As I lay there in my hospital bed that night, trying my best to focus on anything and everything I could that didn't involve the pain that enveloped my entire body, I thought back to the moment when I'd told Leighanne and Kristin about my engagement. I remembered how relieved I'd felt... like finally a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders and I could suddenly just focus on the joy. Focus on it, and it share it with someone else.

Now I just wished someone would come along and remove this new weight. A weight far heavier and far more painful than anything I could have ever imagined.

When the guys returned from their swim they found the three of us girls curled up on the bed together, chatting away happily about nothing at all and everything at once. We were completely ignoring the movie that was playing in the background and were utterly wrapped up in our discussions with one another.

It didn't take long for the fun to end. Kevin was the first to suggest we all retire to our separate rooms. Old fuddy duddy. He was right though, we did have an early flight the next morning, and truth be told, I was happy to oblige to bedtime. I was tired and achy and I had a horrible pain in my abdomen that just wouldn't quit. A pulled muscle? Maybe. Or perhaps just plain old cramps? I didn't know what it was, but the feeling had been hanging around for most of our trip and though I'd managed to ignore it pretty well at first, it was starting to get on my nerves. Of course even the pain couldn't ruin the happiness I was feeling at the moment.

Nick suggested he stay in my room to keep an eye on me - we still weren't sharing a room even though everyone knew we were dating because Brian simply wouldn't have it - and for once everyone had agreed without complaint that this was probably for the best.

Once everyone was finally gone I curled up under the covers, pulling them up to my chin as I waited for Nick to finish brushing his teeth. I couldn't help but giggle when he stepped out of the bathroom and did a sexy little dance as he made his way over to the bed. He'd brought me a glass of water and some tylenol, which he set carefully on the nightstand before climbing over top of me and flopping himself energetically onto his side of the bed. I swallowed the medicine with a gulp of water before snuggling myself into his waiting arms where he gently ran his hands over my arms and down my back.

"So you told them huh?" He asked with a smirk as he leaned down and nibbled on my neck, licking the back of my ear before he pinched me under the arm.

I rolled over quickly and looked at him amazed. "Now how in the hell could you possibly know that!?" I asked in shock.

"Because you dork," he laughed, sitting up as he slid one of his legs between mine, "with as bad as you've felt all day, tonight you can't stop smiling like the cat who ate the canary!"

I took the pillow from beneath my head and swung it at him. He ducked quickly and winked at me, "You missed, now fess up!"

I rolled my eyes and sighed, "Alright, you got me! I told." I finally let it out as I fell back against the pillow in as dramatic a fashion as I could muster. "Now what're you gonna do about it?"

He just sat there, staring at me and grinning almost as goofily as I'm sure I'd been grinning all evening. "Wellllll..." he finally grinned even bigger, "... what'd they say!?"

I laughed and smiled back, "They're thrilled Nick. I'm thrilled. I love you sooo much and I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you and be your wife and I think they know that... and so they are thrilled for us."

He continued to beam, a serious expression passing through his eyes as he leaned in and kissed me gently. "Well baby, I love you too... and I am thrilled that I get to spend my life with you, and I can't wait to be your husband."

I smiled and kissed him back.

I fell asleep quickly that night wrapped in his arms, the radio playing songs I don't remember. I felt truly at peace knowing that someone was happy for me. That I was truly happy.

If only I'd known that hours later that happiness would begin being shattered bit by bit into a million tiny pieces... pieces that I alone would have to figure out how to put back together... I may never have allowed myself to sleep.

Sleep certainly wasn't coming easily to me tonight. I had another secret and this one was not a happy one. This one was going to break someone's heart... someone I loved more than life itself. And I didn't even know how to tell him. Especially because he wasn't here for me to even try.

My night nurse came into my room at about 10:00 to check my IV and to administer my pain meds. Before she left she stopped for a moment at my bedside and took my hand. She told me to let her know if I needed anything... "anything at all"... and she would get it for me. I know she was just trying to be helpful, but I hated it. I knew she was well aware what I was going through, I mean, it was right there in my chart for every medical professional who came into my room to see... they all knew.

I wasn't angry at them for knowing, I just hated the way they looked at me. The way they talked to me, with pity. Certainly more pity than they would have given the average patient who wasn't going through all this. Someone who wasn't losing pretty much her entire world. They spoke in yes/no answers, they kept the conversation to a minimum, and I'm sure they thought it was all for my sake. But it's not what I wanted. I wanted someone to talk to... not people who were afraid that talking would upset me.

And when that nurse said that to me... when she said she would get me anything at all... I wanted to ask her if she could really do that, then could she please give me my life back?

I lay in bed that night for several more long and agonizing hours, not sleeping, just thinking. Thinking about all the things I'd been through in the surrounding weeks, and all the things yet to come. About how my life had changed so drastically in such a short time and about how there's simply no way you can possibly prepare yourself for something like cancer.

And sadly you can't prepare the people you love either.

I glanced at the photo from Hawaii, still on my nightstand. I reached out and took it, holding it close to my heart trying to think of the good memories instead of the bad. Trying to think of the way it felt to be with Nick... to hold him and smell him and feel him. But all I could think about now was that night, and as horrible as it had been, I'm sure would be forever etched into my memory.

It was sometime around 3:00 in the morning when I was suddenly jolted awake by the sharp pain that ripped through my abdomen. I gasped as it surged forcefully through my body, again and again, continuing in agonizing, neverending waves. I felt like I was on fire. I couldn't cry, I couldn't breathe... I couldn't even roll over or open my mouth to yell out for help. I was stuck in that terrifying moment unable to even move a muscle.

I laid there for what felt like an eternity as my body shook violently, wracked from the agonizing pain. I wanted to scream... I waited in misery for the moment I could catch my breath and when that moment finally came, I inhaled as much air as my lungs could hold and tried my best to speak. My voice was weak and I could only gasp out into the darkness for Nick to wake up... to please God just wake up. He stirred a little just as I gave up and I thought he was going to roll over and go back to sleep, but then suddenly he bolted upright in the bed. I could see him grasping at the pillows and the sheets on the bed, obviously confused as to what had awoken him.

By that time I had curled into the fetal position on my side of the bed, sweat pouring from every gland in my body, praying for relief and completely overcome by a kind of pain I'd never before experienced in my life. I could only watch helplessly as he groped around confused before I finally reached out and touched his arm.

He barely looked up, running his hand once more across the gap between us. He looked down at his hand with a frown and then touched my shoulder gently, "Hey Gracie, hey, um... I think you um, wet the bed or something...er... everything's wet..."

I fought hard to respond, to gather the strength to yell out. Until he'd said those words I hadn't truly realized just how much I'd been sweating, but god. My face and my hair were soaked, along with my pajamas, the pillow and sheets beneath me. What the hell was happening to me?

"Hey Grace," I heard him say again as he poked me once more in the shoulder.

I fought even harder then and suddenly a small whimper... a small sob escaped from my throat and then another and another...

"Oh... um... Gracie don't cry!" He said as he gently reached out and touched my shoulder. I watched him ball up the sheets on his side of the bed, "So you wet the bed, it happens okay... we'll just get us both cleaned up and..."

I couldn't gather the strength enough to try and explain what was happening, especially when I didn't even know myself. I just remember reaching my hand out at that exact moment and grabbing his arm, hard. He stopped talking and in that second I used every last bit of strength I had left in me as I cried out in the most agonizing voice I'd ever heard come out of me, "Nick! PLEASE just HELP ME!"

And it was clear then that up until that exact moment he'd been oblivious to the fact that anything was really wrong. But upon hearing those words... upon hearing me cry out into the darkness for him to help me, he literally leapt out of the bed. He threw the wadded up sheet aside, flipped the light on and was back at my side in a matter of seconds.

"Oh God Grace... what's wrong!? You're soaking wet! What hurts?? Are you sick???"

He was asking questions faster that I could possible answer, and then he stopped. I watched as he stared down at me, laying there in the bed, curled up in a ball as the tears streamed steadily down my face. I clutched my abdomen and prayed like hell for the pain to end.

Nick didn't say another word. He didn't ask another question. That was all it took for him to jump into action. He ran into the bathroom and emerged seconds later with a dry towel to soak up some of the sweat. As he helped me from my side of the bed to his side, which sadly wasn't a whole lot drier, I heard him gasp. I had no idea why, but it scared me a little. He finished situating me against the pillows before quickly vanishing into the bathroom, returning once more moments later, this time with a cool rag that he placed carefully on my head.

