situation was. He was engaged to a woman he was having second thoughts about. He loved Leighanne but he wasn’t sure if that was enough anymore. And here he was totally engrossed in this woman set before him. She too was in a relationship that seemed to be blossoming, but this relationship was with his best friend. His best friend that had never had the love of a good woman. His best friend that needed this woman more than anyone in the world.

How could this happen to him? Had he done something wrong to deserve this?

Leslie raised her hand and softly touched his cheek, “Seriously Brian, what is it?”

“This just sucks,” he let out. He repeated, more to himself than to Leslie, “Why couldn’t I have met you before?”

He covered her hand with his and he stared into her eyes, wanting more than ever to just block everything out and just be there with her. To be with her and not worry about hurting his friends and loved ones. To be with her and not worry about the consequences. He didn’t know how she did it, but just looking at her calmed him. Just looking at her relaxed him to his core and she allowed him to forget all the chaos that constantly surrounded him.

She reached up and gently kissed him on the cheek, and he closed his eyes, his breath catching in his throat. Her lips had felt softer than he ever imagined they would be.

“Maybe in time, these feelings will just go away,” she suggested.

Brian nodded, letting go of her hand. She let her hand drop away from his cheek and he replied, “Maybe.”

“It’s just a crush isn’t it?” she asked.

Brian wanted to disagree with her because it was clearly more than just a crush, but he didn’t want to make her feel like there was no way out of this. He knew that she realized this fact too, and mentioning that what they had was only a crush was her way of being optimistic. It was her way of coping.

“You’re right,” Brian finally responded. He tried to push the growing feelings within him aside, “So we’ll just stay away from one another. Try not to put ourselves in any situation where we could do things we’d later regret, and in time, this will fade. This will be fine.”

She smiled lightly up at him and nodded, “Okay. So that’s it?”

He agreed, “That’s it.”

She gave him one last smile and then motioned for him that it was okay for him to continue on with his jog. They jogged around the block but made their way back to Nick’s realizing that their conversation took up more time than was intended. The fact that the conversation even occurred was unexpected in itself. They both had individually thought that what they had would go unspoken. Though at the end of their conversation they both agreed that it was possible to move on from this, they still thought to themselves that it wasn’t that simple. What they had didn’t feel like a passing phase. If anything, finally admitting their feelings to one another only worsened the situation. It was unsettling but incredibly sad at the same time. They wanted each other, but knew they could never have one another.

Of course, unexpected things happen all the time. There was no way of knowing what would happen on tour. It was only a matter of time before they both weakened enough to give into their desires. It was only a matter of time before they crumbled.

Let's not talk about a possible ending
Let's not think about it every day
And I know I'm so in love with you
I'm finding it harder and harder to breathe every time I'm near
My beautiful woman
~by Backstreet Boys

“Leighanne, we shouldn’t do this right now,” Brian groaned, frustrated that this was happening now. Now. Right when he was about to go on stage for their very first concert of the tour.

“Do what now Brian?” Leighanne stood in front of him, her hands on her hips, staring at him with growing anger.

“This,” he breathed out, exasperated.

“This? That’s all I get?”

“Leighanne, please, can we do this after the show?” Brian asked, getting up from one of his dressing room chairs. He was already in costume and was waiting to be called on stage. Well, now he was begging for it. He needed to get away from Leighanne. He could tell this was a conversation that could last a long time.

“No! I want to talk right now!”

Brian looked at his closed door longingly, wanting so much to escape. Why did he have to ask her to stop talking about wedding plans? Why had he picked right now to open his fat mouth? Of course, he couldn’t help it. She was driving him crazy. He was already stressed and nervous about the show and she wasn’t helping matters. He had snapped, and he knew now that he was going to regret this.

Brian approached Leighanne and put his hands on her upper arms, rubbing them softly.

She sighed heavily and rolled her eyes, “Brian, this is ridiculous. You’ve barely said ten words to me in the past couple of weeks and out of no where you snap at me to stop talking about our wedding. How do you think that makes me feel?”

“I’m sorry Leighanne. I know I’ve been out of it. I’m just stressed out. This tour is a big thing and with the wedding and other…things, it’s just overwhelming,” he stated.

“You shouldn’t take this out on me Brian,” she said a bit harshly.

He felt a pang of hurt at her lack of sympathy. It was unlike her to not understand where he was coming from.

He pulled away from her, running his hands through his hair, “Leighanne, for the love of God, I’m not taking anything out on you! There are just more important things right now besides our wedding.”

Her eyebrows raised and she scoffed, “Really? More important things than our wedding? Our wedding?”

He knew he had crossed a line then but he couldn’t help but roll his eyes at her.

She stepped forward, anger etched over her face, “I understand that you’ve been planning this tour Brian, but that doesn’t explain to me why you’ve been so distant. That doesn’t tell me why you aren’t affectionate with me anymore. I start filming next week, but do you see me getting distracted like you? No! Because I fucking care about this marriage Brian! I have my fucking priorities straight!”

“I don’t have my priorities straight?” Brian was speechless and anger was growing steadily within him.

“No, you don’t!”

“Leighanne, open your damned eyes! You care about the wedding itself more than you care about me! All I do is supply the endless number of dollar bills that keep getting dumped into stupid accessories for a wedding that will only last a matter of hours!”

“Stupid accessories?” she asked quietly, hurt clearly shown on her face.

“Yes, stupid, useless accessories!”

She nodded her head, pursing her lips, “Alright, stupid useless accessories. And then I guess I’m just one of those stupid useless accessories huh?”

She turned and made her way to the door.

Brian sighed heavily, not wanting this to happen like it was, “Leighanne, stop…”

She opened the door and looked back at him, shaking her head, tears about to spill over from her eyes, “Why couldn’t you have done this earlier?”

“Done what?” he asked confused. Realization dawned on him then and he quickly continued, “Leighanne, I’m not ending our engagement!”

Brian began to approach her once more but she put her hand up to stop him, “You’ve been acting like it ended weeks ago.”

“That’s not true,” he said. He opened his mouth to speak again but was interrupted by a stage hand, pushing open the door, “5 minutes Brian.”

Brian bit his lip in frustration, nodding his head curtly, “Fine.”

The stage hand turned and made his way down the hall to warn the other guys. Brian and Leighanne stood there for a moment, staring at one another. Brian finally stepped forward. He exited the room but turned back and looked at Leighanne, who was standing there with tears streaming down her face, “We’ll talk about this after the show. Stay here.”

She closed her eyes, reached her hand out, and slammed the door shut in his face.

He sighed once more but knew that he had to push this aside or his performance was going to be off that night. He had to look at the positive. He finally opened a gate for further discussion, though it wasn’t what he had intended. That was his fault though. He should have talked to her before the tour even started. He had been selfish though, not wanting to cause anymore stress in his life than there already was.

He made his way backstage to his position on the elevator that would push him and the rest of the guys up and through the stage. He could already hear the band pumping up the crowd. His heart started to race as he heard the loud, pounding screams. Nick turned and grinned at him as he stepped up onto the lift.

“Oh man, you ready for this?”

Brian grinned, despite his inner turmoil. He was genuinely happy. It was when he was on stage that he seemed to be complete. He loved it.

“More than you know,” he responded.

Nick clapped him on the back and then turned into his standing position. AJ winked at Brian and Howie smiled, Brian doing the same.

“15 seconds!” someone screamed from behind them.

Brian closed his eyes, realizing then that they hadn’t done their group prayer. He sighed inwardly but said a prayer to himself anyway, which helped calm him to a degree. He was more excited than anything now.

“Microphones on in 5!”

The lift then started to rise and his heart jumped wildly in his chest. He could hear the beginning notes of ‘Everybody’. He could now see the mass of people in front of him, flashes from cameras, glitters from the lights of the stage hitting sparkling clothes. The screaming was intense but he embraced it.

He felt at home.

The lift stopped and as he opened his mouth, fountain fireworks exploded around them, signifying the beginning of their show.

“Everybody...rock your body...everybody, rock your body right,” Brian heard the rest of the guys join in then, the band kicking into action, “Backstreet’s back, alright!”

They stepped forward, doing their choreography they had drilled into their heads. He could feel the backup dancers appear behind them, joining in their dancing. AJ then opened his mouth and continued to sing, already working the crowd as we continued in our movements, “Oh my God we’re back again, brother, sisters, everybody sing…”

The crowd was eating it all up and all of the boys were on a high. It had been too long since they had done this and now that they were back here, they never wanted it to end.

The song finally finished and Nick stepped forward, “Geeeeeeeermany! We’re baaaaack!”

Nick grinned, wriggling his eyebrows. The screams intensified and he laughed into the microphone.

“Man, it’s been awhile, but it’s good to be back, and what better place to kick off the tour than here with you?”

Howie stepped forward, “We’re forever grateful for each and every one of you for sticking with us and believing in us for all these years. We really wouldn’t be here without all of you!”

AJ then said, “We love you guys.”

The screaming was constant and Brian couldn’t help but laugh. It was always a wonder how the entire stadium didn’t pass out from lack of oxygen intake.

“So sit back and relax Frankfurt, we’re here to party with you!” Brian yelled towards the crowd.

Screams erupted once more and the band started up with ‘Any Other Way’. Nick immediately stepped forward and began singing, “There you go, caught you crashing my dreams again, just when I’m trying to get over you…”

The rest of the concert went off without a hitch. Brian seemed to forget his mounting troubles with Leighanne through the energy of the crowd, the camaraderie between him and the guys, and most of all, Leslie. He would see her out of the corner of his eye and it just made his heart soar. He relished the songs where they got to dance with one another, even if it was only for a chorus or two.

As of late, they hadn’t crossed any of the boundaries set. At least on purpose. They hadn’t been alone together since that day at Nick’s and therefore hadn’t really talked. The only time they saw one another was at rehearsals or in a large group, and the only words passed between them were friendly conversation that was issued among everyone in the room. He still couldn’t stop the staring though and neither could she. He’d glance at her sometimes and see her staring back at him, but she would quickly look away to make it seem that she wasn’t looking.

He knew why he had allowed himself to develop the feelings he had for Leslie. She was something new and fresh in his life. Something that didn’t hold him down and smother him. His world had changed so much since he had proposed to Leighanne but she somehow seemed to steady him, just by her being in the room. It was no wonder why he levitated to her the way he had.

But he was beginning to wonder why she was allowing her feelings to develop as they were. She had heard her tell other people that her and Nick were doing great and about how happy she was. She had personally even told him that she loved him. So then why would she want to jeopardize that? I guess it really all depends. She has no need to justify her feelings because what’s there to justify? Feelings are feelings. They can’t be controlled. They occur when you least expect them to, and he just so happened to develop those same feelings, making it harder on the both of them to move on from one another.

After the show, Brian jumped into his designated van, waiting to be driven to his hotel. All he wanted to do was take a shower and go to sleep, but he knew Leighanne would be there waiting for him. She hadn’t waited in the dressing room like he had told her, which he knew she wouldn’t. She wasn’t one to be bossed around.

Everyone else had decided to go out and celebrate. They had begged Brian to come with, and he had wanted to, but he didn’t want to dig a deeper hole with Leighanne.

He finally reached the hotel, catching the elevator to the top floor where the rest of the guys were staying as well. When the doors slid open, Brian raised his head to come face to face with Leslie.

“Brian,” she said, shocked to see him.

He was shocked as well, stepping out of the elevator, “Hey Leslie. Why aren’t you with everyone else?”

“Not really in the mood to be babysitting a bunch of wild boys," she laughed.

Brian smiled, embracing how she seemed to melt away the stress within him. She continued, "Besides, I figured it would do Nick good to go out and have some alone time and party it up.”

Brian laughed, “You’re a dream come true you know that?”

She raised an eyebrow, “Am I now?”

“I’ve never heard of a girlfriend to openly allow her boyfriend to go out and do whatever he wanted.”

She shrugged, “You can’t pin someone down. If you do, they’re bound to stray aren’t they?”

Brian nodded, noticing the truth in that, “Nick’s lucky to have you Leslie.”

“And Leighanne’s lucky to have you,” she said, brushing past him as she entered the elevator.

Brian turned to look at her, “Where you going?”

“Sauna,” she replied.

“That sounds really nice right about now,” he said.

She had noticed his drained features and the worry in his eyes, “Want to come with?”

He smiled lightly, “Wouldn’t that go against what we talked about?”

“I guess so, but I was offering as a friend because you look like you could use some relaxation right about now.”

“I do?”

She nodded, “Mmhmm, you okay?”

“Just some girl troubles,” he stated. “Nothing extreme.”

She looked at him concerned, “What’s wrong with Leigh?”

“We just got in a fight earlier, no big deal,” Brian tried to brush it off.

“You need someone to talk to?” she asked.

Brian melted at how concerned she was. It had been a long time since he had seen that much caring in Leighanne’s eyes. It had been a long time since someone had cared that much about what he was feeling.

“Thanks Leslie, but I think I just need to go talk to her,” he said.

She nodded, “Alright, but if you needed anything, don’t hesitate to ask.”

He smiled at her one last time and then let go of the elevator door, allowing it to finally shut. He sighed, turning to walk down the hallway to his hotel room. He stopped in front of his door and breathed in, bracing himself.

He slid in the card and waited for the green light to flash before he pushed open the door. He entered the room quietly, shutting the door softly behind him. He immediately noticed Leighanne sitting on a couch, her head in her hands.

Seeing her there made him realize that tonight was going to be the night where he'd lay everything out on the table. Tonight would be the night that determined the path their relationship would take.

“Leigh,” he said softly. She looked over at him and he saw the anger still on her face.

“So I see a little time alone didn’t help,” he mumbled sarcastically, taking off his coat and throwing it over one of the chairs in the room.

She got up, “Actually, it made it worse. I’ve been sitting here thinking about all the things you have done lately and you know what Brian?”

“What?”

“You’ve done nothing.”

“And that’s a bad thing?” he asked, not really sure how to respond to what she had just said.

“Yes, it’s a bad thing! You’ve been so disconnected from everything lately. You want absolutely nothing to do with the wedding-”

“Leigh, I just got done doing a concert. I’m tired, I stink… I just want to go to bed,” Brian begged.

He knew it wouldn’t work though. He was just surprised how quickly she jumped back into the argument. It was like he had never even left. It's like he hadn't just performed in front of thousands.

She paused, looking at him, organizing what she wanted to say next.

“How can you sleep right now knowing that I’m unhappy?” she asked, hurt. “And you’re not even listening to what I’m saying. You don’t even care!”

“Of course I care!”

“Then listen to me!”

“I am listening!” Brian yelled, getting annoyed. He sat down, looking up at Leighanne’s furious face. He raised his hands, motioning for her to continue in an attitude that seemed to mock her.

She rolled her eyes, “Don’t have to be a smartass about it.”

“Just fucking talk Leighanne!”

She glared at him, “Why are you being like this?”

“Like what?”

“Like we haven’t been together for 3 years. Like we aren’t in love. Like we aren’t getting married.”

“I didn’t know I was acting like that,” he lied.

Truth was, even though he hadn’t meant for it to happen, he had been pulling away from her.

“You have though Brian. What have I done?”

Brian softened, “Leigh, this is hard.”

Tears started to well up in her eyes, “What’s so hard Brian? I just don’t understand.”

Brian got up and grabbed Leighanne’s hands, leading her to sit on the couch with him.

“Baby, I love you okay?”

She looked at him worried, “Okay. And I love you.”

“But this wedding is getting to me.”

“What do you mean?” she asked quietly, wiping away tears from her face.

“I feel like it’s all we ever talk about. It’s all you ever think about. It’s like I don’t exist anymore.”

“Brian, that’s not true,” she scoffed.

Brian raised his hand, “Let me finish. I know you mean well, but all of this is so unnecessary. I told you from day one that I never wanted a big wedding. I wanted you, my family, your family, a few friends, and that’s it. Why do we have to make it so big?”

“Because it’s a big deal to me Brian. It’s my dream,” she said. “Can’t you understand that?”

He nodded, trying not to get angry with her, “I do understand Leighanne. That’s why I’ve gone along with it for so long. I want you to be happy. To be honest, it didn’t bother me at first. It’s not even the fact that the wedding is huge now, it’s the fact that I have no say in anything. It’s the fact that I don’t seem to matter.”

“What are you talking about? I’ve included you in every decision.”

“Leigh, you’ve included me, but you never listened to anything I wanted. You asked me if I wanted a cigar bar and I told you no, but you thought it would be a good addition for all the men at the reception, so you did it anyway. You asked me if I wanted a candy bar but I said no because you already wanted the fondue fountain, but you went ahead and got it anyway.”

Leighanne didn’t understand why this was such a big deal. She didn’t understand why it bothered him so much.

“I just…I don’t-“

“Understand?” he asked.

She shook her head.

“That's precisely why we’re having this conversation right now. You don’t understand me anymore Leigh. You’ve changed so much since I proposed to you.”

“I haven’t changed,” she said defensively.

“You might not think so but you have. I want my old Leigh back. The one that was so spontaneous and loving. When was the last time we did anything fun? When was the last time we even went out on a date?”

She shook her head, frowning, “I don’t know Bri.”

“I don’t either. If we’re like this now, what’s it going to be like when we’re married?”

“But things will settle down when we’re married. Baby, it’s just the wedding,” she said.

“But if it’s the wedding then it will only topple over into our marriage. I don’t know if I can deal with that. I don’t know if I can do this.”

“What do you mean?” she asked, sniffling. She was getting nervous and he felt incredibly sad for her, for them.

“Now, Leigh, I don’t want you to get upset over this.”

“Get upset over what Brian? What can’t you do?”

Brian sighed, looking at her sadly, “I think we should cool off about the wedding."

She looked at him puzzled and opened her mouth to respond but he continued, "Or call it off completely."

She looked at him, shocked, her mouth falling open, “What?”

Brian started to speak again but she whispered, interrupting him, “You don’t want to marry me?”

“Leigh, I want to marry you, I do, but I think we should just take a break from all this. Breathe a little.”

“But I don’t want to take a break from this Brian. I’m breathing just fine!” she was crying hard now.

“But I’m not! I’m suffocating Leighanne. You’re smothering me.”

She looked at him with so much hurt, “I’m smothering you?”

“I’m sorry honey. I didn’t mean for this to happen. I tried to ignore it but things just got worse.”

“Because of me?” she asked.

“And me,” he said.

“So what? We’re done?”

“No,” he said quickly. “I still want to be with you. I don’t want to end this, but it’s ultimately up to you. We should just take a break from planning and just get back to us. Get back to loving each other. Do you think that’s possible?”

She nodded, ready to agree with anything he said to prevent the wedding from being called off entirely, even though she didn't understand what he was talking about, even though she didn't know what she had done wrong, “Of course.”

“Alright,” he said softly, raising her hand and kissing it.

He knew that she would try to be better but deep down he didn’t know if it would be enough. He only hoped that his pessimism would change along with her, but there was no guarantee. He had lost so much faith in them already, but he couldn't help but be hopeful that they could get back to how they once were. He just knew he didn’t want to throw in the towel just yet.

Soul meets soul on lover's lips.
~ Percy Bysshe Shelly

“Oh Nick,” Leslie moaned, clinging to his body, digging her nails into his back. He thrusted one more time, grunting, and then collapsed on top of her. She was breathing heavily, as was he. Their bodies intermingled within the hotel sheets.

Nick tried to catch his breath. He kissed her bare shoulder and slid off her body, lying next to her.

He looked over at her and saw her looking back at him. She smiled lightly, “I’m surprised you had that much energy left in you.”

Nick smiled and leaned in, kissing her softly on the lips, “I always have energy for you babe.”

She laughed lightly and flipped onto her stomach, resting her head on his chest. She closed her eyes and felt how it rose and fell softly beneath her. He put his arm around her and leaned down, kissing her on top of the head.

“I’m glad I’m here with you Nicky,” Leslie said.

“I am too Les. More than you may realize,” he replied softly.

Leslie noticed how his heart sped up a little bit just then, as if he was suddenly nervous. She raised her head to look at him, “You okay?”

He smiled down at her, “I’m better than okay.”

He sat up then, making Leslie sit up as well. He reached over and pushed Leslie’s blonde hair away from her face, tucking strands behind her ears. Cupping her face, he kissed her deeply. She raised her hands and placed them over his, kissing back. She loved how his lips felt.

He pulled away, looking into her eyes. He rubbed her cheek gently, “Leslie, I have something I’ve been meaning to tell you.”

“What is it?” she asked concerned.

He smiled, laughing at himself, “I feel stupid. I do. It’s just, I’ve never felt like this before.”

She finally realized where this was going. Her heart felt like it stopped in her chest. She didn’t want him to say what he was going to say next just for the simple fact that she wasn’t ready.

“I’ve had girls throw themselves at me since I can remember.”

Leslie rolled her eyes, smiling, “Oh lord.”

He laughed, “Seriously Leslie.”

“I know,” she laughed lightly.

“What I’m trying to say is that you’re different,” he said.

She looked at him more seriously, recognizing how his tone changed to a less playful nature. He took her hand, squeezing it, “You see me Leslie. At least more than any girl has ever before. I feel blessed to have found you.”

“Nicky-“, Leslie began. Nick stopped her, “I love you.”

He looked at her expectantly, his eyes big and full of love. Leslie’s chest ached at he said those words. She raised her hand and set it on his cheek, rubbing his skin softly with her thumb. He took her hand and kissed her fingers, repeating what he said, “I love you Leslie. More than anything I ever have before.”

Tears stung Leslie’s eyes and she tried to blink them away, but to no avail.

“Oh Nick,” she sighed quietly.

He looked at her, waiting. She struggled within herself to figure out how to handle this. It would be unfair to tell him the same when she wasn’t completely sure of her own feelings. She thought she loved him, but was that enough? He deserved more than that.

She knew that if she didn’t respond, she would break his heart. She never wanted to hurt him. And it would be such a horrible thing to hurt him for, just because she wasn’t where he was at yet at that point in time. Why not tell him she loved him when it was really only a matter of time before it was complete truth?

“I love you too, love,” she finally replied.

He breathed out heavily, as if he were holding his breath. He smiled widely, his eyes watery, “Really?”

She nodded, “Baby, of course I do.”

She leaned in, pressing her lips to his. He kissed back hungrily, his heart soaring within his chest. He had been afraid to tell her how he felt, especially since at times it felt like she wasn’t there with him. Sometimes she’d be looking at him, but not really, as if she were imagining someone else. It happened most when they had sex. Sometimes she’d be there with him, but at other times, though subtle, he could tell that she was somewhere else.

She got up on her knees, never parting from his lips and moved towards him, crawling into his lap. She ran her fingers through his hair, relishing how his tongue mingled with hers.

She finally pulled away, looking him in the eyes, “You’re too good to me.”

He shook his head, running his hands down her back, “It’s the other way around.”

She smiled at him slyly, running her hand down his chest, to the one spot on his body that he loved to be touched the most. She grabbed him gently and smiled when he gasped. She bit her lip, rubbing him softly, feeling him harden.

“Again?” he asked, kissing her.

She kissed back, smiling and nodding, “Again.”

She lifted slightly and positioned herself over him, slowly coming down on top of him, letting him fill her. Nick closed his eyes, moaning slightly as he felt her envelope him.

“Leslie-“

She kissed him, not moving quite yet, “Just let me okay?”

He nodded, letting her kiss his lips one more time before she lifted and came down again gently. She bit her lip, moaning softly. She continued this pattern, slowly, both of them moaning continuously. Nick held her, relishing her under his finger tips, kissing her softly in their shared pleasure. She clung to him tightly, closing her eyes.

He kissed her neck, moaning out once more. They were breathing heavily now and their moans were becoming louder.

“Leslie,” Nick grunted, finding it hard to let her continue as she was. He wanted to take over, feeling the torture of how slow and gentle she moved. She tried to keep at this pace but the feelings within her wouldn’t allow it. She wanted more. She clenched herself around him, and he cried out at the sudden tightness this evoked.

“Nicky,” she moaned.

Nick couldn’t take it anymore and finally took initiative, flipping her over and covering her once more, immediately diving into her like he had so many times before. She cried out loudly at the sudden movement and grabbed the sheets around her in her fists, trying to contain herself.

He sped up his pace, grunting. She moaned loudly, “Oh God Nicky.”

“I love you baby,” he groaned, thrusting in and out of her. He leaned down and kissed her, and she once again wrapped her arms around him, hugging him to her close as they moved with one another. She closed her eyes letting those words fill her ears.

Yes, he did love her. And she supposed she really did love him too.

~~~~~~~

Brian closed his eyes tightly once again, trying to block out the pounding and moans coming from the other side of the wall. He had experienced this many times before with all of the guys. Hotel walls are made to be thin to both save money and to put more inconvenience on their customers. It didn’t normally bother him, but it did now. He knew who was on the other side of the wall. He knew whose woman’s moans those were. He hated the fact that it was Nick there with her. He hated the fact that it wasn’t him getting lost in her. What he hated most of all was the fact that he even had these thoughts in the first place.

He lied on his back, staring up at the ceiling. He sighed heavily when he heard giggling and more moaning.

“Jesus,” he said under his breath. He turned and looked at Leighanne who was sitting up in bed, the bedside lamp on. She was reading over her script silently, her lips moving as she tried to memorize the words.

She noticed his movement and looked over at him, “Did I wake you up?”

“No, they did,” he yawned, referring the next round of noises coming from the room.

Leighanne smiled lightly, “We used to do that.”

Brian couldn’t help but laugh lightly, “Yeah, I guess we did.”

“You learn to shut it out after so long you know? Remember last tour with AJ? Goodness, he has the most stamina I’ve ever seen,” she laughed.

Brian smiled, sincerely happy at the sparkle he saw in her eye. It had been a while since he saw that and it warmed his heart to see it again.

“I thought I had the most stamina you’ve ever seen?”

She hit me lightly, laughing, “Come on Brian.”

He sat up and kissed her on the lips lightly. She searched his face, allowing him to give her butterfly kisses on her neck and shoulder. She licked her lips but then squirmed under him, “I’m sorry honey, but I can’t tonight. I need to learn these lines.”

Brian looked at her and nodded once, “Alright.”

He kissed her once more and then turned over, closing his eyes. Though it wasn’t that big of a deal, he was still hurt at being rejected like that. They hadn’t been the same since their fight the other night. She had been better about not talking about the wedding and being more attentive to him, but something just wasn’t right. It was more to do with him than anything else. He felt different. It’s as if telling her how he felt only cemented his worries and feelings. But he still wanted to try.

Leighanne was leaving in only a few days time to start filming a movie. She would be gone for a few months out on location. Brian was having trouble figuring out if he was happy to get some time alone away from her or upset that he wouldn’t see her for so long. It was a crucial time for the both of them, but it was out of his hands. He would do the best he could do just as she would the best she could, and in the end, whatever happened, happened.

He just knew that he would forever have a special place for her in his heart. She was his first love. Of course, he thought she’d be his only, but that was clearly not the truth. There was also Leslie. An untouchable girl who had somehow bewitched him, and here he lay next to a woman that loved him, hearing that untouchable girl through the wall, and all he could do was close his eyes and try to push away the tears that threatened to overflow.

You know you are in love
when you see the world in her eyes,
and her eyes everywhere in the world.
~ by David Levesque

“Leigh, you sure you don’t want to come? We haven’t been here in awhile. It’ll be fun,” Brian said. Leighanne sighed and looked around the room at her opened luggage, “I want to but I shouldn’t. I have so much to do still before tomorrow.”

She looked up at him apologetically, “I’m sorry.”

He smiled at her and shook his head, “Don’t be sorry. You sure you don’t want me to stay and help with anything?”

She approached him and kissed him lightly, “Go. Seriously. It’ll be some nice alone time.”

Brian nodded, kissing her once more, “Okay, but call me if anything comes up.”

“I will,” she said, turning back to packing her things.

Brian grabbed his Wildcats hat off the dresser and left the room, turning the corner to the elevators. He smiled to himself, thinking of how great the past couple of days have been with Leighanne. They had spent more time together than they had in months and it was refreshing. He remembered how much fun he could have with her by just sitting around and talking.

Though she had been trying and though they were on the right track, he unfortunately still felt unease. He felt that she wasn’t genuinely concerned for their relationship but only doing what she was doing to appease him. Maybe that wasn’t so bad, but he still felt unhappy about it. It was, in some form or another, a lie. Sometimes it felt like she was faking it.

He looked up then and slowed his pace when he saw Leslie facing away from him. Her blonde hair cascaded down her back in curls today and for a split second, his breath caught in his throat.

“Why do I tend to run into you at the elevator?” he asked, approaching her from behind.

Leslie jumped and spun around, “Oh my God!”

Brian laughed, “I didn’t scare you or anything did I?”

She laughed back, holding her heart, “You’re like a cat. I didn’t even hear you.”

“I’m sorry,” he grinned.

She hit him lightly on the arm, “That may work now, but next time I just might have a heart attack.”

“Nah, you’re in too good of shape for that to happen.”

She smiled at him and blushed slightly.

He laughed again, “You blush nearly every time something comes out of my mouth. Am I really that smooth?”

“Oh be quiet Littrell. Don’t give yourself that much credit,” she said sarcastically. The elevator doors opened and they both stepped in.

“Hey, I’m just saying,” he winked.

She rolled her eyes and laughed, “But you’re right. I’m starting to think you’re stalking me.”

“Me stalking you? It’s you stalking me darlin’,” he drawled.

She looked over at him, “Darlin’. I like that.”

Brian smiled, noticing the mounting tension in the elevator. He quickly decided to change the topic, “So, where you going?”

“Actually, I was going to go walk around. I’ve never been to Amsterdam before.”

Brian raised his eyebrows, “Alone?”

She nodded and he continued, “Where’s Nick?”

“Still sleeping. I’ve never dated anyone that sleeps as much as he does.”

Brian laughed, remembering the days when he used to have to room with Nick on the road. He was nearly impossible to wake up in the morning. He always had to result to horrible tactics to get him up. The guy liked his sleep. You couldn’t really blame him for it.

“Seriously though, you shouldn’t be going out alone.”

“Why not?”

“Easy target, that’s why,” Brian stated.

She raised her eyebrow, “Easy target for what? I’ve been known to throw a few punches in my day. I can handle myself.”

The elevator doors opened and they stepped out into the busy lobby.

Brian looked at her surprised, “Really?”

She laughed at the look on his face, “I was a tomboy when I was a kid.”

“You? I don’t believe it,” Brian said. And he really couldn’t. She was definitely a girly girl.

“You better believe it, because it’s all truth my friend,” she winked. “But seriously, what am I an easy target for?”

“Thieves mainly. Europe’s famous for pick-pockets. Plus, it’s just not safe for a woman going out alone. It’s better if you have someone, preferably a guy, with you.”

“I see,” she said, smiling at him.

He looked at her sly smile and couldn’t help but smile back, “What?’

“You’re full of shit Littrell.”

He scoffed, “Am not!”

She laughed, “If you want to tag along, just say so.”

He was taken aback by her comment but quickly recovered, “Hey, now don’t go giving yourself that much credit.” He grinned, referring to the comment she made earlier on the elevator. She blushed again, embarrassed that she had assumed that it was his plan to spend time with her. He saw her blush and quickly continued, not wanting her to think he didn’t want to be with her, “I’m kidding.”

She looked up at him and smiled, “Liar.”

“Seriously. To tell you the truth, I was going to walk around too.”

“But alone? Those prostitutes would be snatching you up off the street. Europe’s famous for violent man-handling prostitutes, didn’t you know that?” she mocked.

Brian laughed, “Touché my lady.”

She laughed and he smiled, stuffing his hands in his pant pockets, “So what do you say?”

“About?” she pushed, wanting to hear the words come out of his mouth.

“How about humoring me and joining me today?”

She bit her lip and looked at him, wondering if this was really a good idea or not. She finally asked, “Where’s Leigh?”

“She’s packing. She leaves tomorrow.”

“Oh right, the movie thing right?”

Brian nodded. She smiled at him, “Alright.”

“Wait, sorry, couldn’t hear you,” he jokingly said, leaning in, cupping his ear.

She rolled her eyes, “Shut up and start walking.”

Brian laughed, “Okay okay.”

He walked to the front door and held it open for her. She started walking down the street and he rushed to catch up with her. She looked over at him, “You do realize we keep violating our rules.”

Brian shrugged, “Rules are meant to be broken.”

“Maybe they are,” she said and then bluntly stated, “This isn’t a date.”

He quickly looked over at her and let out a laugh, “A date?”

“You heard me.”

“No, it’s not a date,” he replied.

“I’m just saying, it feels like it should be one,” she explained.

He nodded, “It does. But it’s not a date.”

She shook her head, “Not a date. Cause you’re engaged and I’m happily involved.”

He nodded, “That’s right.”

“So! You’ve been here before, what’s good to see?” she asked, changing the subject.

“Lots of things, especially if you’re into smoking the ganja,” he said jokingly. She raised her eyebrows at him and he smirked, “What?”

“Do I look like I smoke?”

“Well, no,” he quickly said, worried that he may have offended her.

She grabbed his arm and squeezed, smiling, “Don’t take me so serious Bri. But I wouldn’t mind.”

“Mind what?” he asked.

“Oh don’t make me say it.”

He laughed, “Why not?”

“Oh, come on, so you’ve never done it before?”

He grinned and her mouthed dropped open, “Really? You? You?”

He nodded, still smiling. She continued, still shocked, “YOU? Sweet, innocent, Christian Brian Littrell? A pot smoker?”

He laughed, “I’ve done it a couple times. I’m not a pot head. And don’t look at me so shocked. I’ve been around AJ and Nick for a decade. What do you think would happen? Besides I see no harm in it when you’re around friends.”

She smiled, “I guess so.”

“So?” he pushed. She copied him, teasing him, “Sooo?”

“Oh come on, I just told you one of my secrets without even a second thought, and you’re not even going to tell me anything?”

“That was one of your secrets?” she asked.

He nodded, “Not many people know that, obviously. I mean look at how you reacted.”

“Yeah, I guess so,” she said a bit quietly.

He saw her demeanor change to a less happy nature and he furrowed his eyebrow, “What’s wrong?”

“Well, nothing. I just feel sort of bad.”

Brian laughed, “What, why?”

She shrugged, “I don’t know.”

“You’re upset cause I told you I smoked pot?”

She shook her head, “No. Well, yes. I don’t know! I feel bad that you trust me enough to have told me that.”

“Leslie, that’s ridiculous. I feel like I can tell you anything.”

She looked over at him, “But you barely even know me.”

He looked back at her, and said quietly, “I know. But I want to. The fact that I’m willing to tell you anything means something doesn’t it?”

She turned her head back to the people and buildings around her, “It does. And it must mean something that I feel like I can tell you anything too.”

“Even though you hardly know me?” he asked. She looked over at him once more, her eyes meeting his, “Yes, even though I hardly know you.”

They walked in silence for a few moments and Brian finally spoke, trying to lighten the mood back up, “So, have you ever?”

“Yup,” she said.

“That was hard to get out of you,” Brian joked.

She slapped him playfully, “I actually do it every day!”

He looked at her shocked, “Liar.”

She smiled at him, “I know. But I have done it. Just like you said, I don’t see anything wrong with it when you’re around friends you can trust.”

They walked in silence for a few more moments and Brian finally let out a laugh. She looked over at him, “What?”

“We just had a random conversation about marijuana.”

She smiled, “We did. Who would have thought I’d be walking down the street in Amsterdam with a Backstreet boy talking about our pot experiences?”

“Hey, life’s silly that way,” he said.

She nodded, “That it is.”

Brian noticed the buildings around him become more familiar when something clicked in his head.

“Do you like parks?” he asked suddenly.

“I love them.”

“There’s a really cool one a few blocks that way,” he said, pointing to the left.

“Well, lead the way,” she said. He smiled at her and turned. Leslie followed closely.

“Nick and I came here last time. It has a huge playground, basketball courts, fountains, the whole deal. Some pretty neat stores surround it all too.”

“Sounds nice,” she said. They finally came upon it and Leslie grinned, “It’s beautiful.”

He looked at how her face brightened and was pleased to have made her happy. She watched how a group of kids waded and splashed through the large fountain set before her. She turned to him then, looking at him slyly, “Want to go in?”

He was speechless for a moment, “In? As in the fountain? In the water?”

She smiled, nodding, taking his hand and beginning to drag him towards it. He laughed, resisting, “Don’t think so.”

“Oh come on! It’ll be fun,” she said, continuing to struggle to bring him towards the fountain.

“I don’t wanna,” he whined.

She rolled her eyes and finally gave up, stopping at the foot of the fountain and turning to him, pouting. He couldn’t help but smile at her cute face. He finally gave in, though against his better judgment, “Okay.”

A large smile spread across her face and she grabbed his hand again, stepping up on the edge. Brian stepped up as well, bending down to act like he was going to take off his shoes, but then suddenly pushed Leslie. She screamed and tumbled into the fountain, a huge splash of water exploding before him. Brian blocked his face from the water that showered him. He laughed as he saw Leslie sputter. She wiped the hair away from her face and glared up at Brian, “Jerk!”

Brian looked down at her and couldn’t contain himself. His stomach was beginning to ache from his laughter. She stood up and he couldn’t help but notice how her clothes clung to her curves. He slowly stopped laughing and licked his lips, trying not to make it noticeable that he was staring.

“Well, help me out at least,” she said, pushing through the water, holding out her hand. He reached his hand out to help her and she quickly grabbed it, yanking him forward. As he fell, he thought how stupid he was to not have seen this coming.

When he came up, spitting out water, Leslie’s laughter reached his ears.

“Karma baby, karma!” she teased.

He stood there in shock for a moment, just looking at her, ignoring the children splashing around them. He then grinned when Leslie wouldn’t stop laughing. He began to laugh as well, reaching down and splashing her. She screeched and tried splashing back, to no avail. She screamed trying to get away from his ruthless attack.

“Had enough?” Brian yelled.

“Yes!” Leslie screamed.

Brian stopped then and smiled, approaching Leslie through the water. She looked up at him as she moved her wet locks away from her face. They were both still laughing lightly but were slowly stopping as they looked at one another. Brian reached up and tucked some of her hair behind her ear. They stood there, not speaking, until finally Brian spoke softly, “You look gorgeous even when you’re all wet.”

She smiled, biting her lip, “So do you.”

He grinned, looking down at her lips. He wanted so much to touch them with his, to feel how soft they were.

She saw where this was going and cleared her throat when he began to lean down. He quickly stopped, turning away, “So, how about a little rest?”

Leslie quickly nodded, “Sounds good to me.”

Brian grabbed her hand and helped her walk through the water and then out of the fountain. Leslie began to ring out her hair as Brian took off his shoes, looking around at a good place to sit down. He spotted a nice patch of grass in the sun and began to walk towards it, Leslie soon following. They both sat down and avoided looking at one another, not saying anything at first.

Leslie let out a laugh finally, “We shouldn’t be here together like this.”

Brian replied, looking over at her, “No, but I like being here with you.”

She looked back at him, smiling lightly, “I like being here with you too.”

“I haven't done something like this in so long. It's nice. And it’s just like you said before. We barely know one another so this is a great opportunity to get to know each other.”

“What would you like to know?”

“Well, let’s start out with the basics.”

“Such as?” she pressed.

“What’s your favorite color?” he asked.

She smiled at him, not expecting to hear such a trivial question, but she humored him just the same, “Pink. You?”

“Blue. What’s your favorite movie?”

“The Fountain, and no pun intended,” she replied.

He raised his eyebrows, “Don’t think I’ve heard of that one.”

She gasped, “Really? It’s amazing. Hard to understand, but when you do get it, it’s incredible.”

“Ah, so a thinking movie then?”

“And it’s a chick flick,” she added.

“Don’t laugh but I enjoy chick flicks,” he said.

She laughed anyway, “Really?”

“Oh come on Leslie, I told you not to laugh.”

“I think it’s cute,” she replied.

“Oh, well if that’s the case,” he teased.

She continued, rolling her eyes, “So you’re the type of boyfriend that would go see a chick flick with your girlfriend even if you didn’t want to and not bitch about it?”

He nodded, “Of course. My job’s to keep the girl happy isn’t it?”

She looked at him smiling, not saying anything for a moment, “Not many guys are willing to do that.”

“You make it sound like it’s torture,” he joked.

“Well, it is, to a lot guys anyway. Maybe not for you since you enjoy them, but I’ve dated many guys and I have still yet to meet one that’s willing to see a chick flick and not complain about it.”

“Well here I am,” Brian replied, grinning.

She smiled lightly, saying quietly, “Here you are.”

He cleared his throat and averted his gaze once more, worried of getting lost in her eyes again, “What kind of music do you listen to?”

“Anything really. I’m not picky. I just love music,” she said.

Brian replied, “Me too.”

“But I have to admit, I love your music,” she said.

He scoffed, “You don’t need to butter me up or anything.”

“No, I’m serious. I’ve been a fan of you guys since you first came out.”

“Really?” he asked.

She nodded, “Really, I swear. I think you guys are extremely talented and your music is heart warming and fun. And you Brian, you have such a beautiful voice.”

He smiled at her, “Thank you.”

“I know you hear that a lot,” she said, embarrassed at what she had just said. She had been afraid of how teeny-bopperish it had sounded.

He quickly shook his head, “No, not at all. It’s nice coming from you.”

She looked at him, “Yeah?”

“Yeah. Hey, maybe I’ll even write you a song someday,” he winked.

She laughed, “No need for that. Not like any guy has ever even attempted to do something even remotely close to that for me.”

“Nick hasn’t?”

“Written me a song?”

“Well, that or anything romantic?”

“No, he has. Not the song part but he’s very romantic, more so than any guy I’ve ever dated before. He’s a good guy.”

Brian nodded, fully agreeing, “He is. I know I’ve said this before, but he really is lucky to have you.”

“But why?” she asked, her heart hurting because she knew she was deceiving him. He had given her everything he had emotionally but she had not. How could she when part of her heart was held by the man sitting beside her?

“Nick has never had a good run with women. He’s been hurt more times than I can count, but it’s obvious you truly care for him. To be honest, I’ve never seen him take to a girl as quickly as he has with you. He’s been happier and more energetic. He’s a better man when you’re around,” he stated.

She sighed, “Don’t say these things Brian.”

“Why not?” he asked, confused at her reaction.

“Because I don’t deserve to be that girl.”

“Of course you do Leslie! You deserve a man that will care for you and love you just as much as you do for him, and Nick does that for you. He’s good to you, so what’s so wrong about that?”

She looked at him sadly, seeing the sincerity in his eyes. She knew that he wanted to be with her just as much as she wanted to be with him, but under the circumstances, there was no way of that happening. So really, he was right. What was so wrong with having Nick love her the way he did? Why not embrace it?

“There’s nothing wrong with that,” she finally said.

He decided it was probably time to move on from the subject before he delved any deeper. He knew if he did so that he would be entering territory that he alone would be involved with, and he was in no position to start taking responsibility for what they have and what they have not done. The fact of the matter was that they were cheating. Not physically, but emotionally and spiritually. Wanting to act out deep feelings is almost just the same as actually doing them. At least with this comes less guilt.

Brian cleared his throat, “So tell me about your family.”

“Well, there’s my mom and dad. Love them dearly. They’re very supportive, always have and always will be. And I have an older sister Amy. She’s my best friend,” she said.

Brian raised his eyebrows, “You never told me you had a sister.”

“You never asked,” she teased.

“You got me there,” he stated, smiling at her. “I’d like to meet your family Leslie.”

She was taken aback by his comment, “You do?”

He nodded, “Of course. If they mean so much to you, I’d love to meet them. They're a part of you aren't they?”

She became a little uncomfortable. Not because of what Brian said, but how he said it. He genuinely meant it, and the fact that Nick had never even mentioned meeting her family only unsettled her more. She said quietly, “Maybe in time then. They’ve never met anyone famous before.”

Brian laughed, “I’d hardly call me famous.”

“You’re famous to me Brian,” Leslie smiled, saying it in a teasing manner. Brian’s heart fluttered in his chest all the same. She continued, “What about your family?”

“Just like you, they’ve always been very supportive. I love my parents. They’re the ones that kept me going when I wanted to quit you know? I’ve been very blessed.”

“They must be good people because they raised a great son,” Leslie replied.

Just like Leslie, Brian’s emotions were going haywire within him because it wasn’t what she was saying, but how she was saying it. He couldn’t remember Leighanne ever being so sincere with him.

“What about siblings?” she asked.

“Older brother.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yep, Harold’s a good one too. Not so much when we were younger but now we click. He likes to pick on me sometimes but what sibling doesn’t?”

Leslie laughed lightly, “So true. Amy can drive me up the wall sometimes but we get along for the most part.”

“It seems different with girls though.”

“How so?”

“Well, for one, you guys can talk for hours about what color you want your bedspread to be. If I did that with my brother, he’d punch me.”

Leslie laughed, “We don’t talk for hours about what color our bedspread is going to be.”

He started to laugh as well when he saw Leslie wasn’t stopping. She wiped a few tears away from her eyes, “Brian, you’re funny.”

“I try I guess?” he said, laughing lightly still.

“It’s like me saying all you boys do is grunt when you guys walk by each other and somehow it equates to an entire conversation that only you can understand.”

Brian chuckled, “Actually, that sort of is how it works.”

“Well, that’s enlightening,” she giggled.

Brian grinned, “You know Leslie, you’re really easy to talk to.”

“So are you love,” she smiled. There it was again. God, he loved it when she said that.

“Where did you get that?”

“Get what?” she asked, pulling some grass out of the ground and fiddling with it in her fingers.

“Love,” he said.

“You mean when I call you that?”

He nodded.

“Oh, well, I guess my mom. She used to call Amy and I that sometimes and I guess it sort of just stuck. Well, maybe not because of that. She uses it with my dad the most. Kind of like a pet-name, but not. It’s hard to explain. I like it because it’s gentle and it gets to the point. You know, I don’t even realize I’m saying it,” she said.

Brian smiled at her, “I love it when you say it.”

“Yeah?”

“I don’t know why I just told you that, but I do. I first noticed it with Nick but you use it with me sometimes.”

“I probably use it with everyone,” she said, acting like it wasn’t a big deal.

“Maybe,” he humored her, though he knew she didn’t. He used it with Nick and himself, that’s it. But he didn’t want to tell her so because he knew she would become self conscious and he didn’t want it to stop. He coveted it, as stupid at that may be. It was his own little selfish pleasure. He wondered if Nick felt the same way. “There’s just so much sincerity and emotion in it and, like you said, it’s gentle. The way you say it...”

She smiled at him and his whole world seemed to brighten. He realized then that this little outing was probably not a good idea. He had bonded with her over trivial things, and had talked about nonsense, but he had grown closer to her just the same. To anyone else, they were clearly close friends. They laughed and talked together like they had known each other for years, and to them it had felt that way.

For the rest of the afternoon they talked about everything from movies to sports, from past loves to their current ones, about dancing, about singing, about everything they could touch their hands on. They greedily ate up everything the other one said and when the sun began to set, their hearts sank in their chests.

“Brian, we’ve been out here for hours,” Leslie stated. “My clothes aren’t even wet anymore.”

Brian laughed, “Time flies when you’re having fun.”

She smiled at him, saying softly, “That it does.”

“We should probably get back?” he suggested.

She nodded, getting up from the grass, “Nick’s probably wondering where the hell I went.”

“Leighanne probably is too,” Brian agreed, standing up as well, dusting grass from his jeans.

They began walking, and Leslie spoke up, “I didn’t even get to see Amsterdam.”

“I’m sorry,” Brian apologized, realizing this same fact and feeling horrible about it.

She smiled at him, grabbing his hand and squeezing it lightly before she let go again, “I liked this better.”

His heart melted once more, “I did too.”

And he did, so much so that he hated that it had finally ended. He would have gladly sat there with her forever. He couldn’t even recollect any moment in his and Leighanne’s relationship where they just sat and talked for hours. He had never done that with anybody before. He didn’t even think it was feasible, but with Leslie anything seemed possible. Anything.

His feelings of lust deepened, just as hers did, but now they were progressing forward. Harmless their day had been to the people around them, but scandalous it had been in their hearts because they cared for each other now. They cared for each other as friends of course, and they had definitely become closer friends because of this day, but they cared for each other in ways that only their significant others could boast about. These new feelings were frightening for the both of them because it only deepened their worries and made them feel even guiltier.

As they walked back, still small chatting and laughing with one another, they realized that they could eventually love one each other. Truly, deeply, love one another. And if they weren’t careful, that love was going to blossom out of their control.

You don’t know
What you do
Every time you walk into the room
I’m afraid to move
~It’s True by Ryan Cabrera

Brian opened his mouth and let his voice ring out, “I’ve been walking ‘round inside a haze, between the lines of reason, hiding from the ghost of yesterday, feels like I’m barely breathing...”

The rest of the boys joined in, though Brian’s voice was still prominent, “I, I want to feel the rain again, I, I want to feel the water on my skin, and let it all just wash away in the downpour, I want to feel the rain…”

The crowd’s screams were relentless and their energy was explosive, even when the song was a slower pace than the previous few songs. Brian was sweating from the bright lights shining down on him, from dancing and running across the stage. He welcomed this break.

He smiled into the microphone, unable to contain his happiness. He always felt incredibly liberated when he was on stage. Everything in his life that may be bothering him or holding him down immediately lifts off his shoulders as soon as he steps foot in front of all those thousands of adoring fans. It was his chance to be someone else for a few hours. Someone who was carefree and happy. Someone who seemed to have it all.

All four of them sat there on their stools, different colored spotlights shining down on them. Behind them up on the platform, the huge back screen shimmered of trickling water and four girls twirled in flowing dresses at its bottom.

Howie then began to sing alone, “I’ve been losing days, the shades pulled down, I still can’t face the sun…”

Nick’s voice took over, “But I, I’m going crazy, I can’t stay here, I’ve gone completely numb, I just wanna, need someone…”

All of them, Nick still standing out, “I, I want to feel the rain again, I, I want to feel the water on my skin, and let it all just wash away in the downpour, I want to feel the rain…”

The music then began to change into a different song, and the girls moved from the platform and down the stairs, one behind each of the boys. The guys all stood up, and the girls moved forward to move the stools away, but then began to move gracefully to the music when AJ opened his mouth to sing, “She keeps her secrets in her eyes, she wraps the truth inside her lies, just when I can’t say what’s she’s done to me, she comes to me, and leads me back to paradise. She’s so hard to hold, but I can’t let go…”

All of them, Nick’s voice more prominent than the others, “I’m a house of cards in a hurricane, a reckless ride in the pouring rain, she cuts me and the pain is all I want to feel, she’ll dance away just like a child, she drives me crazy, drives me wild, but I’m helpless when she smiles…”

Brian could feel Leslie behind him and he yearned to turn to her, to sing to her. It was a silly desire but he felt invincible up there in front of so many piercing eyes. Leighanne had left early that morning so he felt a heavy burden lift off his shoulders. The consequences that would result with Nick so near was the only thing holding him back from turning to Leslie and pulling her to him close.

As the boys spread out to interact with the crowd as they sang, Brian barely moved. The girls moved forward due to their choreography and he could see Leslie out of the corner of his eye.

He couldn’t help himself, so he turned slightly to be able to look at her, but acting as if he were just facing the crowd to the left of the stage. He glanced at her as he opened his mouth, “Maybe I’d fight it if I could. It hurts so bad but feels so good…”

He patted his heart, calm coming over him as Leslie’s eyes met with his. She looked a little startled at his direct and deliberate acknowledgment of her but continued dancing. With every twirl she took, her eyes immediately locked with Brian’s once again.

“She opens up just like a rose to me, when she’s close to me. Anything she’d ask me to I would…” Brian crooned. He had pushed as much emotion and fierceness in those last words as he possibly could, because he meant them. He would do anything for Leslie, she just had to say the word.

AJ, during his flirtations with the crowd, had turned to Brian as he sang and had noticed that his attention wasn’t on the fans. AJ stopped for a moment and looked to where Brian was singing. Only the people on stage could tell that Brian wasn’t exactly paying attention to his fans. From the crowd, it looked as if Brian was still singing to them.

AJ was taken aback when he saw that Leslie was the object of Brian’s attention. He saw the way she looked at him and equally noticed the fire in Brian’s eyes. He quickly turned to Nick and relaxed when he saw Nick interacting with the crowd, smiling.

AJ smoothly made his way across the stage and reached Brian when he had finished with his lyrics, “It’s out of control, but I can’t let go…”

AJ had noticed the intensity in how Brian sang his lyrics and his heart stopped in his chest. He put on a smile and quickly threw his arm around Brian’s shoulder, forcing him away from Leslie. Brian looked at AJ startled, but didn’t have time to really react as the chorus began once again, “She’s a house of cards in a hurricane, a reckless ride in the pouring rain, she cuts me and the pain is all I want to feel, she’ll dance away just like a child, she drives me crazy, drives me wild, but I’m helpless when she smiles…”

Fear washed over Brian when he saw the look in AJ’s eyes. It was a mixture of realization, confusion, and disbelief. AJ was always the guy who caught on before everyone else did. He tended to see things others didn’t, and he was now terrified that Nick had noticed his irresponsible actions. He quickly looked over at Nick but a wave of relief washed over him as he saw Nick engrossed in the song, paying absolutely no attention to where Brian and AJ stood, and giving no indication that he had seen what AJ had seen. He made a quick glance back at Leslie and found her looking over at Nick as well, worry etched over her face.

He felt terrible for slipping and putting Leslie in that position. He had been overcome by the exhilaration of being on stage that he hadn’t stopped to think. But as he looked back on it, he couldn’t help but have his heart swell with joy as he pictured the intensity in Leslie’s eyes.

For the rest of the concert, he made sure to stay away from Leslie as much as he could. When it was unavoidable through their dance routines, he tried not to make eye contact with her but to stay focused on the music and his fans.

~~~~~~~

Everyone had taken the same van back to the hotel that night. They were all exhausted so there wasn’t much conversation, but that was to be expected. That was how it normally was. But Brian couldn’t help but feel like he was the reason for Leslie and AJ’s quietness. Though that probably wasn’t the case, he couldn’t stop his guilt all the same.

AJ had kept an eye on Brian the rest of the concert and hadn’t seen anything out of the ordinary. Was he overreacting? Could he have just been caught up in the energy of the show and taken a friendly, harmless gesture as something more?

Brian had barely acknowledged AJ, let alone Leslie, so he was having mixed feelings on the subject. He probably was thinking too much into it, but looking back at the past months, he had consistently seen odd behavior between Brian and Leslie. Nothing too extreme to be really noticeable, but the collection of those memories seemed to tell a different story.

AJ looked from Brian sitting next to him to Leslie sitting in front of him, Nick’s arm protectively wrapped around her shoulders. He sighed, knowing that he really had nothing to go by. He just knew that something wasn’t right.

~~~~~~~

Brian had noticed Leslie pull back from the group as they entered the lobby to their hotel. There were fans frantically trying to get at them outside, but security held them back, allowing the group to pass by.

Brian noticed how Leslie kissed Nick, saying something to him. He had nodded and gone on with Howie, AJ, security, assistants, and the rest of their entourage. Brian acted as if he had forgotten his key, telling security that it was fine to go on ahead.

He made his way over to the desk, glancing over at Leslie as often as he could to see what she was doing. She had waited until the elevators had closed on Nick and everyone else before she turned and looked at him, walking down a hallway to the left of the elevators.

Brian quickly grabbed the room key he had no need for and followed after her, trying to not make it too obvious. He grew puzzled when he turned to enter the hallway, not seeing Leslie in sight. He read the doors and found them to be maintenance and entrances to the kitchens. He walked slowly, unsure of what to do.

A door suddenly opened and Leslie popped out, grabbing Brian by the hand and yanking him in behind her. She closed the door and turned to him. Brian was a bit taken aback to see anger on her face.

“Leslie-“

“What were you thinking?” she asked harshly.

Brian sighed, running his hands through his hair, “I’m sorry, I wasn’t.”

“You can’t do that Brian. You can’t-“, she stopped, choking up. Tears were coming to her eyes and she turned from him, wiping them away. Brian looked at her sadly, not expecting this to happen. He stepped forward, touching her softly. She pulled away, “Don’t.”

“Don’t what?” he asked desperately.

“Touch me,” she sniffled. Brian was hurt by her words and she saw this, “I didn’t mean to say it like that. It’s just that…”

She stopped and groaned. Brian looked at her puzzled, unsure of what to do, “Just what Leslie?”

She looked up at him sadly, a few tears trickling down her face, “Every time you touch me I feel like I lose control of everything.”

He sighed, feeling the same pain that she was displaying, “I can’t help it.”

“But you need to. You can’t just do whatever you want with a complete disregard for the consequences.”

“But why does there have to be consequences?” Brian asked, his voice rising. He was frustrated. Not with Leslie per say, but with the entire situation. The unfairness of it all was crashing down around him.

“Because what we have, these feelings and desires, are wrong,” she said quietly.

“Why are they wrong? How can they be? It’s not my fault that you came into my life. It’s not my fault that I developed feelings for you!”

“And it’s not my fault either! But the fact remains that this is happening. You can’t deny this!” she exclaimed. She softened her voice, “I’ve tried so hard, but it’s getting more difficult every day.”

“It’s just as hard for me Leslie. I don’t know how to handle this,” he said, moving towards her. She was pressed against the door, looking up at him. He looked into her eyes, “I’ve tried to do what we discussed, to stay away from you, but I can’t do it. I feel good when I’m around you. I know that this is wrong, but these feelings…”

He paused before he continued, watching as Leslie searched his face, “These feelings don’t feel wrong Leslie. My heart and my head are saying two completely different things. How can something that makes me feel so… whole, so complete, be so bad?”

Fresh tears welled up in her eyes and she made no move to get away from Brian. He was so close now. He could see the brown specks in her irises and the subtle glistening of her lips. All he had to do was lean down slightly and she would be his.

“Why can’t things be different?” he softly asked, reaching up and stroking her cheek.

She closed her eyes, taking in a shaky breath. She turned her cheek towards his hand, savoring how his fingertips felt against her skin, loving the shivers and goose bumps they sent over her. They stood there in silence, taking in how close they were to one another.

Leslie finally opened her eyes and looked up at Brian, thinking of Nick, “They aren’t though Brian. I know it’s not fair but…”

He was snapped out of his reverie at her words.

She stated with a bit of sharpness, “This is the way it is. We have to stop.”

She moved out from under him and opened the door. Brian stepped back and watched as she left, not looking back at him. He sighed heavily, clenching his jaw, hearing the door click shut. He felt hopeless and lost. He felt foolish.

They did need to stop. They were accelerating at an alarming speed towards a conclusion that only meant pain and heartache. But he couldn’t stop. She was becoming an addiction. Even though she had said those words with such finality, he knew that she couldn’t stop either.

He closed his eyes and breathed in, wishing that he could turn back time to the place where he had started doubting Leighanne. He wanted to go back and change how he had handled things. He should have done something from the beginning and not let his feelings progress as they have. Maybe if he had fixed things earlier he wouldn’t have fallen into this trap.

But deep down he knew that wasn’t true. Even if he was the happiest man alive with Leighanne, he knew that feelings would have erupted within him for Leslie anyway. She was just that type of woman. It was just under these circumstances that these feelings had intensified and exploded so quickly.

What was worse was that he was beginning to not to care about the consequences. The bottom line was that he wanted her, as selfish and foolish as that may be.

He wanted her.

There was no turning back now.

There’s something that I can’t quite explain,
I’m so in love with you…
~Calling You by Blue October

“Hey baby girl,” AJ greeted. Leslie looked up from her book and smiled, “Hey.”

He sat down next to her and asked, “Whatcha reading?”

She flipped the book over to show him, “Pride and Prejudice.”

He raised his eyebrows, “That’s intense.”

She laughed lightly, “It’s not, I promise.”

“Says you. I’m not much of a reader anyway,” he replied.

“That’s too bad. I love reading. It’s kind of like watching a movie, but it obviously takes longer. I like getting lost in a world that isn’t reality,” she explained.

“I can understand that. I just don’t have the patience for it unfortunately.”

“You are a bit antsy. Just like Nick,” she said.

AJ looked across the private airplane and saw Nick passed out over a couch, his mouth hanging open slightly. AJ laughed, “Thanks for comparing me to that.”

Leslie laughed, “He’s adorable.”

“Oh yeah, just so adorable,” AJ joked, rolling his eyes. Leslie continued giggling and AJ grinned at her, “So how have you been?”

“Good. Tired but good,” she responded. “I can’t imagine how you guys must feel. All I do is rehearse and do the show, but you guys are off doing interviews and photo-ops and lord knows what else.”

AJ nodded, “Yeah, but you get used to it after awhile. We’ve been doing it for over a decade so it’s kind of engrained in us now. Sure, we get tired, but it’s just another day you know?”

“Well, I admire all of you,” she said.

“Why thank you gorgeous,” he grinned.

She smiled at him again, “Why aren’t you sleeping?”

AJ looked around the dim lit cabin, the loud roar of the engine was the only sound that filled the cabin. It was black outside, the only lights coming from the flashing of the wings, and the specks from the cities below. He sighed, “Can’t. I have trouble sleeping sometimes.”

“Why’s that?”

He shrugged, “I’m just so wound up all the time. It’s hard to get to sleep when your mind is constantly running.”

“I know what you mean,” she agreed.

He looked at her, “Why aren’t you sleeping? Not like you need your beauty sleep or anything, but…”

Leslie laughed, “Always the charmer.”

“I can’t help it,” he said innocently. “But really, it’s 3 in the morning, why aren’t you snuggled up with the giant fly catcher over there?”

He motioned towards Nick and his gaping mouth and Leslie snorted from laughter. She covered her mouth, stifling her giggles. AJ chuckled, “Now that was unexpected.”

“Oh shut up McLean.”

He raised his hands up defensively, still laughing, “Hey, it’s hot when a girl snorts. It’s so… primal.”

“What?” she laughed. “AJ, I don’t know what to do with you sometimes.”

“I get that a lot,” he grinned.

“I bet.”

“So?” he asked, getting back on topic.

“Just like you, can’t sleep,” she replied, finally closing her book and setting it on the floor. AJ could tell there was more to it than that, and there definitely was. She had a lot on her mind, what with the tour and Nick, and especially Brian.

They hadn’t really talked much since the other night. Brian had been distant and Leslie sensed that he might be angry with her. She couldn’t blame him, but it was necessary to be so forceful with him. With them being around each other everyday for hours on end, they were beginning to let their guards down and it was dangerous.

Though it was necessary, she was upset about it. She missed him, as odd at that sounded. Though she still saw him constantly, they were forcing themselves to stay disconnected from one another, and it was just as if they weren’t near each other at all. It was silly for her to miss someone that was sitting only a few feet away from her.

It had only been a couple days, but she missed their talks and their jokes. She missed his smile and laughter in regards to something she would say or do. She missed the way he would look at her.

But either way, she knew this was a good start on getting over whatever it is they had.

“Anything bothering you?” he asked.

She looked over at him, “No, why?”

“Just seems like there’s more to you not being able to sleep than you’re letting on,” he replied.

“What makes you so sure?” she asked coyly.

“I know women, that’s why,” he stated.

She laughed lightly, “Well, excuse me.”

“I’m serious,” he laughed. “I’m not just saying it to say it. I do know women. I was raised around them. I know what their facial expressions mean; I notice the subtlety in every word. I know if you’re lying and if there’s something wrong. I know it all.”

“That’s a rare talent.”

“You’re telling me. It’s such a burden to bear,” he kidded.

She mocked sympathy, “Such a burden. I’m sorry you have to endure that.”

“Don't go worrying your pretty little head off about me. I'm here for you today, so what’s up?” he asked, trying to get an answer out of her.

“Nothing, I told you.”

He was unhappy with her answer and decided to push it more, “How are you and Nick?”

“Just fine,” she replied. And they were.

He nodded, “Good to hear. Good to hear.”

He paused for a moment, wondering if he should say what he was going to say next. He was hesitant about it because he was still unsure of what was going on and if he wasn’t just imagining things. He was hesitant because it really wasn’t his place to intervene.

“And Brian?” he finally let out quietly.

She looked over at him startled, “What?”

He was taken aback by her reaction and she had realized how dramatic she had responded. She tried to cover it up, clearing her throat, “I mean, what do you mean?”

“How are you and Brian?” he repeated, watching her closely.

She looked at him puzzled, “I don’t know what you mean.”

He shrugged, “You just seem close, that’s all.”

She was clearly uncomfortable and to him that was a telltale sign that he wasn’t just over thinking things.

“I guess so, but it’s only cause I’m around him all the time. Just like with you and Howie.”

He shook his head, smiling at her slyly, “Not like me and Howie.”

“I’m close with you,” she defended.

“I’m not saying you aren’t, but you’re different with Brian.”

“Are not.”

“Are too,” he pushed.

He wasn’t quite sure what he was trying to get out of this, but he couldn’t stop himself. Leslie was beginning to panic. Her heart raced inside her chest and she was becoming flushed. She thanked the dim lights, praying that they blocked AJ from noticing her nervous demeanor.

“What are you getting at?” she asked.

He shrugged, “I’m not getting at anything. You guys are just close, but you haven’t really been talking with one another the past couple of days.”

Leslie looked at AJ in astonishment. Had they really been that noticeable? If AJ had seen this, what if other people have as well?

Leslie looked to Nick’s sleeping body and her heart sank in her chest, “Really? I haven’t noticed.”

AJ realized then that he wasn’t going to get anything out of her. He didn’t know what he had expected. He didn’t believe that Leslie and Brian were doing anything adulterous. It was clear that Leslie adored Nick just as Nick adored her, and he knew Brian and Leigh were having problems, but last he heard they were doing better. He just believed that there was something more between them than they were letting off to everyone else.

Leslie suddenly changed the subject and AJ let her, not wanting to make her think that he knew more than she realized, “Why isn’t Rachel here?”

“Work,” he replied. “She couldn’t get time off to come.”

She nodded, “What does she do?”

“She works for a marketing firm in LA.”

Leslie looked at him impressed, “She’s smart then.”

“Oh yeah, smarter than I am,” he smiled.

“I doubt that,” she said. “I know I’ve only seen her a couple times, but you guys seem good together.”

“I think so too. She’s not clingy you know? She goes with the flow. She understands I need my alone time just as she does. And she trusts me. That’s something that’s huge.”

“Definitely,” Leslie agreed. “Trust is huge, especially when it comes to the entertainment industry. It’s easy to go astray.”

“It is, I agree. The girls I’ve dated in the past were always chill before anything was exclusive and then when things went to the next level, it was a like a switch flipped. They got jealous and just went a tad insane."

“I can understand that though. No girl wants to see other women up on their man,” Leslie said.

“No, you’re right. Just like I wouldn’t want to see men all over my girl either, but still. It comes with the territory of being in a boy band. But the point is, Rachel’s really relaxed about all that. And come to think of it, you are too.”

“I am?” she asked.

“Hell yeah. Nick’s a lucky man Leslie,” he winked.

She sighed, wondering why she kept being told this same thing over and over again. She hated hearing those words. They made her feel horrible. They made her feel fake.

All she could do was thank him. He smiled at her one last time before he grabbed her hand and kissed it, “Well beautiful, I’m gonna try and get to bed. You should too.”

Leslie smiled at him lightly, “I will.”

Leslie watched as AJ got up from beside her and walked towards the back of the plane, being sure not to wake up Brian and Howie on his trek. She turned and looked out the window, worry etched over her face. This situation was becoming more than she could handle.

