Chapter 20: A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes
When I willed myself to dream about Howie I kind of hoped I would remember something that actually happened, but as I stood on the dock of the deserted lake watching Howie remove his clothes, I didn’t feel the need to complain. I know it was a dream and all, but damn can I imagine up a killer body! I was all ready for some kinky x-rated dream but then Howie took off running and dove into the water. He urged me to follow him so I stripped off my own clothes. I don’t know how I managed to conjure up such hot underwear though, I’ve never owned anything that sexy in my life.
Anyway, I followed him out to the middle of the lake where there was this floating platform and we just laid there. It was just like this picture Hal showed me of my mom once. It was a real lake, not too far from where I lived and I’ve always wanted to swim out there like that. I figured that’s why my brain had picked that location for my horny fantasy. Or at least I thought it was a horny fantasy, but just when I thought it was about to get good, Howie was suddenly dressed again. He was wearing a tuxedo and I could feel myself wearing heeled shoes as he pulled me into his arms. I took a closer look and realized that the dress was actually a fucking wedding gown and the shoes on my feet were glass fucking slippers! Just like the fucking real Cinderella!
Howie began spinning me around in circles and the moment we started dancing a song began to play. I didn’t know the song but my heart ached when I heard it. God the dream was so fucking real that I could feel his breath on me. I could smell his intoxicating scent and I could feel his strong arms around me. The moment was so perfect that even though I knew it was a dream I nervously anticipated the feel of his lips on mine. I knew that’s what he was about to do and I lusted after his kiss like I’ve never wanted anything more.
Howie leaned in to give me exactly what I desired and just before I could taste him a loud bell began ringing. We looked around to see where it was coming from, but it was like it was out of thin fucking air. As it continued to chime I recognized what I was hearing, clock bells. My heart filled instantly with fear although I’m not sure what I was scared of. I looked at Howie and he seemed sad. “It’s midnight.” He whispered and then blew me a kiss off his fingers. The clock struck twelve declaring the end of the dream causing Howie to vanish along with it. I suddenly found myself alone in the middle of the lake. “Help me!” I screamed, “Somebody help me! Howie! Howie where are you!”
“Nobody’s coming to help you bitch!” I heard a voice say behind me. “It’s just you and me now.”
I whirled around to see Pete standing in the exact spot where Howie had just been and he was practically foaming at the fucking mouth. “It was nice of you to get all dressed up for me princess.” He snarled.
I looked down and was no longer wearing a wedding dress but was back in nothing but my bright red bra and panties. I felt a chill run down my body as his eyes roamed. He took a step toward me and I wanted to run. I wanted to hit him, I wanted to fight. I wanted to rescue myself from this awful nightmare but I couldn’t move. I felt his hands on me and began to thrash. We struggled for a minute and I freed myself from his grip and fell backward into the cold deep water.
Suddenly I couldn’t breath and no matter how hard I swam I couldn’t get back to the surface. There was something holding me back. I looked down into the darkness below me and saw the dead body of my father trying to pull me into the very pit of hell. I screamed Howie’s name one last time as loud as I could praying that he might be able to save me, but as I screamed the water entered my lungs and I began to cough. I coughed and I coughed, and as I waited for death to take me suddenly I heard the faint whisper of a familiar soft voice. “Cinderella.”
It was the voice of an angel and I calmed down immediately. I was being called home. “Cinderella wake up.”
My eyes flew open at the command. I woke up in the hospital coughing violently. I couldn’t really breathe and I was a bit disoriented, but thank God it had only been a dream. For a moment there it seemed more real than I care to admit. In fact I was so completely drenched in sweat that I wasn’t entirely convinced I hadn’t been in that lake. I looked around though and sure enough I was lying in my hospital bed with no fucking lake in sight. “Cinderella? Are you all right?”
“What the fuck did you just call me?”
If I had the strength, I would have hit him, but it’s a good thing I didn’t. I snapped before I even knew who had rescued me from my nightmare. When I looked up Howie turned his gaze to his feet and shrunk away from my bedside obviously feeling like shit. Damnit! Not the best way to start things off, and after the way he held me in that dream I might just be willing to give it a shot. “I’m sorry.” He whispered sinking deep into a chair a good ten feet from my bed.
“No, look, I’m sorry.” I said starting to fucking back track. “I just, I really hate that name.”
The man gave a slight nod to show he understood but he still couldn’t look me in the eye. I don’t think it was because I yelled at him either, I think it was hard for him to see me. I felt really bad for him. I mean it must feel pretty shitty to be completely forgotten just when you thought you were going to live happily ever after. That just goes to show that you should never believe in fucking fairy tales. I had to do something though. I couldn’t just let him sit there like that. “Howie?” I asked.