I felt the mattress sink as he body sank down beside mine and I watched as he picked up the phone and started dialing numbers. I wanted to ask him what he was doing? Who the heck he was calling at three in the morning, but I didn't have the energy. Then I heard him speak to unsuspecting individual at the other end of the line...

"Yeah, hey Bri, it's Grace... yeah, she's on fire. Uh huh... um... I think it's her stomach. Please... okay, we'll see you in sec." And with those words he hung up the phone and turned his attention back to me.

By then the pain was starting to ease up a bit, like a horrible leg cramp that was starting to subside but still tingled uncomfortably. I was shivering something awful though and I still couldn't figure out what the hell was going on with me. Nick leaned over and removed the cloth from my head, telling me over and over again to just hang in there. I looked up into his eyes then... those same beautiful, concerned blue eyes that I'd looked into for years and years... and I fell in love all over again. My teeth were chattering, my head was throbbing, I was covered in sweat and I had to pee like crazy... but I would have laid there in that moment, looking up into those eyes as he rubbed his cool hands against my cheeks, forever.

Unfortunately the moment ended with a knock on the door. Nick brushed my cheek one last time before going to answer it. Brian and Leighanne shuffled in looking half awake and awfully disheveled, followed only seconds later by an equally exhausted looking Kevin, and a still yawning Kristin. I felt horrible. Not only because physically I really felt horrible, but also because I was clearly the cause of the room full of people who'd all jumped out of their cozy beds in the middle of the night... and for what. The pain was subsiding quickly now and it all seemed pointless.

They didn't seem to mind though as Brian moved quickly to the side of my bed. "You look awful Grace!" He stated bluntly as he reached out to feel my forehead.

I couldn't help but roll my eyes, because gee thanks, what a nice way to greet someone who feels like shit.

"Where does it hurt?" Kevin asked as he too stepped forward and felt my cheeks. And it didn't even bother me. I mean, I was used to Brian being the overprotective big brother... and Kevin... well, he was Kevin, what more can I say? But I'll admit, when they both pulled their hands away quickly and looked at one another awkwardly, I was a little concerned. It was like they'd touched a hot stove or something and had to check to see if it'd had the same effect on the other.

I pushed their hands away when they came at me again and told them I thought I was okay... just weak, and that it must have been a muscle spasm or a cramp or something... maybe a stomach bug. I told them that now my head was the only thing hurting -- which wasn't a lie, it was killing me -- and that I would just like to go back to sleep, and hopefully I'd wake up feeling 100% better. They looked concerned but agreed to head back to their rooms with the assurance that Nick would call if anything changed.

Before they left though, I called Leighanne over and asked if she could help me to the bathroom. I still had to go badly and I felt too weak to make it on my own... and peeing in front of my boyfriend wasn't an experience I was ready for.

Leighanne laughed and helped me from the bed. We walked together towards the bathroom, but halfway there I began to feel extremely dizzy and chilled and to my chagrin the pain began to return with a vengance. I didn't say a word though, just waited for Leighanne to leave me alone in the bathroom where I quickly sat down hoping that relieving my aching bladder would help. Instead, the room began to grow dim around me. I leaned forward, placing my head between my knees as I prayed that I wouldn't pass out and then, I tried to pee. But nothing happened. I couldn't go even though I so badly needed to. I sat up once more and massaged my aching abdomen managing to squeeze out only a few painful drops before glancing down and noticing with shock that the toilet was filled with bright red blood.

And it scared the hell out of me.

I grew dizzier with each passing second and for the second time that night I wanted to scream out for help, but couldn't. I could hear the buzz of conversation on the other side of the door, just beyond my reach and I hoped that someone, anyone would just come in and check on me. Another searing pain ripped through me and this time I lost it. I lurched forward and gasped in agony as the room steadily darkened around me. I grabbed blindly for the trashcan and wretched into it repeatedly, unable to vomit anymore than I could pee. I felt like my entire body was shutting down on me and I was helpless to do a damn thing to stop it.

The chatter outside the door stopped abruptly and then a knock on the door followed quickly by a familiar voice that said, "Sweetie, it's us... we're coming in!"

And the door opened quickly and Leighanne and Kristin were at my side in seconds as I said a silent "Thank God," in my mind.

Kristin, who'd actually worked part-time as a nurse for several years was the first to speak. She held my head in her hands and looked into my eyes. "Gracie," she said calmly, but firmly in her attempt to draw my attention momentarily away from my pain, "we need to know what's wrong. We need to know exactly where it hurts."

All I could do was gasp and clutch my abdomen as I tried to say the words through the constant wretching, "bl-bl-.... blood..... l-lots.... of .... blood."

She looked surprised. "What? Where?" She examined my body quickly, looking slightly confused before she clearly realized what I meant. She motioned for Leighanne to help her and the two of them lifted my gently. I heard Leighanne's soft gasp and the room took another spin.

"Oh God..." I moaned.

"Okay sweetie," Kristin's voice came through to me, gentle and soothing as she held on tightly. "It's gonna be okay." She was giving instructions to Leighanne as she comforted me, telling her to grab the towels and lay them on the floor. Together they eased me gently onto the towels where Leighanne covered me as Kristin explained that she needed to go out and tell the guys.

At almost that exact moment there was a knock at the door and I could hear Nick and Brian asking if everything was okay... if they needed to do anything. The girls glanced silently at one another for a moment and then down to where I was sprawled on the bathroom floor, my arm draped over my face. And then Leighanne knelt beside me and took my hand as Kristin walked forward and cracked the door open a few inches.

"Yes," I heard her say as she stuck her head from the door, "You need to call an ambulance right now."

And I don't remember what happened after that.

Sitting in my hospital bed, thinking back on that moment, there in that hotel bathroom... I don't think I believed my life could get any worse that it was right then. I remember laying there on that cold bathroom floor, terrified that I was going to die and yet somehow equally as terrified that I wouldn't. The pain was so horrible I knew it couldn't get worse.

I remember how Leighanne held my hand and comforted me as we waited for what felt like an eternity for the ambulance to arrive. I remember gripping her hand as tightly as I possibly could and I remember that even still it wasn't enough. I remember trying my best to breathe in and out, through the pain, like a woman in labor without the perfect end result. I remember staring at the doors as if watching them could make something happen faster.

Now I found myself watching a different door.... in a different room... in a different kind of pain.

How had I gotten here?

Why me?

Why us?

Would he come?

Please God let him come.

The two young men sat silently beside the water's edge, neither had spoken a word in hours, and neither knew exactly the right words to say.

AJ wiggled his toes back and forth, digging his feet down as deep into the sand as he could possibly get them before sprawling himself backwards onto his beach towel where he resumed the act of staring up at the evening sky. He paused every now and again to glance towards his best friend, laying there beside him on his own beach towel, staring up at the same sky full of stars. He wondered what exactly was going on in the young man's mind.

The two of them had spent their days at the beach, every single day for nearly a week, in this exact same spot and though through it all Nick had been eager to discuss their career - the new album and the upcoming tour (both of which the rest of the group were preparing to postone), he refused to talk about anything else at all. He refused to talk about the things he really needed to talk about and AJ knew in his heart that his friend couldn't keep this facade up for long. Either he would eventually have to talk, or he would eventually have a breakdown.

Either way, AJ was determined to be there for him.

Nick took his focus away from the stars for just a minute to stare out across the ocean, watching as the waves rolled up onto the shore and a sailboat passed by in the distance. He wished for a moment that he could be out there on the open water, free from life and decisions and all of the hard shit. Just free.

He couldn't help but think about how much things had changed over the past month. About how he'd gone from being the happiest he'd ever been in his entire life -- at the height of success, with the woman of his dreams and finally jumping in to settling down in an engagement... to this.

And now here he was, sitting by the ocean with AJ after having purposely missed his third scheduled flight to Kentucky to be with the love of his life at the time when she needed him most.

He didn't know why he couldn't do this... but he couldn't. At least, not right now. He'd been there that horrible night in that California hotel when she'd gotten so sick he thought he might actually lose her. He remembered riding in the ambulance with her on the way to the hospital, a 45 minute ride that seemed to last far longer than that. Her fever was dangerously high and her body nearly shut down as the EMT's attempted everything they could to decrease her temperature and her pain. Through it all though, she was tough. She'd managed to squeeze his fingers so tightly he was positive they'd broken, but he hadn't cared. He fell in love with her even more that night then he thought humanly possible. Her strength through her agony had only made his love for her grow tenfold.

He remembered the flight back to Kentucky the following day; Kevin, Brian, Leighanne and Kristin... and him... all trying to do their very best to just get her home to where she needed to be. The doctors in California had given her enough medication to make the flight home and strict instructions to see her gynocologist as soon as she possibly could upon arrival. They had diagnosed her with a ruptured ovarian cyst, a condition that though painful wasn't likely to kill her.

