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Story Notes:
Yay!
I'm back!
And finally with a 4+1 fic, I've been dying to write one since forever. lol
It's not a normal oneshot, I know. Actually, it started as a translation of one of my oldest stories and then turned into... well, this. lol Truth is that I'll never be able to just translate a story as it is, I will always add things or change it. lol

Am I The Only One?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Am I the only one?

The first time Brian had asked him that question, Nick had been shocked. Taken by surprise. Confused. Dumbstruck. It hadn’t been only the words used, it hadn’t been just for the question itself, which could be taken just as Brian quoting one of their songs. No, the question itself had nothing to do with Nick’s reaction and the strange feeling that had started to grow bigger and bigger somewhere within him.

It had been Brian’s tone.

Small. Frail. Insecure. As if Brian truly believed that he couldn’t been the only one in Nick’s life, heart and soul; as if a part of his soul couldn’t shake away the doubt that, somewhere in the world, there was someone else more perfect for Nick, better and more worthy of being loved and loving that special heart that Nick was.

That first time Nick hadn’t thought much of it, blaming the fever that, maybe, had made Brian too delusional and saying things that he couldn’t truly think and believe. There he was, the man who had never showed a sign of fragility or weakness not even during and in front of the hardest times; there he was, the man Nick was so sure about and took as an example and as divinity to love and admire, swaying with waves of doubts and fears, a small child that was so afraid to be left behind at the first sign of breaking and shattering.

How could Brian not know that he wasn’t just the only one but there would never be someone else? How could Brian not know that Nick’s heart held just one name, five letters that had been burned and unscripted since the first time it beat and proved to be alive?

Nick didn’t have an answer. Nick couldn’t quite understand how Brian, how someone like him could just phantom... he couldn’t. But that didn’t mean that he stopped thinking about it; that didn’t mean that it didn’t become an obsession, something that kept tugging and whispering throughout the day and the night; that didn’t mean that it didn’t become some sort of invisible presence, a ghost that loved to take its place next to Nick and observed, looked at that man that irradiated security and safety when, in reality, he wanted so desperately to be reassured, to be told that he was loved and wanted.

Nick had been wrong all along. He could justified himself saying that he had been young, somehow stupid and blind; he could justified himself that he had been mistaken, because it was so easy to fall into the illusion of that smile that never shared a shadow or a downfall. There could be millions of reasons but, in the end, Nick realized that there were no more excuses, or turning his gaze away when he knew that something was wrong. Because that was love, because that was what it meant to be in a relationship with someone else, someone who was willing to show his weaknesses, but didn’t know how to.

And so, even though he had been wrong from the beginning, Nick started to be a little more attentive when it came to Brian; Nick started to look deeper, not to be fooled by those eyes that never faltered, never let once show that intricate and complex fortress of weakness and fragilities. And so Nick promised himself one thing: to remind Brian that he was and would always be the only one.

No one else.

Just him.

 

 

 

 

 

*********

 

 

 

 

 

“Am I the only one?”

The second time it happened, the second time Brian asked that question, it couldn’t be hidden behind the fever and its delirium. The second time Nick was so sure that those words left Brian’s lips, hanging around them and pouring a desperation that he wasn’t sure he could stand and fight. Hadn’t he tried enough? Hadn’t he done everything in his power to make Brian understand that those doubts couldn’t breathe, couldn’t be alive as long as he would be at his side. Never leaving, never going away because he was sure that there was no one, in the whole world and universe, more perfect as soul mate as Brian.

But it happened again.

Sleep was a tight fighter. Sleep was winning and, maybe, that had been the reason why Brian had chosen that moment. He thought that Nick couldn’t hear him, he thought that he could slip those words away without a testimony, without a witness.

He had been wrong.

Nick hadn’t been quite conscious but he had heard him. Listened to those thoughts giving strength to each other, insecurities growing bigger and bigger, sucking away the oxygen and pushing Nick to be more alert, more awake so that he could fight them. Defeat them.

But something stopped him.

Brian was lying next to him. Brian was curled up around him, his naked body pressed safe and secure as if he had been actually afraid that Nick could slip away; one arm wrapped around his waist, resting upon a hip and its touch, its mere brushing the skin, was just that kind of pleasant drum that nothing could be wrong.

