Chapter 2:

I found myself now sitting next to my dad near our gate. Rochelle had gone off to use the bathroom while we waited to be called to board.

My left knee bounced a little due to my nerves. The thought of flying terrified me. Sure, I had flown before. I just happened to be so little at the time I have no memory of it now.

My eyes seemed locked on the part of the plane I could see out the window. As each second turned into a minuet it felt like simply breathing was growing harder and harder.

My fingers found their way to the hem of my shirt. Nervously I rolled the edge of the cloth between my fingers. It was a nervous habit.

“Hey pal, you alright?”

My mouth opened to respond to dad’s questioned but I couldn’t make any words come out. My eyes couldn’t turn away from the plane.

“Jackson?” I could see him turn towards me out of the corner of my eye.

“I… uh…” I tried again to make words come out. I felt a heat wave rush over me. I began to sweat a little.

“It’s just a plane. People fly every day. You’re gonna be fine.”

I have to admit, it was a slight bit nice to know my dad could see I was scared of flying without my having to tell him. It didn’t however calm my nerves.

“Fine?” I could only get the one word to come out.

How did he figure I would be fine? Had he not watched TV? Planes go down all the time. They hit turbulence. Hell, now days they were equipped with oxygen mask! They wouldn’t be there unless emergencies happened.

“Shit.” I heard dad curse as Rochelle came back.

“What’s wrong babe?” She asked sitting on his other side.

“He’s afraid to fly.”

“Oh…” She trailed off. I could tell she was trying to come up with a solution. “Well, isn’t Nick afraid of flying? What does he do to help calm his nerves?”

“I can’t give Jackson a shot of whisky.”

She got silent. For a moment it took my mind off the problem at hand.

“What about Brian? He’s afraid of heights right? Does flying bother him?” It was really nice to see her trying so hard to help me.

“Yeah but, I dunno what he does to help.” I didn’t even half to look at dad to tell he was getting flustered.

“Ok, well…” She paused as she stood and came over to sit by me. “Jackson, I know flying can be nerve racking. You just have to tell yourself that everything will be alright. Think of something good and relaxing. Once you get on the plane maybe try closing your eyes and focusing really hard on that good thing.”

I glanced at her and nodded. I guess I could try it.  What other choice did I have? I really couldn’t see dad calling off the plans for me to come live with him due to my fear of flying.

Just then we were called to board. I tried to hold my nerves at bay as I followed Rochelle onto the plane. Dad who was walking behind me patted my back. At least he was trying, right?

“Window or Aisle?” Dad asked as we came to our seats.

“No, not the window.” I shook my head. I did not want the opportunity to look out the window and watch the plane spiral downward should we start to crash.

“Good thought Jackson.” Rochelle reminded me as she took the window seat.

Dad placed her and my bags in the overhead compartment. He then took the middle seat next to his wife. I sat down next to dad and took a few deep breaths. My eyes closed tight and I tried to think about something positive.

That proved itself to be rather difficult. What was good in my life? What was a happy moment?  I tried hard to think. My happiest memory was one I wasn’t even sure was real.

I was maybe two. My parents were still dating. I ran into my mom’s room one morning. Much to my surprise dad was in bed with her. She was lying in his arms. I caught dad’s eye and he called out to me. I ran towards the bed and he rolled over just enough to bring me into bed with them. Mom moved over and dad laid me between the two of them. Mom kissed the side of my face then dad followed suite. I smiled. They kissed and I clapped. Everything in that moment was perfect.  They loved each other. A series of terrible events had yet to unfold in my life.

“How you doing Son?” Dad’s voice broke my thoughts.

Somehow my ‘happy moment’ had gotten me through take off. We were in the air. Part of me was relieved. Part of me was still scared.

“Uh, alright, maybe.” I told him. I forced myself to take a few slow deep breaths.

“Where’d you go?” He asked.

I wasn’t ready to share the details. I just shook my head a bit and said, “My happy place.”

