I woke up unable to remember having ever fallen asleep. My moist pillow told me I had to have fallen asleep crying.

The thought made me feel like such a girl.

I sat up slowly vowing to never tell anyone how I had fallen asleep crying.

As I sat in almost silence the conversation I’d had with Grandma Dee played back in my head.

We both need each other. That’s what she had said. I wasn’t sure if I believed it.

Now, her theory of my desiring him deep down I could buy into. A lot of kids repressed feelings of wanting their absent parent in their lives. It was a possibility with me I guess.  I just wasn’t so sure if it was true.

Now the other half of what she said. Dad needing me. That had to be some kind of joke. I mean, how many years had dad gone without me in his life? Yeah, a lot and he always seemed to cope just fine without me.

Still, Grandma Dee hardly ever was wrong. Could she possibly be wrong about dad needing me? I kinda doubted it.

So, if Dad and I needed each other, why did it feel like we hated each other? Maybe answering that question could pull us back together.

I stood and took a deep breath. My eyes fell on the things dad had carried into the room earlier.

‘Oh yeah’ I thought remembering what I had said to him before he left.

Guilt suddenly filled my stomach. I had been wrong. Worse I had said some things I’d never want Grandma Dee to know about.

She’d want me to make thing rights. I can’t say she’d be wrong in wanting me to do that either. I just hated admitting I was wrong. That’s one thing I figure I must get from my father.

I groaned as I headed toward the door. I knew my stomach would never feel better until I told him I was sorry. Plus, I figured it couldn’t hurt us trying to work things out.

I opened the door and looked down both ends of the hall. I had no idea where he was or how to get where he might be.

Slowly I started down one way and began looking into different rooms cautiously.

“Bathroom” I quietly commented looking in the first room. The second room seemed to be another guest room.

I continued down to the last room at this end of the hall. As the door opened my eyes fell upon what had to be what Grandma Dee would call, the catch all room. After being assured it was unoccupied I stepped in. Call me rude but I was curious.

I looked into a few boxes and uncovered dad’s decorative thing’s that I’m guessing Rochelle found just as ugly as I thought they were.

A few other boxes had random things I assumed belonged to Rochelle.

Then, there was a box marked ‘Alexander’s stuff’. A smile spread over my face. It was a rare thing to hear or see that name. It was a little amusing.

Curiosity caught me and I began to open the box. Everything seemed very old. It had to be his things from when he was little. There was an old stuffed dog and a few pictures he must have colored. Then under a ratted blanket I saw a shoe box marked with a child’s hand writing. It simply said, ‘keep out or else’.

Keep out to me was more of a challenge to look without being caught. As my fingers brushed against the lid I heard the door squeak behind me.

“Jackson?” I heard and jumped about a mile.

I spun around quickly as I pulled my hands away from the old shoe box.

“Sh- shoot.” I caught myself as my eyes met Rochelle’s.

“What are you doing in here?” She asked. Thankfully she didn’t sound upset, rather just confused.

“I uh, was just…” How did I respond?

“This is kinda the junk room. It’s sort of embarrassing.” She admitted cutting me off.

“Oh…” I trailed off wondering if she was gonna tell dad I had been in one of his boxes.

“I keep meaning to come in here and clean up but, I never do.” She motioned for me to leave the room.

“I… I’m sorry.” I told her as she closed the door.

“It’s ok.” She told me and we walked down the hall.

I kept quiet as she seemed to follow me to the other end of the hall where the stairs were.

“Are you hungry or anything?” She seemed to be a little lost as to what to say or do.

“Actually, I uh…” Now I was embarrassed. “I was wanting to talk to my dad.”

My words seem to catch her off guard. She nodded and replied, “Uh yeah, he’s in his man cave.”

I couldn’t stop the slight laugh that came out of my mouth.

“Man cave?” I asked as she too smiled.

“Yeah, it’s the one room in the house I let him design without any help from me.”

Suddenly I understood, “Ah ha.”