It was a striking contraposition, then. It was a difference so subtle but still so visible because Brian’s body was a pillar of confidence while his voice, his touch, enchanted a frail soul that only could come out when darkness was alive and sleep was a lullaby helped by the tour bus dancing away on the road.

“It’s so easy to feel safe when there is the light. It’s so easy to believe it when you’re looking at me as if the sun is shining directly from my eyes. It’s so easy to see how you love me, how your whole life revolves around me as if I’m really that hero and that divinity that you’ve always believed I was. It’s so easy to believe that...”

Brian’s voice trailed off for a minute, as if suddenly all the courage had left his body and that window of opportunity, that chance for Nick to know what was going on through his mind, was about to close forever. But, instead than waking up, pushing Brian to keep going, Nick waited silently. He knew that Brian would never continue if he knew that he was awake, that was how that strange confession always worked.

And sometimes it hurt. Sometimes it hurt to think, and believe, that Brian wouldn’t trust him with his own demons and fears, him that was always ready to jump into the fight when Nick had to face his own. How was it fair? But that was how it was and Nick preferred that way if it meant, on the contrary, not getting anything at all.

“... I don’t know what you see in me. I look at myself in the mirror and try to see the beautiful man you see and... he’s not there, Nicky. He’s just not there. I’m not him but I try so hard, everyday, to show you that I can be him. I try everyday to prove to you that I can be your only one, no matter if there are so many people in the world that would love you better. Deeper. People who don’t believe that they’re committing the worst of the crimes, people who don’t love the darkness as I do, that don’t hold darkness inside their hearts. People who aren’t afraid of taint your pureness.”

Brian leaned down, hiding his face inside that curve of the back that had always offered protection and security. He leaned and kissed that skin that almost looked as it was the most precious porcelain, that skin that would never know about being scarred and boring ugly and tainted marks.

“I love you more than everything. I love you... I think sometimes too hard. Too much. I shouldn’t be allowed to love someone like you. I shouldn’t be allowed to be loved back by you and I wait for the day you’ll see it. I wait and dread that day because that’s all I can offer. Myself. And, sometimes, I don’t really believe that I’m enough.”

Something wet touched Nick’s skin. Something warm, a single teardrop that then trailed off, disappear as if it didn’t want to listen to those words anymore. Nick’s heart hurt, it was caught in a deathly grip and beat faster and harder than he ever thought it could be able to. He couldn’t speak, he couldn’t think about a single word that could melt that pain.

Now Nick understood. Now Nick saw that it wasn’t just insecurity or fragility. There was so much more behind that bright appearance, there was a pain that went much deeper that he could ever imagine. And it was scary. It was defying because how was he supposed to take care of that?

Him. Nick Carter. The boy who had never had someone before, the man who was just now coming to terms with love and what it meant to have someone to look after.

How was he supposed to heal Brian?

Nick waited. Nick waited until he could feel Brian’s tears drying upon his skin, until he couldn’t feel anymore that small body shook with those sobs and that pain that he tried so hard to keep at bay during the days.

Nick waited until he couldn’t know anymore how many hours had passed by. Nick waited until he was sure, hundred percent sure, that Brian had fallen asleep, his heartbeat dancing a calming and reassuring tune that Nick had never knew he had missed or thought that he could love it so much.

Nick waited and then, smoothly and silently so he wouldn’t disturb his angel’s sleep, he turned around and placed his lips upon those dried tears, washing them away, foolishly thinking and believing that it would just take that gesture to make all the pain go away as well.

“You’re my only one. Never doubt it, please. Never think that I could leave you. It’s the only thing I can promise you.”

Nick didn’t know, back then, how those words would come back and taunt him. Taunt Brian. Haunt him in ways that Nick could never begin to imagine. But in that moment, in that precise fragment of time and space, his voice held a truth that couldn’t be shake away that easily; in that moment Nick truly believed that nothing could break them apart, especially something that had yet to show its features and its sharp claws.