He got quiet. I assumed he understood based on my actions and lack of commentary that I wasn’t interested in chatting about it.

“Well uh, I’m glad you’re doing ok. “

I nodded.

Before long feelings of fear seem to slip away as an uneasy feeling washed over me. I broke out in a cold sweat. My stomach turned violently and a vinegar taste coated my mouth.

I knew what was about to happen. It wasn’t gonna be pretty.

I had no idea what to do however. I couldn’t just get up and run to the bathroom. I needed to stay safe in my seatbelt. I couldn’t however vomit all over my self either.

As my head began to spin I grabbed my father’s wrist tightly. I was desperate.

“Owe Jacks-“ Dad began turning to me but stopped upon seeing my now pail face. “Shit!” He cursed and began fumbling with the papers tucked into a pocket on the back of the seat in front of him.

“Babe, quick, here.” Rochelle said easily reaching in the midst of his fumbling hands and pulled out a white sack.

Dad grabbed it, opened it quickly and passed it to me. His timing was great.

As I emptied the contents of my stomach into the small bag I felt grateful for having not listened to my father this morning. He had told me to eat a big breakfast so I wouldn’t get hungry. I had chosen to only eat a doughnut and sip on a bit of milk.

In the background I noticed a flight attendent show up. Dad said something to her and she hurried off as I finished.

“She’s getting you some medicine.” Dad informed me.

“Here sweetie.” She came back quickly.

Embarrassment washed over me like a crashing wave as she exchanged my nasty filled bag for a small plastic cup with a white pill in it.

“Here, a bottle of cold water too.” She smiled and handed it to me.

“Thanks.” I said and took the pill. I relaxed back in my seat. When would this ride be over?

“Let me know if you guys need anything else.” She smiled and walked away.

“That medicine should help soon. Maybe you should try closing your eyes.” Rochelle reached over dad and patted my shoulder.

I was really starting to enjoy her presence. I wouldn’t have given you two dimes for thinking she’d be as sweet as I’m finding she is. The first time I saw her, honestly, I thought nothing but bad of her. Dyed pitch black hair, an equal amount of tattoos as my father and way too much make up. I guess first impressions aren’t always everything people say they are.

I closed my eyes as she had suggested and tried to relax.

Why did all this have to be happening? My teenage mind couldn’t get wrapped around it.

I almost wished my father had turned out to be one of those dead beat dads. Maybe then I would have ended up someplace where my life would be somewhat normal and consistent.

Before long the pill began to work and sleep fell over me.

Sleep was one thing I enjoyed. Now, don’t misunderstand. I do enjoy sleep because I’m a teenager but that’s not the only reason. I enjoy sleep because it always acts as a temporary relief from the pain and hurt life tended to send my way.

In my dreams I could be anyone. I could do anything. My life could be so much better if I wanted. I liked that.

When I woke I found Rochelle was asleep with her head on dad’s shoulder. Dad had black ear buds in his ears and his eyes were closed. I could hear his music playing. Something told me that couldn’t be good for his hearing. I assume however music at his shows boom a lot louder in his ears than that.

Not only was the man gonna be bald but he was gonna be deaf. Oh and let’s not forget crippled. Grandma Dee says knee injuries never fully heal.

I couldn’t help but let out a sigh. I was now bored.  I thought about getting my cd player from my bag but that didn’t seem like a very safe idea. It would require me getting out of the seatbelt.

As my eyes drifted around the plane the idea seemed even less of a good idea. No one else had portable cd players. They all had mp3 players and cell phones that played music. I didn’t have an mp3 player and my cell phone was just a phone.

Suddenly I heard dad’s music shut off. I looked towards him.

“You’re awake.” He commented.

Wasn’t that obvious? “Yep” I agreed.

For a moment we sat silent. I then asked, “How much longer? I’m bored.”

He glanced at the time on his fancy phone, “Not too much.”

Again we fell silent. I slouched a little in the seat and sighed once more. This plane ride really sucked.

“Here” He offered and passed me his phone along with the ear buds. “We’ll have to get you one.”

