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Jeremiah Was a Bullfrog


Sirius squeezed Lily’s hand to the bottom of the moving staircase and let it go before they stepped into the corridor, where the found James and Peter waiting for them. Sirius took a deep breath, clearing away the emotion that had just welled up inside him, and he announced loudly, “Well fuck all of them!” he said, “Ten points! Balls to that. We deserve bloody more than ten points each for taking out that scumbag, Greyback! And you, Prongs, you deserve a bleedin’ gadzillion points for all your doings, like Evans said. Fuck’em all! Except Newt, he’s alright.”

James laughed.

Peter said, “Well, I mean, it is forty points over all… we’re not so far behind now as we were before…”

Sirius rolled his eyes. He looked at Lily. “Lilith Absynth Evans, are you happy with the rewards we’ve been given?”

Giving up on correcting him, Lily replied, “No, I’m not, Sirius Orion Black, quite frankly, I’m not.”

“And what’re we going ot do about it?” Sirius demanded, his voice climbing in imperial nature.

Lily had no idea. She racked her brain a moment and finally she said, “We’ll… we’ll celebrate. We’ll celebrate how bloody brilliant we all are!”

James stared at her in surprise, then looked to Sirius, “What have you done?”

Sirius grinned, “I’ve corrupted her. Clearly, my fabulous talent for fuckery has gotten to and altered Lily Evans. Was it the Filibusters, my darling?”

“I’m just frustrated! James has done nothing but incredible things this term and he gets TEN POINTS for Gryffindor! As though Gryffindor had bloody anything to do with James’s heroics!” She nodded, “Yes, that’s it, fuck’em all, Sirius is right.”

Sirius threw his arm about Lily’s shoulders, “Yessss. Preach it, sister, preach it. Let’s go.”

“Go where?” Peter squeaked as Sirius started leading the way, pulling Lily along, down the hall. James and Peter looked at one another and scrambled along after them. “Sirius?”

“TO THE COMMON ROOM,” Sirius shouted. “WE’RE THROWING A PARTY!”

“It’s like two in the morning, Padfoot,” laughed James. “Everyone’s asleep.”

“So… what’ll we need to do to get everyone to come to our party?” Sirius demanded, looking at Lily.

“WAKE’EM UP!” Lily cried.

“Sirius, have you imperiused Evans?” James asked, trotting along after them, leaning over their shoulders as Peter ran full tilt to keep up on his stubby legs.

Lily and Sirius both laughed rather manically.

“Bloody hell, he’s really broken her,” James said.




The common room was dark when they got there, but not for long. Lily waved her wand, lighting every torch in the room, setting fire in the hearth. Sirius shouted, “Accio stereo!” and a moment later his stereo came hovering from upstairs and he set it up on the table where the homework was usually done, tossing books and quills and ink pots alike to the floor, clearing the table off and he leaped upon it and with a few flicks of his wand, music started playing - loud - so loud it echoed off the walls and he grinned and aimed his wand to this throat, “Sonorus.” His eyes were twinkling. “WAKE UP GRYFFINDORS! THERE’S A PARTY BEING THROWN!”

There were shouts from the dormitories, cries of dismay and disapproval, voices echoing through the floorboards and Sirius turned the stereo up even louder. A moment later, the staircases were filled with people streaming down from their beds in their pyjamas, their hair a mess, staring down to see what in Godric’s name Sirius Black was up to now.

“WAKE UP! WAKE UP!” Sirius shouted as music from the Beegees filled the common room.

Frank Longbottom was the first to shrug, run his hand through his hair, and run down the steps to join Lily and Sirius, who had jumped down from the table and started flailing about - dancing, if you dare to call it that - and soon a stream of others followed along. James looked at Peter as the common room filled with sleepy-headed merry-makers and he said, “Well. I mean…” and he shrugged, and danced into the mess of the crowd, too, breaking into his best moves as he went.

Peter was suddenly snatched up by McKenna, who grabbed his wrist and pulled him into the fray.

