Chapter 5: Mixed Feelings
Getting home from Lexington that day proved to be a more challenging task than I’d anticipated, but getting home wasn’t really the important thing. The important thing is that I had a lot of time to think about everything that had happened over the last two days. The truth is, that Howie guy messed me up. Where the hell did he get off saying shit like that? Amazing? How the fuck could I be amazing? And worse, why did it bother me so much?
I mean, God, that was… nice. Why the fuck was I mad that someone was nice to me? Danny and John were nice to me all the time, but that’s Danny and John. They don’t count. They have to be nice to me or I’ll beat them up. They’re like my brothers. Well, more like stepbrothers, otherwise I’d be a twisted incestuous freak.
Honestly though, I just couldn’t figure out what was bothering me and I didn’t have a soul to talk to about it. I’m pretty sure that this problem was a kind of woman problem and that left everyone I know out of the question. I really only know one woman and she married my father so I didn’t know how much help she was going to be, but I was desperate. I actually hadn’t seen my mother since I cleaned her up and dumped her in bed two nights ago so I picked up a bottle of rum on the way home to soften her up a bit.
I know I rag on my mom a lot but deep down I do love her. I mean it’s not really her fault. Dad fucked her over pretty bad. If I had her life I’d probably drink myself into a coma everyday too. She wasn’t always like this. Hal’s told me a few stories about her before she married my dad. I even saw a picture of her when Hal had taken her camping back in high school. She was sunbathing by a lake in a colorful bikini.
She was actually quite beautiful and she had the most gorgeous smile on her face, but I’ve never seen that smile in real life. My fucking bastard of a father has beaten her down so many times it’s like she doesn’t have a soul anymore. I’ve tried to reach out to her before. It’s not that I would like a relationship with my mom, but she’s just too far gone. She’s just not helpable anymore. Dad’s completely destroyed her.
I stopped by Hal’s and told him I wouldn’t be coming in tonight. He assumed I was still recovering from my birthday but really my head didn’t hurt all that bad anymore. Howie’s little wonder cocktail was like fucking magic. If I ever do see him again, remind me to get the recipe.
And there I go again, thinking about that fucking guy. I gotta stop doing that! The more I think about it the more pissed off and confused I get. I have literally seen the man for about 10 minutes and yet I can’t get him out of my brain. He’s not even my type. How the hell did he do that and how the hell do I get it to stop!
When I got home that night the sun was gone but it wasn’t quite dark yet. I heard her voice before I saw her. “Where the fuck have you been Cinderella?” Oh joy, she sounded sober.
“Nice to see you too mom. I brought you a present.”
I rounded the corner shaking the bottle of rum and found my mom lying on the couch. “My God! What the hell happened here?” The room was completely torn apart. The lamp was broken the TV on it’s face on the floor. Papers and books scattered everywhere. It looked like a tornado came through here but I hardly noticed it. I was too busy staring at my mother’s face. “Mom? Why did he do this to you?”
“Jesus Christ Cinderella! As if you don’t fucking know! He was looking for you. You’re father was pissed as hell about that shit you pulled the other night. You broke his fucking nose!”
“He was beating the shit out of you mom! What was I supposed to do, let him kill you?”
“What the fuck do you think he tried to do last night? You’re little stunt almost got me killed. Damnit girl when are you going to learn to use your head! You don’t mess with your father.”
“Well somebody goddamned has to! Fuck Mom, look at yourself! He can’t keep doing this! If I fucking see him again, I’m going to fucking kill him! End of story! Why the hell did those fuckers let him out of jail last night anyway?”
“Those bastards over there are fucking incompetent ass holes, you know that.”
I let go a heavy sigh. There was no use arguing about it anymore. My mom was the drunk wife of a woman beater, and she lived up to every stereotype there is. In another five minutes she would be defending his actions and telling me how much she loved him.
Mom looked bad this time. Real bad. “One of these days he’s going to kill you.” I said as I helped her up. I said it jokingly but I meant it. That bastard was never going to stop. I got her up and put her in the car. The nearest hospital was just south of Lexington about a half an hour up the highway. I gave my mom the bottle of rum and told her to drink away. I knew she had to be in a great deal of pain and I didn’t want to hear her bitch all the way there.