~~~~~~~

Brian looked at Leslie from across the lobby of their hotel. She was sitting on one of the couches, her legs crossed, flipping through a magazine.

They had arrived in England only that morning, but after a long day of rehearsals, they were now getting ready to head back to the venue for the show that night. People were gathering in the lobby slowly.

He shifted unsteadily where he stood, his arms crossed over his chest. He had turned his baseball cap backwards and had just popped a piece of gum in his mouth. He chewed on it nervously as he stared at Leslie, debating if he should go talk to her.

He could see flashes of light outside. Each time the front doors opened, a wave of screams came through. The large size of the lobby made it hard to identify who was who, especially with the growing number of people associated with the tour gathering.

Brian looked around, spotting Howie over by one of the choreographer’s, Caitlin. He was deep in conversation, occasionally doing a few dance moves to see if they were right. AJ and Nick were still yet to be seen.

Brian moved then, approaching Leslie tentatively.

“Anyone sitting here?” he asked.

Leslie looked up, surprised to see him standing there. A small smile crossed her face, “Brad Pitt, but I’m sure he won’t mind.”

Brian couldn’t contain a smile from appearing on his face in response to hers, “Hopefully not.”

He sat next to her, keeping a space between them. He leaned forward, his arms resting on his knees. He looked over at her, catching her looking at him, “I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“For acting like a complete douche,” he stated.

She had been looking at him with a slight seriousness, but she couldn’t help but start to laugh lightly as his words, and as a result, he laughed too, “What?”

“A douche?”

“As in douche bag,” he continued. She continued to laugh.

“Well thanks for making me feel better,” he joked.

She leaned forward and hugged him lightly, “I’m sorry, I just wasn’t expecting that.”

Brian stiffened when she had touched him and she noticed. She immediately took her arms away, “Sorry.”

“No, I am,” he said softly.

They were quiet for a few moments and they both instinctively looked around them to see if anyone were watching them. Their paranoia was only heightened because of how nervous they felt. Brian turned to Leslie once more, “I miss talking with you.”

Leslie looked at him quickly, not expecting those words. She relaxed a little at his sincerity and his soft eyes, “I miss talking with you too.”

“I can’t not talk to you Leslie,” he said.

“I never asked you not to,” she replied.

He saw the truth in this and looked away, embarrassed. He had been acting a bigger fool than he once thought.

“No, I guess you didn't. I suppose it’s the only way I thought I could cope with this,” he said.

She leaned forward then, lowering her voice, “Brian, you’ve become one of my closest friends and I don’t want to lose that.”

“I don’t either.”

“So let’s just let it go. Act like it never happened,” she suggested. “Act like none of this has ever happened. We can start fresh.”

He nodded in agreement, “Okay.”

She smiled lightly at him, using this as an opportunity to change it to a friendly subject, “So, Mr. Littrell, how’s Leighanne?”

He sat back, trying not to make it seem like he didn’t want to talk about his fiancée, but glad they had changed the subject all the same, “She’s good. Talked to her when we got here this morning.”

“How’s her movie coming?” she asked, trying to be genuinely interested.

“She says good. They’re a bit behind schedule, but they’re making headway,” he answered.

The conversation was clearly awkward and forced, but that couldn’t be helped. Leslie tentatively decided to throw in a question that she was nervous to hear the answer, “Will she be coming back on tour?”

Brian looked over at her, hearing her tone change slightly, “Not anytime soon.”

Leslie was relieved. She liked having Brian to herself and not having to worry about Leighanne walking in and ruining their conversation. Of course, Nick always posed that threat, but he wasn’t as clingy as Leighanne was. He wasn’t as protective.

“Hey guys,” Nick’s voice rang out all of a sudden. Both Brian and Leslie looked over as Nick sat on the other side of Leslie. He leaned in and planted a kiss on Leslie’s lips, “What’s up?”

“Just waiting to head out,” Brian replied. Nick nodded, looking out the window to the flashing lights of cameras. The screams had intensified as he came into view. Security stood by the doors, blocking anyone from entering the lobby that weren’t guests.

Nick suddenly looked alarmed, patting his jean pockets as if he had forgotten something. He looked to Leslie, “Shit. Baby, did you bring-”

“Tylenol?” she finished for him. He nodded and she continued, grabbing her purse, “Of course.”

He sighed relieved, “What would I do without you?”

She took out the bottle and dumped three in her hand, handing it over it him. He grabbed her and pulled her to him close, kissing the top of her head.

Brian averted his gaze, uncomfortable with their display of affection. It never bothered him with anyone else, but the fact that it was Leslie and Nick was the problem. He hated seeing her with someone else, even if it was his best friend.

But it wasn’t just their loving display of affection, it was how comfortable they were with one another. They were to the point in their relationship where they were beginning to think ahead for the other person. They were at the point where they knew what their significant other was thinking even before they said it. The fact that she knew his choice of painkiller was Tylenol and the fact that she knew he took three pills instead of the recommended two was disheartening.

He felt incredibly stupid for taking a normal, insignificant situation and turning it into something more, but at that moment, he realized just how close Leslie and Nick were. He knew they were together because that was just blatantly obvious, but he had never stopped to really take in the fact that they truly cared for one another. He never stopped to see that through his and Leslie’s constant emotional battle, her and Nick were growing ever closer.

He hated how upset this made him. Deep down, though he was with Leighanne, he had some small glimpse of a world where he and Leslie could one day be together. Seeing them now, his fantasy was torn violently away from him, and he suddenly felt very alone.

If only he could see that he was slowly but surely taking over Leslie’s heart. Of course, that wouldn't matter in the long run. Fate had finally caught up with the two of them. They had tried hard to keep what they had as platonic as possible, but that stage in their lives had finally come to an end, for tomorrow was Sunday and an unsuspecting afternoon was in store.

(Author’s Note: In this chapter are two songs that will be played on a piano by Leslie. The first song is Opus 23 by Dustin O’Hallaron. It can be found off the Marie Antoinette soundtrack. The second is by Clint Mansell called Together We Will Live Forever, which can be found off The Fountain soundtrack. I urge you to download these songs and listen to them as you read because the scene later in this chapter was inspired by these two songs. And as a result, this entire story was inspired by the scene in which these two songs are played. Without hearing them, the effect I’m trying to get across would be diminished severely. So I hope you can listen to them! They’re beautiful songs. If not, I hope you enjoy it anyway! Happy Reading!

And WARNING: Strong Sexual Content is in this chapter. You have been warned.

Okay, on to the story…)




If I know what love is,
It is because of you.
~ by Herman Hesse

It was Sunday and a beautiful London day swept over its inhabitants. There was barely a cloud in the sky, which wasn’t normal for England weather, and it was warm. It wasn’t overwhelmingly hot, but the type of warm weather that when you step out of your home, you can’t help but stand there and close your eyes, savoring how good and therapeutic it felt as the sun shined down upon you. The leaves on the trees rustled lazily in the light breeze, radiating a deep green. The flowers were busily being taken advantage of by harvesting bees, but their beauty overpowered everything. It was nearly the last day of summer before everything would eventually wither away into a shadow of their former selves until the following spring, but it was still a day of beautiful possibilites.

It was a day that warmed your soul. It was a day of opportunity.

Brian sat by Nick in the dining room, finishing up his late breakfast. They had finally gotten a chance to sleep in and they all took full advantage of it. The extra rest put not only Brian, but everyone else in a better mood. That and the beautiful day outside only raised their spirits.

They didn’t have a show to do that night, but there were other things to be done.

“So who wants to do the radio interview today?” Johnny Wright’s assistant, Michelle, asked from across the table. The four of the boys looked at each other, not saying anything.

“Well come on, throw me a bone here,” she pleaded.

AJ sighed, setting down his cup of coffee, “Hell, I’ll do it. Not like I have anything else to do.”

Howie then added to the conversation, “Is it optional?”

Michelle laughed, “Everything is optional. It’s just good press, but you guys are here for over a week doing shows, so it’s not like it’s going to be the only interview. So, yes Howie, it’s optional.”

“Well, Leigh is flying in today and I was sort of hoping to go sight seeing,” he said.

Michelle nodded, “That’s fine. Brian, Nick?”

Nick finished chewing the piece of bread he had in his mouth, shrugging with indifference, “I’ll do it.”

Michelle then turned and looked at Brian, waiting for him to answer. Brian cleared his throat, “I was hoping to get some song writing done today…”

“Alright, AJ and Nick it is. We’ll leave here in a half hour okay? And Nick, please don’t go scampering off.”

“I don’t scamper,” he scowled.

“Yes you do, and then I always have to have someone go and get you. It’s like having a child for God’s sake.”

AJ laughed and Nick shot him a dirty look, quieting AJ quickly, though when AJ turned his head a huge grin spread across his face once more. Brian couldn’t help but chuckle, taking another sip of his orange juice.

Michelle got up and left the room, a couple of assistants quickly following her. The dining room was left to the hotel’s other customers, the boys, and their security.

Howie turned to Brian, “Got some good ideas brewing?”

“I do. I’ve had inspiration lately,” Brian smiled to himself. He’d been meaning to sit down and pick up his guitar and just get lost in another world. He loved the entire music making process, especially when it was just him in a room, his guitar, a pen, and some paper. He hadn’t done it in awhile and he missed it, but the problem was the lack of motivation. He’d been so busy and with his problems with Leighanne, he just didn’t feel like he had the emotional capability of making something worth writing. But then Leslie came into his life, and her smile and her eyes became his muse. These past couple of weeks have left him dying to get back to writing and now he finally had the chance.

“From what?” he asked.

AJ looked at Brian intently, waiting for Brian’s reply. He had yet to talk to Brian about Leslie, and he was beginning to think he didn’t need to.

“Can’t say really,” he answered.

“Well, awesome. Can’t wait to see the new stuff,” Howie smiled.

Brian grinned goofily, “It’ll be the work of pure genius.”

Nick gagged and Brian reached over and slapped the back of his head.

“Son of a-“, Nick exclaimed, rubbing his head and turning to Brian, “What the hell was that for?”

“For being born,” Brian stuck his tongue out.

Nick retorted, “Your mom’s face was born!”

Howie and Brian laughed. Brian joked, “You couldn’t come up with anything better than that?”

AJ rolled his eyes, “I feel like Kevin for saying this, but we’re grown men and still act like a pack of young teenagers.”

“What’s wrong with that?” Brian asked, raising his eyebrows.

Nick turned to AJ, “Yeah, what’s wrong with that?”

AJ raised his hands, “I guess nothing, according to the resounding consensus.”

“Damn straight,” Nick said, snatching up AJ’s muffin and taking a bite out of it.

AJ reached over and smacked the back of Nick’s head, “I was gonna eat that!”

Nick groaned, holding his head, setting down the muffin. He tried to chew what he had in his mouth, “Bloody hell! Alright! I’m setting down some ground rules. Nick can only be slapped once during meal times.”

Brian laughed, clapping a hand on Nick’s back, “We don’t follow no stinkin’ rules.”

AJ laughed evilly and Nick smiled, “Neither do I, and I know where all of you sleep.”

“Is that a threat Carter?” AJ asked.

“You’re damn well right it is!”

AJ reached over and grabbed Nick, yanking him over to his seat, his head crooked in AJ’s arm. AJ started to drill his fist into Nick’s head and Nick exclaimed in protest, “The hair! Watch the hair!”

AJ laughed heartily and let go. Nick’s hands immediately found their way to his head, trying to fix his now crazed hair, “So immature.”

“I’m immature?” AJ asked in surprise, pointing to himself.

“You heard me,” he shot back.

“You forget who you’re dealing with little dude,” AJ retorted.

Brian sat back and watched AJ and Nick banter. It was always amusing to be around all the guys. He liked being able to see them everyday. It always brought him back to a time when they were just starting out and getting to know each other. Things seemed much easier back then, in all aspects of life, but when things got hard, he had these men to back him up and be there for him. Unfortunately, he was at a point in his life where he couldn’t turn to any of them, for the problem that surrounded him involved every one of them. For the first time in his life, he had no one.

~~~~~~~

Brian walked down the hallway towards his room. He sighed, wondering why Leslie hadn’t come down to eat earlier. He had looked forward to it. In fact, he always looked forward to seeing her. When he opened his eyes in the morning, what motivated him to get up and face the day was knowing that he would be able to see and talk with her. He had been especially excited to see her that day because he wanted to show her some lyrics he’d be working on. He valued her opinion and thought that maybe she’d be willing to work with him.

He was nearly to his door when he slowed his pace, hearing the sound of light music filling the hall. He stopped and listened more intently, a little confused at the unexpectedness of it. The entire floor was rented out for the boys and their entourage, and as far as he knew, no one that knew how to play a piano was up here, for everyone was out busy doing various activities. And so, out of curiosity, he moved towards the source of the sound. He knew immediately that it wasn’t music coming from the radio or a CD because it was purer than that. Someone was playing a piano.

He approached a door that was slightly open and looked up at the number, recognizing the room as both Nick and Leslie’s. He pushed open the door quietly and walked in, silently shutting it behind him. He stepped forward and noticed that the balcony doors were open, the sunlight illuminating the room completely. The white drapes danced in the light breeze.

The music was louder in here, as was expected. What he didn’t expect was Leslie sitting in front of the piano in the living room. She faced away from him, showing no sign that she had heard him enter. Her blonde locks were in messy waves, her highlights shining more brightly than usual. Her bronze skin looked soft underneath the babydoll dress she wore, decorated with light blue flowers. Her hands glided across the piano flawlessly and with purpose, and yet she looked so serene and calm.

He quietly and slowly moved against the wall to get a better view of her. She still had not noticed him and he didn’t care. He leaned back against the wall, his arms crossed over his chest, watching her play. He was in utter astonishment at her talent. He had no idea that she could play the piano and was blown away at how expertly she did it. The music was incredibly beautiful and all he could do was stand there and take it in. He hadn’t even noticed the small smile that formed on his face.

Her fingers slowly came to a stop and Brian finally spoke up, though softly, “That was beautiful.”

Leslie quickly looked over at him, surprised to see him standing there, “I didn’t hear you come in.”

“The door was open,” he replied, moving towards the piano.

She didn’t move, but just sat on the bench, looking up at him, “Room service must have not closed it all the way.”

Silence enveloped them then, and Brian had to tear his eyes away from Leslie. She looked more beautiful today than usual. His stomach was in knots. He didn’t know it, but Leslie’s was too. Her heart had stopped in her chest when he had spoken, not only because she wasn’t expecting it, but because it was Brian. Just being near him caused her to lose control of her body and emotions. As she looked at him, she noticed how handsome he looked. As he tried to avoid staring, she couldn’t help but do just that.

“Where’s Nick?” she finally asked, trying to break the silence.

“He and AJ went to do an interview,” he explained. She nodded, not saying anything in return.

Brian sat next to her on the bench, lightly touching the piano keys with his fingertips. He could see Leslie out of the corner of his eye and breathed in, enjoying the scent of the perfume he had become so familiar with. He softly continued, “You never told me you could play the piano.”

She smiled warmly at him, her glossed lips brightening her smile. She replied with the same soft tone, “You never asked.”

“No, I guess I never have,” he said. “It was beautiful.”

“Thank you,” she replied.

“Did you write it?”

She shook her head, “No, I’m not that talented.”

“Have you ever written anything?”

“A few things, but I’ve never shown anyone before,” she said.

“Will you play something for me?” he asked softly.

She looked at him, her heart beating rapidly in her chest. His bright blues eyes bore into hers with such care and softness.

She hadn’t played the piano in years, but when they checked into the hotel and she had found the piano sitting in the corner, she couldn’t help but see if she could still recollect how to play. She was astonished to find that when her fingers touched the keys, all memory washed over her. It was like she had never stopped. As a girl, along with her dance lessons, her mom had encouraged her to learn the piano, dragging her to a tutor after dance. She played for over 12 years, but when she moved to LA and started getting gigs, she never had the time for it anymore, as much as she loved it.

It had been forever and a day since she had played in front of anyone and she had never played anything that she herself wrote. She would have been embarrassed under other circumstances, but with Brian sitting there beside her, she felt like nothing could go wrong. The comfort she felt was like none other she had experienced before. She felt like she could show all sides of her to him.

“Okay,” she finally said, smiling at him. He returned the smile, watching as she turned back to the keys. She had closed her eyes, thinking of which song she wanted to play for him, trying to picture the notes visually. She licked her lips and slowly opened her eyes, leaning forward slightly. She raised her hands and rested them gently on top of the keys, lightly pressing down on them as she began to play.

When the first notes hit his ears, he was blown away. He watched as she played, feeling a special calm wash over him. The notes were so incredibly pure and so innocent. As silly as it sounded, they touched his heart. He closed his eyes for a moment, focusing on the notes swirling about him. They told a story. A beautiful, yet incredibly sad story, and he wasn’t shocked when he opened his eyes to see his vision blurred from tears.

Her fingers slid across the keys with such precision and care, and her facial features and her overall demeanor showed complete relaxation. Brian was in the same state. There was no way he couldn’t have been. The song she played flowed beautifully from one note to the next with such softness to them. It wasn’t overpowering, but it still overwhelmed his senses.

When the song reached its climax, goose bumps spread over him, but all he could do was stare at her, not blinking and not moving. He was transfixed. He took in a shaky breath, completely taken by the woman sitting next to him. She was more than he had ever imagined that she would end up being. He learned something so new and exciting everyday he was around her. She was more accomplished than any woman he had ever met, and the talent and love she had within her was inspiring. The lack of passion and vivacity in his life was shown all too clear to him then as her beauty and her sad song melded into him. He realized that she was what he was missing. He needed her, and she needed him just as much. She was his way of escaping a world that had somehow turned on him.

When the song finally ended, his heart sank in his chest. He yearned for it to continue on. He felt his heart ache when the last note faded into silence.

He sat there, overwhelmed with emotions and complete astonishment at what he had just heard and realized within himself. She took her hands slowly off the keys and rested them in her lap. She licked her lips and turned her head slightly to look at him for his reaction. He had been incredibly quiet throughout it all and he hadn’t moved an inch, something that she wasn’t accustomed to.

When she locked eyes with his, she was suddenly keenly aware of her heart pounding in her chest. She noticed his watery eyes and felt her entire body give way, melting right before him.

“You’re crying,” she said softly.

He shook his head, “Almost.”

She bit her lip and looked down, wondering how to take his reaction. She had never moved someone nearly to tears before in anything that she did. She didn’t know if she should take it as a compliment or not.

“Leslie,” Brian breathed out, his voice shaking. She looked up at him, surprised at the intensity and sadness in his eyes. “That was…”

“Bad? I know,” she said quietly, turning her head.

He raised his hand and gently turned her cheek so she was looking at him once more. He shook his head, “It was incredible.”

She stared at him in shock for a moment, “I wouldn’t say-“

“Leslie, there aren’t even words to describe what I just heard. You… I… I had no idea that you could play like that, and the fact that you wrote it… I’m just… I’m at a lost of words,” he shakily let out, looking at her with so much admiration.

She blushed slightly, looking down at her hands, “I didn’t expect you to say that.”

Brian reached over and grabbed her hand, gently squeezing it. She looked up at him once more, feeling her heart skip a beat at his piercing gaze.

He softly spoke, “I’ve never met anyone like you before.”

“And I you,” she replied, her nerves beginning to overcome her.

This moment was the most intimate that had ever come to pass between them, without much physical interaction. The tension in the room was stifling and yet desired so much. She had never felt such intensity from someone by just being near them.

“If there was a stronger, more deserving word than beautiful, I would use it, but I don’t think such a word exists. But whatever that word is describes that song…”

Leslie blushed once more, flattered at his words and not knowing how to respond to them.

“And it describes you,” he quietly added.

She stopped, not expecting what he said. She opened her mouth to speak faintly, “Brian…”

Brian leaned in then, his lips tenderly pressing against hers. She stiffened momentarily, involuntarily wanting to push him back, but she relaxed as the softness and delicateness of his lips pierced through her. She found herself leaning into him, kissing him back. Their mouths opened then, as did another world they had yet to explore. Brian deepened the kiss, raising his right hand to cup her face, his fingers lacing through her soft hair.

Their lips felt liberated as their mouths and tongues intermingled with one another. Leslie found herself grow weak, where Brian felt stronger and more secure and comfortable than he ever had before. He felt remarkably alive.

The kiss started out slow and deliberate, but slowly became more passionate, the locked up feelings and tension built up from these past months finally releasing a torrent of hunger and pleasure. Leslie raised her hands and wrapped them around Brian’s neck, pulling herself to him as close as she could. He instinctively slid his hands around her waist, exploring his new found devotion.

She ran her hands through his curls, never parting her lips from his. She loved how gentle and caring his hands felt against her, but what she loved even more was how in just this one kiss, she had experienced a joy never before touched.

Silence enveloped the two figures on the bench as they got lost in each other’s touches, until Leslie pulled back, breathing heavier than usual, putting her hand to her mouth. Brian looked at her, licking his lips, and breathing just as heavy, astounded at what had just came to pass.

“Brian,” she shook her head, looking over at him sadly. She slid off the bench, standing up next to the piano. She fiddled with the hem of her dress, avoiding eye contact, unsure of what to do with herself. “We can’t-“

“Don’t,” Brian interrupted, sliding across the bench and standing up quickly, coming face to face with her. She made no move to step back but instead allowed him to pull her to him close, once again pressing his lips to hers. Though against her better judgment, she deepened the kiss, her hands roaming over his body. Her body relaxed into him, letting his strong arms hold her. He squeezed her gently, spinning her slowly so her back faced the front of the piano. He stepped forward, never parting from her lips and never weakening in holding her. He kicked at the bench and it screeched across the marble floor, giving him access to the piano. He pressed her up against the keys, and she instinctively pressed her hands on the surface of the piano to steady herself.

He bent down and cupped her bottom, raising her slightly and moving forward so she was slightly sitting on top of the keys, his body standing in between her spread legs. The piano banged loudly, the scattered notes filling the room. They both smiled against each other’s lips, and Leslie let out a giggle before getting lost in Brian’s mouth once again.

Brian raised his hand and fiddled with the strap of her dress, intertwining it between his fingers, running his fingertips delicately over her skin. He gently pushed the strap down her shoulder, exposing it completely, while simultaneously finding the zipper on her back, pulling it downward. He pulled away from her lips and kissed down her cheek to her neck, and from her neck to her shoulder, while pushing her dress further down her arm, exposing one of her breasts. She cocked her head back, closing her eyes as his lips and tongue made their trek over her skin and as his hand grazed her nipple, massaging her breast gently. She pulled him ever closer to her, moaning slightly.

As he kissed her neck and her exposed shoulder, his right hand made its way down her body and to her leg that rested against his side. He pushed her dress up her leg, exposing her thigh. He ran his fingers over her soft, supple skin, before moving his fingers upwards. When he felt the lacey fabric of her panties, he stopped and grabbed them, pulling them away from her skin and down her legs. He stepped back, allowing them to be pulled up and around her Candie’s high heels and discarded carelessly on the floor, before stepping forward once more, letting her legs close around him again.

He had noticed the small smirk on her face as he did this and it only encouraged him more. He found her lips again, softly moving them against hers. They were both growing frantic, the urges within them taking over their will and reason.

Her hands slid down his shirt and he quickly took a moment to shed it from his body. She took a few moments to run her hands over his well toned chest and muscular back before fiddling with the front of his jeans. He aided her and pushed forward, hiking up her dress impatiently.

Her hands slid into his boxer briefs and he gasped as her hand found and grabbed the one spot on his body that was throbbing painfully. He pulled back and looked at her as she touched him. She bit her lip and looked into his eyes, smiling slyly. He smiled back at her, breathing heavily. He leaned in delicately, kissing her lightly, slowing down his frantic pace. When he had stopped to look at her, he had realized just how special this was. He wanted to enjoy it for as long as possible and it was obvious she did too, because she slowly wrapped her arms around his neck and gently pulled him to her, never parting.

They stayed this way, kissing one another, enjoying how each other felt, for as long as they both could stand. He eventually reached down his right hand and positioned himself, guiding himself up into her. She gasped loudly, her fingers suddenly digging into his back. Brian closed his eyes, overwhelmed by how warm and tight she felt around him. They both had stopped moving completely.

Brian breathed out, allowing time for Leslie to adjust to him. She glanced at him, her chest rising and falling deeply. She leaned in and kissed him again, and he used that as a sign to continue. He grabbed her legs and moved them a little higher up his sides. She held them there as he slid his hands around her back, steadying her, and thrust up into her again. They both moaned, though Leslie had done so more loudly.

They had spent hours upon hours fantasizing about this very moment, but neither one of them had expected it to feel like it did. They felt like they were the only two people in the entire world. Everything that they knew and worried about flew out the window. It was just them, right now, in each other’s arms, getting lost in one another’s pleasure.

Leslie clung to Brian as he thrust again, burying her head into his shoulder. He continued his strong and deliberate thrusts, both their moans filling the silent and empty room around them. The sun had risen higher now and had moved across the room, falling over their intertwined bodies. It warmed their already heated figures.

Brian kept at this speed, savoring how good she made him feel and letting her get as much out of it as he was. With each thrust he took, the deeper their moans became and the tighter they held onto each other.

Brian began to quicken his pace, thrusting harder into her. She yelled out in pleasure, cocking her head back towards the ceiling, “Oh God…”

“Leslie,” Brian groaned, her velvety walls causing an overflow of emotions to erupt within him. With each thrust, the piano keys banged loudly, different notes twanging, filling the room. She leaned back, her body succumbing to the mounting pleasure within her, unable to hold herself up anymore. Her high heels had one by one fallen from her feet and clacked to the ground with each thrust Brian performed, her toes curling in ecstasy. Brian leaned forward, never altering in his movements.

“Leslie,” he grunted, speaking in between breaths, “You feel…” He moaned deeply and loudly, her own moans filling his ears, “So good.”

Her fingertips dragged against his back, and with that and her continued deep moans resonating across the room, his excitement heightened to a new peak. He grabbed her and picked her up, moving away from the piano and towards the king sized bed placed behind them up on a landing. She clung to him, tightening her legs around his midsection. He quickly laid her down, shedding his jeans and boxers in the process. She used the opportunity to slide the dress off her body, throwing it to the side. He stood at the edge of the bed, staring down at her naked form, his heart swelling at the sight of her. She was utter perfection.

He crawled up on the bed and over her, her legs wrapping around him once more. He entered her again, and she called out, closing her eyes. He kissed her lips, and then her eyelids before continuing on.

“Faster,” she breathed out. Without a second thought, he did just as she asked. Brian glided in and out of her, their moans once again filling the room.

“Brian,” she called out. “Oh, Brian!”

He continued to increase his pace, breathing harder by the second. Sweat glistened both their bodies and the bed creaked with each hard thrust.

He kissed her as often as he could in between his moans, trying his hardest to hold on as long as he could. He melted into her, not wanting this moment to ever end. He had waited and had dreamed of this very instance, and now that it had come, he was overcome with pure glee.

Their bodies moved in sync with one another. They were growing louder by the second and Brian transferred all the energy he could muster into her, pushing her to the brink of pure ecstasy. She had already climaxed, but he continued on, her pleasure mounting all over again. She couldn’t control herself. The noises erupting from her were involuntary, direct results of how good and perfect Brian felt within her and how quickly and smooth he glided in and out of her. He ravished her, knowing where to touch and kiss her as if they had been lovers for years.

Brian felt her walls tighten around him once more and she moaned loudly, clinging tightly to him. She yelled out and he thrust himself into her twice more before he stopped, emptying all his pent up devotion, admiration, and desire into her, letting her warmth envelop him. He collapsed on top of her, their chests heaving. She rested her hands in his hair, trying to catch her breath, shaking slightly.

They laid there that way for what seemed like hours, her legs still gently wrapped around him, though now relaxed and free of all tension. Their breathing steadied and he finally rolled off of her, looking up at the ceiling. They lied there for a few moments, not saying anything, the only sounds piercing the quietness of the room were their deep breaths.

She suddenly sat up, looking back at him. He stared back, seeing realization in her eyes of what they had just done.

He sat up, resting his hand on her lower back, leaning in and kissing her shoulder. She looked away, tears coming to her eyes.

“Leslie…” Brian said, rubbing her back. “Please don’t.”

“Don’t what? Cry?” she asked, turning to him once more, tears brimming.

“I’m sorry,” he apologized quietly.

She turned to him, her heart aching at his sincerity. She raised her hand to touch his cheek, “Don’t be. I was as much a part of it as you were.”

He leaned in and gently kissed her once more. She kissed back, but then pulled away, stopping it before it went further once more, speaking the one name he dreaded, “Nick.”

Brian stopped, his heart sinking in his chest at that word. He looked down, “I know.”

She quickly moved forward, pressing her lips to his. He could taste the saltiness from her tears. She pulled back, “I want you, but I can’t have you. We can’t do this.”

She slid off the bed, quickly grabbing her dress to somewhat shield herself.

“Leslie, wait,” he called out sadly, watching as she made her way to the bathroom.

She turned, her hair flipping over her shoulder, cascading down her back. She looked so incredibly beautiful, and he had to remind himself to take a breath. She was like a dream.

Their passionate and long awaited moment had fleeted and her bare standing figure by the door cemented this fact. Her eyes carried so much sadness and longing in them.

“You have to go,” she said, tears still falling from her eyes silently.

She went into the bathroom then and closed the door. Brian sat there on the bed, his head falling into his hands. It took all the energy he had left in him not to cry.

He slid off the bed and began to gather his things, slipping on his clothes as he found them. He looked at the piano, his heart aching in his chest, hearing the faint remnants of their love making, their intermingled moans echoing in his ears.

As he made his way to the front door, he turned and looked at the bathroom. He stepped forward, pressing his forehead against the wood of the door. He closed his eyes, relishing how cool it felt against his skin. He raised his hands and flattened his palms against the door, wanting so much to touch the girl on the other side.

“I want you too Leslie,” he said softly. He hesitated before his next sentence, “I know this was unexpected, but it felt right didn’t it?”

Leslie was sitting on the other side of the door, her legs hugged to herself. She rested her head on her knees, closing her eyes at the sound of Brian’s voice. She couldn’t bring herself to respond, though if she had, she would have agreed with him. It did feel right.

“I can’t say that this wasn’t a one time thing, and I don’t want it to be,” his muffled voice came through. She rolled her head up, resting it back against the door. She looked up at the ceiling, swallowing hard, a few tears still escaping.

“I’ve never gotten lost in someone like I did you. I felt whole Leslie and I think you did too. I think there’s something here, as crazy as that sounds. Something more than just a stupid crush. You made me feel so alive just now… just being with you…”

He heard no response and looked down at the floor, his hands still touching the door, “I know we tried to avoid this, but it happened. And I’m glad, as horrible as that sounds. You showed me what I’ve been missing; passion and life. I escaped everything this chaotic world brings by making love to you. By kissing your sweet lips…”

He paused and Leslie’s heart skipped as he continued, hearing the truth in his words, “And I think you did too.”

Brian sighed when she wasn’t responding. He licked his lips, moving away from the door slightly.

“I’m just saying that this doesn’t have to be the end,” he said quietly. “So if you decide that you’re not willing to let go of this, I’ll be here, waiting.”

He hesitated, waiting to see if she would answer. When he heard nothing, he turned and walked out the door, quietly shutting it behind him.

She heard the door click shut and she buried her head in her hands, crying. What had she done? She had just done something so wrong and so incredibly selfish, but yet she felt like she was on top of the world. She had never felt anything like she did when she was with Brian. She didn’t even know those types of feelings existed. They were the type that you only heard in fairytales and love stories, but never truly believed in. As much as she hated to admit it, she felt more alive with Brian than she ever had before.

But then there was Nick. A loving and good man, who adored her. She couldn’t leave him, not now. She cared for him still, and besides, Brian was with Leighanne. He was getting married to Leighanne.

An already complicated situation just got worse, so what was supposed to come out of it?

Hurt? Pain? Anger? Betrayal? Maybe even love?

Leslie closed her eyes, her lips still tingling from his, her body still warm from their erotic embrace. She could still feel him, loving how safe and comfortable it felt. She sat there, flashes of their heated bodies appearing before her eyes, and with that she sat, thinking of Brian’s offer, and wondering what her decision would be.

So lay down beside me
Love me and hide me
Kiss all the hurtin'
Of this world away
Hold me so close
That I feel your heart beat
And don't ever wander away
~Lay Down Beside Me by Alison Krauss

Nick was whistling, humming the music blasting in his ears from his iPod. He opened his hotel door and walked through, bobbing his head. He entered the room and noticed the balcony doors open, the curtains billowing in the breeze. He stopped in his tracks, ignoring the music, glancing at the piano bench that had been haphazardly pushed aside from the piano. He noticed Leslie’s high heels lying disorganized on the floor beneath the keys. He furrowed his eyebrows in confusion.

He walked further into the room and the bed came into view, the sheets slightly abused, scrunched up as if someone had a rough dream, thrashing about on them. Leslie sat at the foot of the bed, a silk robe tightly covering her, her hair wet and falling free. She was staring out the balcony doors in a daze, unblinking, a brush held in her hands.

Nick took his ear buds out, quickly turning his iPod off, glancing at Leslie puzzled.

“You okay baby?” Nick asked tentatively.

Leslie jumped, torn out of her thoughts. Nick jumped too, not expecting her reaction. Leslie let out a laugh, “I didn’t hear you come in.”

“Apparently,” Nick smiled, approaching her. He leaned in and gently brushed his lips against hers. He felt her stiffen and he pulled back. He licked his lips, staring down at her, “What’s wrong?”

“What?” she asked quickly.

“Why are you so jumpy?” he laughed lightly, sitting down and rubbing her back. He turned his attention to the piano, “And what happened over there?”

“Over where?”

He pointed, “The piano. Did you get in a fight with the bench?”

Leslie smiled at his teasing manner, relaxing a little bit. He continued, “Cause by the looks of it, you won.”

She rolled her eyes, laughing, “Oh stop it Nicky.”

He smiled at her, “So everything’s okay?”

“Everything’s fine,” she said, kissing him.

She glanced at the bed, noticing the untidiness of it. She secretly kicked herself, wondering why she hadn’t fixed the room to how it was before Nick had left. She had taken such a long shower, unable to get Brian out of her head and she had lost track of time, not thinking of when Nick would be back.

“How was your interview?” she asked.

Nick leaned in and kissed her quickly once more before he got up, tossing his iPod on the bed. “It was fine. Same ol’ stuff. I swear, if I have to answer that damn question about why Kevin’s not in the group one more time, I might just kill someone.”

Leslie watched as Nick peeled off his shirt, tossing it to the side as he bent down to shuffle through his suitcase. She glanced at him, freely taking in his tattooed skin. She couldn't help but smile to herself.

She got up from the bed and approached him, bending down and lightly kissing his shoulder. Her guilt had intensified when Nick had entered the room.

“Just go along with it. Don’t even think twice about it. Just answer the questions with a smile and move on from it,” she soothed.

Nick stood up with his shaving kit, turning to her. He looked down at her, “I know, and I do. It just gets annoying answering the same questions all the time. You’d think they’d research this shit before hand or see it from other interviews.”

“You’d think but people aren’t as smart as you Nicky,” Leslie said.

He laughed, kissing her again, “Damn straight they aren’t.”

Leslie glanced down at his kit and then up at him, raising her hands and rubbing the stubble on his cheeks that were peeking through, “It’s about time mister.”

“For what?” he grinned. “Don’t like kissing a scruffy guy?”

She scrunched her nose, “It hurts!”

He teasingly grabbed her, kissing her dramatically, making sure to rub his skin against hers. She screeched, trying to push him away.

He laughed good heartedly, “I’m sorry baby, couldn’t help it.”

She stuck her tongue out at him and followed him to the bathroom, watching as he set up. He glanced at her through the mirror, “What’s so fascinating about this?”

“Well, nothing. I can’t just stand here and look at my boyfriend? You’ve been gone all day,” she reasoned.

He looked at her oddly, “Honey, you’re acting weird.”

“Am not!”

“Are too!” he teased, rubbing shaving cream on his face.

“I just missed you today, that’s all,” she said. Which was partly true. She missed him, to a degree. The truth was she felt horrible, and her way of trying to make this better within herself was to be attentive to him as a way to try and forget what had happened.

“I missed you too,” he winked. He turned to her and gently slid his hands around her waist, lowering his voice slightly, “Want to take a shower with me?”

She laughed a bit nervously, knowing full well what his intentions were. She pushed him away lightly, “Quite the romantic aren’t you?”

“What?” he asked, smiling.

“Try asking me when you don’t have all that gunk on your face.”

“What, this?” he asked, swiping at his face, getting cream over his fingers.

She nodded, “And if I didn’t know any better, I’d think you were blind. I already took a shower you dork.”

Leslie screamed when Nick reached forward, spreading shaving cream over her face. He laughed, backing away as she swatted at him, screaming, “Nick, stop!”

“Oh dear, now you’re all messy again. And oh! Lookie here, I’m about to take a shower, so lets help save the earth and take one together,” he grinned.

She grabbed a towel, wiping the cream away from her face. She slapped him with the towel, laughing, “Nice try but I’ll pass.”

He grabbed his heart, watching as she turned to leave the bathroom, “Ouch, that hurts. I’ll get you later baby, don’t worry.”

“Uh-huh,” she said. She grabbed her make-up bag and travel mirror, sitting on the bed. She started applying her make-up when Nick spoke up, “Oh, baby?”

“Yeah?” she called back.

“Ran into Brian in the hall,” he stated.

Leslie froze, her heart jumping in her throat. She cleared her throat, feeling her cheeks flush, “Oh yeah?”

“I guess he wrote a song today,” he said conversationally.

She tentatively went back to applying her make-up, relieved that Nick showed no suspicions, “That’s great!”

“But anyway, looks like we’re all going out to dinner tonight, is that okay?”

“That’s fine,” she replied, biting her lip. She looked up, glancing across the room at the piano across the way. She closed her eyes, hearing echoes of banging notes, Brian's moans sending shivers over her body. She shook her head, trying, but failing, to focus.

~~~~~~~

Brian set his guitar to the side, glancing down at his notebook filled with lyrics and notes. He grabbed the pencil hanging out of his mouth and tossed it across the couch, where balled up pieces of paper laid discarded. He smiled, satisfied with how productive he had been. He had written it for Leslie, for when he had left her room, the moment he stepped into his, the lyrics jumped immediately to his head. She had been more of an inspiration than he realized.

He glanced at his cell as it began to vibrate across the table. He reached over, flipping it open and bringing it to his ear, “Hello?”

“Babyduck, it’s me,” an all too familiar voice chimed in.

Brian relaxed at the sound of the voice that had raised him, “Mom, hey, how are you?”

“I’m just fine darling, but how are you? How’s the tour? I haven’t heard from you in weeks. I was getting worried.”

“I know, I know, I’m sorry. I’ve just been busy. I’ve been meaning to call you for so long,” he replied.

“I figured, but how are things?” she asked lovingly.

Brian sighed, “As good as they can be.”

“Are you getting enough sleep? Are you eating well?”

Brian smiled at her concerned tone, feeling comforted at her soothing voice. She would always be the concerned parent, no matter how old he became, “Yes, mom, sleeping just fine and eating all the right things.”

“Good,” she responded, a hint of relief in her tone. “And the tour?”

“It’s going great mom, really. There’s no need to worry.”

“I know,” she replied. “I can’t help it though. I haven’t seen you in so long.”

“Christmas will be here before you know it.”

“That’s three months away! You can’t get any time off before then?”

Brian laughed, “Mom, it’s not like I can just call in for a few days off. I’m not working at Home Depot or anything.”

She sighed, laughing lightly herself, “I’m sorry, I guess I’m just a bit tense.”

“But why?”

“Well, now that you mention it, I talked to Leighanne,” she stated.

Brian had grabbed a bottle of water and had taken a swig, but slightly choked, coughing uncontrollably. This had been her real motive for calling him and she had waited for the right moment to slip it in.

“Brian, are you alright?”

Brian let out a few more coughs, responding, “I’m fine. What did you guys talk about?”

“Various things,” she paused. There was silence until she began again, slightly more quieter, “Why didn’t you call me?”

Brian groaned, rubbing his forehead roughly, “Because I was afraid to get the tone I’m getting now.”

“What tone?” she asked, confused. “Sweetheart, you can tell me anything. If you and Leighanne are having problems, I’m here to help.”

Brian sighed heavily, “What right has she to call you?”

She sounded shocked at this, “Brian Thomas Littrell! She’s your fiancée! She has every right in the world!”

Brian quickly tried to appease his mother, tightly closing his eyes, “You’re right, I’m sorry.”

“What’s gotten into you?” she asked. Brian clenched his jaw, his growing anger shifting towards the surface. He had wanted to tell his mother on his own time. He hadn’t expected Leighanne to run off and gab everything, but he had been foolish to think otherwise.

“What has she told you?” he asked.

“That you guys have stopped planning because you’re feeling overwhelmed,” she replied. “Honey, why would you do that?”

“Mom, it’s complicated,” he grumbled.

“I’m your mother, how complicated can it be for me to not understand you?”

“I just feel so out of control of everything. She was obsessed with the wedding. I felt like I didn’t even matter anymore.”

“Of course she was obsessed, it’s her wedding,” she scolded.

“You don’t understand mom!” he groaned, frustrated.

“Maybe I don’t, but I know that you love her, you have since the day you met her, and you’re pushing her away.”

“I’m not pushing her away,” Brian said.

“She started crying on the phone with me Brian. You’re pushing her away.”

“The wedding is still on mom," he said, trying to get this conversation to stop. He flinched at her unyielding voice.

“That’s beside the point. I don’t know what’s going on with you, but these actions are so unlike you. If you’re having problems, you try and work them out. She’s going to be your wife. You can’t start off on this footing or your marriage is going to struggle.”

“I know,” he sighed.

“Gosh honey, the invitations have already been sent out,” she said quietly.

Brian balled up his fist, pounding his knee, trying not to yell. The high that he had been on after this afternoon was quickly diminishing and a world that he had escaped was drowning him once again. He had been so optimistic, but hearing his mom’s voice and her words only brought back the stress and worry that came with this wedding. His parents were counting on him to do the right thing. They were already so invested in this and his mounting failure at meeting their expectations was crashing around him. They loved Leighanne dearly. And then when you brought her parents into it…

He sighed, his only option was appeasing her, “I know mom. Everything will be fine. I’ll see her in a few weeks time.”

He could hear the relief in her voice, “Call her won’t you? She misses you, almost as much as I do.”

“I will,” he replied quietly.

“Well, I love you.”

“Love you too.”

“Call me soon okay? I don’t want to go another two weeks without hearing from my boy.”

“I will mom, I promise. Say hi to dad for me,” he said.

“Will do sweetheart, love you! Bye,” she said.

Brian said goodbye and tossed his phone to the side, immediately putting his head in his hands. He groaned with the rising stress, frustration, and anger sweeping over him.

His desire to be with Leslie overwhelmed him then. He needed to see her, if only it were to calm him down. She always had a way of comforting him, even if she didn’t know it. Her very presence was therapeutic, but her eyes seemed to be the source of it all.

He leaned back on the couch, closing his eyes, trying to visualize her face. Of all the things in his life that he didn’t know how to handle, she was the one thing he was sure of. He needed her and he wouldn’t stop until he got her.

~~~~~~~

That Night

Leslie’s hand rested gently in Nick’s, trailing behind him as he led her through the restaurant. They were running nearly a half hour late because Nick was having trouble finding the tie he had bought specifically for his outfit. Leslie scoured their suitcases in her knee length black, flowing cocktail dress, her black heels digging into the carpet as she crawled across the floor with Nick, looking in every nook and cranny. After half an hour, Nick had found it amongst his socks, claiming he had no idea how it had got there.

And now here they were, following the hostess through the restaurant to the back private room where everyone sat and waited. Leslie's heart had sped up in her chest the nearer she got, nervous and excited to see Brian.

Her hair was in curls, pinned up with tendrils hanging loosely in random spots, her dangling earrings catching the light and sparkling.

“We’re here!” Nick exclaimed, entering the dim lit room, addressing the long table.

Voices erupted, filling the room, heckles and jokes floating their way. Nick laughed, yelling back at them all. Leslie only smiled, trying to avoid eye contact with anyone just yet.

Nick led her to two free seats towards the middle of the table, where he waited until she sat before he took a seat himself. She settled herself in, hearing AJ to her left, “Did the taxi driver get lost or what?”

“Nick lost his tie,” she replied.

He rolled his eyes, “Figures. The man needs to put a tracking device on everything that he owns. Here, try this bread, it’s fucking fantastic.”

He tossed a roll on her plate and she laughed, “Can I breathe first?”

“Hell no, who needs to do that?” he grinned. He kissed her cheek and then turned to the other people at the table, joining in on one of the side conversations. She noticed Nick had begun talking to the people on his right. The noise in the room was nearly deafening, but it was welcomed all the same. You could tell that there was love in this room, strong friendships and bonds. She was happy that she was a part of it. She remembered something Brian had told her at the beginning about how they’re all one huge family, and he was right. It was a family.

“Leslie! Hi!”

Leslie turned and looked down the table, seeing Leigh, Howie’s girlfriend, waving at her. Leslie smiled, waving back. She had to raise her voice slightly, “Hey, when did you get in?”

“This afternoon,” she replied.

“I’m glad you’re here!”

“I am too,” she laughed.

Howie nudged her, trying to get her attention. She quickly turned to him, leaning in on the conversation. Leslie glanced at the other end of the table, immediately making eye contact with a pair of piercing baby blue eyes across from her. Brian sat there staring at her, smiling lightly. She smiled, looking away, blushing.

She looked back, seeing him chuckle slightly. He mouthed, “Hi.”

She mouthed back, “Hi.”

Her heart felt like bursting. She could always picture him in her head, but seeing him in person was always ten times more powerful. She could sit by herself and talk herself out of caring for him and moving on from him, but each time she set her eyes on him, she found it harder and harder to do so. He sent her nerves into utter chaos.

“Baby, do you know what you want?” Nick interrupted.

She tore her gaze from Brian, looking over at Nick. He stared at her, a menu open in front of him.

“I haven’t even looked,” she replied sheepishly.

He leaned in and tenderly kissed her cheek, “Steak okay?”

“Get me something with chicken,” she responded, not really hungry and definitely not caring what was ordered for her. She was eager to look back at Brian, to talk with him.

He shrugged, “Whatever you say babe.”

AJ suddenly turned to her, “You haven’t tasted the bread yet.”

She laughed, looking at him oddly, “AJ, it’s bread!”

“It’s fucking amazing bread!” he exclaimed, grabbing it from her plate and stuffing it in her hand, “Don’t make me force feed it to you.”

She rolled her eyes, finally taking a bite. She was surprised at it being sweet. She mumbled, “It’s sweet.”

“Good right?” he grinned. She nodded, unable to talk between her bites. AJ was satisfied, suddenly jumping into a conversation where he had heard his name. Leslie turned back to Brian, still chewing. He was laughing at her and she mouthed, “What?”

He blew his cheeks up with air and crossed his eyes, acting like he was chewing. She giggled, swallowing the last of her bite. She rolled her eyes, blushing, “Stop.”

He stuck his tongue out and turned to address someone that had been calling his name. Leslie grabbed Nick’s hand, and he turned to her, “Is this how it always is?”

“What is what?” he asked, chewing some unknown food.

She motioned toward the table. Realization dawned on him, “Oh yeah. Course Kevin and Kristin aren’t here, but yeah. Big ol’ happy family.”

She nodded, allowing him to kiss her, “Indeed. I like it.”

“Yeah?”

“Mmhmm. It’s loud, but it’s nice,” she smiled.

He smiled back at her, putting his arm around her, “I’m glad.”

Leslie turned her attention back to Brian, unable to keep her eyes from looking at him. He was like a magnet.

He licked his lips and motioned towards the door with his eyes. She furrowed her eyebrow, mouthing, “What?”

He did the same motion with his eyes again and stood up, acting like his cell phone had rang and had to leave to answer it. She watched as he walked along the table, towards the door to the main restaurant. He kept glancing at her, anticipation in his eyes. She licked her lips, looking at everyone around her a bit nervously. She didn’t know it but AJ had seen some of Brian and Leslie’s interaction, and was a bit confused when she excused herself from the table.

“Where you going?” Nick asked, resting his hand on her hip.

“Restroom, I’ll be right back,” she replied. He nodded, returning back to his conversation with some of the band members.

Leslie gulped, pushing her chair in and squeezing behind the numerous chairs to the door. She stepped out into the much quieter restaurant, closing the door behind her, cutting off the loud party within. She glanced across the restaurant, not seeing Brian anywhere.

She sighed, unnerved. She decided to head for the restroom, convinced she would run into him. And run into him she did. He stood in the long hallway that led to the restrooms, his back leaning against the wall. His hands were tucked into his slack pockets, and he stared down at the floor, as if waiting for something. She slowed down her pace, completely taken by how handsome he looked.

He heard her heels clack against the cobbled floor and looked up, immediately smiling. She was gorgeous.

She approached him slowly, “Hi.”

“Hi,” he said back. “You look amazing.”

She looked down at herself, her fingers fiddling with the flowing folds of her dress. She bit her lip, glancing up at him, “Thank you.”

They stared at one another for a moment, the tension between them obviously increasing. Brian pushed off the wall then, taking only a couple quick strides to get to her. He grabbed her hand and swiftly pushed the men’s bathroom door open, pulling her in. He locked the door as she said nervously and quietly, looking at the two stalls, “Brian, there could be someone in here.”

He turned to her, approaching her once more, “There isn’t. I checked before you came.”

By the time those last words had escaped his mouth, he had already pinned her against the wall, his hands slipping around her waist, his lips pressing against hers. Without a second thought she kissed back, her hands lacing around his neck, pulling him downward. A feeling of electricity traveled down both their backs, their skin already on fire. Brian hungrily massaged his lips against hers, loving how she tasted.

After what seemed like hours, he pulled away from her, gently leaning his forehead against hers, “I’m guessing you thought about what I said?”

She nodded, kissing him lightly, “I have.”

“And I can take this as a good sign?” he asked, continually giving her small kisses.

She nuzzled her nose against his, smiling, “I’d say so.”

He kissed her once more before both their heads jerked towards the door as someone banged against it in attempts to opening it.

“Shit,” Brian mumbled. He yelled out, “It’s occupied!”

The person behind the door grumbled, but stopped trying to get in. He glanced back at Leslie, her flushed cheeks making him gush. He raised his hands and cupped her face, gently giving her butterfly kisses across her face. She closed her eyes, loving how his lips felt against her skin.

He eventually stopped and stared down into her blue eyes, taking a deep breath.

“I’m with Leighanne,” he finally stated.

She bit her lip, grabbing his hands and squeezing, “And I’m with Nick.”

By these words, they understood one another. They were in no position to leave the people they were with for many reasons, including the fact that they both cared for their significant others, but they also knew that they couldn’t go on not being with one another.

“When can I see you again?” he asked.

She shook her head, “I don’t know.”

“Tonight?” he kissed her deeply. She kissed back, getting lost in him. He pulled back, noticing her eyes still closed.

She breathed out, “Wow.”

He smiled, stroking her cheek. She opened her eyes, shaking out of her reverie, “Not tonight. Tomorrow.”

“When?” he asked eagerly, once again looking towards the door as someone knocked on it impatiently, yelling on the other side, “Hurry up!”

“Before the show," she said.

“Where?” he pushed.

She leaned up, kissing him, “Your dressing room. Nick doesn’t see me before shows, it’s a superstition thing he has. He’s afraid that seeing me beforehand will make him too nervous to perform right.”

He nodded, kissing her softly between his words, “Tomorrow it is then. Get in one of the stalls and wait til whoever it is out there is done. I’ll knock on the door to let you know the coast is clear.”

She nodded, kissing his several more times before she forced herself to tear away from him. He waited until she closed the stall door before he unlocked the door, swinging it open. A balding, rather large man stood on the other side, looking angry. He spat out in an English accent, “What the fuck were you doing?”

“I like to do my business in private,” Brian mused.

The man rolled his eyes and pushed past him. Brian waited until the man was done, carefully watching the hallway, acting as if he were talking on his cell phone. When the man left, Brian knocked hard on the door and quickly left back for the private room, trying to space out their arrival time.

Leslie hadn’t returned for another couple of minutes, but when she did, his heart swelled in his chest at the sight of her. She glanced at him as she sat down next to Nick, allowing him to kiss her cheek before he went back to talking animatedly to the people around him. They had smiled at one another, guiltily loving their dirty secret.

The rest of the night, they would continually steal glances at one another, but they tried to keep it at a minimum, in case someone would notice. Of course, someone had noticed, but he refused to let it ruin his time.

All Leslie and Brian could do was look forward to the next day when they would once again be in each other’s arms, able to block out the rest of the world. Though they knew they were doing something wrong, they felt the necessity in it and it only exhilarated them more.

For a time, their story had halted. Their will and reason had prevented them from giving into their emotions and moving forward, but after that afternoon, they knew they couldn’t turn back. As they stared at one another from across the table, fighting the butterflies in their stomachs, they knew their story could finally resume.

Have you ever noticed, that I’m not acting as I used to do before?
Have you ever wondered, why I always keep on coming back for more?
What have you done to me?
I’ll never be the same, I’ll tell you for sure
You really are my ecstasy
~Ecstasy by ATB

“This is crazy,” Leslie breathed in between Brian’s relentless kisses.

He smiled against her lips, running his hand through her silky locks, “I know.”

He gently kissed her, lying on top of her on his dressing room couch. He freely ran his fingertips across her skin, sending shivers down her spine. Her legs loosely squeezed his sides, her lips brushing across his neck. He nibbled the skin on her shoulder, his hands roaming her body.

“Maybe we shouldn’t,” she suddenly said, raising her eyes to meet his.

He stared down at her, stopping his movements, his eyebrows furrowing, “Why not?”

“What if someone were to walk in?” she asked worriedly.

He sighed, “Baby, I locked the door.”

She smiled up at him, unable to hide her giddiness. He smiled down at her in response to her blushing cheeks, “What?”

“You called me baby,” she grinned foolishly.

He laughed lightly, kissing her tenderly, “It slipped out I guess.”

“I like it,” she smiled cutely.

He grinned, “Maybe I’ll let it slip out more often then.”

She reached up to meet his lips again, parting her lips to delicately massage her tongue against his. Her arms wrapped around him, pulling him downwards. He breathed out, loving her body pressed against his. She giggled against his lips when his hands touched her sides.

He jerked up, looking down at her, “What, what I do?”

She laughed at his reaction, “It tickled.”

He smiled and began to lean in again, but stopped abruptly when a knock sounded at the door. Leslie gasped, staring up at Brian with large eyes. He quickly slid off of her, allowing her to sit up. She tousled her hair, slightly glancing at the body length mirror on the wall to check for smeared make-up. Brian approached the door, slightly glancing back at Leslie before he opened it a crack. He relaxed when he saw a stagehand, “Yes?”

“10 minutes,” he stated, before rushing off.

Leslie had heard what he said and mumbled, “Shit.”

Brian closed the door, turning to her. His heart sank in his chest as he saw her putting on her stage shoes, “Well this didn’t turn out as planned.”

She got up and made her way over to him, kissing his lips lightly, “We had a nice little make out session didn’t we?”

“It went by so fast,” he watched as she straightened her dance outfit.

She looked over at him sadly, “Maybe this was a bad idea.”

“What was?” he asked fearfully.

“The dressing room,” she stated.

He relaxed, letting out a relieved laugh. He had been afraid that she thought the entire thing was a mistake. He was afraid she’d want to end it before it ever really began.

He grabbed her and pulled her to him close, hugging her tightly. He breathed in the scent of her hair, closing his eyes. She relaxed into him, wrapping her arms around his frame.

“This is hard,” he said quietly.

She nodded against his shoulder, “I know.” She slightly pulled away, “I have to go though. Caitlin’s probably having a nervous breakdown trying to find me.”

He nodded, watching as she pushed past him. He turned to her, pleading, “Leslie, I need to see you.”

She reached for the door but turned to him, smiling, wanting as much as he did, “Wait in your room at the hotel. I’ll come to you.”

He waited until she left before he pumped his hands in the air, grinning to himself. Her words overjoyed him for many reasons. For one, he would get to spend more time with her, to touch and kiss her. But more importantly, she was obviously not wavering in her desire for him. The fire in her eyes was intoxicating.

She had stayed true to her word and had come to his dressing room already in full costume. He remembered how nervous he had been, thinking that she would change her mind and not come, but when he opened the door and she had stood there smiling slyly up at him, his whole body relaxed. He had invited her in friendly, as a way to announce to the world that it was just an innocent visit, but as soon as he closed and locked the door, he had grabbed her, immediately bringing her lips to his, unable to control his excitement.

He smiled, his lips still tingling. Another stagehand then came banging on the door, screaming on the other side, “5 minutes!”

Brian sighed, quickly slipping on his shoes before rushing out into the hall, the loud rush of noise and chaos greeting his ears. He could hear the muffled screams growing louder as he approached the backstage area. A stagehand rushed over to him and he stopped, raising his arms in the air as she clipped his microphone pack to his back, before handing him the wires to maneuver through his clothing. He slid the microphone behind his ears, the small bud projecting forward in front of his mouth.

He saw Nick, AJ, and Howie getting the same treatment, last minute people tugging at their clothing. He made his way over to the rising platform, waiting for the rest of the boys to congregate around him.

AJ turned to him, “Do you know where Leslie’s been? Caitlin and Charm were going bat shit crazy. They burst in my room like a couple of frantic mental patients.”

Brian glanced over at him, trying his best to act confused, “No idea.”

AJ stared at him skeptically, watching as Brian averted his gaze. Nick had overheard their conversation as a hair stylist ran her hands through his hair for what seemed like the hundredth time.

“They found her,” he announced.

Brian quickly looked to Nick, trying to play the innocent card, “Where was she?”

“Caitlin said she had a headache and went outside to get some fresh air for awhile,” he said, stepping up to stand beside Brian.

Brian nodded, unable to ignore AJ’s eyes boring into him. He glanced at him sideways, finally satisfied when AJ turned to Howie to talk.

Brian knew then that he and Leslie could never meet before shows. It was too dangerous. They hadn’t thought things through, too blinded by their new found excitement. He knew they would have to find other ways to see each other, but he was determined to make it happen.

“15 seconds!” someone screamed from behind.

The band overhead had already begun playing the opening notes to ‘Everybody’, and the screams were intensifying. Brian took a deep breath, saying a silent prayer before the lift sprang to life, slowly elevating them. Brian kept his head down, picturing Leslie in front of his eyes, smiling to himself before he lifted his head, stage lights suddenly falling down on all four of them, the screams piercing their ears. Brian opened his mouth and let his heavenly voice flow out, officially starting the show.