“You’re my only one, my Frick.” Nick whispered, hoping that somehow those words could reach Brian’s mind, far away in the deep sleep that, hopefully, would and could restore his faith and trust in love.

And in himself.

Nick could only hope and could only hug Brian a little tighter and a little closer to him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

*********

 

 

 

 

 

“Am I the only one?”

The third time it hadn’t been bittersweet.

The third time, actually, would always been something that neither Nick nor Brian could ever be able to forget without hearing and feeling their hearts break under the weight of this memory.

The greatest thing Nick learned from Brian wasn’t just how to love and care for someone else. There was something else, more than Brian’s endless heart and selfless, that had made its nest inside Nick’s soul and, just like a flower, had started to blossom and grow under that sunshine that was his lover and best friend: always try to do the right thing. Brian had always tried to do it, no matter how many times he had got his heart broken or his spirit diminished and battered.

“It doesn’t matter if you’ll end up broken, crying because you don’t know if you can pick yourself up and start all over again. The what if, the regrets, will always weight you down. They will always turn out to be something you can’t shake away, a poison that there isn’t an antidote for. Try, Nick. Always try to be the best you can be, especially when you feel at your worst.”

Was Brian still believing it? Was Brian still believing his own words or was he blaming himself? Cursing himself because, if Nick hadn’t listened to those words, maybe his heart wouldn’t be bleeding. Wouldn’t be shattered, irreparably broken into millions of small, almost invisible pieces. 

Didn’t Nick follow his lead?

Didn’t he try to do the right thing?

Sometimes he didn’t know the answer. Sometimes he had been sure that it had been the right thing, among the other possibilities. He wasn’t Brian’s only one, he could never be the one that would make him the happiest man alive.

The reason?

Simple. And too much articulated: he wasn’t wise. He wasn’t careful. He was useless, not ready to be that someone that could hold up a man like Brian. How could Nick heal Brian when he could barely hold himself together? He wasn’t who Brian thought he was, he wasn’t that splendid and pure heart that didn’t need, or deserve, to be tainted by whatever Brian thought it was wrong with him.

It was the complete opposite.

He was the tainted one. He was the one poisoning that relationship, dragging it below and below until he knew, oh if he was sure of it, that no one could climb up ever again.

He was the one that didn’t deserve Brian’s love.

That night, that fateful night, Brian’s question became something that would haunt him for as long as he’d breathe, A broken tone, a broken and repeated question that needed an answer, demanded to know if that question, that promise, had only been a lie, just like all the ones Nick had shattered into pieces in a span of a few minutes.

“We can’t go on.”

“What... what do you mean?”

“Us. You and me. It’s not right. We haven’t been right for a long time.”

“No.” Brian soft whisper seemed a childish and innocent way to stop that conversation before it would ruin everything.

“Listen, Bri...”

“I won’t listen to this stupid... whatever this is. You’re just tired. We’re all tired. “ Brian’s tone sounded a little bit desperate, matching a desperation that should be shown on Nick’s face but that wasn’t really there. It was hidden, Brian knew it. Brian could see right through Nick’s lies but couldn’t understand why it was being brought on. “ Let’s take a break, okay? You and me. Let’s go somewhere all alone. Let’s...”

“NO! Fuck, Brian, why won’t you listen to me?”

“Because you’re being an idiot.”

“I’m not an idiot. Not now. I was an idiot when I thought that this could work. But it isn’t, Brian. I can’t be...”

“Stop. Stop right there. You don’t decide who I need. You don’t decide who I want to be with. What is this really about? Last night... last night you were so sure about us. About our future.”

Nick didn’t know what to say. He knew that Brian wouldn’t be that easy to confront. He knew that he would have to fight him but, right at that very moment, every objection and every reason fell down as if they were lonely cards out in the wind. Was it really the right thing? Was he really just what Brian needed?

“I... it’s over, Brian.”

“No, it’s not.”

“Don’t make this any harder than...”

