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Because of All That You Are


Dissilio!”

The spell shot from Remus’s wand, striking the clock and with an echoing burst of sound, the clock shattered with a bright-blue light that was so brilliantly bright that it was almost unreal, and the shafts of light shot in all directions, the energy of the explosion making them all take a couple steps back - James stepping protectively to the left so that Lily and Peter were both blocked by his own body… Sirius raised his arms to cover his own head and Remus squinted against the light.

Cogs and springs and clock hands blasted through the air, stinging as they clipped Remus’s skin on their way to the ground. The pendulum flew off, too, and Remus ducked as it went by… turning to see where it’d gone and that was when he heard a voice behind him.

“Remus.”

His heart raced.

Slowly, he turned around.

Lyall Lupin stood before him, vaguely transparent and a bit shivery about the edges but there, in his nice blue suit. Remus’s breath left him as he stared into the eyes of his father - standing lankier and thinner than Remus remembered, though he recognized the fact that it was probably less that Lyall looked different than it was that Remus himself was of a different stature, was seeing Lyall from a vantage of height as he’d never done before. As though to emphasize this thought, Lyall Lupin smiled tremulously, looking his son from head to foot and nodding in approval, “My, my…. Just look how tall you’ve gotten since I’ve last seen you!”

Remus stared, still unsure what to say, even now, even facing his father.

Lily, Sirius, James, and Peter hovered behind, all wide-eyed, staring up at Lyall Lupin in disbelief.

Lyall reached out a shaking, half transparent palm and gently ran his hand across his son’s face… and then brought up the other hand, until he was cupping his cheeks in both palms. “My son… why are you crying?”

Remus’s face was crumpled, “Because I don’t want to waste my time with you, but I don’t know what to say, either… I’m sorry.”

Lyall smiled and he said, “It isn’t you who should be sorry, Remus.”

Remus’s breaths came out in thick puffs, his chest constricting. “What should I be?”

“You’re you, that’s all that you ever need to be.” Lyall stroked his son’s face softly. “I was a fool, Remus. A fool and a coward. You deserved better than the way I treated you… you always did. I always doubted you but you’ve shown me that I was wrong for doubting you, for thinking less of you for being who you are… and, worst of all, I was wrong for making you doubt and think less of yourself. I am sorry, my son.”

Remus shivered. He stared into his father’s eyes, his hands still cupped about his face. “Father, I miss you,” he choked out the words.

Lyall’s hands trembled, “I’ll always be here… in your heart. I’m a part of you, after all. Me and your mother both… We’re in your heart, Remus, always.”

“But I miss you being here, for real… I miss you being --” Remus couldn’t see for the tears in his eyes, couldn’t speak for the sob trapped in his throat and he stopped mid-sentence.

“Shh, my boy.” Lyall swept his thumbs over Remus’s tears.

“I’m sorry.”

“You’ve nothing to be sorry for.”

Lyall’s hands slipped from Remus’s face and Remus panicked, “NO!” he yelled, “No! Don’t go yet, I’m not finished, please. Just a few more minutes. Please!!” He reached out and grabbed for his father’s hands but his hands passed through them like they weren’t even there, like they were smoke and a cold went through Remus unlike any he’d ever felt before. He tripped to his knees before the spirit and Sirius jumped forward, yanking the sweater from ‘round his waist and putting it over Rey’s shoulders as he knelt beside him. “DON’T GO YET!” Remus shouted.

Lyall stood there still - he looked to the sky, and he whispered, “I don’t have much more time, Remus… only mere moments…” he bent down so that he, too, was on his knees, facing Remus and Sirius both. Lyall looked at Sirius, who stared at him fiercely, challenging him to say something about his arms being around Lyall’s son’s shoulders, to say something about what they’d become, about their love…

Lyall’s eyes fell on his ring on Sirius’s finger and his eyes softened and he looked at Sirius with a gentle expression. “Take care of my son, Sirius Black.”

Sirius nodded.

Lyall turned back to his son. “Remus,” he said.

“Not yet.”

“I have to go,” Lyall said quietly.

