A day later I found myself in my room. I had refused to talk to Rochelle when she had followed me outside. I knew she’d just ask dad what happened but I was confident that even he didn’t know why I ran out. He wasn’t very bright.

As hard as it is to admit it, I ran off cause I was scared and kinda angry too. I was scared that I was getting too close to him. I was angry because in the back of my head I knew how it would end.

Today I had avoided all of them. I skipped breakfast to sleep in and had spent all morning forcing myself to unpack. I was pretty hungry but I stuck it out.

By the time lunch time hit I felt like I was gonna die. Just when I was about to crack a knock sounded on my door.

“Jack- son.” The word was split. Dad had almost forgotten about what I had said to Rochelle. For me that was exhibit A. It was proof for me that he had been acting.

“What?” I almost shouted. “Uh… I mean, yeah?” I tried again. Once again I rolled my eyes at how well Grandma Dee had done teaching me to always be respectful. I didn’t wanna respect my dad. My actions however were just habit.

The door slowly opened. “Everything ok?” He asked looking into the room.

“Yeah.” I nodded not really looking at him.

“We haven’t spoken since… well yesterday.” He said.

Just great. He wanted to talk again. I could feel it.

“I know.” I said sitting down on my bed.

“I guess I’m just confused. Did I say something wrong?” He sounded uncomfortable.

I just shook my head. I didn’t wanna talk. I didn’t wanna let myself get any closer to him.

“Come on Jackson. I’m trying here. Give me something.” He begged sitting near me on the bed.

“Are you… trying I mean?” My words were cold but my voice stayed at a normal pitch.

“Man, what the fuck?” He cursed standing up.

I stood also. The angst built up within me cried to come out. “Are you actually trying or is this just another act, dad.” I gushed with sarcasm as I called him dad. My voice now elevated a bit.

“Act, Is that what you think? I’m acting?”

“You always do!” I yelled. My yelling seemed to open the flood gates. Tears began rolling down my face. He seemed very taken back. I didn’t care. I was on a roll.

“You always act like you care. I let my guards down, get close to you then BAM, you close the door and I’m left feeling alone and empty wondering what the fuck is wrong with me that my own parents can’t stand to be around me. Then of course you leave your mother to do the dirty work and pick up all the broken pieces.”

I could feel my body shaking.

“God.” My father seemed to whisper. His eyes too became moist. “Jackson, son… I…”

“Save it you son of bitch! I don’t care anymore.” I stopped to wipe my eyes then kept going. “I may have no choice in living here but I have a choice in whether or not I allow myself to be crushed by you.”

“I’m so sorry.” A single tear rolled down the side of his face.

Without saying another word he left my room.

I had never seen my father cry before. Not ever. I had seen him upset but never crying.

Down the hall I could hear Rochelle, “Alex?”

“No, stop. Let me go.” His voice cracked and I heard him on the stairs next.

I fell to floor. Tears flowed uncontrollably.

How had my life gotten to this point? What had I done to bring all this upon myself?

“Jackson?” I heard my door open.

I couldn’t respond. I cried loudly where I laid on the floor. My body shook.

“Jackson?” It was Rochelle. Suddenly she was at my side with a hand on my back.

I kept crying. I didn’t want to but I couldn’t help it. I was so broken.

“Shh… It’s ok.” She tried to sooth me.

“No, it’s not ok. It’s never gonna be ok.” I gasped.

“I don’t know everything that’s happened between you and your dad but if you wanna talk… I promise to listen.”

Still crying I looked at her. I had never been a good judge of people but I knew undoubtedly that she sincerely cared.

I pushed myself up with my hands as she lowered herself and sat on the floor.

The tears softened but I couldn’t speak.

I was taken aback by her kindness. It didn’t make any sense to me.

As I sat up completely she looked into my eyes and after a moment she leaned forward and her arms wrapped around me.

The feeling was nice. In the back of my head I screamed for her to never let go. I couldn’t remember the last time someone other than Grandma Dee had showed true compassion for me and held me.

“Jackson, I wanna help but I don’t understand what’s going on.” She whispered.

Reluctantly I pulled away and looked at her.

The next hour she dropped everything to listen to me as I relived and told her important details from my life.

She just listened. Never said a word other than the occasional question to clarify something I had said.

I finished by telling her the things that had happened the past few days. I ended with the exchange dad and I just lived through.

“I’ve heard your dad’s side on all this but I had no idea what all you went through.” She told me.

We now sat still on the floor but leaned against my bed.

I had no idea where my father had gone and I didn’t care.

I glanced at Rochelle and nodded. I quickly had grown to like her. She seemed to be one thing dad had done right.

“I can’t speak for Alex but… I’m so sorry Jackson.”

“It’s not your fault. It’s his… and my moms.”

“Well, first I think you should know nothing is wrong with you. Just like you said, it’s their fault. Not yours.”

Did she really just say that? She agreed.

“Jackson, I think the other thing you need to know… and you may not wanna hear this… is people can change. “

“But he’s acted like he changed before. How do I know this isn’t an act again?”

She shook her head, “I don’t know. I do know that your dad isn’t who he used to be however.  He’s going through hell trying to fix things with you.”

“He’s going through hell?” I asked. That seemed insane to me. I had the right to treat him terrible. At least I felt like I did. He hadn’t had the right to treat me bad.

“He’s smoked more cigarettes in the past week then I’ve seen him smoke in an entire month. He hasn’t been sleeping. He’s called his sponsor four times in two days to make sure he isn’t even thinking about drinking. Living like that has to be hell.”

I took a few deep breaths. Was she trying to make me feel bad?

Slowly she stood. “I don’t know what to tell you to do but I’m always here to listen. I only ask that you try and see things from his side.”

I nodded, “Thank you. I think I needed that.” I said moving to sit on my bed.

She smiled and patted my shoulder then left the room.

See things from his side.

I had no idea how to do that.  I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to.