Everyone was having fun, dancing about the room, their arms and feet keeping time with the music. And Lily laughed as James Potter climbed up on the homework table and started dancing wildly, twisting his hips and waving his arms about his head, making several of the girls in the room squeal loudly as he did a very fine impression of Elvis Presley with his pelvis thrusts. “Oh Merlin, you idiot,” Lily laughed and James winked at her like he used to do back in first year…

It was probably after three when Sirius ran upstairs and returned a moment later, holding high two large bottles of firewhiskey in his fists, and a cheer went up through the Gryffindors as he shook and popped the caps off the bottles, sending a spray of the liquid from the the bottle, which he tapped with his thumb to strengthen the stream of. Frank Longbottom hooted his approval and soon Sirius was magicking up paper cups to pass out the bottles and Andy Woodhouse cast an unending charm on the bottles so that as they drank the bottles simply refilled themselves. The music played and played and played and they danced and drank and danced some more…

And then the stereo started playing a familiar tune and Sirius leaped up on the table beside James, holding up one of the bottles of firewhiskey as a microphone and they both started singing along very loudly, practically shouting at parts…

“Jeremiah was a bullfrog
Was a good friend of mine
I never understood A SINGLE WORD HE SAID
But I helped him a-drink his wine…
AND HE ALWAYS HAD SOME MIGHTY FINE WINE!”

James laughed, taking a long pull off the bottle of firewhiskey Sirius had been holding and Sirius bumped their hips together as he started singing the chorus, knocking James a bit so that firewhiskey spilled over James’s oxford, staining it with a brown-gold dribble down the front as James laughed so hard the liquor fell from his mouth, too.

“JOYYYYYYYYY TO THE WOOOOOOOOOORLD,” Sirius shouted along with the music, bump-bump-bumping James with his arse against James’s hip, “AAAAAALLL THE BOYS AND GIRLS now --”

And all the Gryffindors were singing, a great chorus of voices. “Joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea, joy to you and me!”

Sirius snatched back the bottle from James and threw himself across the table, skidding to the very end, “If I were the KING OF THE WORLD… Tell you what I’d doooo…

James knelt beside him, their arms about each other and laughing as they sang the next line, looking into each others eyes. “I’d throw away the cars and the bars and the war… and make sweet love to yooou!”

“Bloody hell,” Lily whispered, shaking her head.

“SING IT NOW!” Sirius shouted and he tumbled off the table, somehow miraculously landing on his feet and stumbling into Frank Longbottom, who laughed and uprighted him as they all sang the chorus again together. James got down ,too and as he did, he reached out a hand for Lily, pulling her into him before she knew what was going on and started dancing with her, holding onto her hands - and she was just silly enough to let him… Besides, his eyes were shining in a wonderful way, his face was flushed, and the whole bleedin’ world was spinning - colourful lights and people’s voices, the music and the stars and moonlight through the high windows outside…

“Joy to the world
To alllll the boys and girls…
Joy to the GIANT SQUID IN THE BLACK LAKE
Joy to you and me!!!!”

James swung her about and Lily laughed and got quite dizzy as they spun and spun and spun… His face was the only thing she could focus on - it was the only thing spinning at the same speed she was, and their hands were clutched together in the middle and she felt so free and so wild and… and James Potter was shouting more song lyrics… “You know I love the ladies! Love to have my fun… I’m a high life flyer and a rainbow rider, a straight shooti’n son-of-a-gun… I’m said I’m a --”

But he didn’t get to finish the sentence.

For Lily Evans had stopped them spinning and she’d fallen into him and they’d stumbled backwards into the Gryffindor stairs and without thinking, without hesitating or analyzing or allowing herself to stop from doing it… she’d pressed her mouth to his… and Lily Evans was kissing James Potter there on the stairs, his back pressed to the steps, the wood digging into his spine, the world feeling a bit like a seesaw, teetering up and down and up and down and all around.

“Joy to the world…
All the boys and girls
Joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea
Joy to you and me!
Joy to the world…”

Sirius was still singing, still spinning, dancing now with Peter Pettigrew, and he stumbled over his own two feet and he saw James and Lily on the stairs and he laughed and shouted, “Bloody hell, I’ll be owing Remus a galleon next! And I haven’t even got one!”




“What in hell happened in here?”

Sirius groaned.

“Bloody hell, look at this place, it’s an absolute mess… Why are all our socks on the floor? Padfoot. Wake up.”

“No. Fuck off.” Sirius pulled a pillow up on his head.

“Sirius. Wake up.”

