"She can't be gone."
"The fat hog took her. I saw it with my own two eyes."
Clo was stomping around my hotel room, her black leather boots practically shooting up to her thighs. She stopped and put her hands on her hips. "It's all your fault."
I practically choked on the OJ I was drinking. "My fault?"
Clo walked over and turned the Panera Bread box on the table upside down. She grabbed the last half of the blueberry bagel and smeared an ample quantity of cream cheese on it. "Yes, you're fault. If she didn't go to visit you she wouldn't have fallen down those steps." She took a large, angry bite. "She should sue the hospital."
"I don't think she even remembers the name of the hospital," I said bitterly.
"Fuckin' A," Clo swallowed and grabbed her purse. "I've got to go to work. Ron wasn't happy with my earlier ass-kicking. What's your plan?"
"My plan?"
"Must you repeat everything I say? Can't you process it without doing that?"
I scowled. "I can process just fine. Like, I can process that you're a bitch."
"And you're a dickhead. Your point?"
"I don't have a plan."
"I figured."
"I'll have one by tonight though," I promised.
"You better," she said.
She turned and I stuck out my tongue.
"I saw that!" she snapped.
And then the witch was gone.
"His name is Wesley Hodgkins."
"Who the hell's Wesley Hodgkins?"
The food she had in the bag smelled great. It also left a big grease stain on the side of the bag. I was pretty sure my doctor didn't want me to hop on the grease train right away, but the smell was breaking me down. My worry was that she hadn't brought the food to share.
"He's a private investigator. I thought maybe he could be our eyes and ears to make sure Penny's okay."
Clo yanked open the bag. She pulled out two giant sandwiches, a pickle spear that made my johnson small by comparison, and two units of greasy fries.
"Is he going to smack her over the head with a Louisville Slugger?"
She handed me one of the giant sandwiches. I peeled back the white deli wrapper and took a bite. I was thinking she was going to split the pickle spear, but she pulled it close to her so I knew that it was a 'hands off' type of delicacy. "No, sorry, he charged too much for that. He's not like the Amish Mafia or anything."
Clo snorted. "I think your plan sucks."
"Well I can't really go down there and kidnap her. If you forgot, she doesn't like me."
"She's never liked you. She's also told me too many times to count that the two of you were never getting back together. It's a lie on all fronts."
I rolled my eyes. "You're quite the Pollyanna aren't you?"
She smiled. Genuinely smiled. "Friggin' A."
We ate dinner in remote silence. She inhaled everything, even the giant pickle. As she was squishing down the trash in the can she looked my way.
"I'm worried about her," she said. "She's like my little sister."
I played with my wet wipe.
I couldn't really put into words what Penny meant to me.
After all, the only organ of Penny's that still held all her memories was the one inside me.
Two Weeks Later
"What do you mean she got married?"
"...you had orders to stop anything dangerous!"
"...of course it's dangerous. What's this asshole look like?"
I could feel Clo's increasing anxiety as I headed to the fax machine in my hotel room and ripped off the incoming sheet. I stared at the overweight guy wearing a sleeveless flannel shirt and almost laughed at the ridiculousness. This could not be happening.
"This isn't funny," I said.
I handed the paper to Clo and she blanched.
My hotel room was filled with Penny's stuff from her apartment. The lack of paying her rent had resulted in an immediate eviction. The cause-and-effect of this whole disaster was becoming unmanageable.
And now she was married to someone that looked like they did that Blue Collar Comedy Tour shit.
"I'm coming down there," I said. Clo nodded her approval.
"You probably don't want to do that," Wesley said awkwardly.
"What? Why not?"
"That mom of her has a picture of you on the wall like a Wanted poster."
I practically snorted.
"You think I'm afraid of her? As if."
Dudley, GA
The place smelled like cows, sweat, and dirt. It was not a pleasant combination. The sign as I drove into town said there were 448 residents. It looked like one of those signs that some toothless wonder actually added and subtracted by hand.
I couldn't imagine Penny living in such a place.
The JJ Miller residence was located on a dirt road that was an off-shoot of the one main road in town. I had Clo's phone number on speed dial since she couldn't get off work and I had a ring.
A certain antique ring from a certain hole-in-the wall jewelry store off of Times Square.
I meant business.
There was an old droopy dog laying outside the house. The house itself couldn't have had more than two bedrooms and I was seriously shocked that there wasn't an outhouse around. The siding was almost nonexistent and everything had a thick layer of that southern dust that permeated at the air.
My car looked completely out of place. The dust greedily clung to the bottom of the smooth black exterior as I swung open the door. The interior leather smell died and the cow/sweat/dirt smell hit me full force. Almost immediately my pits began to sweat.
This trip had been last minute; so last minute I hadn't even brought my hospital papers with me. I figured I wouldn't need them. What could happen to a kidney in a place like this?
I took a second to look around one more time before climbing the rickety steps. There was no doorbell. I knocked on the screen door, the screening dangling sadly. The droopy dog lifted its head, but that was the extent of his guard dog duty.
It took a few minutes, but Penny finally opened the door. Her eyes widened when she saw me.
"You."
She looked like hell. The dress she wore was faded and stained and looked like it was taken from the 1970's. Her blonde hair looked stringy, like her hair was rebelling against the switch from top of the line shampoo and conditioner to Pert.
"Penny," I said. "We've got to get you out of here. Listen, baby, I know this is confusing and you're scared but," I dug in my pocket and retrieved the box. I popped the lid and let the ring do the talking. "We can get you out of whatever your mom talked you into. I want you to marry me. Move to L.A. We'll have that one kid you mentioned when I was laying there dying. You know, just one because we know how easy it is to screw it up with more than that. I love you. We've been through hell and high water and I haven't always treated you right, but I've grown so much with this whole thing. I'll be a better man if you marry me."
She stared at the ring and I was sure this was going to be one of those pimp-a-thy's or whatever the hell they call it when someone suddenly snaps out of something. And then she turned.
"JJ!"
The sleeveless hulk came out of nowhere. One minute I'm on the top step with the ring and the next my back's in the dirt and that old dog is howling in my ear and rough calloused fists are flying. Another body came flying out to join the first and then I heard it.
The warthog herself.
"Get 'em! Pap, don't you worry!"
"He won't be comin' back!"
