4th Day: Have A Holly Jolly Christmass

“Wow. Fourth day.

I swear, I’ve never thought you would be able to resist until now. You do surprise me, Nick. And that’s one of the thing that I’ve always liked about you. You are never predictable. You are never boring, because your mind is always running, jumping from idea to idea and never sticking to one, never letting yourself be drowned or sucked by thoughts. Or better saying worries. Cause I do worry, you know? Of course you know, you have always been the one telling me to relax, to be as carefree as I appeared to be because worrying, over worrying, would never stop fate and destiny to happen so I should just enjoy things, taking the good with me and forget about the negative.

And I’m trying. Because it would be so easy to sit here and think about all the things that could go wrong, how I could bore you or even irritate you with these stupid tasks but then… then I stop for a minute. Just a brief second and I see you when you were decorating the tree, trying to prepare the eggnog. Though my favorite one is definitely from yesterday, your laughter and your smile when you managed to skate without even falling once. So I guess that I’m doing something good…

Nick didn’t even want to keep reading. There was this nagging feeling at the pit of his stomach, an invisible voice that wanted him to drop off everything, drop that letter and whatever Brian had thought for him, and just go. Go and hug that small man that still hid so many layers of insecurities and fragilities. He had never imagined it, back when he was definitely younger and more innocent and Brian was this kind of hero with a cape made of courage and bravery. How could he do? He was even more scared, he was so tangled up inside his own problems that he had never even tried to look a little bit closer, to tell his hero that he could rest a little, he could lean on him if he needed help or just reassurance. And that was what Nick wanted to do in that moment: he wanted to go to Brian and reassure him, tell him that he would never put a stop to that beautiful, amazing thing that was blossoming between them.

Well, enough with the self pity party.

Fourth day. I’m guessing that today you would love to do something more relaxing, right? And that’s the most amazing thing about Christmas because everything can be turn into a tradition. You just need a little bit of magic, that’s all. And magic… well, magic is everywhere. Magic is something that you can create, you don’t need to search for it around or be sad because you can’t seem to see or feel it. Magic can be a red hat, the air smelling of just baked cookies. Magic can be a day spent watching old movies, a warm blanket wrapped around you and someone you love, someone you enjoyed their company, sitting next to you. Magic can be walking down the street, be swamped by people doing their shopping and children running because they want to buy their favorite toys before it’s too late. Magic is smiling to people you might meet, old friends that you haven’t seen in awhile and friends that you talked to just some hours before; magic is letting go of fears and shyness, gifting the world with an hello when, usually, you would turn your head in fear that someone might recognize you.

That’s Christmas.

So, are you ready to create your own magic?

“Yes, I am.” Nick whispered, although but his dog was there to hear his reply. He still couldn’t understand what Brian wanted him to do that day but bubbles of excitement were already raising up and trying to come out in a smile.

As you can see, today you didn’t find just this letter. There is a mp3 player and a map. Now, what you have to do is simply get dressed, put on the music I’ve selected for you and follow that map. See? It’s very easy. There are only a few stops you have to take along the way but, as someone always said: “it’s not the destination that counts but the journey”. So just enjoy the atmosphere around you, smile at every single person you meet, even and most especially if you don’t know them and you won’t meet them ever again. Don’t be shy. Don’t tell to yourself that you’re invisible, that people would look at you weirdly. Sometimes people go through so many things in their life and they don’t know how to handle, how to go through another lonely and fighting day; sometimes people are at the end of their rope, ready to give up because no one seems to care or understand. And, sometimes, all it takes to save a life is a smile. Even from a stranger. Sometimes it’s an hello, or a door opened. The smallest gesture of kindness can make the biggest difference between giving up and holding on.

That’s creating magic.

I know it’s true because… I’ve never told you. I’ve never told anyone before but… I’ve been there, Nick. I was in a dark place, I didn’t know how to reach out and say what I needed from others. Sure, I knew that you all would come if I only said that I was struggling but the words weren’t that easy to find. But it took just one smile from the fans at one of our shows and, especially, one from you every time I would get one note right to remind me that I wasn’t alone. And that there was so much else going on around me to only focus on the negative stuff.