“You told me once that I was your only one. You swore to me that I would never have to doubt you. I want to believe it, Nick. I still want to believe it because... I might not be sure about a thousand things, I might be not sure about it but I love you and... “ Brian lowered his gaze only for one fragment of second. His shoulders trembled, strained under the pressure of holding back those emotions that wanted to come out so badly. Nick could see it, Nick longed to reach out, Nick longed to take back those words that seemed to haunt Brian. But he couldn’t do it. He could just watch as the transformation happened right before his own eyes, how Brian pushed his broken heart so under that only a cold appeared on his face when he raised his gaze once again. “ Am I really your only one?”

“Brian, don’t...”

“Am I your only one?”

Nick couldn’t answer. He wanted to, oh damn yes. He wanted to hold Brian and show him how much he was the only one in his life. But he couldn’t do it. It would undo everything he had said, it would undo his determination to do the right thing, which was to let Brian free.

And himself too.

“It’s getting too serious. I’m young. We have the world on our feet. I can’t be tied down. I won’t be tied down when I have every chance and possibilities open for me.”

It was Brian’s turn to be silent. Shadows blackened his eyes, making them impossible to read and to know what was going on in his mind. Nick knew he was hurt. Nick knew he had hurt him but it hurt him even more not being able to... do what, exactly? Who was kidding? He had never been able to read Brian the way he was so good at read him. He had tried, so many times. He was trying even in that moment, failing miserably because he couldn’t hold on to that right anymore.

“I’m not the only one, then.”

“Don’t be like that. I’m not... I’m not cheating on you.”

“It doesn’t have to mean physically. If I was your only one, you wouldn’t feel like I’m tying you down. If I was your only one, you wouldn’t feel like you have to let me go to make us happy.”

It still hurt.

Nick’s pain was filled with regrets and doubts, second thoughts about what had seemed so right but, after it was done, seemed to taste wrong.

Utterly wrong.

It hurt because Nick knew that, maybe, he had just shut the door on his only chance to be happy, his only opportunity to finally have that kind of love that they always sung in songs and written about. It hurt because Nick knew how he had destroyed Brian that night, diving a knife right where all his insecurities had always lived and where, now, they had found new lifeline to feed from.

Nick had done all of it.

That night the tears, though, didn’t come out. Nick didn’t feel like he deserve to cry over something that he had broken. Nick didn’t feel like doing nothing more but staring at the space where Brian had stood while he had silently killed him, words used like weapons and blood that could only be seen by eyes that didn’t belong anymore on that body.

That night Nick opened the first bottle in a long time, the first bottle used to drown out Brian’s eyes, haunting him wherever he looked and even when he chose darkness as best friend and company, that night Nick used alcohol to tune out Brian’s voice, that question that would always follow him around, reminding him how many promises he had broken with just one word.

That night Brian didn’t sleep. Didn’t cry. Numb. Cold. He didn’t know exactly what he was feeling or how he was supposed to react at something like that. Nick had broken them. Nick had taken something that was working so well and smashed it against a wall, as if he was just trying to see if it would break or resist.

Why did he do it?

Why telling him, repeating over and over that he was his only one when it had never been true?

And now those voices were back, those demons that Nick’s voice and love had always been able to scare them away. They were back, as thought as if they had smelled blood, lured back to their positions because it was time to get back into battle.

That was how he felt in that moment, sitting against the door and wondering if his pride could stand going back into the room and begging Nick to reconsider everything.

Shattered. Confused. Numb. Cold.

So fucking cold.

“You’ve never been his only one.”

“You don’t deserve it.”

“You’re not enough.”

Never enough. Never good for anyone, not even and especially that one whom he had devoted all his life to. How could he had been so blind? How could he had believed that it was...

Love.

A first sob started to tickle his throat but Brian bite it back. He didn’t want to cry. He didn’t want to give into the anger, desperation, agony and pain that were already joining forcing and forming a devastating storm within his heart. He wasn’t going to cry. Not right there, not where Nick could hear him and, God, if he wasn’t going to give him that satisfaction.

Still, a part of Brian knew that it wasn’t the truth. Nick wasn’t going to gain satisfaction by listening to his cries and not being able to comfort him. Still, a part of Brian knew that there was something else in that situation: it was so strange, so weird and something tasted bitter and wrong. Nick’s words sounded off, as if he had been replaced with an actor that had only one role to play.

Breaking his heart.

