"Mmmm...yeah, yeah" Brian sang. "You know Nick, I think that would be a good way to start our next ballad for TRL in 2001. With the acting thing." Brian told Nick, as they were finishing up the "Into The Millennium" tour.

"I know." I said, drinking another water laced with Vodka at the time. Not realizing how stupid I was behaving and acting. Howie came up to me and threw it into the backstage trash can. A lot of people were doing that back then.

"Stop that, or Kevin and I will have to send you to rehab, buddy." Howie told me. "We don't want you to turn out like that, your better than that dude." He kept telling me. Then gave me a huge tight hug, that lasted 5 minutes. Most people thought we were a gay group, in reality we are just a bunch of over-sensative men that love the ladies, love kisses,hugs, and we tend to cry at movies too much. Which may or may not be a good thing. I was hiding under my sunglasses again.

"Who is that hottie?" I asked Howie. "AJ," He replied in a rushed and loud voice. "That is Rochelle, she will be our new make up artist and occassional back up dancer for the shows." Howie told me. I smiled and thought to myself. "This is going to be good."

She looked at me, with her big smile, and tiny body, and that hair. 'Her hair is crazy shiny like in commericals. Seriously, what is she using to do that?' I thought, now I am turned on. Then again, I can get turned on by a woman who can use a microwave. I laughed to myself a bit, "Hi" I yelled back to her, as she was praticing with the cherographer to replace Teresa, the girl had her knee get hurt and she had to do make up and do the show.

So tonight, I decicided I would talk to her, and it would all be better. Then we could the "Black and Blue" tour and life would be "perfect" or close to it. As I went back stage for lunch. I saw Nick and Brian talking in the elevators to the stage about something. I couldn't hear what through, I just hoped it wasn't bad or about me, or the fans hating me since Rock bands had made a come back and sadly, I was helping it to them at this time in their lives.

I took a deep breath, hopefully it will be ok.

"Hi AJ!" Brian said to me. He gave me a big hug, "I know did you guys totally watch "Sex in the city" damn I love to look at those hot naked ladies on that show." Brian told me as a friend, I just laughed.

"Yeah, but Carrie would be on me before you Bri." I told him. He laughed. Trying to hide the fact, he felt he was a little insulted. As we ate, "AJ!" one of the drummers we had on staff yelled at me. I got up to talk to him.

"Why won't you let me play?" He asked. "Well, because we don't need you, and you keep trying to get the other guy injured or quitting." I told him. "Well, once you tried to hurt him with a 40 lb. weight, then you kept harassing him. If you don't change you may be fired, dude." I told him firmly. "Plus, you missed rehearsal again for the 20th time this year. WHY?" I asked him.

He stuttered then, the alcohol took over and I beat him up like crazy, the security guys had to split us up, his nose was bleeding a bit and he was scratched up. "I'll break you and hot girl up." He told me. "I don't have a girlfriend dude, just an annoying girl that is a fan that won't go away." Trying to hide my tears.

Kevin and Howie got up to confront me as we went outside the Buger King there. "What is wrong with you, J?" Howie asked me. "Drinking Vodka in your water, beating people up, getting in bar fights every other week, you've had black eyes at least ten times and hide it with foundation, mostiturizer, and cold cream." He told me.

Kevin got behind him, now Kevin and Howie are both tough. "I am sorry." I told them. "Sorry, doesn't cut it." Kevin told him. "Stop making excuses, you can work sober." Kevin told me. "Kevin you don't get it." I told him. "We're ROCKSTARS like KORN and BLINK 192, and Guns and Roses, and AC/DC and Kiss, and Journey, and..." I told him.

Howie inturrepted me as the other guys in the group confronted me. "It's Blink 182, and yes, they did it, but THEY GREW UP, GREW OLD, and THEY STOPPED, AND GOT LIVES." Howie yelled at me. "Don't make me stick Kevin on your ass. He can beat you two sides to Tuesday." Howie told me. I began crying. "Stop being a fucking cry baby." Howie yelled at me.