That was hard to believe though and if you'd been there on that plane that day you would know why. Nick shuttered at the thought. It had been hell... and even hell was probably too nice a word for the experience. Grace had spent the majority of the flight home in horrendous pain. When she wasn't sleeping fitfully on Nick's shoulder, whimpering and grinding her teeth even in her sleep, she was awake and in agony. She was flush with fever, her cheeks tear stained and bright red, her eyes bruised from the constant vomitting. Nick and Brian took turns sitting with her because it was nearly too much for one person to take for any great length of time and that says a lot when you're not the one going through it.

It seemed to take an eternity to make it to Lexington that day and once there the much anticipated quiet night at home was bypassed as they headed straight for Central Baptist Hospital where they would remain for hours with no real answers.

In fact, it was several long days of pain and discomfort before the official diagnosis of cancer was ever made, or even suggested. Grace had been sent home on strong pain medications and what should have been a celabratory week together became a week of Grace sleeping 24 hours a day while Nick watched tv in bed beside her and wondered how long this would go on.

He remembered the phonecall as if it had occured yesterday. He was with Brian, AJ, and Howie, in a conference center in Orlando where they were conducting a meeting to settle details for the new album. She'd practically shoved him out the door to go, promising she'd be okay until he came back. Promising her mother would be there for her. He'd excused himself from the room and answered the phone in the hallway. He remembered the agony in her voice... her tears. The fear.

They called off the meeting and he and Brian caught the red eye back to Lexington almost immediately. They drove straight to the hospital from the airport and from there the chaos insued. Within days Nick was overcome with the knowledge of more medical terminology and procedures than he would have ever cared to remember.

It had been, without a doubt, the worst week of his entire life. And yet, he'd stayed with her through it all.

So why not now?

What was stopping him now.

Nick... hey Nick... NICK!"

He was pulled sharply from his thoughts by the sound of his friend loudly calling his name.

"Huh... What?" He asked, turning abruptly to find AJ staring at him, a concerned expression etched upon his face.

"Dude, you are lost," AJ whispered, shaking his head as he scooped up a handful of sand and let it slide through his fingers. "What's on your mind?" He was hoping that maybe, just maybe he could delve into the blonde's innermost thoughts... catch him offguard and maybe he would talk about what was really going on inside that foolish head of his.

Nothing really..." Nick answered, staring out at the sea before them... "Just thinking I..."

But AJ interuppted him, "Nothing!? Man are you fucking kidding me?" He was growing increasingly frustrated with his friend's inability to get a clue. "That is such bullshit dude! I mean for God's sake would you just talk about it already?"

Talk about what AJ," Nick asked giving him an exasperated sigh. "There's nothing to talk about."

"Oh my God Nick!" AJ spat as his frustration increased even more. "Let's talk about the fact that the girl you say is the love of your life has cancer! Let's talk about that! Or maybe we should talk about the fact that she just had a major operation this morning and for some unknown fucking reason while she is laying all alone in a hospital bed in Kentucky, you - the love of HER life - is in a completely different state, sitting on the god forsaken beach thinking about NOTHING!"

Nick shook his head, bitter tears forming in the corners of his eyes, "I don't know AJ... I just don't know anymore."

"What don't you know man?" AJ responded, softening his voice as he leaned over to place a comforting hand on his friend's shoulder. Because face it, even AJ knew that he had no idea what was really going through this kid's mind. But as the silence lingered between them and Nick failed to respond to the question, AJ removed his hand and scooted away once more.

"Dude you really have GOT to talk about this."

Nick shook his head, "I... I really don't know AJ. It's not that easy. I... I just... I'm scared," he finally blurted it out as the tears began to spill down his cheeks. He reached up to wipe the moisture from his face with his shirt sleeve as AJ once more edged closer and tightened his grip on his friend's shoulder.

"What are you scared of?" It wasn't that AJ was stupid... he knew what his friend was scared of. The same thing all of them were scared of, but he knew that Nick needed to say it himself.

He knew that Nick needed to get it all off his chest and now seemed as good a time as any. Actually, probably the best.

Nick stared back out at the ocean for a few moments, the thoughts swimming in his head before he burried his face in his hands and sat there in silence for several long minutes before speaking again. AJ said nothing, just sat there beside him and waited for him to speak.

"I... I'm scared of everything Jay..." AJ nodded and waited for Nick to continue but it took several more long minutes before he finally did, "I'm scared of not being able to take care of her, I'm scared of watching her suffer... but mostly I... mostly I'm so fucking scared that I'm gonna lose her Aje." He leaned forward, his head in his hands and sobbed.

"Nick," AJ stated very seriously now as he rubbed his friend's back while the younger man choked back sobs that came faster with each moment, "I understand what you're saying, everything that you're saying, really I do. But seriously? What the hell dude? Do you really think that hiding out here on the beach is the answer to that?! I mean shit Nick, if you keep this crap up you really ARE gonna lose her."

Nick sucked in a surprised breath, wiped his eyes and glared over at AJ. He couldn't believe what he'd just heard, what AJ had just said. He stared at him for a long time before wiping his eyes again and shrugging his shoulders away from his friend's embrace. "You don't understand AJ. None of you do! You will never understand what this is like for me..."

"You're right Nick," AJ interrupted once more, "I dont' understand exactly what this is like for you, but..."

"Damn right you don't!" Nick snapped, throwing himself backwards onto the sand and laying there with his arms folded beneath his head still glaring at AJ.

AJ sighed and shook his head, "Do you love her?"

"What?"

"Do you love her?" AJ asked once more with a sigh.

Nick looked up to where the stars were appearing quickly in the night sky and couldn't help but smile as he thought about her. He thought of all the plans the two of them had been making together, for their lives and their future. He thought of her eyes, of the way she smiled. He thought of her laugh... God her laugh. This was all just so damn unfair.

"Nick," AJ spoke again, "Do you love Grace?"

Nick sighed, "With all my heart AJ."

"Then get your ass on the fuckin' plane."

And with that AJ stood and walked away.

The words to my favorite Brad Paisley song echoed in my mind as I laid in my hospital bed late into the evening after my surgery. I glanced around the room at all of the various monitors and IV's and shivered for a moment at the sight of the numerous tubes and wires running in and out of places I didn't even want to try to imagine. I closed my eyes again and let the music fill my head as my thoughts drifted back and forth from the past, to the present before stopping myself short of letting them venture too far ahead into the future. I was thankful that I had my IPod. Thankful that I'd had the insight to download a ton of new music before my surgery, which I'd done because I knew I'd need something to help me pass the boring moments... but which I'd found to be more healing than anything. I had hundreds of albums and musicians to choose from but for whatever reason, I kept coming back to this same old song.

I'd finally given up on sleep after several long hours of trying unsuccessfully to clear my mind and instead I flipped on the light above my bed and pulled out my journal, turning to the words I'd written only a week before;

April 21st,

Nick left this morning... He said he needed some time alone to think about things. I'm not sure exactly what those things are, but I think I have to be okay with it. I know this is hard for him... hard for all of them. It's hard on me too.

I didn't wish for any of this to happen. What am I saying? I mean, no one would wish for something like this.

Anyway... he said he's going to spend some time with AJ, so at least I guess I know he's not alone.

Surgery's in five days... I'm scared. So scared.

I haven't said this to anyone, I'm afraid if I say it it'll make me weak... but I'm so afraid to die. I haven't even really lived yet. Not really.

I traced my fingertips over the words on the page and closed my eyes, trying to imagine where he was and what he was doing at that exact moment. Maybe he was thinking about me too... maybe he was just as scared as I was.

My thoughts played back to the day we met and it felt like an eternity of lifetimes ago.

It was on a warm October day in 1993. I was sitting in the back seat of my mom's minivan, my heart racing and my mind going a thousand miles a minute. My mom had told me only 5 minutes earlier that I was going to be seeing my big brother and the Backstreet Boys for the very first time. I would have jumped up and down if I could have, but the broken ankle I was nursing along at the time held me back. I mean gosh, I hadn't seen my brother in SIX whole months, since the day he'd gotten the call from Kevin and my mom and dad sat me down for the long and painful talk about how my life was going to be changing pretty drastically. I think I went through every stage of grief after that day, from sadness to anger to bargaining. I didn't know what they even were at the time, but looking back, I did it all... until finally I just had to accept it.

