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Greasy Headed Garbage Monkey


James was under the invisibility cloak under his bed.

It took the boys several minutes to find him and they’d only done because Peter had sat on the bed and made the mattress groan threateningly and James had muttered, “Please don’t crush me,” from underneath. Sirius stuck his hands under and grasped about ‘til he found James’s ankles and tugged him out, sliding him across the carpet on his belly like a slug.

“What in hell are you doing, Potter?” Sirius asked.

Remus looked on from where he’d perched himself at the desk, sitting backwards so his chin rested on his arms, which were folded over the back of the chair. Peter scrambled to lean over the footboard of the bed and Sirius stared down, standing over James and holding the shimmery silver cloak in his fists with concern.

“Being invisible, thank you,” James held out his hand, “Now give me back my cloak.”

Sirius flung the cloak over one shoulder (which looked very odd indeed) and paced away, “No… no, I don’t think so. You see, I’ve just come onboard a train for many, many miles to spend holiday with my mate, not with a whimpering invisible lump.” Sirius folded the cloak and shoved it into the top drawer of James’s dresser, then turned back around. “Now. Tell us what happened.”

Peter turned and got James’s glasses from the nightstand, where he’d put them before going under the bed, and handed them to James, who shoved them on his face. He sighed, “It’s Evans.”

“Of course it’s Evans,” Sirius said, rolling his eyes, “It’s always bleedin’ Evans. What did the little beast do now?” Remus made a face at Sirius for calling her the name, but Sirius just shrugged, “What? I could’ve said bitch but I refrained, didn’t I?”

“Well not now you haven’t,” Remus replied. “You shouldn’t call her that. It’s not polite.”

“Polite!” Sirius hooted. “And breaking our dear James’s heart is polite, I s’pose?”

“Now is not the time for puns, you idiot,” hissed Remus, motioning at James’s despondant state.

“Puns? I didn’t make a --” Sirius’s face dawned with realization, “Oh damn, but I did doe, didn’t I?” He looked at James. “Potter. Do you find puns fawny right now? Or shall I be more Sirius?”

James looked up at Sirius with a wide watery eyes.

Sirius looked abashed. “Okay. Not in the mood for joking. Got it.”

Remus cleared his throat.

“You were right,” Sirius said in a rehearsed voice.

“And?”

“I’m sorry, Potter,” Sirius added. He looked at Remus, “Bugger.”

Remus looked pleased though.

Peter murmured, “You’ve got him well trained.”

Sirius eyed Peter.

“Alright, James, what went on?” Remus asked.

“Is this on account of Snape and him being an arsehole?” Sirius asked.

“Sort of,” James said with a sigh. He sat up, folding his legs, and staring down at his Gryffindor-red pyjama bottoms and stocking feet, then pulled the letter out of his pocket and handed it up to Remus, who unfolded it, and read outloud:

Dear James, I know what you did. I can’t believe how terrible a mistake I almost made, falling for your charm! A load of lies and pretty magic. You’re a horrible person, and until things change I don’t know that I can even look at you. I’m so angry! Lily Evans.

Remus looked up. “Alright, Sirius is right. This was sort of a bitch move. What a horrible letter.”

“What did you do?” Peter asked.

Sirius was seething. He snapped the letter out of Remus’s hand and paced with it, staring down at her neat handwriting.

“Got beat up,” James shrugged, “Got attacked by Snape.”

He attacked you and you end up with a letter like that?” Peter said, incredulous.

“Well in Snape’s version, we dueled and I brutally attacked him,” James said.

“Well show her your blast face!” Sirius said, “You’re a right mess! Look at you!”

“I did show her my face!” James exclaimed, “She said Snape looks worse.”

“Snivellus always bloody looks worse, he’s ugly as a flobberworm!” Sirius said angrily.

“How does he look worse?” Remus asked in concern.

“Probably blasted himself in the face is my guess,” James said with melancholy. “He had a bit of a bust lip when I saw him last but nothing to be alarmed over so I’m guessing he did it to himself.”

“Fucker!” Sirius cursed.

Remus looked up at Sirius disapprovingly.

“What? I’m pissed! He’s broken my Prongsie’s heart, and nobody’s allowed to break Prongsie’s heart.” Angry, Sirius balled the letter up and threw it at the wall.