So thank you, Nick. For bringing magic into my life. Now go out and bring magic to the world, I’ll be waiting at the end of this strange and amazing journey.

Nick didn’t even know how to react from those last words. It was as if Brian had slipped open a tiny window to that part of his life that he had always tried to hide, to make it look like as it didn’t even exist. Nick had guessed, though, because it was so much easier to spot darkness when you had already travelled that road: he had recognized the signals, the way his eyes would look more and more as days would pass by and nothing would change; the way Brian basically tried to shrink himself even more, disappearing in a shadow so no one would notice, so no one would ask questions that didn’t have an answer and, at the same time, desiring and longing for someone to come and save him.

If that admission, if those words weren’t a declaration that something deeper, something bigger and much more important, was going on between the two of them, Nick didn’t know how to describe it. And he didn’t want to, he didn’t want to stand there and think about what they could might or not might be: he just wanted to make it happen,

So, with that resolution, he took the Mp3 player and the map and started that new journey.

Literally and metaphorically.

*********

“Have a holly jolly Christmas, it’s the best time of year.”

Nick couldn’t help but singing along to the music, mouthing the words as he walked by the streets. Everything felt magical. Everything felt different. He didn’t actually know why, if it was for the music in his ears or for that crazy project Brian had planned for him: maybe it was both or, maybe, it was just the air around him, that atmosphere of happiness and joy that flew from person to person, from kids running around and then stopping in front of the shops, looking for what their hearts most desired.

“Say hello to friends you know and everyone you meet.”

Contrary to popular belief, Nick was a very shy person. No one could guess that part of him, no one would ever describe him as shy but it was the truth: he could be himself only around people he knew, people he already let inside and he had trusted. With strangers? Weirdly, he didn’t want to be recognized. Weirdly, he didn’t want attention but just being able to walk down the streets and be like everyone else.

Invisible.

That first dare, that first thing to do wasn’t that simple as Brian made it out. Brian was so good at it, he was always the one waving and sharing smiles even when he wasn’t feeling like it; Brian had always been the one actually knowing the names of their neighbors back when they were living in London.

How did he do it?

“Sometimes it takes only a smile to make someone else feel better.”

How true were those words.

Especially if the one smiling was Brian.

Brian’s smile had always been Nick’s medicine for the bad days, back when it was just melancholy the illness that haunted and tainted his thoughts and days: just a look, just a glance at that smile, brighter and bigger than the world around them, and Nick knew that nothing could really be that bad or wrong. And Nick knew that he wasn’t that alone, that desperate as his mind kept telling him.

Then something changed.

There had been so many reasons for that change, some that Nick was afraid to face because it meant coming to terms with his own mistakes and faults. But one day Brian’s smile lost its brightness, its spark. It hadn’t been sudden, it hadn’t been something out of the blue, now that Nick could stop and think about it: it had been for him because Nick had been too focus on himself and his demons, because he had been so angry and hurt by Brian’s absence to realize that he wasn’t the only one left with his heart broken and shattered.

Nick had been fooled by his image of Brian, by that memory of his face always smiling and never touched by negativity and dramas. Nick had wanted to be fooled because it seriously scared him to see Brian brought so down to the point that a smile would only be a miracle and an illusion.

How much did it hurt to smile when he didn’t feel like it?

How much left alone did Brian feel when everyone bought his smile and never saw his tears?

And there, right in the middle of the street, busy with people hurrying to get their presents or just having fun, Nick understood why Brian wanted him to smile.

And a smile appeared on his face, almost immediately as thoughts and words started to combine into a perfect puzzle.

“Hello.”

“Good morning.”

“Have a nice day.”

Nick couldn’t help it, couldn’t stop those words before they were already out of his mouth, flying around the people who looked puzzled, surprised and quite skeptical.

