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insignificant as the breathing
creature I had become,
unbecoming,
for the darkness I knew so well -






My head instantly rushing with different images, especially that of Lauren.
Remembering her mangled body,
her skin pale and taunt
and her eyes like a mannequin...
.my lips curled in anger as I ran down to the lobby
and Kevin met my gaze, his expression unchanged.
He knew something wasn't right,
seeing the panic that levitated from my eyes as if he already knew.
" change of plans.." I briskly said and he locked his casting reel upon me..obviously not an approved view.
" No Nick, we agreed on this and now you back down?"
He growled at me but it wasn't his fault
I needed him more than anyone right now.
" Nick! How can we help you if you don't even want to help yourself? Jesus! I mean we love you Nick and you go and pull.."
He didn't even get to finish when I rudely interrupted, but for good reason I might add.
" The Detective called." I breathed lifelessly and he just stared.
So I continued.
" He said to come back immediately..they must of found new evidence or something"
Again he stared, not understanding and not wanting too
" Oh Nick...well...at least let me go with you."
I hesitated, as I always do..but I wanted to do this alone. I must be the one to deal with it all.
" I don't know Kev, I mean..just go back with your family and I will let you know what happens." I finally completed
" But you shouldn't be alone..." He said in almost a saddened whisper.
I sighed so deeply, I noticed he didn't sound too happy about this, I think it is best this way.
I cracked my famous Carter smile to try to reassure him
I ran my fingers over my cheeks, sounding so desperate but yet I feel I need to do this.
" Don't worry, I won't..you know..do that."
" you promise Nicky? Please I am begging you not to do it." he informed me, laving his temple with his hand.
" I'll be fine...I will call you.: i ended and with that I turned around and went inside the cab toward the airport. Kevin just witnessed me, sight like lightening rumbling in complete estimates of simple sympathy.
I only focused on what lies ahead.
As Kevin dipped his head down in awful fear.





The lovely scenes entrance around me as I was driven to the airport. Too many questions and arguments filling my head with lies.
* If only I was there* I remembered and shuddered by an onset of a chilling North breeze.
It was true though...for none of this would have ever happened.
And she would be with me, starting our life and family.
That dream seems so untrue as the day logs on with torturing affects.
I had left for the tour previous to the one I just did.
I remembered kissing her so gently, rocking her body aside my own, making amazing love with her.
If only i was there....
If only...
As much as I despised the way my heart felt, I cannot help but blame myself.
As her husband I vowed to take care of her and did not.
I Vowed to always be along her side and I didn't.
I never thought Chris would do this...
To me and to her...the police would not believe me
Heck...I did not know where he even was
or if he was still alive..
One thing I did think of though, if i ever see him
he would have a lifetime for me to repay evil with evil.
Playing around with my sweatshirt, I finally got to the airport and payed the poor guy who had to deal with my mental acts.
I rushed in the airport and hastily made a flight for California..my home
Her home...
Our home..now shattered with betrayed death on our minds.
Then on the flight, my brain drifted to a a new landscape of horrifying memories and regrets.



* Flashback**
" oh come on Nickster! it will be fun!" Chris exclaimed giving me those puppy eyes boredom look.
I could only help but laugh.
I never knew how serious he was till it was too late.
See, Chris and I met in Florida after my family moved there. so we had been friends since almost my whole life.
he was cool though, I mean we played ball and hung out..talking about chicks and what not.
But one day he told me a secret.
I never thought it would come out of his mouth.
He confessed to me a few days ago he was gay and I usually do not care for that.
I mean I am pretty lenient with that kind of stuff.
But it wasn't that that got me.
He wanted me...
and no one else.
" oh please Nick! I would love to have every part of you." he slowly spoke and I was disgusted.
Stroking my face so needing like, my stomach churned.
I didn't feel the same way is all.
" Nah shit dude, I am your friend and lets leave it at that." I pleaded.
And thought I thought everything would be ok after it, it really wasn't.
As I got up and left the conversation as it was, I could tell he had a sort of hatred toward me.
It grew even stronger to that night..when he...
No! I can't think about it.
What I didn't learn is what came after on his mouth.
I wished I listened, then none of this would happen.
It was of pure malice and greed and he burned gratefully.
" I will get you one way or the other Carter!"
** End of Flashback**







Yet again I fight fitfully in my chair as we were arriving, my nightmares never ceasing.
The horrible memories that encased within it.
As I prepared to leave, I fought on my phone to find
the detective's number, as I groaned to push in his numbers, what came next was as much as a shock that runs through my body.
" Hello, Detective Harley." Told in such a professional manner but I wasn't here for that..i wanted answers and now!
" Yes this is Nick Carter, you had called me before?" I intruded, my voice above reason.
" oh yes Mr. Carter. are you in the area?" he asked so spitefully and I ignored, demanding as I could ever be.
" Yea..I just landed here...are you at your office?" I asked in return
" Sure, swing by as soon as you can" fast paced and to the point..I had an weird shudder then.
At that time I began to think it was something great, you know, that they finally made a break through in the case.
But little did I know, it was gonna twist into something I never expected in my entire life,
or else I must had dissolved myself from there.







I sauntered into his office...waiting and longing for one of my nightmares to eventually end. The office smelled like stale coffee and cigarette smoke but my fingers laced into each other, as if my hope
is something more
and not less...
" Mr Carter?" he spoke again and guided me into his office and I as I melted into the leather chair,
his direction was not so great.
" So...Mr. Carter.." he started
" you can call me Nick" I stated and he pulled back into his own cocoon, like I offended him.
" ok..well i found some insignificant evidence along Lauren's bones.
Ok? I thought to myself, tucking away any possibility.
" And we noticed she had a slight fracture previous to her kidnapping and murder..."
I did not understand what he was trying to say but I didn't have a good feeling about it.
" We may think your a suspect Nick..." he trailed off.
As I drowned myself within my own hand and cried