Chapter 1

“That’s a wrap everyone.” Director Matt McDermitt yelled after he’d gotten the last shot he needed.

A round of applause was released from all cast and crew as the Backstreet Boys finished up yet another video that would soon hit the airwaves. “I Still” was the third song to have a video made for it off the Never Gone album, which was a good thing, but Nick Carter didn’t see it that way. It’s poetic words about not being able to move on from a past relationship hit a little too close to home.

Who are you now
Are you still the same
Or did you change somehow
What do you do
At this very moment
When I think of you
And when I'm looking back
How we were young and stupid
Do you remember that

No matter how I fight it, can't deny it
Just can't let you go


Had he been a little more eloquent with his words, this song could have been a page torn from his diary, if he kept one that is. Those words tortured Nick to the core. He was haunted by a relationship that had not only made him somewhat notorious to the public, but had also shattered his heart in the process. He loved Paris Hilton, or at least that’s what he told himself in order to put up with all of her less appealing qualities. Looking back now, he knew it wasn’t love he’d experienced but that didn’t stop the doomed relationship from following him long after it was over.

He didn’t want to think about her. He didn’t want to carry her ghost with him everywhere he went, but he couldn’t help it. She was everywhere. Everything he saw, everything he heard, and everything he felt reminded him of her and the huge mistake he’d made by getting involved with her. Everyone he knew told him not to do it from the very beginning. They told him she was no good. They told him she would only hurt him. They were right. Nick didn’t heed the warning of his loved ones and learned his lesson the hard way.

It had been over a year now since his highly publicized break-up and Nick felt that he’d truly learned his lesson, but he’d made the mistake and no one would let him forget it. No one trusted him to make his own decisions anymore when it came to dating. He’d become quite the partier after the break up in an attempt to rid himself of the pain and show the world that he was strong, but the plan sort of backfired. All the short term flings and the one-night stands made the people closest to him even more certain that he was incapable of having success in the romance department. That’s where the trouble started today.

After the video shoot his best friend and band mate, Brian, approached Nick. Brian had been talking to his wife Leighanne about how much he was worried about Nick. Lately it seemed like there was more bothering the young man than usual and though he seemed to be hurting more and more, he was talking to Brian less and less.

It had been very hard for Brian to watch his friend hurt himself over and over again, especially when he himself was so lucky in love. He had recently celebrated his 5th anniversary and considered his wife to be his everything. She was the reason for his strength and he owed her all of his happiness. That’s the kind of relationship he wanted for his best friend. He wanted Nick to be happy the way he was, but to him Nick was young and a bit foolish.

Nick always went for the wrong kind of girl and the same thing always happened. Well not this time. Not if Brian could help it. Tonight was the Video Music Awards and since the guys were presenting, attendance was a must. So far Nick was the only one without a date and Brian saw it as the perfect opportunity to set him up. Leighanne had a really nice friend she thought would be perfect for Nick, but when Brian approached him about it, Nick went ballistic.

Nick had purposefully not found a date for the evening. He couldn’t make a wrong decision or pick the wrong girl if he didn’t have a girl at all, right? Apparently not. Even when not having a date at all, it seemed Nick couldn’t do right by his friend and the last thing he wanted was a pity date. “Hell no,” was Nick’s answer to the question.

The response had been immediate and very hostel. Nick felt a little bad, but only a little. He was already on edge from having to hear the song that seamed to laugh in his face all day. The shoot was supposed to have ended the day before, but took longer than planned and it was now lunchtime. The day had been awful for Nick and he didn’t want to deal with being set up on top of it.

In fact, if he could have, Nick would have skipped the awards all together. But the guys were presenting tonight and they needed him. No matter what was going on in his personal life, Nick always did what was best for the group, so he would attend the awards. But he’d be damned if he was going with some Mary fucking Sue that Brian plucked straight from the congregation at church on Sunday with hopes of reforming poor messed up Nick. And those were the exact words that followed the “Hell no,” he’d given Brian.

The argument that followed was the nastiest one he and Brian had ever had, and lately they’d had some pretty bad ones. This time the argument ended with Nick walking off the set. He wandered the streets of Downtown LA and eventually found himself in the middle of a deserted plaza. There were trees and benches and a fountain in the center. Nothing particularly pretty, but it was quiet so it seemed as good a place as any to sulk. Nick plopped himself down on a bench and remained there for hours.

Some time had passed, quite a bit really, but Nick still sat perched on that bench in the downtown Los Angeles plaza. For a while he’d had solitude but then the lunch crowd came. Nick watched the strangers scamper about in a hurry, laughing with each other, talking on cell phones, or enjoying various forms of lunch. Everyone seemed to be in a hurry, but at least they looked happy, something Nick Carter definitely was not. Soon enough the lunch crowd dispersed, back to the cubicles from whence they came, and Nick found himself alone again, at least for a little while.

It was that time of day when the lunch rush settles down but the kids haven’t been released from school yet and things are quiet. It was late October, so it was a bit chilly, but even in the dead of winter southern California never really gets that cold and Nick had walked off the set so soon after wrapping that he was still dressed in the clothes from the shoot, which were more than enough layers to keep his body temperature adequate.

Nick’s depressing thoughts were soon interrupted as a woman pushed a stroller into the plaza. She hadn’t seen Nick at first but he watched her carefully from the moment she crossed his path. Though he’d sworn off the sex without love theory and starting a relationship was the last thing from his mind, Nick was still a man an immediately sized the woman up.

She had chin length reddish-brown hair that had been clipped out of her face with little silver clips. It looked a little messy, but it worked for her. Her face was kind of pretty, but it looked very tired. She looked about thirty, but Nick guessed she was younger than that anyway. Her body was nothing special. She looked about 5’8” and by normal standards was thin. Not Hollywood thin though, like Paris. This woman had a little more weight around her stomach and hips, probably thanks to the sleeping toddler she had in the stroller. Everything about the woman seemed just average.

The woman checked on her baby and realized that he had fallen asleep. Nick could tell that she was relieved to find him that way and when she smiled, Nick smiled as well. The woman then pulled a book out of the stroller’s underbelly and sat down on a bench directly across the plaza from Nick. Nick’s mind began to create all kinds of stories about the woman, making up his own answers to the questions he wondered about her. Nick stared at the woman for so long that eventually she felt his eyes on her and glanced up from her book. She looked puzzled for a moment but then sent him a warm smile.

Nervous about being busted, Nick didn’t return the smile, but rather cast his glance down to his lap and didn’t look back up for a good five minutes. Finally, when he figured it was safe, he looked up again and sure enough the woman was once again entertained with whatever piece of literature she’d brought with her.

Sulking just wasn’t the same when you weren’t alone and Nick thought about leaving, but he didn’t really have anywhere else to go. He was safe here in the fact that it was all but empty and the only people he had seen were the white-collar working class type. Not exactly Nick’s demographic, so he’d been lucky to not be recognized yet. He’d hate to ruin that now, especially since his bloodshot eyes gave away the fact that more than just a few tears had been spilled that day.

He wiped at his sore eyes and salt-crusted face and that’s when he realized that the stranger across the way had stopped reading her book. Their eyes met again and she once more greeted him with a smile, but this time there was a look of curiosity behind it. So much for not being recognized. Nick thought dismally. He forced a weak smile back this time, not wanting to appear rude to a fan, but it was hardly that infamous Nick Carter grin. It must have been enough though to make the woman think it was ok to approach him because when he smiled she set her book down, quickly checked on her son, and then slowly walked across the plaza.

Nick grumbled negative thought after negative thought, slowly making himself angry and defensive, until the woman was standing directly in front of him. He waited for the OHMIGOD YOU’RE NICK CARTER and was rudely pulled from his pessimism when the woman spoke. “Are you alright?” she asked softly.

Nick was surprised by the question. He stared blankly at the stranger, just as a deer stares frozen in the beams of an oncoming car. The woman’s maternal instincts took over and she smiled warmly at him. “Just thought I’d ask in case you needed some company,” she explained.

Nick forced a smile and unconvincingly replied, “I’m fine, thank you.”

“Suit yourself,” the woman said with a bit of a smirk.

Nick tried not to let his mouth hang open from the sheer surprise he felt as the woman walked away. She went back to her bench, reopened her book, and that was that. She hadn’t recognized him after all. That was sort of a relief, but kind of sad at the same time. Fan encounters were always a bit of an ego boost and Nick could have used that at the moment. Nick frowned. If he was hoping for an ego boost to cheer him up, then why had he turned her away when she talked to him?

Nick thought about it for a moment. She sounded sincere, she obviously wasn’t some kind of psycho fan and she didn’t appear to be looking for a date. Hell, she was probably just an average stay at home mom with some loving husband off at work for the day. The more he thought about it, the more she appeared to be the most “normal” woman he’d ever seen and he suddenly found himself very curious to talk to her. Finally, he decided that maybe the brief company of a total stranger, that had no idea who he was, might just be what he needed, and he slowly walked over to the bench where she sat. The woman didn’t realize she had company until Nick sat down beside her and he very much startled her when he said, “That must be a good book.”

The woman jumped but quickly regained her composure and held up the cover revealing the Jane Austin masterpiece, Pride and Prejudice. “It’s a classic.” The woman said with the same warm smile she’d offered him before.

“I’m Nick,” Nick said extending his hand.

“Rachel,” the woman replied as she accepted the handshake.

For a moment the two sat on the bench in silence. Nick wasn’t sure what to say. The voices in his head had only told him to go talk to her, they didn’t exactly tell him what to say. Finally he sighed and asked, “So, is it really that obvious?”

Rachel smiled. She didn’t have to say anything because Nick already knew the answer, but she still responded in a playful tone. “I thought I was having a rough day until I saw you,” she teased lightly.

A hint of a smile escaped Nick’s lips. “Have you been out here long?” Rachel asked.

“I don’t know, an hour or two… or three?” Nick said.

Nick tried to play his answer off as if it weren’t a big deal, but there was desperation in his eyes. It’s like he was screaming for help yet the world couldn’t hear it. But, for whatever reason Rachel did hear it and she wanted to help any way she could. Rachel placed her book back in the diaper bag and stood up. “Come on,” she said to Nick gesturing for him to follow her.

Nick looked at her very confused but still rose to his feet without asking questions and followed Rachel as she began pushing the stroller through the plaza. “Where are we going?” he asked.

“We’re just walking. It helps. Trust me.”

They walked in silence through the plaza and down the street. Nick thought it was crazy that he was desperate enough to follow a complete stranger on a walk to nowhere and wondered how he ever let things get this way. He watched his feet as he walked alongside Rachel occasionally glancing her direction. Eventually, his thoughts turned toward this odd woman next to him. She was friendly and sincere and didn’t seem the least bit uncomfortable. She hadn’t even asked him what was wrong. She seemed perfectly content just to be walking. Nick was immediately drawn to her and felt the desire to spill his most intimate thoughts as if he knew she would understand him. As he looked at her again she seamed so peaceful and calm and that’s what he was hoping she might bring to him.

As they walked Nick’s prayer was answered and he could feel himself begin to calm down. He looked at his watch and was surprised when he realized that they had been walking for nearly 20 minutes. He wasn’t sure how the time had passed so quickly, but they had walked in a giant circle and were now standing in front of the same bench they had left nearly half an hour ago. Rachel sat down on the bench and looked up at Nick. “Feel better?” she asked.

Nick was surprised. He really did feel better. This time when he smiled, his eyes didn’t seem so sad and Rachel smiled back. “Glad I could help,” she said, having read his thoughts.

Nick’s curiosity was eating away at him and he could no longer resist so he again sat down next to Rachel. “I don’t understand,” he began to say. “How did you? Why would you…” he stopped suddenly realizing he wasn’t sure exactly what he was asking.

Rachel smiled. “In my experience words only get in the way. Nothing helps me more than just having someone there, knowing I’m not alone. It’s nice to be able to return the favor for once.”

“Thank you,” Nick said, “I really do feel better.”

“Good,” Rachel said and sighed when her son began to stir in his seat. “He’ll be waking up soon.” She said, then looked at Nick and smiled, “Nap time never lasts long enough. I should probably head back home now.”

Nick looked down at the sleeping child that he’d forgotten was even there and suddenly realized just how far this woman’s life was from his. She seemed so wise, but compared to a spoiled, egotistical bachelor such as himself, she probably is. “I’m sorry to have taken up so much of your time,” Nick said realizing that for someone like her, ‘naptime’ was probably very precious.

“Don’t be silly,” Rachel replied. “It’s been my pleasure.”

Rachel stood up and pointed the stroller in the direction of home. “It was nice meeting you Nick,” she said and began to walk away.

“You too,” Nick replied, and he meant it. “Goodbye.”

Chapter 2


Nick stood by the bench frowning as he watched Rachel leave. He wasn’t ready to let her go but she was about to walk out of his life forever. The thought of never seeing her again was too much for him to handle. Get a grip Nick! he thought, but he couldn’t ignore the feeling. She had been a ray of sunlight bursting through the dark thoughts that clouded his brain.

Nick ran to catch up with her and when she looked back she was surprised, but excited, to see him. Nick gulped back the butterflies in his stomach and smiled nervously as he said, “I just realized I haven’t eaten all day and I’m starving. You want to get something to eat?” and then held his breath as he waited anxiously for Rachel’s answer.

Rachel looked him over curiously for a moment and then smiled. “You like Mexican?”

After another short walk, Nick examined the restaurant Rachel had taken him to, trying to decide if the little whole in the wall classified as fast food or a sit down restaurant. Rachel saw him looking around and assured him, “Best burritos in town.”

Nick wasn’t worried about the food not being good. He was actually looking forward to trying it. Usually he was dragged to the most luxurious places in LA. He never got the chance to eat “normal” food. He smiled in response and then removed the dark glasses he’d been wearing.

He’d nearly forgotten that he was famous and was at risk of being recognized. Somehow, at this moment, he felt every bit as normal as the woman sitting across from him. He watched his new friend carefully as she placed her son, who was now awake, in a high chair. “What’s the little guy’s name?” he asked as she helped the child sip from a straw.

Rachel looked up to see Nick smiling. “The smile suits you,” she teased.

“Kids are fun.”

“Yeah they are fun,” Rachel agreed as she tussled the toddler’s hair, “but they’re a lot of work; and his name is Spencer.”

“Hey Spencer,” Nick greeted.

Nick laughed when the little boy held out his hand for a hi-five. Nick shook his head and then showed the little boy a cooler looking secret handshake. When he was finished, Spencer erupted into a fit of laughter causing Nick and Rachel to giggle as well. “He likes you,” Rachel said.

“What’s not to like?”

“Really though, you’re pretty natural with him. Do you have kids of you own?”

“God no,” Nick laughed. “Playing with them and taking care of them are way different. My best friend has one a little older than yours though, so I’m used to being around them.”

Nick looked at the small boy and drifted off into thought. He was blown away at the idea of having a family of his own. His eyes grew wide and he let out a long sigh. “You’ve got to be close to the same age as me,” he said, “I can’t imagine having a kid of my own. I can’t even keep a girlfriend.”

Nick’s smile faded and his mind began to wander. “Ah, so its women troubles we’re having today, is it?” Rachel asked seeing the change.

Nick forced a smile. Normally this would be the part where he would clam up and say everything was fine when it wasn’t, but he found himself wanting to talk about it. Rachel was surprised when he opened up to her. “Sort of,” he confessed, “but a little more complicated than that.”

“How can anything be more complicated than women?”

This comment made Nick laugh. He’d often wondered the same thing, but never thought he’d see the day when a woman admitted to it. He relaxed a bit and all of the sudden just spilled everything that was on his mind. “Things didn’t end well with my last girlfriend,” he explained. “She broke my heart and destroyed my self confidence in the process. Now I'm having trouble in every aspect of my life, not just in dating. My family life has never been great so I have kind of thrown myself into my work and now I am having a hard time there too.”

“That’s got to be rough. That kind of stress can give a person a heart attack.”

“Or panic attacks,” Nick replied.

“Is that what happened today? Is that why you were sitting all by yourself in the cold for hours?”

Nick shrugged as he fiddled nervously with his sunglasses. “My best friend wanted to set me up with a blind date for this thing I’m supposed to be at tonight. I’m the only one going without a date. Anyway, we ended up getting in a big fight and then I started to panic. I didn’t want anyone to see me like that so I just left. I know he was just looking out for me, but ever since he got married and had a kid things have been different between us. He treats me like a kid. They all do. I didn’t need a father or a big brother today, I needed a friend.”

Nick dropped his glasses. His hands were shaking and he was quickly beginning to get very upset again so Rachel reached across the table and took his hands in hers. “Hey,” she said making eye contact with him, “you found one.”

Nick stared into Rachel’s eyes until his breathing slowed again. His eyes were glossy but he didn’t shed any tears. He was truly mystified by her kindness. This woman had gone out of her way to make him feel better and she didn’t even know who he was. After so many years in the entertainment business, Nick didn’t realize that people could be nice without expecting something in return. He wondered why someone would be so nice to a complete stranger and felt sort of bad knowing that, if it were him, he probably wouldn’t be.

Nick looked down at the way Rachel’s hand covered his and he felt an odd tingle in her touch, however the moment was soon interrupted. Rachel let go of Nick’s hands as a waitress placed their food in front of them. Feeling a bit awkward after the connection, Nick looked down at his plate and laughed. “That’s the biggest burrito I’ve ever seen.”

“Its not about the size,” Rachel teased. “It’s all about the taste.”

Nick laughed again and tasted his burrito while Rachel cut up a plate for Spencer, who received the food gladly. Nick immensely enjoyed the sloppy plate of food. He didn’t know why, but for once he wasn’t worried about the calories that were in the cheese that was layered on top. He wasn’t worried about what he might look like if he finished off the entire thing. Rachel had ordered something just as greasy and if she wasn’t worried about it, then neither was he. Nick savored every last bite, and even washed it down with a coke that wasn’t diet. When the waitress brought him a refill on his drink she shyly asked in broken English, “Excuse me, but you that Backstreet Boy?”

Instinctively Nick nodded his head. “My daughter is big fan,” the waitress explained. “She never believe me when I tell her.”

Nick smiled at the waitress and pulled a napkin from the holder on the table. “Do you have a pen?”

Rachel watched curiously as Nick asked her daughter’s name and happily signed an autograph. He complimented the woman on the excellent burrito and made her blush. After thanking him repeatedly, the woman walked back to the kitchen and it wasn’t until she was gone that Nick looked at Rachel in a panic, wondering how he would explain himself. He couldn’t help but feel a little disappointed that the truth had come out. He opened his mouth to explain but no words came out. “So that’s why you seemed familiar,” Rachel said with a gentle smile.

“Sorry,” Nick replied.

“For what?”

Nick suddenly realized he couldn’t answer her. He actually wasn’t sure why he apologized. “I don’t know,” he shrugged, “I guess for not telling you sooner.”

Rachel laughed. “It’s all right. We met like an hour ago. We hadn’t gotten to that conversation yet. I haven’t told you what I do either.”

“That’s right. You haven’t. What exactly is it that you do?” Nick said happy to change the subject for the time being.

“I’m a doctor.”

“A doctor? Wow!”

“Well sort of,” Rachel said. “You have to suffer through residency for a few years before they trust you on your own. I’m kind of like a junior doctor.”

“Still, even a junior doctor is very cool.”

“Yeah, tell that to my boss. Resident is kind of another word for pee-on.”

Nick laughed. He was relieved that Rachel let him get away with not talking about his career. Most people don’t and he’d been dreading having to tell her what he did for a living. Most times when he met someone who didn’t know who he was, they would get all weird when they found out. This was the first time that anyone had been able to treat him like a normal person knowing who he was, aside from other celebrities. In fact, it was still a little hard for him to believe, and he wondered why she hadn’t asked him about it. He sat there for a moment studying Rachel until she glanced at her watch. “So if you walked out after a fight earlier, do you think they have sent out a search party for you by now?” she asked.

Nick looked at his watch, “Oh my gosh, is it really 4:00?”

“Are you late for something?”

“Not yet,” Nick said. “But they probably have unleashed the hounds by now.”

“Well I shouldn’t keep you any longer then,” Rachel said, wiping the hands and face of her little messy eater.

Nick frowned. She hadn’t been keeping him at all. It was actually the other way around and he worried maybe that was her way of politely telling him to get lost. His insecurity grew rapidly as Rachel buckled Spencer back in the stroller. Nick insisted on paying the check, saying it was the least he could do for Rachel’s kindness to him, but when he reached in his pocket for his phone to call a cab, he realized that he had left in such a rush that he forgot to take his phone with him. “I’m sorry,” he said feeling a little stupid, “do you have a cell phone on you? I sort of left without mine.”

“I haven’t got one with me but I live like 2 blocks from here. If you want to walk me home you’re more than welcome to it,” Rachel suggested.

Nick was excited by the invitation. He’d convinced himself that she was blowing him off but she surprised him by inviting him home. “Anything to escape reality for a few more minutes,” he sighed.

Once outside the restaurant, Nick put his sunglasses on but then took them back off. The days had begun to get shorter and even though it was only four, the sun was already starting to get low in the sky. The wind had kicked up a little and it had turned quite cold outside. While Rachel made sure Spencer was properly bundled, Nick noticed that Rachel had no jacket and he promptly took his off and placed it around her shoulders as she tucked an extra blanket around the baby. Rachel took a deep breath, inhaling the sweet smell of Nick’s jacket and then stood up. She was about to protest until she saw that Nick had been wearing about three layers under his jacket. He frowned when smirked at his outfit. “Southern California too cold for you?” she teased.

“Cut me some slack. I didn’t dress myself this morning.”

Rachel laughed. “Wow, you weren’t kidding when you said you get treated like a child.”

“We were shooting a video this morning.”

“I see. Well in that case, thanks for the jacket,” she said, zipping it shut.

Nick stepped behind the stroller offering to push it for her. “Shall we?”

Rachel smiled as Nick began happily pushing the baby. He followed Rachel’s lead pushing the stroller in the direction of Rachel’s house. “Thanks again,” he said.

“It’s no big deal,” Rachel replied.

“No, it is. You really helped me today. That doesn’t happen often.”

“You’re famous,” Rachel laughed, “I’m sure people help you all the time.”

“It’s different when they’re getting paid to do it. You helped me just because you wanted to.” Nick glanced down at the little boy in the stroller avoiding Rachel’s eyes. “That means a lot.”

“Well I’m glad I helped, and if I had any friends, I’d help you find a date for your thing tonight, but I’m kind of new in town, so I don’t really know anyone yet.”

Nick smirked as he thought of all the names in his little black book that would leave their boyfriends for a chance to go out with him. “Believe me, if I wanted a date, I’d have one already, but thanks for the thought.”

“You don’t really need a date, do you?”

“I’m going to the American Music Awards. It’s kind of expected.”

“Why don’t you just take a friend?”

“It’s hard to make a public appearance with a friend.”

“Why?”

“Rumors mostly,” Nick sighed.

“What?” Rachel asked confused.

“If you’re seen with a guy, you’re automatically gay. And if you bring a girl, well, that usually means you’re engaged or she’s pregnant or something like that. It’s awkward.”