I pointed to Rochelle at the table. "You won't tell her, will you?" I asked sniffling and crying really hard for real, which Howie could see thorough my black sunglasses. "See her eating her nuggets and her salad, please, I want to take her out someday, she has been super nice and we danced well at rehearsals together." I told Howie. "Fine, we won't tell her. BUT NO MORE ALCOHOL AT WORK." The 4 of them yelled at me, I just sat the side walk crying as Howie held me like he was my older brother or something.

Back at rehearsals, things were worse, no fans to worry about this time. But ten music executives. Basically read me "The Riot ACT" aka, "Your screwed if you don't change for adults." for those not into learning cool phrasing in English.

"Mr. Mclean," a 40 something man, with brown hair, brown eyes, totally white, and as tall as Brian came up to. "We heard of your drinking, if it isn't stopped the record company Jive, Entertainmentlovin', Inc., and Ticketsellers, co. will be forcing you to postphone and end your guys tour for "Into the Millennium", instead of just canceling up to 5-7 shows."

He talked to me like a car salesman. Very matter-of-factly, and like the Principial in elementry school. "Now sign this, and try to curb that behavior to a time when you can actually get help, sir." He told me. As I gave him a hug, pretended to care, and left. Then I heard him chew the guys out. I ran to the Men's bathroom and began crying again in the bathroom stall.

"NO!" Howie shouted, snapping me out of AJ's story. "Rochelle." Howie told me. "Tell this idoit that isn't what happened?" Howie asked me as he brought the food for us to his bus. "You sent your people to lunch didn't ya'?" Howie asked. "All but security for the tour Howie." AJ told him.

"So what happened?" Rochelle asked. "Well..., That was Teresa, he praticed with you because she was sick, and then danced with her that night on stage and danced with you afterwards and then you told Kevin, Brian, and I to keep an extra eye on him." Howie corrected AJ's story. I kissed him on the lips. He was starting to sigh. "awwwwwwwwww" I cooed to him. "Baby." As I kissed him on the lips, I still love you forever." I told him. "I love you too, Rochelle." As I kissed him.  Then AJ decided to continue the story. "So..." He began again after that.

"So.." AJ continued. "Hi, I am Alex James Mclean. You are?" I asked. "Rochelle Denna Darris." She told me. "I can make you look awesome. Howie hired me so around your eyes, since you get in fights alot. To give you a more natural look with the foundation then the previous guy and whatever you guys do when you go out in public."She replied. I looked at her, pretty black hair with blue, pink, and red streaks in it. She had to be a size 4, and was healthy as could be. She had a pretty face, prefect complexion, and teeth.

"Ok!" I told her, as I washed my face, and then cleaned off the make up I had put on. "Let's see your work, beautiful." I told her.

She made up my face and told me how she grew up. "Then my father left when I was 10, he had an alcohol issue as well. But I got good enough grades when I was 17, I went to cosmotology college in Flordia, then moved to L.A." She told me. As I looked into the backstage mirror.

"I like." I told her, "I look cute?" I ask. "You look gorgeous." she told me. I could tell she was crushing too. 'Howie better not tell me "no" when it comes to her. When I am ready to date her.' I thought to myself.

Three days later

Baby, please try to forgive me
Stay here don't put out the glow
Hold me now don't bother if every minute it makes me weaker
You can save me from the man that I've become, oh yeah

----------************------------

"Oh-woah! We're Half way there! We're living on a prayer take my hand, and this I swear! Oh-woah! Living ON A PRAYER!" Bon Jovi sang through my stereo.

"I hate you AJ!" Sarah shouted on the phone. "We're friends NOW, THAT'S IT! I can MEET BETTER MEN AND HAVE THAN SOMEONE LIKE YOU. STOP CALLING ME!" She shouted making me cry.

"I hate you, you stupid f$%#$!" She cried. "I am married to someone BETTER now, now F--- off!" She cried at me. I began to cry again. Rochelle came up to me.

"You ok, boss?" She asked me. "No." I told her in a whinny raspy voice. "My exs hate me, and I can't live without them, and they won't forgive me, and..." then I brust into tears. Rochelle hugged me for 5 minutes then shut the door.