“Really?” I asked him. I had been an iPhone like his since they first came out. Never thought I’d actually get to have one though.

“Yeah, mom told me you’ve had your eye on them.” He replied as I slid my finger on the screen to unlock the phone. “Oh uh, just stay outta the photos. Ro would kill me if you got looking around in there.”

The sick feeling returned instantly, “Yuck, way too much information.” I told him.

Dad smiled and apologized. What an idiot.

For a moment I wondered; if my dad knew I had been wanting an iPhone, and if dad was willing to buy things at my request, why had he not bought me one yet? He had told me to just ask.

I considered asking him. I chose not to however knowing that it would start a conversation I was not ready for. Not only was I not ready for it, I wasn’t sure dad was ready for it. Also, let’s not forget that now was not the place. Rochelle was here, sleeping yes but within ear shot none the less.

Public ear were not far from us either. People had been eyeing us all day. I wasn’t heartless. I didn’t want to start a conversation that would possible enable someone to report to the media that my dad had not been an award winning father despite being an award winning singer.

Instead I just began looking, carefully, through the phone. I checked out a few games and played around with them for a while. It was a great way to pass the time.

Finally I decided to check out dad’s collection of music. I quickly found his taste to be very far from my own. He had an occasional song or two that I liked. I was kinda surprised to find that my dad had music from his band mate’s solo projects. Not only did he have Howie and Nick’s music… he had Brian’s too. My dad listened to Brian’s Christian music? I had never known my father to listen to Christian music. The only exception was the occasion funeral or church service for Christmas Eve.

“You listen to this?” I asked pulling one ear bud out of my ear as the sound of Brian singing “My answer is you” blared in the other.

Dad looked at the screen on his phone, “Honestly, I don’t. I mean, if I have the phone on shuffle and it plays I won’t skip it but… yeah… I love Brian but groovin’ to God music aint my thing.”

I couldn’t help but laugh a little. I had never heard it said like that before.

“It’s just on their cause I got copies of all my boys stuff.” He explained.

I just nodded. As I began to replace the ear bud he spoke again, “Ya know, my solo stuff is on there too.”

I glanced at him the finished putting the ear bud in my ear. He was asking me to listen to it. I knew how his “subtle hints” worked.

Inwardly I rolled my eyes but searched for his songs none the less. In the corner of my eye I could see a grin form on his face.

Drive by love I found to be pretty cool. Teenage wildlife was alright. Then a slower song came on. I looked for the title.

Sincerely Yours? I inwardly questioned.

As the lyrics began to play I could feel a strange sensation welling up within me. I had heard through Grandma Dee the stories of his father. I could understand the lyrics; what they meant. I found myself angry none the less.

How could he call his own father out for not being there for him when he had never been there for me? It didn’t seem right. It wasn’t right.

I couldn’t listen to the whole song. I stopped in, locked the phone and pulled the ears buds out of my ears.

Almost tossing it into dad’s lap he looked at me. He seemed confused yet clueless.

“Am I that bad?” He asked.

Ha, if only he really knew what he was asking.

“No, Drive by love was cool; just tired of music.” I half lied.

He nodded as I looked away.

I could hear him unlock the phone and then momentarily freeze. I then heard him deeply sigh.

“Jackson, I…” He started but I cut him off.

“Save it.” I didn’t care how rude it was.

“You don’t understand.” He tried again.

“I don’t care to either.” I snapped back.

A hand ran widely through his hair then covered his mouth as his eyes closed.

I could only stare at him. After a moment I was gonna apologize for having sounded disrespectful but the speakers coming on stopped me.

The flight attendant announced that we were landing.  I took a deep breath. A feeling of mixed emotions washed over me.

I was fearful again, what if a landing gear stuck? What if the breaks went out? At the same time I was concerned about dad and I’s relationship. Would it ever be able to be fixed? Would we always have a feeling of tension between us like we did at this moment? More importantly, would my life from this point forward get better or worse?