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Go Ahead, Ask Him


The werewolf was terrible that night. His teeth flashing bright and his eyes yellow, angry, and piercing. It took the stag and the dog both to keep him under control. Sirius pleaded with him to come back, but Remus was lost deep beneath the werewolf’s instincts, lashing out harshly, like a great whirlwind of danger. Sirius now sat on the floor of the Shack, the first rays of sunlight peeking through the cracks in the boarded up windows, Remus lay on the floor, his head in Sirius’s lap. Sirius’s back rested against the front of the couch, his head on the seat cushion, staring up at the cracking plaster of the ceiling, his fingers absently running through the curls at Remus’s forehead. A lump had risen up in his throat.

It had been the hardest thing, sitting and rubbing the pains out of Remus’s back the night before, holding him through the horrible last minutes before the moonrise, knowing that when he woke up with the sun this morning it would be back to being separated, back to the division that had grown between them. Sirius had sat watching the sun through the gap in the window covering, slowly reaching long fingers of light over the forest, turning the sky violet, then pink and cream… He looked down at Remus’s face, his round-ended nose and pink blush across his cheeks, a soft smattering of freckles beneath his eyes, and of course those scars… garish and severe. Sirius knew those scars so well, he’d kissed them so many times, run his fingers across that one over Remus’s nose… licked that parenthesis that curved around his mouth…

”I hate my scars,” Remus had said that day.

“I love them,” Sirius had replied, “You’re the universe and they are your constellations.”


He wished the sun would never rise further than it had already, that he could stay there, holding Remus Lupin all his life.

Prongs woke up, the stag lifting his head from the floor. The rat on his head curled his tail sleepily around the antler, holding on right at the feeling of the movement beneath him. He stared across the room at the two boys in the first rays of sunlight, his wide brown eyes blinking calmly, taking in the sight of Sirius running his fingers over Remus’s hair. Sirius let his hands fall away as though he’d been caught and was guilty of some crime.

With a shudder, the stag transformed and there was James with a rat scrambling to cling his claws into his messy hair. James laughed and pulled Wormtail down from his head and the rat curled quickly into the pocket of James’s sweater, his tail sticking out, hanging over the pocket. James stretched. “How is he?”

“He seems okay,” Sirius said quietly.

“Did you sleep?”

Sirius shook his head.

James looked out the window. “Sun’s up. Gotta go to class soon.”

Sirius nodded slowly.

James stood up slowly, he walked over and patted Sirius’s head. “You’re staying here, aren’t you?”

Sirius looked up. “Yeah.”

“Alright. Well. I’ll - I’ll leave you to it, then.” James looked at Remus and cleared his throat. “Good luck.”

Sirius’s eyes searched James’s face. “Thanks.”

He watched as James dropped through the trapdoor, the wormy tail of the rat still sticking out of his pocket, and pulled the door shut behind him. Sirius turned back to look at Remus as he slept.

Maybe there was hope.

Maybe.

There isn’t hope, Achlys whispered.

But he needed me, Sirius thought. He needed me. He wanted me. Even if it was for a moment… he needed me.

Achlys laughed at him. It was hard to imagine a dementor laughing, but it was a cruel, breathy sort of feeling, rattling about his ribs.

He did. He did need me… Sirius defended himself quietly, almost pleading with Achlys.

Anybody could’ve done for him what you’ve just done, Achlys said. Anybody. You’re nothing special to him. You were the one that was there to do the job. He’s using you. He doesn’t want you. Nobody wants you. Who would want you? You’re nothing. You’re worthless.

Sirius ran his hand down Remus’s arm to his hand and laced his fingers through Remus’s, looking at Rey’s fingers for a moment.

He needs somebody, though. And I could be somebody.

Achlys laughed at him again. Go ahead. Ask him. See what he says.

Sirius’s heart thundered.

