-- Early December 2007 --

Tick tock, tick tock.

I sat quietly at the kitchen table of our house in Los Angeles and looked down at the sheet of paper in my hands. The sound of the clock on the wall ticking behind me was enough to draw my focus away from the work I really needed to do.

The assignment didn't sound too difficult and it had definite potential -- I just didn't know which direction I wanted to go with it. I must have read that paragraph 50 times, over and over again and again, tossing around ideas in my mind, jotting them down on a sheet of paper and contemplating them repeatedly before one clear thought came to my mind...

Life.

I shot up out of my chair and headed upstairs to my office. I opened the door and fumbled through the closet, digging through boxes until I finally found what I'd been looking for. I pulled out my video camera and flipped it on, thankful when the red light blinked, signaling that it still had some life left in it. I headed back downstairs and sat down with my piece of paper again. I wrote out a list of ideas and dates, special events and plans for my project and slid the paper back into my folder. I had to admit I was pretty excited about getting this thing started...

-- December 31st, 2007, 5:00 pm --

"Hey there," I whispered to my husband as I stepped out onto the balcony of our hotel room in New York City. I closed the door quickly behind me so as not to let all the cold air in, and stood there quietly for a few moments waiting for him to acknowledge my prescence. He nodded his head without looking up and whispered back, "hey babe," before returning to his writing, too focused to really stop and notice me.

The afternoon air was freezing cold, and flurries of snow were falling from the sky. I shivered as I pulled my sweater tighter around me. I could hear the sounds of people in the streets below, beginning to gather for the New Year's festivities. And to think, in a few short hours we'd be smack in the middle of it all.

I walked over to the edge of the balcony and peered down into the crowded alleyway that ran alongside our hotel. The same alley that tonight would be the site of a major party. We were a long way up and the people below us looked tiny... like dollhouse figurines you could pick up in your fingers and move around. Like you could just manipulate them anyway you wished. Like you could, for a moment, control the world.

I thought about that for a few minutes, what I'd do with the people if I could do with them what I wished... but of course I couldn't really do anything with them at all so I shook my head and turned my mind to something else. I flipped out my video camera and aimed it down at them instead. There were so many people there. People laughing and people smiling and people talking happily... enjoying the day. And then there people walking busily by as if those partygoers were just in their way. As if the whole occasion was one big nuisance affecting what should be their every day life. I would prefer to think if I were down in the crowd, I'd be one of the people laughing and smiling. I often wondered when society had gotten so busy that we couldn't even slow down to celebrate the best season of the year.

After growing bored with the people, I turned around and began filming AJ, who at the moment looked deeply lost in thought. After two years of marriage this was look I'd grown to know and love. Of course, I also should know better than to bother him in such a moment... but isn't that what spouses are for?

"What are you thinking about?" I asked him as I nudged his knee with my toes causing him to jump a little.

"Nothin'." He replied, rubbing his knee as if I'd kicked him. I rolled my eyes because of course, I hadn't... and seriously, I hated that answer. The patented answer he always gave anytime I asked him a question where it worked. I stuck my tongue out at him and nudged him once again.

He looked up at me then and gave me an annoyed glance.

"Um... Jess," he said pausing briefly to paste a questioning look on his face before motioning his hand upwards and pointing at the object I was holding, "What's with the camera?"

I smiled as I slid myself down onto the cold tiled floor beside him. I gasped a little, feeling as if my buttcheeks were freezing to the ground, before answering his question.

"Well Aje," I began to explain as I focused the video camera on his beautiful eyes -- the same eyes I'd fallen in love with four years earlier, and the same eyes I continued to fall in love with over and over every single day -- "You know that film class I enrolled in?" He nodded. "Well... this is one of my projects."

I flipped the camera off of him and turned it towards the skyline in the distance. We had an amazing view of the city from our balcony even when we were sitting down.

"Oh." His response was short, not too enthusiastic, but not necessarily snarky either and he eyed me suspiciously.

And so I took my chance right then.

"Alex?" I asked pointing the camera towards him once more. He glanced over and nodded in my direction as if giving me permission to continue with my question. As if I really needed permission at all. "Do you have any New Year's resolutions?"

He rolled his eyes. "Oh, I get it now... this is an interview?"

I shook my head and leaned over to set the camera on the chair in the corner of the balcony making sure it was turned towards the two of us.

"Nope," I answered leaning in and giving him a kiss on the cheek. He returned with a gentle kiss on the lips and a look that said he still didn't believe me but maybe if I kissed him a few more times it could be something he could get into.

"Then what is it?" He finally broke down and asked when I didn't offer any more kisses or further explanation.

"Just life." I answered as I cuddled in close and rested my head on his chest.

"Life?" He gave me another strange look but wrapped his arms around me pulling me closer to him.

"Just life." I repeated it again.

"You're odd," he replied laughing as he looked towards the camera and back out into the city... "but I love you that way. And yes, I have resolutions... but I'm not going to share them."

I shook my head and he reached out to tickle me. I laughed as he stood and turned, leaning down close to kiss me, passionately this time as he pulled me up off the balcony floor and took my hand. I reached to grab the camera before we walked inside but he got there first. He scooped it up with his hand and I shot him a look that said, "Don't you dare do anything stupid!" He smiled at me and laughed turning it so that it was now focused on me.

The tables were turned.

"Jess," he said in a very serious manner as he flashed me an evil grin, "Do you have any new year's resolutions?"

I couldn't help but grow giddy at the sight of him standing in the doorway holding the camera. He had the corniest of smiles plastered on his face and he seemed to be anxiously anticipating my answer. I'd really wished I was the one holding the camera right then because it was a memory I would have loved to have saved. He moved the camera from his face and gave me a look that said, "Answer the question already dammit!" and that was it for me.

"Mmm," I said as I walked over and pulled him closer to me, kissing his neck gently, "I have some resolutions..." I smiled as he kissed my forehead and I slid my hand down his waist to unfasten his blue jeans feeling him sigh in my arms, "but I'm not so sure they can wait until New Year's." I slipped from his arms and smiled at him.

He just about dropped the camera when I said it and I had to laugh at the look on his face. I nodded and headed towards the bedroom door, as AJ followed behind, the camera dangling at his side. I pointed down to where it hung and shook my head. He looked down too, realizing what I was talking about and suddenly he flipped the camera to focus on himself.

"Sorry all you film viewers," He spoke quickly as he took my arm and pulled me towards the bedroom eagerly. "This is not something I'm willing to share."

-- December 31st, 2007, 11:55 pm --

Five minutes until midnight.

Five minutes until 2008.

Five minutes until the project really, officially got underway.

I held the camera in my hand as I had been for the past three hours, luckily I had a very small camera so it was easy to carry around. I had planned on filming tiny moments from the entire evening and piecing them together in the end, but I'd barely turned off the camera since the moment we'd arrived.

I stood in one corner of the room, focusing in on Carrie Underwood and some guy, not really certain who he was, but it didn't matter. I filmed them for a few moments and then turned to focus on Brian and Leighanne. They were dancing together to whatever slow song was playing at the moment... I didn't know the name. Aj was off somewhere talking to JC Chasez about their 'next big project' so I knew I had a couple more minutes to film the action before the ball dropped and we had our perfect kiss.

I'd been nervous about bringing the camera with me at first, but I'd realized early on that celebrities are surprisingly easy to talk too... dare I say, even chipper, on New Year's Eve. Of course that may have something to do with the copious amounts of free alcohol being served to them, but that's beside the point. I'd walked around the room a few times and filmed people. Many had waved and some had stopped me to say 'hi' and "Happy New Year." I think most of them thought I worked for MTV but I didn't mind, it was getting the job done. I was even able to encourage a good number of people to tell me their resolutions.

Leighanne wanted to spend a week alone with Brian in some far off land away from everyone else. She sighed into the camera when she finished telling me and the two of us paused, looking over to where our husbands were talking and laughing with a big group of people. Yeah... I could totally relate.

Howie said he hoped to start a family with Leigh and Nick came up behind him and wished him luck. Although it was more like, "Good luck man... I thought I heard you say you never had sex anymore." I laughed knowing it was only a joke and watched as Howie took off after Nick. The two of them eventually ended up at the bar having another round together so they must have worked things out.

Nick said he wanted 'a new momma'... or was that 'baby momma.' Okay I'm not really certain and I'm not sure he was either. I was pretty sure, nay positive, he was intoxicated by that point... but intoxication makes Nick funnier... and he's pretty damn funny to begin with so I filmed him anyway.

Joey Fatone pasted a sly grin on his face and told me he wanted to fly into space. The two of us had a good laugh over it but Lance Bass didn't seem to find it funny. Joey apologized later in his own way by singing a very drunken karaoke version of "I'm Leavin' on a Jet Plane." Lance didn't find that particularly funny either.

When Lance's turn came around he told me he wanted to start a charity for underpriviledged kids. Well then, that's Lance for you, always doing his part to change the world.

I took the camera off of Brian and Leighanne and zoomed it over to where AJ and JC had been standing only moments before... or was that minutes before. One thing for certain, they weren't standing there anymore. I felt a hand slide onto my waist and was just about to smack whoever it was for being dirty when I felt his familiar lips on my neck.

"Baby," He said as he pulled me in closer to him, I looked back and made the "huh?" face at him, "Put the camera away."

I laughed and laid it in the middle of our table where I knew it wouldn't go missing. He pointed up to the clock and I noticed for the first time that we were down to less than a minute. He pulled me closer still and we watched on the big screen as the ball plummeted closer and closer to it's targeted destination.

10... 9... 8... 7...

"Alex?" He looked at me and smiled.

6... 5... 4... 3...

"What are your new year's resolutions?" He smiled again.

2... 1...

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

-- January 1st, 2008, 12:00 am --

At that moment our lips met and everything around me, the world and all of the people in it disappeared and he and I were the only ones there. These were the kind of moments that made me love him more every day of our lives together. We stayed that way, lips locked, kissing for what felt like forever. It was a good kind of forever though... the kind you didn't want to end. After a while I felt someone touch my hand and I looked up to see Nick filming us.

"Thought you might like that." He said.

I smiled... I did.

AJ glanced up into my eyes and we stood there for the longest time.

"You wanted to know what my resolutions were Jess?" I nodded.

"To be here again next year... kissing you." I smiled and kissed him again.

-- January 5, 2008, somewhere in between New York and LA--

"Seriously Jessica," Aj spat from the driver's seat of our brand new Cadillac Escalade (a Christmas present from AJ... to himself). If I hadn't known any better I would've thought he was annoyed with me... but of course, I did know better. I didn't have to think he was annoyed at all, I simply knew it. In fact, he'd been annoyed with me since pretty much the moment we'd left our hotel room in New York two days before and set foot in our car for the long jourmey home. And he let me know just how annoyed he was every single chance he got.

Let's just say, sometimes it's a damn good thing I'm in love with the man.

"What Aje?" I asked as I rolled my eyes and attempted to sound just as annoyed right back at him. I was sitting in the passenger seat, the windows rolled down, my feet up on the dashboard, bopping my head along with the country music that filled the car as I filming the scenery passing by.

We were somewhere in Texas now... or maybe New Mexico? I didn't exactly know anymore to be honest. The roads all seemed to run together in endless... well... endlessness, but it didn't matter anyway, at least I was enjoying myself. Unlike some people.

Aj reached over and turned the radio off, before glaring at me, or at least as best as a person can glare at someone out of the corner of their eye while you're trying to focus on the road at the same time.

"You've been filming out that car window since we left New York," he spoke through gritted teeth, "Could you stop and maybe talk to me or something."

Damn. Now I felt bad.

Of course, it was true what he said. I loved riding in the car more than just about anything in the world, and since I was working on my project, I'd thought maybe I could capture something spectacular if I just kept shooting out the window. Unfortunately, unless you counted the five car fender bender we'd passed yesterday around Ohio, or the Armadillo in the middle of the road about an hour before... well I hadn't caught much but trees and mountains and now the desert rushing by as we sped along on the interstate.

I sighed and set my feet back on the floor, I rolled up the window and flipped on the AC. It was getting warmer by the second as we drove further and further west.

Some winter.

I reached up and set the camera on the dashboard and leaned back into my seat.

"Sorry," I whispered... and I really did mean it, "what do you want to talk about?"

"Without the camera Jess." He glared over at me again and I could tell without even looking that he was rolling his eyes.

And so I lied, "It's not on."

"Jessica, seriously, I'm not stupid, I can see the little red light."

I sighed again and reached up to turn it off. My pain in the ass of a husband could really put a damper on this project.

"Okay then, what do you wanna talk about?"

Aj simply shook his head, reached to flick the radio back on and turned his eyes back towards the open road before him. We sat in silence for a half hour or so before l finally gave up, grabbed my camera again and clicked it back on, aiming it out the window just in time to catch the most marvelous sunset I've ever seen.

-- January 16, 2008, 9:00 am --

I stepped out of our room with the video camera. He looked up at me and rolled his eyes before I even had a chance to say anything. He hadn't been too thrilled with my project since our road trip and he acted pretty much the same every time I took the camera out now. Pissed off.

I shook my head at him and set it on shelf. "It's not for you," I said reassuring him as I walked over to put my shoes on.

He looked at me and nodded.

"I'm sorry babe, it's just... well you've been filming with that thing for weeks now. Don't you think you have enough?"

I shook my head. I wouldn't have enough for a long, long time. Judging by the look on his face I just had to hope he didn't kill me before this project was finished.

"You'll know when I'm done." I said, not so much because he needed an answer but more because I felt like giving one. I grabbed my keys off the table and started to walk over to grab the camera.

"Where are you going?" He sounded interested, not uncaring. I had a feeling before I answered though that I knew where this was headed.

"I'm going to work." It should have been obvious what with the nursing scrubs I was wearing.

"Work?"

"Yeah work Aje..." I said knowing exactly where the conversation was turning now. "It's a novel idea you should try it sometime." Ouch. I knew I shouldn't have said it but it was too late. The words slipped out of my mouth before I took the time to think about them. He looked at me and started to say something but bit his tongue instead.

'Lucky for him,' I thought... 'I'm so not in the mood for this argument today'.

Truthfully I was never in the mood for that argument and it was one we frequently had. Aj didn't understand why I kept my job. He said he made plenty of money for the both of us and he'd wanted me to quit my job so that I could go on tour with him. I'd tried it once, in an honest effort to support him, I really had... but the fact was, I liked my job. I liked working, I liked making my own money and I liked not being completely dependent upon someone else. So shoot me.

The argument, which we had often, was pretty repetitive. I would wake up in the morning to go to work and he would ask me what I was doing. I'd say 'going to work captain obvious,' and he'd roll his eyes, or scoff or do any number of other things to piss me off or hurt my feelings. I didn't think he really meant it... at least I hoped he never really meant it... but I wasn't about to give up something I loved so much simply because he made enough money for me to do so.

"Are you taking the camera with you?" He asked me obviously giving up on the argument early this time around.

"Planning on it." I had already asked permission from some of the patients and families and I'd chosen today to take the camera with me and film some of their new year's resolutions.

"You work at a children's hospital with dying kids... why would you want to film something like that?"

I rolled my eyes, that one really took the cake.

"First of all," I said grabbing the camera off the shelf, "I work in a children's hospital with LIVING kids!" (I, like many of my coworkers hated the word 'dying'), "and secondly," I said it as I headed for the door, "I think you'd be surprised at the kind of things these children have to say!"

He backed down, very quickly. "I wasn't saying... I just... oh hell nevermind."

"No AJ. I know exactly what you were saying."

I knew. Honestly it wasn't the question that bothered me... a lot of people would wonder that same thing. It was the way he said it. It was always the way he said it.

He just shook his head. "I guess I'll never understand how you do that job. I mean you don't talk about it."

I knew he was trying to weasel his way out of the argument. I decided to let it slide this time. Maybe I could at least talk to him and make him understand a little bit. I sat down beside him on the couch and put my hand on his knee. "AJ," I said as he looked up at me, "I never asked you to understand my job, just to accept the fact that I love my job and that I do my job. And I don't talk about it because it's kind of the written rule in the medical profession that you don't bring your work home with you. If I talked about it... about every heartbreak and every sick child and every child who eventually died... I'd be depressed all of the time."

He nodded. Maybe he was starting to understand. At that point I didn't really care.

"I can't imagine getting attached to all those kids." He said.

It was my turn to nod. "It's not easy Alex. I still remember every name of every child who ever died in my care. I've been there 6 years now and I've lost 21 children. I still remember every single one of them."

He looked at me curiously, "Seriously?"

"Seriously." I sighed and stared down at my purse. Maybe now was the time to share it with him. "Would you like to hear about a few?"

"Uh... yeah I guess." I never talked about my job so he understandably seemed a little shocked. I glanced up at the clock and realized I had a good 20 minutes til I really had to leave. I sat the camera down on the coffee table and stayed seated beside him. I grabbed my purse and pulled out a picture book. They were pictures that families had given me over the years... photos of the children, photos of me with the children, all very priceless memories.

"That's Christi," I said pointing to the first photo as I opened the album.

"She's cute." He smiled as he looked at the photo.

"Yeah..." I nodded. "she was cute." He looked up when I said it and back down at the photo again with a disheartened frown.

"Christi was 9 years old." I explained as I looked at the photo of one of my most beloved patients. She died from neuroblastoma almost 2 years ago. Neuroblastoma is the deadliest of all childhood cancers. She lived with her disease for 5 long years before she finally won her battle."

"Wow" he said looking down at the picture again. "Wait... you said 'won' her battle."

"I did," I answered looking down at the picture and running my fingers across it, "Cancer can't win Aje... life or death the patient wins no matter what."

He nodded as if he understood.

I flipped the book and did the same for each photo until I reached the last, a beautiful bald-headed girl. I smiled. "Rachel was 8 years old, she had Ewings Sarcoma and I took care of her during 32 separate hospital stays."

I heard him sniff next to me and I took his hand in mine. I felt my eyes filling with tears but I held them back... I was used to holding them back.

"She died three weeks ago when I was out of town."

He looked over at me again and noted my tears. He put his arm around me and pulled me into a kiss. "I'm sorry baby."

We sat in silence for a few moments, before I asked, "Do you understand why I don't want to give this up now?"

He nodded.

I really hoped he did.

-- January 16, 2008, 2:30 pm --

"Hey Matthew!"

I walked into his hospital room and stood at the foot of his bed just as I'd done so many times before. He nodded up at me in response and went to staring back out the window. Looking for something that didn't seem to exist.

I was used to this greeting, it was a fairly common occurance between Matthew and I.

"Matthew..." I prodded as I went around to the side of his bed and sat down in the chair where his mother usually sat. He finally looked up at me and immediately took notice of the camera I was holding.

"Whats that for?" he muttered pointing towards it.

"Well," I started as I flipped it on and sat it down on the bedside table, "I'm making a movie for a class I'm taking and I was wondering if you wanted to be one of the stars?"

His eyes lit up immediately. I'd expected this reaction... he talked about being an actor all the time.

"What's the movie about?" He asked looking a little suspicious.

"It's about life." I answered mentally noting him eye me even more nervously... I continued quickly, "But your part can be about whatever you want. Really I just want you to talk to me about anything at all that you want the world to know about you."

He nodded, "Sounds easy enough. When?"

"Right now if you want." I answered. "Or later... whenever you're ready."

He nodded again and I could tell he was thinking. "I don't think I'm ready just yet." He smiled at me. He rarely smiled.

I nodded my head and grabbed the camera off the table, flipping it off in the process. "You let me know when you're ready."

"Okay."

He was still smiling when I left his room.

It turned out to be pretty successful day. I spent most of my time talking to my patients and their families on camera, asking them their New Year's Resolutions and finding out that kids really do 'say the darndest things'. Most of the kids had simple resolutions like not fighting with their siblings, or listening to their moms and dads. Other's had more challenging ones like getting out of the hospital or beating their disease. Each resolution meant something to the child, each resolution made seemed honest and pure... the way only a child could make something sound.

I had a feeling Matthew was going to be way different.

He'd spent the last 3 months in the hospital after receiving his third bone marrow transplant. Very few people had lived to see three transplants... Matthew's story was one of the few.

In the 4 years I'd worked with him, I'd watched him grow from a young child with hopes and dreams to a teenager whose hopes and dreams were being shattered left and right, and yet he still showed a courage and strength beyond that of most adults I'd ever met.

I walked by his room one last time before leaving the hospital that afternoon. He waved to me, still smiling.

I had a feeling this film was going to do more for him than it was for me.

-- January 28, 2008, 5:00 pm --

I unlocked the front door to the house and slipped inside. I was exhausted from a long day at work and all seemed quiet. I slipped off my jacket and hung it in the hall closet along with my purse. I kicked off my shoes on the welcome mat and headed into the bedroom to change out of my work scrubs. I opted instead for a hot shower after remembering AJ's words from that morning;

"Don't forget," he'd said as he kissed me goodbye on my way out the door... "I have big plans for us tonight!"

I showered quickly, allowing the warm water to wash away all of the days worries and stresses and then hopped out and wrapped myself in a clean white towel. I usually loved the smell of fresh laundered towels but lately for some strange reason the odor just made me queasy. I walked out to the closet and paused there for a moment. What to wear? Aj hadn't mentioned exactly what his plans were so I opted for casual dress choosing some dressy brown pants and a sage green shirt knowing I could always change if the plans called for it.

I pulled on the pants and sat on the bed to zip them up. "Okay." I thought to myself as I struggled with the zipper. "Time to start excercising more Jessica... you're getting a little pudgy." I finally zipped the pants and slipped on the shirt before looking at myself in the mirror. "Hmm..." I thought again as I looked down at what seemed to be my expanding waistline... "Naw."

I was just finishing getting ready when I heard him call my name from the living room. I hadn't even realized he was home. I walked out the door and my nose was assaulted with a wonderful aroma. "Mmm," I said as I closed my eyes and breathed in deeply. "That smells heavenly."

I looked up and caught sight of him. He was standing there in the living room with my camera in his hands. I smiled. "Whatcha doin'?" I asked taking in the sight of him dressed in his khaki pants and a white dress shirt. I loved it when he dressed up for me.

"Well... I know how important this project is to you..." And it was true, he had become more supportive in the past couple of weeks... "So I thought I'd do some filming tonight."

I smiled again as he reached out for my hand, still filming. "Happy Anniversary Baby." He said with a grin.

"Happy Anniversary."

He set the camera down on the table and pulled me close. "I love you Jess."

"I love you too."

The evening he'd planned for me was wonderful and best of all it didn't require me to change my clothes or even leave the house. He took my hand and led me into the kitchen where he'd prepared an amazing meal of Roast and vegetables. I wasn't lying when I said it smelled heavenly. And it tasted divine. In the center of the table were a dozen red, long stemmed roses with four pink roses and two white roses mixed in. The pink, he'd explained, for every year we'd been together... the white for the two years we'd been married.

After dinner he pulled out a familiar blue box and handed it across the table to me. "Happy anniversary sweetheart," he said as I opened the box, and pulled out an incredibly beautiful bracelet. It was a charm bracelet lined in hearts... "21 of them," He told me. He'd listened that day... more than I could possibly have imagined. "Hopefully you won't have to add any more."

I stood from the table and walked over to the other side. I sat in his lap and hugged him tightly, kissing his cheek gently as the tears slipped down my cheeks. "I love this," I said... and I did. It was probably the sweetest gift he'd ever given me.

He took my hand and together we walked to our bedroom.

We made the rest of the night one of the most memorable our marriage had ever seen.

-- February 12, 2008, 11:03 am --

I leaned heavily against the bathroom door and stared up at the clock on the wall. I'd spent half the morning in that same exact spot staring at that same damned clock. This may have been the longest morning of my life. I wasn't sure exactly why I was repeating the process again for the fifth time in the last hour... maybe to make it more real? Honestly I didn't know anymore.

I did, however, know what the results were going to be. The same as they'd been the last four times, and I shouldn't be surprised.

The signs were there; my boobs were sore, I was extra exhausted, I cried at the drop of a dime and the nausea... ugh... that constant nagging all day, nonstop, nausea. Whoever named it 'morning sickness' should be drug out in the street and shot.

When the clock finally landed on 11:05 I opened the bathroom door and stepped inside. I pointed the camera up towards my face to catch the shot. (Of course I was filming this... wouldn't miss it for the world!)

"Pregnancy test, take five," I said as I smiled into the lense. I walked carefully towards the sink and aimed it down at the little white stick that was laying on the counter. I zoomed in. "One line," I said... "two lines." I zoomed back out, "There you have it folks."

I lifted the camera back to my face and couldn't help but grin "Oh my god!" I said with a smile. "It's official!"

I clicked the button off and set the camera on the sink. I grabbed the stick and sunk down onto the tiled floor staring at the test I'd just taken... along with the other four. I couldn't believe it. Well I could... Aj I and hadn't exactly been 'careful' the past few months... but I was still in a state of shock.

Were we ready for this? I knew I was. I'd always been ready to be a mother. From the moment I knew I could have kids I think my biological clock had been ticking. Aj on the other hand... that was another story. I think he wanted to have kids, eventually, but his childhood made him nervous to be a father.

So I was ready, that was for sure, but were we ready? I still didn't know.

I looked down at the sticks in my hands and sighed...

