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Be More Patient


Once again, the full moon was coming up, October having flown by it seemed, and Remus was struggling about the castle. The first years were nervous about him, asking James if he was alright. “Of course he’s alright!” James answered, then he lowered his voice and leaned closer, “When we were in third year, Remus fought a dragon in the woods and it’s done given him bum knees that ache with certain weather.”

“Whoaaaa,” gasped Dexter. “Seriously?!” he snuck a glance at Remus, who was paused halfway up the stairwell, rubbing his knees. “Fighting dragons is serious business.”

“Remus was draaa-gon fiiiigh-tiiiiing… his kicks were fast as lightning…” Sirius suddenly came out of no where singing as he danced past the first years, “In fact, it was a little bit frightening! The dragon fought with expert timing!” He thundered by and clamped his arm about Remus, helping him along.

“Blimey,” whispered Liam, looking impressed. “Never knew a bloke who’d fought a dragon before!”

Dexter asked eagerly, “The dragon gave Remus a messed up knee but… what’d the dragon get?”

“His teeth pulled!” James invented. “Ever heard of Shiramaug the Toothless?” The first years all shook their heads no. “That’s him. That’s the one Rey fought,” James said, as though they’d all said they’d heard of his imaginary dragon, “Of course before Rey got to him he was known as Shiramaug the Sharp but can’t say that anymore! Perhaps Shiramaug the Gum Smacker!”

So the first years thought Remus was the bravest of all time and they often played out on the grounds at Remus Versus the Dragon and fought over who would be Shiramaug the Sharp and who would be Remus the Mighty and they would spend hours running about brandishing their wands like swords as they ran over the grass laughing.

The night before the full moon, Sirius lay in the dormitory on Remus’s bed, holding him close as Remus buried his face in the crook of Sirius’s neck, his back aching horribly again. Sirius ran his hands over Remus’s spine gently, pausing now and then to work out knots with his fingers, and Remus breathed the smell of Sirius and kept his eyes closed. Sirius was telling Remus all about the firsties playing Remus V. Shiramaug that day on the lawn and Remus smiled, listening, holding onto Sirius.

“I reckon they fancy you the bravest man in all the world,” Sirius concluded.

Rey’s fingers knotted around Sirius’s shirt and he inhaled sharply as a jolt of pain went through his bones. “They wouldn’t find me so brave if they could see me about now,” whispered Remus tremulously.

“Well I find you brave about now,” Sirius replied.

Remus shook his head, “You’re biased.”

“Terribly,” agreed Sirius, smiling. “But I like being biased. It means I get to snog you.” He gently placed a kiss on Remus’s forehead.

Remus fell asleep and Sirius just lay there holding him. When James and Peter came upstairs, he motioned for them to move quietly about the room, “He’s only just fallen asleep,” he whispered, “Hasn’t been able to sleep the past couple nights.”

James nodded and Peter changed into his pyjamas carefully. “I feel terrible for him,” Peter said softly as he buttoned his flannels up.

Sirius nodded, “As do I.”

James came over and he said, “Poor Rey.”

Sirius stroked the blonde curls with his fingers gently.

“You really love him,” Peter said quietly.

“More than anything else,” Sirius answered, his voice thick.

Peter crawled into bed and James half sat half leaned against the foot of the bed, his arms crossed over his chest. They stayed like that - James and Sirius both sitting there, sentinel over Remus’s pain, as though observing it made it more meaningful or might lighten the load that weighed on Remus’s shoulders for it. Peter fell asleep.

Remus would whimper now and then, and after a few moments, James whispered, “It seems to be worse every month.”

Sirius nodded, “Mr. Veigler said it was because he’s getting older and his body’s not made for growing anymore. Says it’ll get worse each year.” Sirius looked down at Remus, whose face was twitching every now and then as pangs went through him. Sirius could feel the muscles tightening under his hands as the moonlight played across Remus’s face from the window. “I dunno how it can get worse than this. I dunno how he’ll manage.”