“It’s just a rumor. If you’re just friends, what does it matter if people speculate? You know the truth.”

Nick shook his head, “When are a guy and a girl ever just friends?”

“You may have a point,” Rachel said. She thought for a minute and laughed. “Unless it’s two people like us.”

“What do you mean?” Nick asked.

“Well,” Rachel said with a shrug, “We’ve both been burned. Neither of us are looking to do it again any time soon so there isn’t any danger of one of us falling for the other.”

“You’re a single mom?” Nick blurted out and then blushed.

Nick immediately felt for her. He couldn’t imagine having to raise a child on his own. His mind filled with all kinds of sad tales. She was smiling, but there was a bitter undertone in her voice that hinted of a very painful past. Rachel smiled, letting Nick know it was OK, “Yup,” she said with a sigh, “and I can promise you I will not be getting into another relationship any time soon, maybe ever.”

Nick smiled sadly at Rachel. Whatever she’d been through had obviously been rough. His heart reached out for her and he bonded to her. It was like she understood him when everyone else in the world thought he was crazy. They shared a common secret pain. It’s true what they say, that misery loves company, and suddenly Rachel seemed like the perfect solution to his dilemma.

Nick stopped walking as he began to mull the possibility. Rachel took a few more steps before she realized Nick had stopped walking. She turned around to see him staring at her curiously. “Why don’t you come with me tonight?” Nick asked.

Rachel laughed at the idea. “I can’t go to the American Music Awards,” she said and then laughed again.

“But you just said rumors wouldn’t bother you.”

“They wouldn’t,” Rachel said still laughing.

Nick was confused and he most definitely was not laughing. “Then why not?” he asked.

Rachel stopped laughing but there was still a smile on her face. “Are you serious?”

“I’m totally serious.”

Rachel shook her head trying her hardest not to laugh again. “Me? Go to the AMA’s? Walk the red carpet?” Rachel couldn’t hold back her laughter anymore.

“Come on. It could be fun. We’ll get you all glammed up. I’ll introduce you to the rest of the guys.”

Rachel looked at Nick pondering the idea. Nick stared right back challenging her with his eyes. “What am I supposed to do with Spencer?”

“We’ll get a sitter.”

“But I don’t have a thing to wear,” Rachel continued to protest.

“Minor detail,” Nick said. “Please? You said you wanted to help.”

Nick found himself almost perky, which was a feeling he couldn’t remember feeling in a very long time. He was slowly starting to look forward to a night among the stars if he could share it with someone like Rachel and he decided he was absolutely not going to accept no for an answer.

Chapter 3


Nick stood in Rachel’s small apartment looking at the photos of her and her son that hung on the walls. He smiled at how everything was so simple, so normal. It was an older apartment, typical of Los Angeles, but had plenty room enough for Rachel and her son. Despite it being in the heart of Downtown Los Angeles, the apartment was full of small town charm. It had sort of a country feel to it, from the faded wood furniture all the way down to the old crotched blanket thrown over the back of the sofa. It wasn’t exactly his style, in fact it kind of reminded him of his grandma, but Nick loved being in a place that had not been affected by fame and fortune. He had become famous at a very young age, and sometimes had a hard time remembering what it was like to be an average person, and he figured maybe that was why he liked Rachel so much.

After a little more convincing on the walk to her apartment, Rachel agreed to go with Nick to the Awards and he waited anxiously as Rachel called a baby sitter. When she found one, Nick was overcome with relief and even a little bit of excitement. He was relieved because the stress of the evening was now gone, and he was excited to spend an evening with a girl who he didn’t have to worry about impressing. After all, Rachel had already seen him in one of his weakest moments, and, now that he had a date he knew he would be able to just relax and have fun. He was almost looking forward to the evening. Rachel smiled at him as she hung up the phone. “She’s on her way,” she shrugged, “so what now?”

Nick raised his eyebrows. “Melrose,” he grinned when Rachel frowned. “We have to find you an outfit.”

Nick called a cab and the two headed off to an area of Los Angeles that housed row after row of tiny shops run by local independent designers. Rachel followed Nick into one of the trendiest shops ever to exist, and frowned as she looked at a manikin dressed in a sequent covered wife beater and a skirt with holes cut into it. “Shouldn’t we be looking at gowns?” she asked Nick who was already talking to the manager of the shop.

Nick laughed, “It’s the American Music Awards, not the Oscars. You have to look like a rock star.”

Rachel looked skeptically at the manikin again, and before she knew it she had four sales people huddled around her with excited smiles on their faces. It was like a scene out of pretty woman, except for that whole hooker part, only it was the rushed version. Nick watched, totally amused, as Rachel changed into outfit after outfit.

Nick had a blast playing dress up for someone who actually had no idea what she was doing. He’d learned a few things from dating Paris Hilton for so long, but he always hated shopping with her. Paris was like a fashion nazi. There were rules and codes of conduct, and rule number one was that Nick was never allowed to have an opinion. Shopping was always so serious with Paris, but right now, with Rachel, it was just fun. Neither Nick nor Rachel had ever laughed so much for so long.

Finally they found the perfect outfit for Rachel, or so Nick thought anyway. Rachel felt a little silly, almost like she was dressed for a costume party, but it was fun to be doing something different, so she simply thanked all the salespeople who had helped her, as Nick grabbed her hand and pulled her out the door. She could barely keep up in the four-inch heels she was not used to wearing, as Nick pulled her down the street to the first salon he came to. She nearly fell as they walked up the steps and she and Nick burst into the door laughing like a couple of kids. At first, the salon manager frowned, but his snooty face lit up when he recognized Nick. “Mr. Carter,” he said, trying to cover the sound of surprise, “to what do we owe this honor?”

“The lady and I are really late and we have to be ready for the American Music Awards in…” Nick looked at his watch, “45 minutes. You think you can do it?”

The man smiled. “Mr. Carter you have come to the right place.”

As the man rolled up his sleeves, Rachel was shown to a chair, and the salon manager and another stylist stood on either side of her poking at her hair. “Any ideas of what you’d like?”

Rachel shrugged honestly clueless. Aside from throwing her hair up in clips, the most she ever did was blow it dry and give it a little flip. “What do you think?” she asked, glancing to Nick for advice.

Nick couldn’t help but feel a little proud that Rachel was asking for his help and he happily stepped between the two hair stylists. He smiled at Rachel in the mirror and then ran his fingers through her hair pulling it up off her face. “Something fun,” he suggested, “Maybe half up. Kinda messy. Funky. Let’s get a little crazy, but not in a scary Courtney Love kind of way.”

The two men nodded and immediately got to work while Nick was seated in another chair and had his hair done as well. As the salon manager was doing Rachel’s hair, he noticed the condition of her fingernails. With just a snap of his fingers Rachel had a manicure and a pedicure done as well. Once her hair was finished there was a lady waiting to do her makeup, and when they were all finished, Rachel looked in the mirror and found herself staring at a completely different person. She couldn’t believe the transformation.

The entire salon waited for her approval. Rachel turned around to look at Nick and he nodded in awe. He was quite impressed by the quick makeover because, more than just that it was a fun new look, Rachel seemed excited about it. There was a sparkle in her eyes that Nick hadn’t seen before. He could tell that at least a part of her liked it, and even if she never dressed that way again, she was having fun at the moment. Nick was relieved to see it and realized that she was not the only one having fun; he, himself, was having a blast.

The next stop was Nick’s house. The cab dropped them at the gate and Rachel didn’t have time to gawk at the glory of her surroundings because Nick pulled her across the lawn too fast. “We’re gonna be a little late,” he explained as he punched in the security code at his front door. “Sit tight and I’ll be right back. I just gotta change and then we can go.”

Rachel nodded and Nick flew up the stairs to his room thanking the lord that he’d picked out his outfit ahead of time for once. He was supposed to meet the guys in five minutes and he knew that with traffic he would be at least 15 minutes late. Nick knew that Kevin and Brian and possibly AJ would be grumpy when he didn’t show up on time. Normally he wouldn’t care, fifteen minutes was not the end of the world, and Kevin always scheduled things like half an hour early anyway, but, after what happened earlier, emotions were going to be running high, and Nick didn’t want to make matters worse. He was kind of excited for them to meet Rachel and wanted this evening to go well. Rachel was so completely opposite from Paris that he knew they were just going to love her and he hoped that would help to clear the air between them a little.

Twenty minutes later Nick was handing his keys over to the valet at the Beverly Hills Hotel. “The AMA’s are held here?” Rachel asked confused as Nick helped her from his car.

“Na, this is just where we’re meeting the others. We’re supposed to all show up together.”

“The others?”

“My band mates?” Nick stopped and gave Rachel a strange look. “I know you didn’t recognize me, but you have at least heard of the Backstreet Boys, right?”

“I am from planet Earth,” Rachel assured him sarcastically, “I just didn’t realize we’d be going with other people is all. Despite what it may seem like, I’m actually really shy.”

Nick realized for the first time all day how suddenly he’d thrown this calm, normal person into the middle of all his craziness and he felt bad. “I’m sorry,” he said as he quickly became self-conscious. “If this is too much for you I can always call you a cab and go stag, but I really think that you’ll have fun, and I’m sure the guys are gonna love you.”

“No, no. I said I would go. I’m sure it will be fun.”

Nick looked at her skeptically and she smiled. “I’m way too curious to see what kind of rumors I can get caught up in now anyway, I’ve never been in a tabloid before.”

“How about we tell people that you’re my long lost twin sister?” Nick suggested offering Rachel is arm.

Nick and Rachel walked into the hotel lobby arm in arm, laughing hysterically like old chums. You never would have guessed that they had only met a few short hours ago. They were having so much fun that they didn’t notice the others waiting for them. Brian had been nervously pacing the lobby and stopped dead in his tracks at the sight of them. He was angry and relieved, but most of all, he was stunned, as were the rest of the party. They all stood there with confused looks and their mouths hanging open.

Nick and Rachel both stopped laughing when they saw the looks the others were giving them. Nick felt like he was back in grade school about to receive detention and Rachel nervously squeezed her hand around Nick’s arm. Nick leaned his head toward her and whispered, “Looks like I’m grounded,” in an attempt to make her more comfortable, but he became a little nervous when it didn’t work. “They’re just a bit surprised, but don’t worry, they’re going to love you.”

Nick turned his attention to the shocked group and proudly pushed Rachel in front of them. “Everyone, this is my friend Rachel. Rachel, this is everyone. I’m sorry we’re late, I-“

Nick didn’t get the chance to explain any further because he was cut off by AJ. “Where the hell have you been man?”

“You’ve been gone for nearly seven hours! Brian was about to call the police.” Brian’s wife, Leighanne, chimed in. “We’ve all been worried sick.”

Nick frowned, would it have killed them to say hello? Nick was embarrassed at his friends’ rude behavior and his temper flared the instant he felt their disappointment. “Well I’m fine, and we’re late, so can the lectures wait until we’re at least in the car?” he snapped.

Nick headed toward the front door of the hotel. As the doorman held open the door, Nick turned back around. He smiled at Rachel and said, “You coming?”

The stunned looks of Nick’s band mates had not faded. All eyes turned to Rachel. She forced a smile and nervously waved, but they all just stared as she caught up with Nick. “I’m sorry,” Nick said holding out his arm again. “I didn’t mean to lose my temper there. No more pouting, I promise.”

Rachel looked at him skeptically then smiled. “Better not. I didn’t get all hot to spend the evening with a Mr. Grumpy-pants. If I wanted to do that, I could have just stayed home with Spencer.”

Nick laughed and helped Rachel into a waiting limo. “You’re right about one thing, you do look hot,” he replied, and the two were all smiles again.

The other four Backstreet Boys and their respective dates soon joined them in the limo. Kevin’s wife Kristen sat down next to Rachel and smiled as she held out her hand. “Hi. I’m Kristen,” she said as friendly as anyone could be.

Nick could tell Rachel was relieved by the warm reception as she shook Kristen’s hand. For once Nick was glad that the guys all had dates tonight because women were always better at keeping things peaceful. Kristen leaned close to Rachel and whispered, “You have to excuse them. Sometimes they spend a little too much time together.”

Nick wanted to give Kristen a dirty look, but her comment was meant to make Rachel comfortable so he let it go and just shrugged. It was true anyway. Rachel saw the shrug and smirked. “I guess seven hours apart wasn’t quite long enough this time,” she said and the two girls giggled. “Thanks,” she continued, “I haven’t felt that awkward in quite a while.”

Kristen flashed another comforting smile and the chauffeur shut the door. Everybody was in. Once the car started to move Kevin decided to be the brave one and break the silence. He looked at Rachel and said, “Forgive me but I have to ask your name again.”

“I’m Rachel.”

Nick watched Rachel carefully. She was smiling, but that sparkle he’d seen earlier was gone. Now she looked nervous and her smile was a little forced. Nick laced his fingers through hers when he found he was just as unsure of himself as she seemed to be, and glanced at the faces of his friends. Every one of them, though they didn’t have the guts to ask, was wondering who this girl was and where he’d found her. Nick thought about telling them, but then decided that they didn’t deserve to know. It may have been a little immature on his part, but the guys weren’t exactly acting their age at the moment either.

It was Brian’s look that proved to be the most upsetting. He wasn’t even trying to hide the fact that he was staring at Rachel, and the look on his face wasn’t exactly friendly. Nick sent him an icy glare, but he didn’t stop scowling until his wife gently nudged him and whispered something in his ear.

The group managed to fall into a casual conversation and although they were all being polite, there was an obvious tension in the air, and Nick was sure that their kindness was all an act. He was upset that they were all mad at him. He had a right to date, or not date, whoever he wanted. In his eyes, they had no right to be upset with him. If anything it should be the other way around, but the guys were angry, all of them, and Brian was beyond that; he was down right pissed off. His little hurt act was enough to make Nick sick, but most of all, Nick felt awful that Rachel now had to feel the effects of a past argument.

So many bitter feelings were now weighing on Nick’s heart and he was disappointed that the happy, stress-free mood Rachel created for him that day, was all the sudden gone. It was sad that seeing the four men, who were the closest thing to family he had, could make him feel so inadequate. Every time he was with them the feelings got worse and worse, but today Rachel had taken those feelings away. She’d made him feel good about himself for a few hours, and as he stared into faces of anger and disappointment, he clung desperately to Rachel’s hand trying to feel the goodness he already knew was in her heart.

When the limo stopped the Backstreet Boys stepped out one by one greeting the media frenzy instantly. Nick and Rachel were the last ones out of the limo. Before he stepped out of the car, Nick turned to Rachel and said, “You look great and you don’t have to say anything if you don’t want, so just relax and have a good time,” Rachel nodded and took a deep breath. “Oh, and smile your ass off,” Nick laughed as he helped her from the car.

Chapter 4


Rachel and Nick walked slowly up the red carpet, stopping every few steps to pose for the cameras. Nick never let go of Rachel’s hand except when the guys posed together without their dates. Nick was very proud of his escort and would have loved to show her off, but he could see that she was still a little nervous, so he did his best to keep her out of the spotlight. She may have said that rumors wouldn’t bother her, but Nick knew better. No one ever thinks the rumors will bother them until something very hurtful is said, which always happens eventually. If anyone asked, he simply introduced her as his friend Rachel.

Although he was all smiles for the camera, Nick was still very uncomfortable around the other guys. Rachel watched him carefully. After having seen the real Nick, Rachel realized that the Nick the world knew was completely an act. Rachel could tell that Nick, the real Nick, needed her. She could tell by the way he looked at her and in the tenderness of his touch, that Nick Carter was drowning in his world and wanted desperately to jump ship. Rachel knew that feeling better than anyone else on the planet. By moving to LA Rachel had jumped her own ship and was now treading water. She too felt the connection Nick felt, and thought he might just be the lifeboat she’d been waiting for.

Nick caught her staring at him and the look on her face as she studied him stayed with him. He’d never been looked at like that before and he wondered what it meant. Usually women looked at him very dreamily or lustful, but that wasn’t what was going through Rachel’s mind. Her look was very pensive, and seemed almost sad and distant, yet she was smiling very sincerely.

Nick made a mental note to ask her about it. He’d never been one to wonder about thoughts and feelings, but then he’d never met someone whose thoughts and feelings were such a mystery. In Nick Carter’s world women only wanted three things from him, fame, fortune and sex. Rachel didn’t seem to want any of those things. At least it didn’t appear that way yet.

Once inside, all the celebrities seemed a lot more relaxed. Everyone fell into random circles of conversation. Rachel looked around at all the people and thought that the scene reminded her of a high school reunion or some fancy office party. Everyone was being extremely friendly and yet not the least bit sincere, the Backstreet Boys more than anyone. Rachel couldn’t help but feel out of place as she tried her best to avoid their stares. When they were safely out of earshot, Nick smiled nervously at Rachel. “You don’t seem to be enjoying yourself,” he said.

“I don’t think your friends like me too much.”

Nick followed Rachel’s gaze across the room where Brian was watching them like a hawk. “Forget ‘em! This has nothing to do with you. They’re just pissed off at me,” he said angrily, but his tone softened immediately and he sighed. “I’m sorry to have put you in the middle of my mess.”

Rachel matched his sigh with one of her own glad that at least Nick was sincere. “They’re forgot,” she said. “No more pouting. I promise.”

“Good, ‘cause if I wanted to be hanging out with a ‘Mr. Grumpy-pants’ all night, I’d be standing over there,” Nick teased pointing at Brian.

Rachel finally cracked a smile and Nick hugged her lovingly. Across the room the gesture didn’t go unnoticed. Brian was still very angry with his best friend and kept a watchful eye on the new stranger. Leighanne noticed him staring and put her arm around his shoulder. “She seems nice,” she said, but Brian just frowned.

Brian watched Nick kiss Rachel on the cheek and then Rachel walked away from him. Nick was smiling at the girl like he didn’t have a care in the world until he saw Brian. The smile was instantly replaced with a piercing look and then Nick walked off in the opposite direction. “You guys fight all the time,” Leighanne said in a patronizing voice. “This will blow over just like it always does.”

Brian looked back at his wife, the anger of this morning flooded back to him. “Not this time,” he said, shrugging her off of him. “This time it was different,”

Leighanne sighed as she watched her husband storm off.

Rachel had gone to find a quiet corner where she could call and check up on Spencer and she felt a little better knowing that he’d gone to bed without a fuss. She walked around the corner to look for Nick, but stopped dead in her tracks when she heard Brian and AJ talking. They had no idea she was behind them. “Why the hell would he show up with some random girl after throwing such a shit fest this afternoon about having a date?” Brian ranted, “And who the hell is she? Where’d he find her?”

“It’s Nick,” AJ replied. “He probably only brought her to piss you off. He probably picked her up in a damn bar this afternoon. Shit, knowing Nick she’s probably some groupie that asked for his autograph. She’ll be old news by tomorrow.”

“Well I hope she gives him an STD,” Brian grumbled, “It would serve him right the way he goes through random women.”

Rachel couldn’t help the gasp. She covered her mouth with her hand but it was too late. AJ and Brian heard the noise and turned around to see Rachel fighting back the tears that were beginning to sting her eyes. AJ’s face went pale but Brian just stood there speechless. Rachel couldn’t tell if he felt bad or not, but she didn’t stick around long enough to find out. She walked away as quickly as she possibly could without drawing any attention to herself.

Brian and AJ waited for the explosion they knew would come when she went crying to Nick, but none came. Rachel was no stranger to being hurt. Although it was a talent she was not necessarily proud of, Rachel was an expert at burying her feelings and by the time she reached Nick she had completely regained her composure. She’d promised Nick no more pouting tonight, and she certainly wasn’t going to do anything to cause even more contention between the guys, so she thought it best not to tell him.

Though Rachel was though as nails, she wasn’t an actress enough to fool Nick completely. He may not have any clue what happened, but Rachel was suddenly very uncomfortable and he knew it. “Are you ok? Everything all right at home?” he asked.

Rachel nodded. “Spencer’s already asleep, so now I’ll be able to relax and enjoy the show.”

Nick watched Rachel plaster a beautiful smile on her face and thought maybe he was just being paranoid, so he shook his thoughts away and led Rachel to her seat. Throughout the show Rachel glanced at Nick several times. She couldn’t shake the comments AJ and Brian had made about his way with women. She knew Nick was a musician, and was very aware of the reputations they had, but Nick didn’t appear that way and it had her confused.

Nick could feel her eyes on him each time she looked at him and his face lit up when he looked at her. She had that look again. He knew she was thinking about him, but he couldn’t tell what she was thinking and their eyes locked as she studied him. “What is it?” Nick whispered.

Rachel shook her head. “It’s nothing, sorry,” she answered with a smile.

After the awards were over everyone stood in the lobby discussing which after party they were going to attend except for Nick, who was trying to think of an excuse to not attend any parties. Though he liked the idea of taking Rachel out because being a single mom she probably didn’t get the opportunity very often, he was much more interested in finding out what Rachel had been thinking all night. There was something about her that was driving him crazy. He wasn’t really attracted to her sexually, and yet there was a connection there. When she smiled at him it warmed his heart without warming other things. That was a first for Nick.

Nick was dying to find out more about this woman and he knew that was not likely to happen if they went to a party. In fact, Nick was afraid that if he went with her to a party, they would have too much to drink, he would do something stupid, the way he always does, and then he would ruin whatever it was he had with her. No, an after party was definitely a bad idea. Nick never got the chance to think of an excuse though, because Leighanne saw Rachel standing quietly at Nick’s side, staring at the floor, and in an attempt to make up for her husband’s chilly disposition, asked, “What about you, Rachel? Any preferences?”

Rachel looked up startled. All eyes were on her. Nick thought it was very strange that she glanced quickly at AJ and Brian before responding to Leighanne. “Actually, I think I’ll pass,” she said hesitantly, “I’ve got a 24 hour work day ahead of me and I really should get some sleep.”

The tone in Rachel’s voice concerned Nick, and he watched Rachel, AJ, and Brian as Kristen carried on the conversation. “A 24 hour work day?” she asked curiously.

Rachel shrugged. “I’m a resident at Cedar’s Hospital. I got stuck with a double tomorrow.”

The entire group tried to hold back their shock. “A doctor?” Kevin said impressed.

Nick heard the surprise in Kevin’s voice and stood a little taller when Kevin smiled approvingly. Maybe things wouldn’t be so bad after all. Maybe the guys were starting to see that Rachel was different. Nick squeezed his grip on Rachel’s hand and grinned proudly as Rachel laughed. “We’ll see,” she replied. “I only graduated med school this spring and just started my residency last month.”

“Wow, congratulations!” Kristen said.

“What are you doing with a bum like Nick?” Howie teased receiving an elbow in the side from his girlfriend.

“Just helping out a friend who needed a date for the evening,” Rachel offered sweetly.

Rachel then glanced again at Brian and AJ, and in a voice equally as sweet added, “But don’t worry, I’ll be old news by tomorrow.”

Everyone felt the obvious rise in tension. “Another time then,” Leighanne said cautiously as she noticed the look Rachel gave her husband.

“You sure?” Nick whispered knowing that there was something wrong.

Rachel nodded. “It’s ok, Spence will be up early. I really should get home,” she whispered in a low voice.