It really didn't matter now.

-- February 14, 2008, 6:30 pm --

I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to get dressed and ready, fix supper and mentally prepare for my big moment. Aj would be arriving home any minute and I wanted things to be absolutely perfect.

I'd called him earlier in the day and told him Valentine's dinner was out of the question because I was too sick to think about eating at a fancy restaurant -- and it wasn't a lie. He'd sounded bummed but I'd promised to make it up. We'd planned to watch a movie and cuddle on the couch all night.

Tonight was the night. I'd taken the tests two days before and had nearly told him at least a hundred times in those 48 hours... but I'd managed to keep my mouth shut and tonight was really the night. I wanted this Valentine's Day to be special somehow and this was the best thing I could think to do. I glanced at myself in the mirror for what must have been the twentieth time. I'd gotten dressed up and ready but I wanted to make sure I looked presentable.

Trust me, it's hard to look presentable when you've vomited 5 times in one day. Thank you morning, noon and night sickness!

On the outside I was a nervous wreck. I could only imagine how green I looked at that moment. On the inside... well I don't want to even think about what was happening in there. I was practicing my breathing techniques and trying hard not to dry heave when I heard his key jiggle in the lock. I ran over to the video camera on the shelf and pushed record. I wanted to get his reaction... his genuine reaction... so he couldn't know I was filming this. I reached down on the coffee table and picked up the test right as he walked in the door.

"Honey I'm Hoooo-- Oh. Hey." He caught sight of me and frowned laying the bouquet of roses he'd been carrying down on the table. I frowned back... why was he frowning?

"Geez babe, talk about not feeling good. I can tell... you're GREEN!" He walked over and put a hand on my forehead. I backed quickly away and he gave me a sideways glance, "You should be in bed... go I'll bring you some soup or something." I shook my head. He looked at me. I smiled.

"Why are you smiling? What's going on?"

I held my hand out to him and handed him the test. He looked down at it for a moment and then up at me, then down again and up and down and repeated the process about ten times before he finally stopped.

"Is this what I think it is?" He asked looking at me with a grin on his face. That was a good sign.

I nodded.

"You mean... you and me... us... we're gonna have a... we're gonna be...." It was clear he couldn't finish the sentence so I nodded and finished it for him.

"We're gonna have a baby Aje!" I yelled out loud thankful to finally be saying it to someone other than myself, "Happy Valentine's Day!"

I'd set myself up for a million different reactions. Sadness, anger, acceptance... but I'd never quite expected the one I received. He ran over to me and took me in his arms and picked me up.

"Oh my god babe! Oh my god!" He lifted me in the air and spun me around. I tapped his shoulder quickly and motioned for him to put me down, which when he saw the look on my face he did quickly. Spinning was definitely not a good idea in my condition.

"I'm sorry sweetheart, you okay?" He eyed me nervously.

I stood there for a minute trying to focus on keeping my stomach inside my body and after a few moments I nodded.

"So you're happy?"

He looked at me like I was nuts. "Am I happy? Of course I'm happy Jess. This is awesome news!"

I was shocked. I turned around and gave a thumbs up to the video camera on the shelf. Aj was now dancing around the living room chanting, "I'm gonna be a dad, I'm gonna be a dad!"

I sat on the couch watching him and smiled. It hadn't been the reaction I'd expected... not at all.

In fact... it had been a thousand times better.

-- February 21, 2008, 10:20 am --

I sat on the sticky, uncomfortable leather sofa in the studio at Howie and Leigh's house praying someone, anyone would just go ahead and end my misery. I should probably have been at home in bed nursing my body along but instead I was sitting there, cradling my video camera in one arm and a package of saltines in the other.

Aj had informed the guys about my project a few weeks earlier and they'd invited me along to one of their recording sessions. Not that I needed to be invited along, Howie had reminded me fifty times... I 'was always welcome.' I guess I should take a hint and start showing up to some of their things more often! But back to me... I was sitting there with my camera and my crackers wishing someone would go ahead and end my misery.

"We're ready babe!" Aj hollered out to me from inside the glass box, or "live room" he and his buds had confined themselves to. They were working on getting the lyrics straight for a new song. I was just trying to stay out of the way... well, that and keep my breakfast down. It was all starting to look unlikely at this point.

I wearily rose myself up off the couch and walked over to control area where Nick and Howie had taken a seat. Aj was bopping along inside the box to whatever feedback he was receiving in his headphones and Brian was singing opera somewhere in the background... I can only guess warming up his voice. I myself, just wanted to disappear.

"You ready?" Nick asked me as he flipped some switches and told AJ to go ahead and begin. I think I nodded.

The last thing I remembered before running out of the room to barf my toenails up was Howie looking over at me and asking if I was okay. No... no I was not. I think I murmered something along the lines of "I'm gonna hurl," and I'm pretty certain I tossed the camera at Nick before I headed out of the studio and into the bathroom that thankfully was right outside the door.

When I was about 60 percent sure I was not going to throw up again in the next five minutes I stepped away from the toilet and splashed my face with cool water. I heard Nick outside saying "Sweet! I caught that on film!" Yeah... what a memory that would be. I heard a knock at the door and Howie's concerned voice coming through, "Hey Jess... you okay in there?"

For a brief moment I wanted to say, "No I'm not and thanks to your friend out there I won't be okay again for about another 7 1/2 months!" but we weren't ready to spill the beans yet so instead I just mumbled something about being fine. I opened the door and he helped me back into the studio and onto the couch.

"Damn girl!" Nick said eyeing my curiously. "What'd you eat?"

I moaned at him... growled at him really... "Don't you dare talk about food Nick Carter! Unless you want me to rip your arms out of their sockets and beat you with them!"

He laughed, "Wow, violent aren't we."

I nodded. I had a right to be.

Aj came out of the live room and took one look at me laying on the couch and rushed over to my side. "You okay Jess?"

"Yeah." I said weakly peering up at him and then looking around the room at the other 3 guys who were staring at me. I felt a little like a sideshow attraction in that moment. "Just not feeling the greatest this morning... maybe I should go home."

Aj nodded, "I'll take you."

The guys said their goodbyes and that they hoped I felt better soon and I thanked them before we loaded into the car and headed for home.

"That was close," Aj said with a grin as he leaned over and rested his hand on my tummy. "You need to give your mommy a break in there little one."

I smiled. I loved it when he talked to the baby.

"We'll have to tell them soon." I said reaching down and taking his hand in mine.

"Yeah... I mean... I can't wait to tell them!" He replied.

-- March 3, 2008, 2:30 pm --

I stepped cautiously into Matthew's room that afternoon. I'd been warned by one of my fellow nurses that he wasn't really in the mood for company. Not that I could blame him really. I think if I had to spend my days and nights stuck in a hospital bed attached to machines and being pumped full of medicines that made me feel miserable, I wouldn't really be up for company either. Heck my morning sickness had made me want to lay in bed all day and not talk to anyone and it was no where near what he was going through.

"Matthew," I whispered taking notice that his eyes were closed. I was pretty sure he wasn't sleeping, but I didn't want to wake him if he was, "it's me, Jessica."

He squinted his eyes open when I said it and gave me a nervous glance. He looked past me to the door and I could pretty much read his mind before he even asked the question.

"You didn't bring any doctors with you did you?"

I shook my head. He sat up in the bed and leaned back against the pillow. I walked over and sat down beside him.

"What's going on?" I asked hoping he may open up and talk to me but not really expecting it.

"Nothing." He said. I sighed. He reminded me of Aj when he said it.

"Okay..." Unlike with Aj I didn't press for answers. "Well I thought you might like to go for a walk with me."

He sat up a little at the suggestion. It wasn't often we gave patients in his condition a pass for a walk outside of their rooms so to hear me suggest it I'm sure was a surprise to him.

"Really?"

"Really. But you have to wear this."

I handed him the blue hospital mask and he nodded slipping it over his face. I stood to grab the wheelchair out of the hall and when I brought it back into the room he was standing beside his bed. I hadn't seen him stand in weeks. I helped him ease over into it and he smiled up at me.

"Thanks Jessica."

I smiled back at him.

We walked the halls for nearly an hour. I tried to make small talk a few times but I could tell his heart wasn't in it.

"Is something bothering you Matthew?" I finally gathered my nerve and just asked him.

"Something's always bothering me," he answered leaning back and looking up at me, "it's nothing new."

I looked down at him and frowned. "Well you know you can always talk to someone about what's bothering you."

He nodded. We walked on for a little while in silence before he spoke again.

"Jessica," he said. It was barely audible. I leaned down and touched his shoulder so he knew I had heard him.

"I don't think I can be a part of your movie."

I could feel the tension building up inside him. The way he said it... he sounded broken.

"Why not?" I asked him gently, stopping the wheelchair and walking around to where we were facing one another.

"Because... well... because, you said it was about life." He leaned forward and rested his chin in his hands.

I nodded. "Okay. Why does that make you feel like you can't be a part."

He sighed and I watched him carefully as a small tear found it's way down his cheek. I wanted to reach forward and hug him but I stopped myself and waited... and waited... and waited.

"I don't know." He finally said as he wiped his eyes and shook his head. "Forget I said anything... let's just keep walking."

I didn't press him. I knew this was going to take time. I stood and walked around to the back of the wheelchair and the two of us continued on our way.

I'd known it was going to be way different with Matthew than with anyone else.

I knew in my heart that for Matthew... my movie wasn't just some project.

-- March 12, 2008, 1:15 pm --

"Are you excited?" I asked Aj for the third time since the doctor had left the room 5 minutes before. I was trying my best to take my mind off the position I was in. I hated that office, and laying there with my feet up in the stirrups in front of my husband just made me all the more uncomfortable.

"Totally excited!" He answered for the third time.

I didn't have to ask really. I already knew by the way he was squeezing my hand -- much tighter than I was squeezing his that he was either super excited, or super nervous. Either way we both felt the same.

The doctor finally returned after what felt like an eternity and let me hoist my legs down and sit back up. If I didn't know any better I would have thought he'd just left me there for ten minutes, unecessarily, to embarass me. He left the room for a few more minutes while I changed back into my clothes and then he returned once more. I sat back on the table as he pulled the little computer that was sitting across the room over towards the table. I felt Aj's grip tighten even more.

"Easy there killer," I laughed poking him in the ribs with my other hand. He lightened his grip and apologized kissing my forehead gently. I leaned over and told him to go grab the camera out of my purse. He did. I had a feeling this would be a moment we would always want to remember.

"So Mrs. Mclean," my doctor began.

"Please... call me Jessica."

He smiled at me and began again, "So Jessica... according to my calculations you are right around 12 weeks pregnant."

I grinned and nodded. It seemed right... and plausible. Aj smiled too as he returned to my side with the camera.

"I'm going to go ahead and perform an ultrasound this afternoon and maybe if your little one cooperates you'll be able to hear the heartbeat."

There went Aj with the hand squeezing again.

"Alex!" I whispered harshly at him. He let go.

"Sorry."

I laughed. "I thought I was supposed to be the one doing the hand breaking here."

The doctor laughed too, "You'd be surprised."

I lifted my shirt for him and he slathered on the cold wet goo they used for ultrasounds. By the way... they aren't lying when they say that stuff is cold... it's really, really cold.

He placed the wand on my stomach and we waited. We had to wait for several minutes to hear anything at all, but finally we did. To say it was the most beautiful sound I'd ever heard in my entire life doesn't even begin to describe. I wiped my eyes and then leaned over to wipe Aj's. He kissed me at least a hundred times on the cheek.

"That's our baby Jess! That's really our baby!"

I smiled. The doctor turned the screen to face us and for the first time ever we saw our tiny little bean. Literally, it was tiny... and it looked like a bean. But in our minds and in our hearts that was our beautiful little baby.

I don't think I've ever fallen in love so quickly.

"That's amazing." Aj whispered into the silence that had fallen over the room.

And it was.

-- March 25, 2008, 2:30 pm --

"Hey Jessica!"

He was already sitting up on his bed when I entered the room that afternoon. The window blinds were pulled up and the sun shined brightly, playing off his skin and lighting his serene blue eyes. His once pale face was gaining color and his lips were drawn up on either side in what could easily be mistaken for a smile.. in fact, it was a smile. It was sight I'd come to expect over the past few weeks after our daily walks through the hospital hallways, and it never failed to brighten my day.

"Hey Matthew!" I returned to him as I pushed the wheelchair in beside his bed and locked the brakes. He stood up immediately, without my help and walked over to chair.

"You know dude," I said as I watched him ease his way down into the seat, leaning back as he situated the mask on his face, "you're really getting good at this."

He smiled up at me and I smiled back down at him. Our eyes locked and for a brief moment I thought I saw a glint of true happiness there. I sat down on the bed across from where he sat and took his hand in mine. "I wanted to ask you something this afternoon."

He gave me a questioning glance but nodded his head for me to go on.

"Do you mind if I bring along my video camera with us to film this? I really think it's something your mom would really like to see."

We'd gone on walks everyday I'd worked for the past three weeks, always at 2:30 in the afternoon, always when Matthew's mother had left to pick up his little sister from school. I wasn't too sure he'd even told her about the walks, but I knew from talking to her that she felt in her heart whatever I was doing with Matthew was bringing about the change in his health and in his attitude.

He looked at me for a moment as if he were thinking things through and then nodded with a small sigh. "Yeah... I think you're right. Sure, let's do it."

I stepped out of the room briefly and returned only moments later carrying my video camera. I smiled at Matthew as I went to flip it on but paused momentarily. "Now remember," I told him as I sat back down on the foot of his bed, "you say the word and I turn it off. This is about you and I don't want you to feel uncomfortable at all." He nodded and smiled up at me. I turned the camera on and pointed it in his direction.

"Hi mom," He said immediately without any cues from me. "Look at me! I'm sorry I didn't tell you before... but I didn't want to get your hopes up." He stood from the wheelchair and walked a small circle around it as I watched, teary eyed from behind the lense. "I can do this all thanks to Nurse Jess." He pointed over at me and motioned for me to flip the camera around, I did for a moment and waved hello before focusing it back on him.

"You ready to go?" I asked and he nodded. I handed the camera to Matthew and showed him how to use the buttons. "Here, you film for a while." I said as he looked up at me with raised eyebrows, "You sure?"

"Absolutely!"

I couldn't help but grin at the look on his face. He took the camera in his hands and started filming as we journeyed through the halls together. He pointed at things -- rooms, equipment, doors and explained them to camera. He introduced some of his doctors and nurses he met in the halls. It was awesome. He was talking and cutting up more than I'd ever seen in... well in years. We finally made it to the cafeteria where we typically stopped to grab a soda. I grabbed one for him from the fountain and sat down beside him.

"You having anything?" He asked as he sipped on his sprite. I shook my head.

"I had to give up soda... and caffeine! Ugh." I made a face at him and pretended to yawn as he giggled at me from behind his mask.

"Why'd you go and do a thing like that?" He asked pointing the camera in my direction.

"Well..." I said contemplating the idea of telling Matthew for a few moments before I decided to just go for it, "I'll tell you... but... can you keep a secret?"

He nodded eagerly and went to click off the camera. I shook my head, "No you can leave it on... we'll keep it as part of the movie maybe." He smiled.

"Okay," I smiled as I gathered up the guts to go ahead and spill the info, "Well... I found out a couple of weeks ago that I'm going to have a baby!"

"Really?" He put the camera down for a moment a grinned up at me.

I winked at him, "Yep and you're the first person to know... other than Aj."

He made a shocked face into the camera and I laughed.

"That's SO cool," he said as he reached over and gave me a hug. I hugged him back gently and he leaned back in his seat. "You're going to be such a great mom."

"You think so?"

"I know so!" I gave him a smile and thanked him for being so sweet.

"I always wondered what it'd be like to be a dad," He said as he laid the camera on the table, the record button still on.

"You'll be an awesome dad Matt." I said as I reached over and rubbed his bald head. It was true too, Matthew had spent a lot of time in the hospital and now that he was older he spent a lot of time with the little kids... they all loved him. I could see Matthew in my mind, a few years older, wiser... a father. He would be a terrific dad.

He shook his head and I knew in my heart what he was going to say before he said it. "I don't think so. I mean... I don't think I'll get to be a dad." I sighed not knowing exactly what to say. He changed the subject quickly.

"I bet you'll have a boy!" He interjected.

"You think?" I smiled allowing the subject to be changed.

"Yup."

"Well," I said... "If he's anything like you I'll be okay with that."

He laughed and I sighed. We headed back to his room together, he filmed more of the hallways as we went, smiling the entire way. When we finally arrived back in the room I helped him back to bed and we said our goodbyes to each other. I walked out of the room and stared down at the camera in my hands. I wondered silently to myself if Matthew was right. Would he ever get to be a dad? I wouldn't show the video to his mom... not yet anyway. I slid the camera into my purse and sat down in the breakroom for several minutes to collect my thoughts before I headed on to my next patient.

-- April 8, 2008, 5:45 pm --

"Ugh, I'm fat," I mumbled as I shuffled into the bathroom and paused behind Aj. He'd been standing at the sink shaving for the last ten minutes whild I had been busy searching frantically through my closets for something to wear. He hadn't offered to help and it had annoyed me just a smidge. I finally settled on a sundress... it was warm enough outside.

"What was that babe?" Aj asked eyeing me curiously in the mirror.

"Um... fat? I'm fat."

"You're not fat." He rolled his eyes at me and went back to shaving.

"Would you prefer bloated?" I asked sticking my tongue out behind him... "Or how about 'beached whale'? I glanced at my reflection in the mirror... that should pretty well describe the state i'm in these days."

He laughed. I didn't find it amusing. I looked at myself in the mirror and sighed. My eyes were droopy, my cheeks felt saggy, heck this baby was even starting to give me a double chin. Aj glanced at me again in the mirror and I caught him smirking out of the corner of my eye.

"Oh don't you dare smirk at me you... you... you butthead!"

"Butthead?"

"Yeah you butthead. You and your sneaky little sperm... you did this to me."

I smacked him in the back of the head and he winced in pain.

"You're beautiful baby." He said leaning over and giving me a kiss. "Even when you're moody."

He ducked this time missing getting whacked in the side of the head and ran for cover in the bedroom. I slammed the bathroom door shut and yelled at him, "Well then! See if YOU get any for the next 18 years!" I heard him scoff and smirked to myself. I guess I was a little moody... but he deserved it.

-- April 8, 2008, 7:00 pm --

By the time we pulled up in front of Brian's house about an hour later my mood had calmed but my nerves were shot. Aj reached over and grabbed my hand in his and rubbed it gently.

"I can't believe this is it." I whispered, staring down at the sidewalk leading to the front door. The first 15 weeks of my pregnancy had flown by and we'd lasted so long without telling anyone... well anyone but Matthew. I watched as Aj walked around to my side of the car and opened the door, he took my hand in his and tugged it gently, trying his best to coerce me out of the car. I finally gave in and stepped out. I didn't really know why I was so nervous. I guess part of me wanted to keep it a secret a little longer. It felt kind of good to have this thing that only Aj and I knew about. Then of course there was the other part of me that wanted to shout it from the rafters and tell the entire world.

Brian opened the front door before we even knocked and ushered us into the dining room. We were late, as usual... my job made us late for a lot of meals... and dinner was already on the table. I felt a little queasy as I stepped into the room and took my seat beside Aj. They were all there; Brian and Leighanne, Howie and Leigh, Nick and his girlfriend, Christine... it was a full house and for some reason I felt like all eyes were on me. I knew they weren't, I hadn't even said anything yet... but I just had that feeling.

We ate dinner and chatted happily. The guys talked about their record deal and the women talked about going on tour. I felt a little out of place... I always felt a little out of place with them.

We finished eating and Aj stood from the table, raising his glass in the air and clinking it with his spoon. I sat beside him and tried my best to hide my nerves. It was time. I reached down to the floor beside me and scooped up my camera, passing it quickly to Nick who took it without question and started filming.

"May I have your attention please," Aj said and I laughed because he totally sounded like he was on the loud speaker at work and was going to announce that someone had left their headlights on in the parking lot. He looked down at me and rolled his eyes.

"Jessica and I would like to share some exciting news with you guys." He took my hand and pulled me up beside him. I stood quickly and felt his hand go gently to my belly. He looked over at me and smiled. All eyes were definitely on us now and I heard Leighanne gasp slightly.

"We're havin' a baby!" He said as he leaned down and kissed my growing tummy. "I'm gonna be a daddy!"

Everyone started clapping and cheering. Nick and Brian ran over and hugged Aj. The women surrounded me quickly. I felt really special. After a few minutes of celebration I looked over and saw Howie standing beside Leigh and smiling. He held up his hand and said, "Hey guys... we have a little announcement of our own over here."

I looked over at Leigh and gasped, "You too??" She smiled and nodded.

The room erupted in cheers again.

"No way!" Brian yelled out. "Two Backstreet babies in one day? That's unreal!"

We all laughed and celebrated together. Leigh and I eventually ended up out on the back deck watching the sun set in the distance and chatting happily about pregnancy and baby showers. She was only 10 weeks along and hadn't really planned on announcing it yet but Howie couldn't wait any longer. I leaned over and watched as the sun finally disappeared behind the clouds.

I rubbed my stomach as she placed her hand over her own.

I glanced over at her and smiled.

This was shaping up to be a pretty incredible year.

-- April 13, 2008, 1:00 pm --

I poked my head cautiously out of the dressing room door and sighed a breath of relief. Thankfully no one was around to see this but my best friend Angie. She had her back turned towards me, looking at a dress on a rack across the aisle so I had to hiss slightly to catch her attention.

"Pssst!" I whispered at her and she turned around quickly.

"Elastic waistbands??? Are they for real!"

She laughed at me and nodded as I stepped out, rolling my eyes when I caught sight of myself in the full length mirror outside the door.

"As if I wasn't feel uncomfortable enough already!" I sighed, lifting my shirt and exposing my rotund little belly to the world. "They could at least try to make a knocked up girl feel pretty."

Angie shook her head at me and giggled. "I think the point of the elastic pants is comfort Jess. Plus, you're glowing, and you're beautiful... elastic pants and all."

I reached over and gave her a hug. She always had a way of making me feel better... even if I knew she was lying.

I changed quickly back into the clothes I'd been wearing and took my stack of newly acquired maternity wear to the cash register. The girl at the counter smiled at me as she rang up the items. "How far along?" She asked as she motioned down to my growing tummy.

It was the first time anyone in public had acknowledged my pregnancy. I smiled back at her. It felt good. "4 months." I answered and she nodded congratulating me. I thanked her as we collected our bags and headed for the food court.

"So..." Angie said when we were finally taking our seats with our food a while later, "How are things with you and Aj?"

I grinned at her through a bite of cheeseburger and waited until I finished chewing. "Things are going really well actually."

Angie and I had been best friends for years... long before Aj was even a part of my life. She'd been there when I met him, when I dated him and she'd been the maid of honor in my wedding. I could talk to her about anything in the world and I knew it wouldn't get repeated. It was because of this she knew that Aj and I hadn't had the easiest marriage so far. She knew because on the days I disliked my husband the most, she was the one I turned to. On the days when we argued or got on each other's nerves... she was the one who was always there for me to talk to.

Aj and I started out pretty much perfectly. It had been a fairy tale relationship and anyone you asked would have agreed with that. We loved being around each other and we expressed our love in little ways every single day. We were both at a point in our lives where things ran smoothly -- the Backstreet Boys were on a break from touring so Aj stayed in LA working on the next album and enjoying his newfound sobriety. I had just started my job at the hospital and was only working weekends. Life just worked out perfectly that way. We spent a lot of time together and we had a lot of fun. Fun that was hard to find these days.

It wasn't until after our wedding that things really began to change. He went on tour with the guys and I flat out refused to leave my job and go touring with them. I started working more hours... he was working more hours and we didn't see each other nearly as often. The other guys wives all went on tour with them and he openly admitted it made him jealous. He wanted me there. It wasn't that I couldn't understand his feelings... I just had feelings too and I didn't feel like he was willing or even trying to understand mine. It was a pretty big issue in our relationship for a long time.

I looked over towards where Angie was sitting, watching me, smiling at me, and I felt so incredibly thankful for her. Honestly if it hadn't been for her Aj and I may never have made it. She talked me through a lot of things, made me understand things I hadn't thought of. I owed her my marriage, and now... my family.

She smiled back at me. "That's really great."

I nodded, "Things have really changed since I talked to Aj about work. I think he really understands now... or at least he's trying. And the baby, our baby, this is just something that we both want so much. He's going to be a wonderful father."

It was her turn to nod, "He is!"

I stared down at the bracelet on my wrist, the heart bracelet he'd given me for our anniversary. Aj really was trying to understand. He'd changed so much in the past couple of months. I'd leave for work in the mornings now and he'd give me a kiss and wish me luck. I'd come home in the afternoon and he'd rub my shoulders and ask me how my day had been. Even now I didn't really discuss my job with him... I still followed the cardinal rule of not bringing my work home with me... but his simply wanting to be a part of it made all the difference in the world.

"Do you know what you're going to do when the baby is born?" Angie asked pulling me from my thoughts.

