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After the Kiss


Peter went after Remus, leaving James and Sirius on the stairs. Sirius was still staring at the spot where Remus had been sitting, a dumbfounded look on his face. James bit his lip and watched Peter disappear out the portrait hole, then turned to Sirius. “...well, that was unexpected,” he said.

Sirius blinked for the first time in several long moments and turned his head to look up at James, his face still blank with shock. He moved his lips like he wanted to say something, but nothing quite came out.

James extended his hand and pulled Sirius to his feet. “C’mon, let’s go up to the dorm and talk,” he said and he looked back over his shoulder to where Lily Evans was laughing with Annalee McKinnon and Ali Prewett and Frank Longbottom across the room briefly before following Sirius up to the boy’s room. He wondered what it would be like to have the guts that Remus had just done and just kiss the person that you liked without any hesitation. He didn’t think he could ever be that confident around Evans.

When the door had closed behind them, Sirius stumbled to his bed and sat on the edge, staring at the floor, puzzled. James kicked off his trainers and finally shrugged off his practice jersey, tossing it over the back of his desk chair. He cleared his throat as he pulled on a fresh t-shirt and took off his glasses to polish the smudges off them. “So. Remus.” he said, breathing hot air on the glasses to help with the cleaning.

Sirius asked, “Did you know?”

James shook his head, “Not a clue, mate.” He slid the glasses back on to his face and looked at Sirius, “Would’ve told you if I knew, of course.”

Sirius shook his head, “I dunno what to do.”

“Yeah.” James sat down on his own bed, facing Sirius. “What do you think of it?”

“What do I think of it?”

James shrugged. “I mean… it’s Rey.”

Sirius stared at him, then laughed, “You’re not insinuating that I -- he and I --- that I’m --” Sirius laughed again, his eyes sparkling with amusement, “Oh please, Potter. You know better than that. I’m not --” the sparkle dimmed. Then he looked down at the floor. “I’m not.” He shrugged.

“Alright, so you’re not, that’s fine, I’m not saying you are. I’m saying it’s Remus.”

Sirius looked up. “I know it’s bloody Remus! That’s why it’s so horrible! He’s Remus, he’s the funny blonde kid with the furry little problem and the goofy laugh and the old jumper smell.” James nodded. Sirius sighed and covered his eyes. “Bloody hell.”




Peter had run all over the floor and the next one, checked every corridor, and had even gone all the way down by the closed library to try and find Remus, but he wasn’t anywhere to be found. He returned to Gryffindor tower, worried about his mate, and feeling a bit disappointed. There was something profoundly sad about what had happened, he thought. Remus really was such a good person, Peter wished that Sirius had just been nicer about what happened…

He stepped through the portrait hole. Most of the party had dispersed. He was carrying the silver and gold party cone that Remus had been wearing all night, having found it in the hallway. He turned it over in his hands several times, staring down at it. Lily and her friends were still in the common room and though he tried to sneak off ot the dorms without them noticing, Lily beckoned him over, “Peter, tell Rey to come down here, we didn’t make him blow out the candles on his cake properly and look - Annalee’s sister, Marlene’s given us real birthday candles for Remus’s day!” she smiled excitedly.

“Brilliant,” Peter murmured. He glanced at the stairs that led up to the dorms. “Actually, though I’m sort of looking for Remus myself… He, uh, he had to leave earlier and… I can’t find him anywhere.”

Lily recognized the worry in Peter’s voice and she sat up. “What’s the matter, Pete?” Peter glanced at the others around the fire and shook his head. Lily followed his gaze, then got up and pulled him aside, where Frank, Annalee, and the others wouldn’t overhear. “Peter?” she pressed, “Is everything alright?”

Peter was quite nervous. He didn’t know if he ought to tell Lily what happened or not, if Remus would be cross with him for telling her, but he had to tell somebody and it was more than likely that everyone would know about it within hours anyway - surely it hadn’t gone completely unseen, what Remus had done, so he squirmed uncomfortably for a moment under Lily’s gaze, then he blurted out, “Remus kissed Sirius.”

“Oh no.” Lily looked up toward the dormitory, worried. “Is - is he alright?”

“Sirius pushed him off and Remus ran away and I can’t find him anyplace,” Peter answered hurriedly.

Lily closed her eyes in empathy, taking a deep breath, then she looked at Peter, “I’ll find him.”

“You - you will?”

“Yes,” Lily replied and she hurried to the portrait hole, “Tell the others I’ll be back. But don’t tell them what happened, alright? That should be private.”

Peter nodded earnestly.

“I’ll be back.”

Lily ducked through the portrait hole and rushed down the corridor, thinking where Remus might’ve gone and she hurried down to the sixth floor to the trophy room and stood before the portrait of Brutus Scrimgeour. The famous quidditch player was fast asleep, leaning against the frame of his portrait, snoring a bit. Lily stood there and cleared her throat a moment, trying to get his attention. “Excuse me… Mr. Scrimgeour, sir?” she pleaded and she knocked gently on the frame.