“Anyway, it’s down here.”

I began to follow her down the stairs and through the house into the kitchen.

“Down there.” She pointed to a door.

“In the basement?” I asked. It seemed a bit strange.

“Oh uh, it’s sound proof down there.” She explained.

I nodded and nervously opened the door. As I stepped down on the first step I closed the door behind me softly. Suddenly I felt like I was in a totally different place. The walls going down the stairs where covered in old posters and random oddly shaped lights.

I took another deep breath trying to shake off my nerves and headed down the stairs.

When I reached the bottom I turned toward the rest of the basement. My heart pounded.

I glanced around the room staying silent. It seemed to be a cross between a recording studio and the back room of an old club with a pool table added in the corner.

Then I spotted my dad. He was sitting on the floor with his knees bent and his face hidden in his hands. To one side of him sat on old guitar and to the other side was a stack of sheet music and scrap notebook paper.

Half of me wanted to retreat. The other half of me wouldn’t allow me to however.

I opened my mouth but no sound came out. Why was I acting like such a nerd?

I decided rather to just close my mouth and clear my throat.

Dad jumped a little and looked at me. When he saw my face he seemed to quickly change his stature. “Jackson.” He said rushing to stand. I could clearly see he was trying to hide having been upset.

It made me feel even worse.

“How did you, know I was… down here?” He struggled to collect himself.

“Rochelle.” I replied trying not to let my voice crack from nerves.

“Oh” he said back turning away from me and picking up the paper at his bare feet.

For a moment an awkward silence fell between us. Even dad seemed uncomfortable.

I grasped the hem of my shirt and rolled it in my fingers, “Can we… talk?”

He didn’t answer right away. It scared me a little.

“Do you plan on making me feel like shit some more?” He asked.

The words both stung and pissed me off. Here I was trying to make things right and he was being an ass.

“Forget it.” I spat and turned toward the stairs.

“Jackson wait!” He called as my foot hit the step to start up.

I froze.

“I shouldn’t have said that. I’m just…”

I waited to hear what he would say.

“Upset.”

I nodded. The truth, it felt good to hear it from him.

I took yet another breath and looked toward him.

“It’s alright.” I began as I fought to look him in the eye.

“No, I’m sorry.” He now grabbed the hem of his shirt causing my breath to catch in my throat.

“I..” I dropped my shirt finally. “I am too.”

He looked stunned. Way to make me feel like an ass.

I suppose I deserved the look though. I hadn’t been very kind to him thus far. “What I said, earlier… it was wrong. I was wrong.”

He said nothing.

“I uh, called Grandma Dee after you left the room. She told me about the song.”

His eyes turned away from me and he walked toward a couch in the room. Sitting down he glanced at me, “Come, sit.”

Awkwardly I walked over and sat down. I didn’t know what to say anymore.

“Jackson, I tried to tell you earlier… I wrote that before you were born.”

“I know, she told me. I, didn’t believe you before.”

“I can’t say I blame you. I haven’t given you much reason to trust what I say.”

I nodded and swallowed hard, “That… that didn’t give me the right to be disrespectful. I’m sorry.”

“Did she ask you to tell me that?”

“No, I figured she’d want me to though. It’s the right thing to do.” I told him.

“You didn’t have to.” He sounded upset still.

“I wanted to.” I told him catching his eyes directly in my own for the first time.

“Thank you Jackson.”

Another moment of awkward silence passed as our eyes stayed locked.

Just as I felt a tear wanting to fall I quickly stood and nodded, “Yeah, you’re welcome.”

Before anything else could be said I moved to the stairs and jogged up them.

I blew past Rochelle and out the front door not even bothering to close it. I sat on a chair on the front porch and placed a hand over my mouth. I fought tears. I hated crying. I wasn’t a girl for God sake.

Having a moment with dad… it just scared me. We had shared a good moment. It had given promise of things working out. That meant the next step was him breaking my heart which ultimately meant I had fallen for his act… again.