It was difficult enough being the baby sister... being so much younger than both Harry and Brian, but the three of us had always been close with Harold already away from home I was really depending on those last few months of having my other big brother at home before he too went off to college. Understandably I was heartbroken when he left, and understandably it took me a while to get over it... and even more understandably the news of his return had me totally stoked!

"When are we going to see him!" I shouted as I clambored into the back seat of my mom's minivan before she even had a chance to open her door. "When, when, when?!"

Mom couldn't help but smile as she climbed into the driver's seat and turned the key in the ignition. "How about right now."

The entire ride from the elementary school to the high school took only a couple of minutes and in those couple of minutes my excitement level grew tenfold. "Is Keving gonna be there too?" I asked, biting my fingers with anticipation. I missed him too.

"Yep," my mom responded, they're all gonna be there. You'll get to meet all of Bri's new friends and they get to perform a few songs tonight before the football game. Isn't that exciting?" I nodded to her as she glanced at me in the rearview mirror. We smiled at each other and I knew she was as excited as I was.

And then I looked down at my foot. "Hey mom..." I frowned and she responded with her motherly "mmmhmm?"

"Do we have to tell Bri what happened to my foot?" My mom laughed, but it really wasn't that funny. "I mean can't we make up something cool... like I broke it skateboarding or something?" I really didn't want to admit that I'd broken my ankle falling down our basement stairs with the laundry basket. I mean, how pathetic is that?

She laughed again, "Well sweetie, I think Brian already knows. Remember he sent you the card and flowers when you were in the hospital?"

"Oh... well nevermind then." I really wished he could have thought I was cooler.

"We're supposed to meet Aunt Ann out here," she said as she pulled into the parking lot, "So keep your eyes peeled." I didn't see Ann anywhere, but I spotted Kevin by the doors to the gym. "MOM!!!" I screamed, there's Kev!" She pulled into a space and I jumped from the car without even thinking. "OUCH!" I cried when I landed hard on my foot. I bit my lip as I tried to keep the tears from coming. My mom hurried around to my side of the car and helped me sit down on the curb. "Are you okay?" She asked just as Kevin came running towards us.

"Oh no," I whispered as I wiped furiously at my eyes - the last thing I wanted was for Kevin to see me crying like a baby.

"Hey Aunt Jackie," I heard Kevin's voice as I looked up in time to see him giving my mom a big hug from behind. He looked down at me with a smile that was quickly replaced by a look of concern, "Oh my gosh! What the heck happened to your foot cuz?"

When I didn't answer because I was still too busy trying to keep from crying because of the throbbing in my leg, my mom started to respond instead. "Well she..." but then she caught my eye and gave me a grin, "Why don't you tell him what happened Gracie?"

"Skydiving accident." I said as seriously as I could muster.

"No kiddin' huh?" Kevin laughed, and I nodded as he reached down to help me up. He gave me a big hug and smiled at me. I winced in pain when I put weight on my ankle but I was determined to get inside and see my brother. I grabbed my crutches and struggled towards the gym doors until suddenly I felt myself being lifted off the ground and hoisted into the comfortable arms of my cousin. "That better?" He asked and I nodded once more, wiping a tear that had slipped from my eye and onto my cheek. I turned away, hoping he wouldn't see.

"It's okay to cry you know?" He whispered in my ear and I nodded as I rested my head on his shoulder. "So what really happened to your foot?"

"I broke it chasing a murder suspect..." I whispered, thinking about the tv show I'd watched the night before.

Kevin snorted and shook his head, "You are too much." He carried me into the gym and down the hall to the office where all of the guys had gathered to rest before the performance. He settled me onto the sofa in the corner of the room next to a blonde haired boy who didn't look much older than me.

"Hey," I smiled raising my hand in a small wave, "I'm Brian's sister."

"Oh, hi. I'm Nick." He smiled back and I remember then, even at ten years old, my heart skipped a beat. He was cute. His blonde hair hanging in his eyes, his eyes that were bluer than any I think I'd ever seen before.

Just then Kevin came back into the room, Brian following behind him. "Hey Nick," he said without even looking up, "We should maybe play some nintend... OH! Gracie-mae!" And with those words he flew to the couch and hugged me so tightly I thought he might smother me. "How're you doing... I was worried about you after your surgery!"

I smiled, "Good... it wasn't too bad, I got to miss a whole week of school!"

"What'd you do?" Nick asked.

"Skydiving accident." Kevin stated as matter-of-factly as I had to him, and Brian turned to him with a laugh as Nick looked skeptical. "What, it's true." He winked at me and I laughed too.

"Well I'm glad you're doing good Grace, but hey look... I have to go get ready, you know make-up and all that. Why don't you hang out in here with Nick and Kevin until I get back." I nodded and smiled, not at all upset that I might get to know the cute boy sitting next to me a little better.

"Sooo," Nick said after we'd sat in silence for a few minutes. "Who are your favorite musicians?"

"Wellll," I smiled, "I like Mariah Carey, Boyz II Men and En Vogue."

Nick smiled, "Good choices. I thought you might like country like your brother and cousin..." and he laughed.

I laughed too. "Well... I do like Garth Brooks and Reba McEntire..."

He shook his head and made a yuck face, "I guess that's okay, as long as you don't start singing "Achey Breaky Heart."

"Deal." I smiled. "What about you?"

"Oh, I like all sorts of music," He nodded animatedly, as if I'd asked the greatest question in the world. "I'm into Journey, Michael Jackson, Bryan Adams, Sting... just about everything."

It was my turn to make a frowny face because, "Sting? Really?"

He grinned and nodded, "Mmmhmm. What's your favorite song right now?"

"Well... I'm really liking Dreamlover by Mariah Carey right now. You?"

"Ever heard of Mr. Big?"

I nodded my head and smiled, "You mean..." and I looked him in the eye right then and took a deep breath before closing my eyes and belting it out... "I'm the one who wants to be with you, deep inside I hope you'll feel it too..."

And in the next moment he was singing with me, "Build up your confidence so you can be on top for once, wake up who cares about little boys who talk too much..."

I opened my eyes and looked at him. He smiled at me and I couldn't help but smile back even harder. I may have only been 10, but I definitely had a huge crush.

"You're not half bad," he winked, and at that moment Brian and Kevin walked back into the room and it was Nick's turn to go get ready.

I smiled thinking about how cute Nick was back then. About how innocent we both were. I wished with all my heart I could go back in time sometimes. Back to before Nick... before the Backstreet Boys. Back to before Kevin's father died. Back to before I even knew such a thing as cancer existed.

Looking back on that day, I remembered that moment and meeting Nick for the first time and the way he looked, his beautiful blue eyes and his sweet demeanor. His squeaky voice and his charm... but it's funny, when I ask Nick about that day, he doesn't really remember it. For him, I was just a 10-year-old kid and he was a boy in a band. It wasn't until many years later that Nick looked at me and saw me as something more. But that's the day I'll always remember my heart skipping it's first beat.

I sighed, wiping away a tear as a different song came on and this time instead of flipping back to the same old familiar, I changed it instead to an old classic. Just then a nurse came in the room to check my vitals again. She raised her eyebrows, glancing at the clock and then back to where I was laying.

"Can't sleep?" She asked gently as she checked the numbers on my iv bags and adjusted all of my lines and medications, writing down yet more information that would go into the novel my chart was becoming.

I shook my head, leaning back into the bed as the blood pressure cuff tightened around my arm for what felt like the hundreth time that hour. "Too much on my mind I guess," I whispered and she patted my shoulder as she wrote down the newest BP number that popped up as the cuff loosened.

"Would you like something to help you sleep?" She asked, her voice so kind I couldn't say no. I nodded silently, but was honestly thanking God that I might finally be able to relax and rest. I watched as she pulled out a syringe and filled it with medication which she quickly pushed into my IV. I felt at east almost immediately and within minutes I was drifting off to sleep, the sounds of Mr. Big still echoing in my mind.

"Pull over..." she mumbled quietly from the seat next to him, barely loud enough for him to hear.

"Hmm?" he asked, keeping his eyes trained on the road ahead of him as he leaned forward and changed the radio station.

"Nick PULL OVER!" Her voice was urgent now and this time he took note.

"Why do you want me to... OH SHIT!" Nick veered the car quickly to the shoulder of the road as the cars flew past them. They hadn't even come to a complete stop before she flung the door open. The chokes of dry heaving filled the air, followed soon after by the sound of vomit splattering upon the pavement.

Nick's eyes flew open as he gasped, the sounds echoing in his ears, the smell of it still strong in his nose. It took him several long moments to realize he'd only been dreaming.

Only dreaming.