I was surprised at how shy I sounded. When I spoke his name he looked up at me with a flicker of hope in his face. “You remember me?”
He seemed so desperate that it killed me to have to say no. I couldn’t get the actual word out so I shook my head and his face dropped once again. God it was fucking torture. “I just wanted to make sure it was really you. We haven’t actually been introduced yet.”
Howie shut his eyes and if I didn’t know any better I’d say he was pushing back tears. As if I didn’t feel bad enough? “God wait. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean…”
I stumbled over my words because I didn’t have any idea how to make the man feel better. “Its ok.” Howie said mustering a weak smile.
I didn’t know what to think about this guy. He seemed shy and he was obviously sensitive. Well dressed, refined, and definitely from the big city. If I hadn’t heard Leighanne tell me over and over that he liked me, I would probably think the man was gay. Even straight though, he was the complete opposite of what I liked in guys. Leighanne used the term fate once and I laughed at her but after looking at this guy? It would take something as crazy as fate to bring us together.
“So, um I talked to Brian and Leighanne, and they said that you… well that we sort of…”
Howie’s eyes got real big and you could see the red in his cheeks despite the darkness of his complexion. “Oh no!” he gasped, “We didn’t do that! We were never intimate or anything. God I’m sorry if you thought-”
It hurt like hell to do it, but I laughed. “Shit hon, I wasn’t talking about sex.” I teased. “Although if we had it wouldn’t have been the first time I fucked a guy and didn’t remember it.”
I was relieved to see him finally crack a smile but I didn’t expect the, “I know.” That he muttered under his breath.
“What do you mean you know?” I asked curiously.
“Nah, it’s nothing.” Howie said trying to casually brush off his statement.
“That wasn’t nothing.” I said playfully, “That was anything but nothing. What the hell were you talking about?
Howie looked at me for a moment and then grinned like the fucking devil. I was kind of surprised to see it. It showed the confidence I’d yet to see in him. “You sure you want to know?” he teased.
Talk about the cat dangling the fucking cheese, of coarse I wanted to know! He was giving me a hard time now and I gotta say, it was kind of turning me on. Well it was either that or I was just remembering my dream. I couldn’t be exactly sure but I think he gave me that same playful smile right before he jumped into the lake. How could that have been possible though? It couldn’t be the same smile unless I actually remembered that about him instead of just making it up. I studied the look just a little too long and the awkwardness crept back into the situation. “What is it?” Howie asked sounding a little worried again.
“What? Nothing.” I said snapping from my daydream, “Now are you going to tell me which one of your friends I did the deed with or not?”
Howie laughed again. “How do you know I’m talking about one of my friends?”
“Come on, I know what I get like on my birthday. The only other people besides you that helped me celebrate it were Danny and John and since it didn’t go over so well the last time I slept with either of them, then it had to be one of you guys. You said it wasn’t you, so…”
“You’ve slept with both John and Danny?”
Ha! Like I needed to go there right now! Hmmm, I’ll take the avoiding the question road thank you. “I bet it was that sexy mother fucker with the earrings right?”
Howie laughed at me again, “Actually it was Nick.”
“He’s not the one with the earrings?”
“Earrings would be AJ. Nick is the baby of the group. Tall… blonde… a little obnoxious…”
“The one I punched? How the hell’d that happen?”
“Hal gave you a bottle of Jack for your birthday. There was a drinking contest and when you had to call it a draw you sort of got into an argument.”
“And that led to sleeping together?”
“Nick double-dog dared you.”
“He double-dog dared me? Jesus Christ am I fucking easy or what?”
“There was a lot of alcohol involved.” Howie laughed.
“There fucking better have been.” I laughed. Damnit I really can be a jackass sometimes. “So you’re telling me that after witnessing such a god awful display of public drunkenness you still asked me out?”
Howie shrugged. “I couldn’t help it. I think you’re amazing.”
Shit! Was I blushing? I don’t fucking blush. Then again, I don’t get called fucking amazing either. “I’ve been called a lot of things in my day, but I sure as hell ain’t never been called that. You sure there’s not a lot of alcohol involved right now?”
“Stone sober.” Howie laughed as he stood up from his chair. I felt my heart start to speed up a million miles an hour as he slowly made his way over to me. “You are this wild and crazy, strong, sexy, funny woman who could easily kick the shit out of me and yet when you let your guard down, you’re the most vulnerable, sweet, adorable woman I’ve ever met.”
