June 22, 2014
Yolo, California
“NO! BEN! NO!”
My fingers dig into softness and my sleep-crusted eyes fly open. My tank top clings to me and I am covered in sweat. My first night of sleep in the lab is miserable. I relive the nightmare of Ben running towards me over and over again. I cannot get him out of my mind.
My chest heaves. I stare at the clock. The last time the dream woke me at 3:30 a.m. The clock reads 7:00. I decide against trying to sleep any longer.
I peel the sleep monitors off of my head. I head to the adjoined contamination shower which has been turned into a bathroom. A crooked mirror hangs above the sink and I take a good look at myself.
I am a mess. My hair is askew and there is a bruise on my cheek that I imagine could only be from Josh’s manhandling. I run my hand along my neckbone and then done.
Gone are the implants.
Still tingling is the ache in my hip.
For all intents and purposes, I am the same person I was when I was in the other dimension. My eyes are still the same and my hair is still the same, albeit not as well cared for.
But here I am alone.
I’ve never minded alone that much before. Yes, I’ve missed having a pet, but this is a different ache.
I think about what Kal said yesterday. I’ve never been a family-oriented woman. I grew up in a disinterested family unit. It wasn’t that I had role models to base a good relationship off of.
Josh’s words come back to me. I was cheating on Nick with Brian. Even after we were married. I glare at my reflection. I wouldn’t do that.
But given different circumstances, would my mom and dad’s own rocky road have come out in me?
My dad wasn’t around to have an opinion on my dream of being a scientist because he had caught my mom cheating on him. He had flown the coop, not sure that I was even his daughter. Mom didn’t really say either way. Hell, she didn’t tell me the real reason he left until I was seventeen. Grandpa was my only constant. He tolerated my mom only so he could have a second chance to shape a productive member of society. He had bought me my first microscope. He had gone to the Science Bowl where we won first place even though he couldn’t even hear.
In that parallel universe I was no better than my mother. I was worse. I was worse because I was cheating on a guy that would lay down and die for me.
It’s too much. I bend down, pressing my head to the sink and cry.
“You need to drink more water. Your veins are rolling on me. You don’t want to look like a crack addict after all this.”
I look away. I may be a scientist, but I hate getting my own blood drawn. I can feel the needle hungrily searching for the vein. I twitch as it finds one and suck in my bottom lip as I feel the blood being drawn out. It seems like an eternity.
“Okay, you’re good. Just hold the cotton ball for a second.”
I look back only when I know my fingers are pressing the cotton ball securely to the needle puncture. Kal takes the two vials, shiny with red blood and labels them carefully. She turns back and affixes a bandage over the cotton.
“You had a bad night.”
I nod.
“I strongly suspect that the you of the parallel universe has returned and life is continuing as normal.”
“What?”
Kal glances towards the door and then back at me. “I’m not positive, but it would make sense that there’s parallel universe versions of all of us. You temporarily invaded that space, but once your presence was vacated the original presence would have room to return.”
She grabs the small basket with my blood and supplies. “Watch TV and relax. Drink your tea. I’ll bring you lunch in an hour.”
I don’t reply. I think about Josh. Not Josh the scientist. Josh the stalker.
I think about Nick and me going to the lab. The guard never denied that Kal was inside.
In the big scheme of things, it makes sense that the alternative universe me would be back.
It makes sense, but I hate it. This is the woman playing two guys for fools.
This is the woman that gets to raise Ben. The only nice thing I can think about this other me is that she has at least done well with Ben.
Ben.
I will never see him get his license.
“A chicken.”
“And this one?”
“A bunny.”
“And this one?”
“A bunny and a chicken.”
I took quite a few psychology courses in college and one of my papers evaluated the effectiveness of the Rorschach test. Interpreting a person’s personality using ink blots always seemed a far-fetched idea to me. Rorschach had meant them to be a test of schizophrenia. I wondered how the woman sitting across from me would interpret my chicken and bunny, neither of which did I really see.
“And this one?”
“Ganon.”
“Ganon?”
“From Legend of Zelda?”
“Oh, I see.”
She totally didn’t see.
“And this one?”
“Duke Nukem.”
“I’m not familiar with a Duke by that name. Which century?”
I try not to laugh. “20th.”
“Oh, I see.”
“And this one?”
“Taco Bell.”
“Taco Bell?”
I can’t hide the laugh on this one.
“Complete with bean farts.”
“Courtney, the psychiatrist says you were too smart to test.”
Kal puts down my dinner. The BLT on the plate looks soggy and cold. I grab a potato chip and sit back.
“Really? Was it her inability to decipher the difference between royal monarchy and video game characters or the thought of lentil gas that got her?”
Kal smiles the first true smile I’ve seen since my return. “You’re an ass.”
“I’ve had a couple good teachers.”
Instead of leaving, Kal sits down in the chair across from me. “I missed you.”
I give the bacon a pinky touch. Totally cold. “I was, it appears, only gone a day.”
“It was a long day. Josh was a madman. When you didn’t return in a half hour he started accusing me of sabotage.”
“What did you do to him?”
“I--”
“I mean, yesterday.”
Kal doesn’t answer. “I’ll leave you to your dinner. Don’t forget to put on the sleep sensors.”
I pick at another chip. Part of me wants to keep my rebellious streak alive by ignoring the sensors, but I know that to do so would delay me leaving this place. And I know that once I leave the lab that I will never return.
What I don’t know is where I will go.