It had been so very real... felt so very real. He had been back in that moment again. Back on the side of that road a few weeks ago, his heart racing, his mind panicked. He could almost feel the bile rising in his own throat just the way it had that day after seeing her so sick on the side of the road.

Yeah. How he wished this was all only a dream.

He had been able to do nothing but sit there in the seat beside her that afternoon and try his best to comfort her through the worst of it. He had rubbed her back and held her hair and told her he was there for her as he tried to reassure her that everything was going to be okay. But the fact was, in those few minutes on the side of that road, he couldn't even convince himself that everything would be okay.

At one point she gasped for air in between wretches, crying out for Nick to make it stop... to just kill her. She asked why God had done this to her.. just, why?

It was a question he had no answer for and a question he'd asked a million times himself.

And he also found himself asking the questions "why him?" that day as she vomitted for probably the 8th or 9th time in the span of only 15 minutes. Why did God do this to him? Why did God choose this girl for him to fall madly in love with only to have her get sick and him not feel like he was strong enough to get through it with her.

In that moment though, a peace had washed over him and he'd found himself taking calm, deep breathes as he ran through in his mind all of the times in his life he'd been terrified of something. Of going on stage to perform in front of millions of fans, of getting on airplanes to fly halfway across the world... and he reminded himself that no matter how hard each of those things had seemed at the time - impossible even - he'd always seemed to somehow make it through... every single time.

With those feelings fresh in his mind he pulled himself together and continued to comfort her until the worst was over before he reached into the back seat and retrieved the emesis basin the hospital had given them (for good reason obviously) and laid it gently in her lap, unsure of how well it would work, but trying to reassure her again that she would be okay... that he would get her home to bed as quickly as he possibly could.

He drove fast that day, disregarding speed limits and doing California rolls at stop signs and though they did have to stop twice more for her to be sick and it took them an extra 25 minutes to get home, they finally made it. And he had managed to comfort her each time they stopped despite his own overwhelming urge to lean out the side of the car and vomit upon the roadway.

When they'd finally reached her parent's house and he'd gotten her safely tucked into bed surrounded by comfortable blankets and basins, Nick slunk to the bathroom, curled up into a ball on the floor of the shower and cried hot bitter salty tears as the water poured down upon him. He'd really, truly doubted his ability to make it through this with her...

And yet, he had.

That had been the first of the three chemotherapy treatments she'd undergone. The three leading up to her surgery... many more they were certain would follow. Each was worse than the one before... but at the same time better, in its own way. The vomitting was worse, the pain was worse, but by the third treatment at least they were both a little more prepared. Nick still hated it... all of it, and of course Grace did too. But he knew in his heart that the cross she had to bare was far more burdening.

With each treatment he watched the woman he loved, once so full of life and energy, love and happiness, slowly slip away. Over the past several weeks he had found himself laying in bed at night just watching her sleep. He found that this was the one time he could look at her and pretend she was still the same Gracie he'd always known. During the day her eyes showed a pain and agony and sorrow that somehow disappeared while she slept. In sleep she looked peaceful and carefree.

And that's how he pictured her this night as he lay in bed drifting back to sleep.

"If I can go through that with her," he told himself, "then I can go through anything."

I squinted my eyes against the harsh morning sun that shined brightly through my hospital window. Morning now.

Finally.

Another beautiful spring day in Lexington and I would have to spend it stuck in bed yet again. I longed to be outside, walking through Gratz park as the flowers blossomed and the trees bloomed. I longed to go Jacobson park and take Nick on a paddle boat ride... all of the things I used to do in the spring... all of things you can't do when you're stuck in the hospital.

I glanced around the room, once again taking in the crazy amount of medical equipment. I had at least five bags hanging from my IV pole and a million holes in my arm from where they'd drawn blood the night before. I had tubes running out of me that were draining fluid from my abdomen and tubes running into me that delivered awesome pain killers. It was scary really.

I read the dry erase board on the wall where my nurses wrote important notes to me and to each other.

"Good morning," it read today in bright green ink with a smiley face scrawled beside it. Your nurses today are Katie and Amanda," and this was followed by a few more smiley faces. At least I guess I could conclude that my nurse would be somewhat perky. I'd rather have a perky nurse anyday over a 'nurse ratchet'. I'd had a few of those since being diagnosed with cancer and I didn't care to deal with anymore.

The board also listed my medications and dose times and then stated that I was to be "NPO" until 11:00 am. Ugh. This meant that because of some randomly scheduled procedure or test they weren't gonna allow me to eat until at least 11.

At least.

Ugh.

I sighed as I laid my hand on my growling stomach. Funny, the one thing that could suddenly make me, a girl who hadn't wanted food in days feel like I was starving to death was knowing I couldn't eat even if I wanted to. I glanced over at the clock on the nightstand -- 9:45. Well at least I wouldn't have to wait long.

I heard a small rustle from the corner of the room and realized for the first time that I wasn't alone. I turned my head quickly and my eyes came to focus upon a figure sitting at the table in teh corner. His back was to me as he faced the window, reading the newspaper that was spread out in front of him - most likely the real estate section if I knew him... and I did, as he sipped on a cup of coffee from McDonalds.

I stretched, yawning loudly to try and get his attention and when I did he turned around and smiled.

"Hola Chicka," he whispered as he set the papers down and made his way across the room to the chair beside my bed. He sat down and reached for my hand which I gave him, laughing as he leaned down and gently kissed it with a wink.

"Morning Howie," I laughed again as he leaned in for a hug and kissed me softly on the forehead. "When did you get here?"

"Oh, about midnight... in town that is, I've only been here at the hospital an hour or so." I smiled, it was so sweet of him to come sit with me when they'd gotten into town so late.

"Where are you staying? Not a hotel I hope?"

He shook his head, "No, no. We crashed at Kevin's last night and we're gonna stay at Harold's the rest of our stay. We had to stay at Kevin's first though... see the baby!"

"Oh... yeah. He's beautiful isn't he?" I tried to smile as I turned my head toward the window and blinked back the quickly forming tears. It'd been a few hours since I'd thought about the baby... my baby... but the thought of sweet Mason brought the feelings rushing right back in. I could sense Howie knew something was up though when he quickly changed the subject.

"So how are you feeling though? You look good this morning!" He pushed a strand of hair away from my eyes and smiled a genuine Howie smile at me. The kind of smile you couldn't help but return.

"I'm doing okay," I smiled back, "starving though. Thank God they're not starting chemo again for a few days... at least maybe I'll be able to eat something before all the barfing starts again. I don't think I could deal with all that right now along with everything else." I blinked back the tears that sprang to my eyes again. Every time I thought about everything the pain was overwhelming.

Howie handed me a tissue, a concerned look crossing his face as he took my hand in his again. "What's up Gracie?" He looked me dead in the eye and I found it hard to look away.

"Grace," he whispered with sincerity in his voice you rarely hear, "You know you can talk to me about anything, anytime right?"

I nodded. And I knew he was right. Brian was my big brother, Kevin my cousin, Nick my fiance, and Aj... well he was Aj... but Howie, for whatever reason Howie and I had always had a connection. No matter what or when or where I knew I could talk to Howie about anything in the world and he wouldn't tell a living soul. He had this unique sort of honesty about him that made him one of few people with whom I could share my deepest secrets. I just... I wasn't ready to share this one... not the loss of my child.

Not yet.

"I'm okay Howie," I answered, "Honest. This is just so much to have to go through." He took me in a hug and held me there for a long time.

"Just so I know you know I'm always, always here."

"I know."

"Good."

We sat together for a long time, Howie talking about his solo career and married life, me talking about treatments and the hope of a future marriage. The time slipped by quickly and before I knew it the doctor had come and gone and I was allowed to eat. Howie ran down to the cafeteria and got me the turkey sandwhich and french fries I craved and somehow just sitting there eating and talking made me feel so much better.

AJ glanced over to where Nick was sleeping in the passenger seat beside him, his head leaning awkwardly on the glass, his hoodie pulled up around his shoulders and wadded into a makeshift neck pillow. He'd barely changed positions at all in the past five hours, except a couple of times when he stirred momentarily and asked if AJ needed a break. AJ of course refused, knowing the young man was in no condition to drive. He was fine with the silence they drove along in now... fine with letting his friend sleep on.

AJ been pretty shocked when he'd been somewhat rudely awakened at approximately 5 am to the sound of his best friend beating on his bedroom door and yelling at him to "get your ass up now Aje!"