Nick’s manner turned defensive again. It was clear to him that something had happened between Rachel and Brian and AJ. They’d obviously hurt her feelings somehow. “Well I should get you home then,” he said no longer whispering.

“No,” Rachel replied. “You should stay. Go have fun with your friends.”

Again everyone in the group was watching them and Nick laughed harshly, “Are you kidding? After I practically forced you to come tonight? The least I can do is make sure you get home safe.” Rachel smiled gratefully. “Besides,” he added coldly, “I’ve had a long day and I’m not really in the mood for a party.”

Rachel turned to the group forcing one last smile. “It was nice meeting all of you.”

Everyone waved goodbye and Rachel and Nick walked out the door. Neither Nick nor Rachel was ever happier to leave a place in their lives. Once they were sitting in a cab, headed in the direction of Rachel’s apartment, Nick broke the silence by saying, “You don’t really have a 24 hour work day tomorrow, do you?”

“I do have a double shift tomorrow, it just doesn’t start until 7 pm.” Rachel admitted, “But Spencer will be up early, so I should still be getting home.”

“What happened tonight Rachel? I know there’s something you’re not telling me.”

“It doesn’t matter, Nick.”

Nick sighed. She obviously wasn’t going to tell him what happened. “I’m really sorry about tonight. I didn’t think things were going to be so bad.”

Rachel shrugged a smile. “Honestly,” Nick continued. “If I’d have known the guys were gonna be so pissed still, I never would have suggested you come.”

“It’s ok Nick. I didn’t go to see them. I went for you, and you were quite the gentleman all night.”

“Well I’m still sorry, the guys were kind of assholes tonight.”

“Thanks.”

“If it makes you feel any better you were totally my lifesaver tonight.”

“I’m glad some good came out of the day then,” Rachel giggled.

“A lot of good came out of today,” Nick said a little surprised by her comment. “I met you,” he whispered softly.

Rachel tried to hide the nervous look on her face. Nick noticed her discomfort and realized she mistook his meaning. “I didn’t mean it like that,” he said. “It’s just that I don’t have very many friends, not real ones, but I’d like to think I’ve made one today.”

Rachel’s nerves disappeared and she remembered how sincere Nick had been all afternoon. She knew Nick wasn’t just looking to get laid, but she sat in silence just a bit too long and Nick became nervous. “So how about it? Can we be friends?”

Rachel thought for a moment and then hesitantly said, “One condition.”

“What’s that?”

“I want to be friends with the guy I met this afternoon. Not Nick Carter the Backstreet Boy.”

Nick wasn’t entirely sure what she meant but he nodded anyway. “No more nights like tonight,” Rachel clarified. “This was a one time deal. I don’t want to get all caught up in the fame and fortune thing. I like to keep things low key.”

Nick happily agreed thinking that was just the kind of friendship he needed. The two new friends sat in silence for a minute both surprised that it didn’t feel at all awkward, and when the cab reached Rachel’s apartment, Nick told the driver that he was going to walk the lady to her door, but that he’d be right back. Rachel, again, felt relieved knowing that Nick was not expecting to stay, and Nick couldn’t believe that he actually had no desire to. “Thank you, Rachel, for coming with me tonight,” he said as she unlocked her door. “And I’m serious about us being friends.”

Rachel laughed but Nick persisted. “Why don’t you call me after your 24 hour work day and we’ll hang out. I’ll teach Spencer to play basketball or something.”

“Hang on a sec,” Rachel said disappearing into her house. She appeared moments later with a pen. “Tell you what,” she said. She grabbed Nick’s hand and scribbled her phone number on his palm. “Since you are the rich, famous, popular one, why don’t you go home, get some sleep, work things out with your friends, and then, if you still want to be my friend, you can call me.”

Nick smiled. “Just like a woman,” he teased. “Let the man make all the effort.”

Rachel smiled proudly. “I’m as typical female as they get. I hate spiders. I spend way too much time in front of the mirror, I cry in sappy romance movies, and I have lots of emotional baggage.”

“I must be a typical female too,” Nick said forcing laughter from Rachel. “Well almost. I don’t really cry at stupid chick movies.”

Nick threw his arms around Rachel, surprising her with a big hug. “I’ll consider myself warned,” he said letting go of her, “and I’ll call you on Thursday.”

“Good night, Nick,” Rachel said with a sweet smile.

“Good night, Rachel.”

Nick went to the waiting cab feeling better than he had in a long, long time. He didn’t really get the chance to talk to her much, but he didn’t mind waiting. He didn’t want to ruin a good thing, and he was sure Rachel was a good thing. She’d been his life savor tonight. Nick smiled at the barely legible numbers written on his palm and suddenly thought that Thursday would never come fast enough.

Chapter 5


It was nearly eleven when Nick got home that night, which for him was early. He didn’t really care to be alone, but everyone he knew would, no doubt, be out at some party somewhere, so he sacked out on the couch and flipped the TV on. He let the image lie on some b-flick monster movie but couldn’t really pay attention. All he could think about was how today had been one of the strangest of his life. It started out as one of the worst, and then suddenly was one of the best, and yet now he was lying on his couch, completely alone and wallowing in depression.

Nick’s relationship with his best friend was holding together by a single thread and yet he wasn’t that upset about it, somehow Rachel made up for it. Nick barely knew her, but the idea of getting to know her better, of having someone else in his life that he could be himself around, was extremely relieving. When he thought of Rachel, he smiled and there weren’t many people left in Nick’s life that had that affect on him. He had only a handful of real friends but over the past few months he’d distanced himself from them. And the guys, well things were just weird there.

Nick began flipping channels again and stopped when he came across coverage of that night’s star-studded event. The channel was recapping the night’s winners and showed a clip of the Backstreet Boys presenting one of the awards. “We should leave the music biz and all become actors,” he grumbled as stared at the smiling faces on the screen.

From all outward appearances they looked happy, but in reality they were more upset with each other than they’d ever been. Or, the others were more upset with Nick, that is. Nick had now spent nearly half his life with the Backstreet Boys and his band mates were more than just coworkers to him. They were his friends, his family. They were the four people in his life that he trusted wholeheartedly and truly loved. They were, in a sense, his brothers, and, sometimes, Nick felt they were all he had. As angry as he was with them, deep down Nick knew how much they meant to him and that’s why it hurt so badly.

Nick’s attention perked up when he saw footage from the red carpet. He watched himself smile for the camera and laughed at the way he seemed to be proudly dragging Rachel with him. It was obvious that Rachel didn’t quite belong in that world, but that only made her look special. The clip was short and the camera quickly moved on to Beyonce, who had arrived right after the Backstreet Boys that night, but Nick hit the rewind on his ti-vo and watched the clip of him and Rachel again. He couldn’t take his eyes from her and after watching her walk the red carpet three more times, he was once again in a very good mood.

The way Rachel made him feel was extraordinary. It was a lot like the way Brian used to make him feel when they first met. At the time, Brian seemed like such a “normal” kid. He was a bit older, but he’d grown up doing things like camping, and playing little league, and going to school. It was things like that that Nick desired, and when he was around Brian it was the closest thing he had to being a normal kid himself. For a while Nick clung to Brian desperately, and they became closer than two people ever could. They truly were Frick and Frack. Seeing what they had become now was painful, and the good mood that Rachel created was gone as quickly as it had come.

Nick turned off the TV and headed upstairs to his room, stopping at the liquor cabinet on the way. He used to feel guilty every time he picked up a drink. He’d seen what the stuff had done to AJ, but after Paris broke his heart it seemed as if alcohol was the only thing that could take away the pain. Nick was a fool to think that it had cured him, and he knew that all it did was numb him temporarily, but now he didn’t care. The feeling of being numb on the inside was better than the feelings that were normally in his heart, so he drank. He cranked up the Metallica, climbed in his bed, and drank until he passed out.

Nick had fallen asleep with the radio blaring, and set to repeat, so he never heard the alarm in the morning, nor did he hear the many phone calls. In fact, he didn’t wake up until the music was turned off. When the room went quiet he opened his eyes to find Kevin standing over him. “You still alive?”

“No,” Nick groaned when he realized just how hung over he was.

“I thought you weren’t in the mood for a party last night,” Kevin chuckled.

“No offense Kevin, but what the fuck are you doing in my house waking me up so early in the morning?”

“It’s two thirty in the afternoon,” Kevin argued.

Nick glanced at his alarm clock and tried to remember just how much he had to drink last night. “I came to give you this back,” Kevin handed Nick the cell phone he’d left at the video shoot the day before. “I also came to bring you to the barbeque.”

Nick groaned again and threw the covers over his head, but Kevin pulled them back again. “You have to come, it’s Howie’s house warming party.”

Nick rolled his eyes. “I’ll come to the next one. The guy buys a new house like every other month.”

“The guys all think you’re mad at them. It might do you some good to play nice for a while,” Kevin said more bluntly. He wasn’t surprised when Nick glared at him. “Brian especially.”

“I am mad!” Nick yelled. “You all bitched so much about me bringing a damn date last night, and then when I did you were complete assholes to her.”

“You’ve got to admit, Nick, you said some pretty hurtful things to Brian yesterday. He had a right to be angry.”

“If he wants to be pissed at me, fine, what else is new? But Rachel didn’t do a damn thing. She’s a good person and she didn’t deserve the cold shoulder.”

Nick released a heavy sigh and he lowered his voice. Kevin smiled at the way Nick calmed down when he brought up Rachel. He could tell that this girl meant something more to Nick than most of the women he was usually with, and it peaked his curiosity. “I was going to ask you about her,” he teased. “Not your usual posse.”

“I told her you guys were going to love her,” Nick smirked bitterly. “I actually thought Brian might be proud of me for once. Looks like idiot Nick was wrong again.”

Nick pulled the covers over his head once again and Kevin frowned, catching a glimpse of what was really going on. Nick’s anger was a lot deeper than he’d realized. “Brian is always proud of you,” he said sitting on the bed.

He sighed when he heard a muffled, “Bullshit,” from under the covers.

“He loves you.”

“He’s got a really fucked up way of showing it.”

“Self pity’s not going to help, Nick.”

Nick pulled his head from underneath the covers so that Kevin would see the dirty look he was giving him, but Kevin’s somewhat short temper was reaching the end of it’s rope. “It’s hard watching you make the same mistakes over and over. You’re self-destructing, and you’re alienating yourself from everyone. You’ve got to make an effort before everyone else stops, so get your ass out of bed and come to Howie’s with me.”

Nick gave in to Kevin’s demands for two reasons. One, he knew Kevin would never leave without him, and two, deep down he knew Kevin was right. Nick’s relationship with the guys was not what it used to be and he had no one to blame but himself. He’d pushed them away.

Over the years they’d all done a lot of growing up. Nick was the youngest though, and the last to try his hand at maturity. The older the guys got, the more they grew up, and the more they tried to bring Nick with them, but Nick didn’t want to follow. He’d been forced to be an adult at a very young age when he was thrown into show business, and even before that, he was the oldest of five siblings, and forced to pick up the slack of his screwed up parents. He’d never had the opportunity to be a kid and even though his band mates were ready to step into adult hood, Nick wasn’t. The more they tried to help him, the more he resented them, and the worse things got. Not just in their relationship, but in every aspect of Nick’s life.

As much as Nick was pissed off at the guys, he didn’t want to lose them so, although he gave Kevin a look that said he wasn’t happy about it, Nick heaved himself from bed, threw on some clothes, and a dark pair of sunglasses, and went with Kevin to Howie’s house. “Try to cheer up, huh?” Kevin warned as they let themselves into the house.

“Look who finally decided to grace us with his presence,” Howie said only half joking when Kevin and Nick made their way into the backyard.

“Cut the shit Howie. I’m here, ain’t I?”

“Only because we made Kevin go get you,” Brian grumbled from across the patio.

Nick sent him a piercing glare and then gave Kevin a look screaming I told you so. “Well I’m here, so quit your bitchin’ and let’s eat. I’m fucking starved.”

“Somebody’s grumpy,” AJ teased. “What’s the matter couldn’t get laid last night? I thought you were gonna go home and play a little doctor.”

“Fuck off AJ!”

“Sorry, man,” AJ said backing off. He was surprised at the harsh reaction. He and Nick razzed each other about sex on almost a daily basis.

Kevin shot AJ a friendly warning look and then Howie stepped in trying to lighten the mood a bit. “So how’d you meet this girl anyway?”

Nick sighed. Part of him wanted to tell them all about Rachel and how wonderful she was, but he was afraid that because he was one telling them about her, they weren’t going to like her no matter what, so he decided to be selfish and keep her all to himself. “This is a nice pad you got here, Howie. You planning to keep this one?”

Howie smirked but then shrugged. “Depends on the market I guess.”

Everyone was curious about what was going on with Nick and why he wouldn’t tell them about this girl, but they were tired of the bickering and decided to let sleeping dogs lie. They managed to get trough the rest of the day without arguing, and even though things went unspoken between Nick and Brian, Nick left Howie’s feeling a little bit better.

The following day the Backstreet Boys had a meeting with their manager. Nick was known to be late but he really didn’t want another fight so he made an extra attempt to be early. He smiled to himself when he was the first one sitting around the large conference table but the smile disappeared when Brian walked in the room. Things got awkward real fast and Nick cast his eyes down to his lap. Brian slowly took the seat next to Nick and after thinking for a minute, broke the silence. “I talked to Kevin last night.”

“Good for you,” Nick spat.

“I’m trying to apologize here. I guess I’ve been a little hard on you lately.”

“Yeah, I’m sorry too,” Nick sighed. “I said some pretty shitty stuff the other day.”

“I didn’t mean to upset you, I’m just worried about you, Nick. You haven’t been quite the same since you broke up with Paris. I don’t want to see you get hurt again is all.”

“Trust me Brian, I’ve learned my lesson.”

“Have you?”

Nick’s temper flared inside but he was tired of fighting. He bit back his anger and said as calmly as he could, “I know I’ve made some mistakes but believe me, I’m done with that.”

“Then who’s this girl?”

“Rachel’s different, and she has nothing to do with this. Besides, we’re just friends.”

“If she’s so different then why won’t you tell us anything about her? What are you hiding? Did you meet her in a strip club or something? Is that why you’re ashamed of her?”

“Rachel’s not a stripper! She just doesn’t want to be a part of this life style, you arrogant prick.” Brian was stunned silent as he watched Nick shake his head in disgust. “It’s not Rachel I’m ashamed of. I haven’t told you anything about her because I want to protect her from you.”

“What did I do?”

“I know what you think of me. You’re not going to like any girl I introduce you to because you don’t trust me. Rachel deserves better than that.”

“Of course I trust you.”

“Bullshit! If you trusted me we wouldn’t be having this conversation.”

Brian was so shocked and hurt that his temper got as hot as Nick’s. “It’s not that I don’t trust you, it’s just that I know you too well. And now you’re doing it again with this girl. It’s the same thing every time.”

“I am not. I told you it’s different with Rachel.”

“That’s what you say about all of them,” Brian said in more of a desperate tone than an angry one. “I’m just trying to help. We met this girl one time and she’s already pulling you away from us, just like Paris did.”

“That was different,” Nick said coldly.

“How?”

“Because when I was with Paris, she was the one pulling me away. This time I’m the one pulling. I tried to introduce you to Rachel. I gave you the chance to get to know her, but your head was too far up your ass.”

Brian sat back in his chair with no reply. It was true; he’d been really rude the other night and he knew it. Not only had Rachel heard him talking about her, but also Leighanne gave him quite the lecture once they’d gone home that night.

Nick saw the guilt in Brian’s eyes, but of course he couldn’t admit that he was wrong, so Nick glared at him and then moved to a seat at the opposite end of the conference table and waited in silence for the other’s to arrive. He looked at his watch and wondered what Rachel was doing right now and began counting the hours until she would be done working. He spent his last couple of free minutes trying to decided how long he had to wait, once she got home, before he could call her.

***

Just a few blocks down the street, and now 16 hours into her shift, Rachel’s head was starting to pound. She was a very hard worker, but coming to one of the biggest hospitals in Los Angeles from the community medical center in Smithville, Kansas, where she was from, was proving to be the most challenging task she’d ever come up against. She found the big city life very exhausting. “That’s the last time I agree to pull a double,” she said plopping down in a chair behind the nurse’s station.

Over the last six weeks closest thing she had to a friend was Crystal, one of the nurses on staff. The two had a lot in common. They were both single mothers working hard to make ends meet. “It gets easier,” Crystal said sympathetically.

“I need a drink,” Rachel joked while pulling her shoe off to rub her aching foot.

“You need a man,” Crystal teased.

“I have a man,” Rachel replied. “He’s just two and a half feet tall and calls me mom.”

As Crystal and Rachel had a good laugh, a deliveryman set an absurdly large arrangement of really expensive flowers on the desk in front of them. “Wow!” Crystal said. “Somebody in here is really loved.”

“Is there a doctor on staff here by the name of Rachel?” the deliveryman asked.

Crystal smiled curiously at Rachel who just stared at the man stunned. “Um, yeah, my name is Rachel,” she stammered.

The man smiled. “Good. Can you sign here please?”

“There must be some mistake. These can’t be for me.”

“Are you the Rachel who was at the American Music Awards the other night?”

Crystal’s playful grin turned into a look of shock. “Yeah, that was me,” Rachel said as a smile began to spread across her face.

“Then there’s no mistake. These are for you.”

Rachel tried not to blush as she signed for the flowers. Once the deliveryman was gone Crystal stood there with her hands on her hips demanding an explanation. Rachel opened her mouth to explain but before she could her beeper went off. Duty called and she took off running down the hall.

***

Right as Rachel found herself in the midst of a chaotic accident, Nick began wishing he were in one. Today’s meeting was about the upcoming tour for the album that was just released and Nick figured a bad enough accident would give him an excuse to get out of it. Its not that he didn’t like touring, but tours were so stressful and he really didn’t like traveling. Not to mention that the thought of having to be cooped up for months with the other guys seemed like cruel and unusual punishment at the moment. “Nick!” Nick shook himself from his thoughts when he heard his name being called, “Nick!”

Nick looked up to see everyone frowning at him. “Sorry,” he muttered. “I was just…”

“Distracted?” his manager Johnny offered.

“Yeah. Sorry.”

Johnny sighed. “What’s with you lately, Nick? You were distracted through the entire video shoot this week too. Need I remind you that you guys haven’t put out an album in five years? You aren’t exactly the phenomenon you were then. If you want this comeback to be successful you can’t be distracted all the time. This tour is vital.”

“Sorry,” Nick said again.

Nick slumped back in his chair thinking that Johnny’s lecture was a bit uncalled for. He’d worked his ass off on that video despite the soreness of the subject, but the truth was, Nick worked hard because it was his job and he didn’t want to let the others down, but his heart hadn’t been in it. If he seemed distracted at all, that was why.

Nick couldn’t remember the last time he’d really put his heart and soul into his music the way he used to. He didn’t really see the point. He put everything he had into his solo album and it was a flop. The critics practically laughed him off stage. It was a devastating blow, and it shattered his confidence. Since then, Nick’s love for music had slowly fizzled out and now it was just work.

Nick suffered through the rest of his meeting and as soon as it was finished he bolted before anyone could say anything to him. He frowned because his meeting was now finished and he had nothing to do, but Rachel didn’t get off work for another hour and he was dying to talk to her again. They’d had the most amazing time together and then he had to wait for over two days to even talk to her again.

Normally Nick was not the type to be clingy, but Rachel had been so uplifting, and after the last two days Nick desperately needed a pick me up. He couldn’t bring himself to go home so he began aimlessly driving the streets of LA and eventually he wound up at the ocean. It was dark and cold, but the sound of waves crashing on the shore was one of the most soothing sounds on the planet, so Nick sat on the deserted beach and let his mind wander.

Chapter 6

Rachel fought hard for several hours, but in the end was unable to do anything for the 41-year-old car accident victim. The hardest part of her job was not losing one of her patients, but having to inform the family of the tragic news. When she told the woman that her husband was gone, she looked down at the confused faces of their two small children and a piece of her heart broke along with theirs. She hugged the distraught woman and showed her down the hall to meet with a grievance counselor who would help the woman with all the paperwork that went along with death.

Rachel always took the accident victims a lot harder than the illness deaths. It was such a rude shock to have to lose someone so unexpectedly. The kind of event a person will never fully recover from. At the end of her shift, Rachel was beat both emotionally and physically and was almost out the door when she saw the enormous bouquet of flowers sitting at the nurse’s station. The flowers brought a much-needed smile to her face. Nick Carter, Rachel thought to herself as she headed back to the nurse’s station to collect her flowers, I know I said I wanted to keep things low key, but I could get used to this.

Rachel took a deep breath, inhaling the intoxicating scent of the exotic arrangement. She found a card and grinned as she opened it, but the smile faded when she read the message.

I’m so sorry about the other night. We were all angry and it had nothing to do with you. I was an ass. Please accept my apology. Yours Truly, Alex McLean

Rachel was glad for the apology but was disappointed that the flowers were from AJ and not Nick. She hadn’t talked to Nick since the other night and although he said he wasn’t going to call her until Thursday, she really hoped he would. The truth is, Rachel was lonely and she needed a friend just as much as Nick did. She couldn’t help the insecurity she felt and was afraid that he was not going to call her. Rachel threw her head down on the counter. “Why don’t we go get you that drink?” she heard Crystal say behind her.

Rachel picked herself up and smiled a tired smile.

Rachel put her flowers in the back seat of her car and then headed across the street to blow off some steam with her friend. “To the end of a long day,” she toasted before taking a huge swig of beer.

Crystal agreed whole heartedly to the toast and after knocking back quite a bit of her own beer said, “So how drunk do I have to get you before you tell me about those flowers?”

Rachel sighed and took another sip of her drink. “They’re nothing,” she said.

“Honey, when a guy sends you flowers like that, it’s not nothing! So, who is he?”

Rachel reached into her pocket and pulled out the card that came with the flowers. She slid it across the bar. “That’s quite an apology,” Crystal said after reading it.

“He was quite an ass,” Rachel muttered.

The women sat in silence for a minute letting their drinks settle their nerves. “You never told me you went on a date,” Crystal said breaking the silence. “Who is this guy?”

“He’s a Backstreet Boy,” Rachel said with a heavy sigh.

Crystal’s eyes grew wide as she read the name on the card again. “Alex McLean!” she said trying not to yell. “As in AJ?!”

“You’re a fan?”

“Girl you have no idea! I love the Backstreet Boys! How on Earth did you end up on a date with AJ McLean?!”

“Actually I went out with Nick, to the American Music Awards, but it wasn’t a date. AJ was just there, and he’s right, he was an ass, but Brian was way worse.”

“Isn’t he supposed to be the nice one?” Crystal asked.

Rachel threw her hands in the air. She quickly told Crystal the whole story while she finished her drink. “Girl I don’t care if you’re just friends or not. You have got to get up on that if you get the chance,” Crystal said when she was finished.

Rachel tried not to laugh and gave Crystal a strange look. “Nick Carter is one fine piece of ass and you know it!” Crystal teased.