“Well, he has you.”

Sirius looked up and his eyes met James’s, “He’ll always have me.”

James nodded, “He will. Lucky boy, he is.”

“You want me, too, Potter?” Sirius teased, eyes twinkling.

James replied, “It’s just that anyone who is loved as fiercely as you love him is lucky.”

Sirius paused, his amusement dying away as he realized this was a serious moment and he cleared his throat. “Potter.”

“Yeah?”

“That stuff you said the other day about never being boinked and all that,” Sirius shook his head, “That’s horseshit. And I don’t mean just that you’ll never get laid or whatever, I mean -- sometimes, when you joke about stuff like that, about not being loved and all that… Sometimes, you know, think you might mean it.”

James’s face burned and he turned away.

“Well it’s horseshit anyway,” Sirius said and he kissed Remus’s head again.

“What if it isn’t horseshit?” James questioned, “What if it ends up being that nobody loves me?” He looked at Sirius and his eyes were a bit damp about the edges. He took a shaky breath, “What if I’m inherently unlovable?” A tear - just one - slipped over James’s cheek, slid down to his chin and fell from his jaw onto his Gryffindor jumper. He drew a deep breath and looked away again.

“Bloody hell, Potter, you’re breaking my heart,” Sirius said.

James got up and went to his trunk and pulled out his pyjamas, stripping off his jumper and oxford to replace it with a t-shirt that read Gryffindor Quidditch across the chest. He shook out a pair of striped pyjama pants and took off his glasses, laying them on his nightstand.

“You know you are lovable, don’t you?” Sirius asked. “Deep down, you must know.”

James shrugged.

“I love you, James,” Sirius said gently. “Not, like, because I’m gay or anything but because I love you, you’re my very best mate in all the world. Moony might be my love, but James -- I’d bloody die without you. You’re my second half. You know that, right?”

James looked up at Sirius and though he was blurry, all the way over there across the room and without his glasses on, he could see the sincerity in his fuzzy features. James throat burned, “I feel the same way, mate. But I need that kind of love -” he pointed to how Sirius’s arms curled around Remus’s shoulders protectively, and how Remus nestled perfectly into Sirius’s neck, his palm on Sirius’s chest, holding on.

“You’ll get it one day,” Sirius said, “You just have to be patient, I reckon.”

“I’ve been patient,” James answered.

“Be more patient,” Sirius replied.

James sighed, “I’m just so tired of being patient. You know? Especially with everything going on. Any day could be our last day… and there’s just so much time being wasted in the waiting and the patience. So many kisses that could’ve been shared, so many times I could have held her in my arms…” he stared across the room. “I know I need to give her up, but I can’t. Every time I look at Evans, Sirius. Every time… all I can picture is how warm she felt against my chest that day in Mopsus’s classroom… how her hair smelled…” He shook his head, “And she’s so… she bloody needs me, too. She’s so worried about things and it fucking hurts not to be there for her, to just stand there with my big stupid antlers and not be able to take her in my arms when she cries…” he looked over at Sirius. “Imagine, not being able to hold Rey when he hurt, only watching it happen and… and wanting to hold him because you know how much pain he’s in and you just wanna make it better and you can’t.”

Sirius shook his head, “I can’t imagine that, mate.”

“Well, that’s what it’s like loving Evans,” whispered James, and he climbed into his bed and pulled the covers up to his chin, hugging his knees.

Sirius sighed and hugged Remus tighter to him.

“James,” he said after a long silence. There wasn’t a reply. He thought maybe his mate had gone to sleep already, but just in case, he said, “If you told her all that you just told me… and she still didn’t love you… then she’d be absolutely mental. And she wouldn’t deserve you anyway. If she knew, if she had any idea how bloody brilliant a love she’s passing by, she wouldn’t turn you away.”

James blinked through tears, staring off into the dark.