"Well... I've actually decided to take time off. I don't want to put our child in daycare or hire a nanny and I know we can afford it, Aj reminds me daily, so I'm going to stay home for a while. We may even tour with the guys next year if I'm feeling generous." I laughed and Angie smiled.

"Sometimes I feel so out of the loop when it comes to the Backstreet family," I added looking over at her as she gave me the look that asked, "Why's that?"

"I mean... Aj's right in a way," I continued, "I don't go to their events or show up at every concert or travel on their tours with them. I consider myself friends with Leighanne and Leigh, but I have so many friends here through work and from college, that it's never been a big deal to me. But now, with the baby coming, I guess I just want to feel like more of their family. I mean I see the way they all interact and have fun and sometimes I feel left out."

She nodded understandingly as I reached down and rubbed my tummy instinctively.

"I know it's my own fault... with not being willing to give up my job..."

She shook her head, "You know it's not your fault, you never should have been asked to give up something you loved as much as your job."

"I know... it's just... I think this little blessing is going to bring big changes."

More than anything... I hoped it.

-- April 28, 2008, 9:00 am --

The first time I looked in your eyes I knew, That I would do anything for you. The first time you touched my face I felt, What I've never felt with anyone else.

I slid my scrub top quickly over my head and pulled my hair up into a tight ponytail -- no time to shower this morning. I threw on as little makeup as necessary so that I wouldn't look like death warmed over and took one last glance in the mirror. It would have to do. I could hear Aj singing out in the kitchen -- our wedding song -- it sounded beautiful.

I secretly envied his zest for life.

I looked down at the clock on our bedside stand and sighed... I wanted to go back to bed, but it would have to wait.

I slide my feet into my ugly white nursing shoes and sauntered out to the kitchen. Yum. Aj was standing at the stove with his back turned towards me, cooking scrambled eggs and bacon, in nothing but his boxers.

I want to give back what you've given to me, and I want to witness all of your dreams... Now that you've shown me who I really am, I want to be more than just your man...

He was still singing our Keith Urban song, had I finally turned him country? I smiled taking in the sight of him standing there in the sunlight from the kitchen window. I loved waking up like this on my days off.

"Morning sexy," I said as I grabbed the gallon of orange juice from the fridge and stole a blueberry muffin from the basket on the counter.

"Hey babe," He said, not turning around at first, "I didn't know you were awake."

"Yeah... well I wasn't until I got paged."

He turned around and narrowed his eyes in my direction, "But Jeeeeess," he whimpered, drawing my name out like he always did when he whined at me, "you were supposed to be off today... I made you breakfast and everything." He motioned towards the skillet full of scrambled eggs and my heart fell. It was a very sweet gesture. I didn't dare tell him the thought of eggs turned my pregnant stomach.

I looked down at my watch, I didn't have time to stay and eat breakfast with him. If I wanted to make it to the hospital in time to say goodbye I needed to get going. I looked over at him again, standing there beside the stove still in his boxers with the dish towel tossed over his shoulder, giving me the puppy dog eyes, and my heart broke. It wasn't that I didn't want to stay home and spend the morning eating breakfast with my husband... God knows I did. It was just that this was important... really, really important. This was Matthew.

"You really have to go huh?" He asked after a few moments during which the both of us just stood there staring at each other. It was like he could read my mind. He reached out and grabbed my hand and held onto it for a few seconds.

"Yeah... it's a patient aje... a really special patient." I unconsiously glanced down at the bracelet on my wrist and I could feel him watching me. He took my chin in his hand and pulled my face up to where our eyes met.

"Go."

I didn't speak but I know my eyes said, "Really?"

"I understand."

I smiled up at him and kissed him gently on the chin and then the lips. "I won't be gone long... promise."

"Take however long you need."

I turned to walk into the living room but paused momentarily. When I turned back around he was leaning against the counter eating the eggs straight out of the skillet.

"Aje," I said as he scooped up another bite with his fork, "could you do just one thing before I go?"

"Sure sweetie, what is it?"

"Could you... umm... can you just... can you finish the song?"

He smiled at me set the skillet on the counter behind him before he came over and took me in his arms. "Oh, you mean this song..."

I wanna be the wind that fills your sails, and be the hand that lifts your veil. Be the moon that moves your tide, The sun coming up in your eyes. Be the wheel that never rusts, be the spark that lights you up... All that you've been dreaming of and more,so much more, I wanna be your everything.

-- April 28, 2008, 10:00 am --

I stood outside the door of his room, steeling myself for the emotions I would feel when I entered. As many times as I'd told myself not to get close to my patients... as many times as I'd told myself to seperate my work and my private life... I still found myself in this place again -- standing outside the door of a patient's room, filled with emotions about letting them go.

I pushed record on my camera as I opened the door, not sure exactly what I'd find inside, but knowing the memory would be one that Matthew's family would want to keep. I was greeted by a sea of balloons and streamers and the bustle of several family members and friends I'd come to know throughout the years. Matthew's mom stood beside his bed holding his hand and his little sister was bouncing around in circles playing with a balloon.

"Good morning!" I said as I briefly lowered the video camera and made my way over to Matthew's bed.

"Hey Jess," Matthew smiled weakly at me and lifted his hand in a wave.

His mother stepped aside and nodded her head as if letting me know she was giving me my time with her son. "I'll be back in a minute," She whispered down to Matthew, "I'm going to take Olivia to the cafeteria for a snack." He nodded back at her and raised himself up to a seated position on the bed. He looked good in his t-shirt and baseball cap... healthier than I'd seen him in years.

He smiled at me again and I lifted my camera up once more and began filming.

"Are you excited about going home?" I asked him as the smile on his face widened even more.

"A little." He nodded, but his face took on a more solemn look.

"What's up?" I asked lowering the camera again and taking his hand in mine.

"It's just... well... I don't know how to explain it." He said as he reached up and adjusted the cap on his head.

"You could try." I prodded him this time, I usually tried not to prod but with him leaving in a few hours time I thought it was important.

"Well, I just guess... it's just... I know I'll be back here."

I looked at him and he looked back at me. He had tears in his eyes but he wouldn't actually cry. I knew Matthew too well. I held his hand tighter in mine.

"What makes you think that Matthew? I mean everything looks good so far." It was true. As far as all of his bone marrow transplants had gone this one was turning out the best. His body was responding fairly well and his attitude seemed a lot more positive... at least until now.

He looked at me and shook his head. "I just don't think it's going to work... I mean... I don't think it's supposed to work."

I peered up at him and our eyes met. There was something there... something in this child's eyes, this 14-year-old boy's eyes... an understanding, a realization that was lost on patients far older that he was. He seemed to hold the key to life right there in his eyes. I didn't know what the future held for Matthew and I was not about to make empty promises to a boy I'd seen return to the hospital too many times in his short 14 years of life. The truth was Matthew was probably right.

I reached out and gave him a hug. It wasn't something I often did, but it felt right. He hugged me back.

"Can I still be a part of that movie Jessica?" He asked changing the subject... or maybe not really changing the subject, I wasn't sure.

"Of course you can!" I pulled back from our hug and looked at him, surprised he'd even ask. "Whenever you're ready... you let me know."

He sighed and nodded his head. "Not yet... soon... but not yet."

I nodded back at him and glanced up as his mom and sister entered the room along with the rest of their family.

"We ready to do this Mattie?" She asked as she strolled over to the bed and I stepped out of the way. She took his hand in hers and leaned down to kiss him on the forehead. I couldn't help but marvel at their relationship. So beautiful. A woman who'd lost her husband 5 years ago to cancer now stood the chance of losing her son too. She was far stronger than I felt I ever would have been in that situation. Always there for Matthew... always supportive. She let him make most of the decisions about his treatment... she said she wanted him to have the ultimate decision. She knew his chances were slim but she kept her spirits up... for him.

"I'm ready," Matthew smiled up at his mom. I saw a different side of him with her. The side that always put on his bravest face. He never let life get him down when his mother was in the room.

"Let's sing then," I said as I took a handful of confetti and prepared myself for the chorus... the room suddenly filled with other doctors and nurses... Matthew's other doctors and nurses and some who'd just happened to be walking by at the moment...

Our patients have the cutest S-M-I-L-E's Our patient's have the sweetest H-E-A-R-T's Oh we love to see you everyday, but now it's time we get to say... Pack up your bags, get out the door, You don't get treatment anymore!

The room filled with cheers and applause. Confetti was thrown, hugs were numerous. I made my way over to Matthew and gave him the biggest hug I could muster. This was routine in our hospital when children went home from treatment. We sang them off... said our goodbyes... sent them on their way... And we silently hoped and prayed they'd never come back.

-- May 8, 2008, 9:50 am --

"Can you believe we're really already halfway there?" I asked Aj from my seat in the OBGYN waiting room.

"What's that Jess?" He asked looking up from the magazine he'd been reading and eyeing me questioningly. I rubbed my stomach and sighed.

"Can you believe we're halfway through this pregnancy already? I mean... it just feels like it's going by so fast."

He smiled and reached over to lay a hand on my stomach himself. "I know, I'm getting excited!"

He went back to reading his magazine and I sat in silence watching the other pregnant women in the room. They all seemed to be glowing more than I was... they seemed more prepared for this. I don't know why I thought that way... I just did. I sighed. Hormones I supposed.

The nurse called my name and the two of us stood together and walked back into the office. They weighed me... the part I hated most and then led us to a small room with an ultrasound machine. Today was the day. I recalled the doctor's words from a month earlier, "At 20 weeks we can attempt to identify the sex of the baby."

The truth was... we still weren't sure we wanted to.

I looked over at Aj who was looking around the room at all of the equipment and I reached out to grab his hand. He walked over and took my hand in his. "Everything okay babe?" He asked looking a little concerned as a tear trickled down my cheek. I thought I was over the whole emotional part... I guess I was wrong.

I shook my head. "I just don't know if I want to do this... find out what we're having." I sniffed as he wiped my cheek with his hand.

"Jessica," He said giving me a very serious look, "you know that I am up for whatever you want to do. I will be happy with knowing or with waiting. I just want this baby to be healthy."

I smiled at him. He had been so incredibly understanding through all of this.

My doctor walked in and frowned when she saw me crying on the table. "Everything okay?" She asked looking slightly concerned.

"Just emotional." I responded, almost laughing when she nodded her head knowingly. She walked over and took my hand, "You'll get through this," She said... "Promise."

I nodded slightly and leaned back on the table as she performed my exam.

"Have you felt any movements yet?" She asked as she pressed gently on my belly. As if in exact response to her question the baby gave a gentle flutter. She laughed, "Guess that answers that question."

"That's my kid!" Aj exclaimed, "attitude already!"

We all laughed.

I hadn't felt any major movements yet and Aj hadn't felt anything, but the little flutters were a daily occurence that left me aching for more. I knew that the gentle kicks were soon to come and I was more than ready.

When the exam had ended the doctor asked the million dollar question, "Well... do you guys want to know what you're having?"

I looked over at Aj and he nodded his head towards me. I knew it was my decision but it was a difficult one to make. I shook my head, "I just don't know."

She nodded in understanding. "You know," she said as she pulled the ultrasound machine over, "I'll be finding out regardless... you don't have to decide today. You can wait and if you decide you want to know in a week or two, or even more you can call and ask. There's always a chance we won't even be able to tell today."

I sighed with relief. She was giving me the out I'd been looking for. I nodded, "Okay. I think maybe that's what we'll do."

She placed a hand reassuringly on my shoulder. "I think you'd be surprised how many couples struggle with this decision."

She pulled out the tube of goo and began lathering it on my stomach. I breathed deeply through the shock of the cold gel against my skin. Aj held my hand as she searched for the heartbeat and our baby on the monitor.

There it was. That sound. The sweetest sound in the world. A steady beat. Our baby.

In that moment it didn't matter to me if it was a boy or girl. Aj was right, all that mattered was a healthy baby.

-- May 24, 2008, Noon --

I stood beside our king-sized bed in our master bedroom and glanced around at the piles of clothes and supplies that Aj had laid out for our trip and then down to my one small suitcase. I had to laugh because I'd be damned if my husband wasn't a bigger female than I was when it came to packing.

I carelessly shoved the last of my maternity clothes into my suitcase along with my brand new oversized bathing suit (have I mentioned this pregnancy thing is totally for the birds!) and followed up with an attempt to shut and zip it. No such luck.

"Aj!" I whined as he came strolling out of the bathroom carrying yet more supplies to pack and found me leaning heavily on the suitcase in my half-assed attempt to seal the deal.

"That looks comfortable babe," he mused as I rolled my eyes at him in a dramatic fashion and watched as he walked over and dropped the load of bathroom supplies he'd been carrying onto the bed beside me, "sexy too." He stood back and winked as I continued fiddling with the zipper on the bag.

"Oh don't even tell me this is turning you on!" I rolled my eyes at him once more and laughed as he slipped up beside me and kissed me gently on the cheek before purring in my ear, "baby you always turn me on."

He had to be kidding me.

"I'm fat, hot, I have a beachball for a belly, and I'm totally over exhausted Aj," I said pushing him away as I unglued myself from my spot on top of the suitcase. He whined and I shot him a look. "Aj, we're leaving on vacation in three hours and you haven't even packed your mountain o' shit." I pushed him off again as he tried once more to come on to me. It wasn't going to work in my pregnant state, especially not now that I'd worn myself completely out. "Pack now, sex later." I told him as I leaned up and gave him a kiss on the lips. He gave me the look that said, "are you serious?" and I nodded... because I was. "And zip my suitcase while you're at it!" I hollered as I walked out of the room.

I turned just in time to see him come to the door. "Wait," he yelled as I reached the kitchen and opened the fridge for some ice-cold lemonade, "when's later?"

I had to laugh. The poor guy was always thinking about sex lately and in my whalelike state I rarely delivered. I gave him an evil wink and replied with a snarky grin while rubbing my belly, "How's about like 6 months from now later."

I turned back to the fridge after watching his face fall. I wasn't being serious of course... I would keep my promise and tonight... well maybe tonight when we got to the beach... it was a nice thought.

For the time being though, I could have a little fun torturing my husband.

-- 3:15 pm --

Empty spaces, fill me up with holes. Distant faces, with no place left to go...

I started humming along to one of my favorite songs he'd ever sang the moment it came on the radio. He leaned forward and changed the station.

"Hey!" I said as I flicked the dial and tried to find the song again, "what'd you do that for?"

"You know I can't stand listening to myself sing babe... I've always hated hearing myself on the radio."

I rolled my eyes, continuing to try and find the song again. I understood that there were certain songs that brought back bad or bitter memories for my husband. He had a difficult time listening to anything from the Black and Blue album and this song... for whatever reason this song always made him feel angry with Kevin. I loved it though, so I made him listen to it anytime it came on anyway. I finally found it once more and turned the volume down so that at least he didn't have to hear it blaring through his car...

Voices tell me I should carry on, That I am swimming in an ocean all alone. Baby, my baby, it's written on your face. you still wonder if we made a big mistake...

I couldn't help but smile as I leaned over and took Aj's hand in mine. He looked over at me and smiled weakly. If I was being honest the song turned me on... I mean it was my husband singing afterall and his voice, at least in my mind had always been incredibly sexy. "Sing," I said as he stopped at a red light and I squeezed his hand even tighter. He gave me an odd look but the next thing I knew his beautiful voice was carrying through the car...

I don't mean to drag it on, but I can't seem to let you go. I don't want to make you face this world alone.

I smiled as his verse ended and the chorus picked up. I leaned over and kissed him gently on the lips as the light turned green. "Sex later?" He asked with a mischevious glance.

"After that?" I said gently rubbing his hand with mine, "pull over... we'll have sex now!"

We laughed and I answered his question honestly as we continued our drive to the airport. I was so looking forward to this vacation. Two entire weeks in Hawaii, away from the world of work and patients and blood and death that I encountered on a daily basis at the hospital. I needed the vacation for myself and for my relationship with my husband. I also needed the break to stop and think about the fact that I was going to be having a baby in a few short months and planning needed to happen.

"You excited?" Aj asked as we pulled up to the airport.

"Incredibly!" I said with a smile, knowing I showed it as much on the outside as on the inside. We'd be enjoying the first week of our vacation alone and then Howie and Leigh would be joining us along with my parents and Aj's mom. I was really looking forward to the idea of a nice little vacation.

"What are you going to do first when we get there?" Aj asked as he grabbed the bags from the trunk and handed me my sunglasses.

"Hmm," I answered pondering it for a few moments and then winking at him slightly... "I think you already know that answer to that one."

His smile widened and he winked back at me. "I'm all for that!"

This was going to be a great vacation.

-- June 13, 2008, 2:00 pm --

I laid back on my side on my beach towel as Aj gently rubbed sunscreen on my already pinkened back. I sighed deeply and basked in the Hawaiian sunlight, wishing that we could just stay there forever.

The two weeks of our vacation had been a wonderful and relaxing vacation from life and the stress that comes along with the realities of living it. I'd managed to not think much about my job or my patients and to instead focus on my husband and my growing fetus... the one we, or rather Aj had nicknamed "Tadpole"... our sweet wee baby tadpole.

We'd spent the first week in the lap of luxury in a beautiful hotel right on the water, together alone in our own little world. It was like being newlyweds again... except for that whole pregnancy thing. I was more exhausted than I had been on our first honeymoon and to be quite frank, sex had been a little trickier and probably less fun for either of us... but we'd still made it as romantic and enjoyable as we knew how. We'd slept in every morning and taken long walks on the beach every night and we'd sat out on the balcony in the evenings and watched the sun go down as we shared a bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream.

We hadn't gone shopping or done a lot of sightseeing that first week. We prefered to just spend the time in each other's company. We laid out on the beach a lot and spent hours in the pool which I hadn't realized is great for a pregnant woman. It really took the weight off my stomach and it felt wonderful because Aj could actually lift me in his arms again.

The second week had been a lot of fun too. Howie and Leigh arrived that Saturday and we spent two days just the four of us, sightseeing and shopping. We bought a lot of things for the babies and Aj and I even got to be the lucky firsts to find out that Howie and Leigh had taken the leap and found out they were having a girl. I had to admit my heart fluttered a little at the idea of knowing... especially when I watched the two of them ohh and aww over pink and purple girly items... but the feeling faded quickly when I saw all of the green and yellow and returned myself to the thoughts of a nice delivery surprise.

I had really enjoyed hanging out with Leigh and was even beginning to feel ready to experience the whole Backstreet Family world. Leigh and I talked about having the babies and taking them on tour next year... I was actually starting to get excited about the entire thing... an emotion I never anticipated.

Our parents showed up on Monday and the rest of the week was spent hanging out at a condo on the beach. It had been a lot of fun, but a lot of hectic fun. Conversation had turned to the baby a lot and when we were going to find out what we were having and when we were going to pick out names and everyone had opinions of what those names should be. We just laughed along with the suggestions and smiled and nodded knowing the backs of our minds that our baby would have the name we chose and that we would find out the sex when the baby... our son or our daughter... was born.

I rolled over onto my back as Aj finished rubbing on the sunscreen. Our parents had left that morning and we would be leaving the next day. I sighed and closed my eyes as I sunk into the sand beneath me. I glanced over to where Aj was now sitting in a beach chair beside me reading from a novel he'd bought at the local bookstore and I reached out and pinched his leg.

"Ouch, hey!" He whispered as he looked over at me and winced in pain, "what was that for?"

I winked and laughed, "Just to get your attention."

"Well you got it... what is it that you want?" He said turning towards me and giving me his undivided attention as I reached up and took his hand in mine.

"Do you think we could just move here?" I asked very seriously as he gave me an odd look. "I mean... I would love to just move here and never have to worry about anything ever again."

He shook his head, "I don't think running away from your worries is the answer baby." He scooted out of his chair and sat down on the beach towel beside me, "What you worrying about anyway?"

"Nothin'," I answered as I closed my eyes and pretended to go to sleep. He wasn't fooled that easily.

"No really sweetheart, what is it?"

I looked up at him and sighed, "Life... work... the baby... us."

He raised his eyebrows at me, "You're worried about us?"

"Not persay... it's just... everything we've been through... I can't help but worry."

He nodded his head and squeezed my hand a little tighter. "I'm not going anywhere Jessica. I promise... I'm right here and I'm not going anywhere."

I smiled and nodded as a single tear slipped down my cheek and he reached to wipe it away.

"Damn hormones," I muttered as I closed my eyes again and he laid down next to me for a snuggle.

He laughed and that made me laugh and the two of us lay there together basking up the warmth of the beautiful Hawaiian sun on our last day in paradise.

-- June 28, 2008, 4:35 pm --

"WHHHHEEEEEE!"

It was all I could do not to laugh as Aj, Nick and Howie ran past Leigh and I, laughing and giggling and having what appeared to be a wonderful time. One would never have guessed these were the same three men we'd had to drag kicking and screaming out of the studio and into the car this morning to get them to even go shopping with us.

"WHHHEEEEE!"

Nick nearly ran Leigh over with a stroller as he ran past again and Howie hollered at him to watch out for his unborn daughter. This time an employee intervened and put a stop to the madness. She scolded the three men and called them out for acting like... in her own words... 'children.' She was right afterall, the three of them had been having stroller races through the aisles of the BabiesRus for the past half hour while the two of us had attempted to register for baby items. Baby items that our husbands were supposed to be offering input on. I'd known we should have just come by ourselves.

The three of them returned the strollers to their rightful positions and sauntered pitifully over to where we stood, huffing and puffing in an all around whiny fashion.

"She's no fun at all!" Nick moaned making a face and sticking out his tongue in the direction of the woman, who luckily now had her back turned towards our group. Aj and Howie nodded in agreement.

"Good Lord!" Leigh said poking Howie in the back with her pen and causing him to nearly jump out of his skin, "Stop acting like fools and help us out!"

"Yeah!" I retorted as Aj backed away from me before I had a chance to poke him, "These," and here I motioned towards our now huge stomachs, "are your children too!"

Nick scoffed and rolled his eyes as he threw his hands up in defeat, "Well since I had nothing to do with 'these'," and he took his turn at motioning to our stomachs, "I guess I'll just be going." He started to walk away and Aj ran after him grabbing him by the ear and yanking him back to where we were standing.

"Dude if you want a prayer of a chance at being the Godfather you are SO stuck with us today!"

Nick laughed and jumped up on the back of the cart. "Well okay, but only if you push me through the store!"

Aj rolled his eyes. "Do we really need a baby Jess? We already have Nick!"

I was basically ignoring the two of them. Leigh and I were focused on strollers and carseats now, having already picked out our bouncy seats and Pack n' plays. "Shut up and help me pick out a stroller Aje," I asked in a half-assed attempt to evoke help that I knew wouldn't really be all that helpful. I knew I was right when he started whining almost immediately.

"Can't Nick and Howie and I go pick out toys instead?" He whimpered as he pointed to the rows upon rows of baby toys that I knew fully well our child wouldn't need until at least next year.

"Don't bring me into this man!" Howie said after Leigh shot him a look that said, "Don't even think about it." She was already focused on the pink patterned strollers and Howie was trying his best to be enthusiastic, offering comments about "tork" and "suspension" that had Nick lifting his head in interest. Leigh rolled her eyes and looked over towards me with a look that said, "Help me please!" and I had to laugh because we should have known exactly what we were getting into.

"How about this one then?" I heard Aj yell out to me as I walked over and examined the stroller he was eyeing. I recognized it right away as the 'celebrity status stroller'... the exact one I swore I'd never in a million years be seen strolling down the street with. "No Aje," I said flipping the price tag towards him and watching as he shrugged. Of course I should have known it wouldn't seem much to him... he was, afterall, a celebrity.

"Why not?" He asked as he lifted it from it's position on the shelf and took a turn at pushing it down the aisle. Howie and Nick stopped and watched in awe and Leigh gave me another eye roll, this time accompanied with the "crazy" hand gesture. I had to agree.

"I'm not... no... we're not paying $900 for a stroller Aj McLean."

"But... Jessica McLean... it's nice and I like it!" He protested as I stood my ground and shook my head.

"Aj... baby, I don't care that it's nice... so are all of these other strollers. And I don't care if you like it... I don't like it near enough to pay that kind of money for it." He shook his head at me.

"I don't see what the big deal is."

"I do Aj. Do you realize that $900 added up to three... count that, THREE of my car payments when I was paying off my car before I met you? Do you realize that there was a time when $900 was TWO paychecks for me? I don't care if we can afford it... I'm not spending that kind of money on a stroller."

Nick looked at me like I was nuts... at that point I didn't care. "But baaaabe..." Aj continued and I reached out and pulled a hair on his arm like I always did when I meant business and he wasn't listening.

"No. And that's final. Why don't you and Nick go find a nice bedroom set to spend an exhorbitant amount of money on... that I'll allow." Mainly because I knew Aj would be more reasonable in that area. The two of them looked at each other and grinned before bouncing off across the store to get into God only knew how much trouble picking out a crib and changing table. Howie trailed along behind them on his own quest for the perfect white crib for baby Dorough's room and Leigh and I were left alone in peace once more.

"Are they always this immature when they're together?" I asked watching as Leigh finally settled on a pink flowery travel system.

"Yep... sometimes worse," she responed as I glanced at the stroller, carseat combo I'd set my sights on and sighed. "That's what I thought."