Rachel and Crystal finished off their drinks with a nice laugh and then went their separate ways. By the time Rachel picked up her son and got him home she had only enough time to feed him and give him a bath before it was his bedtime. She tucked him in and kissed him good night, then took a nice long hot shower. Once the water in the shower turned cold, she forced herself out. Too exhausted to do anything else, but not ready to sleep, she threw on her bathrobe, wrapped a towel around her head, and lied down on the couch.

***

Nick sat on the cold beach for so long that his nose was running. When he finally began the drive home it was nearly 9 pm. He thought for sure two hours was enough time for Rachel to be home and settled. He was anxious to talk to her but couldn’t help feeling a little insecure. She hadn’t acted like other girls when he first met her. Normally women were too forward with Nick, and starving for his attention, but if he hadn’t asked her to go to lunch with him, she would have walked right out of his life. He also practically had to force her to go to the AMA’s with him, and then she said he had to call her. While she’d been very attentive and sweet, Nick couldn’t help but be nervous as he dialed her number. Rachel had only dosed off on the couch for a minute or two when her phone rang. “Hello?” she answered heavily.

“It’s Thursday,” said the voice on the other end of the line.

Rachel smiled ear to ear when she heard Nick’s voice. “So you actually meant it when you said you were going to call.”

Nick let go a big sigh of relief when he heard the excitement in Rachel’s voice. She sounded happy to hear from him and Nick had a tiny boost in his confidence. “Whatcha doin?” he asked.

“I’ve only been home for like an hour. I took a shower and now I’m laying on my couch, and I’m pretty sure I am not going to leave it until morning.”

“Long day?” Nick asked casually.

“The worst,” Rachel replied.

Nick listened to Rachel ramble for a minute and then cut her off. “I’m so bored,” he said impatiently, “and you’re not doing anything, so I’m coming over.”

“You’re just inviting yourself huh?” Rachel laughed.

“Isn’t that what friends do? They just come over and hang out when they’re bored?”

“I guess,” Rachel replied.

“Good! Because I’m in your area.”

“You are?”

“Yup, so I’ll see you soon,” Nick replied cheerfully then hung up before Rachel could protest.

Rachel was surprised at how happy she was that Nick was coming over. She’d had a long day and was excited for the company. She looked down at the bathrobe she was wrapped in and thought it might be wise if she put some clothes on, so she pulled herself off the couch, but she barely had time to stand up before Nick was knocking at her door. “In my area?” she laughed as she let him in.

“So I was downstairs, sue me,” Nick looked over at the couch and smiled, “I thought you weren’t going to move from the couch.”

“I figured I should put some clothes on,” Rachel laughed, “We’re not that good of friends yet.”

Nick laughed and then made himself comfortable on the couch while Rachel changed. She put on some pajama pants and a tank top and clipped her bangs out of her face. When she returned Nick looked her over curiously. “So that’s what girls look like without make-up on,” he teased.

“You invite yourself over, this is what you get,” Rachel said sitting down.

“I like it,” Nick said. “It’s real.”

Things got quiet and Rachel watched Nick as he curiously examined her apartment. He noticed the flowers on the table and was about to ask about them but Rachel stopped him before he could ask, not wanting to explain why she’d received flowers from AJ. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but what are you doing here?” she asked bluntly.

Nick’s attention was drawn from the flowers. “Hanging out,” he replied nervously.

Rachel heard the hesitation in his voice and knew there was more to it than that. “You want to tell me the REAL reason you’re here?”

Nick shrugged. “I had a bad day and needed to see a friendly face. Pathetic as it is, I think you’re the only friendly face I know right now.”

Rachel smiled warmly when Nick looked at her, surprised that had just come out of his mouth. “How do you do that?” he asked.

“Do what?”

“Well I’m usually just not that…” Nick searched for the right word.

“Honest about your feelings?”

“I was going to say open,” Nick shrugged. “I’m usually the strong silent type.”

“I didn’t do anything,” Rachel laughed. “Maybe you just really need to talk.”

“I knew I was gonna look needy,” Nick said with a frown.

Rachel laughed. “No more so than the first time we met,” she teased.

Nick cringed remembering their first encounter. “I swear I’m not always like this,” he protested.

“Relax Nick,” Rachel said placing a reassuring hand on his knee. “I liked ya then, and I like ya now.”

Nick looked at her hand surprised by the gesture. He really was a little needy. He needed someone to care about him, truly care about him. When Rachel touched him he began to crave her. Not in a sexual way though. Somehow she made him feel safe. When she touched him it was like he knew things were going to be ok. After the day he’d had, he just wanted to be able to crawl into her comforting arms and let her hold him. Of coarse he didn’t want to scare her, so he suppressed those feelings, and instead, swallowed the lump in his throat and looked at his feet.

Rachel caught a glimpse of the man she’d seen in the plaza. Her motherly instincts took over and she wrapped her arms around Nick just as if she’d read his thoughts. Nick melted into her embrace, just breaths away from bursting into tears. Rachel was surprised that Nick was a lot more upset than he’d seemed. She couldn’t help but smile at the similarity between them. “You hide it well,” she thought out loud.

“Huh?” Nick asked pulling himself out of her arms even though he never wanted to leave them.

“I thought I was the only one who could hide my emotions, but you almost had me fooled. You want to tell me about it?”

Nick wanted to say no. He wanted to be strong, but he couldn’t lie to Rachel. She already knew something wasn’t right, there was no use denying it. “I want out,” he whispered in a broken voice.

“Out?” Rachel questioned with a puzzled look.

“I don’t want to be a Backstreet Boy anymore.”

Rachel tired to hide her look of surprise but couldn’t. She was shocked. Nick released a long sigh, feeling like a weight lifted from his chest. He didn’t have to look at Rachel to know what she was thinking. “I’ve never actually said that out loud before,” he admitted shyly. “It feels so real now.”

“Wow!” Rachel muttered and then kicked herself for not having anything better to say.

Nick didn’t think twice about it though. That was a lot to lay on somebody all at once like that. “I’ve been trying to tell myself that I am being unreasonable, and that I love my life, but I don’t. I hate being a Backstreet Boy.”

Nick stopped talking when he became choked up. He’d never felt more exposed in all his life. He wondered what Rachel was thinking, or rather, he was scared of it. Ever since he’d joined the Backstreet Boys people only wanted to be his friend because of who he was. He was scared that if Rachel knew he didn’t want to be in the group anymore, she wouldn’t want to be his friend. His eyes welled up with tears as he waited for Rachel to talk him out of it, and he couldn’t believe it when she smiled. She wiped away his tears and pulled him in for another tight hug. “It’s no wonder you had such a bad day,” she whispered, “I can’t imagine what kind of pressure that must be.”

Nick sat back shocked. “You’re not mad?”

“Why would I be mad?” Rachel asked completely confused. “I wouldn’t want to be a Backstreet Boy either.”

Nick practically squeezed the life out of Rachel, hugging her as tightly as he could. Knowing that there was at least one person who understood, and even supported him, made Nick start to see light at the end of the tunnel, and he could feel the life returning to him that very moment.

Nick wiped his tears and stared helplessly at Rachel, having no idea what to say or do. He couldn’t believe he’d opened up to a total stranger that way, but somehow he felt like he’d know Rachel forever. He’d never dared talk to anyone about the things he was really feeling.

Not even Brian, his best friend, knew what was really going on inside Nick’s head. That was actually a lot of the trouble the two seemed to be having lately. Brian was the one thing that always kept Nick sane during the craziness of their career. They both knew that since Brian started a family of his own things were not the same, but they still loved each other. Now, Nick was not so sure. All they ever did anymore was fight.

As Brian pursued a solo career as a Christian artist he began to get a little more self-righteous every day. It seemed to Nick that instead of the friend he once had been, Brian looked at him now as more of a project, like it was his calling in life to bring Nick to Jesus. Nick believed there was a God as well as the next man, but the whole ‘holier than now’ lifestyle just wasn’t him.

Rachel sat there, mesmerized, as she watched Nick swim through his thoughts. He was so lost that he didn’t even know how to ask for help. “Are you sure that’s what you really want?” she finally asked in a whisper.

“Honestly?” Nick replied, and Rachel gave him a warm smile. “I don’t know. I mean being a Backstreet Boy has its advantages, and it’s been an amazing ride.” Nick sat in silence for a moment then the frustration resurfaced. “But I need to live my own life!”

Nick was so desperate it was heartbreaking, but once he started talking it was like he’d opened up a floodgate, spilling all of the feelings he been locking up for years. “It’s like being in prison. There are so many things I can’t do and anything I want to do, I have to ask permission first. And there’s so many things I’ve never done because I didn’t have time for it. I want to feel normal. I want to do things that normal people do. I want to control my life, and not be controlled by it,” Nick sighed heavily. “I’m just tired. I’ve been doing it since I was a kid. My mother threw me into it long before I was ready to make that decision on my own, and now it’s all I know. I missed out on so much. I never got to be a kid, ya know?”

“Then why keep doing it?” Rachel asked.

Nick sighed. “There are so many reasons that I shouldn’t quit. Good reasons. I really do love performing, and if I couldn’t sing I don’t know what I’d do. And then there are the fans. I love my fans. I owe so much to them. How could I let them down like that? And the guys…” Nick’s voice trailed off as he thought about what leaving the group would mean for them. “They’re my brothers. Leaving them would be like stabbing a knife in their back. It’s kind of sad, but they’re all I’ve got.”

“What about your real family?”

Nick laughed harshly. “My parents are screwed up! I’m better off without them.”

“And your brothers and sisters?”

“We don’t really talk a whole lot. We’re all trying to fix the damage our parents did, and it’s not like they ever taught us to how to help each other, or talk to each other. Hell I doubt if we all even love each other.”

“Oh, Nick! That’s an awful thing to say.”

“It’s the truth. That’s why I’ve stuck with the guys all these years. They’re the only ones that have ever loved me. If I left them I would be completely on my own. There’s nobody else.”

“What if there was?”

Nick looked at Rachel confused. “What if you had a friend that would help you get through this? Someone who would help you tell the guys what you really want. Would you stay or would you quit?”

“I don’t know. It’s complicated. But it doesn’t matter because there is nobody like that. When I told you, you were the only friendly face I could think of today, I was serious.”

Rachel gave Nick a look as if to say HELLO? WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE TO YOU? When he saw the look on her face, and realized what she was saying, his mouth dropped in disbelief. “You would do that for me?”

“Isn’t that what friends do?” Rachel said with a smirk. “When they aren’t buys inviting themselves over to each others’ houses?”

Nick was still confused. It was a sweet offer for sure but she couldn’t possibly realize what she was saying. Nick felt the need to tell her exactly what would happen. “Do you know what would happen if I left the group?” he said warningly. “It would be a media circus. There would be endless reporters and photographers, and new rumors in the tabloids every day. I can’t imagine the kind of backlash I would get. The fans would hate me and the guys would feel betrayed. They wouldn’t take it well. And you know, anyone who takes my side would be under just as much scrutiny. In this case, that would be you. If you were there when I told the guys, they’d probably blame you. And, if the media saw us together at all, you would be labeled as the evil woman who forced me to quit or something. We’d be the two most hated people in the world.”

“First of all,” Rachel laughed gently, “you’re the Backstreet Boys, not the Beatles.”

“Oh, thank you,” Nick said cracking a smile.

“And secondly,” Rachel continued more sympathetically, “if it really meant your happiness, then yes, I would do that for you.”

“But why?” Nick said truly astonished. “You don’t even know me.”

“And yet you’re sitting in my living room telling me things you’ve never told another living soul,” Rachel replied with a loving smile and took Nick’s hand in hers. “I know what it’s like to be alone.”

Nick’s hesitation started to fade and the corners of his mouth began to curve upward. “I’ve lived here for nearly two months now and you’re the first person to just stop by,” Rachel admitted. She felt her cheeks turn pink and she shrugged. “Maybe I need you as much as you need me.”

Rachel’s words hit Nick like a ton of bricks. In all his life, sad as it may sound, no one had ever told him that they needed him before. The emotions Nick felt were overwhelming him. The feeling was completely new, and it was amazing. Without warning Nick threw his arms around Rachel. He’d never cared about anyone in his life more, and he’d only known her for a few days. Tears filled his eyes as he held on to Rachel tightly. “I’m going to be the best friend you’ve ever had,” he whispered, “I promise.”

Rachel sat there soaking up Nick’s affection. She’d lived for years now with only the love of her son, and even though she didn’t show it much, she was more grateful for Nick than he could possibly understand. She closed her eyes, feeling Nick’s strong arms around her, and eventually she hugged him back.

When they let go of each other there were tears running down both their cheeks. Rachel reached up and giggled as she wiped Nick’s face dry. Nick in return dried Rachel’s, snickering at how silly they looked. “We’re in trouble,” Rachel said and their giggles turned into laughter.

Once they settled down, they sat in silence for a minute not knowing what to do next until Rachel’s stomach grumbled loud enough for Nick to hear. “Didn’t you eat dinner?” he asked curiously.

Rachel shrugged, realizing how hungry she was. She thought back on her long day and realized that she never did get a chance to eat. “They make you work 24 hours straight and they don’t even feed you?” Nick said, sounding almost protective.

“Things got a little crazy near the end of my shift. I had a car accident victim in really bad shape and before I knew it, it was time to go home.”

Nick looked at Rachel admiringly. “Well I guess saving a man’s life trumps a trip to the cafeteria.”

The smile on Rachel’s face faded immediately. “What’s wrong?” Nick asked when he saw the change in her mood.

“I couldn’t save him,” Rachel replied.

“He died?” Nick gasped.

Nick felt awful as he realized that Rachel had watched a man lose his life today. All the sudden, his troubles seemed so small. “Rachel I’m so sorry.”

Rachel swallowed her sadness and shrugged again, “That’s just part of the job,” she said.

“The hardest part,” Nick replied.

Rachel sighed and slumped back into the couch. “You can’t save everyone.”

Nick smiled sadly at Rachel. The sadness in her voice was so drastic it was almost mysterious. Rachel said she was good a hiding her feelings and Nick couldn’t help but wonder if she was doing that now. She’d listened to his problems and made him feel so much better that he wanted desperately to do the same for her. “I’m sure that man was still grateful that you tried,” he whispered.

Rachel had never seen it from that perspective before. “Thanks Nick,” she said softly.

Nick ended up ordering a pizza. When Rachel told him it wasn’t necessary Nick insisted, claiming that he would probably eat most of it anyway, and he did. After they ate they called it a night. Rachel was exhausted from her day and needed to get some rest before her son woke up in the morning.

Nick was walking on air when he went home that night. Having released so much to Rachel was like having a weight lifted off his chest and suddenly everything seemed just a little bit brighter. Once he was home, Nick was in such a good mood that he even decided to call Brian. Brian didn’t pick up his phone, but Nick left a sincere apology on his voice mail and then went to bed thinking he might just get a good night’s sleep for once.

Chapter 7


The next morning Spencer was up bright and early as expected. As Rachel fed him breakfast she kept thinking about everything Nick said the night before. Rachel watched her son closely. Sometimes she felt trapped the same way Nick did, by her own responsibilities. Being a single mom was tough. As Spencer dribbled Cheerios all over himself, Rachel thought back to the day she realized she was on her own. For a brief moment the thought of an abortion crossed her mind, but no matter how hopeless the situation seemed at the time, she just couldn’t do it.

Rachel wiped a Cheerio off the side of Spencer’s face and laughed. He may be a lot of work, and Rachel may be missing out on a lot of things people her age are doing, but he was worth it. Never once, since the day he was born, had Rachel regret having him. Even when throwing temper tantrums that little boy could melt her heart, and when he did, everything she went through on a daily basis simply didn’t matter.

Again Rachel’s thoughts turned to Nick. All she needed to do was make Nick realize how much the trials in his life, in this case it was his career, meant to him, and then decide if it was worth it. But how was she going to do that? Maybe spending some time away would do him some good. Then maybe he would see how much he missed it. Rachel shook her head. He was way too stressed out about it right now and needed time to clear his head before he could think rationally about the whole situation. That’s when the idea came to her. The light went on inside Rachel’s head and inspiration struck. Rachel picked up her phone and dialed Nick’s number. “Hello?” Nick answered groggily.

“Hey!”

“Rachel?” Nick asked still half asleep.

“I’m bored and you’re not doing anything so I’m coming over,” she teased. “I need directions to your house.”

“I am doing something,” Nick argued. “I’m sleeping.”

“Not anymore. It’s my turn to see you without your make up on.”

When Nick realized that he had a smile on his face despite how early it was, he gave in and told her how to get to his house. Nick didn’t think it was possible to have a bounce in his step at seven in the morning, but as he made his way to the shower he was practically skipping. He laughed at himself but deep down he was excited.

Nick was excited that Rachel had called at all. After the last two times he’d seen her, he was worried that she was just being nice. After he went to bed last night all he could think about was how stupid he must have looked literally crying in her arms, so when he woke up to her voice he was extremely relieved.

There was sort of a playful excitement in Rachel’s voice that Nick seemed to soak up like a sponge and for the first time in a long time, Nick found himself singing in the shower. It used to be that you couldn’t get Nick Carter to stop singing no matter where he was, but after so many years, and all the stress of his career, somewhere along the way he forgot that singing was fun. Now, he couldn’t even remember the last time he sung anything just to be singing. This morning’s version of Madonna’s Material Girl was a little rusty, but full of heart.

For the first time in a long time Nick was excited to face the day ahead of him. Rachel didn’t tell him what she was up to, but it really didn’t matter. He would have been happy just going on a walk the way they did the first time they met, but he could tell there would be more to it than that. All Rachel told him was that she had the entire day off and that if he had any plans he had to cancel them. Fortunately for him, he only had one short meeting scheduled for later today about final scheduling of the upcoming tour, but he figured he didn’t really have a say in that so he was pretty sure it would be ok to skip it.

By 7:30 Rachel was knocking on Nick’s door. She half expected to find him still in bed, and when he greeted her with an enormous smile showered dressed and ready to go, Rachel was truly surprised. “Well I didn’t have you pegged for a morning person,” she laughed setting Spencer down.

“I don’t think I’ve been up this early if I didn’t have to be since I was like 6 years old,” Nick admitted, “so you better have a good reason for making me get up.”

Rachel smiled devilishly and shook her keys. “So you ready to go then?”

“That depends on where we’re going,” Nick replied playfully.

“We’re taking a sick day.”

A confused but excited Nick looked curiously at Rachel. “Haven’t you ever seen Farris Buler’s Day Off?” Rachel asked.

Nick shook his head, actually a little embarrassed that he’d never seen the movie. “I know, it’s supposed to be a classic,” he mumbled.

“You really have missed out on a lot, haven’t you?” Rachel replied utterly amazed that there was actually someone her age that hadn’t seen it. “I guess we’ll just have to add that to the to do list now, won’t we?”

Nick shrugged, not sure if he was supposed to answer that question or not. He was dying to know where Rachel was about to take him. He loved surprises, but was never on the receiving end of them. “So, are you going to tell me where we’re going or not?” he asked impatiently, as he climbed into the passenger seat of Rachel’s car.

“I can’t.”

“You afraid I’m not going to like the answer?” Nick pried, “What? Are you really some crazy stalker about to kidnap me?” he asked, playfully questioning her with his eyes.

Rachel could have come back with a million different sarcastic remarks for that statement, Nick made it really easy that time, but instead, she chose just to smile lovingly at him. Not that she didn’t love playful banter, but people tent to hide their true feelings behind sarcasm way too much, and today was not just about having a great time, it was about discovering the truth. If Rachel was going to help Nick with his dilemma, then she needed to know the real Nick Carter. She needed to find out what made him tick and what was really in his heart. The problem was she wasn’t sure Nick even knew the answer to that question.

Rachel stared into his eyes as if she were tearing off all the layers that made him up. As she smiled, Nick quit laughing at his own joke. He felt himself blush under her gaze but he couldn’t pull his eyes away from her face. The look on it was too intoxicating. Her eyes twinkled, lighting up her entire face, and yet there was a hint of sadness in them. The only word Nick could think to describe the way she looked was genuine. At that moment Rachel seemed 100 percent genuine. In Nick Carter’s world that was rare. Everyone he met had an agenda. They were always after his money or his fame, or, they were hoping he could help them with their own careers, and some were just in it for the bragging rights.

Nick’s mind went down the list. Rachel was a doctor so she didn’t really need money and he knew she wasn’t looking for her 15 minutes of fame, because he practically had to drag her kicking and screaming to the AMA’s. She’d already made it very clear that she wasn’t interested in him romantically, and strangely enough, that didn’t seem to bother him. And, she had absolutely no ties to the entertainment industry so she wasn’t looking for her big break.

For the first time in his life Nick was truly stumped. In fact, the more he thought about it, the more confused he became. What on earth was she doing here? She didn’t seem to have a single reason for being here except that maybe she just wanted to be. Maybe she just liked him and wanted the company. Was that even possible when someone was as famous as Nick? Nick wanted to tell himself to be wary of her, but as much as he tried he just couldn’t find a reason.

Nick had now been studying Rachel long enough to make her feel self-conscious. It was obvious that he was lost in his thoughts and Rachel wondered what those thoughts were, and what she’d done to trigger them. She shifted in her seat and reached out for the steering wheel. After nervously clearing her throat she quietly whispered, “So, are we ready then?”

Nick quickly realized he was staring and immediately diverted his eyes. “Um, yeah,” he muttered reaching for his seatbelt.

“Great!” Rachel said with renewed excitement. “Where we goin’?”

The confusion on Nick’s face made Rachel giggle. “What do you mean?” Nick asked, “I thought that you…”

Rachel smiled again with that same genuine smile. “Today is all about you,” she explained. “This is your sick day, not mine, so today we are going to do whatever you want. There’s no one here to stop us. No one telling us what we can and can’t do.”

Nick was still totally lost. This might be more difficult than Rachel thought so she tried a different approach. “OK, close your eyes and picture yourself sitting in a large conference room with the other Backstreet Boys,” she commanded.

Nick tried not to laugh as he closed his eyes but he played along and envisioned the room. It wasn’t hard considering he was in that situation just yesterday. In fact, that reminded him that he need to call and tell them that he was not going to make today’s meeting. “Trust me,” Rachel said when she saw the smirk. “Now, add your manager, or producer, or agent, or whatever it is you have.”

“I have all of those and then some,” Nick laughed with his eyes still shut tightly.

“Even better,” Rachel said. “Picture them all. Picture the head of your label, your publicist… your mother… and anyone else who might tell you how to live your life.”

At first Nick felt silly, but the more Rachel talked, the more vivid the picture became in his mind, and the more crowded that conference room got. The feeling of silliness was quickly replaced with claustrophobia. Feelings of stress, anger, resentment, helplessness and even fear, began to take over his mind. “Now,” Rachel whispered seeing that he was getting upset. Her voice instantly calmed him. “Get up from the table.”

Nick no longer felt silly. He was too engrossed in the image in his mind. He may as well have really been in that room. “Turn around, walk out the door and shut it behind you.”

Rachel watched curiously as the tension eased from Nick’s face. Without realizing it, Nick released a deep breath. He sat for a minute, listening to the silence, and then slowly opened his eyes and stared at Rachel in bewilderment. “How did you do that?”