Now that was a fucking speech, shit. I didn’t know people talked like that outside of TV. Howie was obviously caught up in the moment and he stared intensely at me as he sat himself on the side of my bed. He reached for my hand and I did everything I possibly could not to flinch when he touched me. I held my breath hoping that it would keep my body from shaking. I was scared. I didn’t want to tell him that, he seemed like a nice man and he did just say the kindest thing anyone’s ever said to me. Fuck, I didn’t know whether to hide from him or kiss him. Instead I froze. He took my hand in his and began to slowly rub the back of it with his thumb.
I couldn’t take my eyes away from his hand on mine. It was like nothing I’ve ever felt before. It’s not just that I need to use whatever brand of lotion that man uses, but more than just soft hands, it was the way he touched me. It was like he was trying to send the feelings that were in his heart through his fingers and into me. I could feel him staring at me but I couldn’t look up at him. I just watched him rub my fucking hand. “There are so many different sides to you and I can’t help falling in love with each and every one of them.” He whispered.
Considering I met this man, what, like ten minutes ago, I was a little fucking overwhelmed. I couldn’t stop the trembling in my body any more than I could stoop the moisture that was now gathering in my eyes. Howie realized I was crying and instantly pulled his hand away from mine to cover his mouth as he gasped. “I’m sorry.” He said, “Oh my god Cindy, I forgot. I’m so sorry.”
I gave him a confused look when he got up. “Maybe it’s best if I just go.” He said sadly.
Oh God it was awful. Howie felt like shit and I felt fucking confused. “Howie wait, you don’t have to go.” I said even though I wasn’t sure if I wanted him to stay or not. The truth is I was as scared of him as I was of hell but at the same time there was just something about him that I couldn’t turn away.
He stopped and looked at me again. “No.” he sighed, “I think I’d better go. I tend to get a little emotional. The guys give me shit for it all the time. I can’t promise I won’t say something like that again and it’s getting very hard not to kiss you.”
My face went white as a fucking ghost at his warning and yet all I could think about was how close he came to kissing me in my dream and how badly I wanted it. Howie took one look at my face and headed for the door. “Fuck Howie!” I yelled in frustration. He stopped dead in his tracks and whirled around. He was a little more than fucking surprised by my reaction. “You can’t just say something like that and then leave, shit!”
Howie came back to my bedside but remained standing and didn’t try to touch me. “I’m sorry.” He said, “I can stay if you really want me to, I just don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”
“Then how about we lay off the declarations of love for a while and just talk. Why don’t you fill me in on what we did the day I got in a fight with Danny? Leighanne says we spent hours together.”
Howie’s eyes seemed to drift off into a memory. He smiled for a split second but it was quickly replaced with sadness. “What is it?” I asked.
Howie sighed. “It’s nothing.”
“It’s not nothing.” I joked softly.
“Look you said no more declarations of love and if I talk about that day at the lake, that’s exactly what you’ll get.”
“The lake?” I gasped. I was fucking stunned. Was it possible I didn’t make that up? Had we really been at the lake together? “What about the lake? Did we really go to the lake?” I asked.
Howie nodded slowly and I was so relieved at the thought of a memory that I immediately started crying. “What? Cindy what is it?”
“We went swimming.”
Howie was astonished by the suggestion. He didn’t answer. I guess I really didn’t ask a question but I still thought he might confirm it. God I hoped I hadn’t imagined it. I wanted the dream to be real so badly and the suspense was fucking killing me. “Howie!” I snapped pulling him from his shock. I didn’t mean to be rude but I was a tad bit emotional. “Did we fucking jump in the lake or not?”
“You remember.” He breathed.
He still hadn’t said yes or no but his answer was good enough for the time being. “I don’t know.” I answered truthfully. “I had this dream and we were at the lake and we swam out to the dock in the middle of the water and we just laid there.”
I would have been surprised by the tears in Howie’s eyes had I actually had time to respond to them. There were already plenty of tears in my own fucking eyes and before I could do anything Howie had cupped my face in his hands and was wiping my salted cheeks dry. “That’s right! You said you wanted to be happy like your mom so we swam out to the middle of the lake and just enjoyed the sunshine.”
I smiled through my tears clinging to the piece of the truth I had uncovered. Obviously the whole dream wasn’t real, but the piece of it that was, was fucking incredible. God the way I felt in that dream as I lied next to him was so powerful. The image still felt like a dream but the feelings were starting to feel more like memories.
I thought about how we began dancing in my dream. Since I was in a wedding dress I know that part wasn’t real but Leighanne said that we had danced. I couldn’t help but wonder if even though it was still at the lake, my brain was trying to remember the dancing. It’s not like I’d ever danced with anyone before so I couldn’t be remembering something else. The dream was too vivid. The way it felt, the way it sounded, the way he smelled, I couldn’t have made all that up. “And we danced?” I whispered.
