Chapter 18: Selective Amnesia
This part of the story isn’t fuzzy the way the night of my birthday is. I remember everything about it. Every thought, every feeling, every word everyone said, every fucking detail. This part of the story is a little fuzzy because all those things I was just talking about were so overwhelming that I just couldn’t handle it.
You would think the part where I was beaten nearly to death, raped and then shot would be the scariest moment of my life, but it wasn’t. Surviving it was worse. Don’t get me wrong, I was terrified when I thought that fat fuck was going to kill me, but at least I knew where I was and who was doing this to me. When I woke up in the hospital I didn’t know anything. Most people who’ve been through something so awful wish everyday that they didn’t remember it, but trust me when I say that leaving it up to your imagination is far worse.
I woke up to find myself in a hospital bed feeling like a truck had run over me and I had no idea why I was there. I couldn’t seem to really move and I couldn’t see out of my right eye. There were tubes and wires everywhere and I seemed to be hooked up to several different machines. I started to panic. What was I doing in the hospital and what the fuck happened to me? I tried to look around the room but didn’t have a very good view so I attempted to sit up. Bad idea! The pain that shot threw me was unlike anything I’d ever felt before “Fuck!”
I screamed with what I thought was great force but the sound didn’t make it past a whisper. It was however, just enough sound to wake the person who had been sleeping in the corner of the room. He jumped at the sound of my voice and was buy my side in an instant. It took a moment for my good eye to adjust to his presence but looking at him was like seeing an angel. I needed some answers and I knew he would have them for me. “John?” I whispered as he lightly took my hand in his.
“Cindy.” He whispered with tears in his eyes. “Welcome back.”
“What the fuck happened?”
I’ve never seen John look more confused. He didn’t say a word and yet his face told me enough. Whatever happened to me was so god awful that he couldn’t believe I didn’t know. I could also tell that he didn’t want to be the one to fill me in so I wasn’t surprised when he dodged the question entirely. “Jesus Cin, you gave us quite a scare. We thought we were gonna lose you.”
“Shit John, you should know you’ll never be lucky enough to be rid of me.” I smirked. I was just trying to lighten the mood a little but John didn’t seem to think it was funny. Guess I really must have been close to my death. Wouldn’t surprise me though, as shitty as I felt right then.
I knew I needed to change the subject because John looked as though he were going to burst into tears at any moment, the fucking baby. “So where the fuck’s Danny? Didn’t he want to spend all day waiting around for my sorry ass to wake up?”
“Days.” John corrected me.
“What?”
“It’s been four days Cin.”
I know my eyes popped out of my head, or at least the one I could open did. How could I have been in the hospital for four days? “And Danny’s in the cafeteria with the other’s.”
“Others?”
“He won’t come into the room though, he doesn’t think you want to see him. But he’s real worried about ya. We all are.” John added in voice that was a little softer than the one he’d previously been using.
What kind of a crazy idea was that? Fuck, Danny and John were the only people on the planet I cared about. If I was as close to death as John seemed to think then damn straight I wanted my best friend to be there! “Why the fuck not?” I asked. “It’s not his fault I’m here, is it? He didn’t get wasted and run me over or some crazy shit did he?”
At the time I didn’t know what the hell John’s problem was and as he stared at me completely dumbfounded I started to think maybe I did get run over. Lucky guess? “Well,” John said but then hesitated.
“What!” I said impatiently. I was tired of being in the dark. Hell I was just tired. You try almost dying and see how you feel. “You told Danny to get the fuck out of your life. He’s convinced that you were serious. Hell you had us all convinced with that performance you gave. Danny’s been moping around like a damn jackass ever since.”
“What the fuck are you talking about? And who the hell are these others you keep mentioning?”
I don’t know why John was getting pissy, he’s the one who wasn’t making any sense. “Damn Cindy! Disowning your best friend because of those city folks, quitting you job and threatening to leave town forever isn’t something you just forget! What the hell is wrong with you?”
I gasped. I didn’t mean to, but I did. I had no idea what he was talking about. I would have thought he was playing some kind of sick joke on me but this was John I was talking to, not Danny. That fear of not knowing what happened to me intensified like a bazillion percent. The nightmare just kept getting worse. I started to panic and John put his hand lightly to my cheek as he tried to calm me down. I don’t know why but I flinched when he touched me and he immediately pulled back. “I’m sorry.” He said full of regret.
