Hours passing fluidly like oncoming traffic, flicking away the numbers and what made sense out of them. They were going to their next destination, Boston Mass, Nick watching swirling grey and blues out from the bus, drowning by the flaws it holds. Life wasn't fair, heck it never really was he thought. He felt the pocket-knife in his worn jeans, tethering by a catering thought to etch more marks on his already damaged arm. But sharing a bus with AJ didn't help either, since his wife and daughter were unable to go with him, he decided to join Nick.."like old times" as AJ would say. Losing himself in thought when suddenly AJ came in with a stack of movies and a couple of sodas.
" So pick out a movie dude to get our minds off the time."
Nick sighed, not this again. He knew that if he could somehow feed their needs to comfort him, then he should just give in perhaps. AJ placed a frosted can of soda on Nick's lap and smiled at him.
" Ok...how about The Hangover?" Nick said waving the movie freely as he takes a small sip of soda. AJ nodded and took it from his hand.
" sure why not, i mean we only watched it like a billion times." He laughed shaking his head and Nick dangled his legs off the small green couch, AJ on the floor.
" Um...AJ...can I ask you something?"
AJ turned and stared Nick down, unsure on what was about to to be spoken.
" Whats on your mind Kaos?" He said, rubbing his knuckles over his knee, afraid to even ask...afraid to even chose his words so thoughtfully.
" Do you ever think about....death?" Nick asked carefully, sweat brims like porcelain beads on his forehead. But AJ sighed deeply, taking in the question and exhaling a possible answer.
" Well..I mean...sure. Remember before I went to rehab and all the drugs and alcohol and shit I used to do and how I would disappoint everyone..including Kev." He paused and Nick slightly nodded, remembering that day so clearly. Kevin was the most saddened of all of us. He always felt he was responsible or was not there enough. He felt as if he had failed in some way.
" SO...I mean.." AJ continued, scratching his palms as if the memory was lingering in his reach.
" Yes Nicky..I have..at that time I always thought well maybe I should take my own life, make it easier for you all..you know?" He said but then added " I don't feel that way anymore though...I mean I have Rochelle and Ava now so..life it good man!" he said holding up his can of soda like a torch and Nick reluctantly joined him in his cheer. But the conversation would soon turn somber.
" I feel that way..all the time..." Nick murmured and of course his band mate heard, quickly swinging his head in Nick's direction but he didn't look up. He was staring down, playing with the metal tab..wishing it was knives on his skin, dreaming it could shred him apart till he was nothing as he felt.
AJ was quiet for a moment, Nick's words dissolving inside him. He understood though as he got up and gave Nick a long and comforting hug and Nick seemed to melt in his place.
" Awe Nicky....I know Lauren's death had been so hard on you but I promise it will get better." He said but Nick heard the same thing, the same time, all throughout the 2 years where he never thought there was this kind of pain that stiffens your breath, haunting these walls of his soul.
" It will be ok bro, I am here, we are all here for you" AJ repeated, softly rubbing Nick's back and holding him tighter.
* If only you knew J..if only you knew* Nick thought so sweetly to himself
Once at Boston, the guys fled their buses, the bitter cold air of winter biting their ears fiercely as they made their way inside the hotel. Once settled, they were doing some press interview or something so intruding. Nick brisked past Howie who was chatting with AJ and his words stopped at Nick's gloomy appearance.His figure skinny, eyes flushed with balcked holes, face sunken down. The interview was about to start and he wished nothing more than to get through it with the amount of dignity he had left.
" Is he ok? I mean he just seems to keep getting more distant from us." Howie whispered, making sure Nick didn't hear.
" At this point he should get his own ocean..." AJ slowly said, trying to brightly spread some hope in his words...he knew his brother wasn't all right.
" Yea but I am getting so worried. Did you know he almost forgot the words to "I want it that way" I mean how??" Howie informed as AJ nodded his head.
" We just have to make sure to keep letting him know we are here when he is ready to open up." he said, wavering his eyes over at Nick's direction as he took a seat, hands folded like origami.
AJ didn't tell Howie nor the other guys of Nick's deathly confession, it wasn't his place really. But it was torturing him though..hurt by the stricken look when released those words.