~~~~~~~

Brian paced his bedroom impatiently, constantly looking towards the door, waiting for Leslie’s knock. His nerves were in overdrive, anticipating the time when she would soon be in his arms again. He stopped suddenly when that much awaited knock sounded. He rushed to the door but tried to contain himself, not wanting to make a fool. He took a deep breath and pulled the door open, the large grin on his face faltering.

“AJ,” he stated, shocked.

AJ raised an eyebrow,“Expecting someone else?”

Brian shook his head, opening the door further, “No, course not.”

AJ followed Brian into the room, closing the door behind him. Brian took a seat on the couch, glancing at the clock, his heart racing in his chest. What if Leslie were to show up when AJ was here?

“What’s up?” Brian asked, trying to contain his obvious nervousness.

AJ plopped down on one of the chairs, looking over at Brian. He studied him for a moment before opening his mouth, “Howie, Leigh, and I were gonna hit up a couple clubs. Want to tag along?”

Brian quickly shook his head, “No thanks, kind of tired.”

AJ nodded, “Just figured you might want to come. Is everything okay?”

“Everything’s fine,” he replied.

“Everything with Leighanne?”

“As good as they can be Bone,” he said.

“Want to talk about it?” AJ asked, leaning forward.

Brian shook his head, thinking how horrible his timing was, “There’s really nothing to talk about.”

AJ searched his face, unsatisfied with his answer, but having to accept it all the same, “Well, alright, I’m here if you need me.”

“I know man, I appreciate that, but I’m fine, really,” Brian assured.

AJ nodded, getting up from the chair, “You sure you don’t want to come? It’ll be a blast.”

“No thanks, I think I’m turning in early,” he replied, standing up as well, following AJ to the door, trying not to be too obvious about wanting to push him out.

Before AJ left, he turned back to Brian, hesitating with his words before continuing on, “You’re not doing anything bad, are you Rok?”

Brian stopped, forgetting his current situation for a moment, startled at AJ’s words, “What do you mean?”

AJ struggled to find what he wanted to say, addressing the issue tentatively, “I don’t know. You just seem… different lately. Happy.”

Brian laughed, trying to lighten the tension between them, “Happy’s bad?”

“Well, no, but last time I checked you and Leighanne weren’t doing so hot.”

“Maybe not, but things are fine,” he responded.

“How?” AJ pushed.

“They just are Bone,” Brian said exasperated.

AJ nodded, “Alright, sorry for prying. As long as everything’s kosher.”

“Of course they are,” Brian replied, watching as AJ opened the door and stepped out into the hall.

“Catch ya later Rok,” he waved before making his way down the hall.

Brian quietly began to close the door, but decided to leave it slightly open so Leslie could just walk in. He sighed, rubbing his hands over his face, falling back into the couch. AJ’s words worried him. He made no clear sign of anything out of the ordinary, but the fact that AJ even asked him if he was doing anything bad, and hoping that everything was ‘kosher’, was telling in itself. AJ had a way of communicating something so innocently, in an attempt to get subtle hints to help assure his own theories.

Brian jumped when he felt hands slide over his shoulders from behind, running down his chest. He relaxed when Leslie’s scent filled his senses and her lips came in contact with his cheek.

“You okay?” she asked, coming around the couch to sit next to him.

He grabbed her hand and raised it to his mouth, kissing her skin softly, “I am now.”

“I came as soon as AJ got in the elevator,” she explained.

Brian smiled at her, “I’m glad you’re here.”

“You look spooked,” she said concerned, resting her hand against his cheek.

He leaned into her touch, closing his eyes, letting her presence relax him, “No, I’m fine. Really.”

“What’d he want?”

Not wanting to worry her, he decided to tell the innocent part of the truth, “Wanted to see if I wanted to go clubbing.”

She smiled and crawled up onto his lap, straddling his legs. He rested his hands on her hips, feeling her warmth radiate towards him. She leaned down and kissed him gently.

He asked quietly after she had pulled back, “What’d you tell Nick?”

“Didn’t have to. He passed out as soon as he hit the sheets,” she smiled.

Though she was smiling, Brian spotted a hint of sadness there. He understood its origin because he felt the same thing; guilt. It felt wrong to be doing this behind Nick’s back, but they felt so out of control of the situation. They felt they couldn’t even stop if they wanted to.

He grabbed her hand and used it as a way to pull her down towards him. He covered her mouth with his, kissing her long and deep. She began to deepen it further, her hands running down his chest and up under his shirt, her fingertips sliding over his skin. He pulled back, grabbing her hands, and looking up into her glowing blue eyes. AJ’s words had affected him more than he initially thought. He wanted her so incredibly bad, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to, not tonight.

“Can we talk instead?” he asked, looking at her hopefully.

She smiled down at him, kissing him quickly, unable to contain her giggles, “Aren’t I the one that should be saying that?” She raised her hand to her forehead, acting faint and helpless, mocking in a baby voice, “Oh honey, I don’t think I can tonight. I have such a huge headache.”

Brian laughed, immediately tickling her sides. She screamed out, her body jerking away from him, falling off to the side, hitting the couch. She laughed hysterically, Brian’s relentless tickles sending her into a fit of giggles, “Stop! Brian, stop!”

He laughed, finally stopping, looking down at her. She tried catching her breath, finally sitting up and glaring at him, “You’re evil.”

“That’s what you get for making fun of me,” he teased.

She stuck her tongue out at him and he returned the favor.

“What do you want to talk about?” she asked, cuddling up next to him. He lifted his arm to rest around her, pulling her to him. Her head gently rested on his shoulder and he felt a wave of happiness sweep over him. She felt so right sitting there beside him, her chest rising and falling with his, their bodies in sync.

“Anything, everything,” he whispered.

“You might need to narrow it down love,” she cooed.

Brian smiled, both at what she called him, but also because she was right, “Alright, what’s your favorite flower? I don’t think I know that yet.”

“Lilies,” she stated.

He leaned his head against hers, “Oh yeah?”

She nodded and he continued, “I got another one.”

“Hmm?”

“If you could be anywhere in the world right now, where would it be?” he asked.

She was quiet for a moment and for a split second, he thought she might have fallen asleep, her body relaxed against his, her steady breathing pressing against him, until she finally spoke up, “Denver.”

He was surprised at this answer, thinking she would say some exotic island or some place extraordinary, but Denver? He didn’t expect that. He rubbed her arm, kissing the top of her head, “Why there?”

“I haven’t been home in nearly two years. It’s kind of overdue you know?”

“Why haven’t you been home?”

She shrugged, her fingers lacing with his, “Once I started getting gigs, it was just a snowball effect. I haven’t had the time,” she paused before continuing on, “I miss it. LA is so different from Colorado. It’s such a fast paced lifestyle and sometimes I wish I could just be back there to lead a normal life.”

“I know what you mean,” he replied. “When you go, can I come with?”

She raised her head to look at him, “You kind of lack the tall, blonde hair, last name Carter thing that my parents have come to know. Wouldn’t look good would it?”

He frowned, “No, I suppose not," and then added, “Has Nick met your parents yet?”

She shook her head against him, “Not yet. We were thinking about going for Christmas.”

Brian felt a pang of hurt at her words. The way she said we didn’t settle well with him. Nick and her as a we was something he didn’t like thinking about, but the fact that they were planning on taking a trip to Colorado for Christmas upset him more. He tended to forget how deep her relationship with Nick had gotten. He wondered if she cared more for Nick than him, but that was ridiculous. Did it really matter in the end? She was here with him, now. She was deceiving Nick for him. One would think that would be enough, but for some reason, it wasn’t.

“Where would you be?” she asked conversationally.

He ran his fingers through her hair, twirling strands around his fingers, “Besides here with you?”

She laughed lightly, slapping his leg, “Seriously.”

“I am serious,” he said defensively, smiling.

She continued, “Yes, besides here with me.”

“I don’t know. I never think about it. I like going anywhere, exploring new cities, meeting new people. Being a singer, I’ve been blessed to go everywhere that I have ever imagined and actually get paid for it. But if I had to choose, I guess I’d say home.”

“In Kentucky?”

He shrugged, “Not necessarily. LA, Orlando, Kentucky… they’ve all got a place for me, you know?”

“I’ve never been to Kentucky.”

“No?”

“Nope, not a favorite tour stop I guess,” she replied.

He smiled, “No, I guess not. I’d love to take you there someday.”

“I’d like that,” she replied softly.

They sat there for a few minutes, not saying anything, but enjoying each other’s company. Leslie fiddled with Brian’s fingers, lacing them between hers, feeling at ease as Brian’s chest rose and fell against her. She smiled to herself, feeling safe and warm.

“So, slightly off topic but necessary nonetheless, I must know, who was your first kiss?” He asked finally, breaking the silence.

She looked up at him, smiling, “What?”

“You heard me,” he grinned, squeezing her.

“Well, if you must know, Tommy Guilson, 6th grade, in my friend Chelsea’s basement.”

“Ooo, scandalous,” he teased.

“Far from it. It was wet and sloppy and not at all what I expected,” she grumbled.

He laughed, “What were you expecting?”

“What every girl expects! Prince Charming romances you and the first kiss changes your life forever. Fireworks explode, you know, the whole works.”

“Man, I wish those existed, or I wish I was that naïve to believe something like that.”

She slapped him again, laughing, “Shut up, I was 12 years old.”

“I know, I know, I’m joking.”

“Well, what about you Mr. Macho?”

“Uh, can’t remember.”

“Liar,” she laughed, sitting up and poking him in the stomach. “Tell me.”

He shook his head, “Rather not, thanks.”

“Bitch, tell me!”

He laughed, “Did you just call me a bitch?”

She smiled at him sheepishly, “Maybe?”

“Saucy minx,” he purred. She laughed, pushing him away as he leaned in, pawing at her jokingly.

He smiled, “Alright, her name was Jessica, I was 9, and it was cold as hell outside. We were busy making a snowman out in my backyard. She lived up the street from me you see. But, we started this stupid snowball fight and she had run over to the porch, which was made of cement mind you, and I followed, thinking this would be the perfect opportunity to sweep her off her feet you know. She seemed to like me anyway.”

“Uh-huh,” Leslie smiled, waiting for the story to continue.

“So I chased after her and she stopped and turned around, noticing I had come in peace, no snow in hand. And I remember standing there thinking that it was now or never. I had seen it done in the movies, so how hard could it be? So I leaned forward to do it and suddenly my foot slipped out from under me and I plowed my forehead into her nose, falling on top of her.”

Leslie started laughing hysterically and Brian couldn’t help but chuckle himself, “When I landed on top of her, my mouth slammed into hers, and God did that hurt.”

Leslie held her stomach, giggling uncontrollably, “That’s so cute.”

“Cute? Cute!? It was a catastrophe! She had to wear a nose brace for over a month. There was blood everywhere,” he laughed.

“Well, Casanova, you’ve come a long way,” she grinned, leaning in to plant a kiss on his lips.

He sighed happily, pulling her to him again, planting small kisses on her lips.

“But if you ever break my nose, I’ll break your neck,” she warned.

He raised his hands defensively, “I’ll try my best not to break your nose. Or anything else for that matter.”

He paused, running his fingers softly against her cheek, “Come to think of it, ever broken a bone?”

She nodded, “Yup. I was an accident prone kid. I broke my right arm when I was in 1st grade.”

“How?”

“I was in gymnastics, and hated it. Hated it even more after I broke my arm. I was on that stupid bench that’s high in the air, where you have to walk in a straight line… do you know what I’m talking about?”

“I think so?” he added, not completely sure.

She brushed it off, “Anyway, I was walking from one end to the other and I thought I heard someone call my name, so I turned around to see who it was, but they weren’t talking to me, so I turned back around, and while I was turning, I lost my balance and fell on my arm, and CRACK!”

“That sounds terrible,” he said.

“It was!” she exclaimed.

Brian reached over and took her right arm, kissing it gently.

She smiled, “If only you were there to kiss the pain away.”

“If only,” he winked.

They continued to talk for over an hour, laughing over the stupidest things, but enjoying every second they were with one another. There never seemed to be any awkwardness between them, even from day one, and that meant something huge for Brian. He loved talking and laughing with her, and he loved touching and kissing her. He loved everything.

She smiled warmly at him and then looked over at the clock, turning her gaze back to Brian, “Maybe I should go.”

He shook his head, “No, don’t. Stay for a little while more.”

“What if Nick wakes up?” she asked as Brian pulled her into his arms.

She was once again straddling him and he pulled her down for a kiss, “Just tell him you went out for a walk.”

“At 2 in the morning?” she asked skeptically.

He smiled, “Just flash him a smile and he’ll believe anything, especially from you.”

She rolled her eyes, running her fingers through his hair, “I guess.”

“Come on, tell me a funny story,” he urged.

She scrunched up her nose, “I don’t have any funny stories.”

“I don’t believe it. I demand a funny story.”

She sighed, laughing at his pouting face, “Jeez. Fine. I don’t even know if you’ll find this funny.”

“Try me.”

“Alright, so in high school, my senior year, my friend Jen and I went to this club. Big whoop. It was one of those 18 and up nights you know?”

Brian nodded and she continued, “So we’re on our way home and we’re talking, laughing, all that girlie stuff, and all of a sudden, I notice a strong scent of biscuits. At least, I thought it was biscuits, and so being blonde me, I went ‘Mmm, I smell biscuits’, and Jen looked over at me all weird and goes ‘I smell dog food’, and coincidentally, there we were, driving past a dog food factory. We couldn’t stop laughing for ages.”

Brian stared at her blankly and she blushed, putting her head in her hands, “See, I don’t know any funny stories!”

Brian laughed, “I’m sorry, I just wasn’t expecting that. You thought dog food smelled like biscuits?”

“What?” she laughed, pushing him playfully. “It did smell like biscuits! Until she said dog food, then it was just nasty. She ruined it for me.”

“Oh God, Leslie,” he laughed.

“I have my blonde moments I guess,” she shrugged, smiling cutely.

“Oh, I’m sure,” he joked.

She slapped him lightly, “Shut it Littrell. Besides, I’ve never had a dog, how was I supposed to know what it smelled like?”

“You’ve never had a dog?” he asked in shock.

She shook her head, “Nope, my parents never allowed it. Didn’t want their furniture all messed up.”

“That’s awful though. Every kid should have a dog.”

“Believe me, I’ve wanted one,” she said. “I swore that I’d get one when I moved out to California, but I’m barely home, so those plans kind of went down the drain.”

“What kind would you want?”

“A Corgi,” she replied.

He grinned, “Those little sausage things that the Queen of England is obsessed with?”

“They’re not sausage things! They’re adorable,” she laughed.

“Alright, I’ll give it to you there. They are cute. I just can’t believe you’ve never had a dog.”

“Thanks for rubbing it in,” she joked.

“Anytime babe,” he grinned.

She smiled again, leaning down to kiss him, “You know, you’re pretty fun to be around.”

“Am I?” he asked innocently.

“You are.”

“Well, so are you,” he replied, rubbing her thighs gently.

She bit her lip, glancing down at his hands, and then up into his eyes, “Maybe we can do this again sometime?”

“I’d like that very much,” he responded softly.

She leaned down and planted another kiss on his lips, “I really think I should get back.”

He nodded, his voice turning sad, defeated, “Okay.”

She slid off of him, waiting for him to get up before she made her way to the door. She turned to him, looking up into his eyes, “Brian?”

“Yeah?” He grabbed her hands, squeezing them gently.

“Are you going to regret this?” she asked, looking up at him with worried filled eyes.

He wrapped her in a hug, pulling her close, “No. I could never regret you.”

She raised her head, seemingly satisfied with his answer. She let him kiss her deeply and softly, his hands lying at the small of her back, steadying her as their lips moved against one another. She pulled back, smiling slightly, “Goodnight.”

“Night,” he responded, watching her close the door lightly behind her as she left.

He grinned, reaching out a hand to plant on the wall to steady himself. He felt like he had just been in a dream, his head fuzzy and light, his skin prickly and warm. He honestly didn’t believe that earlier today he would end up just talking with her instead of doing all the other things he’d been dying to do to her, but he loved it anyway. She felt good in every aspect of his life and he knew his future could only hold more promise and joy. He couldn’t wait until the next day, excited for the unknown. As long as Leslie was a part of it, he was completely open and ready for anything.

~~~~~~~

Leslie quietly shed her clothing, slipping on her pajamas, watching Nick closely through the moonlight. She stood there, staring at him as he slept, not being able to contain her smile. He always slept so soundly.

She quietly and slowly crawled up on the bed, trying to slide under the covers with as little movement as possible. Nick stirred and she stiffened, looking down at him as he breathed out, flipping over to face her. She relaxed when he settled in, breathing steadily. She slid under the covers and faced him, looking at his sweet face.

She hated this. She hated this entire situation. Her heart hurt as she stared at him, looking at the curves of his chin and the arch of his nose, the puffiness of his lips, and the way his hair fell. She loved all these things about him and it hurt her to deceive him like she was. She had cheated on him, plain and simple, and now she was on her way to a full on love affair. Why couldn’t she be content with this man lying next to her? Why couldn’t she just ignore her feelings for Brian and focus on the love of a good man?

She couldn’t help herself, as stupid as that sounded. She cared deeply for both men, and she wanted both of them, selfishly.

She lifted her hand and gently touched Nick’s cheek, tears coming to her eyes. He stirred at her touch, but she didn’t attempt to remove her hand.

He grumbled, “That you baby?”

She searched his face, loving every inch of him, letting the tears burn her eyes.

She responded quietly, “It’s me.”

He snuggled into her, his hands slipping around her waist, pulling her to him close. He kissed her lips and settled in comfortably, adjusting to her body pressing against his.

He whispered sleepily, “Where you been?”

She licked her lips, watching his closed eyes, his body rising and falling with each breath he took. She swallowed hard, remembering what Brian had jokingly told her to tell him, “Just went for a walk.”

He smiled lightly, never once opening his eyes. He breathed out, “Okay,” before drifting off to sleep.

Tears seeped from her eyes then, her heart aching terribly in her chest. She didn’t know what she had expected him to say. Deep down she had wanted him to question her, to open his eyes and stare at her doubtfully, pushing her to tell him the truth. But he hadn’t. He had accepted her answer without a second thought. She reasoned that it could just be that he was half asleep and not thinking clearly, but she knew better than that. He trusted her completely. In his eyes, she could do no wrong. Brian was right; he would believe anything, especially from her.

And this simple fact broke her heart.

I could hold you in my arms
I could hold you forever
I could hold you in my arms, Oh
I could hold you forever
~Hold You In My Arms by Ray LaMontagne

Brian hummed to himself, strumming his guitar lightly, testing different chords and combinations. He occasionally leaned forward to write something down in his notebook, and then put the pencil back in his mouth, to strum out a few more chords.

He glanced at his notebook, satisfied that he had a good chunk of a beginning of a song. He spit the pencil out of his mouth and began strumming his guitar at the speed he thought appropriate, singing the words softly to himself. He smiled when he got to the end of what he had, and then looked up startled when he heard a sweet voice that haunted his dreams, “You sing like an angel, have I ever told you that?”

He grinned to see Leslie standing there, a pair of low rise jeans clinging tightly to her toned body, a light pink tank top cami only making her sexier than she already was. Her hair was pulled up in a high ponytail, a few tendrils falling away that rested against her beautiful face. She smiled back at him.

“You look like an angel, have I ever told you that?”

She bit her lip, unable to contain her huge grin. She stepped forward and took a seat cross-legged on the carpet in front of him. She looked up at him on the couch, his guitar still in his lap, “Why is it I always find your door opened slightly?”

“Cause I’m always hoping you’d walk through it at some point,” he said honestly.

She blushed and he leaned forward, waiting for her to fill the gap. She leaned forward as well, fully accepting his kiss.

She breathed out happily, leaning back against the coffee table, “I’m sorry I haven’t come in a couple days.”

“Baby, you don’t need to apologize. Only makes when I do see you that much sweeter.”

She smiled lightly, still feeling the need to explain, “Nick’s been energetic lately, wanting to go out and all that. Hasn’t really left me enough time.”

Brian nodded, staring down at her as she spoke, wanting so much to bring her into his arms, to touch her soft skin, and kiss her beautiful lips. Though it has been a couple days since they’ve been able to see each other privately, he had missed her all the same.

“We’re in Paris, can’t blame him for wanting to take you out to explore,” Brian admitted, looking down at his guitar as he positioned his fingers over the chords. He had avoided eye contact with his last statement, knowing the hurt inside him would clearly be shown to her. Around other people, it was easy to hide his emotions, but with Leslie, everything was always displayed for the world to see.

He strummed out a few chords until Leslie put her hand against his for him to stop. He looked up and saw her looking at him sadly. His heart melted at the sight of her.

“I missed you love,” she cooed.

The words he had been wanting to hear finally escaped her lips and his whole body relaxed, “I missed you too.”

She licked her lips and removed her hand away from his, but he made no move to play again. Staring down at her, he knew she was thinking the same thing as him. How could they miss each other so much by just being apart for only a small amount of time?

Brian spoke up, “It’s early. Where’s Nick?”

Now it was Leslie avoiding eye contact. She shook her head, finding a spot on the carpet that seemed a bit too interesting to stare at, “Needed space.”

“Space?” I asked, confused at her choice of words.

She looked up at him, her eyes full of sadness, “Well, I needed space.”

Brian furrowed his eyebrow, “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing major, we just…” she sighed, “We got in a fight this morning.”

Brian’s heart skipped in his chest, “Over what?”

“He surprised me this morning with two tickets to Figi,” she stated. Brian’s confusion intensified, wondering how on earth a fight could result from a seemingly romantic act. She saw this on his face and continued, “For Christmas.”

“Wait, what? Christmas? I thought you guys were going to Denver.”

“I thought so too,” she said quietly.

Brian shook his head in amazement, “Leslie, doesn’t he know how much going to Denver means to you?”

She shrugged, “I don’t know.”

“He has to. If he knows you at all, he has to,” Brian stated incredulously.

Leslie looked up into his eyes, seeing the concern and love festering deep within, “He got defensive when I wasn’t jumping for joy, and I got angry and frustrated because he acted like Colorado was just a small suggestion, and not a done deal. He said he wanted to go somewhere ‘fun’.”

Brian felt anger rise from his stomach. He sat there, not knowing what to say. She continued softly, “We’ve never yelled at each other like that before.”

Brian sighed, not wanting to upset her, “Are you okay?”

She nodded, trying to smile up at him, “I’m here with you aren’t I? I’m better than okay.”

As much as he wanted to accept those words without any doubt, he couldn’t. He knew that her fight with Nick hurt her, and as a result, it hurt him. But at the same time, he knew that she wouldn’t be here unless she thought he could make her feel better.

She cleared her throat, attempting to change the subject, “You know, you’ve never sang to me before.”

Brian smirked, “Neither have you.”

She smiled, “That’s different. I can’t sing.”

“And I can?” he asked, raising his eyebrows playfully.

She rolled her eyes, but humored him all the same, “Beautifully.”

He looked down at her, their eyes locking, sending a wave of shivers to pass through both of them.

“You know Leslie, you just have to ask me, and I’ll do anything for you,” he said quietly.

She looked shocked for a moment, not expecting those words. She looked down at her hands for a moment, and Brian continued to stare at her, unable to tear his eyes away from the woman that radiated such life and beauty. When she looked back up at him, her eyes were stinging with tears, and she stated something he himself wasn’t expecting, “I know.”

He smiled lightly at her and she returned it, “Will you sing to me?”

He nodded once, his heart fluttering in his chest at her very presence, before he turned to his guitar, positioning it comfortably within his arms. He positioned his fingers over the chords and then began to strum softly.

Leslie sat there on the floor, looking up at this wonderful, handsome, caring man that was stealing her heart away. She watched as he strummed, her body relaxing and yet her heart swelling with happiness.

After a few moments, Brian began to sing gently, looking into Leslie’s eyes, “When you kissed my lips with my mouth so full of questions / My worried mind that you quiet / Place your hands on my face / Close my eyes and say / Love is a poor man’s food / Don’t prophesize.”

He looked at her with such intensity but with also softness, pouring his heart into his words, “I could hold you in my arms / I could hold you forever / I could hold you in my arms, Oh / I could hold you forever.”

He turned his attention back to his guitar, strumming the strings with such purpose. Leslie looked up at him with wonder, “So now we see how it is / This fist begets the spear / Weapons of war / Symptoms of madness / Don't let your eyes refuse to see / Don't let your ears refuse to hear / Or you ain't never going to shake this sense of sadness.”

He looked back up into her eyes then, and her breath caught in her throat, unable to tear her eyes away from his bright blue ones, “I could hold you in my arms / I could hold on forever / And I could hold you in my arms, Oh / I could hold on forever…”

He slowly stopped strumming, continuing to lock his eyes with hers. He smiled lightly at the last chord, waiting for Leslie to respond. She was feeling a little hot under the collar, moved and aroused by his voice and his talent. She struggled to find words to describe how she felt and wished to say, and ultimately failed. Instead, she had a better idea.

Brian watched as a sly smile crossed her face and she began to slowly and smoothly get up from the carpet. He stared at her, wondering what she was doing, unable to shake the worry that she was leaving. But then she gently reached down and grabbed his guitar, and he allowed it to be taken and set on top of the coffee table. He held his arms open as she crawled into his lap, her fingers finding and locking with his. He looked at her with wonder, unable to contain how happy he felt. She smiled at him and leaned in, kissing him softly, letting his tongue massage hers, his lips move tenderly against her lips.

She unlocked her hands from his and wrapped them around his neck, hugging him closely as they kissed. His hands ran over her back, the thin fabric of her cami allowing her warmth to reach him. He pulled her closer, squeezing her gently. He let his hands roam over her curves, their kiss deepening by the second.

She finally pulled back, the smile still displayed on her face. She still didn’t say anything and Brian laughed lightly, “I’m assuming you liked it?”

“Very much,” she replied, her hands grazing the contours of his chest through his shirt.

“How ‘bout an encore?” he asked softly.

She bit her lip, kissing him once again. She nodded against his lips, and in return, he tightened his grip on her. He slid his feet out from under him, never parting from her as he got up off the couch, holding her as her legs gripped around him. He walked over to the bed, lying her down gently. She got up on her knees as he crawled up on the bed, finally stopping and positioning himself on his knees as he faced her.

He reached up and cupped her face, bringing her lips to his once more. She kissed back, her hands finding the bottom of his shirt, yanking up on it. He pulled back and allowed her to shed it from his body. Her fingers tenderly touched his skin, running over his muscled physique.

He saw her staring at a well known spot on his chest, her fingers delicately touching his scar. He looked down to his scar and where her fingers so gently touched, and then back up at her, their eyes locking. Without saying anything, she leaned forward, pressing soft kisses down the length of his scar. He closed his eyes, swallowing hard, allowing her to do the one thing he always told Leighanne not to do. With Leslie, he loved how it felt. With her, he felt safe.

She kissed her way up his chest, to his neck, to finally his lips again. He pulled her to him close, his fingers tugging at her tank top. She pulled back, yanking up at her top and tossing it to the side. She immediately reached back and unsnapped her bra, letting it fall from her. He grabbed it and pulled the rest of it away from her, discarding it immediately. His hands slid over her stomach to her breasts, her nipples hardening as his fingers brushed against them. He grabbed her and she arched her back, letting his mouth brush across her upper chest before his tongue found his way lower, taking her right nipple into his mouth. He twirled his tongue around it, his other hand massaging her other breast. She put her hand over his, a moan escaping her throat.

He continued with this technique as he slowly lowered her back against the bed, letting her legs wrap around him. She suddenly grabbed his head, forcing his lips to come back to hers. He felt her hips grind against his as theirs mouths enveloped one another.

His hands ran down her sides and he pushed himself up, fiddling with the front of her jeans. In return, her hands fiddled with the front of his. He succeeded first, stripping them away from her body, before he aided her, shedding his jeans as well. He lied down on top of her once more, enjoying her body underneath his, her hands sending shivers down his spine.

She raised her legs towards her chest, her toes snatching at his boxers, their lips never parting from one another. She pushed her legs down, the cloth held between her toes. He found his boxers being slid down his body and he smiled against her mouth, “Creative aren’t we?”

She looked up at him innocently and he pulled back, getting rid of his unwanted briefs before sliding his hands up her long, tan, toned legs. He grabbed her lacey boy shorts and pulled them slowly off of her body. She squirmed and he looked up into her eyes, finding her staring down at him with anticipation. He smiled at her, finally throwing her panties to the side before he slid his body back up hers, her legs wrapping around him.

He kissed her gently and then stared into her eyes, reaching up and moving a tendril of hair away from her face. She looked back up at him, searching his face.

“You’re so beautiful Leslie,” he breathed out. “You’re like a dream…”

She shook her head, her fingers running through his hair, “No, Bri-“

He silenced her protests with another kiss, and she gave into him, her body relaxing underneath him. His hands moved down her body to her thighs, where he gently pushed her legs up to gain him perfect access. He wasted no more time, feeling her body lift and press into his, anticipating, waiting.

With ease, he slid into her. She gasped against his lips, pulling away to look up at him. He had closed his eyes, letting her warmth envelope him. He had nearly forgotten how good and right she felt. He slowly opened them and stared down at her, moving his hips once more. Out, in.

She closed her eyes, her right hand gripping the sheets around them as he thrust again, and again, and again. Moans erupted within both of them, Brian nuzzling Leslie’s neck as he worked. He reached down, pushing her leg out and up, diving deep within her. She called out, tightening her other leg around him, squeezing. He groaned, finding her lips again. She could barely concentrate, pulling away from his lips, cocking her head back as he glided in and out of her, again, again, again, and again. In, out, in, out, in, out.

She bit her lip, moving her body with his, urging him to go deeper. Brian sped up his pace, their bodies beginning to glisten from their passion.

She deeply moaned, “Brian”, which made him speed up more, made him slide in and out of her harder. He could vaguely hear the trees rustling outside or the creaking of the bed as they moved, for Leslie’s moans of ecstasy filled the room, fueling him further. Thrusting again, and again, and again. Breathing heavy, bodies hot, bodies glistening. Hot, heavy.

Brian got lost in her, as she got lost in him. It had been over a week since their last and first encounter, but it had been overdue. Their bodies were so in sync with one another that even through their heated pleasure, they were amazed and astounded at their compatibility. It was hard to describe what they felt, but in as little words in possible, they fit.

“Please,” Leslie moaned loudly. “Don’t stop. Harder, please harder.”

Brian obliged, lifting slightly to get better leverage. He supported himself with one arm on the bed, as his right hand slid under her back, lifting her slightly. Harder, faster, again, again, and again.

He felt himself reaching his peak but held on, waiting for her. Her hands covered her face, her moans unable to be contained, “Oh God.”

“Oh God,” Brian groaned back, “Leslie.”

He felt her walls tighten around him. She had given herself completely to him, her body trembling as she climaxed, her voice filling the room, calling out in pure ecstasy. Brian, breathing heavily, collapsed on top of her, releasing his desire, his body too shaking. Their chests rose and fell heavily, Brian resting his head against her chest, her rapid heart beat reaching his ears. He swallowed, trying to catch his breath. He slid off of her, immediately slipping his arm around her and pulling her to him close. He kissed the top of her head and she relaxed into him, snuggling close, resting her head on his chest.

“That was incredible,” she breathed out. Brian swallowed again, laughing lightly, unable to believe that what just happened felt like their first time all over again, their emotions and feelings still as strong.

She turned her head up to look at him and he leaned down, kissing her lips gently, “I’m a man of many talents.”

She laughed, slapping his stomach lightly, “Way to ruin the mood Littrell.”

He squeezed her, tickling her sides slightly. She squirmed and they both laughed. He then stated sincerely, “It was perfect.”

She reached up and kissed him again, flipping over his body to straddle him. He grinned up at her, fully accepting what she had planned.

They spent the rest of the afternoon, not having sex persay, because it wasn’t just sex with them, but making love. They made love twice more before drifting off to sleep. At least, Leslie slept. Brian couldn’t. How could he? He was so overcome with joy to finally have her lying there beside him. He always wondered what it would be like for them to sleep side by side, to know that she was there for him to reach out and hold. And hold her he did. He never realized that she slept so soundly, so peacefully.

They had been facing each other, and he searched her face, taking in every line and curve, every freckle, every perfection. He would lean in occasionally, kissing her gently, being sure not to wake her up. In time, she had flipped over in her sleep, and without hesitation, he slid his arm around her waist, snuggling up close to her back. He rest his head in her neck, closing his eyes and breathing in. After only a moment, he drifted into sleep, his whole body relaxing when it came in contact with hers.

And there they lay, Brian holding her in his arms, wanting to hold on forever.

~~~~~~~

Leslie walked down the hallway, unknowingly smiling to herself. She had woken up in Brian’s arms, loving how safe and warm she felt pressed up against him. She could tell that he was sleeping soundly, his breathing steady, his chest rising and falling against her back. She had glanced up at the bedside clock, shocked to see that it was already 7 in the evening. She had been with Brian for 7 hours and yet it only felt like she had just gotten there.

She had gently reached down and picked up Brian’s arm, sliding out from under him slowly and carefully. He had stirred but did not awaken, to her relief. She got off the bed, beginning to gather her clothes that were thrown about the room.

She padded toward the couch, reaching for her purse. She dug through it, pulling out her cell phone, immediately noticing the 8 Missed Calls. She sighed, flipping open her phone to see that all 8 were from Nick.

She looked back at Brian’s sleeping figure sadly. Nick hadn’t left any messages, which she knew he wouldn’t. He wanted to talk to her personally and not say what he needed to say to a voicemail.

She quietly slipped on her clothes and made her way around the bed. She bent down and kissed Brian’s cheek. He stirred and rolled on his back, looking up at her through sleepy eyes.

“Hey love,” she cooed.

He smiled and she leaned down and pressed her lips against his, “I have to go.”

He had nodded, looking at her with understanding, yet reluctance. She had promised him that she would see him the next night and with those words, he let her go, more relieved than he had been.

Now here she was, walking through the hall in a daze, lost in thoughts of Brian, in thoughts of his kisses.

“Hey baby girl,” AJ and Howie walked down the hall towards her and she stopped, looking up at them a bit in confusion at first. They were both carrying bags and the smell of food wafted from them. Howie raised his bag, “We went and got Chinese food, want some? We got enough to feed an army.”

Leslie shook her head, though her stomach grumbled when he had said Chinese food, “No thanks guys.”

“You okay?” AJ asked. She looked at him puzzled, “Do I not look okay?”

“You look amazing actually, just a bit disheveled,” Howie noted.

“Disheveled?” she asked, raising her hands to touch her hair.

“You’re working that sex hair girl,” AJ teased.

Leslie tugged at her ponytail, allowing her locks to fall over her shoulders. She ran her fingers through it, trying not to act so obvious. She lied, “I fell asleep in the girls’ room. We were watching TV.”

He knew that the girls’ room meant the girl dancers, and both him and Howie nodded. Howie joked, “Must have been a pretty boring show.”

“You know it,” she smiled. “But I should get going. Enjoy dinner.”

They waved as she made her way back down the hall, rounding the corner before coming to her and Nick’s room. She had forgotten about her and Nick’s fight, until now. As she dug through her purse for the key, all memories of that morning rushed back to her. Nick had walked out on her, completely exasperated with the situation. Nine hours later, he was bound to be back.

She slid the key in the door and waited for the green light to blink before she pushed it open. She immediately noticed that the lights were off, but a faint glow was coming from in front of her. She closed the door and set her purse to the side, tentatively walking into the room, noticing the lit candles spread out.

The suite’s chairs and couch were swept off to the side and in their place sat a small table, decorated with fine china, candles, and red rose pedals. She stopped in her tracks, staring at this display, unsure of what was happening. She turned when Nick’s voice broke through the silent room, saying her name. He stood by the bathroom entrance wearing a nice baby blue button down shirt and a pair of black slacks. He held a single red rose in his hands, and he looked at her sadly.

“Nick-“ she began, turning back to the table.

“I’m sorry,” he said, approaching her. “I’m sorry for acting like a jerk this morning. I’m sorry for not listening to you. I’m sorry for yelling at you. I’m sorry for walking out on you. I’m sorry, for everything.”

She looked up into his big blue eyes. His voice was sincere and hopeful. She sighed, grabbing the flower he held out to her.

“Nick, you didn’t have to do this,” she said quietly.

“I did though Leslie. To prove to you that I’m sorry. To prove to you that I care.”

“You don’t have to prove anything Nick,” she sighed. She was silent for a moment and he watched her, waiting. She opened her mouth to speak once more, “This is very sweet of you.”

She moved towards him and he immediately wrapped his arms around her. He hugged her to him closely, grateful that she was here once again. He knew that she was angry as hell with him and he only made it worse by acting like an immature idiot. He had called her constantly, not expecting her to answer, but hoping all the same. He didn’t know what else to do, but surprise her with a dinner, to soften the animosity between them both.

He pulled back and looked down at her, “We can go to Colorado for Christmas.”

“But do you want to Nick? Because I don’t want to go some place you don’t want to be.”

“No, I do want to go Leslie. I know it means a lot to you. It was just a lapse of judgment on my part to buy those tickets. I want to go, I swear.”

She searched his face, not completely sure on the truth in those words. Was he really telling the truth or was he just saying it to appease her so she wouldn’t be angry anymore? She wasn’t even that angry, just hurt.

She decided not to push the subject, not having the energy or the desire to argue anymore. The fact was he set up a romantic dinner, and with her long afternoon with Brian, she was in no place to call him out on anything, when she herself was guilty of other things. Worse things.

She nodded as a way to let him know that she was over everything and he smiled, leaning down to kiss her gently. He pulled back and grabbed her hand, leading her to the table, “You hungry for Mexican?”

She looked at him oddly, “We’re in France. They don’t even know what Mexican food is. How did you get it?”

“I pulled a few strings, printed out a few recipes for the cooks downstairs. They thought I was crazy, but I wasn’t about to let them tell me no. I know it’s your favorite food.”

She smiled, touched at the lengths he went for her. She reached up and kissed him lightly, “Thank you Nicky.”

“I love you,” he replied, squeezing her hand.

She stopped, unprepared for his words. She licked her lips before she responded, “I love you too.”

He smiled lightly at her before he led her to her chair, pushing her in before he himself sat down. They spent the rest of the night talking, and when Nick made a move to intensify their evening, he was surprised at being turned down, saying she was too tired. He had nodded all the same, believing her exhaustion when she hit the sheets, immediately falling asleep. For this reason, he felt no bitterness or worry. He only thought that she was exhausted from their day, of her worrying, sadness, and anger. If he had only known she was exhausted for reasons entirely separate from those. But, as the saying goes, what he doesn’t know, won’t hurt him.

But then again, it was only a matter of time before he did know, before he did get hurt.

All I need is a bitter song
To make me better, much better
All I need to write is a bitter song
To make me better, much better
~Bitter song by Butterfly Boucher

It had been over a month since Leslie and Nick’s first fight and all was seemingly well, in every aspect. The tour was going well; sold out shows across the world, adoring and loyal fans everywhere they turned. They’ve been everywhere, from Italy to Finland, from Sweden to Ireland, to now Japan, where they had 3 shows to do in 3 nights. It was only early November, the last show due at the end of March, which would end their US tour in Florida. Either way, everyone was having the time of their lives.

Brian and Leslie met whenever they could, which was more often than they both had expected. They met where possible, be it his room, or hers, if Nick wasn’t there, from private pools to laundry rooms, from backseats to showers and Jacuzzi’s, and even once, an elevator. They couldn’t get enough of each other, and their passion never subsided. They felt alive and exhilarated. They felt at peace when they were with one another.

They had been lucky, not once getting caught and not once being questioned, but they knew that their luck would soon run out, though they never spoke of it to one another. They were having an affair. Flat out, truthfully, an affair. Leslie was cheating on Nick, and Brian was cheating on his fiancée Leighanne, and they both felt out of control with the entire situation. Their guilt increased with each kiss and with each heated embrace, but they couldn’t stop. They cared about each other, deeper than they were willing to admit, but they were too afraid to leave the ones they were with. Too afraid to see if what they had was real. But through these inner battles, they were realizing the pain they were unknowingly putting their loved ones through, but with each kiss and with each look, these thoughts all but washed away.

Nick had begun to see Leslie’s detachment more significantly day by day and wondered what he had done for her to pull away like she has. However, he would forget his worries whenever she’d smile or kiss him. She had an affect on him that no other woman had ever had. He was putty in her hands, and she didn’t seem to realize that. She was his everything, but he knew deep down, though he didn’t want to admit it to himself, that he wasn’t hers.

He couldn’t explain where she would go at night for hours on end, or why she’d disappear at the oddest moments to suddenly reappear an hour or two later, looking happier and more radiant than she had when she left him. He wondered what would make her so happy, wanting to do this same thing himself. He couldn’t remember the last time he had made her smile the way she did when she would walk back to him, shrugging off her whereabouts when he would ask where she had gone.

Cheating never crossed his mind for whatever reason. Maybe it was because to him, she really could do no wrong, that she wasn’t capable of such betrayal, but also because the thought was too painful to even touch upon. The woman he loved cheating on him? No, to him, that wasn’t possible. Not even a little.

And so he left it alone, pushing his worries aside, embracing her smiles and her kisses, her words of affection and even her empty ‘I love yous’. Even though she said those words, he was beginning to realize that there was no meaning behind them. He cared but little because she was still his, and he justified it by thinking that maybe he had rushed into that step. He knew she cared about him, he could see it in her eyes and how tenderly she would touch him. He saw it in her smiles and how she took care of him when he needed it. He knew she would love him, eventually, but it didn’t stop him from wanting to hear those empty ‘I love yous’ because at least it was something. At least he could grasp onto those words and make believe that they were true. He loved her and she was his and that’s what mattered. He thought that if he could love her hard enough that she would eventually love him back.

AJ on the other hand was beginning to suspect more and more. He had caught Brian and Leslie looking at one another the way friends shouldn’t more times than he could count. He had seen the way Brian would touch Leslie delicately or the way Leslie would sometimes mouth things to Brian that would cause him to grin like a damned fool. AJ tried to read her mouth when she did this, but whenever he caught them doing it, she was already nearly done with whatever it was she was saying. But to top of off, he couldn’t read lips worth a damn.

He had mentioned his fears to Howie and Leigh before she left back for California. They both laughed and shrugged it off, saying it was impossible with Brian engaged and Nick and Leslie seemingly so in love. AJ wouldn’t accept this however, knowing from so many other occasions that his gut was usually right. But he was in no position to confront either of them with no real proof. To accuse someone of adultery, not to mention one of your best friends and band mates, reeked of trouble. But then again, he couldn’t see Brian doing anything remotely this stupid. He was a Christian man, a sensible and compassionate man, and to AJ, Brian wasn’t capable of doing something that could put his friendships and his career on the line. And so he sat back and waited, watching closely, wishing and praying that his suspicions were only the work of a tired mind.

Leighanne on the other hand had been hearing rumors. Turns out AJ wasn’t the only one noticing odd things between Brian and Leslie, especially the dancers who were on stage during the concerts. They saw the way Brian would look at Leslie as they danced, and the way he moved his hands over her in ways that weren’t befitting the choreography. They noticed this because they were there from the beginning, in the background, watching the progression of their shy and tentative, respectful dancing, to a more and more passionate and emotion filled display. The girls especially would talk about them, though no where near Nick or around anyone that would go to Nick, in respect for his feelings in case they were wrong, but they told their makeup and costume stylists.

Unfortunately, the costume stylist, Chelsea, had been a friend of Leighanne for many years. She had been the Backstreet Boys’ stylist since the beginning and therefore knew Leighanne and her relationship with Brian from the get go. She had heard these rumors, and unable to contain herself, had informed Leighanne on the phone over what she had been hearing.

Leighanne was stunned at first, hurt and angry, more so with Leslie than with Brian. Her and Brian talked on the phone every other day or so from the first day she had left, and he sounded fine, being as attentive as he always had been, asking how she was, how the shoot was going, what was new. He’d tell her he loved and missed her before they hung up and she believed him. They were getting good again, or so she thought. But then only a few days ago she had heard from Chelsea and each time she talked to Brian she waited and listened, hoping to hear some faint indication that not all was well. She was frustrated, finding nothing different or faltering.

She convinced herself that if these rumors were true, it wasn’t Brian who was to blame, but Leslie. To her, Leslie was now a conniving, heartless bitch, who had somehow conned Brian into having relations with her. She was terrified that through his misconceptions and blindness that he would leave her. She had already had a taste of life without Brian, vividly remembering their fight and his desire to stop planning their wedding until further notice. She knew then that she would do anything, anything, to keep him for herself. In her mind and her perfect world, she was going to marry him and spend the rest of their lives together, side by side. She was bound and determined to get back to him as soon as possible and figure out if what Chelsea was telling her was true. And if it was true, she would take desperate measures to keep him with her. She would go to great lengths to have him not leave her. She would do anything. Anything.

Both Leslie and Brian were in a different world however, a world they themselves created. A safe nook for them to escape to where they could be with one another, talk, laugh, make love, do everything best friends do but more. Though they didn’t want to admit it to themselves, they were falling in love, if not already. They were in deeper than they thought they’d ever go, and consequences were not too far ahead because of it. There would be jealously and anger, yelling and fighting, but all because they had developed feelings far beyond what they had initially intended. They were in love and they just didn’t know it yet. It would take an unusual amount of pain before either one of them realized this, but realize it they would, because love can’t be bottled up. Love is meant to be shown to all the world. It’s only a matter of time before it explodes.

~~~~~~~

“My God, you’re impossible,” Brian laughed, trying to position Leslie’s fingers over the correct chords.

She laughed as well, “I’m sorry, last time I checked I played the piano, not the guitar.”

“You’d think with how utterly amazing you are at playing that instrument, you’d think this would come easy,” he replied. She smiled at him, sticking her tongue out. He pointed his finger at her, “Now pay attention.”

“Yes sir, Brian sir,” she mocked seriously. He laughed, “Leslie, come on.”

“Alright, alright, I’m listening,” she gave in.

He took her fingers and positioned them out, “Okay, strum.”

She did as she was told and he nodded once in satisfaction, “Okay, that’s a C.”

She strummed again, looking at her fingers, “Okay, C. Now what?”

“Remember E? Play that one,” he replied.

She stared at him blankly, “Um…”

He sighed exasperated, throwing his hands in the air, “Leslie, I showed you E only a minute ago!”

She laughed at his reaction, “I’m sorry, but this clunky thing in my lap and my fingers having to go all over the place, it’s complicated!”

“Clunky thing? How dare you call it clunky!” he exclaimed playfully. She giggled and he laughed, “Alright sweetheart, we don’t have to do this.”

She looked at him apologetically, “I’m sorry love. Besides, look at the bright side, if I were to have been brilliant at the guitar, what would you have to impress me with?”

He chuckled, “That’s all that impresses you?”

“Well, I could think of a few others things,” she teased.

He grinned, moving closer to her, “Oh, a few other things…”

He nearly brushed his lips against hers before he suddenly heard the handle on his hotel door rattle. They both turned to look, puzzled. When the door swung open, both of them jumped up off the couch, Leslie holding the guitar by its neck. They stared in disbelief as Leighanne rolled her luggage in.

She stopped and stared at the both of them, before smiling, “Hi.”

Brian stepped forward, hesitant. He swallowed hard, looking back at Leslie, catching her eye for a split second before turning back to Leighanne, “Leigh, I didn’t know you were coming.”

“I thought I’d surprise you,” she replied.

He stepped forward, wrapping her in a hug. Leslie shuffled her feet, unsure of what to do. Her heart was racing in her chest, afraid that Leighanne would think something was off. She tried to avoid eye contact but locked eyes with Leighanne anyway. She was unsure of what she saw there, but she knew she didn’t like it. Brian pulled back to look at her, “It was a surprise. I’m happy you’re here.”

Brian reached over to pick up some of her bags, following Leighanne further in the room. Leighanne continued to speak, glancing at the guitar in Leslie’s hands, “Did I interrupt something?”

Leslie stumbled over her words, “No, we were just, um, Brian was just…”

“I was teaching her to play a few chords. She knows how to play the piano and I was just curious to see how well she’d do at the guitar,” Brian jumped in.

Leighanne looked between the two of them, and then to Leslie, sizing her up, “I see. And?”

“And?” Leslie asked, her nerves clearly getting the best of her.

“How’d you do?”

Leslie’s eyes widened in realization, and she secretly wanted to kick herself for acting so foolish, “Not so hot now that you mention it. But um, I guess I’ll leave you guys to it. Ya’ll haven’t seen each other in so long.”

Leighanne nodded, watching as Leslie softly put Brian’s guitar down and moved towards the door. Brian glanced at her, smiling lightly, Leslie returning the same smile, “Bye Leigh. Bye Bri.”

“See ya later Leslie,” Brian said nonchalantly.

When Leslie closed the door behind her, Leighanne perked up, immediately going to Brian and throwing her arms around him. He was taken aback at first, not expecting this gigantic display. He hugged her all the same, kissing her cheek.

“So the shoot’s over?” he asked.

She pulled back and planted a kiss on his lips, smiling, “Yep, and it went fantastic. They start editing in a few days time.”

Brian watched as she moved away from him, flipping one of her suitcases on its side and unzipping it. He replied, leaning back on the couch, crossing his arms, “Well I can’t wait to see it. You probably did wonderful.”

She smiled back at him as she rummaged through her clothes, “Thanks baby. But what have you been up to?”

“Just shows, interviews, photo shoots, fan signings, you know, the usual stuff.”

“Sounds exhausting,” she laughed, finally finding her make-up bag and whipping it out.

Brian agreed, “It is, but it’s fun.”

“Yeah, I’ve been hearing how much fun you’ve been having,” she said, glancing at him.

He wondered what she meant by that, but disregarded it anyway, “Just like always.”

She stood up and walked over to him, sticking her bottom lip out, “Did you miss me?”

He eyed her carefully, noticing her odd behavior, unsure of what to say or do. So he did what he would normally do. He smiled and kissed her lightly, “Of course I did.”

She slid her hands around his stomach and hugged him, her chin resting on his shoulder as he held her. She glared at the guitar sitting on the couch, wondering what secret conversations it has heard and what sinful acts it had seen.

Brian’s heart had sunk in his chest when Leighanne had entered the room. It was unexpected, for sure, but he hated how his time with Leslie had been ruined. He had forgotten that there was life still going on outside of their own world and he had been violently torn away from his beloved escape. But he would have to deal. This probably was for the best anyway. Having Leighanne back could make him focus and maybe get over his obsession with Leslie, because let’s face it, he had been alone. At least whenever Leslie and he parted, she had Nick to go home to, and he had no one, but now Leighanne was back and she could become his buffer. He could only hope that good things would come of it, but he knew that even in these first few minutes with her that it would be hard. All he felt as of then was dread.

You will never know true happiness
until you have truly loved,
and you will never understand
what pain really is
until you have lost it.
~Anonymous

Leslie stood with her legs spread apart as she bent forward, flattening her palms on the floor. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, feeling the muscles in the back of her legs stretch. Music blared through her ear buds, the fast paced rock pumping her up.

She took another breath and counted to five before she walked her fingers towards her right foot, counting to five once more before moving towards her left foot. She straightened herself out again and pressed her left hand against the wall to steady herself as she brought her right leg up towards her head.

The rest of the dancers around her stretched in their own ways, some talking to each other, others listening to their iPods, siking themselves up for that night’s show. They had only 15 minutes left and their nerves were beginning to kick in. One thing they could all agree on was that no matter how many times they’ve been on stage, they still all got butterflies in their stomachs. It was more excitement than anything.

A knock sounded at the door and only a few dancers turned their heads in curiosity to see who had interrupted their rituals. Brian stood in the doorway in full costume, his microphone already hooked up, “Is Leslie here?”

Michael, one of the male dancers closest to the door, nodded, jerking his head towards the back of the room. When Brian looked to where he indicated, Michael looked across the room, meeting the eyes of several of the other dancers. They all smirked, trying to hide their unspoken knowledge.

Brian spotted Leslie, her eyes closed, stretching. She made no indication that she had heard anything. He crossed the room, feeling eyes boring into him. He lightly touched Leslie’s shoulder and her eyes snapped open, meeting his. She looked shocked to see him, quickly removing her ear buds, “Hi.”

“Can I talk to you outside for a moment?” he asked quietly. He glanced behind him at some of the dancers, immediately noticing their stares. Some quickly looked away, while others stared knowingly.

“Sure,” she said, following him across the room into the hallway. He led her further down, turning into a corridor that was nearly empty, only a few stage hands running past.

Leslie had followed him, knowing full well what he wanted to talk about. Ever since Leighanne had come back, she hadn’t gone to see him. In fact, she’d been avoiding him. She had a feeling that Leighanne was hiding something and it made her nervous. It was in the way Leighanne looked at her and in the way she spoke to her. But what really bothered her was seeing both her and Brian together. She had stupidly forgotten that he had another woman in his life, a woman that had him first. She was so wrapped up in what they had that she had blocked everything else out. She forgot that he cared for Leigh, and she was rudely awakened to this fact by seeing them being openly affectionate with one another. It hurt her, as much as she hated to admit it, and though she tried to tell herself that she was being a petty, irrational girl, she still had become angry and bitter.

She was pissed off to say the least. She was pissed off at Brian for rubbing it in her face that she wasn’t the only woman in his life. She was even more pissed off that she even allowed herself to get angry over something that was out of her control. Why should she care that Brian and Leighanne were together? She had Nick didn’t she? She knew her feelings were stupid, but they wouldn’t go away.

“What is it?” Leslie asked as Brian came to a stop further into the corridor. She glanced around nervously. Brian sighed, taking Leslie’s hand and kissing it. She pulled back slightly, “Brian, don’t. Not here.”

He eyed her carefully, lowering his voice, “Why have you been avoiding me?”

“I’m not avoiding you,” she said shortly.

“Oh really? I must be blind then. You ignore me whenever I try and talk to you, you look the other way when I get near you, and you haven’t come to see me in over a week. If that’s not avoiding, then I’d love to know what the hell it is.”

Leslie shrugged, not wanting to discuss this at the current moment, not when they still had a show to do. She averted her gaze and heard him sigh heavily, “I’m going crazy Leslie. I need to see you.”

She looked up at him, “Leighanne’s here Brian, how can we?”

“Is that it? Is that why you won’t come to me?” he asked, grabbing her hand again, trying to pull her closer to him.

She looked back up at him, shuffling her feet nervously. When he had touched her, she felt her anger budge slightly, but she fought to contain herself, hardening her demeanor once more, “That’s not the only reason.”

“Then what? You’ve barely talked to me, let alone looked at me. I miss you,” he pleaded.

She shook her head, “Maybe we shouldn’t do this anymore.”

He stared at her dumbfounded, “What? Leslie, what are you talking about?”

She looked at him sadly, “I see how you are with her. You love her.”

He didn’t respond, looking at her eyes as they began to sting with tears. Where was this coming from? They were fine, more than fine, until Leighanne came back. Since then, they hadn’t been alone together. Not only that, but Leslie was flat out avoiding him. She wouldn’t talk to him, and if he acknowledged her, she’d only respond with what was necessary. She just seemed to stop, with everything.

He was confused, frustrated, and antsy. He didn’t know what he had done to deserve a cold shoulder from someone he had grown so close to. He had tried getting her alone several times to talk, but each time would fall through. Now here he was in Brazil, right before a show, not being able to concentrate. Leighanne had watched him as he paced back and forth in his dressing room, not saying anything but watching. Brian had finally sighed, saying he needed to get some air, and left in search of Leslie.

“You kiss her and hug her. You tell her you love her, all right in front of me. You call her baby,” she whispered harshly, glancing at a stagehand as they rushed behind her. She emphasized the word ‘baby’ as if using it with Leighanne was disgraceful. She continued softly, “How do you think that makes me feel?”

Brian narrowed his eyes at her, “What do you want me to do Leslie? I can’t just push her aside and act like we aren’t engaged.”

Her eyes were watery at this point, “I don’t like seeing you with her.”

Brian shook his head, in disbelief that this conversation was even happening, “And I like seeing you with Nick?”

She didn’t respond, so he continued, unable to stop the anger growing within him, “I’ve had to deal with seeing you and Nick everyday since the tour started. How is this any different?”

“I don’t know Brian!” she burst.

Brian was taken aback by her sudden outburst, looking up and down the corridor worriedly. He turned back to her, lowering his voice, “I don’t like this anymore than you do, but it is what it is.”

A few tears slipped from her eyes and she quickly tried wiping them away. Brian softened at this and stepped towards her, only to be met with her stepping back, “I can’t do this, not anymore. I won’t be that woman.”

Brian’s heart stopped at these words and his mouth went dry, “What woman?”

She shook her head, more tears falling from her eyes. She sniffled, trying to not look him in the eye, but being drawn to him anyway, “I’m not a whore.”

Brian furrowed his eyebrows, looking at her concerned, “Leslie, you’re not a whore. You’re a wonderful, caring woman.”

She continued to shake her head, “I can’t do this. I can’t do this.”

Brian sighed, taking her into his arms. She let him, weakening. She allowed him to hug her closely, having missed his warmth. He leaned his head against hers, “Don’t do this, please.”

She pulled away from him then, forcing herself to not give in to his soft embraces, “Don’t.”

“Don’t what?” he asked desperately.

“Act like everything’s okay.”

He stared at her, not knowing what to say. He was unprepared for all of this. He didn’t know what to do. She sighed, frantically wiping away her tears. Her anger had returned, her voice shaking, “I hope you’re happy with her.”

She began walking down the hall and he quickly moved after her, grabbing her arm and making her turn to him, “I’m happy with you Leslie!”

She flinched, his words triggering something in her that she was trying to contain, “You sure don’t act like it!”

Brian cried out desperately, throwing his hands in the air in frustration, “What the hell do you want me to do!? I don’t understand where this is coming from!”

Leslie had tried to contain herself, knowing full well that now was not the time to lay out everything she was feeling, but with Brian standing there before her, anger clearly getting the best of him, she couldn’t contain herself. She spat, “Her! She hangs all over you, all the fucking time! It’s disgusting. And you let her! You encourage her! She walks around flaunting that gorgeous ring and I hear her boasting about how she forgot how good you are in bed! And then you walk in and hug her and kiss her and compliment her, all in front of me!”

“You do the same damned thing with Nick! But do you see me getting bent out of shape over it? No!” he exclaimed. One of the roadies had stopped in his tracks and stared at the two yelling people in the hallway. Brian saw him and snapped, “What are you looking at!?”

The man quickly looked away and scurried down the hallway. Brian turned back to Leslie, her face filled with anger.

She continued lowly, her voice shaking, “If it doesn’t bother you, then why are you bringing it up now?”

Brian groaned, clenching his fists, “You started this, not me!”

“We both started this!” she yelled. “You want me to come to you after you blatantly ignore me!? You want me to just let all of this roll off my shoulders like it doesn’t bother me, all because you want a good fuck!?”

He flinched at those words, significantly lowering his voice, “It’s not fucking Leslie. Not with you. It’s more than that and you know it!”

“I don’t care! You practically spit in my face every time you kiss her in front of me! If it means so much to you, then why would you willingly try to hurt me!?”

Brian was pacing now, sighing heavily. Leslie stood a few feet from him, her arms crossed over her chest. She glared at him, not saying anything, waiting. He stopped, looking at her angrily. After a few moments of them staring each other down, Brian exclaimed exasperated, “She’s my fiancée!”

She narrowed her eyes, repeating what he said, “She’s your fiancée. So what am I?”

Brian stumbled over his words, so overcome with frustration that he couldn’t think straight, “You’re…you’re…”

“Just a girl?”

“You’re Nick’s girlfriend,” he said lowly.

She nodded, clearly hurt by his words. Is that all she really was to him?

She nearly whispered, choking up, “That’s right. I’m Nick’s girlfriend. Not yours.”

“Not mine,” he said more quietly, letting those words sink in. His anger was dissipating, though it still sizzled. He didn’t like finally admitting to himself that Leslie was indeed not his. She belonged to someone else.

They stared at each other for a few more moments and were interrupted by loud announcements of ‘5 minutes!’ ringing throughout the corridors. They never once tore their glaring eyes away from one another, until finally, Leslie rolled her eyes, turned on her heel, and walked away.

Brian didn’t stop her.