“Stay focused,” Rachel giggled. “Now that you’re free, what is it that you have always wanted to do, but never have? Right now we’re only thinking of you.” Rachel paused a moment and then said, “Now, tell me where we’re going.”

For a split second Nick’s entire face lit up but he instantly mustered the excitement. “I dunno?” he shrugged.

“HA!” Rachel yelled, “I saw that look! You know exactly where you want to go.”

“It’s nothing,” Nick said shaking his head.

“Tell me!” Rachel demanded.

“It doesn’t matter. I couldn’t do it anyway. It’s stupid really.”

“Whatever it is it can’t be that bad. And they can’t stop you! They’re locked in a conference room, remember?”

Nick let a laugh escape and Rachel was glad to see his spirits were still up. “So where is it we’re going?” she asked again.

Nick still hesitated. “Nick, for once in your life be a little selfish and indulge yourself. What good is your life if you can’t control it?”

Rachel was now pleading with Nick. The urgency in her voice surprised him and he finally let go of his restraint. “I want to shave my head,” he blurted out.

Rachel had to try her hardest not to laugh at the poor guy. “That’s what all the fuss is about? A haircut?”

Nick shrugged. “I’ve always wondered what I would look like with a shaved head but I’m always ‘advised against it’,” Nick said sarcastically, as he made quotation marks with his fingers. “In manager talk that means no.”

“But why would that matter?”

“Are you kidding me?” Nick laughed. “The baby face of the Backstreet Boys shedding his golden locks? I’m supposed to be the teenage heart throb.”

Rachel grinned and turned the key in the ignition making the car roar to life. “That’s it. We’re decided then.”

Nick’s eyes grew big. “Are you kidding? I can’t really do it.”

“What are they gonna do, drop the Backstreet Boys from their label over 2 inches of hair?”

Nick looked sheepishly at Rachel. It sounded so stupid when she said it. Rachel snickered again. “Are the other Boys going to kick you out of the band? If you really are the heartthrob, then they know as well as you do that they can’t do that. The worst that could happen is they get mad at you for a while, and from what I saw the other night, they probably already are so it really won’t make a whole lot of difference now, will it? I say screw ‘em and let’s go cut your hair.”

Nick was surprised by Rachel’s frankness, but he liked it. The corners of his mouth curved upward and he raised his eyebrows curiously as he began to see Rachel’s point. “Besides,” Rachel said finishing her spiel, “you may still be the baby of the group, but you’ve definitely grown up.” Nick felt himself blush. “And so have your fans. I’m sure they’ll think you’re gorgeous no matter what.”

Nick sat a moment, contemplating the idea, and then smiled. “OK, let’s do it!”

Rachel grinned and then immediately backed out of Nick’s driveway. There were all kinds of butterflies in Nick’s stomach as he thought of shaving his head. It wasn’t that he was nervous about what it would look like, but it was sort of like he was rebelling. It was kind of exciting and Nick could hardly hold still as Rachel pulled into a small strip mall. “Supercuts?” A very unimpressed Nick mumbled as he stared up at the neon sign in front of him.

“Snob,” Rachel giggled.

“I’m a rock star. What’d you expect?” Nick laughed only half teasing.

“You’re a POP star!” Rachel fired back.

“Hey now! That’s hitting below the belt,” Nick said, pretending to be offended but then chuckled. “And besides, pop stars have to be way more conscious of their looks. It’s all part of the image.”

Rachel shrugged. “Yeah, you are a bunch of pretty boys.”

“You know you love it.” Nick smirked.

Rachel tried not to humor him but she couldn’t help the grin on her face. “Get out of the car,” she replied with a hint of annoyance that Nick one-upped her.

“I’m not going in there. That’s the kind of place my white trash mom goes after her Lee press-on nails dry,” Nick said more than just half serious this time.

Rachel laughed again. “You’re getting your hair chopped off. What are they gonna do? Buzz it crooked?”

Nick wrinkled his nose and didn’t budge from his seat. “All right mister high and mighty,” Rachel said in a voice that made her toddler look nervous. “If you want to hang out with me, this is the price you have to pay. Either you get out of the car right now and have an adventure, or I’ll take you home, and you can call up your pretty boy band mates and make spa appointments together like a bunch of homos.”

Nick’s mouth dropped open. He wasn’t sure if he was more surprised at what she said or the way she said it. Either way, he was astonished that she was able to say it and keep a straight face. Nick tried to hold back his own laughter as he thought about arguing with her some more, just for the fun of it, but when he saw the look on her face he decided just to do as he was told.

Rachel smiled, satisfied with herself, when Nick got out of the car. She grabbed Spencer from the back seat and went into the salon. Nick pulled his baseball cap low over his eyes and glanced around to make sure no one was looking before he followed her inside.
Nick looked nervously at his own hair in the giant mirror in front of him as a heavyset woman in her late forties draped a cloth around him. The woman smiled cheerfully at his reflection and said, “So what are we doing today?”

Nick glanced at Rachel who was sitting in the empty chair next to him holding Spencer in her lap. She flashed him an encouraging smile and he turned his attention back to the bubbly stylist. “Can we shave it?” he asked almost timidly.

The woman was really surprised by the suggestion but smiled anyway. “Are you sure you want to get rid of this beautiful hair?” she teased running her fingers through the golden locks.

“Are you trying to make me nervous?” Nick said forcing a laugh. If she was, it was definitely working.

“I’m just making sure, because I can’t exactly put it back when I’m done.” The woman joked examining the well cared for hair. “You must have paid a fortune for these highlights,” she giggled and winked at him.

Nick thought back to the previous week. He had to get up at four a.m. to have them done before the video shoot, when he didn’t think he needed them in the first place. He glared into the mirror remembering the crazy chain of events that led him to the chair he was now sitting in and a defiant look crossed his face. “I’m sure,” he said. “Get rid of it!”

“Alright sweetie.” The woman said happily giving way.

The woman reached for a pair of scissors and grabbed a chunk of Nick’s hair. Before she could cut it, Rachel stopped her. “May I?”

The woman giggled and handed over her scissors. Rachel set Spencer down in the chair and smiled really big. Nick held his breath and shut his eyes tightly, as if it were going to hurt when Rachel grabbed a handful of his hair and sliced it off. She held the hair in front of Nick’s face and his eyes grew wide. “No turning back now,” she teased and handed the lady back her scissors.

Nick let go the breath he’d been holding. “They’re gonna kill me,” he said.

“Ah, ah, ah! I don’t want to hear any more talk about ‘them’ today. This is a Nick day, remember?” Rachel warned.

Nick watched Rachel curiously as she put tape around the lock of hair to keep it all together. “What are you gonna do with that?” he asked.

“I dunno.” Rachel replied casually, “Sleep with it, wear it around my neck…”

“I knew you were really a stalker!” Nick laughed.

“I’m only kidding.” Rachel replied but then grinned wickedly, “I’m gonna sell it on Ebay.”

Nick gave Rachel a disgusted look. “You wouldn’t.”

“Do you know how much money I could get for this? This tiny little perfect lock of hair? I bet I could get like a couple hundred bucks.”

“You better get at least a thousand, for as much crap as I’m going to get for shaving my head,” Nick laughed.

“Are you somebody famous or something?” The stylist asked as she ran the clippers over Nick’s head.

“Sort of,” Nick said and Rachel was surprised to see him blush. “I’m a singer.”

The woman’s face lit up with a hint of recognition. “Oh I know, you’re one of those ‘Nsync boys aren’t you?”

Rachel snickered and Nick shot her a nasty look. “Um, it’s the Backstreet Boys actually.”

“Oh well, I was close.” The lady laughed with a sigh.

Nick tried to keep the smile on his face. He wanted to tell her just how NOT close she was, by mistaking him for one of those no-talent, carbon copy, hacks that gave the Backstreet Boys such a bad rap back in the 90’s. To Nick, there was no greater insult than mistaking him for a member of ‘Nsync.

More like ‘NSUCK! he thought, and laughed to himself at the lame joke, but Nick knew the woman meant no harm by the comment. She obviously wasn’t very familiar with either of the rival groups. So instead of explaining it to the woman, who probably didn’t care anyway, he just flashed her the famous Nick Carter smile and changed the subject back to the lock of hair Rachel was twirling in her fingers. “So really, what are you going to do with that?” he asked.

“It’s for you,” Rachel finally admitted. “You took a big step today. This is a cool keepsake. Take it home and stick it in your journal or something.”

“I don’t keep a journal,” Nick laughed.

“You should,” Rachel replied. “It’s a great outlet.”

“Outlet for what?”

“For all those thoughts and feelings you keep bottled up inside.”

“That’s so girly,” Nick said wrinkling his nose.

“And that’s a typical male response,” Rachel argued.

“Well I’m a typical male,” Nick said puffing up his chest.

“A typical male with no hair,” the stylist laughed brushing the lose hair from Nick’s shoulders. “You’re all finished.”

Nick and Rachel dropped their argument and stared at Nick’s reflection, examining his head. Nick studied himself in the mirror and then ran his hand over the stubble. After a moment he smiled. “Kiss my ass fellas! I like it.”

“I’m glad you like it,” Rachel laughed, “but watch your mouth in front of my kid.”

“Oh yeah, sorry.” Nick said and winked at the toddler.

Spencer giggled at Nick. “He likes it too,” Nick said and held his arms out. “Come on little man, let’s get out of here.”

Nick picked up Spencer and went to pay the cashier. Rachel smiled at the way Nick seemed almost giddy. She followed him to the front of the salon and just as they were about to walk out the door a beautiful brunette, about the age of 20, walked through the door ready for work. She smiled as she passed them but stopped dead in her tracks when she realized who was standing there. Nick knew she recognized him and a smirk slowly spread across his face. Rachel was fascinated watching ‘Nick Carter’ in action. He flashed the girl a big smile letting her know it was ok to approach him. “Nick Carter?” she asked in surprise.

“In the flesh,” he said flirtatiously.

“What are you do-“ the girl stopped mid sentence when she saw Nick’s new look. “Oh my gosh, your hair!” she gasped.

She reached out as if she were going to touch his head but caught herself. Nick laughed. “Go ahead, it feels kinda cool.”

The girl blushed but then rubbed his head. “All your beautiful hair is gone,” she sighed.

“So what do ya think?” he asked.

The girl looked at him for a minute and then smiled dangerously, “I think it’s sexy,” she said, obviously throwing herself at him.

“Glad you like it,” Nick replied, eating up the attention.

Rachel wanted to gag as she watched the gross interaction, but she was really amused when the girl realized for the first time that Nick was holding a baby. “Who’s this?” she asked.

“This is my buddy Spencer,” he said proudly. “Say hi, little man.”

“Hi, little man,” Spencer mimicked and then shyly buried his face in Nick’s chest.

“Hi Spencer,” the girl whined. “Aren’t you just too cute!”

The girl tickled Spencer and Rachel officially had enough. She coughed suggestively to get their attention. “I’ll see you outside,” she said trying her best not to laugh. She walked outside and Nick suddenly remembered that she was there. “Well I should get going,” he said to the girl.

The girl looked curiously at Rachel but didn’t ask about her. “Call me sometime,” she said and handed Nick one of her business cards.

Nick took the card and gave her a wink as he walked out the door. Moments later, he was realizing he had no idea how to strap his newly discovered chick magnet into his car seat. “Little help?” he said fiddling with various straps and buckles.

Rachel laughed to herself and secured Spencer safely in his seat. Nick hopped in the front and flipped open the vanity mirror in order to get another look at his head. Rachel laughed as she watched him smile at himself. “So peach fuzz, you feel better knowing there’s at least one girl in this world that thinks you’re still ‘sexy’?” she said mocking the young hairstylist.

“Aw come on, she was sweet,” he said defending the stranger.

“She was definitely pretty, but any girl who throws herself so dramatically at anyone is hardly sweet.”

Nick eyed Rachel playfully. “Are you jealous?” he teased, hoping to get a rise out of Rachel, but was sorely disappointed when she burst into laughter.

“Hardly,” she said when she got control of her giggles. “Honey we’re not dating. You can do whatever with whomever you want. I don’t really care.”

Nick frowned. He liked that they were just friends and all, but still, she could have at least pretended. The look of disappointment on his face made Rachel laugh again but then she stopped and said a little more seriously, “Even if you called that girl up tonight and made her wildest fantasy come true, I could never be jealous of a girl like that because I’ve got the better part of Nick Carter. The part someone like her will never even know exists.”

Rachel smiled playfully and held up the lock of Nick’s hair. “And besides, she doesn’t have this!”

Rachel held the hair to her nose and took a deep breath inhaling the scent as if she was some obsessed psycho, but Nick didn’t laugh at the joke. He barely even heard it. He was still pondering the part where she said she got the better part of him. It was the nicest thing anyone had ever said to him and Rachel didn’t even realize what she’d said. Nick stared at her in awe, thinking to himself that this woman was going to change his life. She was the life raft he’d been waiting for, for so long, finally here to pull him from the raging sea and row him safely to shore.

Suddenly Nick felt liberated. He felt excited and hopeful that the rain was going to stop falling on his life, and the feeling was exhilarating. Nick pulled Rachel into his arms so fast that she practically suffered whiplash, and he squeezed her so tightly that his arms trembled. “Thank you,” he whispered in a shaky voice, “Thank you so much.”

“Whoa there tiger,” she teased yet returned the heartfelt hug. “it’s only hair.”

Nick slowly pulled himself back to his side of the car and fought the urge to cry. “It’s so much more than that,” he said blinking a single tear free from his eye.

Rachel smiled that same sincere smile that Nick knew he was going to cherish for the rest of his life and she wiped the tear from his face. “Brace yourself peach fuzz, the day is just beginning.”

Chapter 8


The act of shaving Nick’s head had in reality taken all of ten minutes and for the second time that morning Nick was glad to see how early it was. The clock on the dash of Rachel’s car read 8:17. Nick was astonished that he’d already accomplished so much this morning and it was still early enough to order off the breakfast menu at McDonalds. Rachel was right; the day really was just beginning.

Nick’s face was now beaming with excitement and his mind was filled with all kinds of ways he could spend his “sick day”, as Rachel called it. Rachel watched his eyes flutter from side to side as his mind raced. As she looked at him, she couldn’t believe how different he looked, and it had noting to do with his recent loss of hair. His eyes seemed lighter, his smile was wider, and even his complexion seemed brighter. It was like he had been transformed.

Every time Rachel had seen Nick up to this point he looked as if he were carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders but suddenly, along with the weight of his hair, the heaviness of the world was gone as well. Rachel could tell by the twinkle in his eyes that she’s made the right decision by dragging him out today and, although she’d been looking forward to this day already, she was now filled with excitement over the possibilities that it now had to offer. “So where to next?” she asked.

Nick grinned, “First things first, I need an egg mcmuffin,” he said.

Rachel laughed but didn’t hesitate to pull out of the Supercuts parking lot in the direction of the nearest McDonalds and, seeing as how there’s a McDonalds on practically every street corner in this country, it was just minutes later that Nick sat in a booth inhaling his 3rd greasy sandwich. Rachel sipped her less than excellent coffee, wondering how Nick could eat that way and not be sick.

Spencer had already eaten his Cheerios earlier and played happily on the deserted play gym. “Look at me, Mommy!” he chanted every few seconds, after he managed to climb just a bit farther into the maze of colorful tubing.

Nick smiled, watching Rachel interact with her son. Her entire face lit up as she waved to him. He wondered what it must feel like to have someone in your life that you truly loved unconditionally. Without taking his eyes off of her Nick began to wonder if he would ever be so lucky. Most of the time the thought of kids scared the hell out of Nick, but he knew that one day, many, many years down the road, it was something he wanted. But the thought of ending up like Rachel scared him too. He wondered how she had the strength to raise a child on her own and realized that that was just one more thing that intrigued him about her.

Spencer squealed with delight and then scampered off again and Rachel turned her attention back to Nick. She was surprised at the intense stare she was getting from him. Though the look on his face wasn’t lustful, but more one of admiration, she still blushed under his gaze. She nervously cleared her throat snapping Nick back to reality. “Any ideas on what you’d like to do today?” she asked.

Nick thought for a moment and then asked, almost shyly, “Did you really have no plans for the day?”

“Just you,” Rachel replied sweetly. “Like I said, today is your day so I am at your mercy.”

When Nick heard that he grinned. “Let’s go to the beach!” he suggested then corrected himself, “Let’s go surfing!”

Rachel looked at Nick like he was crazy. “It’s October. Do you know how cold it will be at the beach?”

Nick frowned. Normally the cold wouldn’t stop him, but he didn’t want to risk getting little Spencer sick or anything so he sat for a minute trying to think up a new plan. Then suddenly his eyes flickered with excitement. “It won’t be cold in Cabo,” he suggested.

“Cabo?”

“Cabo San Lucas?”

“As in Mexico?” Rachel questioned.

“Sure,” Nick smiled. “We’re not that far from the Santa Monica Airport. I bet it wouldn’t be that difficult to get someone to fly us down there for the day.”

Rachel laughed the same way she had when Nick suggested she go with him to the AMA’s. “Don’t be ridiculous.”

“Look,” Nick said intensely, “I know you said you don’t want to do the whole celebrity thing, and I respect that, but come on. We’re not talking screaming fans and red carpets here. Its just a nice relaxing day at the beach.”

“But,” Rachel began to argue but Nick cut her off.

“Whether you like it or not,” he said, “that’s who I am. I’m Nick Carter, baby!” he teased making Rachel laugh but then became serious again. “I can’t help it if I’m a freaking millionaire. When you’re with me, you get spoiled. And besides, you said this was my day to do whatever I want, and I want to go surfing. I never have time to go surfing. Come on Rachel be spontaneous. Get a little crazy and let’s go to Cabo!”

Rachel still looked a little skeptical but Nick could see a tiny spark of excitement behind her eyes and he could tell that deep down she wanted to go. He didn’t understand what the big deal was but Rachel seemed almost scared to say yes. He figured she didn’t have many opportunities like this. She was a little rough around the edges and used to being on her own. She may be a doctor, but had to work very hard to get where she was. Nick was sure being spoiled was a concept she was not used to. He hated to make her do something that she might be a little uncomfortable with but she was just going to have to get used to it. Nick already cared a great deal for her and wanted to do all the things for her that she couldn’t do for herself.

As Nick stared her down he decided that Rachel probably needed to live life as much as he did and he was not about to go through this change all by himself. If there was something he could do to help Rachel, then he was going to do it. After a lot of contemplation, Nick put his foot down. “That’s it, it’s settled,” he demanded, “You’re at my mercy today, remember?”

Rachel’s lips finally cracked into a smile, making Nick jump up from his seat like a ball of energy. “Come on little man! It’s time to go!” he yelled up to Spencer.

Spencer giggled feeding off of Nick’s playful attitude. “You can’t get me!” he sung from the top of the play structure.

“Wanna bet?” Nick laughed and then dove into the tube in front of him.

Rachel couldn’t hold back her laughter as she watched Nick chase Spencer around. The little guy obviously had the advantage over Nick’s large figure and taunted him relentlessly. Once Nick’s inflated ego had taken enough of a beating he called to Rachel for assistance. “Spencer Jonathan Philips!” she said sternly, “It’s time to come down now.”

“OK Mommy!” Spencer chimed, “I’m coming down the slide. Catch me!”

As Spencer slid into his mother’s arms, Nick reached the top of the slide. “I’m coming too!” he yelled, “Catch me!”

Nick flew himself down the slide and Rachel stepped out of the way. Both she and Spencer laughed hysterically when he landed sharply on his rear. “Ow,” he whined through his laughter.

Rachel propped Spencer onto her hip and held out a hand to Nick. He took it and pulled himself up rubbing his sore tailbone with his other hand. Rachel laughed again and this time Nick laughed along with her. He took Rachel’s free arm in his and practically skipped out of the restaurant.

Three short hours later Nick, Rachel, and Spencer found themselves standing on the most beautiful beach Rachel had ever seen. In all her life Rachel had never dreamed she would be able to visit a place so beautiful and now here she was just spending the day here on a whim and the feeling was a little overwhelming. “You’re unbelievable Nick Carter,” she said shaking her head.

Nick watched her take in the scene as if it weren’t real. He could see the wonder and amazement in her expression and was filled with joy knowing he’d done something special for her. He pulled her close to him as they stared out at the crystal clear waves. “So what do you think?” he giggled.

“Nick it’s incredible! I’ve never seen anything like it!” she said breathlessly.

“This is nothing,” Nick shrugged. “One of these days I’ll take you to Figi. Now that’s beautiful.”

Rachel blinked knowing that, although his voice suggested he was kidding, he may not have been joking. “I don’t need to go to Figi,” she laughed, “this place is more than beautiful enough for someone like me.”

Nick heard a tiny hint of sadness in Rachel’s heart and he immediately focused all his attention on her. “What’s that supposed to mean?” he asked.

Rachel smiled and shrugged her reply. “I’m a simple girl from a simple town in nowhere, Kansas.”

Nick stared at her in disbelief. For the first time since he met her he saw some of her insecurity and it broke his heart. It was then that Nick realized that everything had been about him since he’d met Rachel. He hadn’t really stopped to think that she might be struggling internally as well. In Nick’s eyes she seemed to have a perfect life, but then, the majority of the world probably thought that very same thing about him. Nick nearly felt sick at the thought of Rachel suffering in any way. She was the most amazing person he’d ever met and he wanted her to know that.

Once again Nick was lost in his own thoughts and making Rachel blush from his stare. She nervously looked down at Spencer who was playing with a pile of sand toys nick bought from a woman off the street. She could still feel Nick’s eyes on her and she nervously began to smooth out the wrinkles on the brightly colored sarong Nick insisted she get to match the new bikini he picked out for her when they got there. She tried to refuse, but she couldn’t exactly spend the day on an exotic beach in the jeans she’d been wearing when they left.

Nick saw her tugging at the new outfit, that just happened to be very pleasing to look at, and it turned his train of thought a different direction. When he’d pulled the outfit off the shelf Rachel’s face instantly went white. She was obviously a little self-conscious about her body. True, she was no Jessica Alba, but she was still very easy on the eyes. She had a little extra padding in her tummy, but she’d had a child and Nick thought that, if anything, the extra weight made her look soft, and in a strange way, sort of inviting.

Nick couldn’t help but wonder how often men approached her. Skinny girls with toned bodies always knew they looked good, and while they flaunted their beauty, their attitude screamed ‘look but don’t touch’, but Rachel wasn’t like that. She wasn’t intimidating.

Since he was already thinking about it, Nick took a moment to look her over once more. In her own way, she was beautiful and despite the qualities that some might see as imperfections, Nick was glad she’d agreed to the two-piece swimsuit. He also couldn’t help but think that he had good taste. “What are you smiling at?” Rachel asked when she finally looked up and saw the smirk on his face.

“I knew coming to the beach was a good idea,” he teased, as he playfully looked her up and down.

Rachel rolled her eyes. “Why don’t you go find a nice little senorita to seduce or something?”

“Why do you do that?” Nick asked curiously.

“Do what?”

