- Text Size +
Funny Business


Lily woke up with the sun in her eyes and Sirius Black asleep beside her, his head against her chest, face nuzzled into the softness of her breasts. She cleared her throat and tapped him on the shoulder… he stirred with a hum. “Sirius,” she whispered, “Wake up.”

He opened his eyes slowly, focusing on the lacey neckline of her tank top… at the thin sliver of the top of her bra he could see peeking out from under the shirt… at the curve of her… realized where his face was… and sat up quickly, eyes wide. “Oh fuck,” he whispered. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to. I just - sleeping. They were - They were soft.”

Lily laughed.

“I’m still very gay. I promise.”

Lily was still laughing.

“In fact, I may even be gayer now.”

Lily smirked, “Relax, Sirius.”

“I can’t. Why are they so squishy? Isn’t it weird, walking about with big squishy things hanging off you like that?”

Lily shook her head, “You have things hanging off you, too.”

“Yes but it’s not squishy like those are.”

Lily shook her head, “And that’s where we’re going to call the conversation quits before this goes strange places that neither one of us are really prepared for.”

Sirius smirked, “You don’t want to talk about my ---”

“I see the pair of you finally woke up.”

Sirius and Lily both looked up to see Vernon Dursley in the door. Lily cleared her throat and wrapped her hands over herself, covering up. Vernon was wearing one of his pairs of swimming shorts and a hawaiian-print t-shirt with a pair of sandals. He stared at the two of them, then went to get his wallet and sunglasses from the top of the dresser. “Lily, your mother has asked me to wake you lot up. We’re all going to breakfast.”

He didn’t even address Sirius. Only Lily.

“Alright,” Lily said. She looked at Sirius, whose eyebrow as raised and he gave her a look that clearly said this guy is horrible and she smiled to agree, and got out of bed, tugging at the hem of her shorts, trying to pull them down a little, embarrassed to be dressed so scantily before Vernon Dursley, then scampered out of the room, leaving Sirius to it.

Sirius sat for a moment, then rolled out of the bed and pulled open his drawer. He got his patched up jeans and selected a t-shirt, one of the ones he’d made, and set to changing.

Vernon was combing his hair, which was shaggy and layered. He didn’t even look over at Sirius as he said, “I didn’t tell Mrs. Evans about her sneaking in here, but if she does it again, I will.”

Sirius looked up. He’d been focusing on tucking his shirt into his pant waist. “What?” he asked.

“You and Lily, sleeping together. I didn’t tell on you. But I should have and if it happens again, I’ll tell her.” He tossed his hair once and stepped back to evaluate the work he’d done in the mirror, his fat round face sliced by a moustache that sort of lay across his lips like a fat dead caterpillar. He turned to look at Sirius again. “Mrs. Evans put us in separate rooms for a reason, and I’m sure that she would not appreciate knowing that you’re being so disrespectful as to betray her trust by sneaking around and fooling around behind her back.”

Sirius stared at Vernon in disbelief for a long moment, then, “Mate. You are so fucking clueless.”

“I’m not,” Vernon Dursley said. “I saw what was going on. Saw you with my own two eyes!”

Sirius said, “I promise you that you’re quite mistaken and making a gigantic fool of yourself.”

Vernon grunted, “You two all tangled up in that bed. It doesn’t take a moron to figure out what the lot of you were up to last night.”

“I fuck boys.” Sirius said it in the most derogatory way he could think of, just so the statement would really shock the hell out of the great walrus before him and he stared at Vernon Dursley, waiting for a reply.

Vernon stared at him with wide eyes, the haughty attitude he’d been wearing slowly melting off him.

Sirius grinned. “That’s right, Vernon Dursley, I’d sooner fuck you than I would Lily… What you saw last night was entirely platonic. So no, it doesn’t take a moron to figure out what we were up to last night but a moron might assume something without bothering to get all the facts straight. Vernon, do you know what assuming does? It makes an ASS out of you.”

Vernon’s eyes were still wide as he sputtered, staring at Sirius. Then he stammered, “Gay? You’re - you’re one of those homosexuals, then?” He said the term homosexuals as though they were an alien species, a dirty invader living among the normal folk. He said it in a tone that was almost… fearful. And he looked Sirius over, head to foot, and his eyes flickered ot the small space between their two beds and then back to Sirius again.

“Don’t worry, Vernon,” Sirius said, as he bent quickly to tug his boots on. He grabbed his jacket from the foot of the bed where he’d hung it. “It isn’t contagious. You won’t contract a severe case of the homos if you stay in the same room as me.”

Vernon’s neck flushed. “I know that! I’m not a complete idiot.”

“Still missing some parts, are you?”

Vernon looked truly pissed now.