~~~~~~~

Brian looked out to the dance floor from their booth in the VIP section. Lights were flashing, music was blaring, the bass pounding through the air. The place was packed and the heat generated from all the bodies was nearly stifling. He could see AJ out grinding against one of the girl dancers, only a friendly dance he knew.

Leighanne had opted out of coming, for she was never into clubbing, or dancing for that matter. Brian wasn’t sure why he had come out. He knew he wanted to try and get his mind off of his fight with Leslie, but how could he when she was here with Nick? He cursed AJ under his breath, wondering why he had given in to his pleas to come with.

“What?” Howie glanced at Brian, taking a sip of his beer.

Brian turned to him, “What?”

“I thought I heard you say something,” he shrugged.

Brian shook his head, turning his attention back to the dance floor. He scooted out of the booth and made his way to the railing, glancing down at the dancing bodies only a foot or so below him.

He spotted Leslie then across the room with Nick. Brian looked at them puzzled, not expecting the sight before him. They were standing near the bar and they were clearly arguing, at least that’s what it looked like. Nick’s face was obviously contorted in anger and Leslie was busy yelling, her hands gesturing wildly. She pointed to the dance floor in the midst of their interaction and he grabbed her arms, shaking her slightly, yelling back. She pushed him off and he yelled something after her as she pushed through the crowd to get away from him. Nick threw his hands in the air in frustration, shaking his head. He grabbed a beer off the bar and pushed his way through the dancing bodies, towards the VIP section. Brian watched him carefully, following him as he climbed the few stairs, passing the body guards.

“Fucking hell,” he growled, running his hand through his hair as he approached Brian.

“What was that about?” Brian asked curiously.

Nick leaned against the railing next to Brian, raising his eyebrows, “You saw that?”

Brian nodded and Nick sighed, shaking his head, “She’s gone mental Rok. She was screaming at me about dancing with some chick on the dance floor.”

“Well were you?”

“Was I what?” he asked in confusion.

“Were you dancing with some chick?”

“Yeah, but what does that matter? She left me on the floor to go to the bathroom, and some girl started dancing up on me, so I just went for it. It didn’t mean anything. She came up and dragged me off the floor, yelling about how she can't trust me and how she's obviously not enough for me. It's like she caught me cheating or something. It's fucking ridiculous."

Brian turned his gaze back to the dance floor, knowing full well why Leslie had snapped at Nick the way she did. The fact that she was already angry only shortened her fuse, but the fact that she was already feeling insecure and betrayed when it came to men, seeing Nick with another girl had probably been too much for her.

“Where’d she go?” Brian asked, searching the dance floor.

“Who the hell knows. She’s fucking PMSing, so I’m leaving her the hell alone,” he grumbled. He turned and made his way to their designated booth, sliding in next to Howie, grabbing one of the shots that were in the middle of the table for the taking.

Brian turned his attention back to the mass of dancing bodies, trying to spot a head of blonde hair and the glint of a red dress. Finally, he spotted her, and his heart jumped into his throat at the sight before him. She was dancing to the pounding music of DJ Tiesto, her body moving to the beat. She threw her arms in the air, rolling her hips, her movements seductive and sexy. She looked gorgeous, that much was obvious, but that’s not all that caught his eye. He was staring at the man next to her, his hands roaming over her. She danced up on him, grinding her hips against his.

Anger and jealously immediately boiled within Brian. Was this how she was going to be from then on? Was dancing up on some guy for shock value her way of getting back at him and Nick? She knew what she was doing. She knew that it would piss him off, and that angered him even more.

He pushed away from the railing and rushed down the few stairs past the body guards. He pushed through sweaty, heated bodies, squeezing in between dancing couples, anger driving him through to get to her. He found her then, the man standing behind her, his hands on her hips. The look on his face would have been comical if it had been any other girl, but right then it only infuriated him more. He stepped forward and grabbed Leslie’s arm, yanking her away from the guy. The man stood there in disbelief, staring after them. Leslie looked at Brian shocked, being dragged through the dance floor. He held her upper arm tightly, plowing through.

He broke through the mass of bodies and swung her forward, pushing her in front of him to the spot he had seen her and Nick yelling before. She grabbed her arm where he had grabbed her and she looked at him in shock and anger, “Brian, what-“

“What the hell are you doing!?” he yelled.

She didn’t say anything and he grabbed her again, pulling her towards the wall. She yanked back her arm, screaming, “Get off me!”

He pushed her against the wall, yelling at her, “What the hell are you doing out there!?”

She glared at him, “Why do you care?”

“Because you look like a slut! You’re embarrassing yourself!”

She pushed him, “What right do you have to tell me what to do!?”

“Don’t push me Leslie,” he growled.

She pushed him again, looking at him in a mocking manner. He shook his head, clenching his jaw. She then pushed him again, and then again, her eyes beginning to overflow with tears. He snatched her hand when she went to push him again, “Stop it!”

She yanked her hand from his and he continued, “Have some fucking dignity for crying out loud! You’re making a fool out of me! You’re making a-“

“I’m not yours!” she screamed. He stopped and stared at her, dumbfounded. She pushed him again and he let her, “I’m not your girlfriend! I’m not yours to push around and yell at! I’m not yours to boss around! I’m not yours, so stop acting like I am!”

He stood there, the music blaring in his ears. He could feel the vibrations of the music through his body, but what he really felt was the aching in his heart. Her words had hurt him.

“I’m not yours!” she repeated, tears streaming down her face. She pushed past him and he let her go, not looking after her. He looked down at the floor, letting her words sink in. She was right. What right did he have? It wasn’t his place.

He felt embarrassed for what he had just done, kicking himself for letting his jealousy and anger get the best of him. She really wasn’t his. She was Nick’s. It didn’t really hit him how much he hated this fact until then.

He had been foolish and reckless, allowing what had come to pass this night, both at the arena and here, to overcome his rational. He had let his feelings get the best of him, losing his self control. He realized then that he cared for her more than he had initially thought. He had never gotten so angry over a girl before, had never gotten so jealous. He never even thought he was capable of such strong emotions, but at the same time, he wasn’t surprised. Leslie always brought something out of him that no one else could.

As he stood there in that heated club, the music blaring, people pushing past him, it finally dawned on him. She was everything to him. She was everything but his.

You have stolen my
You have stolen my
You have stolen my heart
~Stolen by Dashboard Confessional

Brian pressed his forehead against the cool window of the SUV, his eyes closed. He felt the hum of the car beneath him, calming him steadily. The car was full, yet silent. He could feel AJ twitch next to him, knowing that he was uncomfortable squished between him and one of the bodyguards, Ray. He could hear Howie in the backseat breathing heavily, a few snores escaping him now and then. He was clearly not bothered by Nick and Leslie’s quiet bickering next to him. Their whispers filled the car, though they tried to keep to themselves. They were failing miserably.

It was 3 in the morning, and they had all had a rough night, what with Brian and Leslie fighting, to Nick and Leslie, to Howie drinking just a little too much, and AJ never once leaving the dance floor in the 4 hours they were there. They were all exhausted to say the least.

Brian tried to concentrate on the humming of the engine, attempting to block out the harsh whispers coming from behind him, the whispers that had been unrelenting for the past 20 minutes.

“How many times do I have to say it?” Nick asked quietly. Leslie replied in a dull tone, saying the same thing she had been saying for the past few minutes, “We’re not doing this here.”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Nick babbled, exasperated. “Is that enough? Do you need a few more? I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. How about now? Is that good enough?”

“We’re not doing this here Nick,” she whispered again harshly.

“Then where? I’m tired as hell and you won’t talk to me. You’re being a brat,” he spat. Brian’s ears perked up at those words and he had to stop himself from turning around to say something in her defense.

“I’m not being a brat. I’m trying to be the adult here. There are people all around us Nickolas, they don’t need to hear this.”

“Don’t call me that. You know I don’t like it, and who cares if they hear it, they’ll be hearing about it tomorrow anyway.”

“Oh really, and why is that?”

Nick was quiet for a moment before he spoke up again, “Don’t try and change the subject.”

“I didn’t realize that’s what I was doing,” she said nonchalantly. He heard Nick groan in frustration and Brian suddenly felt bad for him. He had personally been on the receiving end of many angry women in his lifetime and none of them were pleasant experiences. Women were unrelenting and brutal if you pushed them hard enough.

“Baby, for the love of God, I said I was sorry, what more do I have to do?” he pleaded.

“It’s not about saying sorry Nick. It’s about trust. You were practically groping the girl and she was groping you right back, and you sure as hell weren’t trying to push her off. I was gone for only a few minutes and I come back to that. If you would do that with me there, what would you do if I wasn’t?”

Brian’s head clouded with puzzlement. He understood why she was angry, but her justification was hazy. She was talking about trust and what he does when she’s not there, but she fails to take into account that she was the one cheating on him, with Brian no less. He didn’t think that was fair of her, even though he was clearly in the wrong as well.

“It was nothing!” he burst. Howie stirred at the sudden raised voice, but then quickly went back to breathing heavily. Nick continued quietly, obviously having stopped at Howie’s sudden movement, “It was nothing Leslie. I don’t do that shit ever. I don't even look at other girls. I love you for crying out loud.”

He heard Leslie sigh, almost in defeat. They were quiet again until Brian heard the sound of a kiss. Nick spoke up again, “Are we okay or do I have to grovel some more?”

He heard Leslie let out a soft laugh and knew that Nick had given her one of his famous pouting looks. He knew then that she had definitely given in to him, “You promise it won’t happen again?”

“I promise a thousand times over,” he said quickly. Brian couldn’t help but roll his eyes, wishing for the week to finally be over, praying for Thanksgiving to arrive so he could put his mind elsewhere.

~~~~~~~

The Next Night

“You want anything from the vending machine?” Brian asked, looking at Leighanne as she read a book from the bed. She lowered the book, glancing at him, “No baby, but thank you.”

“You sure?" he pushed. She nodded, smiling at him, "I'm sure, but thanks."

"I’ll be right back,” he announced. She nodded again and went back to reading her book. He glanced at her one more time before he grabbed the room key and a few dollars from his wallet. He walked out into the hall, quietly closing the door behind him.

His muscles were tired from that night’s concert, but he was still wound up. He had attempted watching some TV in the hopes of calming down, but he couldn’t get his mind to stop running. He and Leslie hadn’t spoken since the night before at the club, and their performance together that evening had been awkward at best. Not talking to her was eating away at him, but he didn’t want to push it, afraid of her pulling further away from him.

He walked out into the deserted, quiet hall, making his way towards the elevators. He took a left when he got there, walking down another long hallway until he came upon the opening of the vending machine room. He stopped in the opening, surprised to see Leslie standing in front of the snack machine, her back facing him. He hadn’t expected anyone else to still be up, and he debated if he should turn and walk away. He thought it cruel that she’d be the one standing here out of everybody.

Brian stepped back as she bent down to grab a bag of chips from the dispenser. She wore a white tight tank top and matching boy shorts, which forced him to swallow. He felt desire burn within him and he tore his eyes away, turning to leave.

“You stalking me?” her voice rang out. Brian froze, turning to see her standing there uncomfortably, the bag of chips resting in her hands. She smiled at him lightly and he relaxed a little bit, stepping forward into the room, “Sorry, I didn’t know you’d be here.”

She shook her head, “I couldn’t sleep so I decided that stuffing my face would be the next best option.”

He smiled at her sarcasm, watching as she averted her gaze from him nervously. He took her lack of hostility as a good sign. She stepped foward, "Well, goodnight."

Brian suddenly blurted out, not wanting to miss this rare opportunity of having her alone. He surprised even himself at his forwardness, “I’m sorry Leslie.”

She looked back up at him, stopping in her tracks. He continued, “For hurting you. I didn’t know.”

“How couldn’t you?” she asked quietly. He sighed, staring at her sadly, “I don’t know. I think deep down I did, but I didn’t stop to think about what I was doing. I was trying so hard to show everyone that Leigh and I were normal, and that there’s nothing going on between you and me that I got caught up in that charade. I didn’t mean to hurt you Leslie. I didn’t. You have to know that.”

She eyed him carefully before contributing, “I know."

Brian sighed in relief, smiling at her, "And I'm sorry how I reacted at the club. I shouldn't have grabbed you like that and-"

She shook her head, "No, you were right to do that. I was embarrassing myself and being a typical immature girl. I'm glad you stopped me."

He welcomed her smile and she looked down at the chips in her hands, the crinkling meeting both their ears. She bit her lip, speaking up once more, "I’m sorry too."

She looked at his reaction before continuing, "I acted like a jealous girlfriend when I had no right to. I was being stupid. You’re with Leigh, I get that, and it’s not my place to get angry with you over it.”

He grinned at her, "Should we just both admit we were being stupid and move on from this? Especially with Thanksgiving coming up, I can't go knowing that you're angry with me. I hate it."

She smiled at him lightly but then turned more serious, “Move on where?”

He got closer to her and he felt encouraged by how she didn’t step back. He ran his hands down her bare arms, and he felt her shiver, “To how we were.”

She searched his face, her eyes full of worry, “But should we?”

He shook his head, looking down at her beautiful face, “No, we shouldn’t, but I know that won’t stop us, will it?”

“No,” she whispered. He rested his hands on her hips and moved forward, pressing her up against the wall. She made no move to escape from under him or to push him back. He raised his hand to brush a strand of hair away from her face and she closed her eyes as his fingers gently touched her cheek.

“I missed you darlin’,” he soothed softly. He felt her frame relax at his words and he smiled, happy that he had gotten the reaction he wanted. With that, he leaned in and kissed her.

~~~~~~~

A Few Days Later

Thanksgiving. Brian loved this time of year, for he knew that Christmas would just be around the corner. Of course, being in South America, Chili to be exact, where it was summer instead of winter was a big change, but he felt the spirit of the Holidays all the same.

The guys had a couple days off and were free to fly back home if they so chose, but instead, they all thought it would be a cool idea to rent a house on the beach and celebrate it together. Both Rachel, AJ’s girlfriend, and Leigh, Howie’s girlfriend, had flown in to join in on the festivities, and even to their delight, Kevin and Kristin decided to come along as well. It was going to be a nonstop party with close friends and a much wanted break from their hectic tour schedule.

They had decided to all dress up and have a non-traditional dinner, that is, dinner without a turkey. To their utter surprise, Chili's supermarkets, if that's what you wanted to call them, didn’t sell turkeys. They hadn’t stopped to think about the cultural differences, but they compromised just the same, deciding on chicken and steaks, and after scouring many stores and markets, they had found enough stuff to make some of the traditional sides.

Now here they all were, together and seemingly happy. It was already 7 o’clock and the moon was out in its full glory, not a cloud in the sky blocking the sparkling stars. The boys were outside huddled around the grill, drinking beer (In AJ’s case, a coke), and watching Kevin as he flipped the steaks and seasoned the chicken. The girls on the other hand were inside, having already set up the table and finished preparing the sides. They were now waiting on Kevin, but they each found their own way of spending their time.

“You can’t be serious,” Kristen raised her eyebrows in surprise. She stared at Leighanne in disbelief at what she had just told her. Leighanne took a sip of her red wine, glaring at Leslie across the room, “I’m dead serious.”

Kristen followed to where Leighanne was glaring, noticing Leslie standing over by the island in the kitchen, chatting up Rachel and Leigh. This was the first time she had met Leslie and she had been blown away at how beautiful and vibrant she was. She had heard from Kevin that Nick had a new girl in his life, but she had been skeptical, knowing that Nick tended to have his meaningless flings before ultimately moving on. She knew when she met Leslie though that she wasn’t just a fling. It was obvious Nick adored her, and she seemed just as attentive, so when Leighanne had told her of the rumors she’d been hearing about Brian and Leslie, she was flat out shocked.

“I don’t see it,” Kristen shook her head. Leighanne looked back at her, “You have to. Just look at her. She thinks she’s some sort of Goddess, with the perfect body and the perfect hair and the perfect face. Who does she think she’s fooling?”

Kristen eyed Leighanne, surprised at the bitterness there, “Brian loves you Leighanne, why would he cheat on you?”

Leighanne sighed, taking another drink of her wine. Kristen continued, “Have you actually caught them doing anything?”

Leigh shook her head, for the first time realizing that her hatred towards Leslie was really only based on faith and hearsay.

“Then what are you going on about? Brian would never do such a thing. And Leslie seems like a very nice girl.”

Leighanne let out a harsh laugh and Kristin sighed, not knowing what to say or do, "Have you talked to him about it? He'd want to know."

"Of course not. I don't want to get in another fight with him."

Kristin thought that maybe if she had Kevin talk to her, she’d change her views. Kevin had informed her a few months ago of Brian’s request to stop planning the wedding, and she had been surprised at first. She knew that Leighanne was probably going through a hard time, feeling both insecure and angry with that sudden development. Kristin believed that it was these feelings that had forced her to lash out at somebody that didn’t deserve it. Kristin didn’t think for a second that what Leighanne said was truth. If it had been anybody else, then maybe, but Brian? No, not possible.

Kristin took Leighanne’s hand and squeezed, “Lets go walk down the beach, get some air.”

Leighanne gave in, knowing that if she didn’t get out of the house she just might end up doing something irrational. Whenever she got enough alcohol in her, it was unpredictable in what she would do.

Leslie watched as Kristin and Leighanne exited onto the back porch. She had caught the way Leighanne had been glaring at her, and it had left her uneasy. She and Leighanne hadn’t said more than three words to each other since she had come back on the tour, and it was beginning to really freak her out.

“Does Nick have any weird habits?” Rachel inquired. Leslie turned to her, snapping out of her thoughts, “Does he what?”

“Weird habits in bed. Like AJ makes this face when he’s going for it,” Rachel then squinted up her face, pursing her lips. Both Leslie and Leigh laughed, and Rachel smiled, “It makes me laugh every time, but he gets mad, so I gotta keep the giggles to a minimum.”

Leslie shook her head, laughing, “No, no weird habits.”

“I find that hard to believe,” Leigh said. “Even Howie’s got one. He doesn’t like to talk.”

“At all?” Leslie asked.

Leigh laughed, “At all.”

“That has to be hard,” Rachel added. Leigh shrugged, “You get used to if after awhile.”

“But how boring!” Rachel exclaimed. Leigh poked Rachel in the arm roughly and Rachel laughed, batting her hand away.

“What are we giggling about?” Nick asked, walking into the room with a plate full of steaks. They all stopped giggling and watched as he set the plate down. He glanced at them, “Apparently it’s top secret.”

“We’re just talking,” Leslie shrugged. Nick came up and slid his arm around her waist, squeezing her gently. He kissed her cheek and grinned at the other two girls, “About how sexy we all are?”

“Actually, about your guys’ weird sex habits,” Rachel pointed, letting out another laugh at Nick’s expression. Nick looked down at Leslie and she stared at him sheepishly. He asked, “What did you say about me?”

She looked at him shocked, “I didn’t say anything!”

Both Leigh and Rachel had broken out into laughter and Nick grinned at Leslie, “Seriously, what did you say?”

“I didn’t say anything, I swear,” she laughed, taking a sip of her wine.

“Well maybe I should tell them yours,” he teased. She nearly choked on the wine, covering her mouth, which only sent Leigh and Rachel into another fit. Leslie swallowed what she had in her mouth and pointed at Nick, “Don’t you dare. Not like I have any anyway.”

He raised his eyebrow, leaning on the island, “No?”

She shook her head, smiling at him, “Nope.”

He then turned to Leigh and Rachel, opening his mouth to speak. Leslie dove at him, her hand muffling his voice as it covered his mouth, knowing full well what he was about to say, “Shut up Carter!”

He laughed as she hit him playfully, not resisting her pushes out of the kitchen. He waved to Rachel and Leigh as Leslie shoved him out, “Bye ladies!”

He grabbed Leslie’s hand when they were free of the kitchen and pulled her to him, laying a big kiss on her lips, “I was only teasing baby. I love you.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” she grumbled, turning to enter the kitchen again. She yelped when his hand collided with her butt, and heard him chuckle as he escaped through the back door before she could do anything back to him.

She shook her head and went back into the kitchen to see Leigh and Rachel smiling goofily at her. Leslie stopped and looked at them strangely, “What?”

“You two are adorable,” Rachel gushed. Leslie rolled her eyes and walked the rest of the way towards them. Leigh laughed, “Seriously, you are. Ya’ll are good together.”

“Well, thank you,” Leslie said, unsure of how else to respond.

“So what was he going to say?” Rachel asked curiously, picking up a couple of black olives from the vegetable tray and popping them into her mouth.

“Nothing,” Leslie said innocently.

“Uh-huh,” she replied. Leslie smiled and welcomed the change of conversation as Leigh spoke up, asking what they were going to do the following day.

Meanwhile, Nick closed the patio door behind him and walked back over to the rest of the guys. AJ turned to him, handing him back his beer, “What are they doing in there?”

Nick took it gratefully, taking a quick swig before responding, “Doing what girls do best. Talking and giggling.”

“They drunk already?” he asked.

“They’re getting there,” Nick laughed. Howie looked concerned, “Maybe we should go tell them to stop. It’s not a good idea before dinner.”

Howie went to set down his beer but Kevin stopped him, “Let them be. They’re fine.”

Howie nodded hesitantly, watching as Kevin plopped the last of the meat onto a plate. Brian grinned, his stomach growling, “Finally, let’s eat already.”

A Few Hours Later

“So I was helping him down the stairs, but Nick being Nick, not wanting to seem less of a man than he really is, told me to let him do it himself, and so I did. He got to the last step and his feet got tangled in each other and WHAM! He hit the ground so hard,” Kevin laughed heavily, his hand holding his stomach. Everyone at the table laughed with him, the alcohol running through their veins having loosened them all up.

Though AJ had not had a drop, he still felt the same happiness and relaxation due to the lighthearted atmosphere. He would have to try not to laugh hysterically, because everyone else’s laughter was just that infectious.

“Howie was there too, you remember?”

Howie nodded, wiping away tears from his face. Kevin continued on with the story, “So Howie and I were laughing up a storm, trying to help Nick up off the ground, but failing because we could barely function ourselves. When he finally gets up, he stumbles a little, sees this girl walk past and lurches at her, trying to use her to steady himself. He’s totally unfazed that he had just done a face plant in the cement…”

Kevin paused to take another drink of his beer, laughing, “He accidently grabs her boobs and she flips out, screaming and slapping him. He’s yelling at her to stop, and she all of a sudden kicks him in the nuts, and WHAM! He’s on the ground again.”

The table was howling with laughter and even Nick joined in, though he was clearly embarrassed, “Man, shut up! It was my 21st birthday. I had a right to be that plastered. And the bitch was crazy.”

Leslie giggled, “How was she crazy? Some random drunk off the street grabs her boobs and she’s supposed to be okay with that? Good for her for defending herself.”

“Baby, please,” he huffed. “If you had this gorgeous man grabbing at you, you’d have to be crazy to hit him away.”

The table erupted again and Leslie rolled her eyes, giggling, pushing Nick slightly as he tried to grab a few kisses from her.

Howie then dove into another story concerning him and a man in a chicken costume singing 'My Girl' at him at 4 in the morning, all because Nick was in a pranking mood. Brian tuned out, using this as an opportunity to excuse himself. He turned to Leighanne, “I’ll be right back.”

“Where you going?” she asked. He got up from his chair, “Bathroom.”

She nodded and turned her attention back to conversation at hand. Brian left the loud room, making his way through the house. Leslie had noticed him leave, and had glanced at Leighanne, happy to not have received another dirty look from her. Ever since dinner had started and ended, she seemed to be in higher spirits, and this calmed Leslie, allowing her to loosen up more than she would be willing to before.

"Shut up Howie, you know you liked it!" Nick exclaimed. Howie grabbed a muffin out of one of the baskets on the table and pelted it at Nick. Nick flew his arms up, blocking his face as he laughed. Howie yelled back, "It was obnoxious! How much did you pay him anyway? He didn't leave until 3 hours later. Do you know how awful it is hearing a guy sing 'My Girl' over and over again for 3 hours straight outside your window? It was like nails on a chalkboard."

Nick cackled evilly, "Only a hundred and fifty."

"Seriously?" Howie asked. Nick nodded and Howie cursed.

Leslie giggled at the two bickering men, but noticed Rachel reaching across the table, snatching up wine bottles. She groaned, lifting up and shaking the few wine bottles strewn about the cluttered table, “Crap.”

Howie was still chattering away animatedly, everyone else still focused on the rest of his story. Leslie glanced at the rest of the wine bottles, noticing that they were empty as well, “We have a few more don’t we?”

Rachel nodded, “I think so.”

Leslie moved to get up, “In the pantry?”

AJ then stopped her, “I’ll go. Don’t worry about it.”

Leslie insisted, “No, it’s okay, I’ll go and get them. I need to stand anyway. Been sitting for too long.”

AJ nodded in hesitation, sitting back down in his chair, “Alright.”

Leslie smiled at him and got up, kissing Nick on the cheek before she left the room. She wasted no time walking towards the kitchen, then through it to the hallway that led to the large living room. She was eager to get back to the table, wanting to hear other stories, fully enjoying her time with the people around her.

She finally stopped at the pantry door and opened it, switching on the light. She had been astounded the first time she had looked in here, noting how huge it was in comparison to the ones she was used to. She walked in, the door snapping shut behind her, immediately searching the shelves on all the walls. Food was everywhere, and she chuckled, remembering how out of hand the guys had been when they went shopping. They had bought enough to feed a small army.

She finally spotted the wine bottles up on the highest shelf and she stood on her tippy toes, reaching for them carefully. She nearly screamed when she felt hands slip around her waist. She fell back, the arms around her tightening. She spun around to come face to face with a grinning Brian.

“What are you doing in here?” she asked, smiling.

“I was coming back from the bathroom and saw you come in here,” he said. “What were you trying to get?”

“The wine,” she responded. He looked up to where she had been reaching and stepped forward, reaching up his hands and grabbing them with ease. He turned to her, “These ones?”

She nodded, “Those would be the ones.”

She went to take them from his hands but he pulled them away. He grinned at her, “What are ya gonna give me?”

Leslie laughed, “I have to pay for the wine?”

“Yep, it’s costly,” he joked. She smiled at him slyly, setting her hands on her hips. She narrowed her eyes, “What do you want?”

He set the wine off on another shelf and approached her, “Well…”

He grabbed her waist and pulled her to him, immediately kissing her. She laughed against his mouth, “Are you crazy? Everyone’s outside.”

He smiled at her, “They won’t notice. Kevin will keep them busy for hours with his stories. Plus, they’re all drunk. It’s perfect.”

He kept giving her light kisses as he walked with her towards the back wall of shelves, pushing her up against them, “Besides, I’ve been dying to kiss you all night. You in this little black dress and your strappy heels… it’s sexy as hell.”

She laughed, letting him give her soft kisses down her neck. She gave in, “We have to make it fast,” and then quickly added, “And quiet.”

He kissed her lips again, smiling, “The fast thing I can’t guarantee and the quiet thing? That’s all you sweetheart.”

“Shut up,” she giggled, his lips enveloping hers. He reached down and picked her up, her legs automatically wrapping around his waist. They stopped talking then, and went to work doing the one thing that they had sinfully done a hundred times before.

Meanwhile, everyone else was busy laughing and listening to different stories that each person had to offer. They were all having a great time, not even noticing that two people were missing from their party. Leighanne hadn’t even noticed that Brian hadn’t come back yet, and Nick was too busy telling a story that he hadn’t noticed Leslie’s long absence either.

AJ on the other hand, free of alcohol and already suspicious of the two of them, had clearly noticed. He glanced down at his watch, noticing the time slip by; 5 minutes, 7 minutes, and then finally 10. AJ was growing antsy, having been pulled out of the lighthearted atmosphere, his mind clouding with dark thoughts.

When a few more minutes passed, AJ leaned in and whispered to Rachel, “I’ll be back in a sec. Gonna see what’s taking her so long.”

She nodded absentmindedly, barely noticing him as he got up to leave the table, so wrapped up in what Nick had to say. He took this as a blessing, and made his way from the dining hall to the kitchen, to finally the pantry. The pantry door was closed and the hallway was dark, completely deserted. He went to turn the knob and opened the door slowly. He was puzzled to see the light off, knowing that Leslie was supposed to be in here finding wine.

He groped the wall, trying to find the light switch. As he did this, he heard noises coming from in front of him, of quickened breathing, of clothes rustling, of quiet voices. When he finally found the switch and flipped it on, he was stunned to see what was before him. He stopped immediately in his tracks, his eyes widening, his mouth falling open. He blinked, wondering if it were a hallucination. He blinked again, and then again, but still the same scene lie before him in all it's horrible glory.

Brian's back faced him and he was holding Leslie up against the back shelves, his head nestled against her neck. Leslie’s legs were wrapped around Brian’s waist, her right arm reaching up, her hand grasping the side of the shelf behind her to help steady herself. He had seen Brian thrust into her right when the light illuminated them. Leslie's head was cocked towards the ceiling, her expression was of pure ecstasy. But when the door slammed behind AJ and the light had jarred them out of their actions, they both stopped, frozen. Leslie stared at AJ wide eyed from over Brian’s shoulder.

AJ stood there in complete disbelief at what he saw before him, completely at a loss of words, gaping at the both of them.

“Oh my God,” he heard Leslie whisper. It took a few moments for Brian to spring into action, but finally he did, gently setting Leslie down. She pushed down her dress frantically, quickly snatching up her underwear from the floor with her shaking hands. Brian had glanced to see who was standing there, his heart racing in his chest as he buttoned up his slacks. When he made eye contact with AJ, he could feel the disappointment, shock, and anger emanating from his friend, and he looked away, ashamed.

Leslie shuffled behind Brian, maneuvering to slip her panties back on, and AJ continued to stare, his face flushed, and his hands clenching. He was rigid, unable to move or to think past what he had just witnessed.

Silence enveloped the three figures, until finally Brian broke it, his voice shaky, careful, “Aje…”

Brian stopped, gulping. He was scared shitless. He couldn’t believe what was happening. He had been a moron to believe that they wouldn’t be caught. Why had he done this? He blamed most of it on the alcohol, his inhibitions and rational completely thrown out the window, but he knew he couldn’t push all blame on that. He had to take responsibility. He was an idiot who couldn’t contain himself, and now one of his best friends stood before him with a look of complete disgust on his face.

AJ finally shook his head in disbelief, talking to himself more than anybody, “I didn’t want to believe it. I kept telling myself that it couldn’t be true.”

Brian felt Leslie grab his arm from behind and squeeze, her way of telling him that she was terrified. He made no move to comfort her, though he would have in a heartbeat, afraid of what AJ would do.

“AJ, please…” Brian croaked. AJ’s eyes flashed with anger and he snapped, “What the fuck are you thinking?”

Both Brian and Leslie flinched. AJ swiftly moved towards Brian, “Are you out of your fucking mind!?”

Brian swallowed hard, saying quietly, “I must be.”

“You have to be!” he exclaimed. He turned and made his way to the pantry door, but stopped, wanting to say more, “You know Bri, I used to look up to you. I saw the man you were and set my standards to how I should be, and I know you're not perfect, but I never, never would have thought you’d sink this low.”

He waited for Brian to respond, but got nothing but a frightened face. Leslie tentatively stepped forward, wringing her hands, “You aren’t going to tell, are you?”

AJ flashed his eyes towards her and she stepped back fearfully. She looked away, his eyes unsteadying her. He said softly, “Why would you do this Leslie?”

The change in tone in his voice forced her to look back to him. He stared at her with sadness and disappointment, “Why?”

She licked her lips, grasping at words that didn’t want to form. She shook her head, unable to respond. He watched her, finally shaking his head, “No, I’m not telling.”

Both Brian and Leslie looked at him in shock. Leslie asked quietly, “Why?”

“Because it’s not my place,” he responded. AJ was still in shock, unable to say what he would have really liked to say. His mind was in overdrive, trying to comprehend that what just happened was real.

“Thank you,” she breathed, tears stinging her eyes.

“Don’t you dare thank me,” he said harshly, jabbing at her with his finger. She flinched and he continued, “Don’t you dare. I’m not doing either of you a fucking favor. I’m not thinking of you, but of them.”

He then jabbed towards the door, referring to everyone outside, “I’m thinking of them and how hurt they would be. I’m thinking of the tour and the fans and the people we employ."

He glared at both of them, spatting, "I’m not even comprehending thinking of you!"

Brian’s fear still overcame him, but now he was fighting back tears, his eyes burning, “Bone…”

“I’m gonna go,” Leslie whispered.

AJ moved out of the way, opening his arms to motion towards the door, “Be my guest.”

She hesitated, but then grabbed the two wine bottles from the shelf, carefully moving past AJ as if he would suddenly lash out at her. Brian watched her go, seeing her sad eyes lock with his before the door closed behind her. AJ turned back to Brian then, swiftly making his way towards him. He grabbed the collar of Brian’s shirt and shoved Brian back. He slammed into the shelves and he winced as pain shot through his back.

AJ raised his fist and Brian made no move to stop him, but stared up into AJ's face in acceptance. AJ stared down at him in anger, his hand raised, ready to be slammed into his face.

“Why?” AJ asked angrily. He raised his voice a bit, “Why!?”

Brian allowed AJ to shake him, welcoming this punishment. AJ yelled, "Why would you do something so stupid!? How selfish are you!?"

AJ's frustration grew, his arm still raised, poised, ready for action. He was waiting for Brian's response, and he was annoyed that he wasn't getting one. He exclaimed, "Why!?"

Brian gulped and finally said softly, “Because I love her.”

AJ hadn’t expected that answer and he blinked, his hand faltering in the air, his grip loosening around his neck. Brian repeated, his voice dry, “I love her AJ.”

Brian was shocked that he had said these words as well, allowing them to sink in. The words had slipped out without a second thought, but he knew what he had said was complete truth. Finally admitting his true feelings empowered him slightly, relief washing over him as he accepted these words. He loved her.

AJ let go of him, shoving him back, his hand dropping from the air. AJ paced, letting out an exasperated laugh, disbelieving this entire situation. Brian watched as he did this, waiting, nervous. AJ finally turned to him, shaking his head, “Then why are you still with Leigh?”

Brian took this opportunity, frantically wanting to explain himself, “Because I didn’t expect for this to happen.”

AJ let out another harsh laugh, but Brian hurried to continue, “I care for Leighanne Bone, I do, but I didn’t know where Leslie and I were going. I was terrified to do something, afraid that I’d end up with nothing in the end, that I’d end up with no one. When Leigh and I started having problems, I felt trapped and alone, and Leslie was there. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. It really wasn’t. It just got so out of control. I’ve tried stopping, but I can’t. I fell for her, but I’m afraid to tell her, and I’m afraid to tell Leigh, and Nick, and the whole world, knowing that there’s going to be major consequences. I didn’t expect us to go this far.”

“How long has it been going on?” AJ asked.

“Almost 3 months,” Brian said, watching AJ carefully. AJ let out a heavy sigh, shaking his head, “Brian, man…”

Brian quickly continued, “I’ve been an idiot, I know. I’ve been selfish, I know. I’ve been everything you can imagine, but I’m happy.”

AJ hadn’t expected that last word, and Brian saw this, “I’m happy, happier than I’ve ever been in my entire life. Leslie, she’s an amazing person Bone, you know that. She’s brought fun and laughter back into my life. She’s brought back passion and excitement.”

Brian searched AJ’s face for some sort of reaction, but AJ only continued to stare. Brian sighed, “I know no matter what I say won't change how disappointed you are, but I can’t say that I regret what I’ve done, cause I’d be lying. I’m not proud of how I’ve handled this AJ, but I didn't know how I could have done it otherwise. I have so much pressure on my shoulders all the damned time, what with the tour and Leigh and my parents, that I went out on a limb and did something I would have never done otherwise.”

AJ sighed, his anger slowly dissipating. They stood in silence for a few moments before AJ asked quietly, “You love her?”

Brian nodded, worried of what AJ's next move would be, though he was surprised at AJ's change in emotion, “Very much.”

AJ sighed again, looking towards the pantry door before turning back to him, “You have to tell Leigh, or end it with Leslie. You can’t go on doing what you’re doing. You can’t have both of them Rok.”

“I know,” Brian said, seeing AJ’s demeanor soften, relief washing over him.

“You’re my brother man and I love you, you know that, but I can’t support you in this. I won’t.”

“I understand,” Brian responded. AJ looked at him sadly, “Nick will kill you if he ever finds out.”

Brian heard the resounding truth in this and he swallowed hard, “I know.”

“So you’ll understand that I won’t hold him back if and when that time comes,” AJ added. Brian nodded slowly and AJ continued, averting his gaze, "We better get back."

Brian followed AJ reluctantly, his nerves still running ragged. When he took his seat next to Leighanne, letting the laughter of the table surround him, she looked over at him, “Where have you been?”

“AJ and I were just talking in the hall,” he responded, smiling lightly. She smiled back, kissing him lightly, accepting his word without a second thought.

Brian looked across the table to Leslie, who was sitting there with a forced smile. It faltered when her eyes met his. She still looked scared and he smiled at her, trying to let her know that it was okay. As much okay as it could be anyway. He caught AJ’s eye then as well and he quickly grabbed the beer in front of him, gulping down as much as he could.

He knew that AJ was angry as hell with him, but he also knew that AJ wouldn’t betray him as much as he may want to, and for that, Brian was grateful. AJ had wanted to beat him down in the pantry, and Brian had wanted him to because then at least he would have felt some sort of punishment for what he’s done, because then at least maybe he’d feel better about what happened.

AJ was right though. He couldn’t have both Leigh and Leslie. He had to choose, but how could he when the woman he wanted was with someone else? How could he when he didn’t know where she stood or what she wanted? And even if she did leave Nick, how could he be with her knowing that his best friend hated him?

No, he couldn’t do it. He had to stay with Leigh. It was the only safe option, the only rational option. Course, if looked at from a different angle, it was totally irrational to stay with someone you weren’t sure you wanted to be with.

Brian glanced at Leslie from across the table, watching her scared and worried smile. He fought the urge to reach out to her, to bring her to him and whisper in her ear that he loved her over and over again. But he wouldn’t. He couldn’t tell her. What if she didn’t feel the same way? But he knew that wasn’t what really held him back. He couldn’t do that to her. He couldn’t put her in a more complicated position than she already was in, knowing that it would hurt her. He couldn't because he loved her.

He's more myself than I am.
Whatever our souls are made of,
his and mine are the same.
~”Wuthering Heights” by Emily Bronte

“Check, one, two,” Nick breathed into the microphone. The speakers screeched and his voice echoed. Everyone flinched, looking towards the sound booth. They saw the three men behind the controls, waving at them to stop using their microphones.

Rehearsals were always annoying for the boys because they had to constantly wait for the kinks to be worked out. Most of the time the boys just stood around, wasting time and being goofy, waiting to be told what to do next. By the time they really got down to rehearsing, a couple hours have already passed by.

AJ crouched down, his microphone held loosely in his hands. He closed his eyes, hearing Nick pound on the top of his microphone, his way of trying to be funny and annoying. Brian sat up on one of the stage platforms that held the drums, swinging his legs back and forth, looking up and staring at the ceiling a little too intently. Howie was on the opposite side of the stage, whistling and flipping his microphone through the air.

It had been a few days since their Thanksgiving break and they were well rested, for the most part. In AJ’s eyes, it was always nice to be on stage, no matter how tired he was. It was an adrenaline rush. It was addicting.

He and Brian had talked little since the fiasco on Thanksgiving night, more so due to Brian avoiding him than AJ ignoring Brian. AJ knew Brian was terrified of what he’d do, worried that he’d change his mind on his decision to tell Leighanne and Nick. He had a right to worry about it because quite frankly, AJ had debated it more than a few times. He wouldn’t do it though. He didn’t want to stick his head further into an already sticky situation. His involvement would only make it worse. He firmly believed that Brian would do the right thing in the end and he would be better for it. If AJ were to intervene, it would hurt things more than help them.

AJ had been watching Leslie very closely, just for the simple fact that he now felt like he didn’t know her. He had been close to her, close enough to think that she cared about Nick just as much as he cared about her and close enough to think that she would have never thought of straying from him. He was dumbfounded to say the least. She had been very quiet since he had caught the two of them and jumpy to boot.

She sat a few rows back on the arena floor, her feet up on the chair in front of her, her arms crossed over her chest. Her right hand played with the necklace around her neck and she gnawed at her bottom lip, staring off into space. She was clearly not paying attention to what was happening on stage. She was very obviously engrossed in thought.

AJ stood up and set down his microphone, jumping off the stage and walking up to her. He could hear Nick begin to beat box into the microphone and Howie groan, yelling at him to shut up.

AJ plopped down next to Leslie and she started, looking over at him in shock. When she saw who had sat next to her, fear came to the surface and she turned her head quickly, her feet dropping from the chair in front of her. He knew she was debating if she should get up and leave.

He sighed, “Why are you so afraid of me babygirl?”

She swallowed, her hands nervously rubbing the top of her thighs, “I’m not.”

“You are,” he said. He smiled at her, trying to let her know that he came in peace. She didn’t smile back.

“Are you just not gonna talk to me from here on out?” he asked. He had caught her glancing up at Nick, and AJ spoke again, “I told you that I’m not telling Leslie. I’m a man of my word.”

Her eyes met with his and he could see a hint of gratefulness. She whispered, “I’m sorry.”

“For?”

“For putting you in this position.”

He shook his head lightly, leaning into her slightly so the backup dancers scattered behind them in chairs couldn’t hear their conversation, “You know babe, I put myself in this position. I put my nose in a place where I knew it shouldn’t be, but that’s me. I let curiosity take over and that’s where it led me. I’ve been suspicious of you two for a couple months. I guess it was only a matter of time before my fears were confirmed right?”

She eyed his cautiously, hesitant in her words, “Why are you being so nice to me?”

“Because I know you’re not a bad person and I know that you didn’t do what you did just for the pure hell of it. You and Brian have always had a connection, I see that. I’m not saying I condone what you’ve done, but I can say that I understand.”

She raised her eyes in surprise and he continued, “I can’t believe I’m telling you this, but what the hell." He sighed before admitting, "I’ve loved Leigh since the moment I met her.”

She looked even more shocked, her mouth dropping open, “Howie’s Leigh?”

AJ nodded, smiling, “You can’t tell.”

She shook her head, still looking at him in disbelief, “I won’t.”

“It’s funny because before the tour started, Brian had asked me if I was ever attracted to any of the guys’ girlfriends, and I had told him about Leigh. He then asked that if she had felt the same way about me, would I have done anything about it?” AJ glanced up at the three men on the stage, Brian especially. AJ sighed, “I lied to him.”

“About what?” Leslie asked.

“I told him I wouldn’t have done anything with her. I told him that she was Howie’s girl and that I could never do that to him. It was a place that I personally would never enter. But truthfully, if she had hypothetically liked me back…” AJ shrugged and Leslie waited for him to finish. He looked over at her, a little scared to admit what he was about to say, “I would have gone for it.”

“Really?”

AJ nodded, “Yeah. I mean, what I told Brian was my way of not looking like a jackass to him, cause when he had asked me, he was still a faithful, monogamous man in my eyes you know? I told him what I thought he wanted to hear, and they were the right words to say, and they were the right actions to do for any man in that type of situation, but I didn’t personally believe in them. I love Rachel dearly, don’t get me wrong, but if Leigh were to come up to me and confess her undying love, can I really sit here and say that I wouldn’t do something about it? I would love to say no, but I’m not so sure. It’s easy to say no to something that would never happen, but if that moment were to really happen, circumstances change.”

Leslie looked unsure of how to respond, not expecting this conversation to even be happening. AJ saw this, “What I’m trying to say Leslie is that I understand. I can’t hold it against you because then I’d be a hypocrite, and I absolutely despise hypocrites.”

She smiled lightly at him, “Yeah but AJ, I actually acted on my feelings, you didn’t. Your conscience is still clear.”

“I don’t look at it like that. My wanting to do it and knowing that I would do it seems just as bad doesn’t it?” He reached out his hand and squeezed hers gently. She squeezed back, “Thank you.”

He turned his attention back to the stage, hearing scuffling. Brian was on Nick’s back, digging his fist into Nick’s head. Nick yelped, twirling in circles, trying to get Brian off of him. He heard Leslie laugh next to him and he smiled, “What do you see in those two anyway?”

“What?” she smiled, tearing her eyes from the two wrestling men.

“I’m obviously more stylish, mature, and sophisticated, and let’s not mention sexier. Why those two and not me?” he teased. She patted his leg, “I like my men goofy. Besides, you never showed any interest.”

He raised his eyebrows, “So if I had…?”

She put her finger to her lips, and glanced up at the ceiling, acting as if she were thinking. She then scrunched up her nose and shook her head, looking at him cutely, “No, you’re too much of a big brother.”

He grinned and wrapped his arm around her, squeezing her to his side tightly, “Yeah, I guess I am."

They sat in silence for a couple minutes, AJ releasing her from his hug. AJ was debating if he should really push on with their conversation, worried that he would be trekking into something he had no right butting into. He knew girls liked their own secrets. He leaned forward on his knees and glanced over at her, these thoughts running over and over in his mind. She smiled, “What?”

“Just curious,” he began, “But who do you like more?”

Her smile faltered and he quickly apologized, “I’m sorry…”

“No, don’t be, I just wasn’t expecting that.”

“Forget I even said anything,” AJ brushed it off. Leslie insisted, “It’s fine, really, and to tell you the truth, I don’t know.”

“No?”

“No. I know that must sound ridiculous, but I don’t. They’re both so different you know? But I can’t even say that because they’re still so similar. When I’m with Nick, I think to myself that I could live forever like that, and that I could move on from Brian, but then I see Brian and I’m not so sure anymore. Nick is the greatest boyfriend that I’ve ever had. He’s loving and tender, he’s romantic, and he does everything that I ever ask him and more. He’s wonderful. I know I’m fortunate to have him,” she looked to AJ seriously, trying to convince him that she was telling the truth, trying to convince herself, “I know this AJ.”

AJ replied, smiling reassuringly, “I know you do.”

“But Brian…” Leslie shook her head, looking up at the two men in her life. She sighed, “When I’m with him, my world stops. The way he looks at me…”

AJ followed her gaze to Brian and then turned back to her, her eyes sad. He could see that her eyes were stinging with tears and she tried to blink them away, averting her gaze, “Sorry.”

AJ grabbed her hand again and she looked over at him, letting out a laugh at how stupid she felt, “I’ve never cried so much before in my life. You people are a horrible influence.”

He grinned, watching her carefully wipe a couple tears away, “I’ve always had the unfortunate knack of making people cry.”

She laughed again, trying to compose herself. AJ sighed, “Leslie, you can’t beat yourself up over this. The answers will come to you in time.”

“But I want them to come to me now. I want this to be easy and to anyone else it is. It’s obvious what I should do. I’m with Nick, so I stay with Nick. Why am I even contemplating a life with a man that is already taken? It’s stupid and useless and a waste of time.”

“You do have a choice in this Leslie,” AJ comforted.

She shook her head, “I don’t feel like I do.”

He sighed, his heart going out to her, searching for a way to help her. It dawned on him then, “Which one knows you best?”

She looked at him confused, “What?”

“It may sound like that has nothing to do with anything, but you might be surprised to see that it has to do with everything.”

“I’m not following.”

“It’s simple really, which one knows you best? Which one can tell you your favorite color and your favorite book and your favorite flower and your favorite meal without any hesitation or thinking? Which one knows about your desires and dreams and helps you accomplish them?”

Leslie furrowed her eyebrows, “I don’t know.”

“Might help if you did,” AJ pointed. Leslie nodded and AJ continued, “But Leslie?”

“Hmm?”

He looked up at Nick who was frantically trying to fix his hair. Brian had a huge grin on his face, clapping Nick’s back heartily. AJ turned his attention back to her, “Nick loves you very much.”

She frowned slightly, sadness crossing her face, “I know.”

“And you have to know that he wants you to be happy, no matter what. He’d do anything for you.”

She repeated quietly, “I know,” and then continued, “AJ, I’m told constantly about how lucky Nick is to have me and how perfect we are together, and I hate it, because I know what I’ve done. I’m living a lie and I want to tell him so much because he deserves to know the truth, but I’m afraid of losing him. He’s so good to me AJ. I don’t deserve him.”

“Oh sweetheart, you deserve him,” he soothed. “People make mistakes but that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve good things in life.”

She lightly smiled at him, “I wish all people thought like you.”

“Believe me, I wish that everyday,” he joked. She laughed lightly, noticing the movement from behind her. Both she and AJ turned their heads to look, seeing the backup dancers get up from their chairs and move towards the stage. Leslie sighed, “Gotta go to work.”

He kissed her cheek, “I’m glad you’re not terrified of me anymore.”

She got up and smiled, “I am too.”