“Pretend like you’re not beautiful.”

Once again Rachel rolled her eyes but this time she blushed. Nick grinned mischievously and pulled out a box from behind his back. “What’s this?” Rachel asked when he handed her the box.

Nick smiled. “Oh just something I found while you were trying on swimsuits.”

Rachel slowly opened the box, almost scared to see what was inside. She gasped when she saw the beautiful set of hair combs. They were made from tortoise shells and had exotic flowers on them with pearls strung about them. “Nick, they’re beautiful!” she whispered.

Nick was glad to see that she liked them. “Well so are you,” he replied taking one of the combs from the box.

“This is too much,” Rachel protested as Nick pulled her hair from her face and clipped it back with the new comb.

“Well I can’t take them back and I certainly don’t need them.”

“Especially not now,” Rachel snickered, reaching up to rub his fuzzy head.

Nick placed the other comb in her hair and stepped back to take a good look at her. His smile was now one of pride. Nick was proud that he’d put a glow on her face. “You may be from a small town in nowhere, Kansas, but there is nothing simple about you.”

Rachel tried to shy away from the praise but Nick refused to let her. “I mean it Rachel, you have done more for me in one week than anyone ever has. If anyone deserves this, it’s you.”

“Alright Nick, that’s enough. Stop making me blush,” Rachel said, laughing nervously, but Nick stood his ground.

“I can’t help it,” he shrugged. “I’m happy today. I haven’t been in this good a mood in years and it’s all because of you. You’re incredible.”

Rachel again turned her red face away from Nick. “Thank you,” she whispered.

“You’re welcome,” Nick replied sincerely.

They stood for just a moment in awkward silence, which Nick broke with a giggle. Rachel questioned him with her eyes and he flashed her that beautiful half smile of his. He snatched up Spencer off the ground and went running toward the waves. “Last one in the water is a rotten egg!” He called back to her.

Rachel laughed, and with a shake of her head, headed down the beach toward her two favorite boys in the world.

That day in Cabo had been the most relaxing day both Nick and Rachel had ever had. Nick’s endless enthusiasm mystified Rachel. The quality he seemed to display was almost a childlike innocence. The grin never left his face and everything was fun and exciting. Overall it was an absolutely amazing day, one that he would never forget. He was surprised because he’d been to Cabo many times before but it was like he was experiencing everything for the first time. The water seemed clearer, the sky was bluer, the women were prettier. Everything was just better.

Not once that day had he been worried about what the other guys were doing or whether they would approve of what he was doing. Not once had he thought about an ex-girlfriend, or an agent, or the paparazzi. In fact, he’d even completely forgotten about his afternoon meeting at the studio. The reality was, Nick Carter managed to put his entire life aside and just enjoy himself. And did he ever!

It was nearly 10 pm when Rachel pulled into Nick’s driveway and Spencer had long since passed out from the exhausting day. On the way home from the airport Nick insisted the day wasn’t quite over yet. He and Rachel stopped for goodies and rented Ferris Buler. Rachel laughed when she saw his movie choice, and he told her that he had to know where the inspiration behind the best day of his life had come from. Rachel simply couldn’t refuse him and agreed to stay to watch the movie.

Nick carried Spencer into one of the guest rooms and laid him on the bed. He smiled when he saw the way Rachel was watching the sleeping child. “He had so much fun today,” Rachel sighed. “He’s been so stressed since we came to LA. I think he needed this day as much as you did.”

Nick walked up beside her and slid his arm around her waist. “I don’t think he was the only one,” he said. “You’re looking a good 10 years younger yourself.”

Rachel rolled her eyes, but then rested her head on Nick’s shoulder. “Today was really amazing Nick, I can’t even begin to say thank you.”

Nick smiled proudly to himself. “How about you just call us even then,” he said and kissed the top of her head. As soon as he kissed her, he immediately pulled away from her and began to playfully spit. Rachel wrinkled her nose at the odd behavior. “Your hair tastes like the beach,” he teased.

“Well you smell like seaweed,” Rachel played back.

Nick pulled his shirt to his nose and realized Rachel was right. He smelled like the ocean. “Ok, new plan,” he said, walking into the bathroom that adjoined the guest room. He made sure there was clean towels and soap. “I’m going to go shower. Feel free to do the same. I’m sure there are clothes in the closet. You can probably find something to put on if you want to be clean for the movie,” he said and grinned. “Unless you prefer to be nude. That is not against the rules in this house.”

Rachel swat Nick’s arm playfully. “It is when I’m here! I better not come downstairs and find you naked.”

Nick let out a long playful sigh. “Your loss,” he said and they both laughed.

Nick ran off to rid himself of sand and salt, and Rachel didn’t hesitate to jump in the shower either.

Chapter 9


The hot water felt so good on her tired muscles that Rachel lost track of time. Nick however, was excited and showered quickly. He threw on a pair of sweats and a wife beater and went downstairs to start popping the popcorn. As he fiddled around in the kitchen there was a knock at the door. He cringed when he saw Brian’s car outside the window and instantly remembered the meeting he completely flaked on, knowing Brian was going to give him a lecture.

It seemed that Brian always had a lecture now days. That used to be Kevin’s job, but lately Brian had taken on the role. The thing about Brian was that he always came under the guise of concern. “Nick your my best friend and I’m worried about you,” he would say.

Well Nick didn’t want to hear it. He’d just had the most perfect day and was really looking forward to a quiet relaxing evening with Rachel. A conversation with Brian was a sure way to kill the evening. Even though he’d called him to apologize earlier, Nick was still really pissed off at Brian and figured he was probably coming to take his turn to say he was sorry. If that were the case, then part of Nick wanted to let him in, but part of him feared it would only make things worse.

Nick felt bad about not answering the door because deep down he knew that Brian really meant well. He really was just trying to help, he just had a really messed up way of doing it. Brian didn’t let Nick think on his own anymore. Nick figured he’d just made too many bad decisions and his best friend had lost faith in him. It stung a little, but he couldn’t deny it.

Nick was sure about Rachel though. He knew deep in his heart that Rachel was not a gold digger and was not going to break his heart. He wasn’t even trying to pursue her sexually; he just needed a friend. He didn’t want to explain that to Brian though, because he was afraid it would hurt his feelings. Brian was supposed to be his best friend. Brian was supposed to be the one to help him through the rough times in his life, but things were different now. Times had changes and so had Nick. He didn’t feel comfortable opening up to Brian anymore, not the way he used to, and not the way he could with Rachel.
But, Brian was still his friend, brother, and band mate, and Nick didn’t want to lose that, so he begrudgingly opened the door for his friend. “Sup man?” he shrugged as he stepped back, allowing the smaller man through the door.

“Oh my God, Nick, your hair!”

“Yeah,” Nick said, running his hand over the fuzz on his head, “I kinda like it.”

Brian waited for further explanation and was a little annoyed when he didn’t get it, but Nick just shrugged expectantly, as if to say what are you doing here? Brian sighed dramatically before giving his reply. “You missed the meeting and you haven’t returned anyone’s calls for two days. I’m worried about you Nick.”

Nick couldn’t help but smirk at his friends’ words. “How did I know that was coming?” he replied sarcastically.

“I’m sorry about the other day Nick, but I’m not playin’. Is there something wrong with you?”

“To be honest, I wasn’t feeling so well, so I took a sick day. I guess I just forgot to let you guys know. Sorry man, I really didn’t mean to flake.”

That was the truth. Nick really had no intention of completely blowing off his meeting, but the day had been so nice he simply forgot. It was also the truth that he hadn’t been feeling well, it’s just that what was wrong with him wasn’t physical. If today had accomplished anything, it made Nick realize that it was possible for him to be happy. It also made him realize just how miserable he really was. Nick knew that he had a lot to think about now, but he wasn’t scared because he knew that Rachel would be there to help him through it. Brian watched, concerned, as Nick drifted off into deep thought. “Did you go see a doctor? I know you hate doing that, so if you want, I’ll go with you.”

“That’s alright man. I’ll be ok.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah man. Look, I’m sorry about the other day. It’s just, well like I said, I haven’t been feeling so good lately is all, but I think I’m on the up side now so don’t worry about me.”

“I didn’t mean to piss you off either,” Brian said, “I love you man. I just don’t want to see you get hurt again, that’s all.”

“Please, trust me when I say I’m not going to make another mistake like Paris again.” Nick said desperately, but cringed as Rachel’s voice sounded in the hallway. Her timing couldn’t have been worse.

“I think I’m going to have to keep these sweats Nick,” she laughed as she rounded the corner into the living room. “There’s no way they fit you. And if they do, I’ll shoot myself.”

Nick’s face paled as he watched her tug at a pair of sweats she’d found in the closet, Brian’s sweats. The fact that she was there at all when Nick was claiming he’d been sick was bad, but this really didn’t look good. Rachel was wearing borrowed clothes and had a towel wrapped around her head. She caught Brian’s gaze and instantly froze up. The smile was wiped clean from her face. She felt so awkward because of what happened between them at the AMA’s. Luckily, she didn’t know that she had been the topic of discussion or she probably would have thrown up from nerves.

Nick swallowed hard and then looked at Brian. He felt as if time were standing still as Brian’s face turned red with anger. This was surely not going to patch things up between them. “Sick huh?” Brian said biting back a scream, “Let me guess, it’s not what it looks like?”

“No, its not,” Nick said just as coldly. “But even if it was, it still wouldn’t be any of your damn business.”

“Hey Nick, maybe I should just go,” Rachel said attempting to shrink back up the stairs.

Nick looked at Rachel with sad eyes. This was really not the way he’d hoped this day would end. He didn’t want Rachel to leave, especially not under these circumstances. He could see how uncomfortable she was, and with good reason. Nick instantly felt the need to protect her and became so angry with Brian that he could hardly string together any coherent thoughts. “Please don’t go, Rachel,” he begged.

“No, it’s been a really long day and maybe I should just get Spencer home in his own bed. Today was great, and I can’t thank you enough, but we’ll have to watch the movie another time.”

“Really Rachel, Spence is fine, he’s sleeping like a baby. I’d hate for you to wake him up. Why don’t you just stay here tonight?”

“Who’s Spencer?” Brian asked.

Rachel looked uneasy and Nick felt sick by the way she fearfully glanced at Brian. The poor girl was terrified of him. Nick shot his friend a look of death, and then pleaded with Rachel. “Please? I don’t want you to go. Don’t worry, Brian was just leaving.”

“Who’s Spencer?” Brian demanded again.

Nick was not going to answer the question, but Rachel did it anyway. “He’s my son,” she answered nervously.

Brian’s eyes nearly popped out of his head. “She has a son?”

Rachel starred at her feet while Nick clenched his fists. “Again, none of your damn business.”

“You’re making a mistake, Nick,” Brian tried to reason.

“Get out,” Nick warned.

Brian threw his hands in the air and then looked at his best friend with sad eyes. “Just be careful,” he said calmly, “or the next thing you know she’ll be trying to convince you to be the daddy of her illegitimate baby.”

Rachel was shocked. He’d insulted her bad enough at the awards show but now this? And to say it as if she weren’t even in the room? Without warning, Rachel slapped her hand sharply across Brian’s face. Both he and Nick were stunned speechless. Nick watched helplessly while Brian put his hand to his stinging cheek. “How dare you judge me like that. You’re supposed to be the Christian one right? I don’t know much about religion but I’m pretty sure that makes you a hypocrite because Christ wouldn’t even treat the devil the way you keep treating me.”

Rachel was surprisingly cool as she gave her little speech. Nick was in so much shock that he could only stare at her with bewildered eyes. “This is bullshit,” she said to him, “I’m out of here.”

Nick and Brian stood silently as Rachel retrieved her son from his resting place. “Rachel,” Nick said when she came back downstairs.

“I’ll call you later, Nick.”

Rachel headed for the front door with her sleeping child in her arms. She stopped in front of Brian on her way out and whispered so she wouldn’t wake Spencer. “Nick and I are friends,” she said, “and you’d better get used to it because jealousy’s a very ugly personality trait.”

With that she walked out the door. Nick and Brian listened in silence to the sound of Rachel’s car driving off. Brian felt terrible. “I’m sorry, Nick,” he attempted to apologize. Rachel’s reproach had been a bit of a wake up call.

“Get the fuck out of my life, Brian!”

“Nick?” Brian gasped almost ready to cry. He’d never seen Nick so angry.

“I mean it! Find yourself a new best friend. I fucking quit! You hear me? I quit the Backstreet Boys.”

Brian’s eyes widened with horror. “Have a nice life,” Nick said and opened the door forcing Brian to step through it and he slammed the door behind him.

Nick was a fireball of mixed emotions as he listened to Brian’s car start and slowly drive away. Once he was gone, everything became eerily silent. It was as if the world was purposefully allowing Nick’s thoughts to torture him. He opened a bottle of Vodka and took a hard swallow. He didn’t bother finding a glass. He just wanted to wash away all of his pain. He lied down on the couch and continued to drink his alcohol. He thought about what he said, that he quit the Backstreet Boys. It was something he’d been thinking about doing for such a long time now, but he didn’t want to leave on bad terms. He and the guys had been through so much. He thought he owed them at least that.

At first he was sad. He missed them already. The Backstreet Boys were his life for so long that he didn’t know what he was going to do without them. He also missed Brian. Brian was his best friend. What was he going to do without his partner in crime? Who was he going to pull pranks on? Who was he going to go to for advice on women?

The more he thought about it, the more he thought that he never pulled pranks on Brian anymore anyway, and he had long since been going to AJ for woman advice. He realized that it had been years since he had been the Frack to Brian’s Frick. Now they were just Nick and Brian and to be honest he wasn’t sure they were that anymore.

Soon Nick became angry. What gave Brian the right to treat him like a child? Was he so automatically grown up because he was married and had a kid? He was always trying to protect Nick and guide him in the right direction, but maybe Nick didn’t need his protection. Maybe he didn’t want his guidance. Just because Nick was not living his life the same way Brian was, didn’t mean he was living it wrong. So he’d made a bad choice in dating Paris Hilton, but who hasn’t made a bad choice in their life?

Nick thought he’d found love with Paris and he’d put his heart and soul into that relationship. She was beautiful, and fun, and she could have fooled anyone. It didn’t mean that Nick was stupid, and it didn’t mean that he was always going to make bad choices. He was crushed when Paris broke it off. He didn’t want to feel that again. Why didn’t Brian think he would be able to learn from his mistake? Why didn’t Brian trust him? And what gave him the right to treat Rachel the way he had?

So much for his so-called best friend. Nick couldn’t figure out what was wrong with Brian anyway. He was never rude like that. Sure things had been bad between him and Nick for a while now, but why would he hate Rachel so much? She was the opposite of everything Brian hated about Paris. She was wonderful and she never did anything to him. Nick thought Brian would be happy that he managed to find a nice girl to spend time with, but he wasn’t. Was Rachel right? Was Brian really jealous of her?

Nick’s thoughts turned to Rachel and suddenly there was a smile on his face. Even after disowning his best friend and quitting his career, today was still the best day Nick had ever had in his life. Rachel was everything he needed. She made him feel whole. She trusted him to make his own decisions. No, she forced him to. She listened to him and wanted to help him. She wanted him to be happy, not rich, or famous, or grown-up. She didn’t try to change him. She liked him just the way he was. Nick may have only known her a week, but he realized that she was the kind of person you want to hang on to. He wanted to have her in his life forever. She was his best friend now. He didn’t need Brian anymore. He didn’t need any of them anymore. As long as he had Rachel, everything would be fine.

Nick felt better and decided to go to bed. He left the mostly empty bottle of liquor on the coffee table and stumbled up the stairs past the guest room Spencer had been sleeping in. He noticed the bathroom light was still on and when he went to shut it off, he found the combs he’d given Rachel sitting on the counter. He smiled as he picked them up and a memory of Rachel, standing on the beach like an exotic island goddess, forged Nick’s brain and he saw her for the first time, really saw her, in all her beauty.

She had soft hair that danced around her beautiful face. Her eyes were a brilliant emerald green and they sparkled when she smiled. They were so warm, and sincere, and when you looked into them it was as if she were inviting you to peek into her soul, and then somehow you could feel it in your heart that everything would be ok. Then she would smile.

At that moment, in Nick’s mind, there was never a more beautiful sight than when Rachel smiled at him. When those lips of hers curled up, forcing that sparkle to enter her eyes, nothing else in the world mattered. Those delicate, soft, delicious lips.

Nick’s mouth began to water. The picture in his mind was so clear that he could practically taste Rachel’s lips on his. Nick realized how desperately he needed her. He didn’t want her to just be his friend. He wanted to feel her, and taste her. He wanted to explore every inch of her. He wanted to love her.

Nick was now full of passion and he clumsily sped across town to Rachel’s apartment. She needed to know. He needed to tell her. He needed to snatch her up before anyone else had the chance to. He was not going to screw this one up, he couldn’t. Rachel was the best thing that had ever happened to him.

Rachel had fallen asleep on the sofa watching Leno, but was startled awake by the urgent pounding on her door, followed by Nick’s voice. “Rachel? Rachel, it’s me, Nick. Open up,” he called.

Rachel feared something was wrong and hurried to the door. “What is it? Are you alright?” she asked as she opened the door.

Their eyes locked and Nick immediately threw his lips upon hers. Cupping her face delicately in his hands, he kissed her with every ounce of passion he had in his heart. Rachel had never been pursued in such a manner in all her life and briefly gave in to the moment, allowing Nick’s tongue to slip between her lips. When he pulled her into his arms, Rachel snapped back to reality and freed herself from Nick’s grip. “Nick what are you doing?” she whispered.

“I’m sorry Rachel, I just had to. I don’t want to just be friends with you. I want more than that. I want a relationship.”

Rachel could smell the alcohol on Nick’s breath. “You’re drunk Nick, you don’t know what you want.”

“But I do, Rachel. For the first time in my life I know exactly what I want. I want you.”

Rachel took a step back. This was exactly what she didn’t want to happen. She smiled sweetly and pulled Nick through the door. “Go sit down,” she said closing the door behind him.

Nick sat on the couch, watching Rachel with an excited expression, but he hadn’t given up yet. Rachel sat down next to him and took his hand in hers. “Look, I had an amazing day.”

“Me too! I haven’t felt like this in so long and I owe it all too you. Don’t you see? You make me happy.”

“Nick,” Rachel whispered, shaking her head.

Nick ignored Rachel’s protest. “In one week you’ve made me happier than I’ve been in years, you understand me.”

Nick began slowly running his fingers through Rachel’s hair. “You’re smart, and funny, and caring.” He said gazing deeply into her eyes, inching his face closer to hers. “And beautiful.”

Nick again tried to kiss Rachel but she gently pushed him away. “No, Nick,” she said sadly.

Rachel was unable to look up. She didn’t want to see the look on Nick’s face. “I swear to you, this isn’t just because today was fun, and it has nothing to do with my fight with Brian. Trust me, I know this is what I really want.”

Rachel managed to pull her eyes up to meet Nick’s. Even in his drunken state, she could tell he meant what he said. Tears filled her eyes as she tried to find the right words. “That’s really sweet Nick,” she said trying her hardest not to cry, “but I know what I want too. And I know what I don’t want. I can’t be in a relationship right now.”

The reality of what was happening started to catch up to Nick, and he sunk back deeply into the couch. Rachel could see the pain she was causing the poor man. She hated that it had to be this way but she really didn’t see any other choice. Nick stared at his lap and didn’t say a word.

Rachel swallowed back a sob. “I’m so sorry,” she croaked.

“I can’t blame you,” Nick muttered and wiped a tear from his cheek. “It was stupid of me to think I had a chance with you. I couldn’t keep a girl like Paris, and she doesn’t even compare to you.”

More tears fell from Nick’s face and Rachel’s heart broke for him. She couldn’t hold back her sobs any longer. “You deserve so much better Paris Hilton, Nick!” she said mustering all the strength she had. Nick needed her to be strong right now. “Or me. I’m a mess, Nick. I’m insecure, and I’m scared. I’m untrusting, and bitter. Christ Nick, I’m a single mother. Trust me, you don’t want to get involved with me.”

Rachel looked Nick straight in the eyes and grasped his hand tightly. She wanted so badly for him to understand. “I was hurt Nick. I was hurt really bad and I haven’t moved past it. And I don’t think you have either. You’re going through a rough spot in your life right now. You’ve got a lot of things you need to figure out, and that’s no way to enter into a relationship. I want to be there for you. I want to help you get through this, but I just can’t get involved romantically. That’s not what I want.”

Nick nodded his head, more in defeat than understanding. He was hurt but Rachel was right. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.

Rachel threw her arms around Nick and he tucked his head under her chin. She held him tightly and rubbed her hand over his fuzzy head. “Don’t be sorry,” she whispered back. “You are a wonderful man, Nick Carter. You’re talented, and thoughtful, and passionate. One day you’re going to make someone the luckiest woman on the planet.”

Nick looked at Rachel, wanting desperately to believe her words, but he had a hard time doing that. Who would ever want him now? The only thing he believed he ever had going for him was being part of the Backstreet Boys and now that was all over. All he would be now was some washed up pop star with a bit of a drinking problem. The ray of hope that the day had brought quickly vanished, and the morbid thoughts of suicide that used to entertain his brain began slowly creeping into the back of his mind.

He barely realized that he was sitting in the arms of someone who cared very much for him and his mind began to race with panic. He began breathing rapidly and his body shook violently as he sobbed.

Rachel went into the kitchen and retrieved a glass of water and a small brown paper bag. After rummaging through her medicine cupboard for a moment, she returned to Nick. She handed him the bag and instructed him to hold over his nose and mouth. “Breathe into this for a minute,” she said and wrapped herself tightly around him again.

The bag flocculated rapidly at first and then, as Nick began to calm down, it took a rest. Once calm, Rachel told Nick he could remove the bag. He starred at her with wondering eyes. “How’d you know that would work?”

Rachel smiled lovingly and kissed Nick’s forehead. “Anxiety attacks are first year pre-med stuff. Apparently they expect med students to suffer quite a few throughout the years. Personally, I’m a pro.”

Nick cracked a smile. He still had a hard time picturing Rachel as a doctor. Not that he didn’t think she was smart enough, its just that most of the people he’d ever known were in the entertainment industry and, ironically, a doctor just seemed like one of those jobs you only see on TV. “Thanks,” he said somewhat sheepishly.

“Are you going to make me ask what has you so upset?”

Nick sighed. How did she always know? “I quit tonight,” he replied without even attempting to fight it, “After I told Brian to get out of my life forever, I called Johnny and told him I wasn’t going to be a Backstreet Boy anymore.”

Rachel tried not to gasp from surprise. She didn’t know what happened after she left, but whatever it was it must have been bad. She pulled Nick into a tight hug and Nick absorbed her energy, feeding off her calmness about it all. “Whatever you decide, Nick, it will be ok. We’ll worry about it tomorrow when you can think more clearly,” Rachel said, handing him the glass of water and two small white pills. “Here. You should take this. It’ll help you get some rest.”

“Didn’t they teach you that alcohol and sleeping pills don’t mix?”