Sirius smirked and shrugged on his jacket.

“Just you keep to your side of the room. No trying any funny business! I’m not interested!” Vernon said hotly.

Sirius snorted. “You’re kidding! Tell me you’re kidding. Please. Oh Merlin, you’re not. You’re actually not kidding. You think I’m going to try funny business with you? With you? You great walrus!” Sirius laughed, “Vernon Dursley, you literally couldn’t pay me enough galleons to make me want to fuck you.”

And before Vernon could say another word, Sirius turned and left the room.




Downstairs, Lily and Petunia weren’t speaking. They were sitting in the living room, waiting for Mrs. Evans and the boys. Petunia had her arms crossed over her chest and was staring at the wall with a sour pucker to her lips.

Sirius came downstairs first, still running his hands through his hair, having not stayed long enough to do it in the mirror as he normally would have done. His t-shirt was black and said woof in white letters. Lily laughed, “I like your shirt.”

He was still agitated from his conversation with Vernon and his voice was sharp when he said, “What?”

“Your shirt?” Lily pointed.

Sirius looked down. “Oh. Right. Yes.” He cleared his throat. Then, making himself calm down so he didn’t sound so odd, he said, “I made it.”

Petunia had looked over to see what his shirt was and her lips moved around the word as she read it. Her nose wrinkled, “I don’t get it. Is it a joke of some sort?”

Sirius smirked, “It means I’m barking mad, darling,” he replied.

Lily snorted she laughed so hard.

Petunia made a face.

Vernon Dursley came down then, his face still just so red from the anger of the conversation they’d had and he held out his hand, not even fully coming in the room, “Come along, Petunia dear,” Vernon’s voice was clipped, “We’ll go ahead and get a table at the restaurant, since we’ll be taking separate cars anyway.” He looked at Lily, “Tell Mrs. Evans we will see you there,” and as Petunia hurried across the room, holding her fancy purse, a gift Vernon had given her, they left the room.

Lily stared after them a moment, and when the front door closed, she looked at Sirius. “What did you do?” she asked.

Sirius shrugged, “He apparently doesn’t like homosexuals,” he said the term in the same way Vernon had said it before - an alien race.

Lily flushed, “Oh Sirius.”

“What? His words, his tone. Not mine.” Sirius shrugged, “He thought we were shagging last night, the great buffoon, and he said he was going to tell your mum on us if we did it again, and started getting all obnoxious so finally, I just looked at him and I said I fuck boys and - Evans, the look on his face was priceless.”

Lily covered her face. She was trying not to laugh.

“He’s seriously the stupidest walrus I’ve ever encountered.”

Lily couldn’t hold it back at that. She burst into peals of silent laughter, her shoulders shaking with the mirth of it as she shivered into her palms, her eyes watering tearfully.

“Evans?” he asked thinking she might be crying. “Are you upset? You didn’t think your breasts made me straight this morning, right? You know that we can never be together?” He said it in a teasing tone.

“You great idiot,” she gasped, looking up, and could see now that it was laughter not tears. “You great idiot. He must’ve been so stunned.”

“He gaped at me like a giant fat fish.”

Lily wheezed.

Sirius said, “You’d think he never encountered a fag before.”

“He probably hasn’t.”

Sirius grinned, “I’m his first. How touching.”

Lily couldn’t stop laughing.

“No wonder he looked so concerned about sharing a room with me,” Sirius said, “I let him know that I’m not contagious and he couldn’t catch the homosexuality from me.”

“Oh Merlin!”

Sirius grinned, “He told me not to try any funny business,” he informed her and she broke into even harder giggles. Her stomach hurt from them. Sirius added, “I told him he couldn’t pay me enough galleons to fuck him. That’s what had him so flushed just now.”

Lily had tears streaming down her cheek now.

Mrs. Evans came in the room, fastening her pearls about her neck. “What’s so funny?” she asked, “I could hear you two giggling all the way from my bedroom.” She smiled.

Sirius turned to her, smiling cordially, suddenly the charm and manners were turned on and he said, “Good morning, Mrs. E. You look positively radiant. I absolutely love your hair, it must’ve taken hours to achieve such utter perfection.” He smiled. “We were just having a bit of a laugh over a joke about a walrus.”

Lily choked she laughed so hard.

“What did the grape say when the walrus stepped on it?” Sirius asked.

Mrs. Evans thought for a moment, “I don’t know.”

Sirius grinned, “Nothing. It just let out a little…wine.”

Lily doubled over again. It was the stupidest joke she had ever heard. But leave it to Sirius Black to come up with a walrus joke in less than three seconds. Even if it was an idiot joke.

Poor Mrs. Evans looked thoroughly confused.