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Feeding Achyls


That night, Sirius lay in his bed in the dorm, alone, because Remus was still way off in the hospital wing, and he stared at the moonlight reflected on the ceiling and he felt sick to his stomach. It had been bothering him since James had said it - what would happen after school? Seventh year had seemed like centuries and eons and infinities away until that moment, when the silence had fallen over the four of them in the hospital wing. He talked a long line about being invincible all the time, but he suddenly felt quite vicible, or whatever. He sat up, unable to sleep, and he reached over the gap between beds and nudged James’s sleeping shoulder.

“Potter.”

There didn’t come an answer.

“Are you awake James?”

No answer.

“Peter?” he tried.

Also no answer.

Sirius rolled out of bed and got up, pausing to draw a bottle of firewhiskey out of the desk drawer, and went over to the window, jumping up to sit on the sill, his feet pressed against one side of the window frame, his back against the other, his side smushed to the cold window glass. He pressed his nose against it, his breath fogging it up as his eyes peered down, down, down…

If this window broke right now, I’d fall for infinity. I’d fall until I died. I’d fall ‘til I hit that turret over there and ended up speared like a fish, he thought morbidly. He closed his eyes. He wished Remus was there. Remus always made him feel better.

He unscrewed the lid on the firewhiskey bottle and took a long swig of the amber liquid. He closed his eyes and swirled the bottle around between his knees for a moment, then his eyes turned back to the window pane.

Would anyone miss me?

Stop that. Of course they would miss you.

But just the three of them. Nobody else.

Sirius couldn’t deny that.

The three are all that matters, was how he quenched that particular thought.

Sirius took another long swig of the whiskey.

He wondered what he would do without the other three Marauders, how different his life would’ve been if it wasn’t for them existing in his life… He was so thankful that Peter, James, and Remus were his mates. The best mates a fella could ask for. They were everything to him, everything, and fuck anybody that thought they could come between them, anybody that thought they could break up the Marauders, or hurt any one of them…

Fuck Severus Snape, Sirius thought, remembering the expression of absolute contempt Snape had worn in the entrance hall… “Convenient, isn’t it? Mr. Lupin getting sick just before the full moon..?” Snape’s voice rang in Sirius’s ears.

He drank more whiskey.

He was getting uncomfortable on the window sill as he was by then, so he peeled himself away, sliding down to the floor, gripping the firewhiskey by the neck. He staggered past the end of Remus’s made bed and past Peter and James’s to the door and he made his way (slowly) down the stairs to the common room. It was dark and quiet and the fireplace was empty and he went over to the carpet before it and he put the firewhiskey bottle to his mouth one more time and then put it down on the coffee table. He was dizzy, so he slowly laid down on the carpet on his back and stared at the ceiling, his palms on his chest, just breathing, floating on the firewhiskey and trying to forget everything there was to forget.

It seemed like there was such a lot to forget.

Suddenly there was a light bobbling above him and he squinted up at it and found himself looking up at Lily Evans in her night gown, holding up her lighted wand. “Sirius?” she asked, surprised.

He stared up at her, struggling to focus, then he finally slurred out, “Evans?” his voice was rough ‘round the edges.

Lily sighed and looked at the nearly drained bottle of firewhiskey on the coffee table and shook her head. She sank down to sit on the floor beside him. To Sirius’s surprise, she picked the bottle up and took a sip from it. She made a face. “Ugh, that’s positively disgusting.”

He stared at her.

Lily took a second small sip, made a face again, and put it back down on the coffee table. “Ugh. I dunno how you drink that rubbish.”

“Because it feels good after its down,” Sirius murmured, his words sort of strung together and blurry.

Lily sighed heavily and laid down beside him, her ginger hair fanning out around her head. “I couldn’t sleep either,” she said.

Sirius stared all the harder up at the ceiling. There were stars painting on the ceiling, like gold dust constellations and in his drunken state, they seemed to be moving… he wrapped his fingers into the threads of the carpet.

“I couldn’t sleep because I just keep thinking about the career counseling pamphlets,” Lily confessed. “I don’t know what I want to be when I get older.”

Sirius murmured, “I’m going to be a shop assistant like bloody Peter Pettigrew.”

Lily rolled her eyes, “You’ll be something great, Sirius.”

“I won’t.”

“You already are.”

He looked over at her. “Yeah? What am I? And don’t say drunk.”

“Well you’re that, too, but you’re Sirius and… well, that’s pretty great.”

Sirius laughed, rolling his eyes, and looked away from her again. “Fuck that Evans.”

“That’s Remus’s job, I hear,” she joked.

Sirius couldn’t help it. He laughed.

Lily smiled.

“Alright Evans, you win.” Sirius rolled onto his side to face her. “What do you want to do with your life?” he asked, “Even if there wasn’t anything in the brochures about whatever it is. What’s your dream?”

Lily thought about it a long moment. “I want a family.”

“Yeah?”

She nodded, “A family with a husband who loves me and looks at me the way Peter looks at food. And I want children. Maybe three so they always have friends. And a cat… named --” she paused. She’d been about to say Roger because she’d heard that somewhere, but she caught herself before she said it as she realized where she’d heard it before and she blushed and looked away from Sirius.

He stared at her for a long moment. Did he know what she’d been about to say? She worried. A smirk crawled across his face. A flush crawled over Lily’s nose.

“Cats are stupid,” he said finally, “You should get a dog.”

“I already have a dog,” she teased and she reached over and patted him.

Sirius chortled.

“Anyway, I want to be a mother and a wife and a good pet-owner. I want to see the world and experience things and meet people and sunbathe on a beach and dance. But I don’t know what I want to do for all my life besides that.”

Sirius nodded. “I understand. I don’t either.”

“I wish this was easier.”