“It’s Tylonol PM, smart ass. I’m not gonna kill ya,” Rachel teased and then more sweetly said, “Should help ease the tension in the morning too.”

Nick smiled a thank you and took the pills. “Maybe I should get going before this stuff starts to kick in.”

“You’re not going anywhere mister. You’re lucky you didn’t kill yourself, or anyone else, on the way here driving in your condition. I’m not giving you another chance. You can crash right here tonight,” Rachel replied patting the sofa and then jumped up.

She returned with some bedding for Nick and then retreated to her room eager to lie down. “Rachel?” Nick called after her. She looked back questioningly. “Thank you.”

Rachel smiled. “Goodnight Nick.”

Chapter 10

When Nick pulled his eyes open the following day his surroundings were very bright. He reacted with a groan and instantly pinched them shut again. Even though he’d had worse hangovers, he had blackout curtains in his bedroom that he always kept closed in order to keep the sunlight out. At first, it was so that when he was really jetlagged after a long flight he could still get some sleep, but lately it seemed he used them more to shield himself when he woke up with an alcohol induced headache.

The fact that his shades weren’t pulled right now had Nick confused. His first thought was that Kevin decided to stop by and thought it would be amusing to wake him up, Kevin could be a pain in the ass like that, but then Nick stretched his legs and realized that he didn’t have enough room to fully extend them. “What the hell?” he said with another groan.

Nick opened his eyes again, despite the headache and the unwelcome sunshine, and took in his surroundings. He was on a couch and it took him a moment to recognize it as Rachel’s couch. As hard as he tried, he couldn’t remember what he was doing at Rachel’s. The last thing he did remember was lying down on his couch after his fight with Brian. “Oh God,” he said as he remembered the things he’d said to his ex-best friend.

Nick pulled himself to a sitting position and glanced around the room. He squinted as he picked up a hand written note off the coffee table in front of him.

Nicky,

Nick was surprised when he smiled. Normally he hated being called Nicky, but when he imagined it escaping Rachel’s lips it sounded more like a term of endearment than a condescending nickname. Nick’s daydream was interrupted when he became puzzled. If Rachel was leaving him a note it meant she was gone. He looked up at the small clock on the DVD player and was shocked to find that it was nearly three. Nick curiously read the rest of the note.

I knew you were out of it when Spencer didn’t wake you this morning, and you had such a rough night that I decided it was best to just let you sleep. You were pretty wasted last night so if you’re hurting, take these…


Nick cringed. Whatever happened, he must have looked like a complete ass last night. He glanced up and found a couple of prescription pills sitting on the coffee table and smiled to himself thinking that being friends with a doctor could have its advantages.

I had to go to work, but feel free to shower and all that. Sorry there’s not much, but eat whatever you can find. Feel better, and try not to freak out too much. Things are gonna be ok, I promise. I’ll be home around 7. We’ll talk then.

Rachel

“God I’m such a dink,” Nick grumbled as he heaved himself from the sofa. He didn’t know exactly what a dink was, but it sounded good to him at the time.

He grabbed the pills and wandered into the kitchen and ass he washed down the medication, his brain tried desperately to piece together the foggy images he had of the previous night’s events. He figured a nice hot shower might help clear it up for him, so he found his way to the bathroom. Again, he smiled to himself when he found a set of towels had been placed on the counter, obviously set out for him.

Nick wasted no time stripping the clothes from his body and let the hot water release his tension. As he stood there thinking that his muscles were unusually stiff, he remembered Rachel telling him he could sleep on her couch because he was too drunk to drive home. That memory set his brain in motion and he slowly worked his way backward, piecing together the mystery as if he were Inspector Clouseau solving a crime.

The first thing that came to mind, was his wonderful little panic episode where he’d cried his eyes out in Rachel’s arms like some sort of hormone-crazed woman. Nick was amazed that Rachel still talked to him. He was such a pathetic mess right now. He shook his head in disgust, and tried to remember what brought on the attack in the first place. “Shit!”

Nick suddenly realized that in his drunken state he’d made a very angry call to his manager, letting him know what a bastard Brian was, and that he would no longer be able to work with him, so he gave his immediate resignation. He knew Johnny would recognize just how drunk he’d been when he made the call, and he knew that he would be allowed to take it back, but the truth was, that even though he’d quit in anger, Nick wasn’t so sure he would want to come back. Part of him wanted to quit out of spite, part of him wanted to quit so that he would be taken seriously for once, and then part of him just needed to escape it all.

With a heavy sigh, Nick sunk to the floor of the shower and pulled his knees tightly to his chest. He didn’t cry, he simply sat there letting his mind take it all in. Eventually when the water hinted that it was about to turn cold on him, Nick quickly scrubbed himself down. He wrinkled his nose when the only soap he had to choose from was Johnson’s Baby body wash and some weird girly mango-melon stuff. Nick finally went with the latter, and, as he rubbed the soap all over him, he was reminded of Rachel. She always seemed to smell good enough to eat and now he knew why.

That train of thoughts quickly led Nick to the reason for his spontaneous visit. He’d kissed her, and she’d turned him down. Nick turned off the water and was overcome with depression. After wrapping a towel around his waist, Nick leaned over the counter and starred into the mirror glaring at his own reflection. “Of course she turned you down, ya jackass. You were drunk as shit and cried like a fucking six year old.”

With another heavy sigh, and a curse under his breath, Nick got dressed and made his way back into the living room. He folded up his blankets and set them neatly in a pile on the couch. He sat for a moment, trying to figure out what to do next, but he drew a blank, having never felt more lost in all his life. What was he supposed to do next? Where was he supposed to go from here? He no longer had a job or any kind of responsibility. Now that he was starring freedom in the face, he realized just how scary it was.

Nick decided that looking at the big picture right now was just too overwhelming so he decided to focus on life as he was faced with it, just five minutes at a time, and these next five minutes were calling for a toothbrush and a fresh change of clothes. Nick picked up his wallet and cell phone from the coffee table and slipped them into his pants pocket. His car keys, however, were not on the table where he’d set them. He patted himself down and glanced around the room but the keys were nowhere to be found.

Nick figured that Rachel must have taken them last night, afraid that he might try to drive home after she went to bed, so he quit looking. He called Rachel’s cell phone but was met with her voice mail and hung up without leaving a message. When he flipped his phone shut he noticed that he had 32 missed calls. “Fuck,” He grumbled as his anger rose to the surface.

Nick should have known that this was going to happen. He knew that everyone would call him, and he knew, without listening to any of the messages, what they were all saying. Nick, we’re worried about you, you can’t quit, we love you man. Nick smirked bitterly and his blood began to boil. Sure you love me, because you need me.

Nick thumbed through all the messages. The majority of the calls were from Brian. He was, no doubt, calling to apologize. That was the thing about Brian. The man had somewhat of a short temper, but he was always very quick to say he was sorry. The thought never even once crossed Nick’s mind to call Brian back. He was sure that if he did, after his apology, he would get a lecture about how evil this girl was and how she manipulated him into making the biggest mistake of his life. At this point, Nick was quite satisfied never saying another word to Brian ever again.

There were calls from the other four guys as well, with Kevin earning the second most frequent caller award. This didn’t surprise Nick either. Kevin was always playing the roll of the Backstreet Daddy. Nick was sure that Kevin didn’t play the part for the power trip; he genuinely felt the responsibility. He was the oldest, and naturally the most mature, so it always fell in his lap to look out for the rest of the guys whether he wanted to or not. There were times, especially during the dark days of the Black and Blue era, that Nick was sure Kevin hated the job, but he never gave up and he never would, Nick knew that.

Howie and AJ both called as well, which was only to be expected, but they each had different intentions. Howie was the type of man who was deep and philosophical. He was always ready to talk about feelings and then doll out advice. AJ on the other hand, while still concerned for his youngest brother, was more likely calling to get all the details. AJ lived to stick his nose in everyone’s business and always wanted all the gossip. It could get annoying sometimes, yet he was always able to make Nick feel better because he would let him vent and then happily talk a little shit for a while to help him get it out of his system. For a moment Nick actually considered returning his call, but if anyone were going to be able to talk him into not quitting, he knew AJ would be the one.

The news of Nick’s departure obviously hadn’t traveled beyond the guys and Johnny, or Nick would have been flooded with messages from everyone he knew. As it was, other than the guys, Johnny was the only other one who called. It wasn’t that Nick disliked Johnny, actually the guy was an excellent manager, but Johnny was all business. He was most definitely calling to talk Nick into staying with the group. He was probably hoping to schedule some kind of meeting with all the guys to discuss the problem. Nick wouldn’t be surprised if he had a therapist lined up to sit in on the whole matter, as if it were some kind of demented family counseling session.

Nick decided not to return any of the calls. He didn’t even listen to a single message until he got to the very last number in his missed call list. He smiled at the number he’d spent the last week memorizing, and then quickly dialed into his voice mail, anxious to hear the sound of her voice. “Hey Nick,” the message played, “I’m almost to work now, but Spencer’s daycare lady called and told me she found Spencer with keys to a very expensive car. I figured they had to be yours.”

Rachel laughed and Nick grinned at the sound. “Don’t worry,” she continued, “I didn’t tell her whose they were so she won’t be selling them on the black market or anything. Anyway, if you’re still around, I figure you could use a place to hide out for the day so feel free to hang around until we come back and I’ll bring your keys home with me. Sorry if I caused you any trouble. See you around seven.”

Nick quickly glanced at the clock and sighed; it was barely four pm. He still had three hours to wait before she would be there. Nick was surprised at how badly he wanted to see her. Even though she said no to a relationship, she still wanted to be his friend, and he needed one of those. Rachel was right, now was not the time for Nick to be getting involved with someone. He knew the next few months were going to be a bit hectic as he dealt with the aftermath of leaving the Backstreet Boys. It wouldn’t be fair to ask Rachel to suffer through it with him. Nick figured that after the hype died down, and he had a little better hold of his life, then he would be ready and could try again. After all, Rachel hadn’t rejected him necessarily as much as she rejected the idea of a boyfriend in general.

Maybe there was still hope for him and Rachel. Nick decided the best thing he could do was get his act together and make sure to always be a good friend to her. Once he’d decided on that, Nick started to feel a little better so he wandered into the bathroom hoping she might have an extra toothbrush somewhere. He found one in the medicine cabinet, but he also found something that troubled him.

Nick didn’t mean to rummage through Rachel’s private things, but on his quest for clean teeth he found a couple bottles of prescription medication. He couldn’t help his curiosity, and glanced at the names on the bottles. He recognized one to be the sleeping pills that he’d used several times throughout his career. All the guys needed them every now and again when their glob trotting interfered with their sleeping. And the second bottle, he was sure he’d seen advertised on TV as an anti depressant.

The thought of Rachel being on anti depressants pained Nick. He didn’t want Rachel to feel that way, ever. The revelation was shocking. Rachel seemed to be so happy. The longer Nick thought about it though, the more he realized just how little he knew about Rachel. She seemed to have this deep, dark past that she kept hidden. It was obvious that the subject of Spencer’s father was a very sore one, but Rachel never mentioned a family either. She said she was new in town, but she never talked about her past or why she left it behind her. In fact, Rachel never talked about herself at all.

Nick was more than just curious now; he was concerned. What exactly had she been through and just how much was she haunted by it? Nick resolved to find out the truth and do whatever he could to help her. He figured it would not be easy to get her to open up and plopped himself back down on the couch in order to think up a plan. As he pondered different ways to approach the topic, the pain in his head dissipated, leaving him relaxed enough to fall back to sleep. Then, the combination of hangover, depression, and prescription painkillers that Rachel had left for him, kept Nick in a dream world until Rachel and Spencer arrived home.

Nick woke up when he heard Spencer pounding on the front door, yelling for his mother to hurry. His first instinct was to be excited but then, as he thought back on their last encounter, he realized just how awkward the situation really was. Nick was not sure how Rachel was going to feel when she saw him. She hadn’t seemed awkward last night, but then, Nick was still very drunk. Now that he was sober he wondered if it would be a different story.

Nick nervously got to his feet just as Rachel pushed the front door open. He forced a smile but never had the chance to feel awkward, because the minute Rachel got through the door she excitedly jumped into his arms and plastered a big wet kiss on him.

Nick was shocked to say the least. He couldn’t help but laugh as he held the overjoyed woman tightly in his arms, but the surprise on his face made Rachel blush. “I’m sorry,” she laughed, “I’m just so glad you’re still here! I just had the best day and I can’t wait to tell you about it, so get your shoes on cause I’m taking you and Spence out to dinner!”

Still somewhat speechless, Nick grinned like a fool and laughed the word, “OK.”

Nick barely had time to tie his shoes before Spencer was tugging on his hand, whining for him to come. Nick picked up the little guy and followed Rachel to her car. Twenty minutes later Nick glanced curiously at Rachel as she exited the freeway in a less-classy part of Burbank. Nick looked at an old, half-empty strip mall and laughed. “This must be some restaurant to drive all the way to Burbank for.”

“I have a strange feeling you won’t be disappointed,” Rachel giggled.

She had not yet told him where they were going, or why her day was so wonderful, but Nick didn’t mind the suspense. It was actually a very good distraction for him and the happy energy Rachel was exuding was becoming infectious. Nick’s plan to talk to her about her past had flown out the window the moment she walked in the door. The only thing he could think about was the warm greeting he’d received.

Nick kept replaying the moment over and over in his mind. It had happened so fast and yet it was a moment he would never forget. The funny thing was that it had nothing to do with the excited kiss he’d received. The kiss in itself had been completely innocent. While he’d enjoyed it, there were no sparks behind it. There was no sexual tension, and it didn’t leave him lusting for more. What got to Nick was the way Rachel lit up when she saw him, and the words she’d said. I’m just so glad you’re still here! I just had the best day and I can’t wait to tell you about it.

Rachel had been excited to see him, relieved even, and when something wonderful happened to her she wanted to share it with him. Rachel wanted Nick to be a part of her life and he knew that now. The way she jumped into his arms, sharing her joy, told Nick that she truly cared about him. Her attachment may be purely plutonic, but it was genuine. She was a true friend and that relieved Nick more than he ever expected. Since he’d met her he couldn’t get over the feelings of doubt. His self-conscious mind kept telling him that she was only being kind to him because she felt bad for him, but now he knew the truth.

Nick was ripped from his thoughts when Rachel pulled into a parking lot and turned off the engine to her car. Nick looked up curiously and laughed when he saw a giant Rat staring down at him. “Chuck E. Cheese’s?” He laughed.

“I assume pizza, games, and large jungle gyms are something you and Spencer like in common,” Rachel smirked.

Nick gave her a guilty shrug and then sighed, “I haven’t been to one of these since I was a little kid.”

“Well then we’d better get inside,” Rachel laughed glancing at her watch, “because the place is only open for another hour and a half.”

Nick happily carried Spencer across the parking lot and when they stepped inside both of their eyes glossed over at all the sights, sounds, and smells. They grinned at one another and then both peered at Rachel with anxious looks, as she walked in the door behind them. “All right,” she laughed as they each got their hands stamped, “I’ll order the pizza, you guys go and play.”

“I like plain cheese,” Nick replied playfully as he carted his new playmate off in the direction of the ball pit.

Rachel shook her head, amazed at how childlike Nick seemed sometimes, but she had to admit, she was glad for Spencer to have the male companionship. She ordered the pizza and then went in search of Nick and Spencer. They weren’t hard to find though. Nick had somehow gotten a ball stuck in one of the ski ball machines and he was holding Spencer upside-down over the plastic casing in order to reach the lodged ball. The two of them were quite the pair. Spencer grabbed the ball and then dropped it in the middle hole earning the most points possible. “Way to go squirt,” Nick laughed and then pulled him back over the barrier.

“Didn’t anyone tell you that’s cheating?”

Nick whirled around with redness creeping into his cheeks at the sound of Rachel’s voice. “The ball was stuck,” he shrugged, trying to sound innocent.

He relaxed when Rachel cracked a smile. “What’s the matter Nick? Can’t score the points without help?”

“I can score more than you,” Nick challenged.

“I don’t doubt it considering I haven’t scored in…” Rachel thought for a moment and then laughed, “Well let’s just say a while.”

Nick was surprised by the remark and gave Rachel a curious look as he wondered just how long it had been for her. As his mind drifted on to the subject of Rachel and sex, his cheeks began to flush. He instantly pushed those thoughts away, knowing it would only cause trouble. “I don’t know where your dirty little mind is,” he teased, “but I was talking about the game.”

“You think you can beat me at ski ball?” Rachel laughed.

“One way to find out.”

Rachel accepted the challenge and the two found themselves lost in a vigorous battle of ski ball, not to mention an immature trash-talking match. Spencer sat on the floor between them happily grabbing the tickets that the two machines spit at him. At the end of the first game Nick was the one smiling victoriously. “See?”

“I wasn’t warmed up yet,” Rachel protested. “Best two out of three.”

Nick grinned and then put another token in his machine. He and Rachel battled it out two more times and eventually Rachel came out on top. Nick pretended to pout but then laughed and bowed to the superior ski ball player. “You see? Today is my lucky day.” Rachel laughed.

“Yeah, and you haven’t told me all about this amazing day yet.”

Just then, the intercom called out their number announcing that their pizza was now ready. “Perfect,” Rachel said. “I’ll tell you all about it over pizza.”

Minutes later Rachel was watching both Nick and Spencer practically inhale a large extra cheese pizza. “Man this tastes good,” Nick said, “I haven’t eaten all day.”

“Nothing?” Rachel questioned, “I told you to help yourself.”

“I know, but honestly, I slept most of the day.”

“I wondered. How ya feeling anyway?”

Nick sighed, there were so many ways to answer that question and most of them involved killing the mood. “Well my hangover’s gone. Thanks for the pills, by the way, but before I get the chance to drag us down, you were going to tell me why you had such a great day.”

Rachel smiled and her whole face lit up. “Well for starters, I sort of got a promotion.”

Nick’s reaction to Rachel’s news was instant and it was sincere. He knew nothing about being a doctor, and had no idea what kind of promotion she could get, but he knew she was fairly new at it and he was truly proud of her. “Wow Rachel, that’s awesome! Congratulations.”

“Thanks.”

“What kind of promotion?”

“Well, every year someone who just finished their residency is appointed the Chief resident over all the newbies and they are allowed to pick one person to be their assistant. I know it doesn’t sound like much, but that person is usually the one picked to be the Chief resident when they’re finished and that’s a really good place to be. If I could be Chief resident at a hospital like Cedar’s, then I would be pretty much guaranteed a job at any hospital in the country.”

Nick’s heart jumped but he kept the smile plastered on his face. “Where would you want to go?” he asked hoping his concern was well hidden.

“I don’t know, I’ve never really thought about it. I just like the idea of having a choice. But,” Rachel sighed, “That’s years away still so I have a little time to figure it all out.”

Nick released the breath he’d been holding and decided to move the conversation along before Rachel realized that the thought of her leaving made him nervous. Rachel hadn’t noticed any of Nick’s behavior though, because her mind was still off in it’s own little world. “It’s such a relief though, you know, because I worked so hard for this and I really, really thought I didn’t have a prayer.”

Nick gave Rachel a sour look, thinking that her statement was just silly. He was sure that she was the best damn doctor on the whole planet, but, seeing the hint of her insecurity made Nick remember his whole plan to help her overcome her past. He’d decided earlier that asking her about her family was probably a better starting off point than Spencer’s father, so he took a breath and then carefully brought up the subject. “I bet your parents are very proud of you,” he said, “have you told them the good news yet?”

Nick cringed inwardly when he saw the look on Rachel’s face. She continued to smile but the life had faded from her eyes. Nick, of all people, should have realized that since she’d never mentioned them, her family might be as sore a subject as her past relationships.

Rachel cast her eyes down at her pizza. “I’m sure they are,” she sighed and then forced her eyes back up to meet Nick’s. “My parents passed away a long time ago.”

Nick cursed himself under his breath, so much for his plan to find out about her past. “I’m sorry,” he muttered.

Rachel smiled at him. “It’s ok,” she said. “you didn’t know.”

Nick could see Rachel holding back tears and he reached across the table and scooped her hand into his. He was surprised at how forcefully she squeezed his fingers. Rachel was hurting deeply and it broke his heart. “Are you alright?” he whispered.

It was almost as if Nick’s voice snapped Rachel from a trance. She pulled her hand from Nick’s, took a deep breath, and then smiled really big at her son. “I’m good,” she said but Nick could tell it was a lie, “but it’s way past his bedtime, and this place is about to close, so we should probably get going.”

Nick just nodded his head. He knew Rachel was no longer in the mood she’d been in before and he hated himself for killing it. He was now convinced that Rachel needed to open up to him, but now, in public, and in front of her son, was not the time for it. Nick could wait until they were alone.

Chapter 11

Once back at Rachel’s house Nick carried Spencer to his crib and took the sleeping toddlers’ shoes off his feet. As he covered him with a blanket, his thoughts danced around the scary idea of being a parent. Rachel heard his heavy sigh as he shut the bedroom door behind him. “It’s exhausting isn’t it?” She laughed. “Imagine doing it 24/7.”

Nick fell to the sofa, tired at the mere idea, causing Rachel to laugh. “I don’t know how you do it. I can’t imagine being responsible for someone like that.”

Rachel plopped down next to him. “I don’t think anyone really knows how they do it, they just do it. Spencer makes it easy though, he’s a good kid.”

Nick smirked, “I’d probably get a little monster.”

Rachel giggled, but didn’t respond and things stayed quiet for a minute until Rachel noticed the note she’d left Nick that morning sitting on the coffee table. She quickly sat straight up, startling Nick. “Oh my gosh, we haven’t talked about last night! You quit your job! Did you talk to anyone about it today? I can’t believe I forgot Nick, I’m so sorry.”

Nick cringed on the inside, thinking that it was finally time for things to get awkward between them. She may have been thinking about his job, but Nick’s thoughts were on a more pressing issue at the moment. “It’s ok,” he said. “To be honest, I was hoping you’d forget about last night. We’re probably better off that way.”

Nick saw the confusion in Rachel’s eyes and he knew she still didn’t comprehend his meaning. He hated to have to actually say the words, but they needed to be said. “I’m really sorry I kissed you.”

Rachel’s countenance changed at the mention of Nick’s drunken blunder. Her energy seemed to drain from her body and it pained Nick to see it. On the bright side, he was relieved to see the smile was still on her face. “It’s ok. You had a rough night,” she said gently.

“Still, you told me from the beginning, just friends. I should have respected that.”

Rachel eyed him curiously and then smirked. “I could have sworn you were in the anti-relationship club with me.”

Nick shrugged. He’d spent plenty of time trying to figure out what he was going to say to her today, and he’d convinced himself that he would say he didn’t mean it, but he did mean it. He meant every word of it. And now that he was faced with it, he couldn’t lie to her. “I was, but I didn’t know you when I said that.”

Rachel felt really terrible. She’d expected Nick to apologize and give the ‘I was drunk’ excuse, but he didn’t. He wasn’t even denying the things he’d told her last night and Rachel was surprised by how defeated he still seemed. She forced back her shock with a deep breath and then sighed. “I’m sorry Nick. You don’t hate me now, do you?”