And, yet, some actually answered back.

“Hello to you.”

“Good morning, sir!”

“Have a nice day you too!”

His steps felt lighter. His heart seemed to warm up and a funny fuzz was taking a hold of his whole body, chasing away those fears and doubts that still lingered around.

Smiling seemed such a stupid gesture, something that most people didn’t think too much of it. And, yet, there were so many people that needed those smiles to get by another day. He knew it because that was what Brian did back in the day, that was what Brian still did every single day. Nick knew it and, at the same time, he wanted it to be the other way around too.

So, with that thought in mind, Nick got inside his first stop. Well, truth to be told, there was just another stop after that but that was even the whole point. His first stop turned out to be a clothes store and not just one in general.

Christmas sweaters.

Those horrible, embarrassing Christmas sweaters that old families got you because they didn’t know what else to buy.

“You got to be kidding me.” Nick breathed out as Christmas music filled his ears.

“You must be Nick, right? - A young girl appeared out of nowhere, holding a gift and another note attached to it. �“ I was told to give it to you.”

Nick quickly took that gift and tore its wrapping, revealing his worst nightmare.

A freaking ugly Christmas sweater. Red. With a reindeer wearing a hat and its big, big red nose, taking up most of the space.

It’s not Christmas without one of these.

Don’t give me that look, you’ve been known to wear even uglier things so don’t start complaining. You’ll be wearing this sweater and you’ll be walk down the street, where I’ll be waiting for you.

Don’t be late!

“No fucking way. I’m not wearing this shit.”

Nick turned the white note around, ready to throw it into the nearest bin, when he noticed that Brian wrote something more.

“Please. Do it for me. I’ll promise you won’t be the only one wearing it. We’ll be ridiculous beautiful together.”

Shit.

Brian was seriously a shit. The most adorable one, of course, but still...

Still Nick went to a dressing room and wore that sweater, covering it immediately with his jacket.

Still Nick walked out that store, walked down the street and kept smiling and saying hello to everyone he met. Because Brian was a shit but Nick would do anything for him.  

Even wearing that horrible, terrible and ridiculous sweater. 

*********

Nick arrived at his last stop, a coffee shops that looked like as it belonged to another place and time: it was small, just one large window with mistletoe and red balls, but all that Nick could see was at the man sitting at the table in front of that window.

True to his world, Brian was wearing un ugly Christmas sweater.

And he still appeared to be the most beautiful man in the coffee shop. And he still managed to steal Nick’s breath, made his heart beat a little bit faster because his eyes couldn’t still believe that Brian, that man, was actually waiting for him.

After all those years.

Nick didn’t wait much time. Nick didn’t wait, but got inside and  tore off his jacket, waiting for the laughter as soon as Brian would look up to him.

“This sweater is absolutely ridiculous!”

A grin, a satisfied and proud grin, appeared on Brian’s face, although his eyes brightened up and shined with a different light: warmer, a paler shade of blue that Nick knew only appeared when Brian was happy and comfortable.

“You’re not ridiculous. You look good.”

“I don’t look good, but thanks for the lie.”

“Hey! I’m wearing one too!”

“Yes, I noticed it. �“ Nick said while sitting down in front of Brian and admiring how the dark blue seemed to enlighten Brian’s face features, the sharpness of the jaw line and how light brown his hair seemed to be. �“ How do you get to look absolutely fabulous?”

Brian shrugged as a waiter appeared out of the blue and placed two mugs in front of them, the sweet aroma of chocolate floating around them. “I guess it’s a natural gift.”

That smile. Nick drank at that sight, drank that warmth and love that was radiating in just one curve of lips. How could he hadn’t noticed when it went missing? How could he kept doing his life, moving around and be just so absorbed into himself that he hadn’t noticed that there was a star missing in the sky?

How could he had been able not to soar up into that warmth for that long time?

“I want to apologize, Brian.”

“What?” Brian asked confused, his eyebrows raised and his forehead frowning with lines.