Hours later I was sitting in a hard plastic chair in a waiting room and my ass was starting to go numb. I couldn’t figure out what the hell was taking so long. My mom was pretty banged up but she wasn’t dying, at least I hope not. I don’t know, maybe it felt like longer than it was. I was there all by myself with nothing but my thoughts to entertain me and there were plenty of them.
As always I blamed myself for what happened to my mom. Funny how that always works. Dad beats the shit out of mom. I defend her and get pretty banged up in the process. Then dad nearly kills her and somehow it’s all my fault. I bet a shrink would have a field day with that logic.
I should have known though. I should have known that daddy wouldn’t spend more than one night in jail. He never does. And I sure as shit should have known that he would be angry. I should have been there last night. Of coarse the man was going to beat her up when he couldn’t find me, that’s what he does. And Mom’s fucking helpless.
I felt like shit. Guilty as fuck, because where the hell was I while mom was being raped and beaten to the near end of her life? I was getting piss drunk and sleeping with an ass-grabbing rich boy, cursing the very woman I was now praying would be all right. I really hate that I’m so fucking stupid sometimes. Runs in the family I guess.
When I just couldn’t sit anymore I wandered down to the cafeteria to find some coffee. Cream, but no sugar, just in case you’re wondering. I’m not really a big fan of anything sweet. Like Howie. He seemed like the sweetest man I’ve ever met. That’s probably why I ended up leaving him by the elevator and sleeping with Nick. He didn’t seem nearly as sweet. What the hell is wrong with me? Now I’m comparing Howie to coffee?
I have issues. Chuck was right, I have a weird thing for city boys. I’ve been a fucking mess ever since they showed up. In fact I’m thinking about them so much it’s like I am actually hearing their voices now. “Cindy? Is that you? What are you doing here?”
You know, the scary thing is, that I actually answered him before I knew he was really behind me. “I was actually thinking about taking a trip up to the psyche ward, and you?” I said rather sarcastically thinking I was really losing mind.
“Um, visiting my mom actually. Are you all right?”
I laughed a little to myself when I turned around and saw Brian staring at me as if I were losing it. Hell, maybe I was. “Yeah, I just, it’s been a long day.”
“Care to join me? I’ve had a long day myself.”
How could I resist such a smile? Brian and I began wandering the halls of the hospital until we found an empty sofa. Yeah, a chair with actual cushions! “So is your mom ok?” I asked hoping to keep the subject off of me as long as possible.
I felt bad to see the sparkle in his eyes fade. “She’ll be ok.” He said, “She’s come down with Alzheimer’s and my Dad can’t really take care of here anymore. That’s actually the reason my wife and I moved back to Kentucky, so we could be close. I wish we didn’t have to put her in the hospital but I travel so much with work that there’s just no other way.”
“God Brian, I’m so sorry.”
“Well the Lord has his plan for all of us so the most I can do is try to be at peace with it and help any way I can.”
“You’re a good son. I wish I could that good.”
Brian’s smile slowly started to come back. “So what brings you hear? Other than the psyche ward of coarse.”
“It’s my mom too.”
“Ah, now you see you’re a better kid than you thought if you’re here visiting your Mom too.”
“Not really, I’m kind of the reason she’s she in here.”
Shit! I didn’t mean to say that. Why did I say that? Now I was going to have to explain myself. I’m the bartender. People are supposed to tell me their problems not the other way around. I looked at Brian and there was no mistaking the look on his face. I was now going to have to tell him the entire story. “You see this?” I asked gesturing to the bruise on my face that had now faded into an ugly green-yellow. “Well my father did that so I broke his nose.”
I could tell that Brian was doing his best not to make any faces that might let me know how shocked he was. I felt bad for telling him. This good-natured country boy who had moved home to be close to his sick mamma probably had no idea that domestic violence wasn’t something Hollywood made up to sell tickets. I hated to strip the man of his innocence, but there really was no way to sugarcoat it, and now there was no avoiding it, so I just let go. “He was pretty pissed about it so while we were out getting plastered last night my dad was at home doing his best to kill my mom.”
We sat there for about an hour while I explained the wonderful tragedy that is my life. God it felt so good opening up to him like that. He turned out to be the shoulder I needed. He didn’t really have any advice to give me, how could he, but just being able to vent all my troubles made me feel better than I had in a long time.