“Several times.” Howie replied softly.
“But there was a song. I don’t know it but I would recognize it if I heard it.”
Howie smiled again and hopped up from the bed. He pulled something from a jacket and then resumed his place beside me. “Do you remember this?” he asked placing the object in my hand. The locket was fucking beautiful but I’d never seen it before. I studied it curiously. “I gave this to you the last time I saw you.”
“You did?” I gasped. I didn’t remember that, but shit I still almost wanted to cry. No one had ever given me fucking jewelry before, and this must have been expensive. Howie opened the locket and it began to play soft music in my hands. It only took a second or two for me to recognize the tune. “There was a song,” Howie said, “This song. On your birthday. It was the first song you ever danced to but you were so drunk you couldn’t remember. I got this for you so that you would never forget again.”
I couldn’t help the way I stared at the locket. It was the nicest thing anyone had ever done for me. I noticed the engraving and had to fight off tears. This was almost like a fucking fairytale. Just what kind of a man had I stumbled upon here? The kind I’m pretty sure you don’t let go. Howie was waiting for some kind of something from me. I could tell that he was excited that I’d remembered something but he was still scared of frightening me.
I didn’t know what I was feeling exactly. I was scared but my heart was burning. It’s like my heart remembered what my brain couldn’t. I looked down at the hands Howie held in his lap. I had to know if what I felt in my dream was real. I ignored the pain I was causing my self as I sat up as straight as I could and my hands started to shake I was so fucking nervous. I’m not sure why, but I took Howie’s hands and gently pulled him close to me. He didn’t move except to follow my prompts. He leaned closer to me and I think I felt him shudder when I rested my head on his shoulder. I don’t know what compelled me to do that but I closed my eyes and buried my face deep in his neck. When I inhaled I instantly recognized the sweet smell. Howie slowly pulled me into a soft embrace and having his arms around me felt so familiar. It was just like I had dreamed. “I remember this.” I whispered as I let the water in my eyes roll freely down my face. “It feels safe.”
“You are safe.” Howie promised me.
Somehow I knew he was telling the truth. I knew he was going to keep me safe and I knew that somewhere inside of me I felt for him the way he felt for me whether I remembered what happened or not. There was just one more thing I needed to know. I pulled myself from his arms and looked into his eyes. Something about them was fucking magical. “Kiss me.” I asked shyly.
If I wasn’t so fucking nervous I would have laughed at Howie’s reaction to my request. I know he fucking wanted to more than anything, but he was fucking shocked. “Are you sure?” he asked.
God how cute was that? I’ve never been treated more respectfully in all my life. Kind of made me feel like a fucking lady. That, and seeing that he was as nervous as I was, actually made it a lot easier. I wasn’t scared of him as much as I was scared of how much I might like it. “It’s the only way I’m gonna know for sure.” I answered.
Howie still hesitated. “If you wait too long I’m gonna chicken out.” I said, “Please, just kiss me.”
Howie finally nodded and as he moved toward me slower than I ever thought fucking possible, my heart began to flutter. I was like a fucking 8th grader anticipating my first kiss on the fucking playground. I shut my eyes and felt the soft touch of his lips on mine.
I’ve kissed a lot of guys but never have someone’s lips touched me so delicately. You know when you eat cotton candy and it fucking melts when it touches your mouth? That’s what Howie’s kiss felt like except I was the cotton candy against his lips. It felt so good it was like fucking torture. Fireworks would be an understatement; the kiss was that fucking powerful. Howie started to pull away from me but I was so thirsty for him that I reached up and pulled him back cupping his face in my hands. He didn’t protest. In fact he actually deepened the kiss allowing his tongue to slide softly into my mouth.
I couldn’t believe what was fucking happening to me. Love at first fucking sight? That wasn’t possible, was it? My head was spinning and time was standing still. This was the moment that every girl dreams of her whole life. How the fuck did I get so lucky? Finally I let Howie go thought part of me would have liked to hold on forever and I shyly looked at me lap. He said nothing. “I’m falling in love with a fucking stranger.” I finally whispered after I’d caught my breath.
God that sounded sappy! I guess that means it must have been true. Love tuns everyone into big fucking saps. I blushed but forced myself to look back into those soft brown eyes. “I must be fucking crazy.”
“Yeah, it must be that severe head injury talking.” Howie teased.
“Smart ass.” I laughed and then Howie pressed his lips lightly to mine again.
Author's Chapter Notes:
LAST CHAPTER!!!! WOOHOO!!! But don't forget to read the epilog though (that's the real ending) And don't forget to tell me what you thought!