He woke up and looked around, sputtering just a bit. “Who’s there? Who’s that?” His eyes focused and landed on Lily standing there and he paused. “Yes, little girl?”

“Has a boy come through here?” she asked.

“A boy?”

“Yes, about… about this high -” she held her arm up, “With blonde hair, sort of unruly with curls, and honey-green eyes?”

Brutus Scrimgeour stared at her a moment, raised eyebrow. “I wouldn’t know about the honey-green eyes, but there was a boy, yes. Knew the password, I let him right through.”

Lily’s heart skipped a beat. “Excellent. Beati Pacifici!”

The portrait opened and she scrambled inside, lifting her wand, “Lumos,” she commanded it and she started down the stairs. She had to take it quite slowly - she wasn’t familiar enough with the tunnel yet so as to run it the way the boys did. But she made her way along and finally she could see a glowing light ahead of her and knew she was coming up to the little alcove where Remus had taken her a year prior to tell her his great secret of being a werewolf. She felt her palms go clammy at the memory of the horror of finding out that the boy you sort of fancied was a werewolf…

She turned the corner into the alcove and sure enough, there was Remus, laying across the little couch on his back, hands folded on his chest, staring up at the ceiling with vacant eyes. She crept closer. “Remus… it’s me, Lily.”

His face twitched, but other than that, he didn’t reply.

She stepped closer and slowly bent so she was on her knees beside the couch at his head and leaned over it so she was staring down at him. Gently, she ran her fingers through the hair at his forehead, pushing it back. “Oh Remus, I’m so sorry. I heard what happened.”

Remus blinked up at her. His eyes were all moist and red.

“Whatever made you do it?”

“He said kind words to me,” Remus whispered, his voice thick and throat raw. “I feel like such an idiot.”

“You’re not an idiot,” Lily answered, and she got up, lifted his head softly and sat down beneath so he ended up laying with his head in her lap. She gently smoothed his hair and ran her fingers softly over his cheeks, despite the horrible scars. “Maybe he just needs some time to digest the information you’ve given him,” Lily suggested.

“Yeah, maybe, or maybe he never wants to see me again because he’s afraid I’m crushing on him,” Remus said, “Either or.”

Lily shook her head, “I doubt he’d never want to see you again, you’re his best mate.”

“No. James is his best mate. I’m just…” Remus shook his head, “I’m just... “ he couldn’t even come up with anything he was. He looked up at her. “I’m nothing, Lily.”

“That’s absolute rubbish, Rey,” she said, “I’ve seen how he looks at you. He admires you something awful. He loves you.”

“Not like I love him,” Remus murmured.

Lily shrugged. “Did he say anything when you kissed him?”

“Asked me what the hell I was doing,” Remus replied dimly. He hung his head, “I dunno what the hell I was doing. I swear I just completely lost my mind. He said I wasn’t a monster. He said any man would be crazy not to want me. I thought… I thought he might’ve been including himself… and… I dunno, my body just took over and blam-o! I’m kissing Sirius Black.

Deciding to take a different tack to the subject, Lily asked, “How was it?”

Remus looked surprised, “How was what?”

“The kiss, Rey,” Lily said, exasperated, “The kiss! How was the kiss? Was it everything you thought it would be?”

Remus blushed and he sat up and crossed his legs and turned to look at Lily. “It was nice,” he said. “I wish it had lasted longer… wish he’d kissed me back… but… but it was nice.”

“Yeah?” Lily’s eyes sparkled as she smiled, encouraging him, “What did his lips feel like? Were they soft?”

“They were sort of dry, I don’t think he drinks enough water,” Remus answered diplomatically. “But blimey… they were warm… and his chin’s a bit scratchy. Have you noticed he’s got a bit of a five o’clock shadow started?”

Lily giggled, “I hadn’t, but I reckon you probably pay far more attention to Sirius Black than I do.”

“Yeah, true…” he smiled shyly.

Lily smiled and she patted his knee.

“But what do I do now?” Remus asked. “I’m… I’m afraid to go back to the dorm. He made it very clear he doesn’t want me to… to be doing that again. I mean, I won’t… but…” He thought of Snuffles warm fur pressed to his skin, of long nights in the Shrieking Shack before Sirius started coming along, of the scars on his body and how they’d multiply if he stopped… Remus said, “I’ve mucked up everything, Lily.”

“Aw nooo, you lot are friends, Remus,” Lily said, “Surely something like this wouldn’t destroy that!” She shook her head.

He mumbled, “You don’t understand…”

Lily said, “Rey, I think of all the people in the whole world that I’ve ever, ever met… of all the friendships I’ve ever seen… the bond between you four… it’s stronger and more important than all the others in the world.”

Remus looked up at her with a raised eyebrow.

“You’re the bloody Marauders, Rey!” she cried, “You’re inseparable! You put up with each other when there isn’t anybody else who would’ve done.” Lily smiled, “And you’ll get through tests on the friendship, like this one. Like you did back in the start of term. Remember over Christmas when you thought for sure you were never, ever going to get things back to good again and then… then you did, didn’t you?” Remus nodded reluctantly. “It’ll be okay again, Remus. You’ll see.”