"What do you think of this one Leigh Duroe?" I asked pointing to a pretty mocha and green colored system that I'd looked at the few times I'd come into the store before.

She laughed at my use of her fake registry last name and nodded in response to my question, "I love it Jessica McNeal."

We had a good chuckle over our aliases as I added the stroller to my registry before the two of us sauntered off together to see what kind of damage our men were doing in the nursery section of the store.

-- July 4th, 2008 3:55 pm --

Aj had been standing at the sink getting ready for the past 45 minutes while I, once again, frantically dug through and pretty much completely rearranged my entire dresser looking for something to wear for the day's festivities. I sighed when I walked into the bathroom behind him after finally settling on a red maternity shirt and white capri pants... with the hideous elastic waistband... yep I'd stooped to that level and frankly by that point I was beyond giving two shits, let alone a damn.

I yanked a towel off the rack and flipped it at Aj as he jumped and quickly moved out of my way. I was a woman on a mission and I'd be damned if my ever-preening husband... the one who always took far too long to get ready for everything... was going to get in my way. He gave me the evil eye and I shot him my best "don't even start with me" glare and he backed up pretty quickly and left the bathroom in a huff.

We'd had a pretty big argument that morning... about nothing in particular, at least nothing that was my fault. It was never my fault. How dare he pick a fight with a pregnant woman to begin with. I couldn't even tell you at that point the exact details surrounding the fight except that I remembered it was regarding my job yet again and the fact that he felt I was working too much and too hard for a woman in my "condition" and I'd be daggoned if the man hadn't actually used that word when describing my pregnant state.

"What the fuck Aj!" I'd remembered spitting as I stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind me, "our CHILD is not a CONDITION!"

And that had been the end of it. I hadn't said two words to him since then even after he had groveled. He'd apologized profusely and said he was wrong and repeated all of the little sayings he'd always used everytime we'd gotten in a fight before about how he'd never say any of those things again and how he'd been wrong to say them in the first place and he made me feel like crap because I knew he was right but I also knew he was lying. He would say those things again... he always did. And he had a right to be worried about me... to be worried about our baby.

I'd spent the afternoon stewing in the guest room, lounging out on the balcony and following all that up with a nice long shower and I'd come to realize that Aj was probably right. That I probably was working too hard and spending too much time doing things that I shouldn't be doing... but what right did he have... what right did HE have to TELL me I had to stop. It was never asking, never suggesting... always telling. Always bossing and that's what made me angry.

So here we were, getting ready to go to a fourth of July party at Brian and Leighanne's house in LA and we weren't even talking to each other. I could suck it up and go apologize to my husband or continue being a bitch and allow the night to go to hell in a hand basket. I stared at myself in the mirror for a moment, trying to summon the courage to be the bigger person... at least this time around. I finally decided to suck it up and apologize. For myself and for everyone else. Jessica and Aj Mclean were supposed to be the 'fun' couple. Who would I be if I spoiled that image.

-- 10:20 pm --

We were all lounging around the pool in the backyard, fully stuffed and content. Dinner had long since been served... my favorite too... grilled out hamburgers and hotdogs with cole slaw, potato salad and baked beans... I could have married Brian right on the spot if it weren't for the fact that I was already married to Aj and he was married to Leighanne. There was something about a southern boy with a heart for burgers and dogs and good southern food that turned me on. Or maybe it was my pregnancy cravings, which for some reason unbeknownst to me had always included burgers with onions and pickles, that would have allowed me to fall in love with Brian in that very moment that I saw him hovering over the grill that night.

But anyway, backing off my tangent... we were all lounging around the pool in the backyard, Baylee was sleeping soundly in his room upstairs, and it was just the adults... having adult conversations and sipping on adult beverages (well... not Leigh, Aj and I... we weren't allowed... we were just living vicariously off the tequila fumes). We were just enjoying ourselves. It was nice. Aj and I had all but forgotten our earlier argument and were cuddled in one of the large lounge chairs together watching as the fireworks exploded in the distance. It was a beautiful sight on a beautiful, warm summer's evening. I was finding myself enjoying being in the company of these people even more. I was looking forward to the birth of my baby and the start of a new life as a Backstreet mommy. Heck... maybe I'd even try my part at being a better Backstreet wife.

Somehow the conversation turned to baby names...

"I like the names Carmen and Isabella," Leigh said as she settled into a chair next to Howie. It was funny to look at the two of us... she was only five weeks behind me in her pregnancy but I looked ready to pop anyday... bloated and stretched out and she... she was still tiny and gorgeous. To say I was a bit jealous... well duh.

"And I like Kahlani," Howie continued as he reached over and rubbed his wife's tummy in an adorable gesture of affection.

"Kahlani?" Nick smirked reaching over and patting Howie on the back... "Isn't that the name of the girl you met way back when we were..."

He didn't get to finish his sentence as Howie reached up and clamped his hand over his mouth. But it was too late.

"Sooo..." Leigh began as she shot Howie a dirty look, "who's this girl Nick's talking about?"

"No one." Howie sighed giving Nick the 'if looks could kill' look as Nick walked sheepishly across the room and sat down beside Brian. "She was just a fan... and I love the name."

"I see." Leigh was obviously not convinced.

"How about you guys?" Brian asked in a quick attempt to change the subject. Thank you Brian for putting me on the spot!

"Um... we aren't sure... I mean... we haven't really talked about it yet."

"Really?" He asked looking at me like we were nuts, "You guys should get on that."

And thus began the conversation of what everyone thought we should name our child. There was a vote for Alex Jr. -- though I'm pretty sure that came from Aj and another vote for Nickolas OR Nickolette and we all KNOW who that suggestion came from... and a lot of other random suggestions that I pretty much blocked out.

The truth was we had talked about baby names. We'd talked a lot about the names and like the sex of our child we were keeping it secret. Well... we were keeping the sex a secret from ourselves... the name we were keeping secret from everyone else. We were thinking Madeline Grace for a girl and Liam James for a boy ... but we still weren't sure. We knew we wanted Madeline in honor of my mother and James in honor of Aj... but I had always believed in seeing a baby before having a final name choosen. So we were still waiting.

Finally and thankfully the conversation about baby names died out... along with the fireworks... and the conversation steered away from babies and onto something else. It was nice to be sitting in that place with those people... enjoying being a part of the Backstreet Family.

-- July 16th, 2008 10:45 am --

I'd somehow found myself back in the studio at Howie and Leigh's house, sitting on that same sticky leather sofa. I was uncomfortable and huge and like the last time I'd found myself there I was carrying my camera with me... and a snack. Only this time the snack wasn't for the nausea that I'd known as morning sickness. Nope, this time the snack was because I couldn't seem to go more than 15 or 20 minutes in a day without eating something. I stared down at my huge beachballish belly and rubbed it gently. I took a bite of my turkey sandwhich and pondered it all for a few moments... it was no wonder I was huge really.

Unlike the last time I'd found myself in this position, when I was a few weeks pregnant and miserably ill, this time I was really looking forward to hanging around while the guys recorded one of their newest songs. I glanced over to where Leigh was seated beside me, fanning herself with a magazine, suffering from an apparent hot flash and smiled knowingly at her. I was also looking forward to hanging out with my fellow pregnant Backstreet Wife. We'd been doing that more and more in the past few months... going shopping together, calling each other with pregnancy woes, hanging out at the swimming pool, and I was really enjoying it.

"Oh!" I jumped as little "Tad" kicked me mightily in the ribs and Nick jumped from his spot at the control booth and came flying over towards me.

"Are you okay?" he asked looking awfully concerned as Howie, Aj, and Brian stepped quickly out of the booth having seen their brother's reaction through the soundproof glass window.

I had to laugh, "the little one just kicked me in the ribs is all. I'm fine, promise! You guys can go back to work." Leigh and I looked at each other and laughed as all four of them gave visible sighs of relief. Hells bells, if they were that nervous 2 months before my due date... how was it going to be when the time actually arrived for me to give birth?

"Can I feel?" Nick asked as I winced in pain again. This child was definitely Aj's. Aj had a very annoying habit of shifting around listlessly all night long if he was having a bad night and on those nights he was always continuously kicking me under the covers. I nodded and pulled his hand over towards my tummy, watching as his facial expression changed from curiousness to awe.

"That's freaking amazing!" He said with a smile. "I mean... I think I'd completely forgotten what it felt like to feel that since it's been so long since Leighanne was pregnant. I always remembered how cool Brian said it was."

I turned towards Brian who had that 'lost puppy dog' look in his eyes and nodded towards him when he raised his eyebrows in question, "Go ahead." I pulled his hand towards me this time and I'd never forget the look in his eyes. "I miss that feeling." He said as he started to tear up. It was no big secret Brian wanted to have more children... if it was up to him they'd probably already have 2 or 3... but Leighanne was happy with one and she ruled the roost when it came to the idea of children. I smiled as the other guys slowly worked their way back into the studio... nothing to see here, just a little discomfort.

Aj remained behind though and cozied himself in between Leigh and I. He reached over and placed his hand on my tummy and waited. "Tad" had a wonderful habit of ceasing all movement anytime Aj was anywhere near. It was as if our child already knew and wanted to torture the dad a little bit early on. I laughed when finally an almighty kick erupted beneath my ribcage. I jumped again because it hurt like the dickens, but the smile on Aj's face made it so completely worth it. The silence that stayed in the air, the look in his eyes and I'm sure the look in mine. The simple understanding that passed between the two of us. This was our child and we were in love. And the two of us could hardly wait to open our hearts and our lives and allow this little soul to become the next huge part of both of us. We sat there together in that moment for a while before he finally stood and walked back into the recording booth after giving me a sweet kiss on the lips that told me everything I needed to know about love and life and how happy he made me.

I looked over towards Leigh and watched as she laughed. I had to laugh with her.

"Sideshow attractions," I said as I reached over and pulled her hand towards my belly which was now jumping and swaying every few seconds. She laughed again as she felt my little one kick and responded, "sometimes feels that way."

I looked at her and smiled... "But it's SO worth it."

-- July 26th, 2008 2:50 pm --

I stood in the empty room... room 644 in the Children's Hospital. Matthew's room.

I stared at the empty bed with its clean starched white sheets and it's empty IV poles. The mural of Star Wars on the wall with Darth Vader and Yoda, Han Solo and Chewbacca -- it was a boys dream room and yet, it was a hospital room that no one in their wildest dreams would ever dream of really wanting to stay in. There was always something comforting about walking into an empty room when you knew the reason behind its emptiness was your patient being able to go home well.

I'd watched children come and go from that room over the past three months, all boys, some Matthew's age, some younger. They were most often only there for a day or two, to receive chemo or have a procedure done and then leave. I never really got to know those patients well. It was much easier for me to separate myself from my patients when they only stayed a day or two. The difference with Matthew and Christi, with Rachel and the others was that they were in the hospital for weeks, sometimes months at a time. I'ts impossible not to become attached to someone you see everyday for months.

I shook my head slowly as I stared down at the bags in my hands. I walked quietly over to the IV poles and began loading them one by one. The saline drip for fluids, the chemo to slow the progress of the cancer... the morphine, for the pain. When I'd received the call from my superior hours before my heart nearly broke in two.

"Jessica?"

"This is she."

"It's about Matthew."

I sighed deeply. I should have known it was coming. Three months was the longest Matthew had ever been out of the hospital since this entire ordeal began nearly five years before. Matthew's bone marrow transplant was failing, again. The other two times before there'd been hope, a potential light at the end of a long and painful tunnel that Matthew had to struggle through every single day. This time I knew what the outcome would be. I had a feeling Matthew had known all along.

I stared at the bags on the IV poles. The morphine seemed to taunt me from it's position in front. I'd have to call up his oncologist and order a pain pump for him... so that he could control this himself. I prefered to give my patients the most control that I could in the final stages of their disease. I wanted Matthew to have the ultimate say.

I sat on the side of his bed and said a prayer that he wouldn't suffer too much... that whatever needed to happen wouldn't be too painful. I knew the realities though. Death was never painless... never pretty.

Matthew's marrow was already failing, his cancer spreading quickly. He may have a few months left... he may have a few weeks. I wanted to make those last few weeks or months the best I possibly could for him. I walked over and opened the blinds, allowing the sunlight to stream into the room and warm the cold sterile atmosphere. I called the child life specialist and had her bring in his favorite video game system and some paints. Matthew loved to play games and paint.

I left his room and went to the breakroom alone. I laid on the couch and rubbed my stomach, sipping on a soda as I thought about all the times Matthew and I had shared together. It would be impossible for all of this not to become personal for me... it already was. Matthew would be arriving that evening, I would already be off of work for my four day weekend with a trip planned with Aj. I don't think I'd ever wished for a weekend to end more quickly.

-- July 30th, 2008 11:15 am --

My heart beat heavily as I walked down the hallway of the pediatrics ward. I'd dreaded this moment all weekend. Dreaded it and yet, I was more than ready to get it over with. I may have been more than ready to get it over with, but I would never be ready to walk into his room and see him lying there in that hospital bed fighting for his life. I paused outside his door for a few moments trying to steel my emotions and prepare myself for the realities that lay inside the quiet solitude of room 644.

I thought for a moment about the past weekend and how I'd found myself thinking about Matthew the entire time I'd been out of town. I'd tried my best to enjoy my trip to vegas with Aj. I knew we needed the time together as a couple before the baby came and I had certainly enjoyed being alone, just the two of us in the city of lights and sex and gambling. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas right? Unfortunately my body was overly pregnant and mind was often in other places and because of those two things I'd found myself trying too hard to have fun.

"You okay?" I remembered Aj asking me on our last day as we were packing to head home, "you've seemed a little distant this weeked."

I sighed. It always came down to these kind of conversations. I hated that my job made me 'distant' from my husband... from my life. "I'm just dreading getting back to work," I responded half-heartedly as I sat down on the bed and stuffed a stack of maternity shirts in my suitcase.

He nodded as he sat down beside me and gave me a gentle hug. I shrugged and prepared myself for the all too familiar lecture I just knew he'd throw my direction. I was thankful when it never came. Any other time I'd mentioned being tired of working or not wanting to go to work he'd jumped on his "you have no reason to work so why don't you just quit and come on tour with me," kick and we'd ended up fighting for days. This time there was none of that. Just a simple hug that spoke volumes of the change in our relationship... the change in his understanding... the change in the maturity and development of our love.

I turned and faced the door in front of me. I didn't know what to expect when I opened it. I'd missed rounds that morning because of a doctor's appointment for routine pregnancy bloodwork, and therefore I'd missed finding out what condition Matthew was in when he arrived at the hospital last week... and how he was doing now. All I knew was what my chart told me, that Matthew had begun high dose chemotherapy and was on a steady drip of morphine. I already knew in my heart what waited on the other side... a child sick and in pain. I didn't need rounds to tell me that.

I opened the door slowly and peeked inside. The room was dark and silent with the exception of the steady beeps from the heart monitor and the IV pole. I squinted to adjust my eyes to the darkness and entered quietly so as not to disturb the sleeping figures in the bed and on the couch across the room. Matthew was curled up peacefully in the bed, a cool rag draped across his head, an emesis basin on the bedside stand. I walked carefully over to the IV stand and fiddled with the numbers, slowing his chemo drip and making sure his morphine bag was full. I stared silently down to where he lay, his face pale, dark circles surrounded his eyes and he was clutching his blankets tightly in his hands as if in attempt to squeeze away the pain.

His mother was asleep on the couch across the room. She was covered nearly completely with a hospital blanket and she was snoring softly. The room was cold enough to freeze a polar bear and I hoped she had enough blankets to keep her warm.

As I adjusted the IV in Matthew's arm to make sure it was working properly he stirred awake. His eyes flickered open and came to rest upon my figure. He smiled slightly and nodded at me, sticking out his arm in a gesture of acceptance, letting me do my job because he was sure I wouldn't hurt him.

"Sorry I woke you up," I whispered as I finished and handed his arm back to him. I took my stethoscope from around my neck and warmed it with my breath before placing it on his chest, "I'll be done in a second and you can get back to sleep."

"It's okay," he sighed heavily, "I can sleep when I'm dead."

A simple phrase that coming from anyone else may have been funny. Coming from Matthew it was simply another realization of what the young man was going through. I nodded my head in understanding and draped my stethoscope back around my shoulders.

"Is there anything I can get for you?" I asked as he wiggled around in the bed in attempt to get comfortable.

"A new butt would be nice," he laughed and I laughed with him, "this one's getting kinda tired of laying around in bed all day."

"I can only imagine." It was so good to see that he still had his sense of humor. Honestly I could never see him losing that... not even in his final moments.

"Wow!" He remarked pointing towards my ever expanding waistline, "that baby sure is growing in there."

I laughed again, "yep, it sure is!"

"It," he gave me a questioning glance, "did you not find out if you're having a boy or girl?"

I shook my head in response and he rolled his eyes. I rolled mine back at him, "I like surprises."

He smiled, "I guess that would be pretty cool."

I finished replacing the bags on his IV pole as he settled back down into bed, his eyelids heavy with the sleep he seemed to be trying to fight. He was dozing off as I went to leave the room.

"Hey Jess," he called out to me as I approached the doorway, satisfied that my patient was in stable condition... if only for the moment.

"Yeah Matt," I answered.

"You know that movie you asked me about when I was here last time?"

I nodded... of course I remembered. "Of course I remember."

"Can I still be in it... I mean, if you still have a spot for me?"

"Matthew there's been a spot for you all along," I answered giving him a reassuring smile, "I would be so honored if you would be in my movie."

He smiled and I could see him visibly heave a sigh of relief. "Thank you!"

"No, thank you! When do you want me to film you?"

He seemed to be thinking for a few moments. He looked around the room quietly, taking in the sight of his mother sleeping on the couch. He finally looked back towards me and nodded, "Not today... give me a couple weeks and I know I'll be ready."

I nodded. "I'm ready when you are... just say the word."

I left the room, shutting the door softly behind me. A couple weeks.

I hoped in my heart that Matthew had a couple weeks left.

-- August 4, 2008 5:56 pm --

I shut the car door behind me squinting my eyes against the bright afternoon sunshine and all but crawled towards the door of the house. I don't honestly think I'd ever been so tired in my entire life. I was tired enough that even the lush grass of the front yard looked inviting. I could have just laid down right there on the lawn and fallen asleep... but then I had to wonder what the neighbors would think. I'd been warned more than a few times by various friends and aquantainces that the final months of pregnancy would be less than fun... but really, this pregnancy was kicking ass and taking numbers.

"Aj," I whined as I threw my shoes off at the door and tossed my bag haphazardly into the closet. I secretly hoped he would come running from wherever he was in the house and carry me to bed like in a scene from a romantic movie. It could play out right there in my living room and the two of us could be the actors. Of course, real life ain't that romantic. When he still hadn't answered after a minute or two I slowly made my way into our bedroom where I quickly undressed and tossed my scrubs into the hamper. The master bath had never looked so inviting, staring at me from across the room, taunting me with its very existence.

Shower time.

The heat felt good against my aching body as I stood beneath the shower and let the water cascade along my very pregnant figure. I sighed heavily when I looked down towards the bottom of the tub and realized I could no longer see my feet. Why was it that no matter how many times you'd been warned of these things, you were never quite prepared when they actually occured? I felt huge and massive and whale-like and well... any other word that could possibly describe how gigantic I'd grown.

My eyelids grew heavier as I turned off the water and stepped out of the tub. I dried off as quickly as I possibly could and threw on some comfortable sweats. I had every intention of grabbing an ice cold lemonade from the fridge and climbing into bed for a good long nap.

"Jess?" I heard his voice echoing down the hallway and his footsteps on the wooden stairs, "Jess babe, you back there?"

I sighed, thankful he was home and hopeful that I could just lay down in the bed and he would fetch my lemonade for me while I got busy with the whole idea of snoozing off my exhaustion. "I'm here."

He walked in the room, a grin on his face a mile wide and paint smears covering the front of what once had been my favorite t-shirt to steal out of his drawer and wear when he wasn't home. I honestly didn't even want to know what sort of distruction he was causing... and where.

"Um," I said walking over to where he stood in the doorway and pointing to the paint smears, "what's all this here?"

His smile widened, "I have a surprise! Come with me."

First of all... I wasn't really much for surprises. I mean who doesn't love a good surprise on their birthday or Christmas... or even your wedding anniversary. But a surprise that comes complete with a husband bedecked in a paint splattered t-shirt, I didn't know if I wanted to see. And secondly... I just really wanted to sleep.

"Come on babe!"

I yawned as he took my hand and pulled me anxiously towards the bedroom door. I sighed heavily as the bedroom, and the bed where I should be comfortably curled up, slipped from my view. He dragged me up the stairs and I mean dragged... how else is a pregnant woman supposed to get up a flight of stairs?... and stopped in front of the closed nursery doorway.

I looked at him and raised my eyebrows. Oh now, THIS was good. This, the man who hadn't even wanted to think about a nursery four weeks ago was now actually PAINTING one. I had to see this.

He slowly opened the door and I gasped when I walked inside. It was beautiful. He'd finished putting up the wainscoat, it was white and looked like narrow pieces of wood that came halfway up the wall, and he'd painted the entire rest of the room in the sage green color we had choosen. The changing table was put together and resting in it's proper position in the corner and he'd even set up the stroller and the papasan baby swing.

I had to wipe a tear that had leaked from my eye and settled somewhere around my lips. Was this really the man I'd been nervous to even tell I was pregant? Nervous that he wasn't ready for a baby? That we weren't ready for a baby? He'd proven me wrong at every single turn and because of his willingness to be such a great husband and future father, our marriage had only become that much stronger. He'd come to every doctor's visit, held my hair through months of morning sickness, went out and bought my middle of the night cravings and even sat through the baby shower, all with a smile on his face and an eagerness to share in every experience.

I walked over to the changing table and brushed my hand against it's smooth wooden frame. The tears began to fall faster.

"You don't like it?" He asked as he pulled me close and noticed my tears, a worried expression crossing his face.

"No... I absolutely love it," I said as I let out a small sob, my hormones taking over for the millionth time since this journey'd begun, "it's so beautiful."

He pulled me even closer and held me tight.

"I'm exhausted," he said as when left the room together a few minutes later, "you wanna go lay down and take a nap with me?"

I looked at him in silence and smiled quite possibly the biggest smile I'd ever smiled in my entire life.

Did I want to lay down with him and take a nap? Who was he kidding anyway?

-- August 12, 2008, 2:30 pm --

He smiled at me immediately as I walked into his room that afternoon. I could sense the relief in his posture... see it in his eyes. I had a feeling he'd been waiting a while for this... planning it carefully and taking his time to get to the point when he felt like he could talk to me. I remembered the short conversation from the day before and couldn't help but smile as I held the camera up and zoomed in on his face.

"Hey Jess!" He'd greeted when I'd walked into his room. I'd smiled and nodded, setting about my work of checking his IV bags while he busily chatted me up. The time I'd spent in his room over those past two weeks had been spent much the same... me doing my work while he talked to me about his life and his dreams. It made me happy to know that he felt he could talk to me about those things and so I listened carefully, absorbing everything he said and tucking the special things deep within my heart.

"Can we do the movie tomorrow?" He'd asked as I fiddled with giving him an injection in his port. He didn't even wince anymore when I did it. You knew a patient had spent far too much of his life being stuck with needles when it no longer phased him at all.

I looked down at him as he looked up at me, our eyes met and I knew in that moment that he was serious... that he was ready. "Of coures," I'd answered as I pulled the needle out and wiped the area with a clean piece of guaze.

Hey waved towards the camera and sat up straighter in his bed. I flipped the record button off and moved the camera away from my face. "Where would you like to do this?" I asked thinking he may want to move out of his bed around the room somewhere.

"Here is fine," he answered gesturing for me to sit down in the chair beside his bed, "here's good... here's real."

I nodded in understanding and sat down beside him. To show Matthew on film anywhere but in his hospital bed would not be doing justice to the life he'd lived for the past four and a half years. In those years Matthew had spent more time in that hospital bed, confined to the four walls of that "Star Wars" themed hospital room than he'd spent outside of the hospital, just being a kid.

I explained to Matthew that I was going to record him... that he could talk about whatever he wanted, anything he wanted and that we would stop whenever he was ready, be that two minutes after I started recording or two hours... I knew this was important to Matthew and I'd set aside the entire afternoon just for him. He nodded silently and bit his lip in contemplation. I held the camera up again and pushed record, not knowing what was coming and hoping I could stay strong for Matthew.

"My name is Matthew Meegan," He began as he leaned back in the bed and stared up at the ceiling, "I'm 14 years old... almost fifteen... and I've spent nearly 4 years of my life in this hospital room." He gestured slowly around the room and I followed his movement with my camera, focusing on the IV pole and the uneaten dinner tray, the couch where his mother had spent countless nights and the Stars mural on the wall that was meant to make the patient feel welcome. I focused on Matthew again and listened as he continued...

"I have cancer. Neuroblastoma. And I am going to die."

I held my breath as he said the words. I knew he wasn't going to make it, his family knew he wasn't going to make it, but to hear your 14 year old patient acknowledge the fact that he is going to die... it wasn't easy. I watched as he sat in silence for a moment, biting his lip again, trying to decide what to say next. Or maybe trying not to show his emotions.