Eventually after the subject had completely died things got a little quiet between us. I didn’t mind so much. I just felt so comfortable around him and it was getting pretty late so I was tired. My eyes started to close on me until I could feel Brian staring a hole right through me. When I looked at him he grinned like a little kid. “You’d better tell me what the fuck you’re grinning at.” I teased.
I was actually grateful for the change in mood. “Well I hate to sound like a fourth grader, but my friend told me he likes you and I was just thinking that you should go out with him.”
“I was wondering when you were going to bring that up.”
“You mean you know?”
“Yeah well, he kind of asked me out this afternoon but I said no.”
“But why? I think you too would have fun together. Besides, I noticed you checking him out last night.”
“I was?”
I was surprised when Brian laughed so forcefully. God I wish I knew what happened last night. “Are you really going to try and deny it? You were practically undressing him with your eyes.”
“I don’t really remember anything that happened last night so cut me some slack.” OK, there I was blushing again. “Look, Howie seems like a really sweet guy and I kind of felt bad for ditching him by the elevator like that, but— I stopped talking when I saw Brian’s face.
You would not believe the way Brian was looking at me after that. It was this strange mixture of shock, confusion, excitement and god knows what else. Total fucking bewilderment. “Howie?!” Brian finally asked nearly falling out of his chair with laughter, “I was talking about AJ.”
“Who the fuck is AJ? That blonde mother fucker?”
“Nope, that’s Nick. AJ’s the other one. Dark hair, tattoos, kind of looks like a rock star…”
“The sexy one?” Oh shit, said that out loud.
“Most women think so.”
Brian was now laughing hysterically. “I’m glad you find this so amusing.”
“I’m sorry, but if you knew the guys better, you’d understand.”
“Try me.”
“OK, well yesterday the guys had to take my car to the shop for me.”
“So I heard.” I said remembering meeting them for the first time.
“Well AJ called me telling me that he was in love with some woman that gave Nick what he deserved. When I found out later what you’d done to his face it all made sense. When he told Nick that he was going to ask you out Nick had a hissy. I think he really felt bad. He’s not used to… well… you kind of put him in his place. He wanted to ask you out so he could apologize. After that he and AJ spent the whole day fighting over who had dibbs. They’re gonna be pissed when I tell them Howie asked you out first.”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Three fucking rich city boys all fighting over who gets to ask me out? “You see we kind of have this rule that once one of the guys has asked a girl out, she’s off limits to the rest of us.”
“So you’re telling me a foursome is out of the question then?” Brian’s face went pale until I started laughing. I thought about telling him about waking up in Nick’s bed because that meant Howie broke the rules, but that meant Nick finding out we slept together and I didn’t want that to happen. “I’m just kidding, god! But you do sound like a fucking fourth grader.”
Brian giggled again and then asked the question I had been dreading ever since I first saw him. “SO, Howie huh? What did you mean when you said you ditched him by the elevator?”
I hesitated and then I blushed. Or maybe I blushed and then hesitated. Either way he KNEW something was up. No way did I want to have to tell him what I was doing in his friend’s hotel room. Technically I didn’t know that myself.
Brian gave me a look that I can only assume was reserved for his son when he wanted to know something. I tried to play it off as best I could. “He asked me out and I sort of freaked out. I said no and then just left. I’ve never been really good at that sort of thing.”
“So why’d you say no? Howie’s a really good guy. The best of the four of us anyway, by far. A girl could only be so lucky.”
“That’s exactly why I said no. He seems like a really sweet guy, but trust me, that man doesn’t need a foul mouthed, fuck-up with a nasty temper. He’s better off.”
Brian could sense that I wanted to drop the subject and I thanked God when he stopped pestering me about it. He was quiet for a minute and then gave me that devilish grin again. “Oh God! What is it now?”
“You really are foul-mouthed aren’t you?”
Brian and I had a good laugh and then we each went our separate ways. It turned out that Mom was going to be kept over night so I went home to get a decent night’s sleep. Since the shop was closed all weekend, tomorrow I was taking some time to myself. Brian had lifted my spirits some but I still felt like I had a lot of shit to figure out.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Hey everybody! Thanks for all the wonderful reviews! I hope you all had a wonderful holiday!