Far away, someone was still singing Joy to the World in a wobbly, drunken voice. He could hear it echoing through the walls. It sounded like Jackson Maw, but who could tell? Especially through the ridiculous thumping of his skull. “Oh bleedin’ Merlin,” he groaned. “What time is it?”

“Nearly noon. Sirius, all of our socks are on the floor. Why?”

Sirius winced against sunlight. “The firewhiskey was in the drawer and the drawer was stuck so I reductoed it open and… the socks all fell down.”

“How bleeding much firewhiskey did you lot have? Half the house is hung over in the common room and the other half are still in bed, like you lot.”

Sirius squinted across the room at the shape of Remus Lupin, who was a bit blurry due to his shoddy vision with the splitting headache. Remus had his hands on his hips. “There was a charm placed upon the bottles, they didn’t empty. Impossible to say how much of it we drank, really.”

“Bloody hell.”

“STOP TALKING,” Peter Pettigrew cried. “Or I’ll hex you both.”

“Ooh scary, Wormtail’s going to hex us,” Sirius rumbled, snickering, “Go on and try, Wormy, you’re barely capable when you’re sober.”

Peter didn’t try. He rolled over and pulled the covers over his head.

Remus sighed. “Reparo,” he said, waving his wand and sending the bits of broken drawer back together. “I had them all colour arranged, too,” he said, picking through the socks and starting to organize the drawer.

“Moony come lie on me,” Sirius begged.

“I’m busy with the socks you’ve tossed everywhere,” Remus answered.

“Moony… please come over here, I need my Moony. I’ve been deprived. And I was a tosser before you left, on Valentines, and I need to say I’m sorry like you’ve trained me to.”

Remus threw the socks back down and came over to the bed, crawling on top of Sirius and leaning down so he was staring into his flushed, slightly bloated face. Remus shook his head and brushed some of the hair away as his big dark eyes blinked up at him. “Well?”

“I’m sorry, Moonshine. Now fuck me.” The crude words were sloppy falling from his mouth and he drew out the ffffff for far too long and Remus couldn’t help but smirk at him.

“You have a dirty mouth.”

“What if I said please, like a good boy?”

“You know it’s against the rules.”

“Rules are made for breaking.”

“And you’ve broken a good deal of them already today, I see,” Remus said, “Shattered them, really. It looks like you’ve thrown quite a party.”

“The best party there ever was,” Sirius nodded.

“And there I was in my wolf form in Newt Scamander’s case thinking you might’ve been missing me.”

“I did miss you. I had to drown my sorrows in whiskey. They didn’t stand a chance. I missed you so much I had to break rules. Loads of rules. So many rules...” Sirius strained to try and kiss Remus, but Remus shook his head and covered Sirius’s mouth with his palm.

“You breath, Sirius, Merlin’s beard. You could kill an erumpent.”

Sirius laughed. “Kiss me or I’ll unfold all your socks.”

“If you unfold my socks, I’ll kill you.”

Sirius said, “Not if I breathe on you first.”

Remus moved his hand and kissed Sirius. “Looks like I’m immune,” he whispered.

When Remus’s mouth pressed to Sirius’s, Sirius suddenly remembered what he’d seen and he sat up, knocking Remus to one side, his eyes wide, and he looked about the dormitory, and shouted, “PRONGS?”

“STOP SHOUTING!” came Peter’s voice from beneath his covers. “Bloody hell.”

“PRONGS?!?” Sirius cried.

Remus stared up at him, “Blimey, I finally kiss you and you start yelling out James’s name? Should I be concerned?”

“Where the fuck is that bleedin’ stag?” Sirius asked, rolling out of bed, tripping on some of the socks and an empty bottle of firewhiskey and stumbling ‘round the room to rip James’s duvet from his bed, finding the mattress beneath quite empty. “WHERE IS HE?”

“How should I know?” Remus asked, sitting up.

“STOP SHOUTING!!!” Peter cried again.

Sirius looked at Remus. “But… but we need to find him! He’s snogged Lily Evans!”

Remus stared.

Peter lowered his bed covers to peer up at Sirius in awe.

“JAAAAAAAAAMES?!” Remus shouted, standing up, and Peter rolled out of bed, too, and all three of them started frantically searching for James Potter.