He watched as she made her way to the stage, watching as Nick made his way over, holding out his hand to help her up. He pulled her into his arms and gave her a hug, kissing her forehead before rushing to snatch his microphone from Brian. AJ stood up, smiling at Leslie as she turned to look at him. She smiled back.

~~~~~~~

That Night

Leslie sat cross legged on her hotel bed, clicking through the channels rapidly. Nothing caught her eye, but she wasn’t exactly looking. Her mind was elsewhere, AJ's words replaying over and over in her head. She kept glancing back at Nick who was sitting against the head board, a Sudoku book in his hands, a look of pure concentration etched over his face. His eyebrow was furrowed and he chewed on the end of his pen absentmindedly.

She had nearly spoken up several times in the past hour, opening her mouth and almost letting the words fall out, but she’d think about it again and decide against it, turning back to the television.

She now turned her head to look at him for the hundredth time, finally deciding to go through with it. She knew she'd get no sleep if she didn't. She quietly asked, “Nicky?”

“Hmm?” He tore his eyes away from the Sudoku to look at her, “What’s up?”

“Can I ask you something?”

“Course babe,” he waited. She bit her lip, hesitating, knowing how stupid she was going to sound. He saw the look on her face and laughed, “Baby, what is it?”

She sighed, knowing she’d just have to blurt it out, “What’s my favorite color?”

He stopped slightly, looking at her strangely, “What?”

She repeated, quietly, “What’s my favorite color?”

“Uh, pink right?” he inquired. Her nerves relaxed a little bit at his answer. She didn’t know what she had been expecting. How hard is it to remember someone’s favorite color anyway? She licked her lips and continued, “And my favorite flower?”

“Roses,” he said. She frowned slightly but he quickly corrected himself, “No, wait…” He squinted his eyes, looking at her for some verification, “Lilies?”

She nodded. He got it right, on the second try that is, and after much debate. That was better than nothing wasn’t it?

He narrowed his eyes at her, “What is this about?”

She shook her head, ignoring his questions, “My favorite book?”

“So we’re playing a game, is that it?” he asked, grinning. She sighed, “The book Nick.”

He looked at her in puzzlement, taking a few moments to think, “Um…”

She waited, giving him the benefit of the doubt. When he finally slowly shook his head, her heart sank, “I don’t know. What is it?”

He should know though. They had talked about it before, on several occasions it seemed. She quietly responded, “Wuthering Heights.”

Realization dawned on him and he smiled, “Oh yeah! I remember now. Cause it’s all dark and romantic right?”

She nodded, “Yeah.”

He smiled at her and then went to return to his Sudoku. She pursed her lips, pushing the subject further, “My worst fear?”

He looked up again, wondering why this was happening, “Spiders?”

She didn’t even care to correct him, her heart hurting more and more. She pressed on, “My favorite song?”

Uncertainty came across his face, “What is this Leslie?”

“Please answer,” she pleaded.

He looked at her concerned, but answered anyway, “Buttons by Pussycat Dolls?”

She looked at him sadly and he quickly asked for reassurance, “Right?”

She shook her head slowly, “No.”

“But you love that song,” he argued.

“I do, but it’s not my favorite.”

“Hide and Seek by Imogen Heap?” he asked. She shook her head, her heart sinking further and further into her chest. He tried again, hopeful that he’d get the right answer, “Livin’ on a Prayer by Bon Jovi?”

“Hanging by a Moment,” she finally corrected, averting her gaze from his. She had felt tears coming on and she didn’t want him to see them. She knew he didn’t get the significance of this conversation, or why she thought it would be important. It hurt her to say the least. She knew all these things about him and more, she just assumed that he would too. Course, his love for her wasn’t based on all he knew about her, but it still meant something didn’t it?

“Shit, I knew that,” he cursed. She faced the TV, breathing steadily, closing her eyes to try and stop the tears before they overflowed.

She felt Nick's fingers touch her back and he said nonchalantly, “Learn something new everyday eh?”

She nodded, smiling lightly at him, “That you do.”

“Gives us something to look forward to, knowing that we don’t know everything about each other.”

“You’re right,” she replied, grabbing the remote and switching off the TV. She stood up, taking a deep breath. She was still forcing her tears back, knowing how stupid she must look right now. She quickly looked to him, noticing he had gone back to doing his Sudoku.

“I’m gonna go downstairs for a bit. You need anything?”

He shook his head, not lifting his head, “I’m good.”

She grabbed the room key and made her way to the door, not saying another word. The closer she got to the door, the closer the tears came to falling from her eyes, and by the time she had stepped foot into the hallway and shut it behind her, they finally escaped. She raised her shaking hands to her face, trying to wipe them away.

She knew it was late and that most people were asleep already, but she needed to know. She needed to talk to Brian. And so she made her way down the hall, trying to stop the tears that had taken over.

She came upon his door and glanced up at the number. She knew Leighanne would be in there. Were they sleeping? Would they even answer? And if so, who would answer? She decided to take a chance.

She raised her hand and rapped on the door lightly, her arms crossing over her chest. She closed her eyes, praying that Brian would be there before her when the door opened. She heard rustling on the other side and clicks of the deadbolt being pulled back. She heard the door open slightly and she in turn opened her eyes. Brian stood before her in only his boxers. The room behind him was dark, and he squinted from the harsh light of the hallway. He rubbed his eyes, focusing in on Leslie.

When he realized who it was, he stepped out into the hallway, closing the door quietly behind him until there was only a crack left. He turned to her, “Hey.”

“Hi,” she returned softly. He looked at her concerned, seeing her puffy, watery eyes and her flushed cheeks. He reached out his hand to touch her arm, “What’s wrong?”

She shook her head, fresh tears coming to her eyes at his concern and tenderness, “I’m sorry I woke you up. I just needed to talk to you.”

“Of course sweetheart, what is it?” he asked, quickly glancing up and down the hall, relaxing when he found no one in sight.

“I need to ask you a few things and I need you to answer them without any questions. Can you do that for me?” she asked. He searched her face, concern still evident. He responded softly, “Yeah honey, I can do that.”

She nodded, licking her lips. She took a deep breath, hating that she had took AJ’s words to heart like she did. She felt like a fool, but now she needed to know. He stood there patient, waiting for her to continue. Finally, she asked, “Do you know what my favorite color is?”

He nodded, “Yeah, pink.”

“And my favorite flower?”

“Lilies. The pink ones, not the orange, because apparently the orange ones smell like garbage,” he replied. He crossed his arms over his chest, the cold of the hall finally getting to him. She stared at him for a moment, not expecting him to recall that useless fact. She continued, “My favorite book?”

“Wuthering Heights,” he said nonchalantly. “You said that it was the saddest love story you’ve ever read.”

She could tell that he wanted to know what this was all about, but he kept to his word and didn’t ask any questions. She felt more tears coming on now and even a few fell from her eyes. These were different tears. With Nick, she had been upset with his lack of desire to know her favorite things, and shocked that he hadn’t known the simple things that she had told him several times herself. With Brian, she was crying because she had wanted him to know nothing. She wanted him to say ‘I don’t know’ to every single question, because then he would have made this easier on her, but he did know, more than she had expected, and it broke her heart.

She raised her hand to wipe her cheeks, “My favorite song?”

He looked at her sadly, wanting so badly to know what was going on, to grab her and hug her and tell her that everything would be alright. Instead he stood there, frowning, answering her question because that’s what she wanted, and he would do anything for her, “Hanging by a Moment by Lifehouse, with Broken by Seether at a close second.”

Her heart skipped a beat in her chest and more tears fell, “And my worst fear?”

He licked his lips, lightly smiling at her, remembering that particular conversation clearly in his head. He had teased her for nearly 10 minutes when she had informed him of this, “The ocean.”

He stepped forward and touched her cheek gently, before continuing on gently, “Because you hate not knowing what’s underneath you. But also because the very vastness of it terrifies you. The unknown terrifies you.”

He paused, searching her face, tenderly wiping away her tears with his thumbs. He smiled gently, “Did I pass?”

She nodded slowly, unable to tear her eyes away from his. She felt her barriers break, her pain overwhelming her. Why did this affect her so much? She felt like an idiot. Why couldn’t he just not care about her? He was taken, untouchable, unavailable, and here he stood, the perfect man, and she couldn’t have him.

He frowned, seeing sadness swimming through her eyes, finally feeling that it was alright for him to speak, “What’s wrong sweetheart?”

She sniffled, trying to get a hold of herself. She shook her head, “Why do you know me so well? How do you remember all that?”

He looked at her as if that were a dumb question, “You told me all those things, how could I not know?”

His words made her think of Nick. She had told him everything she had ever told Brian, so why were their answers and reactions so different?

“I know you because I see you for who you are. You wear your heart on your sleeve Leslie. And I remember the things that matter. I know that you wouldn’t tell me certain things if you didn’t want me to know and remember them, but even so, I know things about you that you’ve never even once told me.”

She didn’t respond but stood there, searching his face, allowing him to tuck strands of hair behind her ears, “I know that every morning for breakfast, you drink two glasses of orange juice, no pulp. I know that butterflies and babies make you smile the moment you see them and you don’t even realize you’re doing it. I know that you hum to yourself when you think no one is looking. I know that one piece of chocolate can turn your whole day around in an instant. I know that you’d take in every stray animal if only you could. I know that rain brings you joy and that you could spend hours writing in your journal. I know that your eyes turn bluer on sunny days. I know that you love to laugh more than anything in the world.”

He paused, seeing fresh tears come to her eyes. He spoke to her gently, “And I know that when I make love to you, your world stops, just like mine.”

He sighed, smiling lightly, “I know you Leslie. How could I not?”

He stopped then, waiting for her to respond. She grabbed his hands, squeezing, and without saying anything, leaned up and pressed her lips against his. He had forgotten that they were in an open hallway, immediately embracing her. He could taste her salty tears, pressing his lips back against hers. But as quickly as she leaned in, she just as quickly pulled back, looking at him sadly.

“Okay,” she said quietly. She smiled lightly at him, still crying silently. She nodded, repeating ‘Okay’ before turning on her heel and walking down the hall. Her fingers slid from his and he found himself grasping at air, reaching for her warmth.

“Leslie, wait,” he pleaded. She hesitated, coming to a stop a few doors down. She turned to him, patient. He sighed, “You don’t need to tell me what this was all about. I know that you have your reasons, but I need to know, are you okay?”

She nodded, “I’m okay.” She then turned from him and walked away. Brian stood in the hallway, watching after her sadly as she got on the elevator. He knew that she had felt embarrassed for what had just come to pass, but he knew it was significant to her. He would have loved to know what it had meant and why she had cared so much. He would love to know why she was so upset.

If he could only see into her heart, he would see that Leslie had finally found what she was ultimately searching for. She had found her answers, but now she had no idea what to do with them.

Unfortunately, unbeknownst to both of them, Leighanne had been standing quietly, her ear pressed against the back of the door, listening to every word they said. As the conversation progressed, she had grown more and more livid. Where Leslie had found her answers, Leighanne had finally found her proof. She knew then what she was dealing with and knew that her and Brian’s relationship was in jeopardy. She didn’t want to result to what she had secretly planned, but it became all too clear to her that it was the only thing for her to do to keep Brian from leaving her.

She had heard Leslie leave down the hall and figured that it was time to rush back into bed and act like she was asleep. She heard Brian quickly come back in after a minute or so and slip under the covers, keeping his distance from her. She could tell that he lied there for hours before slipping off to sleep and she secretly wished to beat Leslie senseless for interfering with their once quiet and normal life.

Leighanne had decided that she wouldn’t mention what she had heard to anybody, including Brian. Instead, she would act like nothing was different, and continue to be the best fiancée that she could be. Doing anything otherwise would put her plans in danger. Doing anything otherwise would push Brian away.

But the funny thing is, if her plan didn’t work out perfectly, she knew he’d leave her in an instant anyway, for the lie that she planned on telling him was more terrible than anything she had ever lied about before. She was about to do something that she could never turn back from, but as was said before, she would do anything, anything, to keep him as hers, and only hers.

What can I do, to make you mine?
Falling so hard, so fast this time
What did I say, what did you do?
How did I fall in love with you?
~How Did I Fall In Love With You? by Backstreet Boys

Brian stood before his large hotel room window that looked over Buenos Aires. It was dark and the sparkling lights of the city greeted him happily. He stood there, his right hand resting against the cool pane of glass, his other hand lying idly against his side. His face was scrunched up in stress and worry, his features telling anyone that looked that he was deep in thought.

The days seemed to be melting away, his life moving forward at a speed that he had no control over. It had been over a week and a half since that night with Leslie in the hall, her tears ever still fresh in his mind. He had seen her alone only once since then. They had specifically gotten together to talk when Leighanne had used the day for shopping. They had planned to discuss where they would go from here, but with them, talking never lasted long. With Leslie so near, Brian couldn’t control himself. He found himself kissing her in no time, and she in turn could not bring herself to push him back. They knew they should stop, knowing that they had already been caught and it was only a matter of time when someone else found out, but they couldn’t help it all the same.

Brian closed his eyes and recalled her soft skin against his, her sweet voice that filled his ears. He had held her in his arms afterwards, cherishing that rare moment when they didn’t have to leave each other immediately. He remembered how right she felt in his arms, lying there next to him, her steady breathing accompanying his. He remembered her words. She had turned her head up to lock her eyes with his and had asked softly, “Do you want to be with me?”

He had searched her face, not expecting her to ask that particular question. He had slowly nodded, but had left it at that. She also did not push the subject, feeling that her question and his answer were sufficient enough to get the point across. They knew that it was finally time to move forward.

Brian heard Leighanne rustling behind him and he turned, swallowing hard. He had been building up the courage the past couple of days to finally end it with her. He had come to realize that he and Leighanne were a shadow of their former selves, their relationship no longer containing the passion and love it once had. He was unhappy, and with Leslie’s single question, he had made the decision to finally do something about his life. He knew that she wanted to be with him as much as he wanted to be with her, so what was the point of continuing living a lie?

He wanted Leslie, more than anything, but to be with her, he would have to leave Leighanne. He knew his parents and hers would be disappointed and ashamed, but he had ceased to care. He had come to see that as long as Leslie was with him, he would be okay. He would be happy.

He watched as Leighanne brushed her long wet locks and found himself hesitating. He didn’t want to hurt her, but it was unfair to keep leading her on like he was. In his eyes they were over, and there was nothing she could say or do that could change his mind. He cared for her, but he didn’t love her, not the way she wanted him to anyway.

“Leigh, I need to talk to you,” he finally stated. Her hand faltered as it made a downward stroke through her hair. His tone struck her significantly, telling her that he was both serious and nervous. She knew what he wanted to talk about the instant the last word escaped his lips. She knew it because she had been waiting for it to happen. He was finally going to leave her.

She licked her lips and took a deep breath before turning to him, knowing that now was the time to execute her plan. She put on a smile, “I need to talk to you too.”

He was puzzled, not expecting this to happen. He had perfectly planned what he would say and had pictured an ideal reaction from her. They were already off track from what he had envisioned.

“About what?” he asked. She set down her brush and tightened the robe around her before walking over to where he stood. She grabbed his hand and smiled, “I think you should sit down for this.”

He only stared at her, wondering where this was going. He allowed her to lead him to the couch, both of them sitting at once. Leighanne reached over and grabbed Brian’s hands, squeezing tightly, “You want to go first?”

He wished to get this over with so he could run to Leslie to tell her his news, but curiosity was getting the best of him. He shook his head, “You can.”

She sighed happily, “Well, I know you’ve been stressed. You’ve been working nearly everyday and getting barely any rest and I see that.”

He didn’t respond as she paused. She had wanted to get some sort of reaction. When she saw that she wasn’t getting any, she continued slowly, knowing that he would be angry, “And so, for the past couple of weeks, I’ve taken the liberty of planning the rest of our wedding, not wanting you to worry about it.”

His brow immediately furrowed and he stumbled over his words, “Wait, wha-“

She quickly interrupted, “I didn’t want you to stress over it. I know you had wanted to take a break from planning and we did. I just thought it was time to get on with it and to get it out of the way. I only have a few more things to do, but we’re set.”

He shook his head, speechless. This is definitely not what he had seen happening. She saw the shocked look on his face and leaned forward, planting a kiss on his mouth, “I knew you’d be happy.”

This statement tore him from his shock, “Leigh, wait. Why would you do this? You didn’t even talk to me about it.”

She eyed him carefully, her heart pounding in her chest. She debated inwardly if this was the right thing to do. For a split second, her rational took over, asking her if she really wanted to be with a man that didn’t want her back. She quickly shook the thought away, telling herself that he would fall for her again in time. She refused to give him up.

She bit her lip before saying slowly, “Because something’s happened. Something wonderful.”

“What in God’s name could have happened for you to go on doing something without consulting me?” he asked, anger beginning to fill him as his surprise began to dissipate. Of all the things she could have told him, this was one of the most unexpected, or so he thought.

“I did it because I knew you’d want the wedding to go on after you found out,” she stated.

“Found out what?” he asked forcefully. She paused, deliberately causing tension to fill between them. She relished the few moments when he waited, his anger rising more and more as he saw her calm and happy features. She smiled lightly and squeezed his hand gently, before continuing softly, “I’m pregnant.”

It felt like a ten ton boulder had slammed into his stomach. He felt like he couldn’t breathe, his chest immediately tightening, his stomach clenching. He felt the color wash from his face and his skin go cold. He felt like vomiting. He gaped at her, in complete and utter astonishment, “What?”

“I’m pregnant,” she repeated.

He blinked, shaking his head slowly at first, but then faster, his disbelief apparent. This couldn’t be happening to him. Not now, not when he was about to get back control of his life. Not when he was about to break up with her to be with the woman he truly loved.

“How?” he asked, tearing his hands away from hers and standing up, his fingers tugging at his hair. She laughed lightly, “What do you mean how?”

She stood up, sliding her hands around his hips, pulling herself close to him, “We’re having a baby Brian. I know this was unexpected, but it’s great isn’t it? We’ve always wanted children.”

“Yeah, but a few years from now,” he croaked, trying with all his might not to push her away.

“What a better time than now?” she asked quietly. His world crumbled around him as she spoke, the room going blurry, her voice slow and distant. He felt trapped and had the urge to lash out violently to get away. He stumbled back instead, reaching out his hand, grasping for something to steady himself. His fingers found wood and he blindly turned away from Leighanne, his eyes welling with tears. He closed his eyes, trying to focus on his breathing but only being able to think of Leslie. His sweet, beautiful Leslie.

He felt Leighanne’s hands gently slide up his back and she whispered, “Talk to me.”

He desperately tried to blink his tears away, not wanting her to see them. He was devastated by her words, his plans blown away in only an instant. Leslie was no longer at an arm’s length, waiting for him to swoop in and take her for his own. She was now over a mile away and he would never be able to get to her, ever. She would never be his and this simple fact broke his heart. The pain and sadness swept over him with an unrelenting force and he found himself clutching at his heart, desperately trying to block it out. At that moment, he realized that his life was officially over.

He turned to Leighanne slowly, clinging to the last shred of calm and reason within him, focusing all his energy on not running away, on not rushing to Leslie. He saw the worry in Leighanne’s eyes and he looked away, “How did this happen?”

He heard her laugh again, “What do you mean, how did it happen?”

He looked back up to her, steadying his words, “I mean how did it happen. You’re on birth control, we’ve been using protection.”

She felt her defensive walls spring up, not wanting him to accuse her of lying, or of doubting her words. She crossed her arms over her chest, narrowing her eyes, “How the hell should I know? It’s not like we planned this. I’m as surprised as you are, if not more.”

Brian gulped, stepping past her to sit back down on the couch. He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees, putting his head in his hands. He felt her sit next to him and he looked over to her, “I’m sorry, I just wasn’t expecting this.”

Her face relaxed and she took his hand in hers, “You want this baby don’t you?”

He hesitated with his answer. He wanted a baby, yes, but with Leighanne? In the past, he had wanted her to be the mother of his children, and he knew she would be a good one at that, but things had changed. How could he have a child with someone he no longer loved? He didn’t visualize his future with a broken home and loveless marriage. He wanted his kids to have parents that adored each other, just like he had, but his dreams had vanished, and at such a cruel time.

He knew that he had to take responsibility. He had always been taught to do the right thing, and though he had strayed from his upbringing these past few months, he knew he couldn’t ignore this particular situation. He had to be a man and step up to the plate. His life no longer mattered at that point, because the one life that did matter was his unborn child. He refused to have his baby be born into a world that was far more complicated than he or she could ever grasp.

He finally slowly nodded, looking over at her sadly, coming to his ultimate decision. He squeezed her hand and forced a small smile, “Of course I want it sweetheart.”

She beamed at him, relief sweeping over her. She felt satisfaction settle within her, happy that she had known Brian well enough that he would do what she had been hoping, “Good. And you’re not angry about the wedding?”

He shook his head, kissing her hand gently, “Of course not. You did a good thing.”

She leaned in and kissed him before saying, “I love you.”

He looked at her sadly, telling her his own lie, “I love you too.”

~~~~~~~

Leslie sat on the edge of the bed, watching as Nick ran his hands through his hair, trying to perfect his do. She rested her hands in her crossed legs, feeling her nerves get the best of her. She had been fighting within herself the entire day, trying to build up the courage to talk to Nick. She had plenty of chances to sit him down, but she had chickened out each time. She now sat there staring at her handsome boyfriend, her hands clammy, trying to talk herself into just getting it over with.

Nick locked eyes with Leslie in the mirror and smirked, turning to her, “Do I have something in my teeth?”

She smiled meekly at him, “No.”

He walked over, bending down to her eye level, speaking the three words he found himself not being able to contain, “I love you.”

He then leaned in a kissed her before reaching for his shoes that sat quietly beside her. Leslie watched as he slid them on, opening her mouth to finally speak, but suddenly being interrupted by another question, “You sure you don’t want to come?”

Leslie shook her head gently, “I’m sure. Not feeling so good tonight.”

He looked at her concerned, “You want me to stay?”

He reached out his hand to touch her forehead, his face relaxing when he decided that she didn’t have a fever. She smiled at him, “I’m fine. I just need some sleep. Go, have fun.”

“You sure?” he asked. She nodded and he grinned, leaning in to kiss her again, “Alright, but call me if you need me. I won’t be gone long. AJ just wants to check out some of the clubs.”

“Don’t drink too much okay?”

He smiled and leaned in to kiss her again, and then again, and again. She laughed, pushing him off, “Go already.”

“If you insist babe,” he said, grabbing his wallet and his room key. Leslie watched as he checked to see if he got everything. She felt strength rise inside of her as he turned to leave, knowing that it was now or never to speak out, to at least open up an avenue for the much needed discussion, “Nick?”

He turned to her, about to make his way to the door, “Yeah baby?”

She hesitated, before saying softly, “I have something I need to talk to you about later.”

He furrowed his eyebrows, “What is it?”

“Don’t worry about it, go have fun,” she insisted. She couldn’t bring herself to ruin his night, seeing how happy he was. The fact was, she cared for him deeply, but she didn’t love him the way he needed to be loved. She didn’t love him the way he loved her, and she found it unfair to continually lie to him day after day.

He nodded and smiled one more time. He stood there for a moment, just staring at her, happiness etched over his face. He suddenly ran at her to plant one more kiss on her lips, “I’m sorry, you just look too damn cute in my t-shirt. I’d take you right here and now if I could, but I’ll just have to wait until I get back.”

He winked and she laughed lightly, “Nick, for God’s sake, go!”

He laughed and obeyed, kissing her forehead before rushing through the hotel door, leaving her alone.

~~~~~~~

An Hour Later

Leslie had taken a long bath, trying to calm her nerves and to psych herself up for what she needed to do. Brian kept crossing her mind and she would find herself smiling, excitement erupting within her at the very thought of finally being his.

She was now sitting on one of the chairs by the hotel window, her legs curled under her, a book in her hands. Her eyes quickly read each line, the words melding into her. She felt the stress she had mounting within her begin to melt away, her mind getting lost in a world that was not her own.

She had heard a light rapping on the door and she looked up, torn out of her imaginary world. She closed the book and set it off to the side before getting up and making her way across the room. The knock sounded again but stopped when she opened the door. Brian stood there before her and her heart nearly jumped through her chest. She grinned, stepping back to allow him to come in. She closed the door behind him and quickly wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him into a hug, “I haven’t seen you all day love.”

He gently squeezed her, allowing the scent of her hair to fill his senses. He closed his eyes, wishing for his sadness to melt away, wanting to enter the world he always experienced when he was alone with her. Unfortunately, his pain wouldn’t allow him. Leighanne’s voice filled his head then and he forced himself to tear away from his mounting submission into Leslie. He forced himself to stay strong and not allow her to pull him in.

He pulled away from their embrace, and pushed her gently away from him, keeping her at arm’s length. She looked at him in puzzlement, “What’s wrong?”

He turned away from her and walked further into the room. She watched him carefully as he walked away, his silence and the look on his face beginning to unsteady her. She stood planted, unsure of what to do. She repeated, “What’s wrong Brian?”

She heard him sigh before he turned to look at her, sadness etched over his face. He said quietly, not wanting to drag this on anymore than he possibly could, “This was a mistake.”

“What was a mistake?” she asked.

He gulped, finding it hard to force out one word, “Us.”

The happiness that had swept over her quickly diminished and an underlying fear, nervousness, and sadness took its place, “What?”

“We can’t be together Leslie. It’s not meant to happen.”

She stepped forward then, confusion enveloping her, “But the other night, when I asked you if you-“

“I didn’t lie,” he assured her. She stopped in her tracks, the sadness emanating from him shocking her. He repeated, “I didn’t lie.”

He stepped towards her, his strength wavering at the sight of her, “I want to be with you, more than anything, but we can’t. It can’t be done.”

She reached for his hand and gently touched his fingers with hers. She saw his eyes close, but he pulled his hand away, “I’m sorry.”

“What’s happened Brian? I don’t understand,” she pleaded. He ignored her words, moving on with what he needed to get out, “Have you told Nick yet?”

She felt desperate. She felt so out of control at that moment, emotionally feeling Brian pulling away from her. She breathed out, tears beginning to form, “What?”

“Have you told Nick?” he repeated. She slowly shook her head, “Not yet.”

“Good,” he sighed. She flinched, feeling like she had been slapped across the face. He saw the hurt he had caused and he averted his gaze, pain clenching his insides. He hated this.

“And Leighanne?” she asked, tears beginning to fall from her eyes.

“No,” he said. “I didn’t tell her.”

“But why?” her voice was shaking. He tried to keep from looking at her, but he couldn’t help it. He felt his own tears coming on, his vision blurring and his eyes stinging. He could hear her crying, could hear her struggling to get a hold of herself. When she spoke again, it was clear she had lost all control, the realness of his words crashing down on her, “Why?”

The pain in her voice pushed him over the edge, knowing that he was the cause of it. He was the cause of all of it. Tears seeped from his eyes and he turned to her, unable to stop from yelling, “Because I couldn’t!”

Her cheeks were wet and her right hand clutched at her stomach, her breathing unsteady. She found herself yelling back through her tears, “Why not!?”

He groaned, cursing ‘Fuck’ as he pressed the palms of his hands to his eyes, trying his hardest to stop his tears. He couldn’t though because Leslie’s devastation was his as well. He felt her hand grab at his arm and his walls burst. Her soft touch had caused all strength to leave.

He turned and grabbed her arms, pulling her towards him, immediately pressing his lips against hers. He kissed her hard, knowing that this would probably be the last time he ever felt her soft, sweet lips against his. He tasted her salty tears, felt her cry against him, and she pressed her hands against his chest, trying to push him off. She turned her head, crying, “Brian, stop!”

He pulled back, his hands still gripping her arms. Her eyes were overflowing, “Stop.”

He looked down, shame overcoming him, his hands loosening their grip before falling free. He felt her hand touch his cheek to force him to look at her again, “Why won’t you tell me what’s happened?”

His hands trembled, and he found them reaching up to touch her face, “Because I screwed up.”

She searched his face, frustration apparent, “How?”

“It’s my fault that we can’t do this and I’m sorry. I am,” he cried, stroking her cheek. He was not able to bring himself to tell her that Leighanne was pregnant with his child. He couldn’t cause her more pain than he was already causing. In a way, he had betrayed her, and he couldn’t let the words flow out, couldn’t see the devastation and finality in her. He felt like he was sparing her, at least for the time being. He continued, “But that’s it. This is it. We’re done.”

He pulled back from her, stepping away, the warmth of her body disappearing as a gap filled between them. The seriousness and pain in his voice cemented the truth in Leslie. She felt her heart break, “Done?”

He nodded, “Done.”

She stood there, rigid, the pain flowing through her more excruciating than anything she had ever felt before. She felt like running away from everything. She felt like hiding and never coming back out.

She felt like dying.

He saw and felt her heart break right before him and he felt sick to his stomach. He had to get out, to get away from her.

He stepped forward, brushing past her as he made his way to the door. Leslie turned, her sobs filling the room, “Brian, wait.”

He stopped as his fingers touched the door handle. He closed his eyes, her voice filling his ears. He slightly turned his head to look at her. She stared at him desperately, “Please don’t do this. I need you.”

He thought about how much he needed her too, but quickly shook the thought away, his hand turning the handle, the door opening slightly. He quietly said, “Our story stops here sweetheart.”

He tore his eyes from her then and stepped into the hall, closing the door quickly behind him. The click of the latch gave such a sense of finality to their relationship and he had to stop to catch his breath. Brian clenched his eyes shut, hearing Leslie through the door, her cries heavy and full of suffering. Leslie had collapsed, the agony that was throbbing within her finally bursting. She sobbed uncontrollably and she struggled to gulp in air. Her heart was shattered and all because she was in love.

Brian leaned his forehead against the door, wanting so much to go back in and sweep her into his arms, to kiss her, and to tell her that he was only joking. To finally tell her he loved her. Instead, he pushed himself away from the door and stumbled a little before catching his stride, walking away from the only true love he’d ever known.

Was I too loud? Was I too bad?
Was I too open?
Was I too high? Was I too fast?
Was I too close?
No matter how far, no matter how long
I will be there
~Close by Telepopmusik

Nick quietly and slowly pushed open the hotel door, careful to make as little sound as possible knowing that Leslie would be sound asleep by now. It was 3 in the morning and he had just gotten back from a night out on the town with AJ. Turns out, Argentina had more to offer than he had originally thought. They had quickly lost track of time, going from one club to the next, each experience better than the first. He had a blast, and he had done just what Leslie had asked of him. He had only one drink the entire night.

After he quietly clicked the door shut, he turned and suddenly stopped in his tracks, surprised to see the lights still on in the room. He made his way slowly forward and glanced around, his eyes falling upon Leslie’s turned away figure. She was standing over by the bed, looking out the bay window, her arms crossed over her chest.

“Baby, you okay?” Nick spoke up. Leslie didn’t immediately turn to him and was not at all startled to hear his voice. Instead, she took a few moments to stare down at the quiet city below before turning her head to look at him. Nick’s heart dropped in his chest at the sight of her, her eyes red and puffy, sadness overwhelming her face. His instinct forced him to step forward quickly, “Leslie, what’s wrong?”

She had been calming down up until that point, but Nick’s words had caused her to reverberate back to the few hours previous. She allowed him to wrap his arms around her, and the safeness and love in them lead her to break down again. She uncrossed her own arms from her chest, allowing Nick to pull her closer, and she in turn slid her hands around his waist, clinging to him, her head resting on his shoulder.

Nick was confused to say the least. He hadn’t expected coming home to this, but it was also disheartening because he had never seen Leslie in this state before. For her to cry like this, he knew something horrible had to have happened, but he had no idea what it could be. He hugged her tightly all the same, knowing that’s what he was supposed to do. Knowing that’s what she needed.

Leslie buried her head into Nick’s shoulder, her tears wetting his shirt. She had felt so incredibly alone after Brian had left her and having Nick here was a huge relief. She knew that he was unwavering in his affections, and his comfort is something she needed at that point in time. She needed something, anything, other than the immense amount of heartache she was feeling.

Nick softly whispered, “Sweetie, what’s the matter?”

Leslie pulled back, sniffling, raising her hand to wipe some of the tears away. Nick helped her, bringing his thumb up to gently stroke her cheek.

“I’m sorry,” she mumbled. He looked at her with mounting concern, his need to know what had caused this rising to a new peak, “Are you okay?”

She shook her head, looking up at him, “I don’t know.”

“Talk to me,” he pleaded. She took a deep breath then and looked up into his worried, loving face. A wave of gratitude washed over her and she found herself leaning up to bring her lips to his. She kissed him softly at first, but then more forcefully. He found himself getting lost in her kisses, but forced himself to pull back slightly, “Leslie…”

“Make love to me,” she interrupted, searching his face. He sighed, his confusion, worry, and concern showing no signs of dissipating. She whispered, “Please.”

He hated not knowing what was wrong, but he couldn’t deny her something she so desperately seemed to need, because she was indeed desperate. He could see it in her eyes. She was trying to find some way to feel something other than her pain, wanting to get lost in Nick, knowing that he loved her and would take care of her.

“Does this relate to what you needed to talk to me about earlier?” he asked. She shook her head; her tears had finally come to a stop. She smiled gently up at him, “No.”

“What did you need to talk about?”

She paused, thinking back to the last couple of hours with Brian and when he had left her alone, broken. After she had settled down, she had began to think of Nick and if it was really worth going through with now. If she couldn’t have Brian, then why would she have to lose Nick too? He loved her, and she still deeply cared for him. She told herself that maybe with her and Brian’s ‘relationship’ over, she could finally grow to love Nick the way he loved her. She was convinced that Brian had been blocking her and Nick’s full potential. Of course, this was her desperate attempt to be optimistic when her world had just been torn apart.

She kissed him lightly then, saying, “It was nothing important.”

He was skeptical at her words, especially because of how upset she was. His weakness shined all too brightly then as she began to kiss him again. He told himself that he should not allow this to happen, knowing that after this moment, he would never be able to get the truth out of her, but he found himself getting pulled into her all the same. Every time she touched him, he lost all control, and this time was no different. He could never refuse her something she wanted, and at that moment, she wanted him to make love to her, so make love to her he did, kissing her tenderly between the sheets, whispering ‘I love you’s in her ear as he moved against her. He made love to her until the sun came up, and by the time they had drifted off to sleep, Nick had decided to let whatever had happened a few hours previous go. His love for Leslie surpassed any curiosity and any desire he had to know the truth.

~~~~~~~

A Week Later

Leighanne pulled back the curtain of the hotel room and glanced down at the bustling city of Denver, snow flurries interrupting her view. She grumbled slightly and she turned to see Brian pulling in the luggage from the hall. He heard her groan and he stopped, looking at her, “What?”

“It’s so damn cold,” she said. He sighed, closing the door behind him. He pushed the luggage forward and finally gave up, untwisting the scarf from around his neck and shedding the coat from his body, tossing it over the back of the couch. His cheeks were red from the outside cold, but from also having to carry every single bag through the hotel, up the elevator, and through the hall, Leighanne saying the exertion was bad for the baby. AJ, Rachel, Howie, Leigh, Kevin, and Kristin would have helped, but they had all their own luggage to attend to.

“We’re in Colorado, in December, what do you expect?” he asked, trying not to sound annoyed.

“Why couldn’t we have gone to Hawaii, or even Kentucky? It’s not as cold in Kentucky and your mother was wanting to see you,” she replied, taking her own coat off and tossing it to the side.

“We’ve already been over this Leigh. We’re going to Kentucky after New Years, and until then, we’re having a nice little ski holiday.”

“But why Colorado?” she asked, walking around the room slowly, sizing it up. He watched her and had the urge to yell, but instead decided to say nothing. He mumbled that he was going to take a shower, and searched through the suitcases until he found all that he needed. As he closed the bathroom door behind him, he sighed, closing his eyes tightly.

He didn’t know how many times he had that same conversation with Leighanne. He had never seen her so bothered about going to a place before. She normally went with the flow, but the fact that they were in Colorado really bothered her. She tried getting him to change the location, but he had told her he couldn’t, saying the reservations were already made.

Of course, he could have easily dropped the reservations and planned a skiing trip elsewhere, but if he had done that, he knew Leslie wouldn’t be a part of it, because Leslie would be coming to Colorado no matter what. Her and Nick had planned this trip a couple months ago and their plans were set in stone. And though he had not really talked to Leslie this past week, he still felt a mad desire to be near her, so when Kevin had called him about the potential ski trip for their Christmas break from the tour, the first thought that crossed his mind was the Rocky Mountains. He immediately suggested it and Kevin agreed, telling him to ask the rest of the guys if they would be down for it. And so Brian asked and everyone had jumped at the opportunity, thinking it a great idea.

And so here they all were, in Denver until Christmas, and then up to Vail to ski the slopes for a few days before flying out again to meet up with their families.

Brian had remembered Leslie’s shocked face when AJ had mentioned the trip and for a split second, he thought he had made a very huge mistake. It was cruel of him to keep pushing himself at her, not giving her a chance to breathe, to get away, but his own selfishness and unhappiness took over, his desire to see her the one thing that comforted him these days.

He and Leighanne had yet to inform anyone of their pregnancy because Leighanne felt that they should wait until the best time to spring it on everyone. She thought that since Christmas was coming up, it would be a great opportunity to bring it up with everyone together so they could all share in the good news. Brian understood her need to do this, but he dreaded it all the same. It was hard enough to act happy around her, but to have to fake excitement around his loved ones was going to be even harder. But then he knew that wasn’t exactly true. He could fake happiness any day, but knowing that Leslie would be there to hear it from Leighanne’s own lips, with him sitting beside her, to see her reaction, to see her devastation, was going to be absolute torture. He had originally hoped to have their little secret leak out, for Leslie to hear the news through the grapevine, so he wouldn’t have to be there when she found out, but that faint glimpse of hope had flickered away. He had to endure hurting her again, and again, and again. It was his punishment for sinning. It was his punishment for loving her.

Of course, Brian didn’t know Leighanne’s real motives for wanting to tell everyone at Christmas. She thought it would be nice to tell everyone at the same time, but she didn’t feel that strongly about it because quite frankly, she really wasn’t pregnant. If she were actually with child, she would be more inclined to share in her happiness with everyone she knew, but instead what she really wanted was to ruin the holidays for one particular person. Even though her plan had been working, Brian had been faking his happiness with her. She was angry as hell in the first place, but Brian’s lack of enthusiasm and love only infuriated and upset her more. Her desire to hurt Leslie reached a new peak and what better way to hurt her than to ruin her Christmas? Because then her anger would be shown passively, and be seemingly innocent. She wouldn’t be to blame. She had a gigantic urge to see the hurt she felt herself on Leslie’s face.

She knew she was being vindictive, but hell, it’s not her fault Leslie decided to whore herself out to her man. It’s not her fault.

Leighanne watched as Brian closed the bathroom door behind him and sighed, looking around the room, wondering what she should do to pass the time. What the hell was there to do in Denver anyway?

She stepped forward, grabbing her discarded coat and then moving to grab Brian’s, to hang them up out of the way. As she lifted his pea coat off the couch, she heard something clunk to the floor. She stopped, lifting the coats in the air, moving her feet to see what had fallen. She set the coats aside and bent down, seeing a black velvet box peeking out from under the back of the couch. She reached out and felt the soft material slide under her fingers.

She stood up, looking down at the box in puzzlement for a moment. She quickly glanced at the bathroom to make sure Brian wasn’t in sight and then turned back to the box, her curiosity forcing her to flip it open. When it popped open, she immediately smiled down at its contents. The two diamond encrusted dangling earrings sparkled up at her and she had to stifle a small laugh. She felt giddy, immediately thinking that it was one of her Christmas presents from Brian. She thought that he must have put it in his coat in the hopes of hiding it from her. She hated that she had spoiled his surprise, but she loved it all the same, because this brought new hope to her. To her, this signified that he still cared and that he was putting forth effort. To her, this meant that they still had a pretty damn good chance.

And so, she took once last look at the dazzling earrings and snapped the box shut, quickly putting it back in his coat pocket. For the rest of the day, she couldn’t tear away the huge smile that had crept over her face.

~~~~~~~

Leslie stepped out of the taxi, the cold, harsh Coloradan air hitting her skin immediately. She smiled anyway, pulling her coat tighter around her as she stared up at her childhood home. It had been too long since she had been here and she fought back the urge to sprint up the walk and burst through the doors to see her family.

She heard Nick rustle behind her and she turned to look, seeing him bent over, wallet in hand, cash being passed from him to the driver.

“You gonna help get the bags out man?” Nick asked a little annoyed. Leslie lightly laughed, knowing his irritability was due to the snow and ice surrounding him, but mainly because of the cold. He hated it. Of course, the nervousness of meeting his family was also a large factor.

The taxi driver reluctantly got out of the car and went to the back to help Nick unload the luggage. As this was happening, Leslie heard a loud squeal from up the walkway. She immediately turned towards the familiar sound, seeing her older sister Amy coming barreling towards her. Leslie laughed, stepping forward, her arms opening for her oncoming sister.

Amy collided into her then, and Leslie stumbled back, giggling loudly. Amy wasn’t in a coat, but didn’t seem to care. She clung to Leslie tightly, “I missed you so much baby sister!”

“I missed you too Ames,” Leslie replied. Amy pulled back and Leslie had to take a second to take her all in. It had been a couple years since she had really seen her and she looked older. Since childhood, though she was only a year older, they had looked like twins. Leslie felt like she was always looking in a mirror as she stared at her sister, but now, she saw something different.

“What?” Amy smiled. Leslie narrowed her eyes, “You look different.”

Amy let out a laugh, her breath billowing out in front of her, “It’s because another Ice Age has passed since you’ve been here.”

Leslie rolled her eyes, pulling her in for another hug.

“Come inside, it’s cold!” Leslie and Amy pulled away from each other and Leslie glanced up at the porch, seeing her mother standing with her arms crossed over her chest, a large grin over her face. Leslie’s heart swelled in her chest. She felt herself returning to her childlike mentality, wanting to run and hug her mother and never let go.

Nick grunted from behind them and they both turned, seeing Nick throwing the last of the luggage down. The driver closed the trunk and without another word, got into the car and drove off. Nick cursed under his breath and Leslie walked over, taking his hand and squeezing it gently. She felt him relax slightly.

She thought it sweet of him to want to stay with her at her parent's house. She told him repeatedly that it wasn't needed. He could stay at a hotel if he wanted, but he insisted that he stay with her. How would it look to her parents if they weren't together? That was fine and all, but he had started freaking out a couple days ago. She knew that he was more worried about this than he had been about anything in quite sometime.

“Nick, this is my sister Amy. Amy, this is Nick,” Leslie introduced. Nick immediately stepped forward, wrapping Amy in a hug. Leslie could see Amy’s surprised face from over Nick’s shoulder and laughed. Nick said happily, “It’s nice to meet you Ms. Amy.”

“It’s nice to finally meet you, too, Mr. Nick,” Amy replied with a smile. “I’ve heard a lot about you.”

“Me too, especially this past week. I can’t get her to shut up,” he said, grinning. Amy laughed and Leslie rolled her eyes, reaching down to grab a few of the bags. Nick and Amy rushed around grabbing the rest of the luggage and they all made their way up the walk. Amy made her way past her mother, rolling the luggage through the large front door. Leslie’s mom stepped forward and where Leslie thought she was extending her arms out to help with the heavy bags, instead they grabbed at Leslie, yanking her into a hug.

“Oh sweetheart, it’s so good to see you,” she said. Leslie gave her an awkward half hug, the heavy bags hanging off her preventing her from giving her mother the hug she deserved.

“It’s good to see you too mom,” Leslie said. Her mom pulled back, pushing hair away from Leslie’s face, tears coming to her eyes. Leslie laughed lightly, though touched, “Mom, don’t cry.”

“Oh, I know, I’m being silly. I’m just happy my baby’s home,” she said softly. Leslie smiled warmly and leaned in, kissing her mother’s cheek, “Let’s get inside yeah?”

She nodded and reached down, taking one of the rolling luggage bags and turning to go into the house. Leslie looked back at Nick and found him smiling at her. Once they piled into the house, Leslie’s mom shut the door and immediately turned to Nick, “Come, let me look at you.”

Nick glanced over at Leslie and Leslie had to stifle a laugh at the comical look on his face. Her mom was nearly a foot shorter than him, but her forwardness and courage surpassed Nick's by a mile. Her mom reached out, grabbing Nick’s hands and raising them, her eyes searching over his body, sizing him up.

“You’re very handsome,” she grinned. Nick blushed slightly, “Thanks Mrs. Baker.”

“Call me Cathy, please,” she said, motioning for him to go in for a hug. He stepped forward, bent down slightly and wrapped his arms around her. She gave him a squeeze, “It’s nice to finally meet the man who’s been an ornament in my daughter’s life for how long now?”

Leslie spoke up, “Almost 7 months.”

Cathy smiled warmly at Nick, repeating quietly, “7 months.”

“It’s nice to meet you too Cathy. It’s a real pleasure,” Nick replied. Leslie took off her coat and scarf, handing them off to Amy before she went to Nick to gather his things.

“Where is she!?” a booming voice then sounded from the next room over. They all turned and saw Leslie’s father bustling through the living room, a grin plastered on his face. Leslie nearly melted at the sight of him. She let out a sigh, “Daddy.”

“Oh pumpkin,” he breathed out, taking Leslie into a tight hug. “Oh sweetheart, it’s so good to see you.”

“It’s good to see you too,” Leslie said softly, closing her eyes and letting the smell of Old Spice fill her senses. It had been awhile since she had come across a man that wore this brand of cologne, and smelling it now brought memories rushing back to her. He pulled back, looking her over, “You’re beautiful.”

“Thanks daddy,” Leslie smiled. Cathy spoke up, “She needs to eat.”

“No, she doesn’t. She looks just fine,” Amy interjected. Cathy still persisted, “She needs to eat. You’re getting too skinny. This is what happens when you don’t get a good home cooked meal every night.”

“Well, I’m home now aren’t I?” Leslie asked.

“That you are sweetheart,” her dad said lovingly. He then saw Nick standing over by the door and stepped forward, extending his hand. Nick took it firmly, “Nice to meet you Mr. Baker.”

“John,” corrected Leslie’s dad. Nick smiled, shaking his hand once more, “John.”

“And it’s good to meet you too Nick. It’s Nick isn’t it?”

Nick laughed, “Yeah. Carter.”

“Backside Boys or whatever?”

Leslie laughed, “Dad, you know what his band is called, don’t act like you don’t.”

John smiled sheepishly, “Giving him a hard time love. I’m allowed aren’t I?”

“Go easy on me, please,” Nick said. John laughed heartily, clapping Nick on the back, “We’ll just see about that son.”

Nick grinned over at Leslie when he had called him ‘son’, taking that as a good sign that he was accepted. That was one of Nick’s biggest worries. He knew Leslie’s family meant the world to her, and if he didn’t fit in with them, then he knew that he could never fully fit in her heart. Leslie smiled at him reassuringly and stepped forward, taking his hand. John, Cathy, and Amy started snatching up the luggage and made their ways towards the staircase.

“You need any help?” Nick asked, stepping forward. Leslie grabbed his hand tightly and he stopped.

Cathy brushed off his offer, “Nonsense. Make yourself at home. It’s time to relax.”

They watched as they walked up the stairs and Leslie immediately reached up and planted a kiss on Nick’s cheek. He turned to her, a small smile playing across his lips, “I like them.”

“Yeah?” she asked. He nodded, “I do. No wonder you turned out so great.”

“Kiss ass much?” Leslie teased. He smiled and kissed her softly. He then turned and glanced into the living room to the left and the dining room to the right, “So this is where your beautiful self grew up?”

“Yep. Ran through here in my diapers and all.”

Nick laughed, “I would have loved to see that.”

“Pervert.”

He squeezed her hand and she tugged him towards the living room, “Come on, I’ll give ya a tour.”

And so she showed him around the house, telling cute and funny stories in each room. She showed him the back yard and finally upstairs to her room. He was surprised that her parents had kept it intact and she had shrugged, saying that they thought it wasn’t their place to push her out. It was their way of holding on to her when she was gone and a subtle way of telling her that she could come home at any time, though they knew that was a long shot.

Nick joked about doing naughty and sinful things to her on her bed these next couple nights but he groaned when she had laughed and informed him that they wouldn’t be sleeping together in the same room. He would be sleeping in her room as she and Amy would be sleeping in Amy’s old bedroom.

The rest of the night went off without a hitch. They all sat down for a nice dinner and they all talked and laughed. Nick took to Leslie’s family quickly, just as they did with him. They adored him, just as much as Leslie did, and this comforted her greatly. She sat at the table, watching them interact, watching her dad tell Nick jokes, seeing Nick’s face light up with laughter, and she realized that she would be happy if she spent the rest of her life with Nick. He wasn’t Brian, but he was still a good man, and he fit into her life the way she needed him to.

Leslie kissed Nick goodnight and left him pouting on her bed as she made her way towards Amy’s room. She closed the door behind her and found Amy lying on her stomach, her legs swinging in the air, her fingers flipping through a magazine. Leslie rushed towards the bed and jumped on it, Amy’s body jostling about. Amy laughed, grabbing Leslie's leg and yanked her down. Leslie flipped on her stomach, and snuggled close to her sister, looking down at the magazine she was reading.

“He’s cuter in person,” Amy announced. Leslie laughed, “You didn’t think he would be?”

She shrugged, “I don’t know. I personally always liked the tall, bushy eyebrows one.”

“Kevin?”

“Yeah, Kevin.”

“Sorry, he’s married,” Leslie teased. Amy rolled her eyes, “I know," and then mumbled quietly, "Not like I need a man anyway.”

“Wait, what?” Leslie asked. Amy looked away, trying to hide her smile. Leslie caught it all the same and exclaimed, nudging her shoulder against hers, “I knew it!”

Amy laughed, “Knew what?”

“I thought you looked different. It’s cause you’re so happy,” Leslie said. Amy looked at her oddly, “Happiness changes a person’s features?”

“Of course it does,” Leslie said in shock, thinking everyone knew this, “Gives you a happy glow you know?”

“Yeah, I guess so,” she grinned. Leslie nudged her again, “What’s his name?”

Amy giggled, “Leslie, I feel like I'm in high school again with you.”

“I do too,” Leslie laughed. “But come on, give me details!”

She sighed happily, “Well, his name’s Michael.”

“Oooo, Michael,” Leslie teased. Amy scoffed, “Come on whoreface, be serious!”

“I am serious! Come on, keep going,” she pushed. Amy paused before saying a bit more quietly, “I gotta show you something.”

“What is it?” Leslie asked curiously.

Amy bit her lip before she moved her left hand towards Leslie. Leslie looked down and nearly choked when she saw the sparkling ring on her finger. She screeched, snatching at her hand, “AMY!”

Amy laughed as Leslie goggled at her hand, bringing the ring as close to her face as possible. Her excitement began to dissipate when she realized that she had been out of the loop on this. She knew that her sister wouldn’t jump into getting engaged to someone she had only known for a short while. Amy must have been dating this guy for quite some time, and the fact that she hadn’t told her hurt Leslie immensely, “Why didn’t I know this before?”

Amy replied, “I told mom and dad not to tell you. I wanted to tell you myself. And I haven’t told you about him because you’ve been so busy. I barely get to talk to you as is, so I don’t want to muddle the time I get to talk to you with going on about Michael.”

Leslie looked at her sadly, “Amy, I’m sorry. I’m a horrible sister.”

Amy quickly shook her head, “Leslie, shut up. You’re not a horrible sister. I know you have a lot on your plate, what with the tour and Nick.”

She paused before saying quietly, “And Brian.”

Leslie started at his name and Amy frowned slightly, “You didn’t need me boasting about my life when yours has been less than stellar lately.”

“But Ames, it would have made me feel better, knowing how happy you are. I feel like I’ve missed out on everything. I called you the first time I had a date with Nick, first time I kissed him, slept with him… all that. And I have no idea who this guy is.”

Amy looked at her sadly, “I’m sorry Leslie, I am. I’d change things if I could if I knew it meant that much to you.”

Leslie leaned her head against Amy’s shoulder for a moment before deciding to let it go. She was home, with her family, with her sister there right beside her. She didn’t want to spoil these precious moments, “He hot?”

Amy laughed, both relieved and happy at Leslie’s forwardness and ability to move on from her clear sadness, “Very much so.”

“Is he good to you?” she asked, lifting her head to look at her sister.

“More so than any guy I’ve dated before.”

“Well, that’s saying a lot,” Leslie joked.

“Seriously Les, he’s wonderful, and I love him,” she smiled. Leslie smiled back, “I’m happy for you Ames. I really am. When do I get to meet him?”

“He’s coming for dinner tomorrow,” she announced.

“Good, the sooner the better. I gotta determine if he’s worthy of you.”

Amy laughed, “Baby sister, I love you dearly.”

“I love you, too,” she replied.

“So you’ll be my bridesmaid won’t you?” she asked. Leslie perked up at this, “Hell yes I’ll be your bridesmaid!”

Amy laughed, but then Leslie frowned, “But wait, how am I going to help you with everything when I have the tour?”

Amy brushed it off, “I already talked to Michael about that. We’re waiting until it’s over. We’re hoping for a late summer wedding.”

“Yeah?” Leslie felt relieved. Amy nodded happily. Leslie flung her left arm around her sister, hugging her closely, “This is so exciting!” Leslie then abruptly asked, “So how is he?”

Amy smiled slyly and Leslie laughed, “That good eh?”

Amy nodded and they both burst into giggles. Amy then spoke up, “I don’t know how it compares to Nick or anything.”

Leslie shrugged, “It’s hard to compare men in that regard.”

“No, it’s not,” Amy scoffed. “It’s easy as hell. But then again, it’s always better if you have a lot of emotion invested in it.”

Leslie nodded, deciding not to respond. Amy saw Leslie’s detachedness and sighed slightly, “Sorry.”

“About what?” Leslie asked innocently.

“Made you think of Brian again,” she said. Leslie shook her head, “Did not.”

“Did too. You got that sad, forlorn look on your face. I know that what you two had was explosive. I could hear it in your voice when you’d call me."

"It wasn’t that great," Leslie said, trying to brush off her sister's words.

“Liar,” Amy said quietly. Leslie groaned, “Who cares if it was! Not like sex is the only thing that matters.”

“You’re right, it doesn’t, but you can tell a lot from a man from just sleeping with him. If he’s gentle and loving or wild and all sadist like.”

“Sadist like huh?” Leslie mused.

“You know what I mean Les,” she said. Leslie grew quiet and looked down at Amy’s bed sheet, tracing the flowers with her finger tips. Amy spoke up, “You talk to him?”

Leslie shook her head, “No.”

“He’s here isn’t he? In Denver?”

“They all are.”

“I’m gonna get to meet him?” she asked.

“I suppose you are,” Leslie replied.

Amy frowned, “I can beat him up for you.”

Leslie let out a sad laugh, “He’d probably let you, but no need for that. If Nick ever finds out what’s happened between us, he’ll get enough of a beating to last him a lifetime.”

“You think Nick will find out?”

Leslie shrugged, “I don’t know. Only one that knows is AJ, at least as far as I know, and he’s cool about it. Well, not exactly ‘cool’, but he understands, and he’s given his word that he won’t tell.”

Amy watched Leslie’s face for a few moments before asking, “You want to tell him don’t you?”

Leslie looked over at her sister, “What makes you think that?”

“I know you, that’s why. Leslie, when you told me you had slept with Brian, I was shocked to say the least. I couldn’t be angry with you though because you’re my sister and you’ve always had a level head. I knew that you wouldn’t have done it unless it meant something to you. Brian means something to you, I get that, but Nick means something to you too, and I know it must be eating you up inside that you had an affair behind his back with his best friend. That’s intense stuff and it’s hard to keep that bottled up. It’s only human nature to want to tell him the truth and hope that he’ll forgive you, because then at least you won’t be lying anymore, and you’ll feel free. You can’t really move on with the relationship with what happened with Brian hanging over your head can you?”

Leslie sighed, looking at Amy sadly, “Why couldn’t you come to LA with me? I forgot how much I needed you.”

“That life’s not for me and you know it,” she said.

“I don’t know if it’s for me either,” she said quietly. “But you’re right. I’ve been thinking of telling him. Do you think I should?”

Amy shrugged, “I can’t tell you tell him. If it were me, I probably would, but I don’t know Les. He loves you, I could see that from just seeing you two together for a couple hours, and it would probably hurt him beyond repair. You might lose him.”

Leslie nodded sadly, “That’s what I’m afraid of.”

Amy nudged her gently, “That means something doesn’t it? That you’re afraid to lose him?”

“I guess so, but does it really? I can’t tell if I’m afraid to lose him because I care for him or because I’m afraid of ending up alone.”

Amy sighed, wrapping her arm around Leslie and hugging her, “Knowing you, it’s because you care for him.”

Leslie leaned her head against her sister’s shoulder again, and Amy squeezed her gently, “Come on, let’s get to bed.”

~~~~~~~

The Next Morning

Brian glanced out the frost covered window towards the large, looming house. He sighed, looking down at the piece of paper in his hand, an address scribbled in Nick’s writing greeting him.

“You sure this is the right place?" Brian asked.

“Took you where you told me to go,” the driver responded. Brian sighed, glancing out the window again. It was 8am, and he knew that it was really early to be dropping by someone’s house, especially with people he didn’t know, but he vividly remembered Leslie telling him that her parents were the biggest morning people in the world, and whenever she was home, she found herself getting up at the crack of dawn to spend time with them. He hoped that her words were true, wanting to talk to her before Nick had awakened, knowing that Nick would sleep in as much as possible if he had the chance. If Nick were awake, he’d find some sort of excuse to explain why he was here so early in the morning, instead of later that night when they were all supposed to come over.

Brian reached for his wallet and shelled out a couple of twenty dollar bills for the driver, “I’ll pay you double if you wait an extra half an hour for me.”

He saw the driver eye him in his rearview mirror but he nodded, “Alright, double it is.”

Brian licked his lips, folding up the address and phone number Nick had given him the day before at the airport and stuffed it in his pocket. He stepped out into the cold and felt his body shiver. He wondered if the shivers were entirely from the cold, or also from his mounting nervousness. His heart galloped within his chest and he tried to talk himself down.

He shuffled his feet for a moment, staring up at the house that Leslie had talked to him so many times about. He had somewhat visualized it as this. He could see why she loved it so much and why she missed it like she did. It was fitting for her. It was definitely home.

He sprang into action then, making his way up the path towards the front door. He scaled the few steps of the porch and approached the door. He glanced behind him, the taxi running idly on the street, white snow surrounding everything. He turned back to the door and looked through the paned, decorated glass. He saw lights within and small movements. He raised his hand and closed his eyes, taking a deep breath, before pressing the doorbell.

He heard a girl yell from the other side that she’d get the door. His heart skipped a beat, thinking that it could be Leslie, but as the door swung open, a girl that looked nearly identical to the woman he had come to adore stood before him. She had been smiling, but it had completely vanished at the sight of him, out of shock more than anything.

“Uh, hi,” she said awkwardly.

“Mornin’,” he put on a smile. He was secretly kicking himself, wondering what insane idea had caused him to come over here alone, and so early in the morning. He kept cursing to himself that he was an idiot.

He saw Amy glance to her left, and he spoke up, extending his hand, “I’m Brian.”

“Yeah, I know,” she replied. She took his hand and shook it lightly, “Amy.”

“Nice to finally meet you,” Brian said sincerely. He had heard enough about Amy to feel like he knew her personally. Standing there in front of her was sort of a weird experience, seeing how much she looked like Leslie, but still seeing how incredibly different she was.

“Nice to meet you, too,” a small smile flickered across her face. Brian cleared his throat, “I’m really sorry that I’m just showing up like this at 8 in the morning. I was just wondering if Leslie was up?”

“She is,” she said, but didn’t care to elaborate. She eyed him carefully and spoke up, “We have a phone you know.”

“I know, it’s just if I had called, I know she would have told me not to come.”

“And why is that?” she asked. By the way she said it, he realized that she already knew why. He swallowed, his feet shuffling. His face was growing numb and his breath billowed out in front of him, the warmth of the house slowly seeping out.

“Who is it Ames?” a woman called from in the house. Amy turned her head, “No one mom!”

Brian was surprised to hear those words escape her lips but he was actually grateful. He wasn’t ready to meet Leslie’s parents under such strange conditions. He would have rather tried to make a good impression later on that evening. She saw this grateful look and smiled lightly, “So came to see my baby sister?”

“Yes,” he replied. “I don’t even have to come in. I’ll wait out here. I just need to talk to her for a minute.”

She sighed, her demeanor softening the longer she stood in front of him. She nodded once and then said, “Alright, I’ll go get her. Wait here.”

She closed the door and Brian turned away, noticing the cab still running idly. He walked across the porch, glancing at the snow covered lounge chairs. He got to the end and absentmindedly dusted off flurries of snow from the wooden railing. He took a deep breath, trying to calm his nerves. He always seemed to notice that when it snowed out, everything seemed quieter. Softer. More peaceful. He liked it, and he tried to incorporate it into his being.

He suddenly heard a door open from behind him and he twirled quickly, seeing Leslie step out into the cold air, closing the door quietly behind her. She had a coat and beanie hat on, her blonde locks in waves, her eyes a piercing blue as she raised her eyes to look at him. She was absolutely gorgeous and he found his heart speeding up again, but it suddenly dropped when sadness crossed her face at the sight of him.

He stepped forward but she walked towards him at a quicker pace, leading him back to the far side railing, “Brian, what are you doing here?”

“I needed to talk to you,” he said. She looked back towards the front door nervously. He didn’t follow her gaze, for he couldn’t tear his eyes away from her beautiful face. He didn’t realize how much he missed her until this very moment. He burned inside, wanting her so much, but knowing he couldn't have her.

He sighed, “Nick’s not up is he?”

“No, not yet,” she replied, turning back to him. She stuffed her hands inside her pockets and Brian licked his lips, “It’s just like you said it was.”

“What is?” she asked. He noticed the wall she had put up around herself and it saddened him further. He had pushed her away slightly, something that he hated more than anything.

“This house,” he said, motioning around him. “You described it perfectly.”

She didn’t respond but only looked at his features, wondering what on earth had brought him here so early in the morning, and alone to boot. He saw that his attempt at small talk was fruitless, so he cleared his throat, “I’m sorry I’m here so early.”

“Why are you here?” she asked. He flinched slightly at the harshness of it. She saw this and softened slightly, waiting for him to continue.

“I have something for you,” he said, reaching into his pocket. He grasped the wrapping and slid it out of his pocket. He held it in his hands as he began to talk, Leslie’s eyes watching the gift carefully, “I know you’re probably wondering why I would have a gift for you, that it’s not fair to you, that since I broke it off, I should leave you alone. I get that Leslie, I do. It’s just, I bought this a couple months ago, when we were still… you know…”

Brian trailed off and Leslie looked at him sadly. He averted his gaze for a second, looking at the present in his hands. He felt tears coming on but he quickly blinked them away, trying to focus. He spoke up again, “I bought them in Paris. Remember that one night when we walked around after dinner?”

Leslie slowly nodded, being torn between throwing her arms around his neck and kissing him or turning and running back in the house. Why was he doing this to her?

“We were just window shopping and you didn’t say anything, because you’re not that type of girl, I’ve come to see that…” he licked his lips nervously and continued, “But I could tell by the look on your face that you liked them. So the next day, before we left for Spain, I went back and bought them for you.”

Leslie’s heart softened at his words and the pain that had began to finally wane came rushing back. She shook her head, feeling her losing control, “Brian, you shouldn’t be doing this.”

“But I have to,” he said, the intensity and sadness on his face startling her. “I have to. You may not see that, but I do. I’ve been saving these for now, knowing that it would be a good Christmas present. I had this whole stupid romantic thing planned. Of course, I didn’t foresee where we would be right now. I thought we would still be… us.”

Leslie felt her eyes burning and she looked away from him.

“I can’t give them to anyone else because I got them for you. To give them to someone else would be a lie, and I can’t bear to see someone else wearing them, knowing that they’re yours. And I can’t keep them because it pains me too much to know that they’re there. It wouldn’t feel right Leslie, but I also know that if I didn’t give them to you now, I don’t know when I’d be able to, and so,” he tentatively reached out his hand, the gift held gently between his fingers. He looked at her as she stared down at his hand, saying softly, “Merry Christmas.”

She hesitated but slowly slid her hand out of her pocket, being careful not to touch his skin. She gently took the present from his hand and looked down at it. She blinked, and a tear escaped. She quickly reached up and brushed it away. She looked up at him, “I don’t have anything for you.”

“I don’t need anything,” he said, a look of anticipation on his face. She searched his face one more moment before beginning to unwrap the gift. She crumpled the paper and stuffed it in her coat pocket, looking down at the black box in her hands. She hadn’t remembered what she had been looking at in the window that had caused Brian to go buy them for her, but the black jewelry box flashed something in her brain, making her heart skip a beat.

She gently opened the lid and immediately raised her left hand to cover her mouth slightly as she looked down at the sight before her. She felt herself choking up, the morning sun hitting the diamonds in a way that made them sparkle beautifully. Her eyes were welling with tears but she had ceased to care. She lowered her hand and gently touched the dangling earrings, her heart hurting in her chest.

Brian watched her carefully, nervous, excited, and scared to see her reaction. He could tell that he had struck a chord. He knew she had recognized them immediately and he could see her eyes tear up.

“I remember these,” she whispered.

“They’re the right ones?” he asked hopefully. She nodded, looking up at him, “How did you know I wanted them?”

He shrugged, “Like I said before, I know you Leslie.”

She looked at him with so much sadness, finally shaking her head, snapping the box shut. She thrust her arm out, “I can’t take these.”

“Please,” he pleaded. “Take them. They’re yours.”

When he wasn’t taking them back, she dropped her arm to her side. She reached up and wiped the few tears away that had escaped. She bit her lip, glancing towards the front door again. She felt antsy, her desire to escape greater than ever. She finally spoke up, “Thank you Brian. This was very sweet of you.”

A small smile crossed his face, “You’re welcome.”

He turned to walk across the porch, knowing that it was time to go, but he stopped, his desire causing him to be daring. He turned back to Leslie, who was now staring back down at the closed box. He stepped forward, and was slightly surprised to see that she didn’t flinch or move away. He leaned in and brushed his lips against her cheek. He pulled back tentatively, looking at her reaction. She was staring down at the ground, motionless.

“I’ll see you tonight,” he said softly. She nodded once, not looking up at him. He turned and made his way across the porch and down the path, feeling Leslie’s presence still behind him. Leslie watched after him, wanting to run to him, to wrap her arms around him and kiss him over and over again. She had tried to show as little emotion as possible, not wanting him to think that he had her so enraptured in him that she couldn’t function otherwise. The truth was, she had felt an overwhelming wave of happiness and gratitude towards him for his gift. It had been incredibly sweet of him to do, and in a way, it was a small physical form of his affection towards her. Either way, it still saddened her deeply. She wished that she had received such a thoughtful gift in a more appropriate, deserving manner.

Once he slipped into the car, she made her way back across the porch, opening the door slightly before turning to look back at the taxi. She could vaguely see Brian looking back at her and she smiled lightly, raising her hand to wave. Before the car drove off, she could see Brian wave back, and though against her better judgment, a small flicker of hope burned within her.

If all else perished, and he remained,
I should still continue to be;
and if all else remained, and he were annihilated,
the universe would turn to a mighty stranger:
I should not seem a part of it.
~Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte

Everyone raised their glasses as Kevin stood to make a toast on how successful and blessed the past year had been to all of them. He wished everyone a happy Christmas Eve, and everyone in turn wished it back as they all took a sip of their champagne.

Before heading out to dinner, upon Leslie’s parents request, they had all stopped by Leslie’s house to meet her family. Leslie’s parents knew that each individual meant a lot to their daughter and they couldn’t wait until they met them. They had originally just invited everyone over for the next day for Christmas dinner, but thinking this insufficient, they had planned a little cocktail get together so they could all get to know each other. They chatted for a couple hours before Leslie’s parents had to get to their church sanctioned Christmas dinner, where they helped serve homeless men and women a hearty holiday meal. They did this every year. Amy normally went with, but she opted to go with Leslie, not wanting to miss out on what she experienced on a day to day basis. Besides, she was bringing Michael along, and she wanted Leslie to get to know him better.

They had been at the restaurant for over an hour now. They had reserved a private room in the back, as they usually did, for privacy. Their food had just been brought, and after Kevin’s toast and a small prayer, they all dug in.

“This is a beautiful city,” Rachel, AJ’s girlfriend, commented to Leslie. Leslie smiled over at her as she swallowed the mashed potatoes in her mouth, “Thank you. I think so too.”

“Little too quiet though,” Rachel said, scrunching up her nose.

“I like the quiet!” Leslie laughed.

“And you know I don’t,” Rachel joked. Leslie leaned in and planted a kiss on her friend’s cheek, “I’m so happy you guys joined Nick and I.”

“What else were we going to do? It was either this or sitting at home in Cali,” she shrugged, cutting into her grilled chicken. AJ overheard their conversation and butted in, “What’s wrong with sitting on our butts at home?”

“It’s boring!”

“I would love a little boredom right about now,” AJ said. Both Leslie and Rachel looked over at him evilly and he laughed, “I’m kidding. This is great, seriously.”

“I know where you sleep,” Rachel warned.

“What a coincidence! I know where you sleep too!” AJ teased. Rachel grabbed her fork and raised it threateningly towards AJ, unable to help her laughter, “I’ll kill you, I swear.”

AJ chuckled, raising his hands in defeat, “Not unless I get to you first.”

Leslie watched in amusement, feeling Nick nudge her from the right. She turned to him and he motioned with his eyes towards AJ and Rachel’s playful bickering, “Please promise me you’ll never threaten my life. I don’t think I could take it.”