He'd done just that, expecting the worst as he hauled ass to the door. Their flight wasn't scheduled until eleven and that gave them more than ample time to shower and get to the airport without waking up at the crack of dawn... especially when Nick was usually the one taking his sweet time and especially when AJ was expecting to have to drag him kicking and screaming. He slung the door open to find Nick standing in the hallway, fully dressed, car keys in hand.

"Get dressed!" He shouted before AJ had a chance to even speak, "We're leaving right now! We have to leave NOW." His face showed an expression of anxiousness and worry that scared the hell out of AJ.

"What the hell's going on dude?!" AJ asked as he hurried to throw the rest of his things in his half packed suitcase and clambor into his clothing. "Did something happen?? Is Grace.... is she okay?"

"I... I don't know AJ," Nick stammered, running his hands through his hair, "It's just... we're going... I have to go right now."

AJ didn't waste another second, not that he was being given a choice, but frankly he was thrilled to see the sudden change in his friend's attitude. He finished packing, slipped on some flip flops and grabbed a cup of coffee and the two of them were ready to go in less than fifteen minutes.

The hours since had passed quickly as AJ drove along the interstate. He mostly listened to the radio while Nick stared out the window at the passing scenery or slept curled up in the passenger seat. He'd said very little since they'd left their beach house and AJ was more than willing to leave it at that. At least he was making a step in the right direction. At least they were on I-75 heading towards Kentucky now and AJ wasn't about to be the one to say something that would change his mind.

It was a little after 11:30 now... halfway there. "No turning back," Aj whispered to himself as he glanced at his friend once more time.

"If you really, really love her dude, there's no turning back."

Nick squirmed in his seat, stretching his legs out in front of him as far as he possibly could, but it was no use. He couldn't get comfortable regardless of what position he twisted himself into.

"Hey Aje," he mumbled, turning towards where his friend was sitting, bopping along to the music on the radio as he focused intently on the miles ahead of him.

"Yeah man?" He spoke without taking his eyes off the road.

"You mind taking the next exit? I could really stand to stretch my legs... maybe get some coffee or something."

AJ nodded, "No problem bro, I gotta take a leak anyway."

Nick couldn't help but laugh, AJ had such a way with words. He focused his gaze back out the window to where the West Virginia mountains passed by in the distance. They weren't bad to look at, but he couldn't help stop his mind from wandering back to his dreams from night before as the road bumped along beneath them.

Nick sat on the beach soaking up the last of the days sun after spending another beautiful afternoon surfing and boogie boarding through the waves of the Atlantic Ocean. He was as relaxed as he'd felt in a long, long while... sure that nothing could ruin the perfectness of that moment.

"NICK!.... HEY NICK!!!"

He heard the screams coming from behind him and turned just in time to see AJ running frantically down the beach, his cellphone waving in the air above his head.

"Dude, where's the fire?" He asked as he stood and laughed at Aj, mocking his run as his friend drew closer, but he stopped abruptly when AJ was close enough for Nick to make out the obvious tears trailing down Aj's cheeks. His sunglasses covered his eyes, but the tears were definitely there.

"Wh-what's going on man? Why are you crying? What is it???" Nick has spilled out the questions without stopping long enough for AJ to answer and when he finally stopped to take a breath, the words his friend said took that breath away.

"She's gone Nick..." He stepped forward and took Nick into a hug but Nick didn't hug back.

"What... who?"

"Nick she's gone... it's over. Gracie's gone."

"NOOOOOOOOO!"

Nick had woken up at that exact moment, still screaming. He was broken out in a cold sweat, tears streamed down his face and his heart raced unmercifully. But that had done it... that was enough right there to convince Nick that he was going to be with Grace and he had to go right then. The fear of losing her was bad enough but the dream had awoken an entirely new fear and one he wasn't about to face head on. Losing her would be bad enough... unfathomable honestly... but losing her like this was something he couldn't let happen.

He'd jumped from his bed and showered in minutes trying with all his might to erase the memory of that awful dream... trying to remind himself that it was, in fact just a dream. He'd gotten dressed and pack in record time before banging on AJ's door with the hopes that AJ would agree to the long drive.

And now here they were, about three hours from Kentucky, the dream still haunting his mind.

"Psst, Brian," I heard Leighanne whisper as she poked her head in the door of my hospital room and motioned to my brother, "Is she up for visitors?"

Brian glanced over to where I was laying half asleep and gave me his questioning eyebrows. I smiled, "Of course." I might be exhausted, but the company kept my mind off things.

Brian nodded towards Leighanne and she opened the door carefully as my nephew Baylee walked cautiously into the room. He stood by the door for a minute, obviously apprehensive to come closer until I smiled.

"It's okay Bay, you can come see me if you want."

He looked up at his mom who nodded her approval and then he smiled quickly as he bounded across the room before clamboring carefully into the bed beside. Brian moved quickly to grab him, afraid he might hurt me I guess, but I shook my head as he curled into my arms for a cuddle. I needed it after all... and it felt good to have somebody to hold instead of somebody holding me for a change.

I snuggled Baylee against my chest and dipped my nose into his curly blond hair. He smelled good and felt soft... like a baby... sigh. He looked up and gave me a sweet smile.

"I missed you Auntie Grace."

"I missed you too Bay-Bug."

"Are you feeling all better yet?"

I nodded and wrinkled my nose up at him, "I do now that you're here."

He laughed and wrapped his arms tightly around my neck. I wished for a minute that I could keep him forever. He could remind me how many good things I had to live for. We sat and talked for a long time about tv shows and pre-school. He sang me one of his new Sunday school songs and we sang some of "He's Got the Whole World in His Hands" together. We cuddled together for a little while... a wonderful distraction if only for a moment.

About 30 minutes into our visit there was a knock on the door and my doctor walked in. I knew the party was over. She walked to my side of the bed and sat down in the chair as all eyes in the room focused on the two of us. She turned to the group around me and asked if we could have a few minutes alone. Brian glanced at me and I nodded back, giving Baylee a kiss on the cheek as his father scooped him up off the bed and lifted him to his shoulders.

"Time to go Bee," he crooned, as he leaned down and kissed the top of my head, "We'll be down in the cafeteria if you need us for anything okay?"

I nodded and told them goodbye as they left the room, Brian giving me one last supportive wink as he walked out. I turned my attention to my doctor then, her concerned expression made me incredibly uneasy.

Nick gave a huge sigh of relief as he steered the car off I-75 onto Paris Pike, the last turn into the Lexington. He felt as if they'd been driving forever, his nerves completely shot. AJ sat next to him, map in hand as he hollered out instructions Nick didn't even need and flicked cigarette ashes out the open window.

"So the hospital's like how far from here?" He asked as he turned the map one direction and then flipped it the other.

"Uh.. it's like 15 or 20 minutes from here depending on traffic," Nick mumbled as he stopped at the red light and waited for traffic to pass. He'd made the trip enough times over the past month that he could probably do it blindfolded.

He turned at the first break in traffic and eased into the turning lane so he could pull into the first gas station they came to. He had no desire to stop for gas now... in fact, it was the last thing he wanted to do considering the past two hours he'd struggled with an agonizing need to get to the hospital as fast as humanly possible... but he knew running out of gas would get him nowhere. He hopped from his car into the practically empty parking lot and went to work on filling the gas tank as quickly as he could.

AJ hopped out of the passenger side and headed into the gas station. The man at the counter gave him a double take before turning to ring up the customer he'd already been waiting on. AJ wondered silently if the look was from recognition... or from suspicion of his tattoos. He made his way through the small store, grabbing a couple of waters from the back cooler before returning to the desk to pay. As he stood at the counter his cellphone rang.

"Mclean," he stated, answering the phone with one hand and handing the cashier a twenty with the other.

"AJ?" a voice on the other end came through weakly.

"Howie? Is that you?"

"Hey Aje... yeah it's me. Where are you guys?" Howie's voice sounded distant... tired. That concerned AJ more than he liked to admit.

"We just got off the interstate man... should be there really shortly. How's Grace?" AJ asked the question, sensing that Howie wasn't just calling for the small talk.

"Just get here as soon as you can... alright man?"

"Alright D."

AJ hung up the phone and accepted his change from the cashier, ignoring his questions of "Hey now, aren't you that one guy from that boy band that one time?" as he hurried back out to the car to find Nick already buckled in and ready to go.

Their drive to the University of Kentucky's campus passed without event. Traffic was mild for a Tuesday afternoon in Lexington and Nick couldn't help but feel thankful for that. Once they hit campus though, everything changed. They'd found themselves sitting in bumper to bumper traffic on Rose Street inching along only a few feet every minute or so as more cars pulled out of side streets and parking lots and students dodged in and out of traffic on their bicycles and with their backpacks without a care in the world other than making it to their classes on time.