“Please… just a few more minutes. Tell me about my mum, tell me about how you met, just one more time. Please. Just once more. Tell me how you knew. Tell me the story… about… about Harold Minchum the moose in the bar and all the - -the shot -- the shot glasses, tell me… about about your days with Newt Scamander, about anything. Tell me anything. Just please, just don’t go…”

Lyall kissed Remus’s forehead.

“I love you,” he said.

“I love you,” Remus said back.

“I’m proud of you,” Lyall said.

“Truly?” Remus asked, “Even though… even though I’m… all that I am?”

“No,” Lyall said, “Because you’re all that you are.”

Remus blinked back the blur of tears…

“Goodbye, Remus.”

“No.” When Remus opened his eyes, though… his father was gone and he collapsed forward onto the pebbly sand, Sirius clutching him, falling forward with him, catching his face so that Remus didn’t hit his forehead on a rock.

Lily turned and pressed her face into James’s broadchest, crying, her shoulders heaving, feeling Remus’s pain and Peter stared, his nose dripping, sniffling. James stared at the spot where Lyall Lupin had been, and he closed his eyes as Remus’s cries echoed over the water of the Black Lake, the clock’s broken pieces still laying on the rock.

Lily took a step forward after several long minutes had passed of the five of them standing in the silence of the late afternoon sun. She drew her wand and she spun it in the air, whispering an incantation… and a beautiful ring of wild flowers appeared - made up of the brightest, most beautiful colours in the world. She carefully plucked it from the air before her and she gently laid it upon the rock around the clock base.




Sirius and James held Remus’s arms over their shoulders all the way back to the castle. Remus was still breathing shakily, and he hadn’t said a word, just walked along over bracken and stone. They were all thinking about Lyall Lupin and the power of the words he’d said. Sirius spun his thumb over the ring on his left hand as they walked.

When they reached the castle, they brought Remus right to the Gryffindor fifth year dormitory. They didn’t even bother trying to hide from Filch, since they’d been out doing something Dumbledore had requested they do - and besides, Sirius couldn’t imagine making Remus maneuver through the Trophy Room Passageway in his state. They didn’t run into a single person, however, the entire way to the top.

Sirius and James tucked Remus into his bed. He lay staring, his eyes unfocused, tears staining his face. Sirius bent close, “I’ll be back very soon, Rey. I promise. I just have to run to give Dumbledore the cogs…” Remus blinked slowly, not really reacting. Sirius turned to look at James and Peter, “I’ll be right back.”

“We’ll stay with him,” James promised, sitting on the edge of Remus’s bed.

Sirius took the cogs from his leather jacket’s pocket and he shoved them into his jeans pocket, biting his wand in his teeth as he refastened the knot of his hair at the back of his head, trotting out of the dormitory and down the stairs to the common room. He’d just got the knot made and was shoving his wand through it when Lily appeared at his side again. She’d been waiting in the common room for him. “Is Rey alright?”

Sirius shrugged.

Lily wiped her eyes with a tissue. “That was… incredible and heart breaking at exactly the same time.”

Sirius nodded. He pulled open the portrait hole and climbed through, followed by Lily, and he drew the Marauder’s Map from his pocket. “I solemnly swear I am up to no good,” he whispered and the text and pictures blossomed out of the blank parchment as he shook it out, eyes roving for the dots that would indicate Filch and his stupid cat. They were way down on the first floor by the Muggle Artefacts Museum - too far off to be any trouble heading to the headmaster’s office, where he could still see Dumbledore, Tina, and Newt Scamander. “Mischief managed,” whispered Sirius and the parchment went blank once more.

Lily’s eyes were wide. “I -- I -- blimey, Sirius, how did you --?”

“Remus’s spells,” Sirius answered. “He’s ruddy brilliant.”

Lily nodded in disbelief.

Sirius led the way through the castle. He hadn’t asked her to come, but she came just the same, matching his gait as he walked. He pulled the cogs out of his pocket and stared down at them. He drew a deep breath as they walked.

Lily reached for Sirius’s hand about halfway down and held it in her own. He looked down at her, a question in his eyes. “Just keeping you company, Sirius,” she said.

He nodded, then he sort of half-smiled and let her go on holding his hand.

When they reached the stone gargoyles, Lily said, “Pepper imps, please,” and the great beasts most aside and the door in the wall opened and they went up the stone stairs together. She looked at Sirius as they went, the stair carrying them itself, and she whispered, “You were really brave for him tonight.”