Nick didn’t reply immediately. He took a sip from his mug, let the sweet aroma of chocolate warm his throat while trying to gather his thoughts. He knew it was something he should have done before but he had never realized how much selfish and not so “best friend” he had been towards Brian. In his defense, he had to say that it had been hard trying to get underneath Brian’s mask; it had been hard realizing that even a hero had weakness and needed help.

“You’ve been apologizing for every little time you’ve let me down for... well, it’s not just with these letters and all you’ve done for me. I appreciate it. I really do.”

“You really think so?”

“Brian, this is something that it can only happen in a movie. Of course I appreciate it. Especially why you’re doing this and how brave you’ve been.”

“Someone had to take that step.” Brian admitted, feeling blushing like a teenage girl.

“And you’ve been that one. �“ Nick replied in a soft tone, fighting that urge to just sit up and kiss that man. �“ I want to be as brave as you’re, admitting my wrongs and wanting to make it right. Is that bad?”

“No, no. Of course it’s not.” Brian wasn’t actually sure how to answer or how to reply. Somehow he had made peace to past scars and heartaches, locking all those images and memories in a place where heart and mind couldn’t access that easily.

Actually, couldn’t access at all.

“You know that you were the one who hurt me the most. You were... you were literally my everything, that guiding star that I would always follow because I didn’t know where or what I was supposed to do. I’ve been so angry at how you left me behind when I turned out not to be the Nick you wanted me to be. But... But I’ve done the same thing. I’ve left you behind because you’ve turned out not to be the hero I had always imagined you to be. And it all started with your surgery. Suddenly you were weak. Suddenly you could die and it frightened me, because I couldn’t picture a life if you weren’t around. You were everything, how could I go on if you wouldn’t be there to teach me? So I stepped away. So I stopped caring because it would hurt too much if something would ever happen to you. �“ Nick looked down, too ashamed to even hold Brian’s gaze, already filled with comprehension and... love. �“ I stopped looking at you, really look at you, because I was afraid that my fears would turn out true. I saw you derailing. I saw the signs and all the phone calls I’ve never picked up. I let you down too. I left you alone dealing with your demons and I truly apologize for this.” It wasn’t much, Nick knew this. It couldn’t be enough because he should have been there for Brian, he should have lent a hand when he saw the first trembles and the first lines of worrying crossing Brian’s face. He hadn’t been there because he had wanted to make Brian pay for every tear he had shred and that wasn’t something to be proud of.

Brian was taken aback by those words. By the sentiment held inside those words, and those eyes that were filled with so much regret. He was shocked, of course, because he had never thought, and believed, that Nick did realize how far he had gone down, how many times he had felt rejected and abandoned because he had needed his best friend and he hadn’t been there.

Oh, he had blamed himself. The whole world blamed him and Nick had been so caught up in his problems, that he had been easier telling himself that he was his fault. Because he should had been more present. He should had been able to put his hurt aside and be there for Nick. But, at the same time, he had resented that anger because wasn’t the opposite right too? Didn’t he have the right to ask for help and be comforted during the hard times?

Nick realizing this, Nick asking forgiveness even if Brian had never blamed or pretended him to, was something that made his heart beat a little faster, made it swell with a blossom of love and affection that it was almost impossible to define or determined.

So Brian didn’t say nothing. So Brian just took Nick’s hand in his, placed his fingertips between Nick’s and let that simple message got through skin and nerves: they had been both scarred. They had been hurt and angry, they had acted like fools and blinded by faith and misplaced judgment in other people.

But they made it through. They would make it through. They were starting brand new and nothing from their past needed to be dragged into their future.

Just their love.

And so the world kept turning around them: people came and people went, going after their lives or chasing a dream that only underneath the magic of Christmas could turn out true; chocolates were soon finished, leaving just the after taste in their mouths, and only empty mugs reminded that they were still there, sitting in front of each other and making up for all the time that they had lost.

They were there,

Together.