"Let's talk, AJ." She told me. With her pretty black hair, "Why are you beating yourself this way?" She asked. "Because I am not "good enough", not for Howie or them, or even some fans think we do things wrong. I mean we do, but that are the corrupt men running this business and that secret society and college crap! NOT BSB SO MUCH." I told her.

"Not for my father or my friends and I should be, when I work so damn hard." I told her. "I get tattoos so I never forget what I learned or where I went, or whom I meet or whom loves me, even when they say "I don't" or who I had sex with." I told her. She smiled and giggled which threw me off. '

"You do!" She shouted happily with a smirk and a dolphin laugh giggle. "I do too!" She shout enthusiastically. Howie smiled as he walked by AJ's dressing room door. He knocked pretending not to hear their conversation. "AJ, remember don't miss the 1/16th step on "Everyone" on the 2nd verse, and get the quarter one at the 2nd end chorus to "Larger than Life" and "Everybody" we have reviewed all week." Howie told them throw the door.

"Ok." I shouted back. "I will, I remember. Or else you, and 824 will beat me up or pinch me alot, I remember." Alex replied. "Does 824 love you?" she asked. "As a friend, we have alot in common, but we're not dating, we keep being off and on." I sighed. Rochelle hugged me. I smiled to myself as she whiped away my tears and showed me how to use foundation to hide my black eyes from bar fights I seemd to envitabliy get myself into. "See, easy, J." She told me. As she gave me a kiss on the nose.

"I'll finish your make up for the show, since it's in 90 minutes and we got to do your black and blonde hair you got in your bread which is a bit weird for a part Puerto Rican/Irish guy. Most just either have one or the other not so much both. Till you get older, it will be like that somewhat, cutie." She told me as she finished it. Then kissed my nose, before putting blush on it, which made my day. I smiled happily, and dumped out the alcohol in my secret "Water bottle" for the day. Then hugged me and I went on stage at 9:05 on the dot that night when scheduled in Montana like I was supposed to. I hit my steps and everything. Howie actually glowed, I think I saw gold light come off of him.

Friday!

"I know." Rochelle said as she was eating her salad, and her cell phone in the other. "Poor man." She said as she took a bit and drank her water bottle. "I feel sorry for AJ." She told him with a sigh.

"Don't worry, Bob." She said into the phone, "their good guys, just really misguided and alot stupider than they know for "smart" musicans." she said using quotations marks. Which made AJ pay more attentiont to the conversation. Wondering why none of his friends were eating with him or any of his band mates.

"I know AJ, I hope he gets off that stuff. Don't tell the tabloids." She told her boyfriend again. "Pick up noodles and we'll have speghetti when I get back from touring, Bubba." She said sweetly into the phone. "Now, I got to try and date me some of that someday I hope." I said to myself. As she kissed her phone, 3 tables away in the backstage cafeteria.

In the corner side of the room, the rest of the Backstreet Boys were at table together. "I don't know what if we can't get him off of that stuff, ever?" Nick asked. "I mean, all of our managers blame the poor kids or the working poor for anything bad that happens, maybe they introduced him?" Howie asked.

"What if your wrong?" Brian asked. "Well, we got to plan for rehab, I am tired of finding alcohol bottles and him getting us late or screwing up 5 or 6 numbers in a row!" Kevin complained. "I know." Nick chimed in. "People don't know how hard we have it." Howie chimed up. "Yeah." the rest of the group replied. I began to cry, only hearing half the conversation as I threw out my lunch. Then I purposely walked to Rochelle's table starting to cry again.

"You ok, Alex?" Rochelle asked. "No." Alex said crying to her. "I am scared BSB will make me go to rehab and kick me out forever." Alex said as he cried into her arms. All the other guys looked at them hugging.

"Yep, Alex will have no problem coming back if he does, he already has female attention already." Howie said quietly pointing at the table as he grabbed Nick's forearm and made him sit down next to him, so AJ didn't see them observing him.

"Ok, we give it 3 more months, if Rochelle helps and he stops, Awesome!" Howie said, "if not?" Kevin asked. "Then he will have to go to rehab for now on and when his agent or managers ask him to go or us." Howie replied.