He would. He would ask. He would ask Remus if he wanted to stay together over summer. They’d run off like they did that one time, live in the woods with a tent. Or, better, Sirius still had almost all his galleons from the prize money helping James save the Minister. He could rent them a room at the Leaky Cauldron or somewhere else, anywhere else. They could have a holiday together - just them - just them to reconnect and heal. They could go to the beach, they could lay in the sand and wear sunglasses and funny shirts with big tropical flowers on them. It would be marvelous - just Remus and Sirius - and things would be better.

And Achlys wouldn’t come along.

The sunshine would be too happy for a dementor to survive.

It would get better.

He would get better.

His eyes searched Remus’s eyelids, excited for him to wake up to hear his idea.

It seemed to take forever and the entire time Achlys rested in Sirius’s chest, waiting.

When Remus’s eyes finally fluttered open, Sirius was staring down at him, and the sun had filled the living room of the Shrieking Shack, catching the dust in the rays once again. He struggled to sit up and Sirius put his hand on the space between his shoulder blades to help him sit up gently. Remus blushed a bit and shifted so he was sitting facing Sirius, but no longer touching him. He vaguely remembered the night before, the blinding pain, and the merciful touch of Sirius Black’s fingers working out the knots and horribleness in his muscles. He remembered clinging onto him and the way Sirius’s body had been stiff and still… uncertain…

Or unwilling.

Had Remus gone too far in pushing him away?

He stared at his toes, hugging his knees.

“Did the others change back and go inside for class?” he asked.

Sirius nodded. “Yeah. Well, James did. Wormtail was in his pocket.”

Remus smiled, “Hitching a ride.”

“It’s the Wormtail style,” replied Sirius.

Remus laughed quietly. He looked around the room, seeing new gashes in the wall from the stag’s antlers… “Was last night… bad?”

“It was alright,” Sirius answered. He said, “You’ve done worse… Moony.” He used the name warily, like touching his toes onto thin ice. He stared at Remus, waiting for a reaction.

Remus looked up.

Sirius felt his throat constrict. “Rey… I was thinking… the - the O.W.L.s, they’re… they start Monday… and then… next week… we - we get on the Express and we leave and we go… places… and… and I know you don’t have any place to - to go and --”

“Actually,” Remus said, “Ned Veigler offered for me to --” he paused.

“-- and I thought we --” Sirius had continued before he realized Remus had interrupted him.

Sirius’s eyes met Remus’s.

There was a long pause. Neither wanted to be the one to finish their sentence. Neither daring to.

He’s not going to pick you, sang Achlys in a voice that sounded disturbingly like Bellatrix Lestrange. He’s not going to pick you over Ned Veigler. You’re not a werewolf. You don’t have a castle to offer - a castle that’s going to be a school no less! When Remus wishes to be a teacher! Ned Veigler can give him the world… and you… you’re going to offer him a tent in the woods and a nice massage once a month? Go on. Make the offer. Give it a go.

Sirius opened his mouth.

“Sorry, what were you saying?” Remus said, voice trembling.

Ask me to stay with you, Remus thought. Ask me. Do it.

Sirius’s eyes searched Remus’s. The colour of his eyes was hovering in the middle range of hazel, flecks of green and brown mingled about… and he could see a plea there.

He’s asking you not to make him break your heart again, Achlys whispered. But go ahead, ask him anyway.

“Sirius?” Remus urged.

There was a long moment… a long, shaking moment…

And Sirius looked away, pushed himself up from the floor, in a smooth motion, stretching to his feet, reaching as high as he could toward the ceiling and twisting his hips. “Well. I’m glad you’ve got such a brilliant option, Rey. I’m just… I’m over the moon.” Sirius turning stomach threatened to empty itself and he smiled, forced. He started dancing toward the trapdoor nervously. “I’ve just realized I - I need to go… need to attend these classes… O.W.L.s are next week - like I said already… Last chance to… to pepper Flitwick and McGonagall with - with questions…” he took a deep breath, kicking open the trapdoor, dropping to sit on the edge of it. “But I’m glad you’re - you’re okay.”

“Sirius -” Remus started to say…

“See you inside, Moony,” Sirius said, shaking his head, and he slid into the passageway.

Told you so, Achlys whispered as Sirius ran through the tunnel.