I’m not that used to being touched but I shouldn’t have flinched. I guess it was a subconscious impulse. The truth is it terrified me to feel his hand on me. I’m not joking, I wanted to shit my pants I was so afraid. We’re talking about John for Christ’s sake. I knew he wasn’t going to hurt me but I couldn’t help being scared of him and that scared me more than he did.
I’m not a crier. In fact I don’t know that I ever have, but I was so scared and fucking confused that tears welled up in my eyes. Real honest to God fucking tears. “What’s the last thing you do remember?” John asked.
I thought about it for a moment. Everything in my brain was a bit hazy and I really couldn’t tell where the memories stopped. “I don’t know.” I said, “I guess I remember watching Millionaire, but I can’t remember what night that was. Shit the damn show’s on five nights a week now. I think it was almost my birthday. I didn’t miss it did I? You’ll have to get me really wasted to make up for it if I did.”
“Cin.” John whispered, “Your birthday was almost two weeks ago. We had a cake and a fucking Cinderella piņata.”
“A what?” I asked clenching my fist.
John finally smiled for the first time since I woke up. “You almost kicked Danny’s ass for it.” He smirked. “You really don’t remember?”
All I could do was shake my head. I felt lost. How could I ever forget a fucking Cinderella piņata? I started crying again and John’s eyes glossed over as well. Nobody hates feeling vulnerable more than me but that’s how I felt. John and I just stared at each other. I wanted to ask him what was going on but I didn’t know how. And I’m pretty sure that if I could have managed it he wouldn’t have been able to give me the answer, but we still knew what each other was thinking.
It was a fucking awkward moment. Didn’t last long though because suddenly my room was full of fucking strangers. They all seemed very happy to see me awake and I could feel a fucking panic attack hitting me as they approached my bedside. This one guy walked right up to me with tears in his eyes and reached out like he was going to actually touch me.
I’m not exactly proud of this, but if I could have jumped out of my bed and hid in the corner I would have. “John?” I screamed and shut my eyes tightly. I guess I figured if I couldn’t see him, he wasn’t really there, just like a damn six year old. I felt John grab hold of my hand. “She doesn’t remember what happened.” I heard him explain, “She can’t even remember her birthday.”
“She couldn’t remember that anyway.” I heard an unfamiliar voice laugh.
“AJ!” A female voice scolded.
I wondered which one of them said that but I was only able to open my eyes after I was instructed to do so. “Cin it’s ok.” John whispered, “These people are your friends.”
I looked up at him with tear-blurred vision and all he could do was offer a weak smile. I pulled him down on to the bed next to me. It was like I needed him to shield me from the strangers he claimed I knew. I looked up at them and was glad to see that they had all taken a few steps back. There were four of them. Three guys and a girl and I could hear another guy talking to Danny out in the hall.
I stared at the strangers curiously. How in the hell could these people be my friends? They had big city written all over them and the woman looked like fucking Barbie. They all seemed confused and the girl was crying. I looked to John for an explanation. “Do you recognize them at all?” I shook my head no. “Not even Howie?”
God, now I really wanted to be sick. They had names and John knew them. Obviously if I didn’t recognize any of them, then that meant I didn’t recognize whichever one was Howie, but everyone seemed to be waiting for an answer. I got a shiver from the way John said his name. It was almost like he was saying he was my boyfriend. I looked at them all again and while all of them were fairly good-looking I certainly couldn’t see myself with any of them. Well, maybe that one with the tattoos and goatee, he was a fine motherfucker. I looked at John and forgot to whisper as I asked, “Did I fuck one of these guys or something?”
John smirked and I could tell that the others wanted to laugh as well but they tried their hardest not to. “For once the answer to that is no.” John teased, “At least not that I know of. Believe it or not Cindy, I think you fell in love.”
Holy FUCK! Now I knew this was some kind of sick joke! “This fucking isn’t funny John! If Danny put you up to this I’m going to kick his ass clear to the next county.” I screamed. I’d had enough of this shit. “Danny! I know your out there, I can hear your fucking girly voice! Get your ass in here!”
Danny came barreling through the door followed by some blonde guy and stared at me with a confused look. “What the fuck is going on here!”
“Wha?” Danny gasped not even able to finish the word.
“It’s not a joke Cin.” John said.
I looked into his eyes and I knew he was telling the truth. “A lot’s happened in the last couple weeks.”
“You fucking think?”
