Chapter 127

          I look around and I know I'm dreaming.  If I could only wake up.  I pinch my arm, and then I hear a sinister voice, "I'll do that for you."  I feel a hand on my breast and I scream.

          Then I hear Nick's voice. He says, "Elaine, its ok.  It's me.  Wake up Sweetheart, it was just a dream."

          I open my eyes and I'm back in our room, sitting up in bed with Nick holding onto me.  I take a ragged breath and whisper, "I'm ok."

          He says, "No you're not, you're shaking like a leaf.  Come here."  He pulls me into his arms and holds me till my body stops shaking.  When I finally calm down, he says, "Are you ok?  Do you need anything?"

          I shake my head no and push him back until he's lying down again.  I put my head on his shoulder and I whisper, "Just don't let go."

          Holding me tightly, he says, "I won't."  I feel his body relax as he goes back to sleep, but he keeps me close.  I lay in the dark, listening to him breathe.  The sound is very soothing to me.

          My eyes drift closed and my mind wanders.  I see Nick on the beach, the night we announced our engagement.  He looks so handsome and his smile is so contagious.  I try to step closer to him but every time I do, he moves away.

          Finally I say, "What's wrong?"

          He says, "I can't hold you anymore."

          I say, "Why, what's wrong?"

          He says, "You're not you anymore.  HE touched you."

          I jerk back to consciousness, thankful I don't wake up Nick.  I sit up gingerly and slide away from him.  I take my pillow and sit in the floor in the corner by the closet and I hug it tightly.  Pulling my knees up, I cry quietly.

          I don't know how long I've sat here when I see Nick moving around.  I close my eyes, praying he doesn't wake up.  No such luck.  He sits up and says, "Elaine, where are you?"

          There's just enough light in the room that I can see him turn towards me.  When he slides off the bed and kneels beside me I want to hang on to him for dear life, but I don't move.  He says, "Baby, what is it?"

          I can't speak.  I just shake my head and sit there.  He says, "Sweetheart, come on, you can't spend the night here like this.  Come back to bed."

          I whisper, "I can't.  Nick, I can't.  Every time I close my eyes I see him.  Or I see you pushing me away.  I can't sleep like this."

          He says, "Elaine, I'm not going to push you away.  I'd never do that.  I love you.  You know I do.  Please don't shut me out."

          I sniff and say, "Nick, how can you love me now?  Like this?"

          He says, "Like what?  You're still the woman I love and you always will be.  Nothing has changed."

          My eyes meet his in the dim light and I see his tears falling with mine.  I throw the pillow aside and climb into his arms, sobbing.  He lifts me up and sits on the bed with me and lets me cry it out.  I know he's crying with me, but I can't stop sobbing. 

          When my body finally stops shaking, his arms tighten around me and he says, "Would you feel better if we sleep somewhere else?" 

          I whisper, "I don't know.  I can't shut my eyes without seeing him. I just want it to all go away."

          He says, "I can't make it go away.  I want to. I'd give anything if I could."

          I sigh and whisper, "I know."

          He says, "Want to go back downstairs?  We can pretend we're camping."

          I can't help it.  I giggle.  He pulls back and looks at me and says, "Did you just laugh at me?"

          I say, "Sounded like it.  Never heard of camping on a sofa, but yeah, can we go back downstairs?"

          He kisses my forehead and says, "Let's go."

          Once in the basement, I sit on a barstool and watch as he pushes the couch back a few feet, then moves the coffee table over against a wall.  I say, "What are you doing?"

          He says, "We're camping."  He then proceeds to set up a pop up tent and puts two sleeping bags inside it.  When he looks at me, I just shake my head.  I can't help but smile at his silliness and he says, "Come on, I promise, no bears and no bugs.  Let's get some sleep."

          When I crawl in the tent with him, he zips the door shut and says, "See?  All snug.  You feel ok?"

          I look into his eyes and say, "Yeah, but you left the light on."

          He rolls his eyes and says, "Pretend it's a campfire, ok?  Now, go to sleep, young lady.  I love you."

          I blink back my tears and whisper, "Thank you Nick.  I love you."

          He pulls me into his arms and this time, I'm not afraid to fall asleep.  For now, the bad dreams are gone.  All that there is for me to feel is Nick's arms around me, keeping me safe.