“I’ll kill you,” Leslie stated seriously. Nick let out a laugh and planted a kiss on her cheek. She giggled as he said, “So much for that.”

He kept his left arm draped over the back of her chair, a position she noticed he always adopted whenever they ate out together. She didn’t think he knew he was doing it. It seemed like an unconscious, comfort zone thing. He did it instinctively out of protection and love. She liked it.

“What the hell is this?” Leigh, Howie’s girlfriend, looked disgusted at something brown on her fork. Howie stuffed a piece of steak in his mouth before he turned to her, eyeing the stabbed specimen carefully. He pointed at it with his own fork, mumbling with food in his mouth, “It’s a shiitake mushroom babe.”

“A what?”

“Shiitake mushroom.”

“Shiitake?” she asked, looking at him oddly. Leslie snorted in laughter, being able to hear their conversation through the loud chatter of everyone else. Leigh flashed a smile at Leslie before shaking the mushroom off on Howie’s plate. He looked at her in surprise, obviously displeased with this action, “What are you doing?”

Leigh continued to pick through her pasta, shoveling out bits of the mushroom and dumping them onto Howie’s plate, “I don’t want to eat anything that has the word shit in its name.”

“But I don’t want it!” he exclaimed, brushing the mushrooms off his steak with a look of discontent etched over his face.

“Well, I don’t either,” she said.

Amy spoke up, noticing their antics as well, “I got a bowl full too, Howie. Want some?”

Leslie leaned forward to look past Nick to see Amy tipping her own bowl of pasta for Howie to see. Leslie chuckled and Howie glanced at her, “Hardy har har. We’re just full of thoughtfulness tonight aren’t we girls?”

Nick reached over and grabbed Amy’s bowl and fork, standing up to lean over the table. Howie fell back in his chair, watching in disbelief as Nick shoveled mushrooms out of the pasta bowl and onto Howie’s plate, “Dude, stop! What are you doing?”

“Amy doesn’t want ‘em,” Nick said nonchalantly. Leigh, Amy, and Leslie were bursting into a fit of giggles.

“Well, I don’t either!” Howie exclaimed, trying to push Nick’s arm away.

“What’s going on?” Kevin asked, being torn out of his conversation with Amy’s fiancée, Michael.

“Howie fucking loves these mushrooms. He can’t get enough of them,” Nick announced, looking down into the bowl to make sure he got it all before sitting back down in his chair. He handed the bowl back to Amy with a grin and she laughed, thanking him kindly.

“Seriously? I got some I don't want,” Kevin offered.

“I don’t want any!” Howie screeched, as Kevin passed his plate to Kristin, who began shoveling Kevin’s mushrooms from his side of vegetables. Howie groaned, watching in horror as his steak was barely visible underneath the mountain of grossness. He stopped trying to push people off.

Everyone was roaring with laughter, the rest of the table finally noticing what was going on at the other end. Leigh leaned in and kissed Howie’s cheek, “I’m sorry babe. Don’t pout!”

“I’m not pouting,” he grumbled. “I hate mushrooms.”

“Don’t be such a baby,” Nick joked. Howie pointed a finger at him, “I swear to God, I don't care if it's Christmas, I will kick your ass.”

“Keviiiiin,” Nick whined. “Howard’s being mean!”

Howie tried to keep a straight face but found himself letting out a laugh at Nick’s stupidity, “I think Kevin was smart when he decided to take a break from us. You could drive anyone insane Nick.”

“Why, thank you. I pride myself on my crazy making abilities,” he grinned. Leslie rolled her eyes and Brian chucked a roll at Nick’s head. Nick cackled, throwing it back. Brian caught it before it could hit him and he stared at Nick proudly, “Thought you could get me ba-“

Brian was interrupted by another roll colliding with his face. He jerked his head back, surprised by the unexpected projectile. He looked across the table and found Leslie looking at him innocently.

“Was that you?” he asked. She shrugged, and he laughed, “It was you! Nick, you’re rubbing off a little too much on Leslie.”

“She’s my minion in training. She’s got such potential,” he bragged, pinching Leslie’s cheek teasingly. She batted his hand away and laughed lightly, “Back it up Carter.”

Brian smiled to himself, happy to see Leslie enjoying herself. He was afraid that his visit that morning would affect her for the rest of the day. He was happy to see that she wasn’t angry with him, though he had felt that she was at first. He knew it was unfair of him to show up like he did, but he just had to.

When they had arrived at Leslie's parents home, he had noticed her right away. She radiated a light that was hard to miss. He was drawn towards her. She wore a beautiful blood red knee length dress and it flowed about her as if she were a princess. She wore matching red heels and her hair was in curls, messily clipped upon her head, but looking flawless and natural. Her eyes sparkled in the dim light of the restaurant, her smile exuberating a calmness he hadn’t seen in her in quite some time. But the one thing he noticed more than anything were her earrings.

She had turned her head to speak to her sister’s fiancée, Michael, and the light had hit the diamonds in a way that caught his attention immediately. A small smile crossed his face and his heart skipped a beat, both shocked and pleased that she was wearing his gift. He had expected her to hide them away and pretend that he had never given them to her, but here she was, gorgeous and glowing, wearing the earrings he had bought out of the love he had for her. He wondered why she chose to put them on, and also wondered if she knew how much it meant to him.

She glanced at him and they both smiled lightly at each other, but they kept their distance, silently choosing to not touch or really address each other unless absolutely necessary.

Leighanne had tried her best to ignore Leslie throughout the night. She had barely looked at her and when she did it was to glare or to roll her eyes at something that was said. She was unbearable in Leighanne's eyes and she hated having to be there in the first place. However, seeing this recent small, random, playful act caused anger to flare up.

Leighanne glanced to Brian beside her and saw him smiling to himself as he stared across the table towards Leslie. Leighanne thought Leslie’s immature throwing of food was annoying, so seeing Brian getting enjoyment out of it only frustrated her more. She found herself staring hard at Leslie, glaring angrily.

Suddenly, Leighanne’s heart sank in her chest. When she had glanced at Leslie to see why Brian felt the need to be smiling, Leslie had shaken her head, laughter escaping her lips at something else Nick said. As she did this, Leighanne noticed the sparkling coming from her ears. She focused in, watching her earrings dangle and swing as she talked animatedly. The familiarity of those earrings struck Leighanne all too deep and it was only a matter of seconds before realization dawned on her. Those earrings were the ones she had found in Brian’s coat pocket. Those were her earrings.

Weren’t they?

She quickly looked to Brian in shock, wanting to say something, but knowing she couldn’t. He didn’t know she had seen them. She felt tears spring to her eyes and anger erupted within her. How could she be so stupid as to think that they were for her? She might have been faintly bothered if she hadn't received them for Christmas, and would have resigned to the fact that maybe he bought them for his mother or close friend. It never crossed her mind that he had bought them for Leslie, but it was clear that he had, and it infuriated her. It infuriated her and upset her deeply at the same time.

Did this mean that he was still sleeping with her? But how? She made sure to be near him at all times, giving him barely any breathing room. He couldn’t still be seeing her behind her back because she would know. And she had only found the earrings yesterday, but Leslie had been wearing them when they had shown up, so how did he get them to her? When had he seen her?

She felt herself losing control and she closed her eyes tight, trying to focus on her breathing so she wouldn’t cause a scene. She couldn’t let Brian know that she had seen the earrings, couldn’t let him know that she knew about him and Leslie. It would ruin her plans of a peaceful reconciliation between them.

“You okay?” Brian asked suddenly. Leighanne’s eyes snapped open, the diamond earrings sparkling across the table at her menacingly. Those were her earrings!

She wanted to scream.

She forced herself to tear her eyes away from the woman that had stormed into her life unwelcomed. She turned her head to look into Brian’s deep blue eyes and she feigned happiness. She smiled lightly, “I’m fine.”

“You sure? Baby making you nauseous?” he asked quietly. She shook her head, “No, not at all. I’m okay.”

He smiled, “Alright.”

Brian went to turn back to the conversation at hand, but Leighanne shot her hand out to grab his, “Brian.”

“What?” he asked. She swallowed hard, still desperately trying to get a hold of herself. She licked her lips, “I want to do it.”

He looked at her in confusion for a moment, but when Leighanne made no move to clarify her words, he suddenly understood what she meant. He leaned in and whispered, panic rising, “What...now?”

She nodded, “Yes, now. I want to tell them now.”

“But I thought we were going to do it tomorrow?” he asked. She could tell that he was frantic. His eyes were suddenly filled with worry and dread. She knew he didn’t want to tell because that would mean Leslie would finally know. This only encouraged her more, her anger towards Leslie nearly exploding.

“Now, right now,” she insisted. He looked at her sadly, “You sure?”

“Positive. And I want to say it,” she added. He stared at here for a moment longer, hoping upon hope that she would change her mind. He wasn’t ready for this yet. At least when she had told him they would tell everyone on Christmas Day, he thought he could prepare himself the entire night before. To psych himself up for seeing Leslie’s heart being broken once again.

The determination in Leighanne’s eyes told him he had no chance of her changing her mind. He wondered what had sparked this sudden need to announce their news, but he couldn’t exactly tell her no, because why should he? He should be yelling to the world that he was going to be a father. He should be rejoicing, but here he was trying to prevent that. Here he was still clinging on to denial.

He finally nodded, giving in, his heart sinking horribly in his chest, “Okay.”

Leighanne cleared her throat and picked up her wine glass and a butter knife before pushing her chair back and standing. She tapped the knife against the glass, trying to get everyone’s attention. Conversations slowly began to die down and Brian felt sick to his stomach. He felt the color drain from his face as everyone turned to look at Leighanne. Brian wanted to melt into the chair and hide from this moment, but he found himself rigid, his hands clammy. He felt exposed. He found himself staring, terrified and full of sadness at Leslie. He watched as her eyes turned to Leighanne, focusing in on what was going on. She didn’t even stop to regard him in anyway.

“Sorry for interrupting everybody,” Leighanne apologized, but smiled warmly. She set down her glass and knife and reached out her hand to rest on Brian’s shoulder. Brian stiffened. He yearned to reach up and bat her hand away, to loosen the tie around his neck, to fan his overheating, nervous body.

“Brian and I have something we’ve been meaning to tell all of you for quite sometime. We were going to announce it tomorrow, but we just couldn’t help ourselves. We’re just so excited,” Leighanne grinned, letting out a laugh. Leslie shifted her gaze to Brian for a second and found him staring at her intently. She looked away quickly, turning back to Leighanne.

“I told Brian not to tell anybody because we wanted it to be a surprise. And let me tell you, it’s definitely a surprise to us. I informed him about a week ago and he just couldn’t believe it,” she continued. Leslie furrowed her eyebrow at these words, she and Brian’s break up flashing before her eyes. Brian had come to her just a week prior to end it and he had avoided telling her why. She looked back to Brian, her face questioning. Brian could see her thought process and knew that she was thinking of the night the week before when he had told her that they were done. He knew she was wondering if she was finally going to find out why.

Leighanne sighed happily, rubbing Brian’s back lovingly. Everyone was silent, looking between her and Brian in anticipation. None of them knew what this was about. They couldn’t exactly be announcing their engagement because they had already done that nearly a year before.

“No use it prolonging it any longer,” Leighanne said. She put on a grin, her giddiness popping through, “We’re pregnant.”

Brian flinched slightly at Leighanne’s words. Yelling and laughter erupted throughout the room immediately, people springing up from the chairs in astonishment. Everyone was in such a state of uproar that they hadn’t noticed Leslie's unmoving frame.

Leslie was planted in her chair, rigid, transfixed. She sat with her hands resting in her lap, her eyes unblinking, her mouth slightly open. She stared down at her food, not really focusing in on it, but looking through it. She was in such a state of shock that she couldn’t even hear the exclamations and laughter around her. She had forgotten where she was and who she was with.

She felt like she had just been thrown back from her chair. The wind was knocked out of her. She felt numb, her muscles complete mush. The moment Leighanne’s last word escaped her lips, Leslie heard the world break open with a deafening ‘CRACK’. She could actually hear her life shattering painfully. Her mind was in a haze, the voices around her mumbled and far away. Her chest constricted and her heart screamed out in agony. It seemed an eternity before she blinked, the burning from her eyes telling her that she was still here, she was still breathing, she was still alive.

She moved slightly then, brought on when she blinked once more. She let out long, heavy breath, as if she were holding it in, and this unleashed a torrent of pain to crash down on her, as if she were holding it all back with just that one single breath. She hunched down slightly, her eyes burning fiercely, the room becoming blurry. She blinked again, the voices in the room becoming more clear to her, more loud. She looked up then, her eyes adjusting to the mass of moving bodies. She blinked again, her eyes slowly darting over the happy crowd as they surrounded Brian and Leighanne, until finally her eyes met with his.

Brian had told himself that when he and Leighanne were to tell everyone their news, he would refuse to look at Leslie. He had made a pact within himself that no matter what were to happen, he would not look at her. But when Leighanne began to talk, he didn’t once turn away. He couldn’t bring himself to. He saw Leslie go from intrigued and happy, to confused and sullen, to absolute and complete devastation.

Her reaction was immediate. She had nearly gone catatonic, sitting there with her face frozen in complete shock. She sat there, staring down at her plate, and he could see her tears brimming.

Kevin had jumped from his chair first, rushing over and yanking Brian up to hug him. Brian absentmindedly smiled, accepting words of congratulations, hearty claps on the back, huge bear hugs from AJ, Howie, and Nick, a sincere handshake from Michael, hugs and kisses from the rest of the girls. He could barely focus on any of it, his attention returning to Leslie time and time again. He asked himself how no one could see her sitting there, how no one could see how destroyed she was, because to him, it was all he could see.

She had glanced up to him after what seemed an eternity, her eyes watery. She looked at him in disbelief, her pain piercing his heart. She shook her head lightly, as if she were trying to convince herself that it wasn’t true. She was completely heart broken. All hope that she had of her and Brian ever being together was blown to pieces, but the fact that he couldn’t even tell her himself only worsened an already cruel situation.

Brian looked at her sadly, trying to communicate to her that he was sorry, that he wanted to tell her but he couldn’t. He felt her devastation as if it were his own and he had to force himself back from rushing to her, to hug her, to tell her how much he wanted to be with her, to tell her he loved her madly, and that he was sorry. Sorry for kissing her that Sunday afternoon at the piano, sorry for the hundreds of times he had made love to her, sorry for persisting on with their relationship when she wanted to stop, sorry for ruining her relationship with Nick, sorry for not leaving Leighanne sooner, for hurting her time and time again, for putting her in this horrible situation to finally just leave her completely alone to deal with it by herself.

“Leslie,” Amy stated tentatively. She had immediately turned to look to Leslie after Leighanne had made her announcement. She knew that Leslie was in more pain than anyone could comprehend at that moment. She had never seen her sister react to anything like she did then. She felt scared with how Leslie took the news, her desire to get to her surpassing anything else. She had congratulated Brian and Leighanne quickly, her focus mainly on getting to her sister, to talk to her.

“I’m gonna be an Uncle!” Nick yelled happily, throwing his arms in the air. Brian barely heard him, watching as Amy approached Leslie. He saw her bend down to Leslie’s level, talking to her quietly, her hand touching her shoulder tenderly. Leslie looked away from him and quickly glanced to her sister, blinking several times as if torn out of a trance.

Brian could not hear what Amy was saying over the loud roar of the room, but Leslie had pushed back her chair and stumbled past Amy to get to the door. Brian found himself moving forward then, an intense urge to follow Leslie overcoming him. When he stepped forward, Leighanne stopped him, throwing her arms around him happily. He stared over her shoulder, watching as Amy rushed after Leslie, the door slamming behind the two figures.

Leighanne had made sure to look to Leslie after she had said she was pregnant. A deep satisfaction crept within her when she saw how crushed Leslie seemed. She knew Leslie would be upset, but she didn’t know it would affect her to that degree. She had barely moved for what seemed like hours before getting up and rushing out of the room. She was completely happy with this outcome, except for when she looked to Brian and saw him staring at her just as devastated as Leslie was. She felt her heart sink in her chest, wondering if she had underestimated the true feelings in his and Leslie’s relationship.

Leslie rushed towards the bathroom, weaving in and out of tables, dodging waiters and food trays. She was only vaguely aware that her sister was trying to follow her, her name being called continually.

She felt like all the weight of the world had been shoved down on top of her and no matter how far she ran, it would never loosen its grip on her soul. She was slowly being pounded into the ground with no chance of escaping.

She burst through the Ladies’ room door, an old woman at the sink jumping, startled. Leslie ignored her and made a beeline for the handicap stall, swinging the door behind her, clicking it shut quickly. She stood there, her breathing erratic, her chest heaving, the room spinning. She raised her hands to her temples, closing her eyes as she pressed her palms against them. She shuffled her feet, turning every which way, trying to catch her breath, trying to calm down. Her heart was screaming and she felt her legs start to give way.

And then they came. It was like a levy had been broken, her tears erupting from her with such violence that she doubled over, her left hand shooting out to steady herself against the wall, her other hand holding her tightened stomach. Her body shook, her cries echoing in the bathroom. She struggled painfully to stop, but she only found herself weakening, her body leaning more and more against the wall as she sobbed.

She could barely see the stall, could barely see the lights shining down on her, could barely hear the music softly playing through the speakers, and of Amy calling out to her from behind the door.

She suddenly found herself sliding down the wall, her body colliding with the floor, her mind not caring how dirty it must be, that her dress would be ruined. She brought her legs up to her chest and she hugged them as tightly as her shaking body would let her. She buried her head in her knees, letting her tortured soul release everything she had built up.

“Les,” Amy pleaded, trying desperately to get into the stall. Amy had seen the old woman by the sink, staring dumbfounded at her. She had angrily snapped, “Do you mind? This is private!”

The lady blinked, picking her purse up off the sink and rushing towards the door. All the while, Leslie’s cries and sobs filled the bathroom. Amy desperately wanted to get on the other side of the stall, her terror of Leslie’s reaction unsettling her. She felt the urge to cry herself, knowing that Leslie’s devastation was something she had never seen before. She hated that her sister was in so much pain and she was scared that she wasn’t going to be able to come out of it.

“Sweetie, let me in,” Amy said desperately. Amy stepped back, trying to figure out what to do. She couldn’t leave her in here and she couldn’t risk anybody coming in to view this horrible, heart wrenching display. She rushed towards the bathroom door and latched it shut before going back to the handicap stall.

“I’m coming in,” Amy announced. She looked down at the floor and dreaded having to resort to what she was about to do, but Leslie wasn’t in any state to let her in, so Amy found herself carefully lying on her back, the cold tile of the bathroom jarring her senses harshly. She shimmied under the stall until her upper half was fully in, where she then reached up and pressed her hands against the door, pushing herself the rest of the way. When she was in, she immediately got to her knees, crawling over to Leslie’s balled up figure.

She wasted no time in wrapping her arms around her little sister, pulling her close, her head resting upon hers. Leslie allowed for this to happen, the comfort of her sister being there making her feel less alone. She leaned into Amy, releasing her arms from around her knees and instead wrapping them around Amy’s waist. She clung to her, crying into her dress.

Amy ran her fingers through Leslie’s hair consolingly, feeling Leslie’s body shake against hers, her warm tears seeping through the fabric of her dress. She didn’t care though, because her entire thought process was on being there for her sister, no matter the cost.

“This is so unfair!” Leslie suddenly cried. Amy responded, “I know it is.”

“And I’m so stupid!”

“You’re not stupid.”

“I am! I’m a complete moron!” Leslie cried, pulling back from their hug. Her face was streaked in tears and she hiccupped sadly, trying to catch her breath. “I thought that we were going to be together! I thought he cared!”

“He does care,” Amy soothed. Leslie shook her head, “He doesn’t! He’s known this for over a week and he didn’t tell me. He broke up with me because of it and he didn’t tell me!”

“He probably didn’t want to hurt you,” Amy reasoned. Leslie shot her a look, “Whose side are you on here?”

Amy narrowed her eyes, “What a horrible question to ask.”

Leslie stared at her sister for a moment, before her lip trembled and fresh tears came pouring from her eyes. She groaned, raising her hands to try and wipe the tears away, “I’m sorry Amy.”

“Don’t apologize,” Amy interjected. She reached out her hand to run her fingers through Leslie’s now disheveled hair, the curls falling from their designated places on top of her head. She sighed, “What are you thinking right now?”

“Loads of things. I can’t even form a coherent thought. My brain feels all jumbled and cloudy. It hurts,” she sniffled. Amy leaned over to unroll some toilet paper before bunching it up and handing it to her sister. Leslie took it and immediately brought it to her nose. She cried sadly, touching her chest briefly, “It hurts so much Amy.”

“I know it does sweetie,” Amy said quietly, leaning in to kiss her forehead. “But it’ll pass.”

“How can it?” she sniffled.

“You may not think it can, but it will. I promise you,” Amy insisted. “This will only make you stronger.”

“I don’t want to be strong. I just want to curl up into a ball and die,” Leslie said dramatically. Amy sighed, “No, you don’t. You don’t want to do any such thing. You’re my baby sister. You’ve been the strong one of the family since the day you were born and this time is going to be no different. You’re going to bounce back from this and be a better person for it. I’ll bet you’ll look back on this one day and laugh.”

Leslie felt another wave of sadness sweep over her, Amy's words barely affecting her. She let out a few more sobs, before incoherently crying, "I'm empty!"

"You're not empty," Amy said patiently. Leslie's tears were making her nearly incomprehensible, "I am Amy. I'm empty. I feel like there's nothing here anymore," Leslie raised her hand to touch her chest, "I feel like my heart's been torn out. I feel like I'm nothing, like I'm just a shell. I'm empty. I'm so fucking empty!"

Amy's heart melted for her sister, and she reached out to help wipe Leslie's tears away. She grabbed her hand, squeezing it tightly, "You're not empty darling. How could you be feeling so much right now if you were?"

Leslie didn’t respond but just sat there, staring down at the folds of her dress. She sniffled and occasionally reached up to wipe away her tears. Amy just watched, waiting until Leslie was ready to talk again. She was finally slowly calming down. Tears were still seeping from her eyes, but her breathing was beginning to steady. Leslie glanced at her sister, stumbling over her words a couple times before she found enough control to get them out, “I actually heard my world break in there. Like it was an actual sound in my head.”

Amy looked at her sadly, listening as she spoke. Leslie continued, “Out of all the things in the world, I never expected that. I thought that… oh, I don’t know what I thought. I don’t know what I expected, but Leighanne pregnant? I didn’t see that. I’ve been so blind Amy.”

“That’s no fault of yours,” Amy consoled.

“Isn’t it though?” Leslie sniffled. “I knew from the beginning that we shouldn’t do anything. I even stopped us from it a dozen times, but it got so hard, and we both gave in, and then it just progressed, and I knew we should stop, but we couldn’t. I felt so indestructible with him, thinking that things would work themselves out. I kept forgetting that I wasn’t the only woman he cared about. I was so stupid.”

Amy grabbed Leslie’s hand again, “This isn’t your fault Leslie.”

Leslie shook her head, staring down at the floor, “Why couldn’t he just tell me?”

Amy frowned, speaking tentatively, “You didn’t see it, but he was just as devastated as you were. The concern he had for you was so painfully evident that it would be shocking to me if no one else noticed it. He couldn’t keep his eyes off you honey. He was scared and upset, and he was trying so hard to keep things together.”

Leslie looked up at her sister and Amy tightened her hold on Leslie’s hand, “He’s not happy.”

Leslie didn’t respond, so Amy reiterated her point before, “He didn’t want to hurt you.”

“But I am hurt!”

“I know sweetheart, but so is he.”

“Good,” Leslie stated firmly.

“You don’t mean that,” Amy said. Leslie softened, sighing frustrated, bringing more toilet paper up to dry her eyes, “No, I don’t.”

“It’s obvious this wasn’t planned.”

“So what if it wasn’t though Amy? Not like it can be changed now. Leighanne’s going to have a baby. Brian’s baby. Don’t you see? There's no chance for us to ever be together now.”

Amy eyed her carefully, her words striking a chord within her that she didn’t expect, “You still want to be with him?”

Leslie looked away and Amy persisted, “Do you? I thought you decided you wanted to be with Nick?”

“I did,” Leslie said quietly.

“But you would leave him if there was a chance with Brian?”

Leslie hesitated before nodding her head sadly. Amy sighed, “Oh Leslie.”

Leslie looked back up to her sister, her voice cracking, “I love him Amy.”

Amy was stunned to hear these words. She leaned in, “You do?”

Leslie nodded, wiping her cheeks again, “Yes.”

“And you don’t love Nick,” Amy stated. Leslie shook her head in agreement and Amy sat back in astonishment. This situation was more complicated than she had originally thought. Amy sighed, knowing she had to attempt to get things moving, not knowing what to say or do otherwise, “This is totally shitty. It is. It's complete and utter crap that this has happened to you. You have such a good heart and it's not fair that you have to go through this, but you have to look at the bright side sweetheart.”

Amy reached over and pushed a few tendrils away from Leslie’s face, “Now you know for sure why Brian ended it right? And now you know that there’s no hope.”

Leslie rolled her eyes, scoffing, “Thanks a lot Ames…”

“I know that sounds harsh, but think about it. It’ll be easier to move on now, yeah? And you have the love of a good man. Nick’s perfect for you Leslie, you know that as much as I do. He’ll be there to love and care for you. He can support you in all the ways you need supporting. You may not love him, but I know you can grow to. You have so much love to give and to keep giving it to Brian would be unfair to everyone involved. It would be unfair to you.”

“But I can’t not love him,” Leslie objected.

“No, you can’t, but you can learn to hide it away to make room for new love.”

“But I don’t want to,” Leslie knew she was being difficult, but the unfairness of this entire situation was crashing down upon her and she wanted to lash out. She was angry that this was happening to her. She was angry because she had no say in what was happening. She had no choice. It was her life. She should be able to decide who she should be with, and she wanted to be with Brian. She wanted him so incredibly bad that it hurt. She softly whispered, new tears springing to her eyes, “I want Brian, Amy. I love him.”

Amy’s heart broke at her little sister’s words, the intensity and resounding truth in them striking Amy painfully. She felt terrible for Leslie and she knew no matter what she said here today was going to console her, so she pulled Leslie in to hold her once again, realizing that all she really needed at that moment was someone to listen to her tears and her heartache and just let her know that everything was going to be okay.

After nearly 5 minutes of silence, Amy quietly asked, “Want to go home?”

Leslie nodded against her, and Amy continued, “Alright then. Meet me out front okay? I’ll think of something to tell everyone alright?”

Leslie nodded again, sniffling. Amy got up and offered her hand for her sister to take. Amy pulled her up and helped adjust her dress, making sure she looked presentable.

“How do I look?” Leslie asked with a small smile. Amy let out a light laugh, reaching out her hand to wipe some of her tears away, “Like a truck just ran you over.”

“That good huh?”

“That good,” Amy repeated. Leslie followed Amy out of the stall and immediately glanced at herself in the mirror. Amy wasn’t lying. It looked like she had just walked through a mine field.

Leslie reached up and started pulling the pins out of her hair, watching as her blonde locks fell over her shoulders. She ran her hands through it once before joining Amy by the door, who waited patiently.

“Out front okay?” Amy reiterated. Leslie nodded and watched as Amy unlocked the door, pulling it open. A hoard of angry women stood outside, glaring at the two girls walking out of the restroom. The women all rushed past, trying to get into the restroom as fast as they could. Leslie flinched as they pushed past her angrily.

Meanwhile, as Leslie made her way towards the front of the restaurant and as Amy made her way back to the dinner, the private room had settled down some, though conversations and laughter were still just as loud. Everyone was sitting back down, eating dessert and drinking champagne, beer, and wine. Brian hadn’t said anything to anyone for the past few minutes, his eyes continually darting towards the door. It had been awfully long since Leslie and Amy had gotten up and left, and he was beginning to worry. He knew Leslie was upset, but he was now wondering if it was more than that.

Leighanne’s hand was grasping his firmly, but he made no attempt to really hold it back, his hand lying limp within hers. She didn't seem to mind much, talking animatedly with Kristen about baby names and what sex it might be.

Brian felt nauseous and antsy, feeling the room close in around him. He felt utterly alone and he felt the urge to flee. Just when he thought he was going to scream, he saw Amy at the door, closing it softly behind her. No one really noticed her, so immersed in their happiness that they didn’t really stop to see that Leslie was still missing.

Brian perked up, watching as Amy made her way to Nick, who was deep in conversation with Michael. Amy had glanced at Brian briefly and he was frustrated that he couldn’t see any definitive answer in her eyes. He watched earnestly as Amy bent down and touched Nick’s shoulder, getting his attention. He turned his head to look at her and his smile faded when Amy began to talk to him. He moved to get up from his chair, but Amy shook her head, pressing firmly on his shoulder to tell him to stay. He looked displeased and worried, but he submitted to her request all the same.

Amy turned to Michael and leaned in, kissing him on the cheek. He looked after her concerned as she made her way back to the door. Brian fought the urge to stand up and follow after her. He looked back to Nick, seeing him sitting there unsettled, his eyebrow furrowed.

Brian glanced to Leighanne and found her still immersed in her conversation with Kristin, so he leaned forward to get Nick’s attention.

“Hey,” he said quickly. Nick looked over to him, questioning. Brian watched as the door closed and he turned back to Nick, “Where she going? Where’s Leslie?”

“She’s taking Leslie home. I guess she’s not feeling well,” Nick said.

Brian’s heart sank, “Did she say what was wrong?”

He shook his head, “Nah. Wanted to go with, but she said Leslie didn’t want my night to be ruined. Amy will take care of her.”

As Nick spoke, he seemed to make himself feel better, his face relaxing. He reached for his beer and took a few gulps before jumping in on a conversation AJ was having with Kevin. Brian leaned back in his chair, staring down at his plate.

He felt so incredibly lost at that moment. He was worried about Leslie. Worried that she was angry with him, but even more so worried about how hurt she must be. He felt terrible, and he pushed all blame on himself. It was his fault, all of it. It was his fault that he didn’t end it with Leighanne. It was his fault he continued to sleep with her to make her think that they were fine. It was his fault for pushing Leslie into this. He should have left her alone. Why couldn’t he just leave her alone?

Of course, he knew why. He loved her, and he had always been the type of person to be passionate about everything he loved. Leslie was no different. He couldn’t give her up because then he would just be living yet another lie. He couldn’t leave her alone for his own selfish reasons, wanting her to be close to him always. He felt like he could breathe better when she was around, but not only that, he just felt good. Everything about him improved when she drew near and he found himself trying not to blink, worrying that he’d miss something important. He felt incredibly alive with her. How could he give something like that up?

And yet, he felt the universe closing in on him and he began to doubt his actions. He had given her promises he could not keep. He had lead her onto a path that she had initially resisted, but he had persisted, finally winning her over, and now he had broken her heart. He found himself wondering how he could go on living with this guilt, knowing that he had hurt her so deeply.

He also began to question the path he had taken. If he could go back, would he change it? If he could go back to the first day he met her and had made her hate him, made her not want to be with him, would he do it? Would he risk not knowing the love she had inside and risk not knowing her true beauty? Risk not knowing what happiness really felt like? He knew there was no debating the answers to these questions because if he really could go back, he would change everything in an instant. He would change it if it meant her not getting hurt, because that’s what it all amounted too. He was supposed to protect her, but it was actually he that wielded the weapon that destroyed her heart. It was him. Entirely, indubitably him.

His eyes began to burn and he blinked them furiously away. He didn’t want to be here anymore, he didn’t want to be anywhere. He wanted everything to disappear, for him to disappear, for everything to no longer exist, because then he could escape this pain that gnawed into him, because then he could forget how deeply he loved and cherished Leslie, and just go on being.

God dammit, he cursed to himself. Why couldn’t he have just left her alone?

Are you there?
Are you gone?
Do you care?
Is anybody home?
Cause something’s lost,
In your eyes.
Are you blind?
You're caught up in the lies
~You’re Not Alone by Nick Lachey

Amy peered through her vanity mirror at her sister across the room who was busily searching through her suitcase. Amy hesitated, not wanting to bother her, knowing she didn’t get much sleep the night before. She had heard her cry off and on throughout the night, but she didn’t attempt to console her. She knew Leslie needed her ‘alone’ time. She needed to work things out with herself.

They had gotten home last night and Leslie had immediately gotten into bed, refusing to talk to their mom and dad. Amy explained to them that she had a stomach ache and they reluctantly went to bed, but not without offering every service imaginable. Amy had to shove them out of the room, knowing that their fawning over her wasn’t helping matters.

Nick had showed up a little while later, knocking quietly at the door. Amy got up and answered, knowing that he was bound to check up on her at some point. He looked through the door concerned, trying to get a look at her figure in the bed. Amy blocked his view, convincing him that she was feeling better. He had given in reluctantly and trudged off to bed.

Then the morning came and Leslie had acted like nothing was wrong. Amy could see through her facade however. She kept quiet though, not wanting to bring up something that Leslie so clearly was trying to forget. It was nearly dinner time now and she had yet to really show any other emotion but happiness. Amy didn't know if she should take this as a good or bad thing.

Amy bit her lip, letting Leslie thrash about a few more moments before turning around, setting down the mascara she was just about to apply. She watched as Leslie frantically yanked things out of her bag, absentmindedly throwing things over her shoulder.

“Lookin’ for something?” Amy teased lightly. Leslie groaned, not once slowing her actions. Amy approached her, putting her hands on her hips, unable to stop a small smile from forming on her lips at her sister’s antics, “What in the world are you looking for?”

Leslie spun on her knees, brandishing a black heel, shaking it angrily, “This!”

Amy raised her eyebrow, “Looks like you found it just fine.”

“Not this one Amy, the other one! How the hell do two shoes get separated?” she exclaimed, dragging out another bag and diving in. Amy watched her for a few more moments until Leslie jumped to her feet, nearly screeching, “Fuck it!”

Amy flinched, “Leslie, calm down.”

Leslie sighed, glancing over at Amy quickly before looking around at the mess she had so easily created, “Sorry.”

“I got a pair you could use,” Amy offered. Leslie’s demeanor softened, “Really?”

“Of course you dork. You need black?” She asked, stepping over piles of clothing to get to her bags. Leslie nodded, the tension she had inside releasing. She plopped down on the end of the bed, taking a quick look at the clock. She sighed inwardly, feeling dread rise within her; only 15 minutes until they all arrived.

Amy slowly came back and reached out, handing the heels over. Leslie took them gratefully, smiling lightly, before slipping them on. Amy looked around at the room and smirked, “So ya gonna clean this before they get here?”

Leslie laughed lightly, “You know me well enough to answer that.”

Amy let out a laugh herself, looking down at the floor, “Take that as a no.”

Leslie stood up and went over to the vanity mirror to check her hair and make up. Amy was about to do this herself before something caught her eye. She stepped over a few obstacles Leslie had thrown about and reached down, picking up a wrapped present. Amy turned it over in her hands, trying to see if it was addressed to anyone. When she saw no name, she looked over at Leslie and asked curiously, “What’s this?”

Leslie rubbed her lips together, making sure the gloss was applied evenly before she looked at her sister in the mirror. When she saw the present in her hands, she shrugged, “It’s nothing.”

“Nothing huh?” Amy said, squeezing its contents to see if she could get an idea of what was inside, “It came out of your bag didn’t it?”

“So?” Leslie said nonchalantly, checking her curls.

“Can I open it?” Amy asked, putting her fingers under the tape to rip open. Leslie suddenly spun around, exclaiming, “No!”

Amy smirked, “So… nothing is it?”

Leslie groaned, walking over to her sister and snatching it from her hands, “It’s just a Christmas present.”

“For whom?” Amy persisted, watching her sister set it down on the bed before going to the mirror to make sure her dress was presentable. She turned, looking back over her shoulder to look at the back of her dress. Amy asked again, “For whom?”

Leslie put her hands on her hips and stared at her sister, “Why do you need to know so bad?”

“Because it’s my nature butthead. I’m just as nosey as you are,” Amy responded. Leslie bit her lip, “Seriously Amy, it’s nothing.”

Amy squinted her eyes at her sister, “What is it? Drugs? You're not in cahoots with the Colombian mafia are you?”

Leslie laughed, sitting down on the bed, but gently falling onto her back, setting her hands on her stomach. Amy went and sat next to her, picking the present up once again. Amy leaned down, pouting at Leslie. Leslie rolled her eyes, sitting back up, laughing, “For goodness sakes Amy! I sometimes think I'm the older one and mom and dad have just lied to us all these years.”

Amy continued to pout, “Come on, what’s in it?”

Leslie sighed, snatching the present from her and staring down at it as she turned it over in her hands. She shrugged lightly, “Just a journal.”

“A journal?” Amy asked, a look of pure disappointment on her face. Leslie looked over at her and scoffed, smacking her arm lightly, “I’m sorry it didn’t reach up to your high standards my queen.”

Amy laughed, “I’m sorry, I was just expecting something different.”

“Like what?”

Amy shrugged, “Something expensive? Something cool?”

Leslie pushed her sister and Amy giggled, “Alright already!”

“It’s for writing songs and stuff,” Leslie explained. Amy raised her eyebrows then, “Writing songs huh? Who would need a journal to write songs in?”

“Lots of people,” Leslie said innocently. Amy eyed her sister carefully, watching as Leslie stared down at the present, her sadness peeking through. Amy spoke up, realization dawning over her. She turned a bit more serious, “I thought you told him you didn’t have a gift for him?”

Leslie looked over at her, not entirely surprised that she had figured out who it was for, “I did.”

“So what’s this then?”

“I got it before we broke up. Didn’t see the point in giving it to him anymore,” Leslie said softly. Amy replied, “Why not? It’s just a journal. He gave you those earrings even though he bought them before ya’ll broke up, so why not give him a gift too?”

“Because it just wouldn’t feel right,” Leslie said a bit more forcefully. Amy frowned and Leslie continued, “It’s stupid anyway.”

“I think he’d like it,” Amy said quietly. Leslie knew Amy’s words were true. He would like it.

Leslie glanced down at the gift once more before setting it off to the side, “Maybe so, but with everything that’s happened…” She paused before she finished, “It just wouldn’t be the right thing to do.”

Amy furrowed her eyebrow, not exactly understanding what she meant by those words. She opened her mouth to speak, but stopped, hearing a knock at the door. Leslie perked up, “Come in!”

Their dad, John, poked his head in, “Guests have arrived.”

They both smiled at him, nodding. He gave them a loving smile before closing the door again. Leslie stood up, “Well, here goes nothing eh?”

Amy looked at her sister doubtfully, “You gonna be okay?”

Leslie shrugged, “I’ll be alright. It’s just a few hours right?”

Amy bit her lip, “Yeah, I guess so.”

Leslie looked down at herself before grabbing the sides of her dress, slightly curtsying. She smiled, “How do I look?”

“Beautiful as always baby sister,” Amy replied with a small smile. Leslie leaned in and kissed her cheek, “So do you love.”

Amy watched as Leslie scampered out of the room and sighed, getting up herself. She glanced down at the present sitting on the bed silently and suddenly felt an idea pop into her head. If Leslie wasn’t going to give it to him, then she would. It was just a silly journal. What harm could it do? Besides, it was unfair for her to not give him something when he had spent a fortune on her.

She smiled to herself, deciding to come and get it later. She turned on her heel and left the room, making her way to join the party downstairs.

She knew Leslie would be angry when she found it missing, but she would have to be grateful. It wasn’t healthy to keep something like that around. She knew Leslie wanted him to have it. I mean, why else would she bring it on the trip? She was just doubting herself. Amy would just help it along, that’s all.

Of course, she wouldn't have done it if she had known what else was inside.

~~~~~~~

Once Leslie had left the room, she walked down the hall, hearing the voices down below getting louder. Her heart accelerated in her chest, being able to pick out one particular voice through the mass of noise. Brian was happily greeting her parents, thanking them kindly for having them over, and wishing them a Merry Christmas. She approached the top of the stairwell and paused, taking a deep breath.

She had been telling herself all morning that it would be okay. She would be surrounded by a group of people. She wouldn’t even have to get close to Brian if she didn’t want to, and she definitely didn’t want to. She was emotionally and physically exhausted from the night before and she knew she wouldn’t be able to handle anything else. She prayed that he kept his distance, hoping that he realized her need to be away from him.

The fact was, the more she thought about it, the more betrayed she felt. She was hurt, sure, but he had blindsided her. Though they weren’t officially a couple, they had felt like one. When he ‘broke’ up with her, she had taken it hard, but she had no idea it was because he was starting a family with the woman that had been there years before her. She felt cheated in some way. She knew that was ridiculous, but it was the truth. He had made her feel like she was the only one. He had made her feel like Leighanne didn’t matter. He had promised her a life together.

And then there it was; the truth of his decision in all its horrible and disgusting glory. She wished he had told her that night in Argentina because at least it would have been coming straight from his lips. At least she’d be there with him, alone. But she had cruelly found out surrounded by a group of people; a group of people that were ecstatic no less. She nearly fainted at the news, her entire life suddenly feeling like a complete lie.

She had been deceiving Nick, that was pure fact, and she absolutely hated it, but at least she knew her relationship with Brian was real. She knew it was truth. It was something physical, something she could touch. He was her sanity, but last night, all of that had been torn violently away from her. She felt like what they had was all a sham. It was all a lie. He was no longer there anymore and she was left to wade in a pool of regret and loneliness, because that’s where she was at now; she was alone. So utterly alone.

She let out a sigh, pushing all those horrible thoughts aside, trying to think of something happy. She forced on a smile and reached out her hand to grasp the railing. She took a step, but suddenly jumped startled, a hand grabbing hers and pulling her up off the stairs. She looked up surprised, seeing Nick there before her. He smiled at her, before pulling her into her old bedroom, closing the door behind them.

Leslie looked at him oddly, “What are you doing?”

“Merry Christmas babe,” he smiled, turning to her. She found herself smiling back even with all those sad thoughts sifting through her brain. She watched him make his way towards her and allowed him to lean down and kiss her gently. She kissed back before joking, “Merry Christmas to you, too. For the thousandth time today.”

“I feel like we haven’t really had a chance to see each other these past couple of days,” he said, slipping his hands around her waist to rest at the small of her back. She put her arms behind her back, interlocking her fingers with his, “I know, I’m sorry.”

“We’ve been busy,” he said understandingly, walking her towards the bed. He gently pushed her down onto the mattress so that she was sitting. He let her hands go and walked across the room. Leslie watched him curiously, “Whatcha doin’?”

“I have something for you,” he explained, snatching up a piece of paper from the dresser before making his way back over to the bed. He sat down next to her and she looked down at what was in his hands. She turned to him, worry bubbling to the surface, “But we already exchanged gifts. I don’t need anything else.”

He shook his head, “Leslie, courtside season tickets for the Lakers next year is hardly what I call a Christmas present.”

She looked at him weirdly, “What planet are you from? Those tickets cost a fortune.”

He laughed, letting what looked like a card turn over in his fingers, “But it wasn’t sentimental.”

“Oh Nick, I don’t need anything sentimental. I love what you got me,” she said softly. He nodded, “I know you do babe. It’s just... I’ve been wanting to do this for you for awhile. Let me okay?”

Her heart pitter pattered in her chest at his sincere eyes, the love emanating from him piercing her. She nodded, giving into him. She smiled, “Okay.”

He stopped fiddling with the envelope in his hands and gently handed it over, watching her in anticipation. She took it and glanced at him one more time before flipping open the unsealed tab, sliding out a blank white card. She stared down at it in puzzlement and looked over at Nick for guidance. He laughed, “Open it.”

She stared back down at the blank card, slowly flipping over the cover. As she did this, a picture began to slide out and she quickly snatched it before it fell to the floor. She set the card absentmindedly in her lap, her focus entirely on the photo in her hands. She stared down at the picture, not sure what to make of it.

“What-“ she began to ask, puzzlement enveloping her. He smiled lovingly, “She’s yours.”

She looked into his eyes, searching for an answer she wasn’t getting just yet. She turned back to the picture. A Corgi puppy was lying in a plush dog bed, a pink bow tied around its neck. It laid there, its little head peaking out over the side of the bed, its ears perked up, its eyes soft and adorable. Leslie froze, feeling her heart stop for a moment. She suddenly knew what this was and she quickly looked to Nick, “She’s what?”

“She’s yours baby,” he said softly. Tears sprang to her eyes immediately, feeling goosebumps spring up over her skin. She tried to speak, but found her voice stuck in her throat. He could barely hear her words as she responded, “Mine?”

He nodded, “She’s waiting for you in New York. The breeders flew her out there. Melissa’s watching her until the tour starts again.”

Leslie was speechless. She looked back down at the adorable, beautiful puppy before shaking her head in disbelief, “How did you do this?”

“It wasn’t easy. The breeders didn’t want to sell a dog to someone they haven’t met, but with a little time and a little convincing, I got ‘em to do it.”

“Nick,” Leslie breathed out, a couple tears finally slipping free. Nick reached over tenderly to wipe them away, “I love you Leslie. I know you’ve wanted a puppy since you were a little girl. I wanted to make you happy.”

“You do make me happy,” she said, fighting the urge to burst into tears of joy. He smiled at her, “I know, but I wanted to do this for you. See, now you can fawn over something other than me.”

Leslie let out a happy laugh at his little joke, sniffling slightly. She lunged forward then, unable to contain herself any further. She threw her arms around his neck, kissing him hard. He flew back on the bed and she crawled on top of him, kissing him all over his face frantically, “Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!”

He laughed at her happy reaction, her onslaught of kisses catching him off guard at first. She finally stopped and stared down into his face, unable to wipe the grin off her face. He slowly stopped laughing and cupped her face, running his fingertips across her soft skin. She searched his face, love overcoming her at that moment. She leaned down and kissed him softly and he kissed back, slowly sitting back up, but never parting. He gently stroked her cheek as he massaged his lips against hers.

She pulled back after a minute, saying softly, “You’re so good to me.”

“I only do it because I love you,” he replied. She sighed inwardly, her heart melting at the man sitting before her. He was downright amazing. She was so incredibly lucky to have him. She had told herself this a thousand times before, but it finally seemed to sink in. She felt like screaming at the top of her lungs in utter joy, wanting to tell everyone that she had the greatest boyfriend alive.

Not only did she realize this, but right then, at that very moment, she finally began to truly believe that she too might love him. Through all her sadness from these past couple of weeks, she had forgotten that she had someone here to care for her. She had acted like she was completely alone in the world and she was actually so very far from that. She had Nick. She had this wonderful, loving, compassionate, adorable, sweet man. She had this man that was so madly in love with her.

She sighed happily, kissing him lightly once more before saying, “I love you too, Nicky.”

He smiled at her, rubbing her back affectionately, “So whatcha gonna name her?”

Leslie smiled, looking back down at the picture she clutched in her hands. She didn’t even have to think about it. She’s known the name of her future dog since she was five years old, “Maggie.”

“Maggie huh?”

She nodded, smiling over at him. He grinned back, “I like it.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Very fitting,” he said, kissing her cheek gently. She closed her eyes as his lips touched her skin. Her realization of just how lucky she was rained down on her and she basked in it, “Thank you so much. I wish I had something else to give you.”

He stood up, holding out his hand for her to grab, “Just pay me back in sexual favors later.”

She laughed, slipping her hand into his. He grasped it and pulled her up. She rolled her eyes, “What a way to ruin the mood doofus.”

“I do what I can,” he grinned, kissing her one more time before saying, “Come on, they’re probably wondering where we’re at.”

She longed to stay in this room with him, to get lost in each other’s kisses and each other’s eyes, knowing that once she walked out of that door, she’d be reentering a world she had longed to escape. Nick had provided her shelter for those few minutes alone and she had been truly happy. She didn’t want it to end.

She clung to his hand, secretly wishing that they could both run away. They could slip out the back door and head to the airport, fly to Figi, and just be together. She knew these thoughts were ridiculous, and they quickly dissipated when they descended the stairs.

Her happy high had nearly all but vanished when she saw him. He stood in the living room, his back facing her. Nick called out to everyone in the living room and he slowly turned. His handsome face immediately looked towards her, his blue eyes piercing through to her heart. He smiled and all the strength and courage she had built up for this very moment suddenly, painfully shattered.

For this is wisdom – to love and live.
To take what fate or the gods may give,
To ask no question, to make no prayer,
To kiss the lips and caress the hair,
Speed passion’s ebb as we greet its flow,
To have and to hold, and, in time – let go.
~Ella Wheeler Wilcox

“How far along is she?” Amy asked curiously to Brian. He once again tore his gaze from Leslie, who was across the room talking with Kevin, Kristin, and her parents. Brian turned to Amy, watching her take a sip of the wine in her hand, “Uh, not sure actually. We haven’t gone to the doctor just yet. Kind of hard to when we’re traveling all the time you know?”

Amy nodded knowingly, watching as Brian’s eyes glanced back towards Leslie once he had finished his statement. Amy followed his gaze, a bit frustrated that he wasn’t really focusing in on their conversation. He was highly distracted, he had been the whole night, but she was trying to get to know him better, to see what her sister saw, to understand where her sister’s feelings came from.

“I’m right here you know,” Amy announced, waving a hand in front of his face. Brian darted his head towards her, “What?” Amy motioned her eyes in the direction of Leslie and Brian’s eyes widened, “Oh… sorry. Just kind of out of it I guess.”

“You’ve been burning holes into her all night,” Amy mused. “Doesn’t she get boring to look at after awhile?”

A small smile danced its way onto his lips, and he shook his head lightly, “No, not really.”

She caught him glance Leslie’s way again and she reached out, turning his face to hers, “You may think you’re being sly and that no one can notice, but you’re wrong. It’s obvious. You might want to settle it down.”

He looked at her anxiously, “I’m sorry, I can’t help it.”

“She’s told me everything you know,” she said carefully. She wasn’t exactly surprised to see that this wasn’t new news to him. He nodded, looking at her sincerely, “I know.”

Amy eyed him carefully before continuing, “You don’t seem very happy. What with the baby and all.”

“Should I be?” he asked sarcastically, leaning forward on his knees casually. She leaned forward as well, their position on the couch a bit of a distance from anyone in hearing range, but still close enough to feel the need to lower their voices.

“I don’t know, you tell me. Seems to me most men in committed relationships would be overjoyed at the news of being a father,” Amy pointed. Brian caught how she slightly emphasized the word ‘committed’ and smiled, “You know, for someone that’s been told everything, you’re not very good at making inferences.”

“No, I am, I’m just trying to humor you a little,” she replied. He chuckled lightly and then slightly jumped at the sound of Cathy’s loud laughter from across the room. Amy giggled, “She’s kind of got a distinct laugh.”

“I can tell,” he joked. Amy spoke up again, wanting to get back on track, “So why not leave her?”

“Leighanne?” he asked. Amy nodded, slightly glancing at the woman in question in the dining room, engrossed in a conversation with Rachel and Leigh.

“Because it wouldn’t be right,” he explained. Amy raised her eyebrows in surprise at his answer, “And sleeping with my baby sister is?”

He narrowed his eyes at her comment, “That’s different.”

“How so?”

He sighed, not wanting to discuss such a topic just then, never really having to answer to his actions or his moral beliefs before, “Look, I was raised to do the right thing. I know that sounds hypocritical, especially because of Leslie and I, but it is different. Leslie just happened. I didn’t plan on falling for her. I didn’t plan on cheating on Leighanne. It all just happened, and we let our emotions and our desires get out of control. I can’t justify that because it would be a loss cause. I can’t really defend my actions either because I know they were wrong, but at the same time I can’t apologize for it.”

He paused, watching Amy’s sincere face look at him carefully, listening intently. He licked his lips to continue, “How can I apologize for something that’s brought me such happiness? For something that’s brought new meaning to my life? I can’t lie to myself like that, not anymore at least. You know Leslie more than I do, but I know that she’s a good person, and that it’s not in her character to deceive the ones she cares about, just as it’s not in my character either, but we did it, are doing it, because there’s something there. Something that I can’t explain. I really can’t Amy. I’ve sat down plenty of times to think this whole mess through and I can’t get a single answer except that we just seem to fit.”

Amy wasn’t expecting all this, but she welcomed it all the same. His sincerity was touching. He glanced over at Leighanne and sighed, “I was leaving her you know. I was leaving her to be with Leslie.”

He looked quickly back to Amy, his voice a bit desperate, “Because that’s what I want Amy. I want Leslie. Not just as a lover and a friend, but as a companion. I wanted to know what it felt like to hug and kiss her without having this underlying guilt festering under my skin all the time. I wanted to know what it felt like coming home to her, to wake up with her there every morning. I wanted all that a relationship entails, but even more so because I knew it would be different with her. I knew that if I could just be with her that I wouldn’t just be trudging through my day to day life like some goddamn singing zombie, but actually have a real meaning to everything. But now…”

Brian paused, looking down at his clasped hands. Amy leaned forward slightly, wanting him to go on, “But now?”

“Leighanne’s pregnant,” he said matter-of-factly, “And through all my sins, I couldn’t bring myself to commit another, knowing that my kid would be tremendously affected by it. If I were to have left Leighanne, I would have finally turned my back on everything that I had ever been taught and had ever believed in. I was willing to sacrifice nearly everything to be with your sister, but I can’t do that to my kid Amy. I can’t leave him behind.”

She looked at him sadly, wanting to tell him that he could still leave her, that he could still raise his kid with them apart. Brian marrying Leighanne when he didn’t love her would be just as bad. His child would be born into a broken home either way, but she knew that her words wouldn’t sway his decision. He clearly valued his family, and she could tell that he was going to try his hardest to fix things, with himself and with Leighanne. He didn’t want to give up on something without giving all he had to give, because then he would regret it for the rest of his life. But of course, he was too blind to see that giving Leslie up would be just as regrettable.

Brian looked at her expectantly, worrying what her next words would be. He didn’t expect her to understand, just like he didn’t expect anyone to understand, but he hoped that she could find some logic in his reasoning. He relaxed a bit when she smiled at him lightly.

Amy shuffled through all the things that she wished to say to him, but she soon settled on something that had been nagging at her since the words left his mouth. Out of everything that he had stated, this stuck out the most to her. He had said it so nonchalantly, but it had struck her hard.

She bit her lip before asking quietly, repeating his quote, “You didn’t plan on falling for her?”

Puzzlement overcame him as he struggled to remember what she was referring to. She pressed on, “You fell for her?”

His stomach churned unsteadily, not realizing that he had slipped with those words. The look on his face told Amy that he had, and she asked, “Does she know?”

He shook his head slightly, “No, and please don’t tell her.”

“I wouldn’t dare. Not now anyway. She’s had enough to deal with as is,” she said. He looked at her gratefully, and she reached out, setting her hand gently on his back, “Brian, I may not completely understand what you’re going through, or why you’ve done the things you’ve done, but I know from the sincerity of your words that you truly care for her. You’re a good man, that much is clear, and it’s not my place to pass judgment.”

She paused before continuing, “But I think you should talk to her.”

Brian frowned, “She won't."

“How do you know?” she asked.

“Because she’s avoided me all night. She hasn’t said a single thing to me, and she’s barely looked my way. She obviously doesn’t want to talk to me,” he reasoned.

“She just needs time,” Amy replied. “But it would help the both of you out if you would just be honest with her. She’s lost a big chunk of her life, so of course she’s going to avoid you. It’s what any girl would do. It’s a defense mechanism.”

Brian looked across the room, watching as Leslie talked animatedly to her father, her audience listening intently, smiles blossoming across their faces. He turned back to Amy, “You know, for me breaking Leslie’s heart, you’re being really nice.”

She shrugged, “I don’t know you well enough to really hate you and besides, Leslie wouldn’t want me treating you badly. Though she may be angry and upset right now, she wouldn’t want to cause more pain out of pure spite.”

His heart softened at those words. Leslie was a better person than most of the world. She was extraordinary, and he greatly admired that about her. It’s part of the reason why he loved her as much as he did.

For a few moments, silence settled down around them, the chattering and laughter flowing throughout the house. Amy hesitated, wondering if she should say and do what she was about to, feeling her conscience tug annoyingly at her heart and brain. She watched as Brian dropped his head to look down at his hands, the table, the carpet, at anything but Leslie.

She sighed, before saying, “Leslie bought you a Christmas present.”

Brian looked over at her, a bit startled and taken aback by her statement, “She didn’t have to do that.”

Amy shook her head, “Well, I mean, she bought it before ya’ll broke it off.”

He furrowed his eyebrow, “She told me she didn’t.”

“She lied,” Amy said flatly. He asked, confusion evident, “But why?”

“She said that it wouldn’t feel right to give it to you,” she explained. “But I think it has more to do with what’s happened with you two lately."

“Why are you telling me this?” he asked, eyeing her carefully. She shrugged, “Because it’s obvious that she wants you to have it. She wouldn’t have brought it with her if she didn’t, but she’s convinced herself not to give it to you. That’s one of Leslie’s problems; she thinks too much and as a result, she starts to doubt herself. I don’t think it’s healthy for her to keep it around, so, I’m giving it to you instead.”

He looked at her doubtfully, “I don’t know Amy…”

“Just stay here alright? I’m gonna go get it,” she announced. He watched as she stood up and he grabbed her hand, stopping her. He shook his head slightly, “If she wanted me to have it, she would have given it to me.”

She stared down into Brian’s blue, worried eyes, “Let’s just pretend for a moment that I’m Leslie’s sister and therefore know the inner workings of her mind more than you do, and then let’s just say that she’d regret it if it never got to you.”

Brian sighed, letting go of Amy’s hand, “Alright, fine, but not now. It wouldn’t look right having you give me a gift when we only met yesterday.”

She thought this over for a second before nodding, taking her seat beside him once more. They talked for a little while yet, before she was called by her mother to help tell a story of when Leslie was little.

Brian debated joining the laughing group, but decided against it out of respect for Leslie. It was obvious she didn’t want to be near him right then, and he wasn’t going to push himself at her. He had hurt her enough as is, so instead, he got up and went and sat with Nick and AJ, who were busy playing a game of chess.

After a couple more hours, everyone began to gather their things and head out. It was nearly 11 at night and they all worried that they had overstayed their welcome. Of course, that was ridiculous, but they were all tired anyway. They had to get up early to head up to Vail for skiing.

Amy had rushed upstairs as everyone grabbed their coats from the hallway closet, beginning to make their way towards the front door. She snatched the present up from the bed and made her way downstairs, being sure to hide the gift from view behind her back. She was happy to see Brian close by, slipping on his peacoat. He shook John’s hand, thanking him for their hospitality and once more wishing him a Merry Christmas.

Amy came up from behind him and nudged him slightly. He turned to her, immediately looking down at the present she held out to him slyly. He took it quickly and slipped it under his coat, smiling at her gently. She gave him a warm hug, before letting him wander through the crowd to say bye to Cathy, Michael, and finally Leslie.

She felt relieved to have the present finally in his hands, knowing that Leslie would be grateful in the long run. She wouldn’t have to worry about it any longer, or regret later about not giving it to him. She felt like she did a good thing.

People started filing out of the door, the cold winter air bursting through the foyer. Amy hugged herself, trying to stop her shivers as she watched as people lingered, finishing up small conversations. She caught Brian hugging Leslie out on the porch, and wasn’t surprised to see Leslie’s pained face from over his shoulder. He had leaned in to say something quietly to her, but she jabbed her finger at him, saying something harshly before stepping back from him. His face crestfallen, he turned and followed AJ to one of the awaiting taxis.

Amy watched as Leslie came back into the house. She thought about stopping her to ask if she were okay, but instead decided to leave it alone. Leslie pushed past to get to the kitchen, knowing that she was about to go on a cleaning spree. She usually did when she was stressed out or upset. It was therapeutic for her. Amy always wished she had such a random, productive vice.

Amy sighed, wishing that she could somehow make it better for Leslie. She wondered how long it was going to take for her to get over him, because she really had no choice otherwise. She felt incredibly bad then, realizing that Leslie’s battle to regain some sort of control over her life without being bombarded by Brian was going to be difficult, especially with the tour only halfway over.

Amy thought about how if it meant that Leslie would no longer be hurting, she would change places with her in an instant, but then she knew that wouldn’t be fair. Leslie would pull through this, and be a better person because of it.

~~~~~~~

All Brian could think about was the package hidden snugly underneath his coat. The entire taxi ride back to the hotel seemed ten times longer than it really was, his desire to know what was inside making him antsy. Not only that, but Leslie's reaction to him when he had left bothered him greatly. He had hugged her gently, and not being able to help himself, had whispered to her that he was sorry. She had jabbed her finger at him angrily, saying harshly, "Don't", before walking away from him. He hadn't expected this, but he understood her anger.

Once he and Leighanne got back to their room, Brian made his way to the bathroom calmly, immediately hiding the present under the sink, before continuing to get ready for bed.

After what seemed like ages, he now finally lay next to Leighanne, staring at the darkened wall, listening to her steady breathing. It had been over an hour since they had turned out the lights, but it had seemed like an eternity. He waited patiently however, not wanting Leighanne to wake up in the midst of his discovery.