Meanwhile, back upstairs… when Sirius uncovered his eyes, they contained a panicked look in them. He stared at James who was staring right back. “Sirius,” James’s voice was really level, “It’s alright if you feel something back for Rey, you know, I still don’t give a damn about the whole who is and who isn’t bit.” He shrugged.

Sirius shook his head.

James looked Sirius over, “I mean… honestly, and I don’t mean this rudely, mate… but it wouldn’t be entirely shocking. You lot are so close, it actually makes a lot of sense.”

Sirius raised his eyebrow.

“Just, the way you take care of him, I mean,” James explained, “And it’s a good thing. Remus needs that. Remus needs you and you’re there for him. It’s one of the things that makes you the best friend ever in the world. You take care of him the way… the way my dad does my mum.”

Sirius’s entire body seemed to go rigid at these words.

“I’m sorry, I’m making it worse aren’t I?” James said frowning.

“It’s just that I don’t think I’m gay,” Sirius said. “I’ve never looked at a man and thought how good looking he was…” he paused and his eyes diverted to the floor. “I don’t look at Rey and dream of snogging with him or anything… I don’t even know for certain what… what two boys would… you know… how it would work...”

James shrugged.

“Besides, I just can’t be gay,” Sirius said firmly. “You think my family wants to ruddy kill me for being Gryffindor? Oi! Mix in gay and dating a werewolf and my mother would bloody break down the castle walls just to get at me and avada me dead.”

James said, “Well it really can’t depend on your family and what they want.”

Sirius added, “I have a girlfriend… sort of. Marlene McKinnon and I, we were making plans to see each other sometime. I was gonna finally get to snog a girl.”

James raised an eyebrow, “You were finally going to? What happened to all the dozens you’ve kissed and couldn’t tell us about?”

Sirius sighed, “Potter, c’mon, don’t be such a git.”

“Wait. Wait, hold up.” James held up his hands, “You’ve never snogged a girl?”

Sirius shook his head, “A bit with Meg Johnson that one night… but… well, even though I would hardly count, it was so sloppy and sort of gross.” Sirius frowned, and he found himself wondering if it would be as sloppy and gross if it were Rey he’d been snogging with that night and he closed his eyes as though he were in pain at the realization of what he was thinking. He shook his head, “James, I can’t be gay,” he said. “I just can’t. Remus will get over me, yeah? We’ll be able to be friends again?”

“Course,” James said with a shrug.

Sirius leaned back, laying across his bed, putting his feet up on the headboard. He stared at the ceiling, the patterns the moonlight n the window were making seemed to dance across it.

“Sirius,” James said, “Just… just one more thing and I swear to you that I’ll drop it for all eternity after, okay?”

“Yeah, Potter?”

“Well… well we’re your family now and we’re going to accept you no matter whether you’re snogging Marlene McKinnon or Remus Lupin, it doesn’t matter to us. So bugger your blood family - Regulus and the lot of them. They’re horrid and their opinions don’t matter even a knut. Your real family’s here for you no matter what. So.. so be whatever the bloody hell you want to be.”

“Thanks, James.”

“You’re welcome.”

Sirius took a deep breath. The moon light was shimmering, reminding him of Rey. He closed his eyes. “They’ve been gone a long while.”

“Yeah…”

“Do you reckon Remus is angry with me for pushing him off?” Sirius asked.

“Probably more… hurt… than angry,” James said.

Sirius’s throat caught at the thought that he, Sirius, could’ve hurt Remus. Nobody was allowed to hurt Remus. Least of all him. His eyebrows knit together with concern.

The door opened and Peter came in and James looked over at him. “Where’s Remus?”

Peter shrugged, “Lily Evans went to find him. I couldn’t find him anywhere, it’s like he’d disappeared.”

Sirius sat up, swinging his legs over the side of the bed. “...you told Evans what happened?” he asked, flushing.

Peter answered, “She didn’t seem surprised much. I think she might’ve already known. About Rey’s feelings for you, I mean.”

Sirius made a face.

“I’m sure she’ll find him,” Peter said, “I just didn’t know where else to look for him.”

“Well he can’t be alone, so if she hasn’t… if she hasn’t then maybe I --” He stopped mid-sentence as James raised an eyebrow. Ignoring him, Sirius got up and went over to Remus’s bed and pulled out the Marauder’s Map and smoothed it out so he could find the dot labeled Remus Lupin. He really wanted to find him, he realized. Maybe seeing Remus would be the best way to sort it all out. His hands shook as he traced them over the map. Then he found them, Lily Evans and Remus Lupin, both in the little alcove of the Trophy Room passageway. He felt a bit disappointed. Remus was alright, he didn’t need Sirius. “She found him,” he announced, “He’ll be alright, then.” He folded the map up and shoved it back under the mattress.

“Where was he?” Peter asked.

“The trophy room passage,” Sirius replied, and he went back over to his bed, “I think I’m going to sleep.. I have a headache.” He crawled onto the bed and rolled so he was back-to the other two boys and curled his knees to his chest.

James looked around at Peter and shrugged.