After the interview, the guys agreed to get some dinner and get some needed rest before the show tomorrow night. They followed like a pack to a nice steakhouse, ordering some plump steaks and root beer but Nick didn't seem to want to eat much. Scraping his fork over untouched food. The guys exchanged eyebrow looks and focused back on Nick.
" So frack...your excited for the show tomorrow?" Brian prodded, hoping to get some kind of answer out of him.
Nick looked up and faked a goofy grin, finally taking a small bite on mashed potatoes.
" Yea man, I love Boston." he exclaimed shoveling more food in his mouth. Brian wondered if it was a way to avoid conversation.
" Nick man, we are very worried about you buddy.." Kevin finally chimed in.
" We noticed you have been acting..so different..maybe you can go see a shrink or something, get some meds." Howie said as Nick crossed his arms over his chest, apparently not thrilled to where this was going.
" What are you saying?" Nick said angrily, looking down at his half-picked plate.
" Were just saying Frack, it could help you, get some of that load off your shoulders." Brian slowly said, narrowing his eyes at him.
" Fuck you! I am fine!" Nick snapped, suddenly leaving the table and back to his hotel room. No one said anything further than that.
When Nick reached his room, he grabbed his trusty knife and slammed the bathroom door shut. Placing himself on the toilet and viciously thrashed at his inner arm, tears spilling like spring rain, his cheeks smeared with blood as he wiped them away. Quickly he bandaged his arm and plopped on the bed. The same marks crying words he could never understand....
The next morning, as sunlight greets him with its soft pale light inching his hair, then his face, Nick woke up and headed for the shower. As he was getting dressed he heard a swift knock on the door and he groaned. What is it now he thought. when he opened the door he saw Kevin standing there, a serious expression on his face. Inside Nick crumbled as he prepared to hear what he had to say. But Nick was suprised it wasn't about last night at all
" You ready? we have sound check in an hour." he asked, trying to be so patient, trying to not upset him.
" Um..yea, I'm just getting dressed." Nick trailed as he noticed Kev eyeing his hand covering his wrist. Kevin looked up gently with a questioning look but refused to even ask.
" Ok, I will let the others know." Kevin said twirling around, leaving Nick alone.
Kevin shut the door and immediately went to find the guys...something was not right at all.
Kevin gathered the other guys and had an important meeting in his room, without Nick of course. Once they sat down, Kevin stared at them for a fruitful moment.
"where is Nick? shouldn't he be here?" Brian asked
" thats why were here, we need to talk about him.." Kevin said as he sighed deeply, his hands wiping away the frustration at what he witnessed.
" I think Nick is...." he trailed, not sure how to say it and unsure of the guys reaction but he took another harboring breath and continued.
" i think Nicky is hurting himself." he finally blabbed as the guys gasp in disbelief and worry.
" No...no..just....no..he wouldn't." Brian stuttered, apparently not finding his own voice.
" I went there to see if he was ready and he was in the process of getting dressed and I noticed him covering his wrist.." Kevin continued, exhaling those words like a venom stripping his lips.
" We need to do something about this." Howie injected but Kev just shook his head.
" Not yet....we need to wait till he tells us himself, we don't want him to do, you know anything advanced from that." Kevin said as the others shudder at that thought.
" we need to watch him more, and make sure he is not alone!" he said
aj jumped up and flailing his hand firmly on the table.
" oh yea and how do you think we should do this? he is not a kid anymore Kevin!" AJ growled in obvious panic.
" Just make sure he is ok." he said quietly and the other nodded, filing out the door, waiting to protect Nick.
At the sound check, Nick was tuning his guitar as AJ Approached him, standing there..watching him, his mind restless. Nick glanced up and smiled.
" Whats up dude." he simply asked and turned his attention back on his guitar.
" Nick...just...don't..." AJ stammered, hopeless at the coversation.
* We just don't want him to do, you know anything advanced from that* he heard Kevin in his head.
" Just don't do anything stupid, come talk to us instead>" he finally said as Nick gave him a confused look.
As they were singing Permanent Stain, all they voices collided in beauty but the other guys stopped, besides Nick and heard a painful voice that is screaming for help.
Chapter End Notes:
sorry for the format, i am new lol can't you tell?? hope you like it