After a few more minutes, he finally decided that it would be safe to get up. He slowly slid out of bed, making sure not to disturb the covers too much, or drastically shake the bed. He stood still for a moment, waiting to see if Leighanne would stir, but when she did not, he tip toed his way towards the bathroom, being sure to keep his steps short and deliberate.

When he got to the bathroom, he closed the door quietly behind him, flinching slightly when he heard the click of the latch. He paused, but upon hearing no noise or movement, he flipped on the light, quickly turning his attention to the sink. He bent down, swinging open the small doors. He got down on his knees and reached behind the pipes, feeling the paper slip through his fingers. He clamped down on the gift, pulling it out towards him.

He settled back against the wall, staring down at the wrapping, smiling lightly at the singing cartooned snowman that was repeated over and over again across the package. He felt excitement rise within him as he examined the gift within his hands.

He wasted no time, slipping his fingers underneath the tape and tearing the paper away, trying to be as quiet as possible. He quickly picked up the leather bound book, looking it over carefully, before noticing a piece of paper lying haphazardly in his lap. He set the book aside for the time being, snatching up the scribbled on paper, recognizing Leslie’s handwriting at once.

Merry Christmas love! I know it’s not much, but you’ve been writing like a fiend lately. Your notebook is kind of falling apart (it’s definitely seen better days…), and I know you’re attached to it, but you have to get a new one at some point right? I found this in Scotland. It’s real leather, and the coating at the edges of the paper is made from real gold leaflets. I saw it and immediately thought of you.

Brian smiled, pausing in his reading to look back at the notebook. He reached over and ran his fingers across the cover, the musty smell from the leather wafting towards him. He gently flipped through the pages, seeing them completely blank.

I hope you haven’t seen what else is inside already. If so, this entire next portion won’t really matter much, but I just wanted to explain. I’ve kept a diary since the beginning of middle school. You know this already because we’ve had plenty of random talks on what I write about. I write about my life, plain and simple. I do it because I want to be able to look back on any particular day to see what went on, who I was with, what my feelings and thoughts were. I’ve never adapted well to change, you know that, and I think this is a way for me to hold on to something solid, as a way to cope with losing and gaining new things throughout the years. Having these diaries let me know that I’ll never fully lose anything, you know?

Brian flipped over the letter and continued to read.

So, I know I’m babbling, but that’s me right? A babbling mcbabbleson.

Brian laughed to himself at her nickname, immediately remembering when he had called her that. One night, she was talking up a storm, about anything that came to her mind, from hotel sheets to socks, from how cool remote control buttons feel to why advertisers choose to bombard us with incredibly stupid car commercials. He had only watched her in amusement, finally teasing her by calling her a babbling mcbabbleson.

Let’s get to the point then yeah? Since we’ve finally decided to be more than what we are… to finally be together…

Brian froze suddenly, feeling his skin go cold. He cursed under his breath, realizing that she had written this letter and wrapped the present before he had broken up with her. He had stupidly assumed that she had done this recently. He suddenly felt like he should stop reading, knowing that Leslie had no longer wanted him to see this. However, as much as he wanted to just fold it up and put it away, his curiosity wouldn’t allow him, so he reluctantly looked back down are her scrawled handwriting, picking up where he left off.

…to finally have me as yours, I thought that maybe it was time for you to see what I write about you. You asked me once how I felt about you, and I had dismissed the question, only saying that you were wonderful. I did this because I was still terrified at what you were making me feel, not knowing what we were really doing or where we were going, but now I know that this is real. What we have is real.

I noticed the other day that nearly all my entries from the day I first met you to now are all about you. I didn’t realize how much you consumed my life until then, and it scared me a little, but it also excited me. Just goes to show how much you’ve come to mean to me and how involved you are in everything that I do.

I’m sorry love, I’m probably boring you to tears…

“Not at all,” Brian whispered, completely enraptured by her words

I’ve thought about telling you how I feel face to face, but I know that I wouldn’t be able to express what I really wanted to tell you. I seem to be better at expressing my feelings in writing more than in words(Funny how that works). So I figured, why not let you see what I see? Why not let you experience through my eyes how I see you, how I see us?

Brian suddenly felt very uncomfortable.

So, I tore out a bunch of pages, ones I thought mattered most, and put them on the inside cover of the notebook. You can give them back to me when you’re done, but there’s no rush. We have all the time in the world now don’t we?

Anyway, Merry Christmas my love. Finally yours, Leslie

Brian set the letter down in his lap, his mouth completely dry. He hadn’t expected this. It was extremely thoughtful on her part, and very fitting. He had on numerous occasions tried to peak over her shoulder at what she was writing, had tried to steal her journal to see what it was she always seemed so engrossed in, but she had stopped him everytime, not giving him anything. Now he finally had the chance to feed his curiosity, but he held back, feeling that he was invading her privacy. He thought to himself that he technically wasn't though, because she had flat out given him what he had tried to get for so long.

He looked down at the leather bound notebook and frowned. He had barely noticed his hands shaking as he reached out to grab the gift he now secretly wished he never received. This gift was meant for him before. It was meant for the Brian that had yet to hurt her.

He ran his fingers over the cover once more, guilt rising within him. He knew he shouldn’t have this. Had Amy known what it contained? No, she couldn’t have. She wouldn’t have dared give him something that contained something so personal.

He reasoned with himself, going back and forth from flipping over the cover to devour every word, to telling himself to wrap the gift back up and return it to Leslie as quickly as possible, assuring her that he had not even touched the pages. The latter, he knew, would help nothing. Embarrassing her wasn’t the smart way to go, and besides, she had wanted him to have this. There had to be a small part of her that still wanted him to have it. Why else would she have brought it with her?

He took a deep breath, and though still hesitant, he convinced himself enough to go through with gently pulling back the cover of the journal. He swallowed, the torn out pages lying neatly folded within its binding.

He tenderly picked the wad of papers up and flipped them open, her beautiful scrawl jumping up to greet him. He immediately noticed the date at the top of the first page, May 13, 2007, knowing immediately what this entry would be about.

He leaned back against the wall and slowly began to read.

The greatest thing you’ll ever learn,
Is just to love,
And be loved in return.
~Moulin Rouge

Amy froze when she entered her and Leslie’s bedroom, watching as Leslie threw her already scattered clothes around the room. Leslie rushed about frantically, looking every which way for something obviously very specific. Amy knew what it was in an instant.

Leslie was still in her dress, which meant that when she had come upstairs 15 minutes before claiming to get ready for bed, she had commenced scouring the room for the gift she had gotten for Brian. It was only until Amy said goodnight to her parents that she joined Leslie. She thought Leslie would be in bed by now.

“What are you looking for?” Amy asked curiously, though she already knew. Leslie stomped her foot, her breathing heavier than normal, her eyes on the verge of wildness. At the sound of Amy’s voice, Leslie seemed to freeze, her head darting in her direction, “Where is it?”

Amy looked at her puzzled, “Where is what?”

Leslie pointed her finger at Amy, “You had it last. It was right here on the bed. What did you do with it?”

Amy closed the door behind her, not wanting anyone else in the house to hear this. Amy sighed, wondering why Leslie was freaking out like she was.

“Amy, where is it?” she asked desperately.

“I gave it to him,” she announced flatly. Leslie’s complexion paled instantly, her face dropping into a look of complete shock, “What?”

Amy stepped forward, feeling the urge to quickly explain, “I only did it because it was the right thing to do. You wouldn’t have brought it along if you didn’t want him to have it right? You would have regretted not giving it to him.”

“You gave it to him?” she asked quietly, acting as if she didn’t hear a word she just said.

“I gave it to him,” Amy repeated. Leslie suddenly burst, her words finally sinking their teeth into her, “Amy! What the fuck were you thinking!?”

Amy flinched, stepping back at her sister’s sudden angry outburst. Leslie stepped forward, waving her arms wildly, “Do you have any idea what you’ve done!?”

Amy blinked, not once expecting this sort of reaction, “What do you mean? It’s a journal.”

“It’s not just a journal!” Leslie yelled. Leslie cursed loudly, putting her hand to her forehead, pacing furiously, trying to comprehend what had happened. How could Amy do this?

“You said it was a journal. Why are you freaking out over this? It’s nothing,” Amy said defensively. Leslie’s eyes flashed, “It’s everything! God Amy, it wasn’t just a journal!”

“Then what was it?”

“I tore out pages of my diary for him! Entries from the day I met him until the day before we broke up.”

Amy’s heart jolted in her chest, “What?”

Leslie held back the urge to scream, but instead cursed again, turning away from Amy. Amy swallowed hard, feeling sick to her stomach, “Leslie, I didn’t know.”

Leslie spun around, “Why would you do that!? What makes you think you could play around with people’s lives like that!? If I wanted him to have it, I would have given it to him!”

Leslie suddenly looked sick, her hand clutching at her stomach. She lowered her voice, “Oh God, he’s probably reading them right now.”

Amy stepped forward, guilt instantly overcoming her, “Leslie, I’m so sorry. I wouldn’t have…” She shook her head desperately, looking at her sister sadly, “I would have never given it to him if I had known.”

Leslie’s pale face only grew paler and she slowly sat down on the bed, looking across the room blankly. Amy tentatively sat next to her, “I’m so sorry.”

Leslie didn’t answer for what seemed like hours, only sitting there in silence, obviously trying to get a hold on herself. She felt incredibly embarrassed and exposed. She wondered what Brian was thinking and what his reaction was.

She opened her mouth to speak, though weakly, “I don’t know why I brought it.”

Amy took her hand gently, and Leslie continued, glancing over at her sister, shaking her head lightly, “I don’t know why. I think a part of me still wanted him to have it. I think I still thought that we had a chance.”

“I’m sorry,” Amy repeated yet again. Leslie shook her head once more, her anger seemingly gone. She had fully accepted what had come to pass, “It’s not your fault. It’s mine for even having it in the first place.”

“But I shouldn’t have given it to him,” Amy said sympathetically. Leslie smiled lightly, squeezing her older sister’s hand, “You thought it was just a journal, I probably would have done the same thing if you were in my place.”

These words relieved Amy somewhat, but she still felt incredibly bad, “If it means anything, Brian didn’t want me to give it to him.”

“He didn't?”

“He said that if you wanted him to have it, you would have given it to him,” she said. “I had to convince him that I knew you wanted him to have it.”

“Did he open it here?” Leslie asked hopefully, wanting more and more to know what his reaction had been. Amy shook her head sadly, “No. I gave it to him when everyone was leaving.”

Leslie turned her head away, disappointment evident.

Amy spoke up, “He’ll understand. If anything, he’ll just feel more horrible about everything won’t he?”

Amy had intended to make Leslie feel better, but instead it only saddened Leslie further, “I don’t want him to hurt anymore.”

Amy’s face fell as she listened to her sister speak, “I don’t want him to be unhappy.” Leslie turned back to her sister, “I can’t go tomorrow.”

Amy furrowed her brow, “Why not?”

“I’m too embarrassed. I can’t bear being there with him knowing that he’s read everything that I’ve ever written about him. I bared my soul in those entries Amy. I made such a terrible mistake.”

“No, you didn’t darling. At the time you had the best of intentions, and it was the perfect present under the circumstances. It’s probably the most thoughtful gift he’s ever received,” Amy tried consoling.

Amy’s words barely affected Leslie. She announced firmly, “I can’t face him, not yet.”

Amy disagreed with her sister’s decision, but she also understood it at the same time. She thought she should face him, to finally talk things out and hopefully move on, but she could see why Leslie needed some time away from him. She has probably never felt this exposed or vulnerable before in her entire life.

Amy nodded, bringing Leslie’s hand up to her mouth to kiss it quickly, “It’ll be okay.”

“You think?” Leslie asked worriedly. Amy smiled, “I don’t think, I know.”

Leslie sighed and said sadly, “I should go tell Nick. He's not going to be happy."

“Just tell him you aren’t feeling well,” Amy suggested, knowing that Leslie definitely wasn’t feeling her best. Leslie got up and nodded, “Alright.”

Amy watched as Leslie made her way across the room, physically being able to see her try and compose herself. Amy frowned, “I really am sorry.”

“I know you are,” Leslie said, smiling back at her lightly. “But it’s probably for the best. Who knows what could come from this right?”

~~~~~~~

That Night

Brian sat next to the burning fire in the cobbled stoned fireplace. He leaned back against the wall of their rented cabin, feeling the heat coming from his right warming his body. He could see snow flakes drifting outside through the paned glass windows. He was grateful to finally be inside, his limbs finally thawed from their long day of skiing. The fire crackled behind him, the light dancing across the paper he held in his hands. He tried shielding it from anyone that would look his way, but at the same time was so engrossed in re-reading the words that he had somewhat ceased to care.

That morning, he had been disappointed to see that Leslie had opted out of coming. Nick didn’t look all too pleased, saying that she wasn’t feeling well, and that she wanted to stay home with her family for a couple days. He said he wanted to stay, but she insisted that he come.

Brian knew the real reason she had for not coming, and he credited it to himself. He knew she had found out that he had received her gift. He could only imagine the amount of embarrassment and vulnerability she must be feeling. As much as he wanted to see her, to talk to her, he understood her need to be alone. He would have the same reaction if he had written about her how she had written about him.

Brian had read over her entries more than a dozen times, letting the words drift up into him to lie peacefully in the shadows of his brain. Every word held a power to them, a new meaning, and he eagerly ate them up. In a way, it was as if she were there with him. In a way, reading line after line of her thoughts and feelings, she was really his and only his.

She spoke of the first day that they met at the dance studio where she rehearsed for Britney Spears’ tour. She described what she felt when she first laid her eyes on him, mentioning that his smile was beautiful beyond words, and that he had affected her in a way that she did not expect.

She wrote of the dreams she had of him, and her worries and concerns about why she couldn’t get him out of her head.

She wrote of the first dinner he, Leighanne, she, and Nick had together. She expressed her guilt in wanting to be in Leighanne’s position to know what it felt like to have his affection. She spoke of her feelings for Nick and how they had progressed into something more than she had expected, but also about the fact that his presence seemed to inhibit her time with Nick.

She wrote of his eyes and how they seemed to pierce her heart purposefully, of his voice and how it sent chills down her spine. She wrote of their dance routine and how every time he touched her, she felt herself go weak. She wrote of her guilt in wanting him, fantasizing about what his lips would feel like against hers, and what it would be like to make love to him.

She wrote of their growing friendship and of her conflicting feelings, of Nick’s love for her, and her uncertainty for him in return. She had on numerous pages spoke of his singing, claiming that it was the sweetest and most pure sound that she had ever heard, that every word that flowed out of his mouth held the same amount of passion and sincerity that it always had. She consistently expressed her admiration for his character and his heart, for his courage and love that he had for everyone in his life.

She spoke of the day he had walked in on her playing the piano and how she had felt her entire world spin about her as he kissed her. She wrote of how he felt against her, of how perfect he seemed to fit within her, of how he seemed to know all the things she loved without any prior knowledge.

She talked of her guilt for deceiving Nick, but her overwhelming happiness for Brian’s affection all at the same time. She had entry after entry of their secret rendezvous’ throughout the tour. She tried justifying her actions, but she also questioned herself continuously. She wondered if what she was doing was worth it or if she was throwing what she already had out the window. She doubted that what they had was real, even though her feelings had developed strongly for him. She didn’t know what his intentions were or how he truly felt, his love for Leighanne obviously holding him back from them going any further.

She spoke several times of wanting to leave Nick, knowing that it wasn’t fair of her to do this behind his back, not when he cared for her as much as he did. She also spoke of her fears of ending up alone, of taking a chance on something she had no real surety of. Her fears are what kept holding her back from ending it with Nick, thinking that within time she would grow to love him just as much as he loved her, and that Brian was just a fling.

Her last couple entries mentioned her anger towards Brian for showing Leighanne the affection that she had finally captured from him. She felt betrayed and foolish, realizing her blindness and insignificance in this huge mess they called an affair.

It wasn’t until the very last entry that Brian really got caught up in her words. He had perked up immediately at her discussion of the night they had slept together once again, but how this time she had gone out on a limb and had asked if he wanted to be with her. He had and as a result, she was going to finally end it with Nick, knowing that Brian was going to finally end it with Leighanne. She wrote of how hard it was going to be for them to go public with their relationship, how it was going to be rough with the fans reactions, with the rest of the guys’ reactions, but especially Nick’s. She thought of quitting the tour and coming back to Colorado, debating if her and Brian should wait until the tour was completely done before announcing themselves as a couple. She went back and forth through many ideas, not knowing what would be the best route, worrying about what would happen.

This all affected Brian greatly, seeing that she was willing to risk her career, her friends, her reputation, and her life for him. She understood the gravity of the situation and what it would mean to Brian and his career. She knew that it would affect him personally and professionally more so than her, and she expressed her desire to listen to what he wanted and how he wanted to go about everything. She feared for the consequences, but then spoke of how she knew it would be okay in the end because she would finally have him. She felt safe with him, and knowing that he would be there for her, for her to be his, comforted her greatly.

But what stuck out the most in all of this were the last few lines she wrote. He sat there by the fire, re-reading the same lines over and over again, his heart soaring in his chest at those few words.

I know that it’ll be hard, but I know even more that everything will be alright, because I’ve come to see that I love him dearly. I’m so madly and hopelessly in love with him that it wouldn’t make sense for everything to not turn out okay.

I could say it a million more times and it could never grow old:

I love him, I love him, I love him.

I love him madly.

And for this, I finally feel like I know myself. I finally feel complete. I finally have meaning. I finally have love.

I finally have him.

Brian sighed, his eyes wandering back to her professions of love.

I love him dearly… I love him madly...

If she only knew that he felt the same way. If he could, he would run to her to tell her that he loved her dearly, that he loved her, he loved her, he loved her, that he loved her madly.

“Yo Bri.”

Brian sat up straight at the sudden voice that seemed to boom through the room. He was instantly torn from his thoughts. He quickly folded the paper, trying to hide it within his hands, as he looked fearfully up. Nick stared down at him, smiling slyly, “You okay?”

Brian cleared his throat, hearing his heart pounding in his ears, “Yeah, I’m fine, you just startled me.”

Nick took a seat next to him and Brian used the opportunity of Nick looking away as a means to slip the paper in his pocket. Nick rested his head against the wall, glancing over at his friend, “What are you doing over here anyway? You should come play dominos with all of us.”

“I just needed some alone time, that’s all,” Brian explained. Nick looked concerned, “You feeling okay Bri? You seem kind of down lately.”

Brian warmed to Nick, looking over his friend’s worried face. He suddenly realized the lack of alone time they have had these past months. They hadn’t really hung out together, but that was credited to many circumstances. They were constantly busy, so when they weren’t, Nick tried to spend most of his time with Leslie, just as Brian did.

Brian felt pangs of guilt sting his conscience then. Through his obsession with Leslie, with his desire to constantly be around her, to feel what she made him feel, he had truly forgotten that Nick was indeed a part of this. Of course, he knew he was always a part of it, but it didn’t really sink in until now the deep emotional connection he had.

He had not only been cheating on Leighanne, he had been cheating Nick, his best friend. Brian felt his heart ache terribly in his chest, the culmination of everything that he had done, with Leslie, with their break up, with Nick, crashing down on him, “Just tired is all.”

“You’re nervous about the baby aren’t you?” Nick asked. Brian sighed, “Yeah, I guess you could say that.”

“That’s normal,” Nick said. “I can only imagine what I would feel like if Leslie came to me saying she was pregnant. I’d be happy, but I’d be nervous as hell. I’m not ready for that, and even if I was, there’s still all that sudden responsibility that you have. It’s gotta be overwhelming.”

Brian nodded, thankful for Nick’s understanding, “It is.”

Brian continued to look at his friend, feeling a huge urge to spill everything that he had done to him. He normally would tell Nick everything, because surprisingly, Nick was one of the best listeners that he had ever known. Nick liked talking to people and helping them out. It was in his nature, and it was part of the reason he and Nick had gotten so close.

But unfortunately, he couldn't. What was the worst out of all of this was the one thing in his life that he needed someone to listen to him for was the one thing that he couldn’t talk about because Nick was involved. Nick’s heart was involved.

Brian felt disgusted with himself for how selfish he had been. Why had he been so blind as to exclude Nick, to exclude the rest of the guys? Why had he risked everything? For love? It seemed like a good enough answer, but as he sat there next to his best friend, he began to wonder.

“We’ll always be friends won’t we?” Brian asked suddenly. Nick looked at him confused, not expecting such a random question, “Yeah, why wouldn’t we be?”

Brian shrugged, “Things happen you know? I just want you to know that you’re a great friend and you’ve always been there for me.”

Nick didn’t understand where this was coming from, but he could hear in Brian’s tone that he shouldn’t be questioning him at that moment, “You’re a great friend too, Rok. One of the best.”

“You’re like a brother to me,” Brian said sincerely.

“You’re a brother to me too,” Nick said, eyeing his friend carefully. He knew there was something else going on with Brian than he was willing to let off and he wondered why that was. He understood that he must be freaking out about Leighanne’s pregnancy, but he felt that it was more than that. It’s like there had been an underlying restlessness to him, even way before Leighanne had gotten pregnant.

“Where’s this coming from?” Nick’s curiosity got the best of him. Brian shrugged once more, “No where in particular. Just been thinking a lot lately.”

Nick nodded knowingly, immediately relating to his statement, for Nick had been thinking a lot lately as well, “Me too.”

Brian perked up at his words, jumping at the opportunity to get the attention off of him, “About what?”

Nick felt a sudden excitement rise within him, and his curiosity over Brian’s behavior quickly dissipated, “A lot of things actually. I actually came over here to talk to you about something.”

Brian was intrigued, but also excited to finally have something else to talk and think about. He felt like he was getting back to his roots with Nick. It had been far too long since they had ever really ‘talked’ about anything, “Talk away.”

Nick hesitated, trying to figure out how to say what he was about to say. He carefully formulated his words, “So you’re getting married.”

Brian nodded slowly, “Yes…”

“So you had to propose and all that,” Nick continued. Brian slowly repeated, wondering where this was going, not really expecting Nick’s need to talk to center around him and Leighanne, “Yes…”

Nick lowered his voice slightly, excitement clearly evident over his features, “How did you know it was the right time to do so?”

“Do what?”

“Propose.”

Brian didn’t respond at first, only watching Nick’s look of anticipation, his eyes big and happy. Brian had a sinking feeling in his stomach when he began to realize where this was going. Brian gave him the benefit of the doubt however, “I don’t know. Just knew I guess. Thought about my future and what I wanted. Thought about what I could see happening and if I would be happy.”

“So you saw that Leigh would be in your future?” he asked eagerly. Brian nodded, though he now knew he no longer wanted Leigh in his future, “I did.”

Nick sat back, seemingly content with his answer, before speaking up again, “Did you know she’d say yes?”

“Yeah, I guess I did,” Brian said. “But a part of me worried she’d say no, but that’s natural I guess. There’s always that fear of rejection.”

Nick nodded as if he knew exactly what he were talking about, “Why’d you wait so long to do it?”

“What do you mean?” Brian asked puzzled.

“You guys were together 3 years before you proposed. Why didn’t you do it sooner?” he asked.

“Because it wasn’t the right time yet,” Brian said simply. Nick’s face fell a little bit, and he asked, “So you think people should wait a couple years before getting married?”

“Well, I don’t know, it really depends on the couple now doesn’t it? Everyone is different. My grandparents only dated a few months before they got married, and they were together for nearly 60 years, and then I know some friends back in Kentucky that dated for 5 years before getting married, and after 1 year they got a divorce. There’s really no set time in a relationship where it’s right to get married. I’m just saying that for Leighanne and I, it took 3 years to get there. Before then, I just knew that I wasn’t ready.”

Nick seemed relieved at this, and his eagerness returned, “So you don’t think 7 months is too soon?”

Brian narrowed his eyes at him, finally wanting to know where this was going, “What’s this about Nick?”

Nick couldn’t help but smile and he found it hard to get out what he wanted to get out. Instead, he reached down into his pants pocket and pulled out something rather small. Brian couldn’t see what it was just yet, as it was hidden still in Nick’s hand. Brian stared down at it curiously, until hearing Nick speak up, “I want to ask Leslie to marry me.”

Brian’s body jerked suddenly at Nick’s unexpected statement. He felt like he were choking as he stared in disbelief at Nick’s grinning face. Brian watched as Nick opened his hand, revealing a small black box. He popped it open and a dazzling ring sparkled before his eyes. Brian gaped at it.

“What do you think?” Nick asked. Brian was speechless. Was this really happening? Was this real? Did he slam into a tree on the ski slopes and he was just in a coma, having the worst nightmare of his life?

Brian shook his head disbelieving, “Wow, Nick. I don’t know…”

Nick looked at him worriedly, “You think it’s too soon?”

Brian continued to shake his head, not really at Nick’s question, but at the craziness of this situation, “Are you sure this is what you want? It’s a big step.”

Nick clapped the box shut and set it down, “It is what I want. I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately. I’m happy with her. She’s different than all the other girls and I know that what we have is something I’ll never get again. I love her Rok.”

Brian looked at him sadly, the truth in his words unsettling him. He knew Nick was happier than he had ever been being with Leslie. She was good for him. He needed her and she had the capability to love him deeply.

Now knowing that he and Leslie could never be, what was the point in holding on to it anymore? It was unfair to him, to Leslie, to Nick, to Leighanne. Why not support his friend when he needed supporting? Even if it did hurt him terribly.

“You think she’ll say yes?” Brian asked quietly. Nick smiled, waiting a moment before nodding lightly, “Yeah, I think she will.”

Brian smiled lightly back at his friend, seeing how happy Nick was with his decision. Brian clapped his hand on Nick’s back and said, “Then do it. Life’s too short. If you know you want to spend the rest of your life with her, then you shouldn’t waste your time. She’s special. You don’t want to let that go.”

“So you think it’s the right thing to do?” he asked carefully.

“I think that for you to even consider marriage is a big thing. You used to cringe at the very idea.”

Nick laughed, “Yeah, I guess I did.”

“So it has to be the right thing if you believe so strongly in it. You love her, so go for it,” Brian said with a smile, even though his heart felt like exploding.

Nick grinned, “Thanks man.”

“Anytime,” Brian replied. Brian felt the urge to end the conversation, but his curiosity held him in, “When are you gonna do it?”

“Oh, I wasn’t sure. I was still debating if I was even gonna do it. I was thinking this trip, but since she didn’t come, that kind of ruined things. I want it to be perfect you know? I know how much it means to her to get married, so I want everything to be how she would want it. Maybe her birthday?”

Brian felt his skin go cold, “That’s in 2 weeks.”

Nick nodded, “Yeah, I know. I was thinking of throwing a party for her and then pull her off to the side and do it. I don’t know though.”

Brian tried not to show how upset he was, “That’s actually a great idea.”

“Yeah?” Nick asked hopefully. Brian nodded, “It is. It would be a nice birthday present. Girls eat that stuff up.”

“I guess they do,” Nick smiled. “Well hey, thanks. I feel better about this.”

“That’s what I'm here for,” Brian replied. Nick looked over to the kitchen where everyone was huddled around the table, still immersed in their game, “You wanna come play?”

Brian glanced to where Nick was looking and scrunched up his nose, “Nah, I think I’ll pass. I think I’m gonna pack it in early tonight.”

Nick clapped Brian’s back in a friendly, happy gesture and got to his feet, “Suit yourself. Snowboarding tomorrow right?”

“Right,” Brian smiled. Nick nodded triumphantly, “Excellent.”

Brian watched as Nick returned to the table to resume playing, and all the while he held back his urge to cry.

I love him dearly… I love him madly...

I love him, I love him, I love him.

Brian looked down into his lap, feeling the folded paper in his pocket. He loathed its presence then, wishing he had never laid eyes upon it. He wished that he had never met her. He wished he didn’t love her.

But God, how much he loved her.

But that didn’t matter anymore. They were done. They were not meant to be. He was meant to spend his days with Leighanne, and hers with Nick. That was how their destinies rolled out. Those were the paths that they were to take. It was finally time to move on.

It was time to finally let go.

And with this thought, he could hear her words echo into oblivion, until finally they disappeared completely.

I love him dearly…

I love him madly…

I love him…

I love him…

I love…

I love...

I...

Silence.

I've got an angel
She doesn't wear any wings
She wears a heart that can melt my own
She wears a smile that can make me wanna sing
~Angel by Jack Johnson

To Brian, the rest of the ski trip wasn’t very enjoyable. It was actually border on torture. Nick had adopted taking Brian off to the side every now and then to see if his ideas of proposing were worthy enough. All Brian could do was nod his head and say they were all good ideas and that Nick would know what to do when the time came. He told him not to think too much into it because it wasn’t supposed to be like that. Proposing wasn’t about acting with your brain, but from your heart.

Though Brian was upset about the entire situation, he tried to hide it as best as he could. He supported Nick with his choices and urged him in the right direction. Though it hurt him terribly to see that Leslie was growing further and further away from him, he couldn’t help but be happy for Nick. There was a new light in him that was never there before. He seemed to be enjoying life so much more fully now with Leslie then he ever had before. Who was he to deny his friend such happiness?

On other fronts, Brian joined in on baby conversation when it was brought up, seemingly excited to become a father. He joined in on wedding talk, only being able to display the weakest of excitement, but still being convincing enough to not be questioned. He did his best, and that’s all he could say.

They were now back in Denver. They were to leave in the morning to go their separate ways for a few days, to meet up with family or have a little R&R before joining up again in New York to begin the US and Canadian leg of their tour.

He had yet to see Leslie and he worried that he wouldn’t get to before they all left. Everyone had gone over to her parents' house earlier to say their last thanks and to talk for a little while. Brian and Leighanne had opted out however, because Leighanne had claimed to be too tired from all the traveling. She begged Brian to stay in with her, to just cuddle and watch a movie. He had no desire to be there with her, but he stayed all the same, reasoning that it was the best thing to do to hopefully get back to where he and Leigh once were. Like Bill Murray in ‘What About Bob?’, it was all about baby steps.

He told himself it was best to stay away, but he was drawn to Leslie even more so now that there was this gigantic space between them. This had been the longest he’d gone without seeing her in months. It was an odd feeling, and it gave him a sense of what life would be like without her being there everyday, and he certainly didn't like it.

That night, he slept horribly, tossing and turning constantly. Leighanne complained every chance she could, so Brian ended up on the couch by morning. He had given up on sleep and had just lied there on his back, staring up at the ceiling. He stared off into space, not focusing on anything really, so totally engrossed in his thoughts.

He thought of anything and everything when it came to Leslie. From looking back at some of their most intimate moments, to cursing himself for hurting her like he did. He thought about Nick wanting to propose to her and wondering about what her answer would be. Most of all, he daydreamed of what life would be like if things had been different. He pictured a life where they were together. It was she who he went to sleep next to every night and woke up to every morning. It was she who he was planning a wedding with. It was she who was pregnant. It was she in his future.

The following morning, when Leighanne was in the shower, Brian snuck out of the hotel. He knew that starting up the tour without talking to Leslie would not only affect his performance, but hers. He knew he needed to talk to her, not only for professional reasons, but because they needed closure. He couldn’t go on not knowing what she felt and what she was thinking. But what really drove him to catch a cab to her parent’s house was the simple fact of his gigantic desire to just see her. To be there next to her, even if she wasn’t his.

He had arrived at the house and wasted no time in knocking on the front door. Amy answered, obviously shocked to see him standing there. Brian asked to see Leslie, and after much protest from Amy, she finally gave in.

“She’s not here,” she said exasperatedly. Brian’s heart dropped, “What do you mean?”

“She’s just not here,” she reiterated. “She went for a walk.”

“It’s freezing out. Who goes on walks in the snow?” he asked. She crossed her arms, “A lot of people. Not like you’re going to die by walking around the block.”

“So she’ll be back soon then?” he asked hopefully. She shrugged, “I don’t know.”

“Well, when did she leave? I can catch up with her if you know which way she went.”

“It’s not like that,” Amy sighed. Brian looked at in her confusion, “Not like what?”

“She’s not here,” Amy waved her hand as if to address the neighborhood itself.

“I know she’s not here,” Brian said, getting a bit frustrated. Amy rolled her eyes slightly when she saw Brian mimicking her hand gestures. She continued, “What I’m trying to say is that she’s not walking around here. She has a place. It’s her thing.”

“Her thing?” he asked warily.

Amy nodded, “Her thing. One summer, we just found the place over by the foothills. It’s quiet and isolated. It’s a good place to go read or walk around. It just became her place.”

Brian stood there for a moment, feeling slightly defeated in his venture. He was willing to wait for her to come back, but when would that be? He had a flight to catch in a couple of hours and if he didn’t get back to Leighanne soon, he’d have a lot of questions to answer.

Then it dawned on him. His eyes lit up at the thought, “Where’s this place at?”

Amy looked at him skeptically, “You’re not serious.”

“I’m totally serious. I need to talk to her.”

Amy eyed him carefully for a few moments before deciding that he wasn’t going to give in, “What do you need to talk to her about anyway?”

“Things,” Brian dismissed the question hastily, eager to get a move on, “Come on Amy. Where is it?”

Amy sighed, “Fine, I’ll show you, but if you hurt her anymore Brian, there’s going to be hell to pay.”

Brian grinned at her even as she jabbed her finger at him warningly. He stepped forward and wrapped her in a warm hug. Amy was taken aback at first, but she soon fell into a light chuckle and patted his back, “Let me get my coat and we’ll go.”

Brian watched as she disappeared into the house and then soon came back out bundled up and ready to go. As she closed the door behind her, Brian quietly asked, “Nick doesn’t know I’m here right?”

She shook her head, walking down the sidewalk to her car, “No, he’s downstairs with Dad. He’s getting the infamous gun collection tour.”

Brian felt relieved at this and slid into the passenger’s seat of Amy’s Subaru, “You won’t tell him right?”

Amy looked over at him oddly, “Why would I do that?”

Brian shrugged, and added tentatively, “I don’t know. You women do strange things sometimes.”

“And you men don’t? Mr. I’m-getting-married-but-let’s-have-a-love-affair-with-my-best-friend’s-girlfriend.”

“Don’t get cheeky.”

Amy snorted with laughter, “No, no, I would never think to get ‘cheeky’.”

Brian smiled. He was glad that Amy was being so receptive to him. If he were in her position, he didn’t think he’d be so nice. If he had a little sister, he’d be extensively protective over her heart and he sure as hell wouldn’t allow a guy she’d been sinfully involved with near her. Of course, it’s different with guys I suppose. Besides, Amy seems to understand that there’s more to he and Leslie then just some random fling.

After about twenty minutes, Amy pulled off on a side road. Neighborhoods, major shopping areas, and busy streets soon disappeared behind them. It wasn’t long before the road was no longer paved, and they bumped along gravel until Amy finally pulled up to a grove of small trees. Brian looked through the windshield at the snow covered land and immediately noted how beautiful it was. Since it was slightly secluded, it was untouched by human influence.

Brian stepped out of the car, the cold immediately greeting his skin once more. He barely noticed however as he looked around him. The foothills rose up before him and he could distinctly see mountain peaks off in the distance. A patchwork of trees lied ahead, leafless and covered in snow and icicles.

He found himself smiling at the vast blanket of snow. It was peaceful. More peaceful than anything he’d really ever experienced before. The snow created a unique silence that couldn’t be recreated elsewhere. It was disillusioning actually. One gets so used to their busy lifestyle, with cars and work and paying bills, that they forget that this still exists; nature in its purest form.

He thought it fitting that this would be Leslie’s place. To him, she would be the one person in the world that would find something this special. This new found knowledge only seemed to make him love her more, if that was even possible.

Shaking out of his thoughts, he scanned the landscape, trying to spot any sign of Leslie. He noticed the car that Amy had pulled up next to and recognized it as their father’s.

Brian bent down to look in at Amy who was still sitting quietly in the car, “Do you know where she’s at?”

Amy sat still, looking through the windshield. She pointed, shivering as the cold air rushed in through Brian’s side of the car, “She could be a number of places, but best bet is if you walk past those trees. In the spring and summer there’s a small pond and creek. She might be around there.”

He looked at her gratefully, “Thank you Amy. Really.”

She nodded, “It’s nothing. But seriously, you should close the door.”

“Sorry. You’re okay to stay here right?” Brian asked. She nodded hastily, trying to signal that he should go already. He began to shut the door then, but stopped when he heard Amy yell out, “Remember what I said!”

“What?” he asked.

“If you hurt her anymore, there’s going to be hell to pay. I’m completely serious,” she stated.

“I know you are, and I won’t.”

She looked satisfied with this and Brian shoved the door closed. He wasted no time in trekking through the snow. He noticed fresh footprints along the way and knew that they had to be Leslie’s. He followed them closely, only looking up every once in awhile to make sure he was still headed the right way.

Before long he was slowly making his way through the sleeping trees. Leslie’s footsteps were harder to follow through here, but he managed all the same. When he finally bypassed the wood into an open area, he looked ahead, his eyes immediately falling on her.

She was sitting on a log a few yards off, facing away from him. He could see her blonde hair glisten from the light reflecting off the snow around her. She was busy looking down at something, completely unaware of his presence.

He noticed the large white sheet in front of her and could only credit it to being the pond that Amy had mentioned. More trees settled beyond that, and a gap could be seen through the trunks, which could also be the creek Amy spoke of.

Though Brian had been nervous to see Leslie, his excitement had overcome all that. Now, however, he felt his nervousness creep past all other emotions. The place itself had a romantic beauty to it that he did not expect. He was struggling to get a hold of himself and focus to the task at hand. He was here for a reason.

He stepped forward, trying to not be obnoxiously loud as he approached her. The closer he got to her, the clearer and more defined she became. She was bundled up in a pea coat, a pink scarf wrapped around her neck with a matching pink beanie covering her head. The crunching noises that his feet made against the snow would have alerted anyone else of his arrival, but Leslie seemed unfazed. She was still engrossed with looking down at whatever was in her lap.

He finally stopped, taking a deep breath. When he spoke, he cringed slightly. His voice seemed to boom through the silent area harshly, “Hi.”

Leslie looked over in passing, only thinking to greet some random traveler, but when she saw Brian standing there, she did an immediate double take. She then rolled her eyes, groaning, “God dammit. I’m going to kill her.”

Brian smiled lightly, “I wouldn't stop bothering her until she gave in."

Leslie sighed, standing up from the log and dusting off her jeans where snow clung tightly. He finally realized what she had been so engrossed in as he looked down at her hands. A journal and pen were clutched tightly within her grasp. As she stood, she hadn’t noticed a couple of pages slip from her journal and float to the ground behind her. He was too focused to say anything otherwise.

She saw him looking down at the contents of her hands and she awkwardly tried hiding it behind her leg. Silence enveloped the two of them and Brian knew that it was his duty to really start talking, “This is a beautiful place.”

Leslie agreed, “It is.”

“Amy says it’s your thing,” he announced, trying to make some sort of small talk to break the tension.

“She did, did she?” Leslie sounded slightly exasperated.

“So it is then?” he asked. She locked eyes with him and after a moment she nodded lightly, “Yeah, I guess so.”

“How come you’ve never told me about it?”

She shrugged, “Guess I didn’t think it relevant as of yet.”

Sadness befell Brian’s features, “Everything in your life is relevant to me Leslie.”

She furrowed her eyebrow at him, obviously getting over the shock of him actually standing there before her. She knew where this conversation was going to lead to, “Why are you here?”

Brian sniffled. The cold had numbed his nose and he could barely feel his face, but he hardly noticed. He stepped forward slightly to get closer to her, noticing his breath billowing out in front of him and her. She watched him warily.

“I wanted to talk to you,” he said.

“There’s nothing to talk about,” she replied.

“There’s a lot to talk about and you know it,” he said seriously. She folded up her journal and stuffed it in her pocket, “Why talk when we already know the answers to everything?”

He shook his head, “It’s not that easy. Do you think I wanted this to happen?”

She didn’t reply, but crossed her arms over her chest, standing rigid. Brian continued, “The last thing in this world I ever wanted to happen happened, but I can’t help that now.”

“Neither can I,” she reasoned.

“I know that,” he said. “But I don’t think you realize how sorry I am Leslie. I never wanted to hurt you and the fact that I did is tearing me apart. This past week has been hell for me. My whole world’s fallen apart and all because I want to be with you.”

He could see tears welling up in Leslie’s eyes and he watched as she tried to blink them away. She was clearly embarrassed, “Why couldn’t you have just told me? Why did you just leave me like that to find out with everyone else? That wasn’t fair.”

Brian stepped forward again, happy to see that Leslie wasn’t turning away and that she was opening up, “I know it wasn’t sweetheart, and I’m sorry. I was just so mixed up. I sat her down to tell her that I was leaving her, and she just popped out with it. I was blindsided, still am. I was freaking out and I was upset because I knew what this meant for us and when I came to your room and when you started crying…”

Brian paused, feeling himself get choked up. His voice had turned shaky, “When I saw how much I was hurting you, I couldn't bare to hurt you any more. To tell you that I got her pregnant, to tell you that I fucked up our chances, was just too much. I thought that I was sparing you, at least for that time.”

Leslie could see Brian’s reasoning, but she still couldn’t accept it, “I had to find out with everyone around me. You could have at least warned me.”

“When was I going to warn you?” Brian asked. “There was never the right time. Was I supposed to just pull you off to the side and say ‘Hey, Leighanne’s knocked up and it’s mine’?”

“It would have been better than having to endure people screaming and laughing and congratulating you all in front of me. Not only did I have to hear it from Leighanne, I had to experience having my heart being broken surrounded by a group of people that have absolutely no idea what’s going on between us. It was humiliating.”

Brian looked at her desperately, “I don’t know how to make it up to you, cause if I did, I would be doing just that right now. I’m sorry Leslie. I really am. And not just for Leighanne, but for everything. For dragging you into this situation in the first place.”

“You didn’t drag me into anything,” she said. “I did it because I wanted to.”

Brian took a moment to collect his thoughts, trying to piece together what he wanted to say next. So many things ran through his mind that he found it hard to make sense of anything. Instead, he reached down into his coat pocket and pulled out the folded up entries from her gift.

He saw Leslie’s eyes flash with recognition, her cheeks turning redder than they already were out of embarrassment. She turned her head away, clearly uncomfortable. Brian stepped forward a third time, now only putting a couple feet between them. He tentatively held out the entries to her, “I thought you might want these back.”

Her eyes darted to his outstretched hand and she slowly shook her head, “I don’t want them.”

His hand faltered in the air at that comment, completely puzzled and not expecting such a response, “Leslie, they’re yours.”

“They’re not. Not anymore at least,” she said quietly. She was avoiding eye contact with him, clearly trying to shy away from the entire situation.

Brian sighed, staring at her sadly. He slowly dropped his hand to his side and said softly, “Thank you.”

Leslie’s eyes looked up to his then, her face questioning. Brian decided to elaborate, “For not taking them back.”

She shook her head, still not sure why he would have such a reaction. He licked his lips, clutching the papers between his hands, “This is the most thoughtful gift I’ve ever gotten.”

Her face softened at this and he continued, “You trusted me enough to show me your inner most thoughts and feelings, and I can't express how grateful I am for that Leslie.”

Brian had been desperately trying to hold back his tears but he could feel his walls shaking within him. His voice was shaking more noticeably now, “I was afraid you’d take these away from me. I know that must sound completely stupid, but I’m not afraid to admit it. Not to you."

Leslie opened her mouth to respond but Brian continued, “These pages are the only thing I have to hold onto now. It’s the only thing that shows that we existed. No one else knows what we’ve gone through and what we’ve experienced, and God, how we’ve been through a lot.”

Brian’s eyes were quickly welling up with tears, “I can’t have you, but I have these. These,” he raised the pages, shaking them slightly, “Are real. These are solid and physical. They remind me everyday of what I could have had, what I did have, and though it hurts me more than anything that’s ever hurt me before, I love them for this very fact. It shows that for a time I lived like I was supposed to live, with passion and vivacity and conviction. It reminds me that I had you, had all of you, right down to the very last particle. For me to care this much just reminds me of how special you are to me. I could never forget what once was because of these, and I thank you for that.”

He paused for a moment, feeling the hot tears sliding down his face evaporate into the cool air. He lowered his hand again, along with his voice, “I fucked up Leslie. I fucked up so bad and I brought you down with me and I never intended for that to happen. You have to see that. You have to see that I never wanted this to happen. I was leaving her for you. I was willing to sacrifice everything in this world to just have you there beside me, but I fucked up. I fucked up so hard.”

Brian turned his head away, the last of his words barely incomprehensible through his tears. The guilt that he had festering inside of him was overflowing, along with his heartache.

Leslie looked at him sadly, a couple of her own tears sliding down her cheeks. She had listened to his words with a growing sense of wonder. She had no idea he felt that strongly about them. She had no idea that what they had impacted him as much as he was implying. It saddened her greatly. She could hear the pain through his words and it hurt her terribly. She felt her anger completely diminish at the broken man in front of her. He was so overcome by grief and she realized how she had failed to think that he too was hurting along with her.

Unable to contain herself, she stepped forward and held out her hand to cover his. Brian felt her warmth immediately and it only made him cry harder. She squeezed his hand, still struggling to contain her emotions, “It’s okay love.”

Brian took in a deep breath at these words, lifting his eyes to meet hers. He had been hoping for those words since the day he had broke up with her, and now that they had come, he didn’t know how to deal with them, “It can’t be.”

She nodded her head, looking up at him with her tear filled eyes, “It is. It’s okay.”

She reached her hands up to gently cup his face, wiping tears away with her thumbs. She forced him to look at her. She searched his face sadly, “I know you didn’t mean to hurt me. I know that you’re just as hurt. I know that you didn’t mean for it to happen. I know and it’s okay.”

She lowered her voice, reassuring him, “It’s okay.”

He raised his right hand to grab hers. He pulled it away from his face, kissing her palm gingerly. She allowed for this to happen, watching as he slowly calmed down. His lip trembled, “I’m so sorry sweetheart.”

“I know,” she nodded sincerely. “I know.”

They stood there in silence for a few moments. Leslie held strong to Brian’s hand, both their emotions passing between the two of them like a strong current. In a way, this was their way of beginning to heal.

“Things will be okay,” she said. “We’ll be friends won’t we?”

Brian hated the word the minute it came out of her mouth. He didn’t want to be friends. The very idea sickened him, but at the same time, he knew that it was the only way he was going to be able to still be near her. It was the only way for them to go. They had no other choice.

“Do you know how hard this is going to be?” he asked.

“It’s already hard, how much worse could it get?” she smiled lightly. He reached up to gently stroke her face with his thumb, before letting his hand drop back to his side, “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

She shook her head, “Don’t say that.”

“But it’s the truth,” he replied.

She nodded sadly, “I know.” She sighed before continuing, “So this is it then?”

Brian found it hard to respond, but he finally croaked out, “I guess so.”

She squeezed his hand once more before dropping it from her grasp, giving a sense of finality to their conversation. She knew that they couldn't linger here, for if they did, she wasn't sure of what would happen. They needed to leave their conversation where it did if they had any chance of moving on. She needed to leave, “Okay then. That’s the first step then isn’t it? Admitting it to each other so we can begin to move on.”

He didn’t want to agree with her because he didn’t want to move on in the first place, but he knew she was right. If they had any chance of leading normal lives with each other around, they’d have to come to some kind of closure.

“Thanks for talking with me Leslie, and for being so understanding,” he said. She smiled at him, “Thanks for actually coming to talk to me. I’m stubborn, so I never would have done it.”

Silence enveloped them once more and they both looked around them awkwardly. Leslie pursed her lips, breaking the silence, “I guess I’ll see you in New York then? You have a flight to catch today right?”

Her last question brought him violently back to reality. How was it that whenever he was with Leslie the rest of the world seemed to stop? He had completely forgotten where he was at and he had most certainly forgotten that he was flying out, “I do, this afternoon. Leigh’s probably wondering where I’m at.”

“I bet she is. Well,” she paused, trying to think of something else to say, but only being able to come up with something redundant and pointless, “Have a safe flight yeah?”

Both Leslie and Brian were unsettled at their awkward politeness, but they didn’t know how else to go about things. They had never really been friends with one another, so having to start now was something entirely new. It was going to take time for them to get to a comfort zone with each other without wanting to suddenly and passionately make out.

Leslie stepped forward and hugged him briefly. She smiled at him once more before walking past him. He turned his head to watch as she walked away, “I’ll see you in New York okay?”

She waved back at him to let him know that he would. He watched for a couple seconds, knowing that she wanted to get a head start in leaving. He was already wishing for the tour to start back up again so he could be near her once more, but at the same time, he dreaded it. How was he going to pull off a platonic relationship with her?

When she began to disappear into the trees, he turned back to look at the pond. He could hear a lone crow fly overhead, screeching annoyingly. He glanced up, slightly blinded by the sun at first. Thinking he had given Leslie sufficient time to get back to her car, he turned to leave, except when something caught his eye.

He turned his attention to the log that Leslie had been sitting on, and the memory came rushing back to him. When she had stood up, a few papers had fallen from her grasp unbeknownst to her. Now, he saw them lying silently on top of the snow, nearly forgotten. He quickly turned his head to see if Leslie were still near so that he could let her know that she left something behind, but his heart sank in his chest when he saw that she was completely gone.

Sighing, he stepped forward and bent down, sweeping up the pages in his ice cold hands. He glanced over them, straightening them out in his grasp. He immediately noticed the musical notes and bars drift up from the pages. He was intrigued to see that it was sheet music.

He quickly shuffled through the pages, finding that Leslie had numbered them. As he put them back in order, he noticed how under the piano notes, she had written lyrics.

He stopped suddenly as he glanced at the title, "Almost Lover - Lyrics and music by Leslie Baker", and right next to this, she had written “Inspired by a True Story.”

Brian’s heart sank at the realization of what this was. She had been busy writing a song when he had approached her. A song about him.

If tomorrow never comes,
I would want just one wish,
To kiss your quiet mouth,
And trace your steps with my fingertips,
And it’s you,
The light changes when you’re in the room,
Oh it’s you, oh it’s you
~It’s You by Michelle Branch

The rest of the break was less than stellar for Brian. He and Leighanne flew out to Kentucky to visit his parents and older brother Harold. Seeing his family was much needed, but the wedding and Leighanne’s unexpected pregnancy seemed to overshadow everything. He was reminded every minute of his unhappiness and just how alone he really was. Where he would have normally talked to his mom or his dad about what’s been going on, he now found that he could never do so. Their disappointment would be too much to bear on top of losing Leslie. So he stayed tight lipped and acted as if he didn’t have a care in the world.

Now with the tour starting up again, he felt a bit of relief sweep over him. The break gave him too much free time, which ultimately led to him having to wallow in self pity and regret. At least now he would be busy enough to keep his mind off certain aspects in his life.

He had been nervous to see Leslie again, but he was relieved to see that things between them were better than expected. At the current moment, rehearsals were just winding down, so he obviously had to dance with her, and where he feared that it would be awkward and forced, he found himself slipping back into his comfort zone with her immediately, except now he kept his hands where they should respectfully be. It helped that she was so receptive to him. It seems that the few days that they had away from each other did more good than harm. She was friendly to him and he took that as a good sign that she had, in a way, forgiven him. Of course, he had no way of being sure of that due to the fact that he was in no place to really talk to her about it. He figured that he should count his blessings and just drop it, as much as he didn’t want to.

The one thing that really was distracting him, however, were the pages he had picked up in Colorado when Leslie had left him by the pond. He had read over the words hundreds of times and they struck him significantly. He was amazed at how she could express herself in such a way, but under the awe and the admiration for her unknown writing ability, the words themselves were gnawing into his conscience. They were so incredibly real and heartbreaking, and it was clear that she had based the song over him and their roller coaster ride of a relationship. He knew he had hurt her significantly, but seeing her pain in this form was something so different than anything he had seen before, and it stayed with him constantly. As he danced with Leslie, he found his mind slipping back to her lyrics, and it saddened him. What’s more, it didn’t seem like Leslie had any idea that he possessed such a treasure, because he knew that if she had, she would hardly be treating him so civilly.

What bothered him even more was that he couldn’t get the music itself to work. He had tried the piano at his parents house in Kentucky, but his skills at playing the instrument were rudimentary at best. He secretly wished that Kevin were there to help him out, but he dealt with it as much as he could considering the circumstances. He only got a few notes to work, but he was still unsure of the key Leslie had envisioned.

Now here Brian was, watching as the dancers and the guys drifted off the stage to head to their respective rooms. He had stowed away the pages in his pocket, bound and determined to find someone that didn’t know of his hairy situation in the least bit and also knew how to play the piano like the their life depended on it.

He saw the band setting down their instruments and he immediately made a beeline for the keyboardist Jim. Jim was definitely startled to see Brian standing there before him as he switched off the instrument.

“Hey Littrell,” he greeted. Brian smiled faintly, distracted by the task at hand, “Hey Jimmy, how you doin’?”

“Just fine, just fine,” he said nonchalantly. “What can I do you for?”

“I was actually wondering if you could do me a favor,” Brian began. Jim looked surprised at this. He raised his eyebrows, “Me do you a favor?”

“I know that may sound weird,” Brian tried to explain, “But I kind of need someone that knows how to play the piano.”

“Well you’ve come to the right place then. You been working on some music that you need help on?” he asked.

Brian looked around the stage to make sure the coast was clear, trying to block out the movements and rustlings of the other musicians, “Not this time. Not exactly. I just have some sheet music here and I was wondering if you could play it for me?”

Brian reached into his sweatpants and pulled out the crinkled pages. He unfolded them and handed the papers over to Jim apprehensively. Jim took them and looked them over, “Leslie wrote this?”

Brian was afraid he’d recognize the name, but he tried to brush it off like it wasn’t a big deal, “Yeah, she did. I found them backstage and before I give them back, I just wanted to see what the song sounded like. It looks good.”

Jim nodded, taking Brian’s explanation at face value with no doubts whatsoever, “Alright, cool man. I can do that for you.”

Brian felt relieved, smiling, “Thanks Jimmy.”

Brian made his way around the keyboard to stand next to Jim, watching as he positioned the pages up on the stand above the keys. Jim switched on the keyboard and made a few adjustments, pressing down on a few chords to test the sound out. Brian saw him scan the bars of notes, feeling excitement bubble up within him. He was anxious to finally get this underway so he could stop obsessing over what this song was really supposed to sound like.

“She’s talented,” Jim commented. Brian furrowed his brow, “How do you know? You haven’t played it yet.”

Jim shrugged, “I can hear it in my head just by reading the notes. It’s what I do for a living remember?”

Brian nodded, wanting to kick himself for not realizing this clear and certain fact, “Right.”

“Seriously though, she has talent. She’s one hell of a dancer, I just had no idea she was a hell of a piano player and song writer too. I should go talk to her after this-“

“No!” Brian exclaimed. Jim looked up at him startled, “What?”

“I mean, you can’t. I know she’s shy about these types of things. I shouldn’t even have this, and I don’t know how she’d react if she knew I did, so you shouldn’t.”

Jim looked at him skeptically, but shrugged all the same, “Alright, whatever.”

Jim turned back to the sheet music and after a few minutes of silence, he began to play. He tested out to see if the key was correct, replaying the beginning notes a few times before being satisfied that he got it right. Brian watched in wonder as the song he had been repeating in his head came to life. What he thought would have been the right way to sing it was so completely off from what Leslie envisioned, and he was grateful for it, because her version was so incredibly beautiful that he didn’t know how to react at first.

Jim began to hum along with the notes and once Brian got a feel of how the lyrics were supposed to be sung, he could clearly hear the words in his head, echoing hauntingly.

Your fingertips across my skin,
The palm trees swaying in the wind,
Images…

Brian listened to Jim’s hums, unable to keep Leslie’s face from popping into his head as the song continued.

You sang me Spanish lullabies,
The sweetest sadness in your eyes,
Clever trick…

I never want to see you unhappy,
I thought you’d want the same for me

The sad notes swirled about him in a calming frenzy. He pictured Leslie in front of the piano, her hands gliding over the keys so effortlessly and with such poise and grace. He saw her hair glisten in the sun and her sad blue eyes staring back at him. He felt her kisses against his lips, could hear her whispers in his ears. He saw her small smiles and the corners of her eyes crinkle up in amusement. He could hear her laughter and her sighs. He could see her; could see everything he loved so passionately.

Goodbye my almost lover,
Goodbye my hopeless dream,
I’m trying not to think about you,
Can’t you just let me be?
So long my luckless romance,
My back is turned on you,
Should’ve known you’d bring me heartache,
Almost lovers always do

Jim would occasionally sing a line as he played along to keep up with the tempo and to keep the feel of the song. Brian barely heard him however, transfixed by each word and the notes surrounding them. He was in a daze, completely unaware of his surroundings. For a time he got lost in a different world, a world he had always entered when Leslie was there beside him. To see her life and her radiance and her passion emanate from something seemingly so inanimate was soothing to him, and at the same time gut wrenching.

He was completely oblivious to the fact that off on the side of the stage, Leslie stood, her arms crossed over her chest, her eyes fixed on him. She had heard the familiarity of the notes drift through the halls backstage, and she had immediately frozen. She quickly found herself abandoning her things and Nick to find the source. She thought she was in a dream, but when she found Brian by the keyboard with Jim, she knew. She knew he had found her song, but how?

She had originally meant for him to have it, but that was before they had talked. It was a song written out of anger and hurt. It was a song written out of acceptance. She had written it as a way to say goodbye to him as a lover, but she had decided against giving it to him after seeing the same hurt and pain reflecting back at her that sad day out in the white, quiet snow.

Seeing him there across the stage had made her muscles grow weak. She wasn’t embarrassed or angry. She was just there in the moment, both sad and curious. His reaction was one she had not expected. He seemed to bathe in the notes and the words. He had closed his eyes for a time, taking in everything he could, and when he opened them back up she could see tears brimming. This reaction only choked her up as well. Her eyes burned, but she made no attempt to wipe anything away. She was paralyzed to do anything.

Brian, feeling the world close in on him, feeling so utterly alone, could hear Leslie singing these words to him; could hear the pain and heartache in every syllable. They echoed in his head maddeningly, but he welcomed this suffering.

We walked along a crowded street,
You took my hand and danced with me,
Images…

And when you left you kissed my lips,
You told me you would never ever forget these images…
No…

Well, I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you’d want the same for me

Brian hadn’t noticed his voice drifting from his own lips until it was too late. He watched as Jim pressed down on the notes, his humming still filling the air. Brian finally put a voice to the words, and the embarrassment he knew he should have felt for being so forthcoming never came. Jim was unfazed by this new development and only ceased his own humming, allowing Brian’s angelic voice to softly fill their small nook on the stage.

Brian’s eyes swept over the pages, though he could have done without them. He had the words memorized, “Goodbye my almost lover / Goodbye my hopeless dream / I’m trying not to think about you / Can’t you just let me be? / So long my luckless romance / My back is turned on you / Should’ve known you’d bring me heartache / Almost lovers always do.”

Brian continued to sing, more to himself than to anyone else. He tried not to cry, but the very thought of this song being the last thing that signified what he and Leslie had was entirely too overwhelming. He clung to it, as sad as it was. His betrayal and his unrelenting pursuits and his hurtful actions echoed through every word, but he engulfed it all, accepting this form of punishment. He deserved this horrible pain. He deserved these sad notes and sad words. He deserved all of it.

Leslie had not expected Brian to suddenly start singing. His voice always made her grow weak and had always sent chills down her spine, but this was different. He displayed so much emotion and delicateness as the words flowed and melded together. It was so pure. He wasn’t singing it exactly as she had envisioned, but he made it his own, and in a way that meant more. She could see that through singing these words and hearing the music itself was a way for him to accept their fate and to stop living in denial of what they had become. He was clearly heartbroken and it was all too clear in his beautiful voice.

I cannot go to the ocean,
I cannot drive the streets at night,
I cannot wake up in the morning without you on my mind,
So you’re gone, and I’m haunted,
And I bet you are just fine,

Did I make it that easy to walk right in and out of my life?

Brian knew this was written before he and Leslie had talked, but this was the essence of her thoughts and feelings and he cherished it. If she could only fathom how much hurt he was feeling himself, but he had no way of communicating to her just how horrible he felt.

He sang the chorus one last time, feeling his heart constrict painfully at the finality to their sinful and bittersweet relationship:

Goodbye my almost lover,
Goodbye my hopeless dream,
I’m trying not to think about you,
Can’t you just let me be?
So long my luckless romance,
My back is turned on you,
Should’ve known you’d bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do…

The notes faded into silence and Jimmy suddenly laughed heartily, taking his hands off the keys, “Bloody great song.”

Brian smiled sadly, flinching at the harsh laughter piercing his somber state, “Yeah, it is.”

Jim took the pages off of the stand and handed them back to Brian, “She should record this shit.”

“I don’t know if she’d really be up for that,” Brian claimed, taking the pages tenderly. Jim shrugged, “Just a suggestion. Well, hey, if you need me for anything else, just holler alright?”

Brian nodded, “Thanks man. I appreciate it.”

“No problem,” Jimmy grinned, slapping his hand on Brian’s back as he stood up. He turned to leave but then paused, looking at Brian curiously, “It said on the front that it was inspired by a true story.”

Brian didn’t respond, but just looked at him warily. Jim narrowed his eyes, “She’s with Nick isn’t she?”

Brian nodded slowly, wondering where this was going.

“Huh,” he looked thoughtful. “Well, whoever did that to her sure did a number on her. The guy sounds like a douchebag.”

Brian couldn’t help but smile at that comment, “Yeah, a real bonafide douchebag.”

Jim reached out and clapped Brian’s back once more before turning on his heel and leaving the stage. Brian watched Jim jump down from the platforms and his eyes suddenly caught a figure standing off by the side of the stage. He froze, not expecting to see her there.

She stared back at him sadly, unflinching at the fact that he had noticed her. He made no move to go to her or to speak. They only stood there in the arena alone, silence enveloping them. An invisible connection had formed between them at that moment, and they felt everything they needed to feel without the actual manifestation of words being necessary. For several moments, they only stared, this silent communication drifting between them, and then Leslie smiled. It was a small smile, but it was genuine. To an outsider, it would have meant nothing, but to Brian it meant the world. So much was told in just that simple act.

It was a smile full of sadness and heartache. It was a smile full of regret and loss. It was a smile of finality.

It was, in a way, a smile of acceptance.

She nodded in Brian’s direction, waving at him slightly. He returned the smile, raising his own hand to return the wave.

And with that, she turned and walked away.


(Lyrics of Almost Lover originally by A Fine Frenzy.)