James scrambled for it, grabbing it from the floor and smoothing it out. “Don’t do that, c’mon. That’s mine.”

“What do you want it for? So you can wallow in misery?” Sirius said, “You’re not having it. Incendio.” He waved his wand and the note went up in flame.

“Stop that!” James exclaimed, trying to blow it out, but it was too quick, the letter was gone in seconds and he was left holding nothing but a curled black ashy page. “Well that was right immature.”

“No, you holding onto it and lying about under your bed crying over it was immature. She’s not worth your time if she’s going to talk to you like that for shit that you didn’t even do!” Sirius said. “Potter! You’re better than that! Blast her and her stupid greasy-headed-garbage-monkey. Snape can go to hell.”

James stared up at him. “Greasy-headed-garbage-monkey?” he repeated.

Sirius shrugged.

“While the wording is odd, I have to say that I agree with the sentiment…” Remus muttered, “That was a really low move.”

Peter nodded.

James put the ashen bit of letter into the rubbish bin beneath his desk and sighed, watching it flutter to the bottom. “Top it off, my dad’s not feeling well.”

Sirius looked up from where he was pacing away and came to a stop. He, of course, knew Charlus had been sick again - Charlus had confided in Snuffles alone last year… and yeah he’d done some time at St. Mungo’s since then, but he hadn’t told James and Dora exactly how horrid his condition had been even after that. They knew only the barest minimum. Sirius tried to keep his face straight.

“What’s wrong with him?” asked Peter.

“Dragon Pox still,” James said. He ran his hands over his knees. “He hasn’t said anything… but… but mum said she can tell. She was right pissed when I wasn’t here this morning when she checked on me - I had run to go talk to Evans about --” and he gestured at the burned up ash in the rubbish, “-- and she really did me in for it. Said I can’t be running about disappearing where she doesn’t know where to find me in an emergency situation, said my dad’s been -- been coughing fire -- and he denies it but she’s found singed up handkerchiefs in his trouser pockets and a dousing potion that his healer gave him… She’s worried and - and she wants to make this Christmas real special, she said, because it -- it might be his last.” James’s eyebrows folded in concern. He looked up at Remus, their eyes meeting.

Remus frowned and got up, sliding off the chair to the floor and he put his arm ‘round James’s shoulders. “I’m sorry.”

James looked down at his lap as Remus hugged him.

Sirius had known all that already. He looked over his shoulder at the door in concern. If Charlus was as bad as he’d been when he’d confided in Snuffles… and he’d been able to hide it from Dora and James so well then… how much worse must he be now? A lump rose up in Sirius’s throat.

Peter shuffled closer to the end of the bed and put his hand on James’s head awkwardly. “I’m sorry, too, Prongs,” he said gently.

James took a deep breath.

Sirius stood there.

Remus looked up at Sirius meaningfully, then shifted his eyes back and forth to James.

Sirius shoved his hands in his leather jacket’s pockets and looked down at his boots, a twist to his mouth. “I dunno what to say.”

James shook his head, “I’m just glad you lot are here, I’ve been going mad all day…”

“I’m glad we’re here, too,” Remus said.

“And me, too,” Peter agreed. “Although I should go home soon. Mum’s gonna wonder where I am. Maybe. I dunno. She might not notice I’m not there.”

Sirius said, “Dammit.”

They all looked up at him.

“It just sucks! It all sucks! My family’s a load of tosh and Rey’s… well. I mean, I never met your mum personally, but she’s gone and your dad’s -- well, he sort of made up for it after, but he wasn’t very good in life, and -- and Peter’s mum and dad being bleeding selfish and horrible to him and then there’s the one good set, the one fucking good and perfect set and --” Sirius shook his head. “It’s not fair.”

Remus nodded and squeezed James’s shoulder again.

They fell into silence, all sitting (or standing, in Sirius’s case) still… Then James said, “Bloody hell, this is no way to start a holiday. All morose and ridiculous. It’s supposed to be a happy time of year, not utterly depressing.” He looked up at Sirius, “Say something funny,” he commanded.

Sirius paused, then… “What do you call an obnoxious reindeer?”

“If the punchline is my name --” James said warningly.

Sirius smirked, “Rudeolph.”

Remus closed his eyes and groaned as Peter and James cracked up and Sirius laughed, his eyes sparkling triumphantly.