Still Friday...

"It is ok." Rochelle comforted me. "I am here." She told me sweetly. "Now, Alex." She said queitly but sweetly to me; now in private from the fans, the group, the band, the employees, the lighting crew, and the venue people, and managment. I told her everything.

"All my girlfriends left me, even 824!" I cried hysterically. "I bet Howie already knows too and told the guys about it." I continued. "She is the only one who loved me online and didn't even know it was me a Backstreet Boy!" I continued.

"awwwwwwwwww" Rochelle uttered sweetly into my ear, then kiss my nose, and wipped away my tears again. "Shhhh, shhh, shh. calm down honey." She told me sweetly. "I'll be your friend it will be ok." She told me. "I'll be glowing for you, forever as a friend, you never have to worry, and you'll be able to take her back as BFFE and everything. We'll have her at the wedding and everything, unless a stuck up Tyler Shields and the wedding planner lie to me and tell me different to accomeddate Donald Trump and his stuck up rich friends that won't help anyone." She told me.

I hugged her. "Can we watch "South Park" together and "Friends", and "The History Channel" and "Antiques Forever" on TV tonight too, after the show on my Tivo thing?" I asked her, I was still crying. "Yes, Sweetie J, we can." She whispered to me.

----------------------------------------------------

"About time!" Kevin Yelled carrying the McDonald's food in his hand for the group. "YAY!" I replied back. "Food!" Rochelle cried happily with excitment in her voice. "You got my quarter pounder." I stated to Brian. "Yes," Brian said. "We did."

"Nick, why did you make yourself look "sick" for Lauren so she could look like an ugly model in that organge dress in that picture?" I asked. "Because she has sex like Paris Hilton." Nick told me. "So do 6 Billion other girls and women." I replied.

"Besides, everyone knows she is a gold digger, she has bullied the 2 longest BSB fans, and that one Buckeye girl still wants to date you. I can't believe your father gives it up for lies and bullying over brains, beauty, and knowing how to make Christmas, Easter, and Turkey Day dinners." I told him.

"Also, you can tell she is more into her than you, when she makes you look like you have the flu in an appearance." Rochelle chimmed in. Howie nodded; happily eating his fries. As the rest of the guys sat at the table to eat.

"AJ and Rochelle are telling us their long version love story. You care to listen after we eat, guys?" Howie asked. "I guess, it can't hurt. Give me some time to think." Nick replied, crying a little over the truth about Lauren Kitt.  "Howie will catch you up." I replied as I took a big bite into my quarter pounder chesse burger. Then Rochelle sipped her chocolate milkshake.

Lookin' back on the things I've done
I was tryin' to be someone
I played my part, kept you in the dark
Now let me show you the shape of my heart

As the group sang the chorus live at the Orlando arena in their jersies. AJ kept thinking what lead to that night, and 2001 when he missed the show in Boston, MA and upset Rochelle again. The TRL NEWS BREAK that changed his life and a girl in a small town America.

May 8th, 2001

It was a normal day at her school, it was about 12:15pm in the afternoon, AJ had come into the school and was signing autographs looking for his friend all over the school. Lockdowns hadn't been initaited in the small town yet. He was hopeing she would go with him to Mexico and he could drown his troubles, have sex, and get high like he dreamed as a young teen ten years ago.

"Hi, ladies." AJ said. "It's so cool, look at all the pretty circles and squares." He told a cheerleader girl. "Ewwwww, she is dating him online." She told her friend as they walked to their english class for the 2nd half of their school day.

Then "824" walked up to him. Dark blonde hair, blue eyes, small hands, big nose, petite, dolphin laugh. Everyone else walked to class. AJ was totally out of it clearly. "AJ, you ok?" She asked. "Yes, I am." AJ said. "Howie beat me up for missing a show in Boston and making us look unprofessional to NKOTB." He told her. "Who?" She asked.