Nick sat in the driver's seat, his head leaned back against the headrest, his hands rubbing his face as he willed the traffic to move along faster. When that didn't work, he simply sat there and closed his eyes for a moment. Watching the students pass was nearly too much for him. This was where Grace should be... here at UK working on her Master's degree, not in the hospital be pumped full of the chemicals that made completeing her dreams impossible.

His eyes filled with tears as a couple walked by on the sidewalk. They were holding hands and looking happy. The guy stopped and kissed the girl gently on the lips before they parted ways, the guy heading into a campus building, the girl skipping off down the sidewalk. Nick couldn't help but think how much he would rather be visiting Grace here on campus. How he'd walk her to class and kiss her goodbye knowing he'd see her in an hour... knowing he'd see her again at all.

He smiled in spite of himself remembering the first time he'd visited her. It hadn't been that long ago, a little over a year. He'd come to town to visit Brian on one of their tour breaks, or at least that's what he'd told Brian at the time, and he'd snuck away for an afternoon just to see how the girl he had a little more than a crush on at the time was doing.

"Let's get some lunch, I'm staaaarving," Grace urged Nick along, pulling his hand as she led him between the campus buildings. A request he couldn't argue with as his stomach growled loudly.

"No kidding," He laughed when she gave him a funny look, "Where are you taking me to eat?"

"Hmm..." She scratched her chin as they strolled along, her fingers enterlaced with his as they crossed a street, running faster when the light turned green and a car honked. "There's a little sandwhich place called Ovid's under the library, it's really delicious."

Nick nodded, "Delicious is right up my alley."

They rounded a corner and Nick caught sight of what can only be described as a building sitting on top of a hill that's surrounded by a big hole. "What's this?" He asked as they began to trudge on the circular sidewalk that surrounded the pit in the earth.

"Oh... this is our library. They built it on sink hole or something like. It's kinda cool though huh?"

Nick nodded, "It would be hella fun to sled down in the winter."

"If it ever snowed!" Gracie laughed, "But you know what, there's something else you can do..."

Nick eyed her curiously, his smile growing at her giddyness, "What?"

Her fingers slipped from his grasp and she took off running. He followed until they were seated side-by-side at the top of the sink hole. She leaned over and kissed him gently on the cheek before laying down on her back in the grass and rolling all the way down the hill.

Nick couldn't help but be both amazed and a little nervous. He looked around quickly to make sure she hadn't drawn a bunch of unwanted attention... she hadn't. In fact, no one seemed to even notice. And then, he felt jealous. He felt the sudden urge to lay down in the grass and roll himself.

"Come on then, try!" Grace yelled as she stood up at the bottom of the hole, out of breath and full of giggles.

And without knowing what had taken over him, Nick found himself rolling. He rolled and rolled, and laughed and laughed until he too was at the bottom of the sink hole. He laid on his back when he finally stopped and stared up into Grace's eyes. They were filled with tears of laughter, her nose was running and she wiped it on her sleeve. He made fun of her for doing that and then laughed and offered her his sleeve just to be sweet before he wrapped her in his arms and hugged her tightly.

Nick remembered that moment as if it had only happened seconds before. He remembered the loook on her face when she pulled away from his embrace, and how they'd had their first real kiss only seconds later. He remembered thinking how he'd never met anyone quite like her before and how he could easily see himself loving this carefree, easy spirited girl forever.

His thoughts of the past were quickly turned back to the here and now though when AJ hit him gently in the arm and pointed out that the traffic was moving once more. After a few more minutes of inching along, the hospital finally came into view.

Nick hated hospitals. Hated everything about them from the food to the smells to the very idea of why they existed. A place where all the sick people had to stay. And UK was no different. Sure it was a nice enough hospital as far as hospitals were concerned, but it was still a hospital and no amount of anything anyone could say or do could change that simple fact.

He pulled off of the main road and into the parking garage after what seemed like way too many mintues of sitting in traffic. He collected a ticket and didn't even bother looking for a parking spot at first, passing plenty as he steered his car straight to the top floor. Very few people parked up there, mostly just employees, and so they were far less likely to be bothered walking in.

He pulled into an empty space and turned to AJ. This was it. AJ nodded his head and put his hand silently on Nick's shoulder as if to say, "I'm here for you bro." They slid on their sunglasses and baseball caps on the outside chance that they did run into anyone who might recognize them, clambored out of the car and rode the elevator down to the main floor where they headed towards the Markey Cancer Center - a place Nick had come to know too well.

They slipped through the door, Nick in front of AJ, and immediately the woman seated behind the front desk stood. She opened the little window that separated her from the hall and motioned them forwards. Nick gave her a small smile when she handed him two visitors passes and thanked her politely when she slid the paper with Grace's room number on it across the desk.

"2nd floor and to your left sweetheart," she smiled with a wink as he and AJ turned down the hall and headed off towards the elevators.

Nick definitely appreciated the kindness of the women who always sat at that desk. He'd come to know them well too and they treated him with immense respect and were wonderful about honoring his privacy.

The elevator doors opened and the two men stepped inside. Nick quickly recognized the woman riding with them as one of Grace's nurses immediately and she smiled, "Here to visit?" Nick nodded his head in return as the elevator stopped on their floor. It opened and the three of them stepped out.

"I can take you to her room."

Nick and AJ followed behind as the woman led them down the long hallway. She paused briefly at a doorway marked "Family Waiting Area" and motioned towards it, "Just so you know, we've made this your family's private waiting area. Grace's room is just down the hall there and to the right." They thanked her quickly as she headed back down the hallway towards the elevator and AJ turned to open the waiting area door. The room was empty.

Nick was already headed down the hallway so AJ closed the door and followed quickly behind. The moment they turned at the end of the hall they caught sight of everyone standing huddled outside her room.

Nick stopped dead in his tracks and everyone turned to look. His heart dropped when he saw Brian's face. It was stained with tears, his eyes bloodshot. Leighanne leaned over and whispered something in his ear and he reached up to quickly wipe his eyes.

Howie was the first to speak after awkward moments of long silence had passed. He rushed forward and gave AJ and Nick each a small hug, "Thank God you're here!"

Kevin was the next to move in. He hugged the young man with great strength before holding him out at arms length and staring him down.

"Wh... what?" Nick whispered... "What's wrong?"

Kevin sighed, "Things aren't going well Nick. The doctor came down to talk to her a few hours ago and ever since then she won't let any of us in the room or tell us what's wrong. She's been in there by herself for hours now and she's only letting the nurses in. They said they gave her something to help her relax and sleep... but Nick, no one knows what's going on... and Brian's really freaking out."

Nick could feel the tension building in his body and releasing at the same time. Building because she needed him... releasing because at least she was still alive to need him. When he'd turned down that hallway and seen Brian in obvious tears, his thoughts had wandered to dark places... awful places. He'd thought she was gone. He'd thought he was too late. But now, as relieved as he was that she wasn't, he was equally as terrified for the woman he loved laying in a bed beyond that door, suffering more than he could ever imagine, and he'd been too big an ass to be there for her when she needed him most.

He pushed past Kevin and Howie and walked up to where Brian was leaning against the wall by her door. He hugged him tightly. He turned to give Leighanne a kiss on the cheek and then, breathing a deep breath of air, he opened the door to Grace's hospital room just enough to allow himself to slip into the darkened room.

The shades were pulled and all was quiet except for the steady beeping sounds from the monitors beside her bed. He stood back for a moment by the door and took in the sight of the woman he loved more than life itself laying in her hospital bed. Her face was pale and thin and a wet washrag lay across her forehead. He could hear the gentle sounds of her breathing as he moved closer and sat down in the chair beside her bed.

He sat there beside her and watched her sleep just as he'd so often done in the weeks after she'd first gotten sick. She looked so beautiful, and yet, there was something different. Something he hadn't noticed before during those many nights of watching her dozing. Today her eyes were moist as if she'd been crying for hours and dark circles had formed beneath her them. She looked tired and worried, not peaceful like she'd always looked before.

He hated himself in that moment for what he'd done to her. For what he'd put her through by not being there for her. He took her hand in his and held it tightly, tracing the lines of her veins as he leaned down and gently kissed her cheek.

"Oh God, Gracie... I'm so sorry. I'm here now, and I promise you I'm not going anywhere."