Nick couldn’t believe what he was hearing. How could he hate her? He was pretty sure that she was the one who would hate him now. “Of coarse not. I could never hate you. I thought about what you said, and you’re right. I’m pretty messed up. Now is not the time to be getting into a relationship.”

“I didn’t mean it like that.”

“It’s ok. Look, I know I have problems, big problems. I screw up everything. But I don’t want to screw this up. You mean too much to me.” Nick couldn’t believe that he was able to smile, but he did, and it was sincere. “No more drunken displays of affection, I promise.”

“And no more drunk driving,” Rachel added sternly. “I don’t want to have to save your life some day.”

Nick crossed his heart and Rachel kissed his cheek. The two exchanged smiles once more and then silence returned to the small apartment. It was peaceful though, and that’s what had Nick stumped. Someone whom he desired very much to be with had just rejected him, and yet somehow she left him feeling calm and hopeful. It was an amazing feeling. “Forget medicine,” he laughed, “you should have majored in psychology. I swear I should be paying you by the hour.”

Rachel smirked but didn’t have time to respond before Nick surprised her with a question. “How come you became a doctor? Did you always know that was what you wanted to do?”

It was a simple question, and a perfectly logical one. Nick was surprised when Rachel hesitated to answer it. Rachel’s face went pale, and seeing her pain made Nick want to tell her she didn’t have to answer, but he couldn’t get the words out. He was so curious that he just stared at her, waiting for some kind of explanation. “It was my parents,” she finally confessed. “I became a doctor because of my parents.”

Nick waited for Rachel to collect herself before speaking again. The mere mention of her parents nearly brought tears to her eyes. “Will you tell me about it?”

Rachel froze at the request and started to say something that Nick knew would eventually be a no, but Nick wasn’t ready to take no for an answer. “Please?” he pleaded quietly. “I’ve been more honest with you than anyone else in my life. I want to know you the same way you know me.”

“It’s not that easy, Nick.”

“I just want to understand. I want to be there for you and help if I can, like you’ve done for me.”

Tears filled Rachel’s eyes as she shook her head. “I’m sorry Nick, I don’t know what else to say. I just can’t.”

Nick had known disappointment in his life, and was a pro at rejection, but Rachel refusing to open up was pain that he never knew existed. He imagined it felt like being told you only have weeks to live. After everything they’d been through, and all that he’d divulged to her, she didn’t trust him. It was a devastating blow and he couldn’t take any more. He forced a smile, but Rachel knew he was upset and she felt panicky in her heart when he pulled himself from the couch. “You’ve had a really long day.” He said, “I should let you get some rest.”

“You don’t have to leave.”

The offer was kind, but Nick didn’t have the heart to stay. “No, I should go,” He said in defeat as he kissed Rachel’s cheek and smiled sweetly before making his way to the door. “Good night, Rachel.”

The door closed quietly behind him but it hurt so bad that it still felt as if he’d slammed it. Rachel’s eyes filled with tears as she stared at the closed door helplessly. She knew she’d hurt him and she hated herself for it, but she’d trusted a man before and it was the worst mistake she’d ever made and she just wasn’t ready to open up to him.

On the other side of the door Nick stood there, secretly hoping that Rachel would stop him from leaving. When she didn’t come, he felt the full force of his pain hit him all at once, and suddenly, his heart was overwhelmed with the feeling of despair. His life was turned upside down and the one person who’d given him hope had just broken his heart.

He drove across town, anxiously anticipating the security of his bed. He wanted to just crawl deep under the covers and never come out, but as he got closer to his home he knew he would never be allowed to do that. Kevin was probably sitting in front of his house waiting for him right now. He was sure to have all sorts of advice and lectures that Nick just didn’t want to hear, so instead of going home, Nick found himself getting on the freeway headed in the direction of Las Vegas.

***

Nearly a week later Rachel was in the employee room, just coming off of her shift, when Crystal entered the room with a giddy smile. “You have a visitor,” she said trying not to squeak.

Rachel’s heart jumped in her chest, knowing that Crystal would only be this excited if it were Nick. She hadn’t spoken to him since he left her house that night and was really beginning to worry about him. It was partially her fault too, she hadn’t exactly called him either, but she knew she’d upset him when she’d turned him down and she didn’t really know what to say to him now. She was sure he hated her.

She was relieved that he was coming to her first, and surprised at how excited she was to see him again. She quickly gathered her things and headed out of the room, but her heart sank when she rounded the corner and saw AJ standing near the reception desk. She forced an awkward smile when their eyes met and it was clear that AJ was just as uneasy. “Can I help you?” she asked flatly.

AJ smiled nervously then asked, “Did you get the flowers?”

“Yeah,” Rachel said starting to let go of her hostility as she remembered that Brian was the evil one and not AJ. “They actually made me feel a little better, so thank you.”

“Brian told me what happened the other night, and I know you must hate us all right now, but I was really hoping we could talk?”

“I have enough drama in my life, ok? I really don’t need to get in the middle of this too.”

“Please?” AJ asked softly, “It’s about Nick.”

Rachel really didn’t want to get too involved with the other Backstreet Boys because she really didn’t want them trying to convince her of anything on Nick’s behalf, but there was a hint of desperation in AJ’s voice that worried her. Nick hadn’t talked to her in almost a week now and she was worried that something was wrong with him. Whatever it was, it was clear that AJ didn’t want to discuss it in public, so Rachel gave in to her curiosity and sighed. “Fine,” she said and began walking down the hall. She stopped and looked back at AJ when he didn’t follow her. “You coming?” she said gesturing toward the door.

AJ looked a little relieved and quickly caught up to her. He was a little confused when Rachel opened the door of her car for him, but he still climbed into the passenger seat. “I’ve got to go pick up my son from daycare right now,” she explained, “so you have about 20 minutes to say whatever it is you need to say.”

“I’m sorry to bother you like this, but I just didn’t know what else to do. Nick’s been gone for like a week and we can’t find him anywhere, he hasn’t even called any of his friends. He’s pissed as hell at all of us, and I thought if he was going to talk to anyone, it would be you.”

Rachel was flattered by the thought and worried about Nick, but for some reason she couldn’t help her feelings of bitterness towards the Backstreet Boys, and had a hard time controlling her hostility. “Sorry to burst your bubble, but I haven’t heard from him either. And quite frankly, I’m not sure he didn’t do the right thing. After that fight with Brian, and quitting his job like that, I bet the man could use a little space.”

AJ’s eyes grew wide with a glimmer of hope. “How did you know he quit?”

“Because he showed up at my place that night, drunk out of his mind, and told me all about it.”

“So he did come to you.”

“Yeah, he crashed on my couch that night and stayed until late the next evening.”

“Have you talked to him since then? Has he called you?”

Rachel’s face dropped at the question, and not only could AJ tell the answer was no, he knew there was a problem. His natural instinct for doling out relationship advice took over and he asked what happened. “It’s nothing,” Rachel replied.

“I know I’m a stranger and all, but I know Nick, and if you two are having some kind of problem I might be able to help you understand what’s going on in that crazy head of his.”

Rachel really didn’t want to explain all the details to AJ but she did want to know more about Nick. He was always willing to tell her anything she wanted to know, but he’d left so abruptly the other night after he told her it was ok that she didn’t want to be in a relationship. Rachel was really curious what AJ could tell him about Nick’s dating habits so she let go a sigh and began to spill everything that had happened between them. AJ was surprisingly easy to talk to and before she knew it, they were having their conversation over dinner.

Rachel discovered a lot about Nick that night. AJ told her a little about his home life, and all the trouble he’s had with relationships because of it. She understood now, at least a little, why Nick was so upset the other night. It seemed to her that Nick was desperate to be loved. He was like a puppy without a home. He wanted to be close to Rachel. He’d asked her to let him in and she refused him.

Rachel hated herself for being so distant, especially when he’d been so wonderful. She wanted to let him in. She wanted him to know that she wasn’t rejecting him, so after she got home and put Spencer in bed, she fell to the couch and pulled out her cell phone. She flipped to Nick’s number and starred at it a moment before dialing. As she listened to it ring she began to get nervous. She knew that talking to him would mean confronting her past and she wasn’t sure she was ready for it, but she really didn’t want to lose Nick’s friendship, and if she didn’t talk to him she might do just that. She let go a deep breath when his voice mail picked up. “Hey Nick,” she said to the recording, “I just wanted to see how you’re doing. I’ve missed you this week. We need to talk. I want to apologize about the other night, and would like a chance to explain so please call me back.”

She hung up the phone with a sigh and then went to bed with a heavy heart.

Chapter 12

Nick woke up with a pounding headache, not knowing what time it was, or what time he got in last night. In fact, he wasn’t even sure what day it was or how long he’d been there. All he did know was that it had been a while, and getting away was not helping like he thought it would.

He actually felt worse than he did when he left. Sure he’d had some fun, and he’d gotten plenty of action, and sure the woman lying naked in his bed at the moment was totally hot, but she wasn’t Rachel, she was Mimi. Or was it Cici? Fifi? “Aw, hell, it doesn’t matter anyway,” He grumbled under his breath as he slipped out of bed.

On his way to the bathroom, Nick grabbed his cell phone trying to figure out what time it was, and when he saw that his voicemail box was completely full he sighed. Locking himself in, he filled the jacuzzi style tub and flipped through his call log as he let the hot water pound out his tight muscles.

Of course all of his messages were from the guys and his management. He didn’t care about any of those. The guys were not going to talk him out of quitting. He didn’t care that the guys sounded worried. He was glad they did. He hoped they were going out of their minds with worry. And he actually got a kick out of how angry his management sounded.

But then, in the middle of all the angry messages, came one sweet, sincere message asking Nick for the chance to apologize. It didn’t demand to know where he was like all the others, and it didn’t demand for him to come home. Instead she said she missed him and that she wanted to apologize. Nobody else missed him. Nobody else was sorry. It seemed that nobody else really cared about him; they just cared about how he affected them. But Rachel cared. She cared about him. And she missed him.

Rachel’s voice was the sweetest thing Nick had ever heard and he played the message over again just to hear it. On the third or fourth replay, Nick realized how sad she sounded and he felt awful for not even thinking to call her. She didn’t say she was worried, but she sounded like she was, and Nick hated that he’d caused her worry.

Nick listened to when the message was left and then nearly had a heart attack when he realized that the message was over a week old already. “Damnit!” he yelled as he remembered the last time he’d talked to her – the way he just walked out on her. “Carter, you’re such a jackass!”

Nick started to call her, but decided he owed it to her to talk to her in person. She was the only person in the world he cared about anymore, ad he didn’t want to screw it up with her. He quickly got himself clean and dressed, and kicked Mimi or Fifi or whoever she was out. It was time for him to go home.

Nick drove straight to Rachel’s apartment. By the time he got there, it was late, but he was relieved to see the dim light of the television was glowing through the curtains. He had no idea what he was going to say to her, and for a moment he nearly chickened out of knocking, but in the end, he just had to see her, so he tapped softly on the door.

Rachel answered the door in her robe and rubbed her eyes as if she’d been sleeping, but when she saw Nick her face lit up. She didn’t say a single word, she just smiled and then wrapped her arms around him. Nick relaxed the instant she touched him and pulled her tightly against him. Rachel rested her head against his shoulder and let out a deep happy sigh. “Hi,” she finally breathed, breaking their silence, but not their embrace.

Nick didn’t know why, but the simple greeting made him nearly cry. He smiled, kissed the side of her head, which was covered with wet hair, and whispered, “Hi,” back.

They stood there in silence a moment longer and eventually Rachel said, “Do you want to come in?”

“Yes.”

It took a few more seconds for either of them to move, and the second they pulled apart Nick was automatically craving having her in his arms again. The feeling was so overwhelming it hurt. He wanted to hold her for the rest of forever and never let go, but he couldn’t. As he came in and followed Rachel to the couch, he again remembered the last time he was here when he asked her to let him in and she’d refused him. Instantly, the feeling of grief and despair that had pushed Nick to skip town was back and he suddenly wasn’t sure if he wanted to be here or not.

“Thank you for coming,” Rachel said shyly as they sat down next to each other. “After the way you left last time, and then you wouldn’t return my call, I wasn’t sure I’d ever hear from you again. Nick I am so sorr-”

“Rachel, I can’t do this.”

Rachel was surprised by the interruption, and something in his voice stung. “What do you mean? Can’t do what?”

“I don’t think we should hang out anymore.”

“What?” Rachel felt her heart stop, but Nick was even more shocked than Rachel was. He’d just blurted it out, but now that he’d said it, he knew it was true. He couldn’t do it anymore.

“It hurts too much,” Nick confessed. “Rachel, you make me feel amazing. When I’m with you I feel like everything in my life is going to be ok. Like I can do anything, or be anyone I want. You make me happy. But somehow I always leave feeling worse than ever. How can one person do all that? You’re like a drug. I get high, and then I crash, and every time I see you it gets worse. I can’t take it anymore. I know you don’t want a relationship, but I can’t be just friends with you. I can’t.”

“I’m sorry Nick, I never meant to…” Rachel sat there frozen on the couch, unsure how to finish that sentence, and the tears falling down her cheeks killed Nick.

“I know you didn’t,” he said with a sad smile.

Nick Kissed Rachel’s forehead and then rose to leave. “Nick, wait!”

“I’m sorry, Rachel. I can’t.”

Rachel watched Nick walk across the room and her heart broke. She couldn’t let him walk out of her life for good. She jumped up and placed herself against the front door, blocking his exit. “Wait.”

Nick, his hand still on the doorknob, waited, confused, while Rachel stood there frantically trying to think of a way to fix their problem. She knew of only one, and she wasn’t sure it was a good idea. But if she was this desperate to keep him in her life, then maybe part of her did want to be with him. Maybe she was ready.

She stood there staring into Nick’s eyes, and then she pulled her gaze from his eyes to his lips. They were only inches from her own. All she had to do was raise herself up on her tiptoes and she they would meet, but could she do it? Could she kiss him? Could she step outside the safety of a friendship and make this something more? Could she take that risk again?

Nick understood her struggle. He knew what she was thinking about doing, but, as desperate as he was to kiss her, he didn’t dare make that decision for her. He waited patiently while Rachel fought herself internally, each second feeling like an eternity, and then, finally, her lips were on his.

She was shy about the way she touched him, scared, but Nick didn’t mind because she’d just made him the happiest man on Earth. Her lips barely clung to his as if this kiss was just a test to see if the world was going to fall apart as a result of it, so Nick stood still, forcing himself to do nothing more than endure it. He didn’t kiss her back. He didn’t pull her into his arms or sweep her off her feet the way he wanted to. He just continued to wait for her.

When Rachel pulled away she was trembling. Nick watched her carefully, unsure of what she was thinking or feeling, but Rachel didn’t know any more than he did. She was confused and scared, but it felt right. Kissing him felt good. It felt as good as having his arms around her.

Rachel looked Nick over again. He was so sweet just standing there, letting her take her time, not pushing at all. She decided it didn’t matter if she was ready or not. She had to take the chance because Nick was a really good man and she would be a fool to just let him go.

Without warning, she kissed him again, and this time there was desire in it. She threw her arms around Nick’s neck causing his patience to fly out the window, and he wasted no time pulling her into his arms.

Rachel could taste the passion in his kiss. She could feel the yearning in his body, and it awakened her dormant lust. It had been so long – years – since her body’s physical needs were attended to that she quickly became overwhelmed. “Stay!” she panted. “Stay here tonight.”

Even in the throes of passion, Rachel’s request surprised Nick so much that he froze. “Stay? As in… stay?”

“As in make love to me, Nick,” Rachel clarified as she spread kisses all over his neck. “Right now… Please? It’s been so long since... Way too long.”

Somewhere in the back of his mind, Nick wondered if this was a bad idea, but he wanted her so badly. And she did say please... “Ok,” Nick whispered and then accepted the hand Rachel held out to him.

Rachel led him to her room and then turned to face him when she reached the foot of her bed. “Are you sure?” Nick asked, in response to her timid smile.

“I’m sure,” she replied and then pulled Nick’s shirt over his head.

His skin felt like fire against her fingers as she dragged them down his chest. She shivered against the warmth as goose bumps rose all over her arms, and then pulled away the tie that was holding her robe closed.

Nick kissed the crook of her neck as he pushed the robe off her shoulders and then stepped back to take a good look at her. She blushed under his gaze unable to help feeling self-conscious. “You’re beautiful, Rachel,” Nick whispered reverently and then pulled her to the bed with him.

Nick took his time with her. That was uncommon for him, but usually he barely knew the women he was with and it was really just about the sex. With Rachel it was different. He knew her. He appreciated her.

Rachel worked so hard all the time, and she hadn’t been loved in so long that Nick felt she deserved the extra attention. He thought she deserved the world and he wanted her to feel it, so he touched her everywhere, and kissed her everywhere, ignoring any of his own needs until she was begging him to be inside her.

He was slow at first, gentle. It had been so long for her, and she was tight, but if it hurt at all, she didn’t mind. “Oh God, Nick!” she cried as the burning sensations inside her began to drive her mad. “Now! I need you now!”

Nick let go of his restraint and began to move in her at a pace that made him break a sweat. He pushed deeper and harder until she cried out in pure ecstasy. The look on her face as she came to him was so captivating that Nick threw his lips on hers, and with one last thrust, joined her in her in her climax.

When he was finished, he hovered over her a moment longer, staring into her elated eyes as he struggled to slow his breathing. When he caught his breath, he lowered his lips to hers one last time and then fell to the bed beside her and pulled her into his arms.

They said nothing for a long time; both content to just lay there. Rachel was the first to break the silence. “Three years,” she whispered as if she’d been lost in thought and didn’t realize she was talking out loud.

“Three years?” Nick questioned.

Rachel twisted her body in Nick’s arms so that she could look in his eyes, and then she smiled bashfully. “I haven’t done that in three years.”

Nick was shocked. When she said it’d been a while, he was thinking in terms of months, not years. It was a little overwhelming to think that he was the one she chose to be with after all that time, but it was also sad that she’d been alone for so long.

Three years sounded like an eternity. Nick tried to think back over the last three years, he wanted to wrap his head around just how long that was and then he realized something. “Spencer’s father?” he asked.

Rachel sighed and tried to smile as she nodded, but her mind was in another place. “I’m sorry about what happened the last time you were here,” she said, suddenly snapping back to the present. “I may be great at listening and dolling out the advice, but I’ve never been able to let anyone return the favor.”

“It’s ok,” Nick said.

“No. It’s really not. You trusted me with you most intimate feelings and I should have done the same. It’s just that I trusted someone with my most intimate feelings once, and he turned around and used that to hurt me.”

“Really, Rachel, it’s ok. I know it’s hard for you. I shouldn’t have pushed you about it.”

“You were right to be angry. Relationships – even if they’re just friendships – can’t be so one sided. I was wrong and I’m sorry.”

Nick wasn’t sure how to feel about that. No one in his life had ever admitted something like that to him. Not really, not when it was so important. His family was so messed up that no one ever thought they were wrong about anything and all they ever did was fight. And with the guys, Nick was the youngest. He was always the one screwing up. None of them had ever admitted to being in the wrong when they fought, not completely. Not the way Rachel just had. And in his last real relationship, with Paris, he was always wrong. According to her anyway.

The only thing Nick could think to say in Response to Rachel’s confession was a simple, “Thank you.”

Nick squeezed Rachel tight. She happily soaked up the hug and then nestled herself more comfortably in his arms as she said, “I went to college to be a teacher.”

“A teacher?” Nick repeated, surprised.

“I wanted to teach high school biology,” Rachel smirked. “But I changed my mind when I came home for Christmas break my freshman year. I lived in a small town about three hours anywhere, not just the nearest airport. My flight was delayed so it was pretty late when my parents picked me up. It’d been snowing, it was dark the roads were wet and deserted.

“About half way home a truck swerved into our lane. I was in the backseat and got knocked out for a minute from the initial impact. My father was already dead when I came to, but I could hear my mother calling his name. The dashboard had smashed her leg and practically severed it off. The blood was gushing everywhere. We were in the middle of nowhere. It took the paramedics so long to get to us that my mother bled to death in my arms.”

Rachel paused a moment to steady her voice as she began to cry. Nick’s heart broke for her, but didn’t know what to say so he just held her tighter as she continued her story. “I could have stopped it. If I’d had even the most basic first aid training, I would have known how to slow the bleeding, and I could have saved her life.”

“It wasn’t your fault, Rachel,” Nick gasped. “You can’t blame yourself for that.”

“No, I know that. And I don’t blame myself, not anymore. But I did at first. And I felt like I had to make up for her death by saving others. As soon as I got back to school I switched to premed and swore I would save as many lives as I could. That’s why I became a doctor.”

Nick sniffled, and in an unsteady voice whispered, “I’m so sorry.”

“It’s ok. I mean I miss them, but love being a doctor. Whenever I help save a life it’s like I’m saving their families from going through what I went through. And I’m good at it. It’s a real talent that I have. It’s like it was my calling in life or something, and I almost wasted it on biology.”

Nick was truly amazed by Rachel. Her life made his seem like a walk in the park, and yet she was the one falling apart. He felt guilty for needing her shoulder to cry on so much, but was so glad that he would be able to be there for her now. He only hoped he’d be able to bring some much needed happiness to her.

“I wouldn’t have survived something like that, much less triumphed over it like you have. And you did it with a baby! How did you ever do it?”

Rachel shrugged. “I just did it. It was the guilt that drove me for a while, but then after what happened with Spencer’s dad, I did it just to prove a point.”

“What did happen with Spencer’s dad?”

Rachel hesitated a moment and then released a long sigh. “He was the first man I ever loved. We met in med school freshman year and I was a goner from the beginning. I got pregnant in our second year and when I told him about it, he emptied all the cash from his wallet and told me to go take care of it, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t give up my baby. We got in a huge fight over it. He said if I didn’t abort it there was no way I’d ever be able to finish school. He said it would ruin my life and that he was not going to let me take him down with me, and refused to have anything to do with the baby.”

Nick was shocked by how angry he was all of the sudden. He was outraged that someone could shirk their responsibility like that, but he was even more upset that someone could do that to Rachel.

“I had the baby over the summer between my second and third year, but I couldn’t take a semester off because the program was too competitive and I they would have given my slot to someone else. I had the money from my parent’s life insurance, and I’d sold their house, but I didn’t have any family or anything to help me take care of Spencer. Juggling a newborn and med school was practically impossible and I nearly killed myself doing it.

“I went to Spencer’s father once and asked him for help, and he said no. After saying ‘I told you so,’ he that I’d done this to myself. He said I was obsessed with what happened to my parents, and that it was making me crazy. His advice to me was that I would never make it as a doctor anyway and that I should just quit. After that I never spoke to him again.” Rachel was quiet for a moment and then smirked. “Except to say fuck you on graduation day when I got awarded residency in one of the top hospitals in the country and he was going to some tiny hospital in Podunk Kansas.”

Nick had been so angry, but that last comment actually made him laugh. “Good for you,” he said, and then stopped laughing as he got lost in Rachel’s smile. “You are an amazing woman,” he said, and couldn’t help but start another round of lovemaking.