Chapter 14 A Stupid Reason to Cry

So that was the end of 2000 going into 2001. Now the story continues on July 21st, 2001.

I remember that day like it was yesterday. Nick had left me a message telling me to watch MTV in the afternoon when I got home from teaching at the dance studio. I called up my girlies and they said they got the same message. So we decided to go over to Michelle’s to watch our favorite Boys on tv.

Michelle had just paid the pizza guy as Crystal turned on MTV. Michelle just placed the pizza box on the table and we each grabbed a slice when MTV News came back from commercial break.

The boys came on stage one by one and sat on the tools that were waiting for them.

“Where’s AJ?” Michelle asked when she noticed our good friend was not with the rest of the Boys.

“And they all look so sad. I wonder what’s up?” Crystal asked with her voice full of sympathy.

The screaming fans subsided and Kevin was handed a microphone.

He raised the microphone to his lips then looked with heavy eyes at his band of brothers. Nick lowered his head to the floor. The three of us girls looked at each other with questioning looks on our faces and we were all thinking the same thing, What happened to AJ? Where is our friend?

After a pause that seemed to last forever Kevin took a deep breath and spoke these words that shattered the world of Backstreet fans around the globe, “We are cancelling all of our upcoming shows due to the fact that AJ checked himself into rehab for drug and alcohol abuse and depression.”

The audience filled with Backstreet fans went silent. The three of us gasped and looked at each other.

Our heads went back to the tv and the fans surrounding the Boys were shocked as well. My friends and I glued our eyes to the tv as the Backstreet Boys were being interviewed about the stunning news.

Nick became very upset about his friend and tried his hardest to keep back the tears. Seeing Nick so upset made me even more upset and I lost my control over the tears threatening to run down my face. I felt like I was crying for Nick and myself.

I remember how the three of us all sat there and cried about the news. We were all big fans of AJ but we were also very good friends of his. We had no idea he was battling with drug and alcohol abuse and he always seemed so happy and cheerful; none of us would expect him to be depressed.

We cried for about five more minutes until Chris and Dan came back home from work.

“What’s the matter?!” Chris asked when he walked into the living room.

I sniffled and answered breathlessly, “AJ checked himself into rehab.”

“For what?” he asked again.

“For drug and alcohol abuse,” Crystal choked out as she cried in Dan’s arms.

“And… depression,” Michelle said in disbelieve. “But he was always so cheery and upbeat. How could he be depressed?”

“A lot of people in the entertainment world are depressed Mich. They just try to hide it until it overwhelms them. But look on the bright side girls.”

“What bright side? AJ is in rehab,” I cried out.

“Exactly!” Chris replied. “He knew he needed help so now he’s getting it. It’s not like he’s still out on his own drinking, doing drugs and being depressed. He’s getting help for his problems and he’s going to get better. We all know AJ. He’s a very strong person and he knows better than to throw his life away.”

“I wish there was something we could do for him,” Crystal sobbed.

“There is something we can do,” Chris continued, “We can support him. Once we find out where he is we’ll send him letters weekly, even daily if you want, and we can remind him that we are his friends and that we love him. That’s what he needs right now girlies is a few good friends to help him get through this. And afterward we’ll help him stay healthy.”

Chris’s words were soothing but I couldn’t help but wonder what AJ was going through.

I called Nick to ask for the address of the rehab AJ was in. It was hard for Nick to talk about his band mate. Heck AJ was more than a band mate and a friend to Nick; he was more like a brother. AJ was a brother to every Backstreet Boy. When it came down to it AJ was a brother to me and my best friends too.

From that point on the five of us sent letters and the occasional care package with our famous homemade goodies to AJ. But also from that point the Backstreet Boys took a break and Nick decided he would create his solo album.

During Backstreet’s break, Nick and I got to see more and more of each other. I also got to help with writing some songs and giving him advice with the music. I even helped with ideas for some music videos. During that time my thoughts about Nick got stronger as Ryan and I started to drift apart. And trust me there was more than one reason why Ryan and I were drifting apart.

For example Ryan really pissed me off the night I found out AJ checked into rehab. At least he noticed my tears when he came home from work.

He walked into the living room where I was writing a letter to AJ and asked, “Why are you crying?” He wasn’t even sympathetic about it and it sounded like he didn’t really care why I was crying.

“AJ checked himself into rehab. I just found out earlier.”

“What?! Why are you crying over a Backstreet Boy? That’s a stupid reason to shed tears over.”

I stood up to him, “It’s not a stupid reason to cry! He’s more than just a Backstreet Boy to me Ryan! He’s one of my best friends! I had no idea that he was been battling with depression! I’m worried about him Ryan!”

He started at me with wide, surprised eyes. After a few seconds of silence Ryan muttered, “Oh.”

“Oh?! Oh?! That’s the only thing you can say to me is oh?!” I screamed back at him. “Get out of my house Ryan! I can’t believe how insensitive you’re being!”

So that night after I finished my letter to AJ I crawled into bed alone and angry at my boyfriend. Although the next morning before I went to work he apologized to my face and I accepted.

After that day in July, the rest of the month and August seemed to fly past as I wrote letter after letter to AJ and received letters from him. Before either of us knew it September hit; and it hit hard.

September 11, 2001 started off like any other day. I was going through my daily routine of getting ready for class then my teaching job at the dance studio. Ryan was in New York visiting his sister. He left for the city two days prior so I was missing him dearly. Once I found out what happened I became frantic.

Class had gone on as usual; the same old classes just a different day. I had gone through all my classes without hearing a word about the Twin Towers and I found out when I got to the dance studio.

Everyone was packed into the staff room. None of my students were waiting for me so I squeezed myself in with the rest of my coworkers. They were all crowded around the tv and I wasn’t able to see the screen.

I tapped Mark on the shoulder and asked, “What is everybody staring at?”

“The World Trade Center was hit by a plane,” Mark answered with disbelief coursing through his voice.

He moved over a step so I could see the tv. Just as I laid my eyes on the screen, the second tower was hit. The silence in the room was eerie. It seemed like the world stood still as life in New York City became hectic. I stayed silent as I watched the unbelievable sight unfurl before my eyes but my mind screamed questions about my boyfriend.

Dia decided to cancel the lessons for the day because all of her instructors were greatly affected by what had just happened. Most of them had family in New York. I was about to call Ryan when Nick called first.

“Kalie did your cousin get back home safely?”

My cousin Kurt was in New York on a business trip a week earlier. I had almost forgotten he was in the city. I was more worried about my boyfriend who was in the city during this crisis.

“He came home yesterday. But Ryan is in the city! And I haven’t heard from him.”

“What’s he doing in the city?”

“He left two days ago to visit his sister. She goes to NYU. Nick I can’t talk because I need to call him. I need to know he and his sister are alright.”

I was about to hang up when I heard him say, “Visiting his sister that’s what he says. He’s probably cheating on you again.”

“Nick drop it! This is not the time to start with this shit again!” With that I hung up my cell and called my boyfriend.

Thankfully Ryan and his sister were nowhere near the World Trade Center. He told me the city was shut down which was expected but a few weeks later, when Kyle and Melissa got married, he returned safely to Florida with his sister.

But he decided to become a police officer to follow in his father’s footsteps and that was another reason why we were drifting apart.