He sighed deeply before he continued moments later. "I want everyone to know that I am not dying," Matthew said as he shifted uneasily in his bed before rubbing his hands quickly over his bald head. I had no idea what he meant... I wanted to ask him but I didn't get the chance before he continued, "I want everyone to know that up until the moment that I die, I am living." I sighed in realization of what Matthew was saying.

"I don't want to be treated like a dying person. I know in my heart and in my mind that every breath I take is one closer to the moment I never breathe again... but I also know that if everyone thought that way all the time then we'd all be dying the moment we're born, and I just don't want to think of it that way. So I'm living. And as far as any one of you should be concerned... I'll be living until the very moment I take my final breath of air."

I could do nothing but watch on in amazement as Matthew spoke the words. They were words I'd heard before... perhaps not in the same exact way, but similar, only from individuals much older than a 14 year old boy who should have a lifetime of breaths left ahead of him. It became clearer with each passing day that Matthew was wise beyond his years. That Matthew knew more in his young age than most of us could even begin to try to learn in a lifetime.

"I don't want to be treated like a dying person," Matthew continued as a sly smile crossed his face, "I want for you all to continue to joke with me and play games with me... to laugh with me and to make fun memories with me. I don't want to be remembered as the Matthew who could't do anything for himself or the Matthew that needed morphine just to get through the day. I want to be remembered as the fun kid that used to run through the hallways spreading cheer."

I smiled at the memories of Matthew dashing down the hospital hallways. He had a special way of brightening a person's day with his attitude towards life and his unwavering faith.

I sat in that hospital room that afternoon for nearly an hour and a half listening to the things that Matthew had to say. He wanted people to treat him the same, he wanted people to remember him for the great kid that he was but he also wanted for his family to know he loved them and he wanted for us all to know that he planned to die in his own way in his own time, not in a hospital bed surrounded by crying family and friends.

I shifted in my chair an hour into our talk, my pregnant stomach grumbling for food and my feet swelling up like balloons. I reminded myself quickly that the uncomfortableness I was experiencing through such a time of joy in my life was nothing compared to what Matthew and his family were going through. Matthew had just finished telling me that he was looking forward to seeing his father again in Heaven. He'd missed his dad so much and wished many days that he had been there to help him through his own struggles with cancer. He'd remembered his father during his sickest days... he'd rememered his father's death... but he also remembered all of the memories they'd made together before that time and he shared them with me that day. His first time riding a bike... his first time swimming in the ocean. He remembered his father teaching him to fish and he told me how he'd inherited his father's love of country music... because his mother certainly was not a fan. I laughed and smiled as he shared his memories. It was good to hear Matthew talk about seeing his father again in Heaven.

"There's one last thing," Matthew began as I stifled a small yawn behind the lens of the camera, another symptom of pregnancy I wished would go away, "I remember how sad we all were when dad died." I watched as his mind searched through it's file of painful memories and a small frown appeared on his face. "I don't want people to feel that way when I die."

I nodded at him and moved the camera slowly away, focusing momentarily on the photo of his family he always kept beside his bed. An older photo of a couple with a handsome 9-year-old son and an adorable baby girl. And then on the newer photo... just the three of them, their father missing. When I moved the camera back up I noticed that Matthew was staring at the photos too.

"That's hard to think about," he whispered as I watched a tear slowly trickle down his cheek and come to rest upon his chin for a moment before dripping off onto his blankets. "That I'm going to be the one missing now..."

I nodded my head in acknowledgement of his fear. It had to be a scary thing knowing you were going to be gone from a life you'd known forever and a family you loved dearly.

"I don't want them to be sad for me," he continued as he reached out and took hold of the newer photo. "I know how sad mom was... I don't want her to be that sad."

I wanted to stand and hug him but I knew it wasn't the right time. I wanted to pull him into a tight embrace and never let him go. I couldn't help but wonder how hard this all was for his mother. The woman who'd carried him for nine months and given birth to him and loved him unconditionally and who'd been here for him through everything he'd endured during his journey. Agonizing didn't seem a strong enough word for that kind of feeling.

"I want my mom and my sister to always remember that I love them," he said as his eyes slowly closed and he leaned his head back into his pillows. I could tell he was fading fast. He'd been up longer in that hour and a half than he'd been up in days. He sighed deeply and pulled the covers up under his chin. I took that as a sign that he was finished talking and started to take the camera down before he raised his hand in a halting gesture.

"One more thing," he whispered as he yawned and snuggled in deeper still... "I want everyone to know that they have to keep living. You don't die until you're dead... they can't give up on living just because I'm going to die."

I had to compose myself before I left his room. The tears fell steadily, my heart beat fast. "You don't die until you're dead"... it never ceased to amaze me the lessons I continuously learned from my youngest patients.

-- August 17, 2008, 9:15 am --

I sighed as I stared across the table at the gorgeous man sitting opposite me. He was wearing a pair of faded ragged blue jeans and a navy blue polo shirt, a Corona beer baseball cap sitting crookedly atop his head and one flip-flopped foot resting awkwardly on the seat of the chair beside him. His facial hair had grown scruffy and his eyes looked amazing serene and peaceful, lacking all of the stage makeup he constantly wore during his touring days. He looked natural and beautiful to me, just sitting there at our kitchen table, reading the morning paper and sharing bits of his french toast with Lucifer, the cat.

Oh that cat... I hated that cat, Aj's cat. And in all fairness, so you don't think I'm just an animal hater, the cat hated me too. But the love between Lucifer and Aj surpassed the love of any animal and owner I'd ever seen before. I thought back on the beginnings of our relationship, back before the furry creature had been banned from our bedroom, to the nights when I'd wake up to find that damned cat just sitting on the bed beside me. Just sitting and staring... and oh if looks could kill that cat would have killed me a million times for taking his place in Aj's bed.

I laughed thinking back on the fateful morning I'd been abruptly woken up to the sounds of Lucifer wretching up a hairball right in the middle of Aj's back. Of course Aj had woken up as well... but he was too late and the results had not been pretty. Let's just say I was glad I didn't end up having to set my foot down about not having a cat sleeping in the middle of our bed. That was the very last night Lucifer was allowed anywhere near a sleeping Aj.

"What are you giggling about over there in lala land, crazy lady?" I heard Aj ask as I was pulled back to reality and realized I was indeed giggling to myself.

"Nothin'.

I couldn't stop giggling though and I knew I would have to get control quick because pregnant women with babies on their bladders and giggle fits did not mix... no siree. I stood and walked over to the fridge in the hopes of taking my mind off the cat and my husband. I grabbed the orange juice from the top shelf and turned just in time to run smack dab into Aj who was now standing at the counter behind me, leaning there in his sexiest manner with a smirk on his face. Dammit. Why did my husband have to be so sexy even when he wasn't trying? And why did my pregnancy hormones have to be all haywire? I could go from emotional to sweaty to horny to crazy all in the span of about 5 minutes.

"What?" I moaned, pushing him out of the way as I reached for the cabinet to grab a glass for the juice I really didn't want. I had, afterall, just gone to the fridge to stop my giggling. Now I had no real need for juice. It didn't matter anyway, Aj reached the cabinet first and grabbed the glass for me, taking the juice from my hands and unscrewing the lid as he gave me a concerned glance.

"You really should be relaxing on your days off you know?" He nagged as poured the juice into a glass and took my hand, leading me through the kitchen and out into the living room where he directed me to sit down on the couch. I rolled my eyes. I had been sitting at the table in the kitchen for cripe's sake, real strenuous work there. And seriously, if he didn't stop ordering me around I was going to have to shoot him. Or maybe I would just hurt him, you know, render him incapable of nagging me. He was constantly making me 'rest' or forcing me to sit around the house and do nothing, watching me like a ticking time bomb as if letting me lift a finger would make me go into labor early. It was getting rather annoying.

I shot him a dirty look as I sipped the glass of unwanted OJ. He nestled in beside me on the couch and kissed my cheek, rubbing my stomach gently with his hands as baby tad kicked furiously from inside me. I couldn't help but smile. He may be nagging the hell out of me, but at least he was enjoying this father-to-be thing. I could have the kind of husband who didn't get into the pregnancy at all.

"Hey babe?" He asked, pulling me from my thoughts again, his hand still circling gently around my popped belly button.

"Yeah Aje?"

"Can I ask you a question?"

"You just did."

He laughed and rolled his eyes, "Smartass."

I nodded and waited for the real question which he seemed to be having trouble asking. His face contorted in a thoughtful expression as he removed his hat and ran his fingers through his messy hair.

"What is it Aj?" I asked, growing a little concerned. Aj and I very rarely had trouble talking about anything. True we may argue about things, but we argued and we talked... we never just kept things to ourselves. I'd always believed our ability to talk about things or argue them out was the only reason we'd ever worked.

I watched as he ran his fingers through his hair once again, "Do you... have you thought about what's going to happen when the baby's born?" He finally asked, nervousness evident in his voice. I sighed, amazed that this question had actually waited this long. I'd thought about it a lot, considered the options, what I would do, would I work or quit or take leave or would I change my lifestyle completely? It was a lot to think about but I'd considered all of my options carefully and had planned to eventually discuss it with Aj if the topic came up... like now...

"Yeah Aje... I have thought about it, a lot actually," I answered, watching as he took his hand carefully from my stomach and placed it in his lap, rubbing his hands together as if I were about to drop a bomb right in the middle of his very existence. "I think it would be best if I leave my job, at least for a good while and stay home with the baby."

I could sense his relief as he moved closer and wrapped his arm around my shoulder. I could tell he'd anticipated our relationship-long argument... the one where I didn't have to work but I wanted to and we argued on and on until finally I won. But this time it didn't happen and I think it shocked him just a bit.

"Are you sure?" he asked as he pulled me close and rubbed my tummy once more, "I mean, I don't want you to do anything you don't want to do..." and even though he meant it to be sincere I knew it wasn't. But it didn't matter because I'd made up my mind. Matthew was the last long-term patient I'd been caring for. It was a good time for me to leave... leaving without feeling like I was leaving behind incredibly important people.

I nodded, "I'm sure."

He hugged me again and I curled into his chest. I was looking forward to the time off work, the time spent with my husband and my child and the Backstreet family... but I couldn't lie and say that I wouldn't miss what I was leaving behind. My job meant the world to me... and my co-workers, but my family meant a whole lot more and seeing the smile on Aj's face as he sat there beside me and felt gently for the kicks of our unborn child... well that made it all so incredibly worth it.

-- August 25, 2008, 2:15 pm --

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons, I'm finally content with the past I regret. I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness, For once I'm at peace with myself. I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long... I'm movin' on.

I slipped quietly into his hospital room that morning, certain that any loud noise would wake him and cause him more pain than was absolutely necessary... at least at this point in time. I paused when I heard the song on the radio. His mother had clearly brought his favorite CD along... Rascal Flatts. I couldn't remember the number of times the two of us had sat together and talked about his favorite music or his favorite tv shows or his favorite books over the past 4 and a half years but from those numerous conversations I could list his favorites pretty much in order and I knew that Rascal Flatts ranked right at the top. In fact, the two of us could be caught at any given time, rocking out to his other favorite Rascal Flatts songs, like "Life is a Highway", "Mayberry" and "Praying for Daylight" together, dancing around his hospital room, he would be hooked up to his IV pole being pumped full of fluids and chemo, singing like there was no tomorrow, singing like his life depended on it. I would be wearing his favorite Scooby Doo scrubs and using my stethoscope as a mircophone. The two of us made quite a pair... at least that's what the other nurses always said.

'Praying for daylight', I thought silently to myself... now that's what we were all doing for Matthew... just praying for daylight.

I've lived in this place and I know all the faces. Each one is different but they're always the same. They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it, they'll never allow me to change. But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong... I'm movin' on.

I sat beside his bed and held his hand as the music floated gently on the air and I hummed along to the beautiful melody. His mother had come to me that morning and asked if I would sit with him for a little while when she went home to grab a few things and spend some time with his little sister. Of course I'd said, 'yes'. I would always say yes when one of my favorite patients was involved. I had definitely broken every rule in my own book of nursing codes when it came to Matthew. I'd come too close... cared too much... I'd taken Matthew home in my heart on more than a few occassions and I felt it now, sitting beside his bed, holding his hand in mine. The loss would be great. I'd felt as close to Matthew as I had to only one or two other patients during my entire career. I think it was a kind of closeness that could only come from knowing a patient for so long. It's hard enough not to get attached to children in just a few weeks... but after years... after 4 and half years... Matthew had definitely won my heart and there would always be a special place reserved for him there.

I'm movin' on, at last I can see, life has been patiently waiting for me. And I know, there's no guarantees but I'm not alone. There comes a time in everyone's life, when all you can see are the years passin' by, And I have made up my mind that those days are gone...

I sighed deeply and watched Matthew breathing peacefully there beside me. "I hope you know how much you're loved Matt," I whispered to him as I gently wiped his face with a cool cloth. I hoped he knew how much the people in that hospital cared about him... how much people all over the world cared about him. Matthew's mother had created an online website for him... a dedication page and 'fans' from all over the country and even from other countries would send him messages of love and hope and strength. Matthew had always loved checking his guestbook and sharing his messages with me.

I watched the heart monitor as it steadily beeped at 90, his blood pressure was even, his temperature normal. It was hard to believe that he was dying. Hard to believe that this young man, in the prime of his life would be gone in a little while. I held his hand tighter and let him know that it was okay to let go... that everyone... his mom, his sister, his family and friends... we were all ready when he was.

I sat by his bed a while longer until his mom arrived and then I stood and left the room as she took her rightful spot in the chair beside her son's bed. I had to go and sit in the lounge by myself for a while and think about how much Matthew's death was going to affect me.

~~~~~~

I must have fallen asleep on the sofa because the next thing I knew I was being shaken awake...

"Jess," it was Aj, standing there beside me. What was he doing in the hospital... in our nursing lounge? Wait a minute... I looked around me and took in the site of the monitors and felt the warmth of the bed beneath me and the blankets covering me. What was going on? Where was I?

"Where am I?" I asked as I tried to sit up but instead ended up laying quickly back down as dizziness washed over my aching body.

"You're still at the hospital Jessica," Aj said in a serious tone as he stood beside me and placed a hand lovingly in mine. "You passed out earlier and they couldn't get you to wake up so they brought you up here and hooked you up to some monitors and things and called me. You scared the hell outta me babe."

I nodded... scared the hell out of myself too. At least I did just then when I woke up in a hospital bed. I really wasn't aware of the whole passing out and not waking up episode... I was just under the impression I'd fallen asleep. "Is everything okay though?" I asked growing more concerned when Aj didn't continue... "I mean... is the baby okay?" I reached down and felt my still swollen belly and sighed with relief, at least I was still clearly pregnant.

Aj nodded in response. "The doctor said she thinks you were just exhausted."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

I felt his hand squeeze mine tighter as he sat on the bed beside me. "No more of this Jess... you're starting to scare me. You're working too much... to hard. I know you're scared about your patients, but this... this has to stop before something bad happens to YOU."

I tried not to look him in the eye, afraid of the anger I'd see if I did but he lifted my face in his hands and I had to and surprisingly there wasn't any anger at all... only concern. And I felt the concern too. For him, for myself, for my baby. I nodded in agreement. "Okay."

I laid back in the bed and shut my eyes as he climbed in beside me and cuddled up next to my body. I couldn't help but still be worried about Matthew and everything that was going on around me but I also knew that Aj was right. I had to stop this... I had to rest.

I had to try and enjoy this last bit of my pregnancy. I had to be healthy for myself and for my baby.

-- September 1, 2008, 11:15 am --

Can we go back to the days our love was strong? Can you tell me how a perfect love goes wrong? Can somebody tell me how to get things back the way things used to be? Oh God give me the reason, I'm down on bended knee.

I could hear Aj singing in his studio from the bedroom as I stood in front of the mirror and tossed my hair up into a messy ponytail. I could have listened to him sing all day long, my favorite Boyz II Men song... he always knew exactly the right songs to turn me on and I highly suspected he was singing that one because he knew I was still annoyed with him for a number of reasons. I silently prayed that JC would keep him occupied long enough for me to sneak out of the house without him noticing. That old saying "it's easier to beg forgiveness than to ask permission"... Yeah... well, let's just say I was banking on forgiveness later that afternoon when I returned. He owed me a forgiveness or two anyway, at least that's what I figured.

I threw on my tennis shoes and glanced at myself in the mirror once more before I hurried towards the garage, grabbing my purse off the back of the couch and swinging the door open just in time to run smack into JC who was apparently already IN the garage grabbing a can of Coke from the refrigerator Aj kept out there for his buddies.

"Where are you off to in such a hurry Jess?" He asked, rather loudly and I nearly cursed when I heard Aj abruptly stopping singing, ending right at "So many nights I dream of you, holding my pill--"

Crap.

'Finish the lyric', I thought to myself, 'keeeep singing!' But it was too late. I heard footsteps down the hall and that was that. Caught red-handed.

"Yeah Jess?" He said giving me the stink-eye, "just where do you think you're going?"

I shot him my best dirty look and a finger for good measure. He'd been on me like white on rice ever since the "passing out" incident in the hospital. I'd taken leave from my job and he'd pretty much kept me at home, confined to whatever room had a bed or a sofa, since then.

"I... um..." I tried to think up a good lie. I could tell him I was going to the store to get groceries... but he'd already done that. I could tell him I was having a craving, but he'd insist on picking that up himself. The only defense I'd ever had to use to get out of the house when he annoyed me was to go buy pads and well... staring down at my extremely pregnant belly I figured that excuse would go over just about as well as a turd in a punchbowl (it's a southern thing... don't ask).

I decided to go with a craving but realized I'd thought about it too long when I looked up to find him standing there, arms crossed over his chest, staring right through me. "Don't even try," he said when I started to mumble again. "Where are you going for real?"

"To the hospital," I sighed in defeat as he shook his head in annoyance. I hadn't wanted to even deal with telling him at all. Hadn't wanted him to get in between me and my work, but he'd already managed to do that. Today was going to be the last opportunity I would have to see Matthew... he was being sent home on Hospice... and I was going to go see him regardless of what my jackass of a husband wanted me to do.

"Look Aje," I sighed as I watched JC turn to walk back towards the studio after telling us he'd leave us alone to 'talk'... argue was more like it... "I didn't want to go into all of this but I have a patient who is leaving the hospital today..."

"That's great," he interrupted without giving me a chance to finish my story, "I'm sure your patient will come back and visit the hospital plenty of times in the future and you can see 'your patient' then." (No really, he said it sarcastically with finger quotes and everything).

That was the last straw for me.

"You know what Aj, screw you!" He stared at me, a bit taken aback. I'd been very docile lately, playing along with his games of 'let Aj be the boss daddy' and I think it shocked him to see me standing up for myself again. It felt good though and seriously... screw him.

I turned to walk out the door and he grabbed my arm, "Jess really... is this necessary? I mean you... the baby?"

I hated when he tried to turn his assholishness around on me. I'm being a jerk, but let's make Jessica feel like shit for endangering the life of our child. UGH!

"Aj," I said turning back towards him and shaking my head in disgust, "I'm fine, the baby is fine, no episodes for a week. And for your information -- you shithead -- if you'd let me finish telling you, the patient will NOT be coming back to the hospital. He is going home on hospice where he will remain until he dies."

I watched as his head fell, prepared for his groveling before it even began... surprised when it never came.

"Go then," he said as he turned to walk back towards his studio. I was shocked that he'd let me win without too much of a fight. I hoped he felt like as big a butt head as I thought he was.

"Just be careful."

I rolled my eyes. "No Aj... I thought I'd be extra dangerous."

He frowned at me and sighed, "You don't have to be a bitch Jessica."

Ouch.

I walked over to him and took his hand in mine. "I'm sorry Aje." I shrugged, "sorry you think I'm a bitch and sorry that it's so hard for me to deal with being 8 months pregnant and not being able to tolerate my husband constantly being on my back. It sucks okay?"

He shook his head and gave me a hug.

"I'm sorry Jess, you know I just don't want anything bad to happen to either of you." He rubbed my tummy and I sighed heavily.

"I know Aj... you need to chill out though. We will be fine."

He sighed again, "I'm sorry about your patient."

"Thank you." What else was there to say. He was at least acknowleding the face that I had a dying patient now. That was a step in the right direction. I didn't expect him to ever understand what it felt like.

"He's 14 years old Aj," I whispered, not sure why I told him but I did.

"God Jessica."

"Yeah."

He hugged me again and kissed my forehead, "Just be careful... please."

I nodded my head and kissed him again before walking out the door and climbing into the car. I wasn't looking forward to this day at all. I'd be going to the hospital and spending a few minutes at best with Matthew before he left. He'd been surrounded by family and friends for the past week and today would be no different. I didn't want to intrude... just wanted to say goodbye. Chances were Matthew wouldn't even know I was there.

I pulled slowly out of the driveway and stuck my Boyz II Men CD in the stereo, wiping a tear as I drove along listening to my favorite song with the windows rolled down and my thoughts on Matthew...

I don't know where this road is going to lead me. All I know is where we've been and what we've been through. And if we get to see tomorrow, I hope it's worth all the pain...

It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday...

--September 9, 2008, 7:10 pm --

Say 'goodbye', these days are gone, and we can't keep holdin' on, when all we need is some relief from these hard times.

Bedrest. The one word I had dreaded my entire pregnancy.

Bedrest. The one word my doctor had deemed it necessary to throw at me during my appointment the morning before when he'd told me, "Mrs. Mclean (hadn't I asked him to call me Jessica?), you've still got six weeks til your due date, you're 3 centimeters dilated, and you're blood pressure is elevated. I want you on immediate bedrest." I'd had to turn my head away from Aj's penetrating eyes. Damn him for knowing everything all the time.

Bedrest.

The definition of 'bedrest', as I'd tried to explain a million and one times to my dear pain in the ass of a husband over the last 24 hours, was a huge gray area. Undefined really. It did mean resting in bed of course, but was there really a set amount of time that I had to rest there? I mean five minutes every hour or so seemed plenty enough to me. After all I had baby clothes to wash and a nursery to finish and a stroller and bouncy seat and pack n' play to put together. I had diapers to arrange, teeny tiny socks to sort... the list went on and on and those things weren't getting done so long as I was restricted to my stinking bed.

Nope. There was absolutely no time for 'bedrest'.

Aj disagreed. In his mind bedrest meant keeping my butt in bed all day long, every single day until the moment our child decided to pop on out and enjoy this great wide world we lived in. And, as he'd explained, "that moment had better be damn close to 6 weeks from now," when 'said baby' is actually scheduled to arrive... or of course he would scold me for not properly following the baking instructions as if our child were a box of brownies and I was the oven.

"The only thing you're allowed to get out of bed for," he'd told me at 3:30 that morning as he'd hauled my whale-sized butt out of the kitchen where I was busy making myself a scrumptious and much craved for grilled cheese sandwhich and back to my king-sized bed (now prison), "is to pee!" And he'd deposited me there, covered me with far too many blankets and proceeded to haul his own far too skinny butt out to the couch in the living room... "because," as he'd informed me repeatedly for the past five nights, "it feels like an ice box in this damned bedroom!"

Was it my fault I was carrying 27 extra pounds of 'baby Aj' in my stomach? Was it my fault that 'baby Aj' made me feel like I was living in a freaking hot box?

No?

Well I didn't think so either!

What I did think, or rather, what I knew, was that I had far too much to do to be laying around in bed, listening to the radio when there were things to be done. I missed my job -- the exciting, on-the-go atmosphere of the pediatrics unit was calling my name. I missed my co-workers, my fellow nurses, my best friends, my patients. I really missed my patients. I didn't want to spend six weeks in bed... heck I didn't even want to spend a single day there. But I knew in my heart I had to do what was best for my baby and so I forced myself to remain there in the quiet solitude and boredom of my bedroom. I didn't have to be happy about it though.

I pulled the shade back from the window beside my bed and watched as Aj's car pulled into the driveway and he clambored out of the driver's seat and pulled a few large boxes from the trunk. It was the new crib and the rocking chair for the nursery. I'd begged repeatedly to go with him to pick them up, even if it meant just sitting in the car while her ran into the store to pay for the items... but he wasn't budging in his stance. I was to stay at home in bed and not lift a finger or move a muscle. I longed to walk up the stairs and set things up in the new master bedroom (the biggest guest room that was convieniently located next to the nursery) and do some prep work on the bathrooms. I longed to go into the nursery and hang up some of the clothes and help set up the room the way I wanted it.

But the answer was no. Always no. I was to stay in bed until the doctor told me otherwise.

"Baby?" I heard his voice as he came into the house, the clatter of his keys hitting the kitchen table. I was surprised he even called for me instead of sneaking around trying to find me up to something I wasn't supposed to be doing. He loved catching me out of bed... just so he could scold me for it.

"In here dummy!" I hollered smiling as he walked in the door and rolled his eyes, "where the hell else would I be, your masterness?"

He laughed. I'm sure the sight of me, laying there in nothing put my oversized pregnancy underwear and my ugly, but comfortable bra, was pretty funny, but I shot him a look that dared him to laugh again. He walked over and crawled into the bed beside me, wrapping his arms around me and gently kissing my swollen belly.

"I'm up here hon." I joked as I pulled his lips up to meet mine and he laughed, "you don't have to give the baby all the attention until he or she arrives."

He laughed again and sighed... "He or she... I can't wait to meet this little one and find out what it's going to be."

I reached up gently and kissed him, "Me either. I'm getting so excited just wondering what the baby's going to look like and whose personality it will have."

"I just hate calling our baby 'it'," He chuckled as he kissed my tummy gingerly, "thought anymore about names Jess?"

"Well..." We'd pretty much already decided, Madeline Olivia for a girl and Liam James for a boy. Our choices had changed a few times over the past few months but we'd settled squarely on the idea that our daughter would be named Madeline after my grandmother and our son would at have the middle name James after Aj, we'd gone back and forth on a middle name for a girl and a first name for a boy, but Olivia and Liam were our recent favorites. "I still like the names we picked Aje."

"Good," he answered still focusing intently on my tummy where the baby was now kicking nearly nonstop. It was painful and funny... painfully funny to sit there and watch as my stomach moved around in rhythm to his tiny kicks and punchs.

"I still want to wait until I see the baby though okay?"

He smiled and nodded, "sounds good to me."

"6 weeks Aj," I said pulling his head up to mine and kissing him eagerly.

"I can't wait."

"I can't either," I grinned, "but in the meantime..."

I pulled him down onto the bed and that's where we ended up, lost in one another's arms... in bed... resting.

Bedrest.

Now this was something I could deal with.

-- September 26, 2008 5:00 pm--

Saying goodbye, going away, seems like goodbye's such a hard word to say. Touching a hand, wondering why, it's time for saying goobye.

Saying goodbye, why is it sad? Makes us remember the good times we've had. Much more to say, foolish to try, it's time for saying goodbye.

Don't want to leave, but we both know,

Sometimes it's better to go...

I stood at the back of the crowded cemetary and listened quietly as some friends of Matthew's mother sang one of his favorite songs from the Muppets Movie. Matthew may have been an old soul but he was still a child at heart and he'd always loved the Muppets. I remembered the conversation we'd had a couple weeks before about how he'd helped his mom plan his funeral and how he'd choosen his favorite songs from the Muppet movies. He had told me he didn't want the burden of planning his memorial to fall on his mother's shoulders when he knew she'd be grieving enough already.

Little things like that about Matthew had always amazed me.

It all seemed so surreal, standing at the back of that crowd and listening to the songs he'd chosen for himself, now being sung in his honor. I glanced up towards the beautiful summer sky and felt the cool pacific breeze blowing gently across my face. If there was one thing I'd always loved about California it was that breeze and it's ability to make even the hottest of summer days feel wonderful. I had to wonder if Matthew was somewhere up there in the sky, lying upon a big fluffy cloud and watching as we all celebrated the life he'd left behind. I could only imagine the smile on his face as he peered down at the sea of red, his favorite color that everyone at the cemetary was wearing in some form or another. I could imagine the grin that would follow when he saw all of the blue balloons we were holding... one for every guest which meant there had to be well over 500 blue balloons hovering in the air above our heads just waiting to be released.

Or maybe Heaven was somewhere far beyond this earth... far beyond the realm of possibility for Matthew to see or hear any of what was going on at his funeral. Maybe in Heaven you couldn't remember all that you'd left behind. Maybe what we experience as years on earth are only short moments in Heaven and maybe in a minute we'll all be together again. I didn't know... I've never known. All I knew in that moment was that I hoped Matthew could feel the incredible amount of love being sent his way from the earth towards the Heavens in his name.

I stared down at the booklet in my hand... the program for his service that was filled with pages upon pages of photographs and memories. I was there on page 15. A photo of "Matthew and his favorite Nurse, Jessica McLean." It was taken outside of the hospital that day a couple weeks before... the day I'd gone to say goodbye. The day he'd gone home for the very last time.

Home to die. It was where he wanted to be. It was where his mother wanted him to be. It was where we all knew he needed to be.

Matthew Robert Meegan December 5, 1993 - September 22, 2008

"There's not a word yet for old friends who've just met, Part Heaven, part space, or have I found my place? You can just visit, but I plan to stay. I'm going to go back there someday..."

I smiled as I read the lyrics to the song from the movie I'd remembered watching with Matthew a few times in his many years in the hospital. If ever there was a time in my life when I was comforted by words... it was then.

I knew in my heart that Matthew had known where he was headed. He'd told me that myself on numerous occasions... that he was going back there.

Going back to that familiar place where love surrounds you and you float on featherless wings. Back to that somewhere beautiful he'd always talked about.

I looked towards the front of the crowd, past the sea of balloons to where Matthew's mother and his sister were seated. I watched as they stood and walked towards the casket, his mother wiped her eyes silently with a tissue, his sister seemed too young to really comprehend everything that was happening. I watched as the two of them stood beside his burial spot and spoke their final words. The family members gathered at the front of the crowd followed slowly. The procession of people lasted nearly 10 minutes. 10 minutes during which the people around me cried and laughed and shared stories of the wonderful boy we'd all come to know and love in some way or another.

After those 10 minutes had passed, the priest at the front of the crowd stood and motioned for all of us to join in prayer. The prayer was short, it's meaning powerful. I couldn't remember the words, but I remembered the feeling. A young man had died and the world was grieving. He motioned for all of us to release our balloons and the sky quickly filled with a mass of blue, flying off in every direction.

He died on a Sunday. Alone in his bedroom at home... the way we all knew he would have wanted it to be.

His mother had found him moments after she believed he'd taken his final breaths of air.

"He was curled up on his side with his hands beneath his cheek, the bright September sunlight shining through his window casting shadows off his sweet pale face. A small smile had crept onto his lips... a smile I know came from finally making it to Heaven after all his years of struggling on Earth. It was a smile so beautiful I can't even begin to imagine how wonderful Heaven must be. My son never looked more peaceful to me."

And to know Matthew it totally made sense. He had looked forward to his death for a while now. Not his death so much as what was waiting for him at the end of his life. He would finally be going where he knew he was headed. Now he was finally at peace... he was finally free from pain.

I waited a moment and released my own balloon, watching as it flew off for the Heavens, knowing it would never make it. Heaven was not the place for balloons... Heaven was the place for angels.

Matthew was an angel now and Matthew, I knew, was in Heaven.

Somehow I know we'll meet again. Not sure quite where and I don't know just when. You're in my heart, so until then... it's time for saying goodbye.

You're in my heart, so until then...

Wanna smile, wanna cry, saying goodbye...