“Yeah. Nothing’s easy.” Sirius closed his eyes as the floor felt like it spun beneath him suddenly and he waited for the sensation of it to cease. To distract himself, he said, “Potter fancies himself an auror, you know.”

Lily’s voice was a bit shaken, “An auror? That’s a dangerous profession! Especially in these times. He could end up in it with a Death Eater and end up killed!”

Sirius shrugged, “He was going on about it all excited.”

“Excited to get himself blown up or something, is he?” Lily said in a sassy tone. She made a face. “He’s such a selfish, barmy idiot.”

Sirius raised an eyebrow, “I know I’m drunk, so that might be part of it, but… I’m sorry, I don’t follow. Why is he selfish for wanting to be an auror?”

“Because,” Lily said, “What about his family? What about his wife and children? What’re they supposed to do while he’s off trying to save the world? Sit about and worry after him, that’s what! The children need their father, not a bloody jar of ashes on the mantel and a bunch of hero’s tales.” She was scowling in disapproval.

Sirius said, “Yeah, those three kids and the cat need him.” He stared at her with a raised eyebrow.

Lily flushed. “I didn’t mean that. I meant his family, with… with whoever he ends up with.”

“You got awful fired up.”

“I just feel bad for whoever he marries.”

Sirius nodded. “Right.”

“What about Remus? Have you shown him the pamphlet yet? Did he pick something out?”

“He fancies himself a teacher.”

“He’d be good at that,” Lily said.

Sirius nodded.

“Professor Lupin,” said Lily, smiling, “It has a nice ring to it.”

“Yeah. He’s wanted to be a teacher since Professor Veigler was here. Wants to be a Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher,” Sirius told her.

Lily smiled, “He’d be brilliant at it. I can just picture him in a nice tweed suit and tie, his hair done all nice, carrying a briefcase…” she smiled fondly at the idea of it. “Yeah, he’d make a good teacher.” She nodded, “He’s so good with the first years - when he can get to his prefect duties, I mean. When he isn’t busy tending you.”

Sirius smirked evilly, “Tending me? Is that what we’re going to call it?”

She pushed his shoulder, “Don’t be filthy, Black.”

Sirius laughed.

“What do you want to be, Sirius?” she asked.

He thought about it for a long moment, thought about the heaviness he felt all over, about the dementor in his chest, and the feeling as though everything he was was exactly the things keeping him back from everything he wanted to be. He thought about the grip his mum had on him, her ability to write horrid words on parchment and even hundreds of miles away, she still managed to have a hold of him. He thought about all the terrible things that held him back.

“Free,” he said finally. “I want to be free.”

Lily sighed and rolled over so she was closer to him. She wrapped her arm over him and snuggled herself into the crook of his arm, using him like a pillow. He stiffened. “What’re you doing?” he asked.

“Snuggling.”

Sirius tilted his head to look at her, “Evans, I’m gay.”

“Yes, I know you’re gay, and you’re Rey’s and I’m not interested in you that way anyway. I just think you need a hug and I do too. So we’re snuggling as friends.”

“Snuggling as friends.”

“Yes.”

Sirius thought about it a minute, then drew a deep breath, relaxing a bit, and he carefully brought his arm around her and patted her arm. “Alright. Snuggling as friends, then. Brilliant.” He closed his eyes, his mind swooshing about with the firewhiskey still. “You’re the only girl I’ll ever snuggle with, you know that?”

Lily laughed, “One small step for womankind. The feminists would be quite proud.”

Sirius sighed.

She was listening to his heartbeat rhythmically. Slow and steady.

“Can you hear my dementor in there?” he asked.

Lily shook her head. “No.”

“It’s there.” Sirius said. He closed his eyes. “I think I shall name her Achlys.”

“Her?”

“Yes. I have a shementor.”

“A shementor?”

“Yes, what else would the dementors shag?”

There was a long pause. “You’re even more of an idiot than James.”

“Thank you.”

“Really it’s not a contest.” Lily paused. “Why Achlys?”

“The Greek Goddess of Misery and Death,” Sirius said.

“Cheerful.”

“Yeah.”

Lily listened closer to his heartbeat for a few moments and then she said, “Well I don’t believe in Achlys.”

Sirius said, “I do.”

Lily sighed. “I’m sorry you feel like you do, Sirius. I’m sorry your mum was so nasty to you in that letter. She was wrong to write it.” He was quiet for several beats and she noticed his heart rate picked up a bit and she looked up at him. “Sirius? What’s wrong?”

“She’s written me more,” he replied.

“More letters?”

Sirius nodded.

“Why? What purpose does she have for it?”

Sirius whispered, “Feeding Achyls, I suppose.” He paused, then said, shakily, “Says I’m a disappointment, as usual. Says she expected better of me, that she hopes I’ll see the err of my ways and return to her… Reminds me of my blood, reminds me I’m a Black, that I’m royalty in the wizarding world, a member a noble house of the sacred twenty-eight. Reminds me I’m not good enough to claim that right, that she’s disowned me, that I’m no longer hers, that I was never my father’s, that he stopped laying claim the moment he heard I had defended a muggle when I was just ten years old. She says I’m a disgrace, called me horrible, said the Black blood will win out one day and that my shame with consume me for the things I’ve done. Says no son of hers would be a homosexual, would be with other boys - calls Remus filth, calls me filth. Says she prays for my death to the gods, every god she knows - prays Voldemort will see to it that I am finished, and Remus, too. Says she hates me, that I cause her anguish, and... and she… she wishes that I had never been born.”

Lily squeezed him tighter. “I hate that woman for hurting you.”

Sirius stared at the stars on the ceiling. “I hate myself for sometimes agreeing with her.”

“No, Sirius,” Lily said, “Don’t you dare. Not ever.”

He closed his eyes.