John winced at my harsh tone of voice and I instantly felt bad. John’s always been good at making me feel guilty. I didn’t mean to yell at him, but what the fuck! Seriously! There was some twisted shit going on here and I still didn’t even fucking know why I was in the fucking hospital. Then, as if he were a fucking angel from heaven, a man in a white lab coat entered the room. “Ah, Ms. Fisher, I see you’re awake.” He said cheerfully.
He smiled at me and then turned to everyone else and said, “I hate to be a stickler, I know you’re all anxious to visit, but Ms. Fisher still needs a lot of rest.” Thank the fucking lord, people were leaving! Now if only that doctor could tell me what the fuck is going on, he would be my new fucking hero.
Everyone slowly left the room except for John who didn’t budge from my side. The doctor didn’t try to make him go and personally I was ok with that. I looked at the man who had almost touched me. His eyes were dark and beautiful but scary at the same time. There was so much emotion behind them. He seemed hurt and really worried. He was the last to leave and I don’t think he was all that happy about having to go but he didn’t protest at all. He had to be the one John was talking about. He had to be Howie.
He caught me staring and stopped walking. I think he wanted to say something or maybe he was hoping I would. No fucking way was I going to be the first one to speak. Not after what John said. This guy appeared to care about me but there was no fucking way I could possibly have fallen… I won’t even say it; it’s so ridiculous. He’s not even my type. Anyway, when he stopped it made me nervous and I quickly looked away. When I looked up again he was gone. Only me, John and the doctor were still in the room.
The doctor began asking me routine questions like, “Are you tired?” and “Do you have any difficulty breathing?” and “Does it hurt when I do this?” I just wanted to scream, “What the fuck do you think? Yes to it all!” but I didn’t. I was about to, but then he asked if I remembered what happened and I was too fucking curious to be pissed off anymore. I shook my head.
“That’s not uncommon with head injuries.” He said with a smile.
“It’s more than just the… incident.” John said. What the fuck was up with that? Incident??? Does that mean it wasn’t an accident? You mean Danny didn’t run over me a with a dam car? Shit. “She actually doesn’t remember anything from about the last two weeks.” John informed.
“Again, that’s not that uncommon. You took quite a blow to the head little lady. There was quite a bit of swelling. Lucky for you it looks like there won’t be any permanent damage.”
“So you mean her memory will come back?”
“It’s hard to say. We don’t know if the memory loss is from the head trauma or if it’s more likely selective amnesia.”
“Selective amnesia?” John repeated.
“Sometimes when people have gone through something as horrific as Cindy here, they subconsciously block out the bad memories. She may not remember because she doesn’t want to.”
Bullshit! There was nothing I wanted more than to remember what happened. And I fucking love how they were talking about me as if I weren’t even in the fucking room. “That would make sense.” John said, “The trouble all started the night before her birthday and that is exactly what she can’t remember.”
I couldn’t listen to any more of this shit. “Damnit!” I yelled as loud as I possibly could although it hurt like hell and was still pretty pathetic sounding. “I’m right fucking here!”
Now that I had their attention… “Someone better tell me what the fuck happened right now or you’ll both be fucking sorry.”
The doctor felt bad, I could tell, but he still smiled. “Takes after her mother I see.”
How the fuck would he know that? “The bitch actually come to visit or something?” I laughed.
“She wanted to.” The doctor explained, “But she’s pretty banged up too so I told her she had to stay put at least until you woke up. No sense in wasting energy to visit an unconscious person.”
“She wasn’t too happy about that.” John laughed.
I felt a lump form in my stomach. Momma was hurt too? I know I called her a bitch and all, she is one, but she’s still my mother. “Momma’s here? In the hospital?”
“She’s gonna be ok Cin.” John assured me. “She wasn’t nearly in the kind of shape you were.”
“She’s being discharged today.” The doctor added.
“What happened?”
“Cuts and bruises mostly.” The doctor said, “She had a few bruised ribs and a sprained wrist, but that’s nothing compared to you.”
“What happened to me?”
I asked the question before I realized that I might just get an answer and suddenly I didn’t think I wanted to know. When the doctor sighed I held my breath knowing that he was about to give me a very lengthy explanation. “Well,” he said and John grabbed my hand tightly again, “The bat to the head did the most damage. You lost a good amount of blood and there was quite a bit of swelling in your brain. You’ll never have 20/20 vision again, but it’s nothing contact lenses can’t fix.”