~~~~~~~~

I arrived home a few hours later emotionally taxed and physically drained. I'd been released from bedrest only a few days before when I'd first found out about Matthew's passing and I'd gone straight to the doctor hoping beyond all hope that he would release me from my bedroom prison so that Aj couldn't force me to stay home from the funeral. He'd checked me over and deemed me 'healthy as horse' and holding strong to little Tad. I was relieved and saddened at the same time. Relieved to be able to move around freely for the final weeks of my pregnancy. Saddened to be knowing that one of the first things I'd be venturing out to do would be to attend the services for one of my most beloved patients.

I'd remembered the conversation with Aj... it hadn't gone well.

Oh... he'd been amazingly supportive and okay with everything, knowing that the doctor was okay with with me being out of bed and going (he was there when the doctor told me I could), and he'd been amazingly comforting to me regarding the whole situation... but I had melted down completely. A mess of emotion and hormones. I'd spent most of the afternoon preparing for the funeral, a blubbering mess of bloated pregnant tears.

I sat down at the kitchen table and rested my head on my arms. The house was empty and silent. Aj had gone out for a final hoorah with the boys... his 'last big night out before the baby' as he'd put it... and the girls were all out together getting dinner somewhere. I'd wished for a small moment that I'd bypassed the funeral and gone out with the girls. But it wouldn't have been a fair testament to the young man I'd spent so many years of my life taking care of. I couldn't have missed out on his last goodbye and felt anything but miserable about doing so.

I crawled towards the bedroom and curled up into the bed, tucking myself deep under the covers and burying my face quietly into the pillow. I had no tears left to cry and no energy left to cry them if I did. I fell quickly asleep then and woke only a few hours later when Aj crawled into bed beside me and took me in his arms, pulling me close to his chest as I laid my head there and listened to the steady rhythm of his beating heart.

I couldn't believe that soon it would no longer be 'just the two of us'. Soon we would add another warm body to the bed. Another sleepy head to rest upon our chests. I dreamed so many nights of watching my baby sleeping there beside me... the sounds of breathing, the smell of baby breath. I'd never looked more forward to anything in my life.

It was hard to believe that life could be so cruel and amazing, wonderful and disheartening all in the same moments... all in the same days. I cuddled tighter into Aj's chest, the smell of his cologne comforting me as I nodded off into a peaceful sleep.

-- October 5, 2008, 9:53 pm --

"Take a deep breath... and... PUSH!"

"1... 2 ... 3... 4... 5..."

I pushed as hard as I could, focusing intently on the excruciating pain I was experiencing and the only means to end it -- birth. I squeezed my eyes shut tightly and bared down, giving it my all, even though at that point I didn't have much left to give. I felt the cool rag against my hot skin as the nurse wiped my forehead. I could hear their voices offering me words of encouragement and strength.

"You can do it! ... 6... 7... 8... 9...10... and deep breath..."

I took that deep breath just as the doctor had ordered and felt as the air rushed quickly back into my exhausted lungs. I loosened the death grip I'd had on Aj's hand momentarily and watched as he wiggled his fingers quickly in attempt to regain some feeling from the pain I was certain I'd inflicted.

"Another deep breath, you're almost there... and... PUSH!"

If you're looking for a fun and exciting birth story, it won't be mine. There was no rushing to the hospital in eager anticipation of impending birth. No water breaking in the middle of the grocery store or restaurant. No giving birth in the backseat of a filthy California taxi cab -- thank God for small favors! -- Honestly, the whole thing had been pretty boring.

I'd woken up at 4:30 in the morning having slight contractions... really... they barely noticable at all and in fact I truly believed I wouldn't have felt them at all if I hadn't been trying to sleep when they began. It was the end of a peaceful night's sleep, and the beginning of a long and boring waiting period. You see, with those barely noticible contractions began a nearly five hour, less than thrilling adventure of laying on the couch beside Aj, watching movies and reading while he timed my tiny twinges of pain.

Finally, at 9:15 when the contractions were around five minutes apart and the pain was growing a little more unbareable, and I do mean a little (at that point I thought labor was a walk in the park!), we hopped into the car -- Aj threatening me all the while about not letting my water break on his nice seats, as if I had a choice! -- and drove to the hospital where they hooked me up to IV's and monitors and left me alone in a room for several more hours of boring waiting.

Around 4:30 in the afternoon and following very little progress on my part, my doctor finally deemed it necessary to break my bag of water and that's when the real pain began. Yeah... the pain hadn't really been anything to write home about until that time, but I quickly found myself praying for a quick end to the misery.

"... 7... 8... 9... 10... breath. I can see the head!"

An hour's worth of pushing and with those words my heart leap into my throat. The head? That meant the baby was right there... right close to being born. Our baby was on it's way into the world. I'm not sure how I missed out on that fact throughout the entire labor... maybe throughout my entire pregnancy -- but Holy Shit! I was having a baby!!!

"Push baby! You can do it! Push!"

I could hear Aj's words now, right next to my ear as he whispered them repeatedly. He'd been amazing throughout my entire labor... sitting beside me and holding my hand while we talked about all of the great things we were going to do when our baby finally decided to make his or her grand entrance into the world. He'd brought me ice chips and wiped my head with a cool towel and even allowed me to cut off the circulation in his fingers a few times when the contractions had been exceptionally painful. I looked up into his eyes as I continued to push with all of my might. There were fresh tears there, and not from the pain of me injuring his hand either. These were good tears... tears of joy... of love... of peace. These were tears of true happiness.

Just then, as I was watching the look on Aj's face and getting caught up in the moment of what our life was about to become, I felt a huge burst of pain and then momentary relief.

"The shoulders are out Jessica, I need you to relax for a second..."

I could feel as our baby slid out from within me. I exhaled deeply as my body trembled and then relaxed on the table. The doctor held the baby up for Aj to see... this had been our plan... and Aj's smile widened by a million times.

"It's a boy Jess!! We have a little boy!!"

The doctor laid him there on my chest... slimy and wet, warm and sticky. I cried. Aj cried. We kissed as the nurse suctioned his mouth and then removed him from my stomach to weigh him and clean him up. It was the most amazing and surreal thing I'd ever experienced in my entire life. Aj stayed by my side the entire time, obviously wanting to go to our son's side, but not wanting to leave mine. Finally I waved him away, shooing him towards our new child and he went willingly, excitedly. Like a child in a candy store who couldn't even wait to get outside the door to unwrap his chocolate bar.

"7 lbs, 2 ounces Jessica," He beamed coming back over to give me a kiss on the cheek... "he's absolutely perfect in every single way."

I'd heard so many times that you will fall in love with your child the exact moment he's born and they lay him on your chest. I didn't get that though... not right away. I can't lie. He was slimy and messy, with a cone shaped head and a funky bluish complexion. The only thing I'd felt at that moment was relief. Physical and emotional relief. Relief that our child was finally there. Relief that I was no longer pregnant. Relief that the pain had ended. Just relief.

The true love didn't come until about 20 minutes later when the nurses had cleaned us both up and they brought him to me all wrapped up like a baby burrito in a pink and blue hospital blanket. I stared down at the precious child I held in my arms and without even realizing it... I loved him. More than myself... more than my husband... more than anyone else in the world.

I loved him. I would die for him.

Where had the emotions come from? I didn't even know. All I knew was how I felt and it was a feeling far beyond anything I'd ever felt for anyone else in my entire life. I hadn't known true love until I held him.

I glanced up at Aj who was staring down at our son with the same look of bewilderment and wonder that I'm sure I was wearing. I couldn't believe that the two of us had created something so beautiful together. I felt more love for my husband in that one single moment then I'd ever felt for him before. He stared down at me and smiled, mouthing the words "I love you," as he gently touched our babies soft brown hair with his fingertips.

"I love you too."

There's that one moment in life when everyone sits back and takes a look at where they've been and what they've been through. You take in the world around you and the life you've lived and you realize that every single tiny moment... every breath and every second of your life has led you to the point where you are and that everything you do from that moment on will be an extention of this new moment.

I realized it then, sitting there in that hospital room, my tiny baby curled tightly in my arms, my husband right beside me gently stroking his fingers through my sweaty hair... I wouldn't be where I was if it weren't for everything I'd been through and I would never be the same again because of this very moment.

This was my moment.

I was complete.

-- October 6, 2008, 8:07 am--

I stared at the tiny bundle of baby I held in my arms and my eyes slowly filled with tears. Tears of joy and love and excitement. Tears of nearly nine months worth of eager anticipation, waiting and longing to be in this exact spot at this exact moment holding this exact bundle of joy. I stared at my husband whose eyes were also filled with tears as he filmed his wife and new baby -- to be sitting here next to this exact man.

I counted the tiny fingers and caressed the tiny toes. I kissed his tiny cheeks and marveled at how beautiful our son was. I'd always thought he would be beautiful... but this... I'd never imagined just how beautiful he'd be or how quickly I would love him.

He stirred slightly in my arms and opened his eyes momentarily. I took those few moments to look into those amazing brown orbs of enlightenment. They seemed to reach right into his soul and tell the stories of a thousand memories I would never experience with him. The memories of those nine months inside my tummy and the memories of a time long before then.

His memories of Heaven.

I believe that every child is a gift from God, wrapped up and given to our world for a specific purpose. I believe that it is our job to unwrap the child over the years and figure out what that purpose is. I peered down at him as he opened his eyes again. I silently wondered how many of my friends he'd met in Heaven... oh the stories this little one could tell if only he had the words to tell them.

I believe we are all born from Heaven with stories and thoughts and memories that we long to tell, but we can't. We can't tell them because we are too young and too weak and too innocent. And as we grow we forget those stories, those memories, those people. But as much as we forget those people and those memories, we meet new people and make new memories and even without realizing it we take a part of all of those people we met in Heaven with us... a reincarnation of sorts.

I wondered which parts of which people my son would carry with him for the rest of his life. I hoped he'd met Christi and Rachel up there. I hoped he would be as compassionate as Christi and as funny as Rachel and I hoped with my whole heart that he would have as beautiful a spirit as sweet Matthew.

I carefully removed his tiny hat and sighed at the sight of his sweet, round, nearly bald head. I leaned down and inhaled his baby scent and kissed his barely peachy fuzz and in that moment it came to me.

"Matthew," I whispered as I breathed in the experience of my newborn son.

Aj leaned over with a questioning glance as I carefully handed him our baby, "What sweetheart... I didn't hear you?"

"What do you think of the name Matthew?" I whispered a little louder as I watched his face for any sign of disappointment. There was only a smile and a nod.

"Matthew..." He repeated. "I love it."

It was my turn to smile as I took in the sight of my husband and my perfect son. The two of them were beautiful sitting there together in the sunlight coming through the window of our hospital room. I couldn't help but be amazed by everything my life had given me... at how far we'd come to be in this place at this moment... to be welcoming a new baby into our lives.

"Matthew James McLean," Aj whispered as he planted several kisses on our baby's tiny forehead, "Welcome to the world my son."

"Welcome to the world."

-- October 13th 2008, 10:27 pm --

Dragontales and the water is wide, Pirates sail and lost boys fly. Fish bite moonbeams every night and I love you. Godspeed little man, sweet dreams little man... Oh my love will fly to you each night on angel's wings... Godspeed. Sweet dreams.

I laid in our king sized bed, staring up at the ceiling and listening to the beautiful sound of my husband's voice carrying through the house as he sweetly sang a lullaby to our son... the same lullaby I'd been singing to him everynight since we'd arrived home from the hospital the week before. It touched my heart to know that Aj had been listening to me sing... hearing the words and the melody and taking it all in so that he too could sing my favorite bedtime song to our sweet baby boy. It felt especially good knowing that my son was being lulled to sleep by a song that had such meaning in my life.

I gently slid out from under the covers and made my way down the hall to the nursery, now completely set up with the crib and the changing table, an oversized rocker and a beautiful mural of woodland animals. The nursery I'd always dreamed of for my son. I paused there briefly outside the door to listen as Aj continued to sing...

Robin Racer's all tuckered out, Superman's in pajamas on the couch. Goodnight moon will find the mouse and I love you. Godspeed little man, sweet dreams little man... Oh my love will fly to you each night on angel's wings, Godspeed. Sweet dreams.

I stood there in the doorway and marveled at the sight before my eyes. The two of them there in moonlight, Aj leaning back in the rocking chair, Matthew curled up peacefully on his chest, sucking on his oversized hospital pacifier like there was no tomorrow. I leaned against the doorframe unsure if I should enter the room and disturb the peaceful moment the two of them were clearly entranced in. Instead of interupting I just watched and held back my tears, waiting for Aj to begin singing the next verse...

God bless mommy and matchbox cars, God bless dad and thanks for the stars...

I walked towards them then as Aj began the next line of the song and smiled when he winked up at me and nodded.

God hears Amen wherever we are and I love you. Godspeed little man, sweet dreams little man. Oh my love will fly to you each night on angel's wings... Godspeed, Godspeed, Godspeed. Sweet dreams.

The two of us sang the ending together, our voices mixed beautiful as Matthew, who had begun stirring, calmed once more and drifted peacefully off to sleep. I scooted onto the oversized chair next to Aj and cuddled in there beside my two favorite men.

I was lost completely in that moment... Aj and Matthew there with me. I thought for a minute that this must be what Heaven felt like.

Amazing and peaceful... beautiful and happy.

We fell asleep there together like that... together... happy... peaceful...

In Heaven.

-- October 24th 2008, 2:15 pm --

I stared down at was once a very organized stack of baby announcements, now scattered all about the dining room table in front of me. I'd been addressing and labeling envelopes for hours -- 20 finished now and God only knew how many left to go. I'd come to the conclusion that having a famous husband who knew (and really liked) a lot of people wasn't always such a good thing. Had it been up to me I would be sending out announcements to our closest family and friends and leaving it at that... but no... AJ had a list of people a mile and a half long who he'd promised to send announcements to when our bundle of joy arrived. Had I been smart I would have told him when he first gave me the list that he could send them off himself or kiss my oversized butt... but of course, not at all in the mood for a postnatal bitchfest (which I was pretty prone to), I'd just shrugged if off, shut my mouth, and started feverishly addressing envelopes. Now I wasn't so sure my writing wrist would ever be the same again.

I stuffed the announcements into the finished envelopes, slowly but surely, making certain that each contained the newest photos of baby Matt. Thank God for Aj and his ability to take a photograph, we had a billion already and he'd taken it upon himself to at least choose which ones to use.

I sighed as I set my ink pen on the table and glanced down at my tiny baby boy, sweetly tucked into the sling on my chest and nestled snuggly to my breast where he spent most of his time these days feeding and sleeping happily. Just like his daddy -- addicted to my boobs and only content when eating. The only difference was Matthew prefered breastmilk over McDonalds and at least he a good reason to be so attached to my melons. I laughed slightly at the thought and cuddled my son closer to me as he slept. There was no greater feeling in the world than having him right there close to me and knowing he was totally and completely, one hundred percent mine.

It was hard to believe it had been three weeks since he'd arrived in the world. Three weeks of sleepless nights and nervousness mixed with the constant feelings of overwhelming love and joy. I was amazed over and over again at all of the emotions motherhood could make a person feel -- emotions I never knew were even possible to experience until the moment I held my son in my arms. I loved Aj. In fact, I was totally in love with Aj, and giving birth to his son only made the feelings of love I'd always had for him grow tenfold... but this was different. This was a love beyond any love I'd ever known in my entire life and if I'm being honest... sometimes it was completely overwhelming. I'd smiled more, laughed more and cried more in those past three weeks than I had at any other time in my life. My emotions bounced from happy to sad, from wide awake to completely exhausted, from stressed to laid back about nine hundred fifty times a day. Aj had been wonderful through it all though, constantly reassuring me that it was normal, that my wonky hormones were to blame... but there were definite moments I was pretty damned sure I was just losing my mind. It had taken weeks to get back to feeling even halfway human, and I had a feeling that a whole lot human was a long way away.

I sighed as I lifted one of the photos from the table and felt a tear slip down my cheek -- my wonky emotions at work again. It was a photo of Aj laying on the couch with Matthew curled up and sleeping comfortably on his chest. I'd always known my husband would be a wonderful father. I'd known from the moment I'd met him... his gentleness and his uncanny ability to make everything okay at least most of the time... I just knew. What I'd never even beginned to imagine was just how incredible a father he would really be. He doted on our son, held him constantly, changed diapers, gave baths... he was an incredibly involved father and I loved that about him. He'd told me one of our first nights home as we lay in bed together listening to the sounds of our newborn son's soft breathing from his spot between us that he was going to do everything in his power to be a better father than his father ever was to him. He didn't have to tell me that though... I knew he could make several dozen mistakes and still be a better father than his father ever was or ever could have been.

I stood from the table and walked quietly into the livingroom, trying my best not to disturb my sleeping boy. It was a rainy day outside and the unusual chill in the air wouldn't allow for our now nearly regular afternoon walk. Since we'd brought Matthew home, I longed to get out of the house more, to travel like we used to, to go out to eat or shopping, but we stayed home and kept our baby away from the germs and the chaos of life and those walks were one of the few things that I looked forward to now to help get me through the new monotony of my now routine. It was a double-edged sword, this life. I missed my job, my coworkers, my patients and I longed to return to work again, but no matter how much I loved my job, I loved being home with my son even more... even during the most boring moments.

I gently slipped Matthew out of his sling and up onto my shoulder where he promptly burped loudly and released a small stream of spit up down my back and onto my arm. This may have bothered me before I became a mother... may have had me running off and changing my clothes... but not now. Now I wiped it off with a burp cloth, pulled my shirt off and nestled into the rocking chair in just my bra, with my soft and squishy baby. These were the moments I loved the most. Curled up together, his warm body against my bare skin, his baby scent wafting up to my nose, his soft brown hair tickling my chin. Aj was out recording with the Brian and wouldn't be home for several more hours so it was just the two of us now, alone and peaceful there in our own little world. I pulled the blanket up around us and flipped on the stereo, humming the melody of the song as I gently rocked the two of us to sleep.

And in the early morning hours, when my children could not sleep, I'd rock 'em in my arms to a gentle beat...

And sing them a dixie lullaby, Hush baby don't you start to cry. Oh my one day beautiful life... Just like a dixie lullaby.

-- October 31st 2008, 5:30 pm --

"Trick or Treat!"

"Happy Halloween!!!"

I couldn't help but laugh at the look on Brian's face when he arrived to answer the front door moments after we'd knocked. He laid eyes on the sight of our family and a huge grin spread from ear to ear as he flung the door open in greeting and ushered us quickly into the foyer and out of the crisp night air of a California fall.

"Y'all look absolutely adorable," he chuckled as he lifted his camera from the table in the hall and snapped a few quick photos of the three of us dressed in our Halloween costumes -- Aj as Popeye, me as Olive Oyl and Matthew of course as Sweetpea, carefully bundled in his snugride, his tiny sailor's cap askew on top of his wrinkled little head.