“He needed me,” Sirius replied simply.

The stair had reached the landing and they stepped off and up to Dumbledore’s office door. Lily knocked and Dumbledore’s voice came from within. “Come in.”

Newt Scamander looked up as they entered. “Did - did it work?” he asked.

Sirius nodded and crossed the room, dropping three cogs and a spring onto the desk. Tina, Newt, and Dumbledore all stared at the pieces. Newt took a deep breath and he nodded, “How - how was it?”

Sirius said, “It was… good. It was very good, rather. I think… I think Remus will feel better once he’s had some time to process it.”

Dumbledore nodded. “Then it was not in vain.”

“No sir, it wasn’t. Mr. Lupin got to say… well, everything that Remus needed to hear, really.”

“Very good,” Dumbledore said.

Mr. Scamander held out a small box. “Aconite leaves. Should be a couple months’ supply. At least through Christmas holiday, hopefully. I’ll try to send more when I can.” He smiled.

Sirius took the box. “Thank you.”

Lily hovered shyly by the door until Sirius had said goodnight and goodbye to Mr. and Mrs. Scamander. Then they walked back to the common room together and Sirius sighed as they reached the portrait hole, staring at the box of aconite leaves. He’d forgotten the very next night was the full moon again already and as horribly traumatic as the afternoon’s events had been, Remus still had another whole night of horrid things to go through before he would be done for another month. Sirius paused in the corridor before giving the password and he leaned against the wall, covering his face with his hands.

“Sirius,” Lily said his name gently, looking up at him.

“It’s always gotta be Remus that fate fucks with. Why? Why can’t it ruddy pick on somebody else for once?” he choked.

Lily sighed. “Dunno. The universe is cruel that way, I suppose.”

“I just want him to be happy.”

“I know. Me, too.” She paused, “But he has you.”

“Yeah. He’s got me.”

Lily smiled, “That’s something.”

“Fucking prize, I am.”

“He thinks you are.”

“Absolutely mental werewolf.”

Lily laughed, then reached up and tucked a stray bit of Sirius’s hair behind his ear. “You know, Mr. Black, I think you may have a soft side to you after all.”

“Don’t tell anyone.”

Lily laughed, “I think the ones that matter already know.”

Sirius smirked, “Ahhh...maybe, I dunno. I’m kinda an arsehole.”

“Yes,” Lily agreed, “You’re definitely an arsehole but you’re a -- a good one, I guess?” She laughed at the absurdity of it, “I dunno, Sirius, just take the ruddy compliment, will you?”

“Fine, I will.” Sirius laughed. “And -- hey, you’re just as fucking mental as the rest of us are, you know that, Evans? You fit right in with our little group. It’s too bloody bad you and James aren’t together. You’d be the power couple of the ruddy century, you would.”

“Shut up, Sirius,” she said, her cheeks going red.

Sirius smirked. “I’m just saying.”

She turned and gave the Fat Lady the password without commenting further on Sirius’s words and they went inside the common room. It was dark in there now, the fire dying everyone in bed and Sirius turned toward the boys dormitory steps as she went off to the girls. “Night Evans,” he called over his shoulder.

“Night Black.”

In the dorm, Peter was asleep and James was nearly there. “Deliver the cogs?” he murmured.

“I did,” Sirius nodded and went over to slip James’s glasses from his nose. He folded them carefully and put them on the nightstand, then pulled James’s blankets up for him and ruffled his hair. “Idiot,” he muttered lovingly, then he turned and made sure Peter was tucked in alright before turning to Remus.

Rey was still awake, still staring into space.

Sirius took a deep breath. He knew exactly what Remus needed. He transformed into Snuffles and leaped up onto the bed, his great shaggy fur warm and soft and he shimmied his way up the front of Remus, nuzzling his way under Rey’s arms so that Remus was huggng him and Rey couldn’t help but chuckle as Sirius stuck his wet doggy nose into Rey’s neck and snuggled close to his chest, licking his face and nudging him with his nuzzle until a smile broke over Remus’s lips.

“I love you Padfoot,” Remus murmured and Sirius snuffled against Remus’s cheek as he fell asleep.