So Brian stayed there, not really caring about the hours slipping by and not really sure when the tears, that he had fought so much, had become too strong and had started falling down, each drop full of a pain that couldn’t be described or explained. He didn’t know. He didn’t care.

Brian stayed there until someone appeared in the hallway and, just as if he had been a small child, managed to push him away from that room, where all his dreams and hopes for the future had been so badly shattered.

Brian didn’t stay there but a doubt, a question, a wonder, remained inside his mind: which had been a lie in the end? Whatever happened in that room or Nick’s promising him that he was his only one?

“Have I really been his only one?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

*********

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Am I the only one?”

Yes.

Thousand times yes.

Infinite times yes.

It hadn’t been asked, this time. That question had lingered in the air, bouncing from one and another as time slipped by, keeping the atmosphere serious and hard. Everyone had been waiting for that moment, everyone and every element in the space and universe had waited for the moment when those two satellites would find their way back together.

It hadn’t been easy.

It hadn’t been easy because Brian wasn’t very keen on forgetting. Or forgive. It was something that had always fascinated Nick, attracted him even more because the loyalty that Brian showed for someone inside his circle was something that he would never been able to try. Or comprehend.

It hadn’t been easy because Nick had hurt Brian, more and deeper than everyone had already done and trying to find a way to go back from that hadn’t been... well, easy.

It hadn’t been easy because they’d been both miserable, two halves that had tried everything to make the loneliness and the absence hurt a little less. But nothing had really worked. Nothing had been able to take that feeling away, that feeling of missing half of their being and not really being able to breathe or see colors around.

Grey, Cold. Numb.

That was how those weeks, long and long months, had been.

Nick wanted to forget all about them. Nick wanted to forget all those hours, minutes and seconds spent away from the one he really loved, the one that meant the whole world and that he had pushed away. So away that it was a miracle if he would actually want to come back and take him back.

He prayed.

Nick prayed, begged, pleaded. He did all those things that were meant to prove that he had been wrong, so utterly wrong, and that he was willing to do literally everything just to be held by Brian’s arms once again. He explained all the reasons “ wrong reasons and had underlined it every single time “ why he came to that decision, he asked for forgiveness and hoped that, somehow, they were strong enough to bounce back like nothing has happened.

And then that question. The only words Brian pronounced after Nick’s speech, the only thing that he had needed to get it out before even thinking about welcoming Nick back. Because yes, Nick had hurt him. Nick had hurt him so deep that, sometimes, he still could feel his heart breaking a little bit more, as if the cut hadn’t been quite perfect and done. He was hurting even that night because he could feel Nick’s pain in his words, he could taste his regrets and all that doubts and fears that had made him acting like that and he wasn’t... there wasn’t nothing that he could say because how could he heal Nick when he was still trying to come up from the ocean, dark and cold, where Nick had thrown him? Brian’s heart ached for that absence, Brian’s heart hurt and longed to just kiss and make you, hoping that it would be enough.

But it wasn’t.

And Brian needed to know.

“Am I the only one?”

Yes.

Thousand times yes.

Infinite times yes.

Now Nick knew better. Now Nick knew what lie beneath that question, how many times Brian had held his heart for someone who, in return, had done nothing but leaving it there, half wondering if the one wrong was him or the other; how many times Brian had tried to be whoever everyone wanted him to be, desperate to be that someone, the one for someone; how many times Brian had forced back his cries of help, had covered his pleading eyes because afraid that he would left behind, because it was hard, almost impossible, to picture Brian as the one frail and insecure.

Now Nick knew better.

Now Nick knew that answering that question wouldn’t be something simple. That yes that was already struggling to come out from his lips didn’t just mean a simple affirmation: there were so many more sentences hidden beneath it, so many implications and promises that, this time, didn’t want to be broken in the future.