"Hey Leigh!" he yelled up the stairway as we followed him into the den and past the hallway full of pumpkins and bowls of Halloween goodies, "Jess and Jay are here!"

He quickly rearranged the pillows on the couch where Baylee had obviously just finished making his very own "Fort Littrell" and motioned for me to sit down. I thanked him as I settled into the soft cushions of the comfy sofa and watched as Aj fiddled with the buckle's on Matt's infant seat -- a feat he'd yet to master considering we'd only used it a total three times. I watched as he continued to work at getting them loose, not wanting to step in and do it myself for fear of embarassing him or putting down his manlihood. I couldn't help but smile when Brian finally walked over, slid in beside him and with a quick "Oh I hated these things, let me help you out bro," unbuckled the now squirming Matthew and cradled him quickly to his chest.

Aj smiled on in appreciation, clearly thrilled to see his best friend interacting with his son. I silently thanked God that Aj had Brian in his life. It had been a hard few weeks for Aj, not having a father of his own to turn to when he had questions to ask or things to talk about... experiences to share... new and wonderful milestones. I had my mom there to share all of my motherly feelings with. All of my fears and my worries and all of the little joys... but Aj was missing that one person who should have been there with him, who should really understand what it's like to be a father and share that with him. And then, like some called upon angel, Brian had showed up one morning a week after Matthew's birth and the two of them had sat down together and talked for hours. I'd listened from the quiet solitude of the nursery as they'd hung out together in the office down the hall and shared with one another all of the stories that needed to be shared. They'd talked about the pure joy of holding their sons in their arms for the first time. They laughed about being peed on during diaper changes. They joked about getting the boys together and going to football games. They talked about being madly and deeply in love with their little sons.

"God I miss this," Brian whispered as he situated himself in the armchair across the room. I couldn't help but grin as I watched him cuddle Matthew to his chest, our little guy putting up a small fight and giving a tiny squawk of displeasure for being disturbed before he quickly curled back into a peaceful slumber, nestling his teeny face into the crook of Brian's neck and sighing deeply.

"He's pretty cool huh Bri?" Aj asked as he leaned over and tugged off the sock that was barely hanging onto our son's foot.

"He's totally cool Aje," Brian whispered back as he leaned down and brushed his nose through Matt's hair.

"Is he heeeeeereeeee dad!?" Baylee screeched as he burst down the hall and skidded into the room in his sock feet, nearly toppling over the houseplant Leighanne had strategically placed in the corner of the room.

"Bay, shh!" Leighanne shushed him as she quickly chased after him into the room, carrying his Halloween costume in her arms and apologizing profusely for their boisterous entrance, "Sorry, sorry... someone (and here she gestured to Brian), let him have WAY too much candy at his Halloween party this afternoon."

Aj and I couldn't help but laugh as Baylee proceeded to dance through the room, avoiding at all costs Leighanne's attempts to wrangle him into his Superman costume.

Aj caught him in his arms as he ran around our side of the couch and scooped him up onto his lap, giving him a big raspberry under the neck and making him laugh hysterically. I poked him in the ribs for getting him even more riled up and rolled my eyes along with Leighanne. Men could be such a pain in the ass when it came to getting the kids in trouble. As the roar of Baylee's laughter continued, Brian began to shake his head, "Dude... I am so not paying for those designer jeans when he lets loose a river of pee right there in your lap."

Baylee's laughter continued but Aj stopped tickling him abruptly, "you don't have to pee do you little man?" He asked, a look of concern spreading across his face.

"Nope!" Baylee bellowed before falling quickly back into a fit of laughter.

"Hey Bay," Aj said when Baylee'd finally started to settle down in his arms, "you wanna meet your new little cousin?" He pointed towards where Brian was holding the baby and Baylee bounced up off his lap and dashed over towards his dad.

"Cool dad!" He whooped as he leaned in close to take a look, "he's so cool!"

Brain placed a finger to his lips as he pointed to where Matthew was now stirring wildly in his arms, clearly disturbed by all of the chaos, (I didn't mind though... if he was going to be a 'Backstreet Baby' he was going to have to get used to the noise), "remember what mommy said about not screaming when the baby gets here?"

"Oops!" He whispered placing a hand quickly over his mouth and stiffling a giggle. "Sorry baby... um... what's his name again?"

"This is Matthew," Brian answered holding him up a little bit so that Baylee could get a closer look.

"And he's Uncle Aj's little boy?" Baylee asked giving Aj a questioning glance, "like I'm your little boy?"

"That's right Bay," Aj and Brian both answered at the same time and then looked at each other laughing as Baylee seemed to ponder the whole idea in his young mind. He didn't seem quite too sure about the whole thing.

I couldn't help but think about how Baylee's life was totally going to be flipped upside down in the coming months. He was going to go from being the one and only Backstreet baby (now child) for 6 straight years to being one of three. By the time the new tour began in the spring, not only would I be joining Aj with Matthew, but Leigh would be joining Howie with baby Dorough as well. It was going to be louder, more hectic, and a whole lot crazier... for all of us. But especially for Baylee. He was used to having all of the attention, used to the fans doting on him and only him. It was going to be totally different now that there'd be three kids on board.

"Can I hold him dad?" Baylee asked as he reached out and gently touched Matt's hand. "I wanna hold him." Brian looked towards Aj and I for approval and we both nodded our heads. We'd already talked about it and decided that Baylee should be treated a little bit like a big brother. He would have to live with Matthew a lot... a whole lot in the coming months and in our opinion we wanted him to get to know Matt as someone he could love and have fun with and grow close to... not as something untouchable.

"Sit up there on the couch by uncle Aj," Brian motioned as Leighanne helped him up onto the couch and Brian and Aj together shuffled Matthew into his arms.

"Don't drop him if you hear the ice cream man okay little dude," Aj giggled as he looked on adoringly at his two favorite children. Aj wasn't big on kids, but it was no small secret that these two totally had his heart.

"You're silly Jay!" Baylee laughed as he leaned down and softly stroked Matthew's cheek, whispering to him, "hi Matt, I'm Baylee and I'm gonna be your big cousin. We can play baseball together and soccer and maybe even wrestling with daddy and Jay, okay." It was adorable, especially when Matthew opened his big brown eyes and looked up at Baylee in what appeared to be admiration and awe. "Your baby's pretty cool aunt Jess," Baylee whispered as he leaned forward and gave him a gentle kiss on the forehead, "you're pretty cool baby."

Aj caught my eye from above Baylee's head and smiled, leaning over quickly to give me a kiss on the lips.

This parenting thing was far more amazing than either of us could have ever imagined.

-- November 9th 2008, 7:25 am --

I glanced over at the clock on the bedside stand, the flashing red numbers letting me know that the power had returned at some point during the middle of the night. I didn't know what time it was and I didn't care. Matthew was sleeping peacefully in his basinet at the foot of our bed, having woken only once during the night for a feeding. How worried I'd been that my son would be the kind of baby who slept all day and cried all night. How relieved I was that he was the kind of baby who napped at regular intervals, entertained us during his waking hours with coos and sighs and baby love and slept like an angel during the night.

A light was peeking in the window beneath the dark mocha curtains, a sure sign that daytime was upon us and I knew that regardless of his angelic nightime sleeping, my boy would soon wake up ravenously hungry for his morning feed. I curled my toes up under the covers, and sighed a relaxing sigh. The room was that peaceful kind of quiet that lets you know that you belong. The only sounds I could hear were the steady patter of raindrops on the windows, and the gentle breathing of my husband from his spot beside me in our bed.

This was by far one of my favorite moments of everyday -- waking up in bed beside the man I loved, laying there in the quiet peacefullness of morning, listening to him breathe, my hand against his chest and our legs intertwined. I always loved waking up in that one spot that feels the most comfortable, that one spot that your body found sometime in the middle of the night, when you were completely relaxed and completely asleep and completely and totally at ease. It's always nice to just wake up and not move -- to lay there in that one spot for as long as you possibly can, so comfortable that you think you may never leave your bed. And then something happens and you have to move and you can never quiet find that perfect spot again.

I stared at Aj, sleeping beside me, lying on his stomach with his hands folded beneath his pillow. I reached over and gently stroked his cheek, watching as he stirred momentarily before drifting back into his dreams. It was amazing how badly I missed him even though he was inches away from me. Our son was 5 weeks old, 5 weeks and we knew the magic number was six weeks... but waiting that long was so hard. I wanted him and he wanted me and we wanted each other. I was nervous and scared by the idea, sure... but the love I had for him and the desire I had to make love to him far outweighed my fears.

I stared at him for a while longer, wanting desperately to crawl beneath the covers and have my way with him. I could hear Matthew beginning to stir in his bassinet and I knew that soon, very soon he would be ready to eat. I sat up in the bed and leaned down towards the end, peering quietly into our baby's nest of blankets. He was still asleep, just restless now, but I wouldn't wake him yet. He always ate better when he was hungrier anyway. When I turned back towards Aj he was stretching in the bed, pulling the blanket up tight around his body and staring up at me with eyes that made me yearn for him even more.

"Mornin' babe," he whispered as he reached for my arm and pulled me in for a kiss.

"Mornin'." I smiled and ran my fingers through his hair as I kissed him harder and longer than I had in a long, long time.

"What was that for?" He asked with a smirk and a grin after I'd finally pulled away... "Not that I minded," he was quick to add.

"I just miss you."

"Sweetheart," he pulled me close as we laid back down together, Matthew beginning to whimper at the end of the bed, "I'm right here... I've always been right here."

I nodded. I knew. It just sucked that he was right there and I couldn't have him. Sucked that he was so close and yet so far away. And yet when I looked into the eyes of my son everyday and every night I knew that every single second was worth it. I would have given up more than just sex if it meant having him in my life.

"It's just..."

And I was going to explain, but at that moment the phone beside the bed began to ring and Matthew let out a shriek that signaled his milk better be served swiftly. I hopped up out of the bed quickly and grabbed the burpcloth from the dresser.

"You get the phone, I'll get the baby," I hollered at Aj as I stumbled my way across the room, careful to avoid the piles of baby laundry and the bouncy seat and the corner of the swing. The amount of laundry and plastic baby crap you accumulate when you have your first child... well, it's ridiculous! I scooped Matthew up out of his bed just as Aj was answering the phone.

"'ello," I heard him say as I settled myself into the bed beside him and tried to coax my now overly hungry baby to latch on.

"Hey D!"

I looked at Aj with my eyebrows raised.

Howie.

A call this early in the morning could only mean one thing and this one thing was something we'd been waiting on for quite some time.

"No man, it's cool," I heard Aj ramble as he shuffled around in the bed to get comfortable, "we were already up."

And this was true. Even if we hadn't technically been "up" we were awake. And even if we hadn't been awake... well it would have happened soon enough.

"That's awesome man! Congratulations!" And here I gave Aj my most annoyed 'what the hell' kinda glance because I wanted to hear the conversation too... I wanted to know! And he seemed to get that because the next second I heard him say, "Hold on a sec man, let me put you on speaker so Jess can hear too."

"Hey Jess!" I heard Howie's voice, loud and proud, on the other end of the line.

"Hey Howie! What's the news!?" I found myself guinuinely excited for him.

"It's a girl! 8 pounds, 1 ounce, 20 inches long. She was born this morning at 4:30!" The enthusiasm was evident in his voice. Howie had waited forever to be a daddy and now he was finally getting his chance. And it was only so fitting that he was the first Backstreet Boy to have a Backstreet baby girl. Howie just seemed the type of guy who needed a "daddy's girl" in his life.

"Aw, that's terrific Howie! What's the name!?" We'd all been waiting with baited breath to find out baby Dorough's name. Nick was absolutely convinced that Howie was going to win and she was going to be named Kahlani. I was voting for Carmen and Aj liked Leigh's idea of Isabella.

"Luciana Marie Dorough," I sighed a relieved breath, thankful she wasn't being named after some hot fan date Howie'd had years before and grinned. It was a lovely name.

"And she's absolutely beautiful. She looks just like Leigh... but I think she has my nose!" It was awesome to hear him rambling quickly and excitedly about his new daughter. I could only imagine that Aj had sounded the same when he'd called his 'brother's' to tell them all about Matthew's birth. It made me smile to think of that day.

"That's a beautiful name man, I bet she's adorable," Aj whispered as he wiped a small tear from his cheek. He'd become so sensitive since our son was born. He'd been looking forward to sharing these moments of birth and babyhood with Howie for a long time now.

After a few more minutes a chatter Howie hung up to go be with Luciana and Leigh, reassuring Aj that they'd still be back in California in time for Thanksgiving and that we were all getting together for our yearly Backstreet Thanksgiving party. It would be the very first time that we'd have all of the Backstreet babies together. The first boy, Baylee and the first girl, Luciana and our sweet little Matthew who was just lucky enough to be the peanut butter on the sandwhich.

I looked down at my now content baby, smiling in my arms and then to my beautiful husband, smiling beside me. I couldn't have asked for a more wonderful life. I may have wanted some intimate time with my husband... but I knew that some things were worth giving up, at least for a little while, when it meant having something so much greater in return.

-- November 20th 2008, 3:00 pm --

1.... 2.... 3....

I watched silently as the numbers in front of me lit up, one by one, our floor growing nearer with each passing moment. The butterflies in my stomach fluttering stronger than ever, my palms sweaty, my nerves frazzled. I felt Aj's strong had slide into mine as the number 5 lit up, and then 6...

I couldn't help but stare at my beautiful husband, standing there in the elevator beside me. His button down dress shirt and tie still smelled of laundry detergent. His khakis were neatly pressed and his tattoos were well hidden beneath his clothing. He looked so different to me then... so grown up. It was strange seeing him that way. Strange because for so long I refused to think of Aj or myself as 'grown ups'. We'd always been so young at heart, so carefree, so fun. We were that couple that everyone wanted to be like. The couple known as the 'life of the party'. The couple everyone wanted to hang out with. And yet... here we were now, all grown up with a child of our own. A responsibility so bewildering to me that I still sometimes had to stop and ask myself what God was thinking trusting two crazy kids like us with a little bitty baby like Matthew.

But he had. He most certainly had.

And so, here we were. All grown up... and hopefully doing a good job at the whole parenting thing. I watched as the elevator quickly approached the 7th floor, dinging quietly as it jutted to a halt. The doors opened into a long narrow hallway where a doorway at the end was decorated beautifully with banners and ribbons and signs that celebrated the journeys of so many children I'd come to know and love over the past few years. I'd been here a hundred times before... probably a hundred more than that... and yet this time felt so different.

This time meant so much more.

It was strange knowing that for the first time in all of my years working at the hospital, I'd be attending the annual 'Friends and Survivor's Party" as an outsider.

I smiled awkwardly at Aj, who was standing beside me now, staring as if perhaps I'd grown a second head. Probably wondering why I was just hanging out there in the middle of the hallway refusing to move. I shook my head slowly, trying to gather my feelings, "I don't think I can do this Aje..." I whispered as I stared towards the doorway... "I'm not sure I can go through with this."

He gave my hand a comforting squeeze and smiled slightly. "You can," he whispered back, "you can and you will. For Sheila... for Matthew."

I stared down at my son, sleeping peacefully on my chest curled up in his baby carrier, paci hanging from his lips, fists clenched tightly as if he were ready to battle the first person who dared try and take it away. My beautiful Matthew. My angel. All at once the emotions came rushing in.

I felt so much love for my beautiful boy... and at the very same time I felt a powerful feeling of sorrow... and of fear. These were the kinds of overwhelming emotions that kept me awake nights, lying in my bed, trying to convince myself that it was normal to worry so much. I'd once heard it said that having a baby is like having a piece of your heart walking around outside your body. I saw it now, so true and so unbelievably fitting. Matthew was seven weeks old... seven whole weeks. And those seven weeks felt like they'd gone by way too fast... and they felt like an eternity all at the same time. I couldn't imagine my life without my son, nor could I remember the day when he wasn't a part of my life. He was so much a part of me now that my world revolved around him. He wasn't just a part of our lives... he had become our entire lives in just seven short weeks. I could only imagine what fourteen years would feel like.

And when I thought about the pain and suffering and sadness that all of individuals -- the parents and the children on the other side of that doorway -- had been through... It made my heart fill with pride, and hurt and anger. So many emotions for a heart to feel at one time. And I silently wondered if one day, at the beginning of their child's life, they'd snuggled that tiny baby against their chest and worried about all of the same things that I worried about. Things that I worried about because I knew... knew from seeing and from being there every step of the way... what things there were in life that were really worth worrying over.

I felt Aj behind me, gently prodding me along with his hands. It wasn't the first time Aj had offered to attend one of the events at the hospital... but it was the first time I'd taken him up on the offer. Not because I didn't want him there, or because I didn't think I needed him there, but because I'd always made it such a point to keep these two parts of my life -- my marriage and my work -- as separate as possible. But now that I wasn't working there anymore, now that I was coming in just to visit... just to share... it didn't seem to matter so much anymore. Inviting Aj on this day just seemed the most natural thing to do.