"New Kids on the Block, you know?" He replied. She grabbed his hand and took him to outside of the science class room. "AJ, you can't be here, I have chemisty class." She told him. "I can show you some chemisty in the hotel room." He said. "Why don't you love me?" He asked.

"I do love you." She replied. "No you don't. Or else you would have drove to the airport and meet me in Mexico." AJ replied back. "AJ, I don't have a license yet, I still get too nervous making split decisions like that." She replied. He finally began to cry. "No one loves! NO ONE LOVES! NO ONE LOVES ME!" He shouted and began wheeping. She hugged him tight.

"Calm down, Alex, it's ok." She told him, the 16 year old told him. All dressed in a cute white t-shirt and tight sliver and rhinestoned studded and lace up jeans. "Does God even love me?" AJ asked. "Yes, he does." She told him.

"But your a witch." AJ cried. "I know, maybe someday you'll help me like I helped you." She replied. "But God doesn't love me, Howie had to beat me up, since I tried to hold him down on the coach in the recording studio so he would understand me." AJ kept crying. She could see he had a bruised chin, bruised right cheek, bleeding nose from too much drugs and the fight, and 2 black eyes under his sunglasses and his eyes shone sadly through the dark black sunglasses.

"Fine, if there is a God, then when you save me someday, we'll be friends, BFFE friends." She told him. "Like you and Howie are, and Nick are." She told him. He agree to it. "He kept crying, but God doesn't love me and I don't know how to get my girlfriends back, and my friends, and my family." he began crying tons and tons.

"Can I have a black marker for a minute. It will help you." She told him. "But I want to make it with three girls." AJ said, that gave her an idea to hypnotize him into thinking he had been with them. First she drew a cross on his arm, and a small heart with wings, and "Winner" on his back and on his forehead. "Now wear your hat, go to the airport and go to Promises rehab like Howie told you too." She told him.

Then hypnotized him into thinking the drawings on his arms were women he was with and she drew an angel on his card and on his arm for him. Then kissed him and gave him hugs. Not realizing the students were watching them from the science room in the empty hallway by the stairs. "Now get rid of those 2 drug dealers you brought here and call a cab to meet outside of the end of the neighborhoods by here ok?" She asked him. Then hugged him. "Fine, I'll make a truce with the guys and I, until your better." She told him.

Then after 20 minute lockdown after AJ and the 2 dealers left the property and his cab for the airport cam. She e-mailed Howie as soon as she got home. Then TRL came on at 4pm on the dot. "Guys, I am sorry, the Backstreet Boys have an announcement today." Carson Daly told the camera in the blue and starry studio in Times Square in NYC, NY.

The Backstreet Boys all sat there sadly. "We hate to announce this. But we couldn't find AJ at the show in Boston, MA or to the next venue. So AJ and us decided it would be best for him to go to Rehab." Kevin told the speechless girls in the crowd as people's jaws dropped and they began to cry.  One or two even screamed, Nick and Brian seemed so sad, words couldn't describe it.

"It was decided by us, fans, friends, and even some enemies of the groups." Howie said. "He will be in Promises rehab in California, he was at someone's high school earlier today, and we'll check in on him. But no more "Black and Blue" tour shows, I am sorry." Howie said sadly with his head hung uncharacteristicly low out of saddness for his co-worker and friend.

Rochelle began to cry. Then called AJ's cell phone to check on him.

9/4/01

"AJ, I missed you so much." As Rochelle ran and gave me a huge hug. "I know. I missed you too. Do you love me as a friend or more?" I asked her. "Of chorse, I love you more than a friend. I like to see that smile of yours glow." Rochelle told me.

"You guys could light a whole city, just by smileing" Rochelle told me. "But I don't want a realationship right now, Rochelle, we should wait." I told her, she cried. Then I saw Howie look like a huge piece of empathy and ephiphany. Damn he got the same expression David Borenaz had on TV in rehab when he saved Cordielia from those eye making baby monsters in the TV show, "Angel".

Gotta love Joss Whedon. But still, I wasn't ready and I was crying. I was wondering what she had just told Kevin, Howie, and our manager to make them look at me like that and make "824" be all scared of everyone all of a sudden, even me.