A bat to the head? Somebody beat me with a fucking baseball bat? Who the hell would do that? And Why? We’re we robbed? I guarantee you there was nothing in our shitty little trailer worth breaking in for. Oh God I wished he was going to stop there but somehow I knew there was more, lots more. I couldn’t help the tears that began trickling down my face. The doctor saw the tears and hesitated for only a moment before continuing with the damage report. “You have a fractured jaw, 6 broken ribs and the bullet punctured your lung.”
I’d been shot too? No fucking wonder I hurt like hell. “Other than that?” the doctor continued, “Everything’s pretty banged up but you should be fine. Your assailant was pretty rough and you were a little torn up but he didn’t do too much damage there. You’ll still be able to have children and all that someday. And the rape kit came back negative for any diseases. Overall you took a pretty severe beating but with time you’re going to be ok. You’re a hell of a fighter.”
“Strongest person I know.” John said choking back a sob.
The few drops of water that had been falling from my eyes was now a river flowing down my cheeks as I realized what had been done to me. It was every woman’s nightmare and now it was more than that. It was my reality. I began to sob and John wrapped his arms around me. Normally I would kick someone’s ass for hugging me but God did I need it right then.
I sat there in John’s arms and cried for a minute. “We have a psychiatrist on staff who specializes in this kind of thing. I’ll give her a call.” The doctor offered, “But right now I think you should try and get some more rest. You’re still really weak.”
John nodded to the doctor but I couldn’t reply. “I’ll be back to check on you in a bit and if you need anything just call for the nurses.”
I thought I had been crying already, but when the doctor left I really lost it. “How could this happen John?” I cried, “Who would do such a thing?”
I felt John’s arms stiffen around me and I knew he knew who had done this to me. I pulled myself away from him and looked at him with desperation. “Maybe we should wait for the shrink.” He whispered.
“God John! Please! Just tell me who did this!”
“Well Hank-
“Oh god!” I gasped without letting him finish. “Hank! You mean my own father actually ra-
“No! Cindy. God, no.” John didn’t let me actually say the word and I was glad he didn’t. Without actually saying it, maybe I could still pretend it didn’t happen. If anyone asks, Danny ran me over with the fucking car. “Hank started in on your mom again and you went to stop him. I guess he figured you would come and he brought some help. Hank’s the one that shot you, but he didn’t…”
John’s voice trailed off. I guess he couldn’t say it out loud either. “Then who?”
John looked away from me. He really, really didn’t want to tell me, but I had to know. “Who!” I yelled.
He stared down at his lap and could barely squeak the name but it rang loud and clear in my mind. “Pete Jensen.” That name would haunt me for the rest of my life. I almost wish he hadn’t told me although I’m sure I would have figured it out eventually anyway. He and dad have been friends since grade school and he’s the only other person in town that was capable of something so evil.
The room started to spin and John reached for the bedpan just in time for me to heave into it. I felt destroyed. To think of that sick fat fuck, god it still makes me sick! “Tell me he’s in fucking jail!” I whispered when I was finished vomiting.
“Prison actually.” John said. “Howie and Brian had their lawyers all over it before he was even released from the hospital. Howie said they’re some of the best attorneys in existence so hopefully Pete will never see the light of day again.”
I didn’t know what to feel at that point. I was humiliated and disgusted and fucking terrified but it felt good to know that those fuckers would rot forever. Except John didn’t say anything about my dad. Surely he was right there with Pete. Maybe he was even worse off. He did fucking shoot me. Isn’t that attempted murder? “And my dad? That fucker should fry for what he did.”
“Cindy your father’s dead. Your momma shot him.”
I cried again. The weird thing is though, I wasn’t sure if my tears were happy tears or sad tears. I had no remorse for my father. That bastard got exactly what he deserved. I did feel bad for my mom though. As sick as it might be, she loved him. She always had, and now she had his death on her conscience.
Since the moment I’d waken up I wanted nothing except to know what had happened, and now I knew. The doctor was right, fucking selective amnesia. Suddenly I understood why my brain had opted to block it all out. It was too late to take it back, but I still wished I hadn’t found it out. The information was more than a little overwhelming and I said nothing more. I cried for a bit while John held me and before long I was asleep. With any luck it was all a nightmare and when I woke up I would be far from this fucking hospital.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Hey guys! Finally! -lol For some reason I had a hard time getting this chapter down on paper even though I knew exactly what was going to happen. Writers block sucks. Anywhoo... So close to the end I can almost taste it! Hopefully I wont have trouble with the next chapter.