“You said... when you left me, you did it because you didn’t think and believe that you were good for me. You believed that we weren’t good because of everything that people have said behind our backs. “ Brian took a step forward Nick, hands in his pocket and an air of insecurity and confidence at the same time. “ I don’t need a superhero, you know? I don’t need a hero, I don’t need someone to protect me and not because I believe I can endure everything that the world is going to throw me against. I need just you, Nick. I need you to love me as I am, with all my flaws and all my insecurities and fragilities. I want you to look at me and see not just the hero that is gonna always win, but also the human being that is gonna break down now and then. I need you to pick me up, I need you to remind me that it doesn’t matter if I’m not good enough for the world, it matters only that I’m good enough for you.”

Nick had never been good with words: they had never come out right, always missing something important or always out of context. He knew that he should say something, making a declaration just like the one Brian had just made. But words wouldn’t come out. Thoughts didn’t even want to come together because they were still trying to defend themselves against the emotions of those words, those affirmations made by Brian.

So Nick didn’t say anything. But that didn’t mean that he didn’t do anything. With his heart beating faster and faster, Nick erased the minimum distance that was left between him and Brian; with his head feeling like he was flying in the sky, Nick took hold of Brian’s face and looked straight through those blue eyes that were already saying everything that the voice hadn’t been able to convey: hurt and hope, pain and healing, love and despair. Everything shades of colors were shining in that blue sky and, God, if Nick had missed seeing himself reflected in that mirror that had always showed him better and more beautiful than he had ever felt.

One heartbeat. One breath. One, as if how Brian and Nick finally felt becoming. One kiss and something melt within them, sharing away a cold that had always sit there, being an invisible company during those months, weeks and days of loneliness.

“Yes. You’re the only one.”

Brian tilted his head on one side, trying to get a better look to Nick’s face, trying to see if he could trust him this time. “Am I?” He wasn’t still sure, he was still forcing himself not to listen to those voices in his head but dwelling into that amazing and warm feeling of being, finally, inside Nick’s arms.

“Yes.”

And Brian believed it. Brian wanted to believed it that, for a second, he just didn’t think about those times spent, wasted, wondering why he had been made so wrong that no one really seemed to want him. Or loved him. Because the clearer objection was right there in front of him, looking at him if he had been turned into the moon and the sun all together; as if he was holding all the oxygen in the whole world; as if his lips were full of that life force that Nick needed to just function and be alive.

“Yes.”

Nick’s kisses kept repeating that simple word. Nick’s hands kept underline it, caressing every inch of Brian’s skin as if he wanted to mark it as his.

So Brian, for the first time, threw caution in the wind and believed it.

He truly believed that he was, and would always be, Nick’s only one.

 

 

 

 

 

*********

 

 

 

 

 

“I’m the only one.”

Now it wasn’t a question anymore.

Now it wasn’t just a funny way to quote one of their songs, trying to subtle taking reassurances about where he stood and if there was going to be a future, with him right in the centre of Nick’s universe.

No, now Brian didn’t need to use that question to know where he stood with Nick. Doubt always lingered behind, underneath a confidence that had been built caress after caress, touches after touches, kisses after kisses.

Now Brian knew the truth and there wasn’t a single line of insecurity in his tone.

Now Brian knew that he could pronounce those words and see the reaction pretty visible in Nick’s eyes, the way he would tremble because he had just used that particular tone, that husky and low voice that would always get Nick right where Brian wanted him. Desire was just another flame that would envelope Nick’s soul, shaking him into a new dimension where nothing else mattered and no one could ever drawn those groans and moans of pleasure. Shy and innocent Brian took of his clothes, baring his body and soul like he had never done before, not even with Nick himself. Proud Brian lowered his walls and defenses, playing a weapon that Nick had brought him as a gift a long time before, a weapon that wasn’t made to drawn blood or to cause pain: nothing more than a source of love, that power that had been able to survive and, even more, had managed to become greater than the forces of nature.

I’m the only one.”

Yes, Brian was the only one.

Brian was Nick’s only one, even though it had taken him years to come to that simple and infinite realization. Brian was the only one Nick would devote his life to, spending every single second convincing him that nothing could ever come again between them. Brian was the only one Nick would always look after, learning day after day how to take care of something so precious, strong and, at the same time, so fragile and ready to shatter at every moment. Brian was the only one Nick would love like that, deeper than he had ever thought he could and impossible just to dream.

Brian was Nick’s only one, in the same way Nick was Brian’s only one.