We were moving towards the door now and for some reason, some unknown reason, a calm took over my body. I felt Aj's hands there on my back, and Matthew on my chest, and somehow I just knew that everything would be okay.

~~~~~~~

We'd been at the party for nearly an hour, the calm I'd felt before walking in the room with Aj staying with me the entire time. It felt good being there again, amongst the things that had become so familiar to me after all those years -- those IV's and medications. The bald little heads and the tears glistening in the eyes of the parents, just beyond the sight of their children... their children who acted as if not a thing in the world was wrong. I quickly fell back into the routine of hushed conversation between a nurse and a parent whose child played off in the distance. I fondly remembered the celebrations thrown each and every single time a battle was won, be it a small battle or a grand one in the scheme of things... nothing was ever treated as trivial when it came to wars these children fought.

And Aj. My amazing husband.

I watched as he quietly made his way through the room, introducing himself to my co-workers -- nurses and doctors alike -- some of whom had been fans and some of whom still were. I smiled as he shook hands with excited teenagers and gave hugs to the little ones who quickly figured out from the excitement of their older friends that he must be someone pretty special. I smiled as he stopped and played a game of cards with a 10-year-old leukemia patient, shaking my head in agreement when he let the young boy win and offered him a quick high five at the end of the game. I laughed when he stopped a moment to take a goofy picture with some of the older patients who were clearly thrilled to be meeting a Backstreet Boy. I couldn't have been more proud of his response to this tough situation. I knew he'd visited kids in hospitals before, but I'd never seen it firsthand. He made me so amazingly proud.

I didn't see Matthew's mom when she first arrived. I was seated in the corner of the room nursing my own little one when I noticed her standing at the punch table with another mother. I couldn't help but stare in awe at the woman standing there. She looked beautiful. She was wearing a lovely dress and her makeup looked perfect. She was smiling and she was laughing. I cuddled Matthew closer in my arms and wondered how anyone could be doing so well so shortly after losing their child. But then she turned again and our eyes locked and I saw for the first time the tears that were glistening there and I knew that no matter how beautiful and perfect and amazing she looked on the outside, inside there was still a woman hurting. A woman suffering a loss so big I could never even begin to understand it's magnitude.

I watched as she glided across the room towards where I sat, for a moment my mind played back to all of the conversations we'd had over the years I'd cared for Matthew. This woman, a veteran traveler, had once spent her weeks flying around the world with her husband, visiting foreign lands and learning about amazing cultures. She'd shared so many stories of her travels with me in those dark hours when Matthew had received treatment. But then her husband had been diagnosed with cancer and he'd died... and then Matthew... and now, now it was just her and her daughter and I wondered if she would ever be able to gain back even a minute bit of the freedom she'd once experienced.

I stood as she reached the table, cradling Matthew on my right side as I reached over and hugged her tightly.

"Is this your little one?" she asked smiling as I pulled back the blankets so that she could take a closer peek, "oh he's just beautiful."

I felt Aj behind me then and I took a deep breath. I'd been waiting for months for this moment. For Aj to meet Matthew's mother... for Matthew's mother to meet our Matthew. "Sheila," I whispered taking her hand in mine, "I'd like you to meet my husband Aj."

I watched as she reached over and shook Aj's hand firmly. "Aj," I whispered, "This is Sheila."

I watched as Aj's eyes grew wider. I'd only told him about Matthew a week before. Up until then he'd believed that the name for our son had just come to me on a whim. I'd showed him the video though, as I'd edited it... and I'd told him. He'd cried with me... he'd told me he'd be proud to have his son named after such an amazing young man.

Aj leaned over to hug Sheila then, "It's a pleasure to meet you ma'am."

Aj took Matthew from my arms and held him close, kissing him gently on the forehead and stroking his soft hair against his cheek. I watched as Sheila smiled on from beside me. "Aj reminds me of my husband," she said. "Jimmy was always so great with Matthew and Molly." I smiled. "What's his name?" She asked. It took me by surprise... almost as if I weren't expecting the question.

Aj looked at me and I looked at him. I shook my head and Aj held our son out towards her arms. I watched on as Sheila reached for him and then held him close. "Sheila," I whispered as I watched her take a seat at the table, "We'd like you to meet Matthew McLean."

I looked down at her and she stared up at me, the tears welling up in both our eyes.

"You mean... he's... after... after my Matthew?"

I smiled and nodded... "after your Matthew."

She reached out for me and the two of us embraced.

"Thank you," she whispered as we pulled apart and she stared into the crystal blue eyes of my beautiful son. "You really don't know how much this means to me... thank you."

Thanksgiving Day - November 27th 2008; 1:30 pm --

"Turkey's in the oven!" I hollered as I shut the oven door and clicked the timer on. I tossed the dishtowel on the sink and surveyed the mess surrounding me... cooking Thanksgiving dinner in the McLean household had certainly dissolved from my idea of a fun experience... into mayhem. I pulled the trashcan out from under the counter and began gathering and clearing the empty cans from green beans and corn and the bits and pieces of bread from my stuffing, off the island.

"God it smells delicious in here!" I looked up to see Aj struting into the kitchen, freshly showered and shaved, his hair (what little he had left) still shining with gel. He was wearing a pair of khakis, no shirt. I smiled as he sat down at the table where Matthew was cozied in his bouncy seat kicking contentedly where he'd been chilling out for the past thirty minutes or so. Aj smiled at him and laughed when he coo'd back. It was rare for our son to spend any amount of time anywhere but in one of our arms because most days he'd throw a fit the second we even thought about putting him down.

I couldn't help but laugh when I caught sight of Aj's face as he bent down and blew raspberries on Matthew's tummy.

"Blargh!" he winced coming up gasping for air, "the turkey smells good... our son on the other hand, not so much." I laughed out loud as he fanned at Matt's rearend with the morning news and tried his best not to gag on the unpleasant smells now emitting from the bouncy seat in front of him.

"Give me just a sec," I said surveying the mess still scattered across the table and popping a couple of mini marshmallows from the yams into my mouth, "I'll finish cleaning this up and I'll change him before my shower." Aj shook his head, standing quickly and lifting Matthew easily up onto his shoulder, "I got this babe, you just um... undo the damage you inflicted on our kitchen."

I smiled as I watched the two of them leave the room, happy to know that I had the kind of marriage, at least now, where the man I loved was willing to share in the responsibility of raising our child. Aj had never argued about changing diapers or cleaning up barf or doing any of the less than plesant things that came along with the wonderfulness of parenthood. It made it so much easier for me when he left for work during the days to know that he would come home and be a totally hands on father. Why I had ever worried was beyond me now. I glanced at our newest family portrait on the refrigerator and fought back the tears that threatened to spill from my eyes. I had the most incredible family in the world... and for that... on this day, and every other day, I was most thankful.

Sighing, I finished clearing off the remnants of my first ever Thanksgiving cooking experience as I breathed in the scent of the clorox spray I used to clean the counters, making them once again look shiny and new. One would never be able to tell I'd cooked in that kitchen now. I gave the turkey a final glance and turned the brocolli casserole on in the crock pot feeling very proud of a job well done. I flipped off the light in the kitchen, excited to know that in a few hours time our typically quiet house would be full of my family... and his.

I headed up the stairs for shower more than ready to soak away the smells of grease and turkey guts that came along with the day but stopped short in the doorway of the nursery when I saw that Aj was still struggling with Matthew's diaper. I stepped into the room to see if I could help and that's when my nostrils were assaulted by the unheavenly stench of toxic baby poo.

I gasped as I took in the sight in front of me. There on the changing table was my naked baby in all his glory, and standing there at the end of the table holding a solitary baby wipe with a shocked look on his face was Aj whose chest, arms and legs covered with sticky baby slime. Slime that I can only imagine unsuspectingly shot itself out of our son's rearend as Aj was attempting to do diaper duty.

"Holy crap!" I said, trying my best not to laugh, knowing that in Aj's mind there was absolutely nothing funny about this "crappy" situation, "that's a blowout if I've ever seen one!" And I'd seen plenty in my days as a stay-at-home mom to a big time pooper... but maybe none quite so dramatic as this.

"Blowout?" Aj rolled his eyes and lifted our diaperless son from the changing table, holding him out about five foot in front of him like a ticking time bomb, "more like ass-plosion! Jessica what the hell are you feeding this child?"

I snickered behind my hand, eyeing my husband as he walked past me and into the hall still dangling Matthew at a safe distance. "Where are you going with him?"

"Well," he said pausing before he turned thrusting the baby towards my arms, "this is the kind of mess that requires a shower... or ten, and since you're headed that direction already..."

I shook my head and waved him off, "heck no! You clearly need a shower now too!" He rolled his eyes at me but I just shook my head and turned to survey the mess still on the changing table... and the wall... and the carpet. "And besides," I sighed defeatedly knowing someone had to do the dirty work, "I'll join you both just as soon as I'm done bleaching this entire nursery!"

Aj laughed and disappeared into the bathroom. I walked over to the changing table and assessed the damage. I would rather clean up after a thousand Thanksgiving dinner preparations than tackle the mess before me.

I was not the slightest bit thankful for poop! I cleaned it up hurridly, stripping the pad on the changing table and tossing it into the trash and then scrubbing down the wall and the carpet. It was actually less of a mess than I had expected, and I couldn't help but chuckle at the idea that Aj had caught most of the crap on the way down. I turned on the ceiling fan to dry out the carpet and headed to the bathroom myself, stripping off my clothes outside the bathroom door and throwing them into the hamper I listened to the sound of Aj singing behind the closed door;

You're gonna miss this, you're gonna want this back, you're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast. These are some good times, so take a good look around, You may not know it now... But you're gonna miss this.

I gently slid the door open and slipped into the steamy bathroom. I smiled as I took in the picture of Aj in the shower, Matthew pressed snugly against his chest as the water rushed over the both of them. I climbed in with them and leaned up to kiss Aj as he handed me our peacefully sleeping, slippery baby boy. I held him against my chest as Aj sat down, pulling me into the bottom of the tub with him. I leaned back against his chest and situated Matthew in my arms. I loved the closeness, the togetherness that these little moments always brought. It didn't matter anymore to either of us that our son had just made the biggest mest a tiny human being could possibly create, it just mattered that we were a family.

"I am gonna miss this," I whispered as I felt Aj kiss the top of my head and run his hands along my arms.

"You're gonna miss what Jess," he asked leaning down and kissing my neck. Was he trying to seduce me? It was totally working... but of course totally wouldn't work what with the presence of a child in the room.

"I just know this won't last forever," I sighed, staring down to where Matthew had maneuvered his way to my breast and was now nursing contentedly. "I know he's going to grow up fast... and these moments will be gone."

Aj smiled and nodded as he ran his fingers through my hair. "But we can enjoy them now..."

He was right. I felt my body totally relaxing against his as the warmth of the water flowed over us. I was enjoying it... more than ever.

-- December 7th, 1:15 pm --

"WAAAAAHHHH!"

I could hear the sound of my son's screams echoing down from the open nursery window as I grabbed the groceries from the trunk of the car and quickly slammed it shut...

"WAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

And judging by the volume, the pitch and well, the sheer degree of intensity at which the screeching was reverberating within my eardrums, I could tell that Aj was not having any better luck with our little man that afternoon than I'd had with him the night before. The entire night before. It was one of those nights they tend to leave out of the "what to expect" books because no woman in her right mind would have a child if she knew life with the child was going to be like that. Luckily it was also one of the very few nights of Matthew's life that had been like that.

The ear piercing screams had started at about 11:00 pm, right when I had been tucking into bed with a good movie alone (something I rarely enjoyed anymore), since Aj was away doing some promotion work with Nick. And from there I'd tried cuddling, I'd tried cooing, I'd tried walking and pacing and dancing and swaying. I'd gone for a walk around the block at midnight and a car ride and 1 am. I'd tried singing at least four dozen different songs and I'd rotated him from the swing to the bouncy chair to the sling on my chest. I tried breast feeding and bottle feeding and more rocking and swaying and then somewhere around 2 am I'd seriously thought about losing my mind. From there I'd sang more songs and danced more and cuddled more and finally, sometime around 5 am he fell asleep in his crib and I... I laid down in the middle of the nursery floor and cried silent tears of exhaustion and relief before finally falling asleep myself curled up in the rocking chair.

WAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

And now it seemed, we were doomed to repeat the process once again.

I hiked the bag of groceries up onto my hip and as quietly as possible unlocked the door of the house, careful to avoid the shatter of glass I kept expecting to occur at any moment if the dear boy I'd given birth to and loved with all my heart didn't quit his incessent screaming already. Please God.

I tossed my jacket onto the back of the couch and set the groceries on the coffee table before standing at the bottom of the stairs for a few moments pondering if I really even wanted to attempt to deal with what was going on up there in the depths (or in this case the heights) of hell. But then I could hear Aj's voice, soft and calm, but clearly nervous and tired, trying his best to sooth Matthew, "shh, shh little man... it's okay really... shh. Little dude you're going to cry yourself sick, just calm down..." and my heart sank as I felt bad for ever having abandoned them to go to the grocery store in the first place.

The screaming continued as I walked up the stairs and to the nursery door where I carefully peeked inside. Aj was pacing back and forth across the floor, our son cradled against his chest , bouncing and rocking as he walked, trying his best to do anything that might help. But just like the night before, nothing at all seemed to be working.

"You guys okay?" I asked as I opened the door and took in the sight of the destructed nursery. There were books lying all over the floor and the contents of the medical basket were scattered across the changing table. There were stuffed animals and blankets strewn about, and the bouncy chair and swing had somehow magically transmitted themselves from downstairs in the living room to the corner where they'd clearly been tried and since abandoned.

"Does it look like we're okay?" Aj hissed in a way that made me step back a little shocked, "he's been screaming for hours Jessica. Hours. I have no idea what's wrong with him..." he sighed defeated. "I tried to feed him, rock him, burp him, swaddle him. I took his temperature, gave him the gas drops, put him in the swing and the bouncy seat and everywhere else on God's green earth and he still will NOT stop screaming. It's like he hates me... you take him." And with that he handed me our son with a frustrated shrug before turning to walk out of the room.

If I'd been shocked before it was nothing compared to what I felt like then. Aj was frustrated, I knew this... but I was frustrated too. Hell this was frustrating for both of us. No one ever said parenting would be EASY! I took a deep breath and walked over to the radio on the bedside table and turned it on, flipping the button on the lullabye cd in hopes that maybe, just maybe this time Matthew would give us some peace. I swaddled him snuggly as I could into his blanket, kissed him gently on the forehead and finally laid him, still screaming, into his crib. I could feel my heart breaking into a million pieces as I turned away from the crib and his cries... but I knew I had to do it. I took one last deep breath as I flipped off the light and walked out of the room, closing the door firmly behind me, convincing myself that perhaps all my baby needed was to be left alone.

"Aje..." I sighed as I walked back down the stairs and into the living room where he was sitting on the couch with his head in his hands, "he does not hate you... he just doesn't know what he wants right now. And unfortunately neither do we, but we can't get frustrated everytime he does or we're soooo going to be screwed by the time he's two."

"I know." He shook his head and laughed a little as I sat down on the couch beside him where I leaned back to stare up at the ceiling. He turned to me and grabbed my hand in his. I could see the tears glistening in his eyes, "it's just... I want to be able to comfort my own son. It just sucks to feel so friggin' helpless."

I leaned my head against his shoulder and smiled when he kissed the part of my hair and rested his cheek on my forehead, "if it makes you feel any better though... he did that to me all night last night while you were gone."

He looked at me shocked and shook his head, taking me in his arms, "why didn't you call me? I would have come home."

"I guess I just felt like I should be able to get through it alone... like I should be able to at least figure out what my own baby needs. I know the feeling too Aj, trust me... I know. But sometimes babies get pissed off at the world and apparently there's absolutely nothing you can do to make them, or even help them get over it. Trust me... I read all the baby books at three am last night... and there were no hints in there at all."

He laughed and kissed my head once more. Both of us looked over at the baby monitor for the first time since we'd sat down. Except for the sound of the lullabyes and the steady breathing noise of our now slightly congested baby... all was quiet.

"Looks like we figured it out after all," I whispered kissing him on the cheek as I stood and grabbed the bag of groceries off the table.

"Oh Lord," Aj groaned glancing at the bag and then staring down at his watch. I completely forgot about the guys coming over tonight. They'll be here in a few hours and we haven't even started getting dinner ready!

"No worries," I said as I pulled him off the couch and we sauntered toward the kitchen together, "you'd be surprised what you can do at 4:00 in the morning with a baby strapped to your chest."

-- December 7th, 5:00 pm --

DING DONG...

DIIIIING DONG

The only thing I saw through my blurry eyes from my cozy spot on the couch was the vision of my husband flying across the room and flinging the front door open.

"SHHH!" he hissed at who I'm sure was a now a way more petrified guest than when he'd first decided to knock on our door. "Sorry dude," I heard him say as he pulled Nick into the house and shut the door quietly behind him, "Matthew's asleep upstairs and you would not believe the tricks we had to peform to get him there."

I rolled my eyes. The tricks we had to perform eh? We'd just see whose ass would be getting up with him in the middle of the night tonight! I sat up on the couch and stretched my arms over my head, definitely not feeling like I'd gotten enough of a nap in. I probably could've just called it a day and gone to bed... but not on Backstreet Thanksgiving night.

Nick laughed at my pitiful attempt to pull myself up off the couch and walked over to give me a hand. "Sorry guys," he whispered quietly, "I tend to forget about that whole, 'don't ring the doorbell when there's a baby in the house' rule."

I hugged Nick tightly and laughed, "It's okay... if he wakes up we'll just send you up there to put him back to sleep since you seem to be the baby guru anyway." He smiled as we ended our hug and he sank back into the couch, "I am pretty good at that."

Aj laughed and ruffled his younger brother's hair as he plopped down on the couch I'd just deserted and both of them kicked their feet up on the coffee table like teenagers.

"So how are you doing?," I heard Aj ask as I set off for the kitchen to get some drinks, "I mean... how you feeling?" I poured the Cokes quickly anxious to hear Nick's answer.

It was no big secret to all the guys that Nick's health had become a very real issue (a really scary issue) over the past few months and though each of the guys in turn was busy with his own life during their down time -- Aj and Howie with pregnant wives and now new babies and Brian with his solo career and family -- they were still the kind of family who looked after each other during every season. And so it was also no big secret that they had been incredibly worried about their baby brother.

"It's going pretty well man," he replied, "My doctor put me on this new diet and set me up with a really great personal trainer... so I feel good... really good."

"That's awesome man."

"I just hope I'm up and ready to go by the time we're supposed to start up on tour again." He stared down at his hands as he said it, as if he himself were still very unsure of whether or not he really would be.

"I'm sure you will be chaos... you've always managed to bounce back. But honestly dude, if you need anything at all, just let me know. We're totally here for you." I watched from my spot at the kitchen door where I was now standing holding the two cokes I'd poured as AJ placed his hand gently on Nick's shoulder and Nick nodded his head in acknowledgement.

And that was that. Knowing the two of them, nothing more would be said about the matter unless Nick ever really did need help. They were by far two of the most private individuals I'd ever met in my life and they generally went through their struggles both external and internal by themselves. I stepped into the room just as Aj was grabbing the WII controllers off the tv, and set the drinks on the coffee table in front of the guys.

"Wanna play?" Nick asked as he stood and took the second controller from AJ, waiting as he flipped on the games. "We can have a huge Mariocart competition... or just play tennis if you're not very good at that." He winked and I rolled my eyes as I sunk into a seat on the couch.

"No thanks," I mumbled as I leaned back and closed my eyes, "I'll just sit here and watch."

It was about thirty minutes and 50 matches of some sort of sporty game - I'm not sure which because my eyes remained glued shut the entire time... I could only feel the air whizzing by my face as Nick and Aj ran around the living room (they were being as quiet as possible because Matthew was still sleeping) - before the doorbell rang.

"I bet that's D!" Aj shouted as he launched himself from his midair Wii move into clean-up mode, returning the controllers into their spots by the tv and rearranging the coffee table back into the center of the room as I shuffled to the front door.

"Hey!" I smiled as the door opened to reveal Howie, Leigh and an infant seat standing on the front porch in the newly falling rain, "get in here quick before you all get soaked!" I stood back as they ducked in around me and walked over to set the carseat and the diaper bag down on the coffee table. Aj and Nick hurried over quickly to help with the wet jackets and the huge casserole Leigh was holding, and of course, to give hugs.

"Man D," Aj laughed as he poked Howie in the stomach after hugging him tightly and turned to hug Leigh, "your wife sure has done a better job of losing all that baby weight than YOU have, damn you look gorgeous Leigh!"

The ever thin Howie laughed and rolled his eyes at AJ, turning to give Nick a quick hug.

"Let's see that baby," Nick practically jumped up and down as Howie lifted the blanket off the carseat and lowered the hood.

And there beneath all of the covers was the tiniest, most gorgeous little baby girl I'd ever seen. Leigh and Howie laughed at the audible "awws" that each of us let out in turn, but no really... this kid was beautiful. She was the perfect mixture of her daddy and mommy, with Howies nose and Leigh's olive complexion. She had long dark eyelashes and jet black hair that jutted out of her baby hat and curled into a perfect ringlet on her little forehead. She let out a tiny squawk of displeasure as Howie unbuckled her carseat straps and Leigh lifted her onto her chest where she curled up and fell peacefully back to sleep.

My uterus did a tiny flip flop. Even after the rough night I'd had with Matthew, it was amazing to see this tiny, nearly brand new little person. It made me want to have another. It made me want my own little girl that I could dress all in pink and put ribbons in her hair.

"Don't get any ideas," Aj whispered in my ear as if he could read my thoughts.

"Where's the little man?" Howie asked looking around the room and as if summoned by the gods the sounds of my baby's screams filled the air through the baby monitor and everyone laughed.

"I'll be back in a few," I said giving Luciana a gentle kiss on the head as I walked towards the stairs. I emerged about 10 minutes later carrying a wide awake baby Matthew, complete with fresh diaper and thank God, a brand new happy attitude, to find Leigh abandoned on the living room sofa nursing a clearly very hungry baby.

"Where'd all the guys go?" I asked looking around as if one of them was going to pop out of nowhere at any moment.

"Oh, they're in the kitchen supposedly getting the food ready," she whispered, "but if you ask me... really they were just running away from this," and she pointed down towards where Luciana was eating contentedly.

I laughed, "it's funny how those are like the best things in the world to grown men until they're forced to see first hand what they're really meant to do... and then... then pull one out and they run out of the room faster than you can blink."

It was her turn to laugh as I sat down beside her and jostled Matthew up and down on my lap. She looked down at her daughter and then over at my son, "first of all, oh my god he has grown! He's adorable!," she said as she reached out and stroked his soft fuzzy head, "he looks just like Aj!" I nodded, because yes, he totally did. Our son was now the spitting image of his father. Every little thing about him, from his big beautiful eyes, to the shape of his head and even his nose... in the past month or so any dream I'd had that he might look anything like me had been tossed out the window. "And secondly... oh my hell, do they REALLY grow up that fast?"

I couldn't help but laugh again, even though inside I knew exactly how she felt. I looked down at baby Luci who was so tiny that she fit just perfectly in Leigh's arms and I then to my son who was sitting up in my lap, overflowing the space that he once fit so neatly inside and I could hardly remember him ever being so little... even though I knew that it hadn't been that long ago that he was. "They really do," I whispered... "but it's the growing part that's the most fun."

And it was. Matthew was no longer that little lump who laid around and did nothing. Now he smiled and laughed and coo'd and giggled. He laid in his cribs in the early mornings and talked to the mobile that hung from the ceiling. He was this amazing growing little dude and even though I missed that squishy little blob of tiny babyness... I didn't miss it enough to not dream about all the things he had yet to learn to do.

She sighed and smiled as the guys walked back into the room, Aj and Howie carrying trays of sandwhices and veggies, Nick with his hands plastered firmly over his eyes, "Are you done yet?"

"Yes she is," I said, standing up and handing Matthew to AJ, "and for the love of pete would the three of you stop acting like you have never seen a breast before!"

"Who says I have?" Nick gasped as he removed his hands from his face... "Not either of yours anyway!"

"And you'd better damn well keep it that way!" Aj and Howie said in unison and we all laughed.

"Anyone talked to Rok in the past few days?" Howie asked after we'd all settled in with our sandwhiches, Luci sleeping peacefully in Matthew's baby swing, Matthew cooing happily on his playmat on the floor.

"I talked to Jackie yesterday," Nick replied setting his sandwhich down on his plate, "she and Brian's dad are staying in Georgia to help out with things. She said that if all went well Baylee was supposed to be released today or tomorrow."

The sigh of relief that filled the room was evident. For the last two weeks our minds had been filled with thoughts and worries about little Baylee and the mystery illness that had landed him in the hospital. As a nurse my heart went out to Brian and Leighanne, knowing that what they were going through... the not knowing, must have been killing them. But thankfully they'd finally been able to diagnosis him with a relatively common, though still very scary disease that was treatable and now we were just holding our breaths waiting to hear that he'd be able to fully recover and go home.

"Why don't I call him right now?" Aj asked pulling out his phone and beginning to dial. "I mean the worst that could happen would be they're still in the hospital and he can't answer... I'm sure talking to us would be a welcome reprieve from having to listen to nurses and doctors..."

"or Leighanne," Nick muttered quietly to Howie, who chuckled softly as we waited with baited breath for Brian to answer.

"Hey Bri man, It's Jay -- how are you guys?" Aj asked, sticking his finger in his right ear as he listened to the phone with his left and we all continued holding our breaths.

"That's awesome man..." he smiled as he lifted the phone from his mouth and whispered "They're home now." We were finally able to let out our breaths. And these were the breaths we'd been holding far longer than the course of the 60 seconds Aj had been on the phone.

"Okay, I'll let them know," he continued, nodding as he wiped a small tear from his cheek. It's amazing how being a parent can make you feel. How you can hurt when other parents hurt and at the same time feel such tremendous relief when everything turns out okay. "We love you guys... give hugs and kisses to little B. for us, alright? Later man!"

He put the phone down and turned to where we were all watching him. He wiped away a few more tears as I reached out and grabbed his hand. "He's going to be okay," he finally spoke, practically choking on the words, "he has to keep calm and rest for a few weeks, but he's gonna be okay."

"Thank God," Howie whispered.

"Definitely," Nick said... "Thank God."

The rest of the evening passed by in a blur as I found all evenings did these days. We ate and drank and enjoyed each others company until sometime around 10:00 when Leigh and I retired to the guestroom to feed the babies while the three guys played yet another round of Wii golf.

We sat on the bed beside each other, my son and her daughter laying there between us, the differences between the two of them were striking. Luci was tiny and laid there sound asleep with her tiny fists clenched and her body pulled together in the fetal position while Matthew laid sprawled out, his big round brown eyes constantly darting around the room, sucking wildly on his pacifier.

We talked about Christmas, about the album the boys were set to start recording soon. We discussed the fact that in just 3 months we'd be taking off on a tour across the world and how crazy we were sure it was going to be with three children. We talked about how relieved we were that Baylee was okay and how terrifying the how ordeal must have been for Brian and Leighanne. We talked about Matt and Luci and how much our lives had changed since they'd been born... in wonderful and spectacular ways we couldn't even begin to put into words.

And then finally, at some point, we both fell asleep with our babies on our chests, the hushed sounds of our husbands laughter filling the room through the closed door.

Truly blessed. Truly lucky. Truly thankful.

-- December 12th, 9:00 am --

I darted into the cafe quickly to escape the bitter cold of the drizzly winter morning. It felt odd to be empty-handed... lost without the weight of the diaper bag on my shoulder and the bulk of the stroller and carseat that nearly always accompanied me these days, but at the same time, I felt as settled and comfortable as I always felt on Friday mornings when the smell of coffee hit my nose and the smiling face of Sheila, Matthew's mother and my newest friend and fellow mother, came into view.

"Hey," I whispered, sliding into the booth across from her and pulling off my wet jacket as she passed me a cup of coffee.

"One sugar, no cream," she winked as the smile spread across my face and I began to drink, inhaling the sweet aroma as the coffee warmed my entire body. It was truly heaven in a mug... and Sheila had obviously caught on quickly that my order stayed the same week after week, no matter the weather.

"Just the way I like it," I sighed as I set the cup down in front of me and stifled a small yawn, "Sorry I'm late again this morning, I may have overslept just a smidge."

She laughed, "He's still not sleeping throught the night huh?"

I shook my head, not only was Matthew not sleeping through the night, Aj and I had suddenly discovered a new found love of each other's bodies. But that was not something I'd ever admit... not to Sheila or anyone else.

"The little poot has decided to go on total sleep strike!" I rolled my eyes and we both laughed.

I shook my head and stared across the table to where Sheila glanced down at the menu. I couldn't help but be amazed by the woman I'd come to know so well over the past few weeks. Her hair was pulled back in a tight ponytail, she was wearing a pretty Christmas sweater and her makeup looked far more perfect than mine had probably looked in months. She simply amazed me.

It seemed so strange to be in a cafe with a woman who only weeks before had lost a child, talking about such mundane things as my son not sleeping as often as I'd like, when I knew in my heart that I was talking to a woman who would probably give up every good night of sleep for the rest of her life, if it meant having the chance to spend those nights with her son. But it was what it was... and these were the things we talked about every week without fail. And somewhere along the line I decided that it must be okay. I remembered learning in nursing school many years before during a class on death and grief (as if any class could really teach you exactly how to deal with something so powerful and so painful) that you should let the grieving individual lead the way... and that's exactly what Sheila had done.

For the past several weeks we'd been getting together in the same coffee house on Friday mornings and sitting in the same booth and drinking the same coffee. And every week we talked about all of the same things and everything different all at once. Most of our Fridays would start with Sheila asking about baby Matthew and how he was growing and how he was sleeping and together we would marvel over his new developments or laugh over Aj's funny mishaps and she would share her best pieces of motherly advice with me. And I alternately loved those moments... and felt horrible about them. Because often as Sheila would share her own memories of her own Matthew as a baby, the tears would well up in her eyes, or trickle down her cheeks, and all I could think about was how damn unfair this world could be and how I hoped to God I would never be the one sitting in that position across the table because there is no way I could ever be so strong.

But the moments would pass and the tears would dry and our discussions would turn to other things... happier things. Like sweet Molly. Now six years old, Sheila bragged on how well she was doing in school and how, even though it had been difficult for her without Matthew around, she was such a strong little girl. We would laugh over her silly stories, like how she'd suddenly developed a strong desire to dress up in her brother's hand-me-downs. Forget the dresses and frilly girly clothes... she'd gone totally tomboy. But Sheila didn't care so long as she was healthy and happy.

We talked for hours one Friday morning about how Sheila had finally decided to travel again... and this time with Molly. She'd confided in me that she was hoping to pick up where she and her husband had left off and she hoped that eventually she and Molly would travel all over the world... like her dad had always dreamed. We'd even devised a crazy plan where the two of them would travel to Europe in April, because Europe was where the boys would be playing during the first leg of their tour and I promised that when she did, the two of us would get together and go out for a night on whatever town in whatever country we happened to meet up in. And Sheila made me promise that when we got together we would visit whatever famous landmark we could find and take silly pictures... and we would smile and laugh and have fun just as her son and her husband would have wanted. They were certainly promises I planned on keeping.

We talked about the movie... which was nearly done now, and how pleased we both were with how it was turning out. I would bring my laptop with me and the two of us would sit together while I edited and we would talk and smile and cry over all of the footage I'd recorded and cut and spliced and saved. It was hard to believe that my year long project would be coming to an end in just a couple weeks. It may not exactly have been the kind of "Life" movie I was looking for, but it was certainly a movie that chronicled life... and death... and life again. And I was excited to see the final product and to share it with my family and friends.

On this Friday, the weather outside was chilly and the air inside was warm and the coffee was comforting and so we sat and listened to the Christmas music that played throughout the store and we took comfort in knowing that we were inside, warm and cozy and that our families... both at home, and in Heaven, were safe.

"This was Matthew's favorite song," Sheila whispered when Rocking Around the Christmas Tree started playing throughout the shop.

I laughed, thinking of my husband dancing around the house the night before, our son cradled tightly in his arms, singing that exact same song, "Matthew had good musical taste then," I smiled, "Aj loves this song too."

She sighed, "It definitely won't be the same without him this year. I mean... I feel like I should be out shopping for whatever the newest video game system is... or that I should be looking for the most comfortable Christmas pajamas for the hospital and treatment. It's so different with just Molly and me. I love spending time with Molly though... and she definitely deserves a Christmas at home... away from hospitals. I can't believe she's six years old and she's never had a normal Christmas before. I guess I can at least be thankful that the two of us can share a quiet day at home... and decorate a real tree... and bake cookies together." I watched as more tears glistened in Sheila's eyes.

I nodded. How heartwrenching to know that Sheila had to battle with the thoughts in her mind that even if she could have back the one thing she wanted most in the world, she would also have to take back a hundred of the things she wanted the least. To be given just one more day with your child... even if it meant that day would be spent in the hospital, with treatments and pain and medicines. When your child is alive and you're doing everything in your power to keep them that way... well one more day, even with pain and hospitals and treatments is a bargain you might take. Once they're gone... you begin to realize, that even one more day wouldn't be worth watching your child go through any of that ever again.