~~~~~~~

Brian entered the hotel room in a daze. The music and the lyrics from the arena still drifted in and out of his thoughts, interrupting his attempts at trying to think of something completely unrelated. He had hardly noticed Leighanne bound toward him until her arms were flung around his neck.

He stumbled back startled at the unexpected greeting.

“I missed you,” she breathed out, planting a soft kiss on his lips. He held her there in his arms, not out of wanting, but out of obligation, “I’ve only been gone a few hours.”

She pulled back, smiling, “Oh I know, but I have such great news! I’ve been so antsy waiting for you to get back.”

Brian was now intrigued, but wary. Any news that Leighanne could deliver to him was automatically put into the ‘bad’ category, regardless of her ‘good news’ claims.

“What sort of good news?” he asked. She sighed happily, clapping her hands together, “Well, I know that you wanted to come with me to the doctor, whenever that would be, but I just couldn’t hold it off any longer. I found this Gynecologist in the city and he checked me out today, and the baby’s healthy! I heard the heartbeat and everything and he even showed me the fetus on this weird television screen.”

This wasn’t what Brian was expecting, and instead of taking the news of the baby being healthy as a good thing, he found himself growing angry, “You went without me?”

She either didn’t notice his irritation or she just flat out chose to ignore him, “I did. You’re just so busy and I didn’t think we’d ever have the time to go together, so I figured, might as well go now you know? It needed to be done.”

If only Brian knew she was lying through her teeth, but he didn’t, and he was taking this personally, “Just because I’m busy doesn’t mean you should have gone without at least talking to me about it. I could have made time. I don’t always have to go to an interview or fan meeting or promotion. Despite what you may think, family's a huge priority of mine."

Leighanne’s smile faltered slightly, but she tried to keep her composure. She hadn’t expected him to react so angrily. She knew that he had been restless about getting to the doctor to see if everything was going okay, but with her not actually being pregnant, for them to go at all would be out of the question. For her to save face and to keep such a charade going, she had formulated a plan that would appease him for the time being until she was ready to either admit to her lie or pose another one to cover the original up.

“Why are you so angry?” she asked, trying as hard as she could to act oblivious.

“Why am I angry!?” He sputtered. He threw his bag down and walked further into the room, huffing loudly, “You’re doing it again! We talked about this already Leigh. You did this with the wedding and now you’re doing it with the baby. You’re leaving me out of it. It’s like I don’t even exist!”

“That’s not true!” she was frantically trying to come up with a way to appease him. She didn’t want to make him angry. That was the last thing she wanted. Her whole point of even doing this entire charade was to keep him with her, and besides the fact that he’d clearly been on pins and needles around her, he seemed to be genuinely making an effort to come to terms with the inevitable. She couldn’t jeopardize anything, not now, not when she’s already come this far.

“I thought you said you’d work on this?” he asked a bit more calmly. She looked at him fearfully, “I did, and I am. Baby, I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”

“Therein lies the problem,” he muttered.

“What?” she asked, not quite sure on what he just said. He quickly retaliated, “How are we going to make this work when we don’t communicate with each other?”

She narrowed her eyes then, unable to stop her own irritation from rising to the surface at his comment, “Look, I’m trying my hardest here. You’re the one that’s been so distant!”

“Don’t try and turn this all around on me!” He yelled. “You know how busy I am! If you take that as being distant than so be it, but don’t you dare try and blame our problems solely on me!”

“I’m not!” she cried, exasperated. She pressed her palms to her temples and tried to get herself to calm down, “Brian, I didn’t mean any harm. I don’t want to fight with you.”

“And you think I do? You think I want to add a whole load of other stress to my already hectic life? Fuck Leighanne, what with the wedding and now you being pregnant, I don’t know what to do anymore.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I don’t even know,” he admitted honestly. “I just feel overwhelmed. I feel out of control. It’s like I’m not at the steering wheel anymore. I'm just being dragged day to day with no say in anything. For once I wanted to be a part of something, especially since it’s so important. Christ, we’re having a kid Leigh. A full blown, living, breathing, two legged kid, and I thought that I would finally have some control over something, and here you go blowing all that up in my face.”

Leighanne looked over at him sadly. For the first time that she had started this lie, she felt a pang of guilt, “Baby, I’m sorry.”

He sighed, his anger slowly dissipating. Under different cirumstances, he would have held his ground, but he was so emotionally exhausted that he couldn't take another blow, especially after this afternoon. He found himself submitting to the situation against his own better judgement.

He flung himself down on the couch and put his head in his hands. Leighanne tentatively sat down next to him, resting her hand on his back, “I really am. I’ll try harder, I promise. Next time I go to the doctor, I’ll let you know. We'll do everything together from here on out.”

He couldn’t make eye contact with her for the longest time, for on top of his anger and frustration, he found Leslie’s face continually flash before him. He finally looked over at her sadly, “Do you love me Leigh?”

She looked at him in puzzlement, “Of course I do. What a silly thing to ask.”

“I’m serious,” he said sternly. “Do you truly, no doubt in your head, love me?”

Worry started to creep over her, “What are you getting at?”

He contemplated her question for a moment before shaking his head. He turned away from her, “I don’t know.”

She reached out her hand to grasp his, “You love me don’t you?”

He looked down at her hand resting within his. There was a time when he relished such a moment. He used to yearn for her touch. He used to look down at their clasped hands and think about how perfect her hand used to fit within his. Now, it felt forced. There was no feeling there anymore. She was just flesh and bone, and in essence, there was nothing. Absolutely nothing.

He glanced over at her, forcing on a small smile, “Always.”

She smiled back, her heart loosening from her wavering fear. Was he being honest? She knew deep down that he wasn’t. Of course he still cared for her, but it was obvious that things had changed between them.

Leighanne seriously began to contemplate if this was really worth it. She loved him more than anything in this world, but if that were true, could she really bring herself to string him along like she was? It wasn’t fair. If she loved him as much as she said she did, she should let him go. Why would she want to be with someone that so clearly didn’t want her? He was staying with her out of obligation. There was free will involved, but not really. She was taking advantage of him. She knew his personality and his morals and his values and she was manipulating him to keep him from leaving. She was exploiting what she knew for her own benefit.

She had spent over 3 years of her life investing all she had in this relationship and she wasn’t about to give up on it. She convinced herself that people who have fallen out of love are capable of falling right back into love; it was just a matter of time.

She leaned in and kissed his cheek gently, “I love you, you know that. With this baby coming, we have to stay strong, and I know we will. We’ve gotten through worse haven’t we?”

She had tried to make a joke, but he found no humor in it whatsoever, but he smiled all the same, “Yeah, we have.”

She squeezed his hand and he took a deep breath, deciding to let the entire situation slide. What with all the other emotional baggage in his life, he couldn’t afford to add another one to his extending list. He couldn’t bear it.

He asked quietly, feeling a bit of excitement peaking through, “So did the doctor say what sex it is?”

“The baby?”

Brian nodded, waiting for the answer. Leighanne shook her head, “It’s too early to tell, but you would want to know?”

“Yeah, I think so. We’d know what to buy for the nursery and stuff. Plus, you know me, I’m impatient. I wouldn’t be able to take not knowing what it was,” he smiled sheepishly. She giggled and kissed him once more, “Well, hopefully next time we’ll know.”

He nodded, raising her hand to his lips. He kissed her skin briefly, “Hopefully.”

If only he knew there wouldn’t be a next time. If only he knew of the future heartbreak he had yet to experience. But then again, what would life be without the unknown? You take it as it’s dealt to you and hope for the best, but then again, when it rains it pours, and in the lives of Brian Littrell and Leslie Baker, it’s only began to drizzle.

Cause I love you more than I could ever promise,
And you take me the way I am,
You take me the way I am
~The Way I Am by Ingrid Michaelson

Brian sighed as he stood outside of AJ’s dressing room door. The concert had just ended, and the boys were off getting their stuff together to head back to the hotel. Pittsburgh had turned out to be a crazier audience than originally expected. A girl in the front row had thrown her bra and thong underwear up on stage. The articles were wrapped around a teddy bear’s neck, who had a small t-shirt on asking Nick to marry her. He hadn’t seen something like that in awhile. He thought those types of days were over, but a small part of him was still glad to see the obsessive insanity still present in certain fans.

Now, Brian had just left Leighanne in his dressing room to talk to AJ. He had an itching desire to speak with him, thinking that ever since AJ had caught him and Leslie down in Mexico things had never been the same between them. They were civil with each other, but Brian felt tension. He realized it was probably coming more from him than from AJ, but still, he couldn’t go another day not knowing.

Brian took a deep breath before knocking on AJ’s door. He heard rustling on the other end and suddenly AJ was before him, his face still flushed from the concert. AJ looked surprised to see him, “Rok, hey bud.”

“May I come in?” Brian asked hopefully. AJ stepped out of the way and allowed Brian to pass.

“What’s up?” AJ asked, closing the door behind him. He was shocked to see Brian here in the first place. He couldn’t remember the last time they were alone together. Brian seemed to make it a point to keep people around as a buffer.

Brian stuffed his hands into his pockets and gnawed on the inside of his cheek, trying to search for the right words to say. Finally, he said the one thing that wouldn’t get out of his head, knowing how absurd and out of place it sounded the moment it popped out of his mouth, “Leslie and I stopped… you know…”

AJ knew that Brian had come here specifically to talk to him about Leslie, he just wasn’t sure in what context, and he certainly wasn’t expecting him to bring it up so quickly. It was clear that this had been bothering Brian for quite some time, and for good reason.

AJ eyed his friend carefully before speaking up, “Fucking like rabbits?”

Brian flinched, “If you want to put it that way, then yes, but it’s more than that Aje.”

AJ sighed, plopping down into a chair and snatching up one of the bottles of water. Brian only stood there uncomfortably, knowing he had opened a can of worms. He was unsure of how AJ was going to react to this topic of conversation, but so far he was pleasantly surprised to see no anger or disgust.

AJ swallowed the water that was in his mouth before addressing Brian once more, “I know Bri. I’ve talked to Leslie.”

“You have?” Brian asked in surprise.

“About a month or so ago,” AJ said nonchalantly.

Brian’s curiosity got the best of him, “What’d you talk about?”

AJ shrugged, “Things. Mainly I told her that even though I’m disappointed in your decisions, I can still understand why you did it.”

Brian was confused, “But you were so angry when you saw us…”

“Fuck Rok, what would you have done? If you had seen me and Kristin for example, would you have been cool with it?”

“No, I guess not,” Brian admitted honestly.

AJ knew that his words needed clarification. It wouldn’t be fair to Brian to not tell him, “I lied to you Bri. That one day before the tour when we were working out and you had asked me if I ever had the hots for any of the guys’ girlfriends, I told you that I was attracted to Leigh, but that I would never act on it. I lied. I would have in an instant.”

Brian was shocked to hear these words, “But-”

AJ shook his head, interrupting Brian’s thoughts, “No buts. That’s just how it is. I don’t want to justify why because it would be fruitless, though out of everyone you would understand the most. The point is that I’m just as bad as you, and I can’t judge you for it.”

Brian took a seat then, feeling the tension lift from his shoulders. He accepted the water that AJ held out to him as a sort of peace offering. Brian stared down at the glistening water for a few moments before taking a drink. It was a couple of minutes more until he spoke up, his voice filled with guilt, “What have I done Aje?”

AJ looked at his friend sympathetically, “You gave into your desires. Nobody’s perfect. You can’t beat yourself up over something you couldn’t really control.”

“But I could have controlled it. I could have stopped it before it even began. Why was I so fucking weak? I risked everything, and for what?”

“Love?” AJ suggested.

Brian looked away, trying to hide the pain that had sprung up on his face. He repeated in a near whisper, as if to agree, “Love.”

AJ leaned forward in his chair and lowered his voice, not in fear of someone overhearing, but as a means to console his friend, “You’re not the first man in history to risk everything he’s ever believed in and everything he has ever worked for, for a woman. That doesn’t make you a bad person. Despite what you may think, you’re a good man.”

Brian laughed at that, “Tell that to Nick if he ever finds out.”

AJ smiled meekly, “Do you think he will?”

Brian shrugged, “I don’t know. I want to tell him, but then I don’t. I can’t bear ruining our friendship like that, but not only that, what would happen to the band? What would happen to Leslie?”

“That's a valid point and it's good to think about those things, but honestly Bri, can you live with this? And how do you know Leslie won’t tell him herself?”

Brian frowned, “I don’t know. She’d tell me if she were going to wouldn’t she?”

“You tell me.”

Brian groaned, “Does it even matter anymore?”

“Sure it does. All of it matters.”

Brian hung his head sadly, “I hate this Bone. I really do. Why couldn’t this have been easier? If only she wasn’t Nick’s girlfriend. If only Leighanne didn’t get pregnant.”

“What do you mean if only Leighanne didn’t get pregnant?” AJ asked curiously. It was at this point that Brian realized AJ didn’t know of his and Leslie’s plans.

“About a month or so ago, before I found out about Leigh, Leslie and I made the decision to give us a chance. I was going to end it with Leighanne and she was going to end it with Nick, but on the same night, Leigh told me about the baby, and I had to end it with Leslie instead.”

AJ’s face lit up with understanding, “That’s why you two have been so different lately. I’ve been wondering about that.”

“You’ve noticed?”

“Who wouldn’t? You two were like two peas in a pod and now you’re barely seen together. I know Leighanne’s pregnancy had something to do with it, but I didn’t know all that. You were really going to risk being with her?”

AJ was a bit shocked at this news. He didn’t really know how to take it. It was a huge risk, not only for Brian and Leslie, but for the band as a whole. He didn’t know how he felt about that, and guiltily enough, he was sort of glad that they didn’t go through with it.

Brian could sense the surprise in AJ’s voice and he looked at him warily, “I was. She was risking just as much.”

“Damn Rok…” AJ breathed out, speechless. Brian didn’t respond, but just waited, watching as AJ sorted through his thoughts. Finally, AJ addressed him once more, “So you picked Leigh then?”

“What else was I going to do? She’s pregnant Bone. I can’t just leave her like that. It wouldn’t be fair to her or the baby.”

“Maybe so, but is that really fair to you? Even if you aren’t going to be with Leslie, do you really want to be with someone you don’t want to be with? That’s not how you’re supposed to live.”

“My conscience won’t let me do otherwise,” Brian grumbled. AJ smiled at this comment, thinking it ironic that his conscience would overcome him with this situation, and not with the problem of fidelity.

It then became clear to AJ why Brian had really come to talk to him. Not only did he want to bury the hatchet, but Brian needed advice. He wasn’t going to flat out ask for it, but AJ could tell. The conversation had lead to Brian’s recent decision. Brian wasn’t just telling him who he had picked and why, he was also looking for some reassurance that he had made the right choice. He was looking for comfort. He was looking for a friend.

“Do you want to know what I think?” AJ asked.

Brian nodded his head eagerly, “Of course.”

“You shouldn’t marry Leighanne,” he stated bluntly.

Brian had not expected this response, “Seriously?”

“Dead serious. You don’t love her, that’s clear. It wouldn’t be fair to you, it wouldn’t be fair to her, and it definitely wouldn’t be fair to your kid for you to go through with this. It’s not right.”

“And me being with Leslie is?”

“No, but at least then you’d be honest with yourself and with everyone else around you. Living a lie is no better than the life you’re already living now.”

Brian tried to let AJ’s words sink in, but he was finding it hard to do so, “I don’t know man.”

AJ sighed, trying to figure out a way to get through to his friend, “You love her don’t you?”

“Very much,” Brian replied softly.

“Then stop being a jackass and do something about it.”

“It’s not that easy,” Brian protested. “What about Nick? What about Leigh and the baby? What about the fans and the band? I can’t just disregard all that.”

AJ sighed, seeing that he wasn’t really helping the situation. Brian was right. There was a lot involved with this and he couldn’t sit here and tell Brian to do the obvious when he would be jeopardizing all of their careers and friendships. AJ personally stood behind Brian, understanding how hard it must be for him to deal with this alone, but he also sympathized with Nick. He wasn’t sure how Howie or Kevin would react, and Nick? Nick would flip his lid. Nick wouldn’t be so willing to forgive.

“Look, I know this is a complicated situation, but you gotta look at the facts. If you choose to stay with Leigh, you won’t be happy, and if you choose to be with Leslie, you’re going to unleash a torrent of drama, there’s no doubt about that, but at least you’d be with her, and that in itself is worth it, is it not?”

Brian contemplated these words, and slowly nodded, letting AJ know that he understood. AJ continued, “She cares for you man, that much is clear.”

“She loves me,” Brian said quietly.

“She what?” AJ asked, his ears perking up at this.

Brian raised his eyes to meet his friend’s, “She loves me.”

“No shit.”

“She hasn’t told me personally, but I read it. For Christmas, she gave me her journal to read, well her sister gave it to me, and she said it in there.”

This barely mattered to AJ, however, and it wasn’t long before he found himself asking, more to himself than to Brian, “Then why is she still with Nick?”

“I don’t know. I know she cares for him, and why not? He treats her like she should be treated. She was with him first, so obviously there’s something there. Maybe she’s trying to salvage what they have, just like I am with Leigh.”

“Maybe,” AJ agreed thoughtfully, noticing that Brian was struggling to find the real answer to this question himself.

Silence enveloped them then. Brian was clearly engrossed in his own thoughts, looking down at the floor with a look of worry on his face. He was hunched over slightly, and AJ couldn’t help but feel for his friend. He couldn’t help but see the huge burden that lied atop his friend’s shoulders. He knew nothing else he could say that night would help anything. He had said his piece, now it was up to Brian to decide.

It was hard to give any sort of advice on a situation like this, especially to a man like Brian. AJ’s illusions of whom he thought Brian was were shattered that night in Mexico. He had always thought Brian to be a moral man, so when he saw him making love to a woman that was not his own, he had been rudely awakened to something he didn't think possible. It wasn’t in Brian’s personality to do something so rash, so the fact that he had done it not only that one night, but for months before hand, showed AJ all too clearly that there was more to this than just sex. Brian wasn’t about superfluous relationships. He was about commitment. He believed in one man, one woman. He believed in love.

AJ wouldn’t change positions with him for all the world, but he wished he could have said something to push all of his friend’s worries away. It wasn’t fair for this dedicated man to have to go through something so awful. It would be easy to tell Brian to fuck everyone and just be with Leslie, because if it were AJ, he would probably find himself doing just that, but the fact was that this was Brian. How do you tell a man that has lived his entire life following a set path and a set list of values to forget everything he’s ever been taught and to take a chance? How to you tell a man to leap into an unknown and terrifying future, with no way of knowing what the outcome of his actions would be? How do you tell a man to live?

AJ watched Brian sadly, before asking quietly, “So what are you going to do?”

Brian looked over at AJ, his face suddenly showing just how tired he was, “I wish I knew.”

The Next Day

Leslie smiled when she boarded Nick’s tour bus. She spotted Nick by the couch, crouched down, talking in a cute, baby voice to her new puppy Maggie. He was rubbing her stomach and she was lying on her back, basking in the attention. Leslie stood back for a few moments, taking the scene in. It was in moments like these that you could see the true soul of a man. Nick was gentle and compassionate. Nick cared. She admired these qualities and they helped her cope with her internal struggles.

“Who’s a good dog? Yes, that’s right. You are! Cute little puppy,” Nick cooed. He suddenly stopped when he heard Leslie’s giggles.

“You were not supposed to see that,” he grumbled, getting to his feet.

Leslie quickly closed the gap between them and wrapped her arms around his neck. She kissed him lightly, “Why not? It’s endearing and maybe even a turn on?”

His eyes rose at this in anticipation, “Really?”

She scrunched up her nose, shaking her head, “Nah, not really.”

He rolled his eyes, “Thanks for getting my hopes up babe.”

She kissed him again, “It’s what I do.”

She bent down and picked up the quiet puppy, cradling it in her arms. She kissed the top of Maggie’s head and took a seat on the couch. Nick sat next to her, smiling warmly, “She’s taken to you.”

Leslie’s eyes met with his, “You think?”

“Definitely. She’s obviously more comfortable with you than with anyone else,” he pointed.

Leslie’s heart warmed at this, “All thanks to you.”

Nick shrugged, “It’s not a big deal.”

“But it is. It means everything to me,” Leslie admitted. A look of loving affection washed over him and he leaned in to press his lips against hers. They lingered there for a moment before he pulled back, “You know, just when I think it’s impossible, I seem to fall more in love with you every day.”

A month ago, Leslie would have replied with something that she herself didn’t believe in. She would have told Nick that she loved him too, but with doubt and guilt. However, these past couple of weeks since the tour had started back up, she had been spending more and more time with him. She made it a point not to see Brian unless she absolutely had to, and she was grateful for this, for it was getting easier as the days passed. The pain was finally subsiding. She still loved Brian dearly, and she always would, but she couldn’t let her feelings for him halt her life. She had a good man and he loved her. Why should she waste her time pining over a man that she wasn’t sure loved her back? Why waste her time with a man that had already started a life with another woman? It wasn’t worth it.

So now, at this very moment, Leslie opened her mouth and spoke with rising certainty, guilt of lying no longer hidden beneath the words, “I love you, too, Nicky. More and more each day.”

Though these feelings were becoming a reality for Leslie, she still had the aching desire to tell Nick what she had done. She knew that if she were going to move forward with her relationship with Nick, she would have to come clean. It was getting harder each day to keep something so horrible to herself. How could she deceive him so? He didn’t deserve it. He had done nothing wrong. All he had ever done was take care of her. All he had ever done was love her, and what had she done in return? She had cheated on him, not once, but for months, and not just with any man, but with his best friend. There were several complications surrounding the entire situation, but the point was that she was sorry, not for falling in love with Brian per say, but for keeping it from Nick. It wasn’t fair to him. He deserved to know the truth, but how was she going to break it to him? And when? She was terrified to go through with it.

Just then, the bus roared to life and started out of the hotel parking lot towards their next destination. Leslie looked out the window with a thoughtful expression, watching the darkened streets pass her by. She ran through her mind once more on how she would go about breaking the news to him. She had considered countless scenarios and none of them seemed appealing. Either way, she knew that he would be upset. She knew that he would be angry.

What she didn’t know was how he would ultimately react in the end towards their relationship. Would he break up with her? Would his trust for her be gone forever? Would he still love her? All of these questions and more mattered to her.

She knew that she should just bite the bullet and do it. There was no use in prolonging it any longer, because the longer she waited, the worse it would be. So why didn’t she just do it? Well, Brian for one. She felt that she should let him know what she was about to do, or at least talk to him about the possibility. Though it wasn’t fair to keep such a horrible secret from Nick, it still wasn’t fair to cause a dissention amongst the group over her and Brian’s shared weakness. It wasn’t just her cheating on Nick, it was her potential of ruining the band.

Though this was a major factor, she couldn’t deny that another reason why she was holding the inevitable off was because she was grasping onto some faint hope that Brian would still leave Leighanne for her. This thought frightened her, but at the same time she knew it was ridiculous. It was just wishful thinking. That chapter of her life was over and a new one was opening up for her; one she was accepting wholeheartedly.

“Penny for your thoughts?” Nick asked, his fingers lacing through her hair.

She turned to him and shook her head, “Just thinking.”

“About?”

“Nothing in particular,” she lied.

He smiled lightly, “You excited for tomorrow?”

Leslie couldn’t help but grin herself, “Maybe a little.”

“Only a little? Girl, you better be excited,” he joked in a high pitched voice, flipping his hand towards her femininely.

Leslie giggled, “Okay, I’m excited. I’m just full of excitement. I’m bursting with it.”

“That’s better,” he grinned. “Who knows, maybe you’ll wake up tomorrow a shriveled up prune.”

Leslie slapped Nick’s arm, laughing, “Shut up Nick. I’m not gonna be that old.”

Nick scrunched up his nose playfully, “I don’t know babe, 26 is pushing it a bit.”

Leslie rolled her eyes, knowing Nick was only joking with her, “Oh yeah, and you’re just a young little whippersnapper eh?”

Nick nodded confidently, before kissing her, “You know it. Seriously though, you’re gonna love your surprise.”

“I love surprises,” Leslie face lit up.

“I know you do, that’s why I’m doing it,” he teased.

“And we’re driving all the way back to New York for it?” she asked.

“Would you rather spend your birthday in Pennsylvania?” he raised his brow quizzically.

“New York sounds perfect,” Leslie beamed. She always loved her birthday, or anyone’s birthday for that matter. She loved any day where there was cause for celebration. But to be spending her birthday in New York City was an extra bonus. It was one of her favorite places on earth. They had started the tour in the city, and for the past couple of weeks they had been going all about the Northeastern United States, and it just so happened that her birthday coincided closely with their next show down in Virginia. Nick had mentioned to her only a few days before that they would be making a small detour back to Manhattan for her birthday before heading down to the D.C. area the following day.

“You’re perfect,” Nick responded lovingly. Leslie sighed happily, allowing Nick to kiss her once more. Nick lied back on the couch, pulling Leslie with him. They snuggled against each other, Maggie lying peacefully at their feet. They let the low hum of the bus’s engine drift them off to sleep, the busy day slipping off of their relaxed bodies.

Though things had begun to settle down in Leslie’s life, she knew that she wasn’t entirely clear of the heartache just yet. A lot of the stability depended on Brian and his actions, but most of it really depended on her and her ability to keep true to her decisions. Right now she was happy. Right now she felt she stood on solid ground, but tomorrow held the unexpected. Tomorrow would be the day everything would change. It would be the day when Nick asked Leslie to marry him. It would be the day when everything shattered.

Tomorrow would be the day when all hell would break loose.

I love you – those three words have my life in them.
~Alexandrea to Nicholas III

“Nick, this thing is making my face itch,” Leslie whined. It took all the willpower she could muster not to reach up and snatch the blindfold away from her face.

She heard him chuckle beside her as he tightened his hold on her hand, “Just be patient, we’re almost there.”

Nick had been tight lipped about this night’s birthday events the entire day. Leslie had given into her desire to know everything and as a result, had proceeded to plead with Nick to tell her what he had planned. He was resilient, however, and had not budged an inch. He would only smile lovingly and kiss her softly. He was taking pleasure out of this form of torture and she was finding it irksome yet romantic all at the same time.

He had been showering her with attention the whole day. In the morning he took her out to breakfast and then treated her to a horse drawn carriage ride through Central Park. For lunch, they settled down at a delicatessen in Times Square, and then afterwards they hit up the Metropolitan Museum of Art for the afternoon. Leslie especially enjoyed this last part because she had always adored art. She could tell that Nick wasn’t enjoying it as much as she was, but he tried, and that meant a lot to her. She caught him with a puzzled expression more than once and she had to stop herself from giggling.

Leslie had an overall wonderful day, thanks to Nick, but there was an underlying sadness over everything that was being showered on her. Out of all of her birthdays, she had never once been so phone deprived than she was then. Usually her cell phone would constantly ring the day of her birthday, but she had only gotten a handful of calls, and none of them from the people that mattered to her most. She found it hard to believe neither of her parents or Amy had contacted her. Not only that, but no one from the tour, including the guys themselves, had wished her a Happy Birthday. She was disappointed that she wouldn’t get to spend her birthday with everyone, but she understood that they had things to do and had to get to Virginia for interviews. She understood that Nick was going out of his way for her. She just didn’t expect being forgotten. She kept telling herself that the day was still young and that she would hear from everyone soon, but it was already 8 o’clock, and her heart was slowly sinking further and further into her stomach. Her happy mood was quickly sinking.

It was one thing not to hear from her family, but not hearing from Brian was entirely different. Out of everyone, his silence bothered her the most. Out of everyone, she thought that he would be the first to call her, but he hadn’t, and as a result, her thoughts were plagued by doubts of if his feelings for her were truly real. How could they be if he could forget a day he knew meant so much to her? Of course, she knew she was being ridiculous. She was thinking too much and as a result, she was reaching conclusions that probably weren’t truth. This was one of her major faults as a woman, but this particular vice was shared by many. Women think too much, they overanalyze, they worry. She knew these things, but that didn’t stop her from thinking the worst. It didn’t stop her from feeling so hurt.

After Nick and Leslie left the museum, they returned to the hotel and Leslie immediately collapsed onto the bed, exhausted both from the excitement of the day, but also because her emotions were draining her. She was nearly ready to call it a night before Nick had announced that he had one more surprise in store for her. He told her to dress up in something fancy, yet comfortable. She used his cue of getting into a nice black suit as a means to figure out what she would wear in turn. She had no idea what he had planned and her attempts at finding out were only in vain. She had settled on a baby blue, knee length, strapless dress that flowed about her like water.

Her confusion had only heightened when Nick informed her that he would have to blindfold her. She was less than pleased with this notion due to the fact that she had just spent a good amount of time in perfecting her hair, but she gave in nonetheless, not wanting to ruin Nick’s surprise for her.

Now, the two of them sat in the back of a limo, driving to God knows where. She could feel the nervousness and excitement emanating from Nick, and it only made her just as jittery. Was he taking her to the opera? Was he taking her out dancing? She had run through every idea imaginable, but she couldn’t settle on any one conclusion because with Nick, any of them were possible.

She felt the car finally come to a slow stop then and Nick moved beside her. She turned her head in his direction, “We there?”

“We are. Sit tight for a second babe,” he said softly. The limo door opened then and cold air came rushing into the cabin, making Leslie shiver involuntarily. She felt Nick’s warmth leave her as he stepped out of the vehicle, but his hand found hers soon after, telling her that it was her turn to get out. Nick helped her out of the limo carefully, holding her hand and steadying her by placing his hand firmly on her lower back. Her heels clacked to the cement as she exited and she could hear the car door slam shut behind her.

“Nick, I have to look ridiculous,” Leslie hissed.

Nick laughed, leading her further up the sidewalk, “You don’t, I promise. If anyone’s looking, it’s because they can’t believe how gorgeous you are.”

Leslie couldn’t help but smile, “Always the charmer Carter.”

“Only with you,” he said before kissing her cheek gently.

He informed her that she would have to climb some stairs and after some careful maneuvering, Nick was escorting her into a heated building. Her curiosity and excitement were rising to a new level, and she was soon forgetting about her lack of birthday wishes.

“You doing okay?” Nick asked.

“Course, except I’m dying to know where we are,” she smiled.

After a couple of minutes walking through the building, Nick came to a stop and let go of her hand for a moment. Leslie heard a door open in front of her then and Nick led her through it. She thought she heard hushed voices, but she dismissed this when Nick spoke up again, “We’re here.”

“We are?”

“You ready?” Nick asked. Leslie could tell by his voice that he was smiling.

“Do you even have to ask?” Leslie retorted.

Nick laughed and he slowly inched his fingers around her head to untie her blindfold. When he pulled it away from her face, she didn’t even have time for her eyes to adjust before a large group of people screamed ‘Surprise!’, with balloons and streamers immediately flying from the ceiling. Leslie stood there in shock, trying to take in the scene. She raised her hands to her mouth, shocked.

People came rushing towards her, and she barely had time to comprehend what was happening until they were upon her. She saw her parents and Amy at the head of the crowd, rushing to her excitedly. They wrapped her in a hug, all of them at once telling her Happy Birthday and trying to apologize for not calling her earlier; Nick had made them promise not to.

Leslie hugged them back, still trying to adjust to this welcomed surprise. She was ecstatic, so much so that she could barely take in who was hugging her or what anyone was saying to her. She turned to Nick through all this and threw her arms around his neck, kissing him hard. He laughed against her lips and laced his arms behind her back, kissing her right back. She pulled away to look at him, “Baby, thank you so much!”

“I knew you would like it,” he grinned, kissing her softly.

“I’ve never been thrown a surprise party before,” she admitted.

He nodded, “I know.”

Leslie wanted to show her gratitude more. but she was quickly grabbed away from Nick and scooped up into several more hugs. Nick had gotten her family, some of her old friends from Colorado, and the entire tour to show up. How he did it, she did not know, but she was beyond surprised. All her fears and worries from earlier that day shattered and she embraced the happiness and love that surrounded her.

Nick had rented out a medium sized event ballroom with a stage, a dance floor, a bar, tables full of finger foods and sweets, and of course, the surrounding tables for the guests. The room was decorated beautifully, from pastel colored balloons to similar colored flowers. A DJ was busy on stage, finally throwing the party into full swing. Leslie felt like she was in an episode of Sweet Sixteen on MTV with how glamorous the room was. It was like a Hollywood party, but for her.

She glanced over at Nick seeing him engrossed in greeting her parents, wondering how much this had cost him. He was really too good to be true. She hadn’t expected this in a million years, and even now, she felt that she didn’t deserve it. She didn’t need all this, though she was appreciative. She would have been content staying at the hotel and cuddling up with Nick to watch a movie, but Nick had surpassed anything she had ever imagined. The time, effort, and money that had to go into this was astounding to even think about, and she wondered how he did it without her knowledge. She felt so incredibly loved at that moment that she was nearly on the verge of tears.

“Happy Birthday!” Rachel squealed as she ran up and engulfed Leslie in a hug.

Leslie stumbled back and laughed, “Why thank you.”

Leigh was close behind, “Yeah, Happy Birthday beautiful. Did ya think we all forgot?”

Leslie gave Leigh a quick hug and nodded sheepishly, “To be honest, I did.”

Both Rachel and Leigh ‘Awww’ed in unison, and went in for another hug. Rachel jumped in apologetically, “We’re so sorry! We hated having to keep quiet about all this, but Nick made us promise. I found it the hardest cause lord knows I can’t keep a secret worth a damn, but this is nice isn’t it?”

“It’s beyond nice. It’s amazing. I don’t know how Nick did it,” Leslie said looking at the spectacle about her. Everyone was dispersing and finding their own little niches, whether it was on the dance floor, by the bar, chatting amongst the tables, or eating. It was a packed room, but she knew everyone, and that made it all the more special.

“He hired a party planner I think,” Leigh commented.

Leslie laughed, “See, I knew he couldn’t do it all by himself.”

“Oh, don’t let that fool you. He picked everything out and made sure everything was perfect. He’s been excited about this for weeks.”

“Well, it’s great, and I’m so glad you guys made it. I know how busy you guys are,” Leslie said sincerely.

“Pssh, we wouldn’t have missed this for the world!” Rachel beamed as she wrapped Leslie in another hug. “But we’ll let you go mingle. We wouldn’t want to keep the birthday girl from all her guests.”

“Thanks, I’ll find you later okay?” Leslie said, noticing more people approaching.

“Sounds good, but oh! Before I forget... your present, it’s for both you AND Nick,” Rachel winked. Leigh laughed and grabbed Rachel’s arm, pulling her away.

Leslie looked at her puzzled, “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You’ll just have to find out!” Rachel called behind her shoulder.

Leslie greeted everyone that was in proximity, from AJ, Howie, Kevin, and Kristen, to some friends she hadn’t seen in what seemed like years from Colorado, to some of the roadies and dancers. She spent some time with her parents, and especially some time with Amy, unable to conceal her excitement that they were here to celebrate with her.

After nearly an hour, however, she was becoming puzzled by the fact that she had yet to see or hear from Brian. He was here wasn’t he? She was afraid to ask anyone, thinking it imprudent to be so specific about a particular person being present, but her curiosity was getting the best of her. It wasn’t until she was once again with Nick on the dance floor that Brian had appeared.

She saw him at the edge of the dance floor, absentmindedly talking to Howie, but it was clear his attention was elsewhere because he would repeatedly glance over in her direction. She wondered where he had been the entire night, but she pushed those thoughts away, happy and relieved to know that he was actually there in the first place.

“So how do you like everything?” Nick asked softly in Leslie’s ear.

Edwin McCain’s ‘I’ll Be’ was playing through the speakers. Nick had intentionally asked the DJ to play this particular song so that he could get a slow dance in before the party got too crazy, and the song choice itself was based off of Nick and Leslie’s first date. They were driving to dinner and this song came on the radio. Leslie went on to gush about how she had been obsessed with the song when it originally came out and Nick had teased her about it. He was too proud to admit that he liked it too.

“I love it. You did good Nicky,” Leslie smiled.

She looked up at him lovingly and he kissed her forehead, “How good?”

“Real good,” Leslie joked in a manly voice.

Nick laughed lightly, “So brownie points for me then?”

“Major brownie points,” Leslie agreed.

“Does that mean I can get a little somethin’ somethin’ later?” Nick wriggled his eyebrows playfully.

Leslie acted shy, “Maybe…”

“Maybe!? Woman, what do I gotta do to get some lovin’?” Nick whined.

Leslie rolled her eyes, “You act like you never get any.”

Nick raised an eyebrow as if to agree with that statement and Leslie laughed, smacking Nick’s shoulder, “You get it more often than you probably should!”

He laughed, “Alright, alright, I know, I’m only joking with you baby. All I gotta do is bat my eyelashes at you and you’re putty in my hands.”

Nick commenced to bat his eyelashes and Leslie giggled, having to look away from his absurd actions, “Oh God.”

“That’s what she said,” Nick joked.

“You’re on a roll tonight aren’t you?” Leslie mused.

“What can I say? I’m just in a happy mood, and you know why?”

“Why?

“Because you’re happy,” he said sincerely.

She took a moment to take in his loving words before kissing him softly, “You’re so good to me Nicky.”

“I love you,” he kissed her.

She smiled and kissed him back, “Love you, too.”

Just then, someone cleared their throat from behind Nick, and both Nick and Leslie turned their heads to see who had joined their little party on the dance floor amongst all the moving couples. Brian stood there, shy and unsure with himself. He smiled at the both of them and turned his attention to Nick, “Would it be terrible to ask the birthday girl to dance?”

He only glanced at Leslie as he addressed Nick. Leslie could see his nervousness and it made her smile from its cuteness.

Though Nick would have liked to finish out the song with his girlfriend, he didn’t see the big deal in letting his best friend take over for the last couple of minutes, so Nick smiled and dropped his hands away from Leslie’s body. He reached over to clap Brian on the back, “Go for it. I guess I can’t hog her all night can I? I hope you’re not afraid that she’ll upstage you.”

“She does that every night anyway,” Brian kidded.

Leslie smiled at this comment and Nick leaned in and kissed her cheek before scampering off to mingle with other guests. Leslie turned her attention back to Brian and blushed slightly as he saw the look he was giving her; pure adoration.

He held out his hand and she tentatively slid hers into his. Brian gently pulled her into his arms and began to sway to the music. She leaned against him comfortably, allowing him to gently move her body with his.

After a few moments of silence, Brian finally spoke up softly, “Happy Birthday.”

She pulled back to look up at him, “Thank you.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t call you,” he apologized sincerely.

Leslie shook her head, “It’s not a big deal.”

“But it is. It was torture not being able to talk to you. I nearly called you over a dozen times, but we had all promised Nick not to do anything. I was a wreck all day,” Brian admitted.

“A wreck huh?” Leslie teased.

He laughed lightly, “I thought you’d hate me.”

“Of course I wouldn’t hate you,” Leslie replied.

Silence enveloped them once more, but it was a comfortable silence. They both realized that this was the first time they had ever slow danced with one another, and though they couldn’t vocally express what they were thinking, they both knew that the same thing was running through their minds; this felt right.

Brian had barely gotten any sleep the night before. He was tempted to call Leslie up and just forget Nick’s wishes, but he held himself back, thinking it would be worth it in the end for both him and Leslie. He was only afraid that she would be hurt by his blatant disregard for a holiday that she had expressed several times in loving so dearly. He had indeed been a wreck all day. He constantly stared at his phone, continually having to stop himself from pressing the ‘Send’ button when he brought her number up. It didn't help that Leighanne had been complaining all day about having to go to the party that night. She kept telling him that she didn’t feel up to it and that they should both stay in and relax. Leslie would understand, she said. But that was out of the question. There was no way in hell that Brian would miss such an important occasion, especially because it dealt with Leslie, the woman of his dreams.

He had been antsy the entire hour before Leslie had shown up. Nick wanted everyone at the event center over an hour before they showed up, just to make sure all the guests had enough time to get to the party and prepare for Leslie’s surprise. He had sat down at one of the tables and commenced to nervously chew on his inner cheek. He got in the habit of glancing at his watch every 30 seconds or so, wondering why time wasn’t going by any faster. He was eager to see Leslie and wish her a Happy Birthday to prove to her that he didn’t forget and that he did care, but not only that, he secretly had other plans.

From his and Leighanne’s last major argument surrounding the baby and Brian’s later conversation with AJ, Brian had come to the conclusion that AJ was right. He couldn’t stay with Leighanne because it wasn’t fair to either of them. He had tried to fix something that was permanently broken, and in the process had ruined a potential relationship with the woman he was so madly in love with. He tried to rekindle his romance with Leighanne but found it both hard and fruitless. He tried keeping a steady friendship with Leslie in the hopes of getting over his feelings for her, but that had turned out disastrously. He tried to finally do the right thing, but he felt more and more out of control and unhappy with each day that passed. He had tried, and that was what mattered. Ultimately, he knew that he couldn’t do this to himself for the rest of his life. He had accepted that fact that he would never love Leighanne the way that she wanted him to, that he would never get over Leslie, that they could never be just friends, and that he would never be happy in a marriage only brought together by a child that was a complete accident.

And so, he was going to use this night as a means to finally tell Leslie how he felt. He would finally tell her that he was in love with her and had been from the moment he first set eyes on her, and that he was going to leave Leighanne for good. He wanted nothing more in this world than to be with her, and if that meant risking everything he had worked so hard for in every aspect of his life, then so be it. What mattered was that she was his. He only hoped that he wasn’t too late. He feared that Leslie may have finally moved on from him, but he feared even more so that Nick had already proposed. However, he doubted this, knowing that Nick wished to do it later on in the party. He felt terrible for betraying Nick, but he had to tell Leslie how he felt now, or else he wasn’t going to get a chance otherwise. He had to tell her so she could decide for herself who she really wanted to be with.

AJ had seen Brian’s agitation before Leslie and Nick showed up and had tried to comfort him, seeing that Leighanne made no attempts to as she wandered off to talk to Kristin, but nothing he said seemed to make any difference. It was obvious Brian was preoccupied with more than he was trying to let on, but AJ couldn’t delve any deeper, thinking the place was inappropriate to do so.

And so, when Leslie finally showed up, Brian lingered back, waiting for the onslaught of greetings, and happy birthday’s, to diminish before he approached her. He needed all of her attention, and as of then, he finally had it.

Brian noticed that the song was coming to an end, and snapped out of his reverie. He had gotten lost in Leslie once again, not realizing that time was ticking by. For a moment, he had forgotten what he really meant to talk about with her, but now he knew that if he didn’t get it out now, he may not be able to find time to tell her later.

He finally spoke up, looking down at her beautiful face seriously, yet softly, “Leslie, I need to tell you something.”

She was thoughtful, wondering what could have sparked such a sharp change in tone, “What is it?”

This was it. The moment of truth. He couldn’t back down now. Would she say it back to him? Would she walk away? Would she laugh? Would she cry? Would she slap him? Would she yell? Would she do anything at all?

He took a deep breath, debating if he should really go through with it. He was second guessing himself, and this was the worst time in the world to do so. He licked his lips nervously and looked away from the eyes that had captured his heart so fiercely. Leslie grew puzzled by his demeanor and followed his gaze, trying to get him to look back at her. When she finally locked her eyes with his once more, she was surprised to find sadness there.

“Brian, what is it?” she asked quietly. She searched his face, faintly noticing that the music had come to an end. Their bodies had stopped moving, but they had made no move to remove their arms from around each other.

Brian decided to take the plunge, seeing the concern and love etched over her face. He felt comforted then. He knew that it would be okay.

He opened his mouth to let go of the words he had been meaning to say since the moment he had first kissed her, “I lo-“

“Hiyo!” someone called out. Brian’s words were frozen in his throat, and the moment that was created between the two of them vanished in mere milliseconds. Leslie’s arms dropped from around Brian’s neck and Brian reluctantly pulled his arms away as well. Brian’s heart cracked painfully in his chest, seeing his opportunity of telling her his true feelings flickering away.

Timbaland began blasting through the speakers and AJ swooped in, grabbing Leslie’s hand, “You don’t mind that I steal her for a bit do you Rok?”

Brian couldn’t find the words to respond, so he only shook his head, watching Leslie step away from him. She looked back at him apologetically, “We’ll talk later okay?”

He nodded, giving her a small smile.

AJ had noticed the two on the dance floor and watched them closely. In just a couple of moments, it was clear that they couldn’t contain their hidden emotions. It was seemingly a dance between a pair of friends, but it was clear that through the way they looked at one another and the way they held each other that there was more to it than that. AJ feared that people would notice, so as a means to keep the peace, he had interrupted their little world.

After a couple more hours of dancing, laughing, and talking, people started to get a little more rowdy. Champagne and wine flowed like water, and the music was constantly upbeat. It was soon turning into a club like atmosphere, but no one minded, including Leslie. Brian even let go a little. He found himself doing shots over at the bar with Kevin, which was a rare sight to see, but considering the circumstances, Brian thought he could indulge a little.

Leslie was busy chatting up Amy and a couple of the dancers when Nick approached her. He was on a high, not only because Leslie was obviously having a great birthday, but because the party had turned out to be better than he ever hoped it would be. It was a smashing success, and he couldn’t help but beam with pride. He felt that this was the most opportune time to finally pop the question. If not now, surrounded by everyone they knew and loved, then when? It was the perfect opportunity.

Leslie turned when Nick’s hand interlaced with hers. He leaned down and kissed her gently, “Hey, sorry, but can I talk to you for a second?”

Leslie smiled and nodded, “Of course. What’s up?”

“Let’s go somewhere a little more private,” he suggested, glancing at Amy and the other ladies that surrounded his beloved.

Leslie was intrigued by this and wondered what could be so important and so private for Nick to want to go elsewhere, but she didn’t object. She looked to Amy and the girls and told them that she would be back in a few moments, and then allowed Nick to lead her through the party. It wasn’t long until she felt the night’s cool air hitting her heated skin, and she took a deep breath, welcoming the sensation.

Nick had taken her to the side of the room where there were several glass paned doors that led out to several miniature balconies. Nick had quickly opened the doors and pulled them through, closing the doors behind them.

Leslie looked to Nick in puzzlement, “What did you need to talk about?”

Nick grinned and approached her, taking the time to gently snatch the champagne class from her grasp and rest it against the railing. He took her hands then and raised them to his lips, kissing her skin gently. Their breath billowed out in front of them, but neither cared, for Nick was too excited and Leslie was too curious to notice.

“I love you, you know that right?” Nick began.

Starting out a conversation like this always seemed to go two ways, to heartbreak or fulfillment. Leslie couldn’t imagine this leading to something horrible, especially after everything Nick had done for her that day.

“Of course,” Leslie replied, letting Nick lace his fingers through hers.

He licked his lips and laughed lightly, “I’m a little nervous.”

“About what?” she asked.

He looked down for a moment, his grin never leaving his features, and then back up at her, “I’ve been thinking a lot lately, about us that is. And I’ve come to realize a few things.”

The high and excitement from the party was slowly beginning to dissipate within Leslie. She hadn’t expected Nick to want to talk about something serious, but it was clear that was the path that he was taking, and it was beginning to make her nervous. What was he trying to get at? What was so important for him to pull her aside when they were all having so much fun?

He raised his hand to gently rub his fingers against her cheek, “You’re so beautiful baby. I’m so lucky to have you.”

Leslie smiled at him, “And I’m lucky to have you.”

He nodded, once again taking her hands into his, “I don’t know what my life would be like if I hadn’t have met you. I didn’t even know a woman like you existed. You’re everything to me. I’ve realized just how special you are through how you’ve changed my life. You’ve made me a better man. You make me want to be a better man. I’ve realized that if everything were to fall to pieces tomorrow, that it would be okay because I would have you. That’s what matters to me Leslie. Out of everything in this world, you matter to me most.”

Leslie's heart was beginning to speed up a little bit, not out of flattery or excitement, but out of nervousness and dread. She was afraid now. She was flat out terrified.

Nick had always been very sentimental with her, but tonight was different. There was something in his eyes and the way he said the words that made her uneasy. She was afraid where this was going, and the more he talked, the surer she was as to what he was trying to get at, and she was in no way prepared for it.

“Nicky…” she began uncomfortably.

Nick interrupted her by raising his hand, “Hang on, let me finish okay? If I stop now, I don’t know if I’ll be able to start up again.”

She pursed her lips and allowed him to gather his thoughts. He sighed and continued, “I see how happy Kristin and Kevin are, and Brian and Leighanne, and I started to think that we could be like that. I can see myself with you always. I see myself growing old with you. I see myself having kids with you…”

He trailed off and he laughed sheepishly, “I feel like an idiot for saying all this. I know it’s cheesy.”

Leslie was beginning to panic. She was frantically searching her brain for a way to get out of this. She wasn’t ready. This couldn’t be happening now. Her feelings were still so fragile. She had only just begun having strong feelings for Nick, and now he was on the verge of ruining all that. She glanced sideways at the paned glassed doors and saw the party within, wanting more than ever to step foot back into the heated room and get lost amongst everyone.

Nick squeezed Leslie’s hands and her attention was brought back to him swiftly. He was smiling lovingly down at her, “I guess I should just cut to the chase…”

He cleared his throat and let go of her hands. He reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a black box. It was at this moment that Leslie felt like throwing up. She was screaming on the inside. She kept repeating that this couldn’t be happening. This couldn’t be happening. This couldn’t be happening!

Nick slowly got down on one knee then, and looked back up at Leslie. If he had noticed her nervous and agitated disposition, he made no signs of acknowledging it. He reached out and took her hand, locking his blue eyes with hers. She stared down at him, knowing that this moment was something she had dreams about ever since she was a little girl, but somehow, the feelings she was experiencing weren’t the ones she had believed she would feel. She had always envisioned being completely elated, but as of then, she dreaded the next words that would come out of his mouth. She loathed them. The stability she had recently found was crumbling away beneath her.

“Leslie Ann Baker, I love you. I love you so much that it hurts. I can’t see my life without you in it. All I see is you, and I can’t go on another day not knowing that you truly are mine; body and soul. Baby…” Nick paused then and took a deep breath.

Then there they were. The words she had feared.

“Will you marry me?” he asked, relief immediately washing over his features when the words left his mouth. He looked up at her excitedly, waiting.

Leslie only stared down at him in shock. She didn’t know what to say. She didn’t know what to do. This was the last thing in the world that she had ever expected. She hadn’t even thought that this was possible. How had she dismissed the fact that Nick might someday want to marry her? Through all her heartache with Brian and through all her struggles into getting back on track with Nick, she had disregarded a big chunk of possibilities. She hated herself for allowing herself to become so vulnerable and blindsided.

Leslie let out a long breath, feeling her eyes well up with tears. She felt so lost. Here was a man on his knees, pouring his entire soul out to her, asking her to spend the rest of her life with him and only him, and she couldn’t find any words to say. She felt terrible. She felt like a monster.

The silence that filled the air was drawing on way too long and Nick’s happy high faltered slightly. He had not expected her to take this long to answer, and why wasn’t she smiling? He saw tears forming, but somehow he suspected that they weren’t tears of joy. Why wasn’t she speaking?

“Leslie?” Nick asked tentatively.

Leslie swallowed hard, trying to gain control of herself. What the hell was she going to do?

“Leslie?” Nick repeated, the nervousness more prominent now.

Does she say yes? If she did, she would be lying to herself. Sure, she loved him, but she wasn’t ready for marriage. She wouldn’t be for quite awhile yet. Her heart was still mending, and her feelings for Nick were still unsteady. Could she say yes and just opt for a long engagement? Would that even be fair to Nick if she finally figured out that she could never love him the way that he loves her?

So then, does she say no? If she does that, however, she knew that she wouldn’t be able to lie about why not. She couldn’t bear tossing more lies at him when all he had ever done was love her. She would have to tell him the truth and hope that he would understand. She would have to tell him the truth and hope that he wouldn’t leave her.

She opened her mouth to finally speak but found that her throat and mouth had gone completely dry. She cleared it painfully slowly and addressed him carefully, “Nicky…”

His face lit up as she spoke, thinking that she had to just overcome the shock of him asking her for her hand in marriage, and that she would now accept him. But this happiness soon diminished when he saw the sad look on her face, and the gentle tone she used when she spoke up again, “Nick…”

She sighed, averting her gaze for a moment before looking back at him. A couple of tears escaped her eyes, and she bent down to grab both of his hands, pulling up on them, “Please stand up.”

Stand up? Why the hell would she want him to stand up? She hadn’t answered him yet.

Nick’s heart began to beat rapidly in his chest. This didn’t feel right. She was acting far from what he had expected. He felt a sense of dread sweep over him.

He reluctantly got to his feet, the dazzling ring still held within his fingers. He watched as Leslie raised her hand to rub her forehead stressfully. She turned away from him, placing her other hand on her hip. She paced slightly and her features grew even more sullen. With each passing moment, his heart sank further and further into his stomach, until he was soon on the verge of bursting.

She finally stopped pacing and faced him again, immediately seeing his downcast expression. This hurt her heart even further, and made her decision even more horrible. She stumbled over her thoughts, choking on her words, “Nick… I can’t.”

All the color drained from his face. He gulped, trying to ignore the fact that his stomach was lurching uncomfortably. The air around him tore apart. He felt like he had been slapped hard across the face. He was dazed for a moment, having to repeat her words over in his head. The more he repeated it, the worse he felt. The more he repeated it, the harder it was for him to stay focused.

“Can’t?” he breathed out quietly. He clutched the black box in his hand, felt the cold metal of the ring against his fingers. Leslie had just rejected him. He never even thought to take this into account.

She looked to him sadly, “I’m sorry Nick. I really am. I care for you, I really do. I wasn’t expecting this…”

He barely heard her, however, as he interrupted her, “Why not?”

She stopped in mid-sentence and took a deep breath. This was the question she had been dreading. She didn’t know how to respond at first.

He asked more forcefully, “Why not?”

The embarrassment of baring his soul and asking her hand in marriage and then turning around and being rejected was showering down on him.

She flinched at his words. She opened her mouth to speak, but Nick interrupted her once more, “What did I do? Did I do something wrong?”

“No, of course not,” she quickly responded. “You did absolutely nothing wrong. All you have ever been is loving and supportive. You’re an amazing man…”

“Then what then?” he was desperate now. He was beyond confused. He was beginning to feel helpless.

The cold night air was no longer welcomed. The heat she had obtained from inside the party had long ago diminished and now she found her arms hugging herself tightly to fight off the cold. She looked to Nick’s sad face and tried to choke down her sobs.

Nick began again, “Leslie…”

It was Leslie’s turn to interrupt him. She couldn’t bear holding it off any longer, “Nick, I have to tell you something.”

Nick stopped and stared at her. Her tone was frightening. He felt a heavy dread settle over him. He didn’t respond; he couldn’t.

Leslie’s bottom lip trembled and she hugged herself tighter. She could feel the warm tears slide down her cheeks but she barely noticed them. Her heart was pounding in her chest and her hands were clammy. She was terrified for what she was about to do. She was even more terrified at what the consequences would be.

“I don’t want you to hate me,” she said softly.

He furrowed his eyebrow at her, “I can’t hate you Leslie. I love you too much…”

She shook her head, wanting him to stop, “Nick, I’ve lied to you.”

He was trying to figure out what she was trying to tell him but he was only exasperated. He didn’t understand why she was being this way. He didn’t understand why she had told him no, “All of us lie.”

“Not like this,” Leslie cried. “I’ve done something terrible.”

Nick’s stomach lurched again, “What are you talking about?”

Leslie met his eyes once more, “I’m so sorry Nick.”

“Leslie, what are you talking about?” Nick asked more forcefully. He was getting frustrated.

Leslie bit her lip. She looked at Nick carefully, her nerves jumping into overdrive. She was beyond terrified. All she could do was blindly tell him the truth. She finally choked out softly, “I’ve been seeing someone else.”

His reaction was immediate. It looked as if she had thrown a ten ton boulder at him. His head jerked backwards as the words hit him head on. His facial expression was of complete and utter shock. He gaped at her and stumbled backwards. He threw his arms out to steady himself against the railing of the balcony.

Leslie watched this fearfully, his silence creating an eerie cloud to twirl about them. She kept her distance, watching as his breathing deepened by the second. He was staring down at the concrete and it wasn’t long until he looked as if he would pass out.

“Nick…” Leslie attempted to start up again. “Baby, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean for it to happen... Nick, please talk to me.”

Nick ignored her pleas. He was still trying to process what she had initially said to him. Leslie cheated on him? His Leslie? How could he have not known? How? When? And who?

He spun towards her, and she stepped back in surprise, “Why?”

She quickly shook her head, “I don’t know. It just happened.”

“It just happened!?” he burst. “Did you just happen to fall on the guy’s dick or what Leslie!?”

She cringed, “It wasn’t like that.”

“Then what the hell was it like? Was I not good enough for you?”

“It’s not like that Nick! I don’t know how it happened!”

Nick threw his arms in the air in exasperation. He didn’t know how to react to this. He definitely had not expected it. He had never thought that Leslie would do this to him, and now that it had, he was completely unprepared.

Various emotions surged through him; anger, hate, love, sadness.

It was this last emotion that overcame him then. He lowered his voice and felt the tears come forth, “How could you do this to me?”

Leslie tried to approach him but he pushed her off. She pleaded, “Nick, please. I didn’t mean for it to happen. I’m not seeing him anymore.”

Nick croaked, his tears sliding down his cheeks freely, “I never thought you were capable of doing something like this.”

Leslie was feeling desperate. She had no idea what to say or do to help the situation, “I care for you so much.”

“Don’t lie to me!” he cried, stepping away from her. She watched him stumble back and her heart broke.

“God Nick, I’m so sorry! It’s been eating me up inside having to keep this from you. You’ve been so good to me-“

“Just stop talking,” he put his hand up to silence her.

Leslie couldn’t just stop though, and she continued to plead. Nick spoke over her, “Just stop Leslie! Please. Just stop.”

Leslie quickly shut her mouth, not wanting to make him angrier than he was. She watched as he leaned against the balcony, lowering his head as he began to cry. She stood back watched him tentatively. She felt like screaming at the top of her lungs. She felt like jumping from the balcony.

She was causing him so much pain and she hated herself for it.

Nick could feel Leslie’s eyes boring into his back but he had ceased to care. It felt like his heart had been torn out and stomped all over the ground. How could he go from asking the girl he loved to marry him to finding out that she had cheated on him? What was he supposed to do with that information?

Thousands of thoughts streamed through his head at a pace that he couldn’t keep up with. He could barely comprehend the pain he was feeling, let alone trying to decipher what he was thinking. But there was one thing that stuck out amongst all the pain and the tears and the heartache. It rang all too clear in his head and the more he thought about it, the angrier he became.

Who the fuck was the man Leslie cheated on him with?

WHO?

Nick turned to Leslie again, his voice lowered, his tears controlled, “Who is he?”

“Who?” Leslie croaked out.

“Who the fuck is he, Leslie?” Nick’s voice trembled.

“Don’t do this,” Leslie whispered fearfully. It was one thing to admit her treachery, but it was another to have to admit to whom she did it with. Her stomach was in knots.

“Who is he!?” Nick burst.

Leslie swallowed hard, terrified at the word that was about to slip from her lips.

“Tell me Leslie. That’s the least you can do! Who the fuck is he!?”

She felt defeated. She felt stripped and bare and vulnerable. She felt like her world was ending.

“Tell me,” Nick growled.

Leslie felt a few more tears fall before she heard the name drift from her. If Nick had not been listening so intently, he might not have heard it, but the name boomed through the quiet night air like a firecracker.

“Brian.”

She paused before speaking again, "It's Brian."