I could sense him there beside me before I even opened my eyes. I felt his warm hands embracing mind, our fingers interlaced and our palms sweaty against each other. The feel of his warm breath on the back of my arm coupled with the sound of his soft snores gave the comfort of knowing he was right there next to me before I fully even realized he was really right there next to me. And for a minute I didn't want to open my eyes. I didn't want the dream to end. I think I truly believed if I kept my eyes closed I could pretend I was back in Hawaii, back in another time...

But then the cramping in my abdomen came. That same harsh reminder that I couldn't escape my new reality.

I forced myself to open my eyes and then blinked many times as I waited for the room to stop spinning around me. The medication had worked wonders at helping me relax but the after effects weren't nearly as pleasant. I blinked a couple more times before peering around the room to take in my surroundings. It was dark now, the shades drawn and the clock radio beside my bed read 9:45 pm. Nick must have left the radio on when he came in because it was still tuned to my favorite country station and Kenny Chesney was singing about having another beer in Mexico... I wished I was.

I reached across the bed with my free hand and hit the button to turn on the lamp. With the new light in the room I was able to see Nick clearly for the first time. His face looked so tired, his brow furrowed in a less than peaceful expression. I hated to see the stress that all of this had put on him. I hated to see the stress that all of this was putting on all of my friends and family. I reached out and ran my hand through his blonde hair. It felt soft and and comfortable in my fingers and instinctively I reached up to my own head, wondering how long it would be before the chemo claimed my long curls.

Nick stirred beside me as I loosened my other hand from his grip. He rubbed his eyes against his arm, finally stirring completely awake after several more moments. He looked around as if he'd forgotten where he was but the moment his eyes came to focus on mine, I smiled. He smiled back timidly then, reaching to take my hand once more in his.

"Hi," I whispered, a bit unsure of what exactly I should say. There were no real words for a situation like this one.

"Hi," he said it back, standing quickly before sitting on my bed to face me. His eyes began to fill with tears and mine echoed his. His voice faltered when he tried to speak again, "Bu-baby... I... I... I never should have left you. I... I'm just so sorry."

I watch for a few seconds as his tears fell faster and he wiped his cheek on the sleeve of his sweatshirt. Even if I had wanted to be mad at him for leaving me, in that moment I couldn't be, because in that moment I knew deep in my heart that he was telling the truth. That he was truly sorry. And so was I.

I leaned forward, pulling him into the tightest hug I could manage between the tubes and my stitches, and it wasn't nearly tight enough. I wanted my body to melt into his. I wanted to disappear into his arms... into his heart and hide away there forever.

"I'm sorry too." I sniffed the words, hiding my faces as deep in his scent as I could get.

"But baby," Nick responded quickly, pulling me away from his chest so that I was looking him in the eye, "You have absolutely nothing to be sorry for!"

I shook my head. "I do!" I sobbed thinking about everything that had been ruined because of me. Nick looked shocked as he sat there with me curled once more in his arms, he continued to reassure me, "No you don't."

But the dam had broken. The tears were falling and everything came spilling out. "Nick, I've ruined everything for us..." I sniffled, sitting back against my pillow once more. I took the hand that Nick was holding and rested it against my belly. I couldn't believe how empty I felt... I'd lost so much. So much. "... I... I mean I got sick and had to have chemo and surgery... and now I can't have kids Nick, and we were supposed be getting married and now I have to have even more chemo... and the doctor said... she said..." I tired my best to choke back the sobs but they kept coming stronger and stronger. The pain was growing worse and I could tell by the tears spilling down Nick's cheeks that I was making it worse for him to.

I sighed and thought about all that the doctor had told me and the tears just came even stronger, "I don't want to die Nick... Oh God... I don't wanna die."

I felt Nick's arms wrap tightly around me then as he pulled me close and held me tightly. "It's okay Gracie... look at me... everything's gonna be okay."

He held me in his arms for a long, long time, rocking me back and forth as I cried and he cried with me. After what felt like forever, after feeling like the tears would never ever stop, they did. Nick loosened his grip slowly and lowered me back onto my pillow. He climbed under the covers beside me and pulled me close and we laid there in bed together for hours until both of us fell fast asleep.

The next two weeks were spent in the hospital, but at least they seemed to go by in a blur. Brian, Howie and AJ remained in Lexington for a few days following my surgery before they had to take a red eye to Florida to deal with some album issues. Brian didn't want to leave and it was tough convincing him to go and not come back as soon as they were finished, but Leighanne and Baylee had returned to Atlanta and needed him more there.

Good byes were bitter sweet and probably will be from now on but I made a vow the night Nick came back that I would leave nothing unsaid. Every good bye would be a good bye just in case. I spent time with each of the guys separately just trying to make sure they knew how grateful I was for everything they'd done and how much it meant that they'd been there when it mattered most. Especially AJ. That conversation was one of the hardest I've ever had because there were no words adequate to describe just how thankful I was that he'd brought Nick back when he had.

Nick and I had spent long hours since his return talking about everything that had happened and everything that would be happening in the coming months. I'll never forget the look on his face when I told him that I had been pregnant. Somehow I think I believed that it wouldn't effect him as much as it had effected me. Somehow I thought... well I don't know what I thought, but he was heartbroken. He crawled into bed beside me and laid his hand on my stomach, I reached my own hand down to his and pulled it up to my heart. I apologized for everything again. For all the things I didn't need to apologize for, because I felt like I had to.

14 days in the hospital and Nick never once left my side. He ate in my room, he slept in my room and he even showered in my private bathroom. The first week was spent confined to my bed as my body began to heal. We watched movies together and listened to music and slept a lot. I hadn't brought up the fact that Nick had skipped town even once since the night he returned and as far as I was concerned it was a fact better left in the past. All that mattered to me was that he was there now and all I wanted to think about was enjoying the present part of our lives together.

Almost a week after my surgery the doctor's gave me permission to go outside, so long as I stayed in my wheelchair. It was wonderful. We spent hours just walking around UK's campus, basking in the sunshine and enjoying the gorgeous weather. The temperatures were perfect and the dogwood trees were in full bloom as Nick pushed me along the sidewalk in front of the towers, my favorite spot on the campus. I loved being able to get outside again and was even able to visit with a couple of classmates when I ran into them heading out of one of their classes... one of my classes.

Nick went mostly undected simply by wearing a Kentucky ball cap and sunglasses. His beard had grown scruffy from staying with me in the hospital and frankly I don't think most people stare too hard at the young guy pushing around the wheelchair with the pale, skinny, sickly looking girl.

The second week had been spent making plans for the rest of my treatment. Radiation and chemotherapy were words I'd hoped to never hear again and yet, here they were staring me down in the worst way. I recieved my first treatment several days before leaving the hospital, and everyday after. Luckily so far this chemo hadn't been quite as nauseating as the first. Don't get me wrong, the icky feeling was certainly there and the knowledge that I didn't know from one second to the next exactly how I'd feel was a bit nervewracking, but it wasn't as bad as vomiting for hours and hours at a time.

We arrived home on May 10th, exactly two weeks after my surgery. I'd had my fourth chemo treatment that morning and was feeling the effects. I had never been happier than when Nick opened the door of my apartment and led me inside.

Home at last.

I walked to the couch and flopped down, stretching myself out as Nick followed closely behind and covered me carefully with my warm fleece blanket. I snuggled deep down beneath the covers and thanked God for helping me through. Nick got me a glass of water from the kitchen and came back to sit beside me.

"You okay?" He asked as he rubbed my feet gently, reaching over to grab the tv remote with his free hand.

I nodded and smiled weakly at him.

"Comfortable?"

"Mmmhmm." I closed my eyes and leaned back into the sofa, so happy to be in my home with it's familiar surroundings and everything my own.

Of course my apartment was nothing compared to the homes Nick had lived in... but it was mine and I loved it. It was comfortable and roomy, located in downtown Lexington right over the library overlooking a park where people gathered in the summer to buy hot dogs from a street vendor.

Nick stood and went to the window. He pulled back the drapes and sighed.

"Do you like it here Nick?" I whispered when he closed the curtains again and came back to sit down.

He frowned, "Of course. Lexington really is beautiful... it just takes some getting used to when you've been looking out at the ocean all your life."

I nodded, "We can visit the ocean a lot... we can go soon."

He smiled, "We will... but for now, you need to just concentrate on getting better. For now, I don't think we should get our hopes up on going anywhere anytime soon."

I nodded as tears sprang to my eyes. He was right. I had one hell of a fight ahead of me and that had to come first. The doctors hadn't given me a tremendous amount of hope... only a 25% chance for survival... but I sure as hell wasn't giving up without a fight.

Nick snuggled up closer to me on the sofa and kissed my neck gently, "I don't need to go anywhere though. Here's good... here's where we both belong."