Fifty-five

I woke up from the weirdest dream and sat up to find myself still in Nick's bed. I automatically thought to myself, "I wonder how AJ would like to see this?" With a sigh I sat up and leaned back against the headboard pulling my knees up to my chest. I watched Nick sleep, wishing that I had one of my cameras to capture the moment forever in time. He really was a beautiful man. Not just inside, but out too. Just laying there hugging his pillow rumpled underneath his head, his blond locks a mess and his jaw relaxed enough to let his mouth fall open slightly, the sight made me love him. Not as if I didn't love him already, but watching him sleep, there was no way that I couldn't love him.

He stirred and opened his eyes, their blue color a shocking contrast to the white pillowcase. I smiled gently at him and he smiled a half-awake smile up at me, "What are you thinking?"

I shrugged, "All sorts of things..."

"Like?"

"Like I wonder if AJ's even the slightest bit worried about where I am. What I'm going to say when I see him. What he's going to say. And that I wish I had my camera right now, because you're too adorable when you sleep."

Nick smiled, "I'm not asleep anymore."

"You're adorable awake too though..."

"Oh..." he smiled.  "Well then yeah, I wish you had your camera too."

I shook my head and smiled, "Smart ass... I got your pictures back by the way. The ones that you took. They're amazing. Just beautiful pictures."

"I learned from the best..."

"Well I don't know who she or he was, but you learned well," I teased.

"I'll thank her..."

"Good..."

"Thank you..."

I smiled, "You're welcome..."

Nick rolled over onto his back and stretched with his arms above his head with a groan. I fought the urge to tickle his exposed armpits and he looked at me, "So…"

"So…" I repeated as I put my head down on my knees looking at him.

"You know you can hide here all day if you want. Make him suffer… I wouldn’t tell."

I smiled and nodded, "Yeah I know… and it’s tempting. I’m just not sure yet what I want to do. There’s a part of me that just wants to go to him and make him tell me what’s wrong so that we can make things better again. But another part of me is just hurt, and wants to make him hurt too."

Nick nodded, "Yeah I can understand that. Hell I’ve done that to you before…"

"Don’t you dare apologize for your birthday again," I smiled. I laid back down and pulled the blanket up over my body as the air conditioning of the room chilled me. I rolled my head to the side and looked at Nick. He was smiling and I giggled, "I’ve forgiven you… I promise."

"Good…" Nick sighed. "I still feel bad though."

"Honey, I wouldn’t be here with you if I were still upset right?"

"Right…"

"So it’s okay."

I looked up to the ceiling and we stayed silent for a few minutes. "Kel?"

"Hmm?" I answered staring at a spot on the ceiling that I was trying to figure out if it was a bug or dirt.

"Can I ask you a really weird question?"

I looked back to Nick and raised an eyebrow, "Sure…"

"You ever wonder what it would have been like if we were a couple? If we hadn’t hid our feelings for each other…"

I smiled and rolled onto my side facing Nick, "Yeah. I think your mom would have killed me. She hates me anyway…" I laughed. "But aside from the She Beast, I think we would have been okay. We’ve got that problem of not telling each other things that always gets in the way…that’s probably what would have ended us."

"Yeah but we don’t do that anymore… we talk now."

I nodded, "Yeah… I love that about us."

Nick nodded, "Me too…"

"Yup, cause if we were together now, we’d be fine. A year ago…" I shook my head, "Would have been a disaster."

Nick chuckled, "Kind of ironic how you and AJ used to be the communicators and now it’s you and me."

I nodded and reached out to brush a strand of Nick’s bangs out of his face, "Yeah…"

The phone rang startling us both and Nick sat up and answered it before laying back down, "Yeah?" I watched Nick’s face as the person on the other end of the line talked to him. After a moment he smiled and handed the phone to me, "Kev…"

I giggled and took the phone, "Hey, Kevy…"

"Oh my god… you’re okay?"

"Considering… breathe, honey."

Kevin sighed and I could imagine him running his fingers through his dark hair, "You don’t know how worried I was… they didn’t tell me last night about your fight. I asked where you were and AJ said you didn’t want to come with us. So I just assumed you were back here asleep or something. Then as we’re coming back early this morning Howie mentions that you got in a fight and I freaked out. I asked where you were and no one knew… then I called your cell phone and you didn’t answer, and I tried Nick and he didn’t answer either…"

I put my hand over my heart, "I’m sorry, honey… we both turned our cell phones off. I was having a rough time last night and didn’t want AJ deciding to be nice and call me. Apparently I didn’t need to worry about that though…" I sighed and looked up at the ceiling again, "Anyway I’m sorry; I should have called you to let you know where I was."

"Tell me to butt out if you want, but what happened? Howie wouldn’t tell me anything other than that you fought."

"He didn’t tell you what we fought about?"

"Nope…"

I chuckled, "Howie’s always trying to keep the peace isn’t he?"

Kevin’s voice dripped of concern, "What was it, Kel?"

"Why don’t you come to Nicky’s room and I’ll fill you in/"

"Okay… I’ll be right over."

"K… Hey and, Kev?"

"Yeah?"

"You don’t know where I am… got it? You haven’t heard from me yet."

Kevin hesitated and then answered, "I have a feeling I’m not going to like what you have to tell me… but yeah, if I see him, I won’t say a word."

~~~~~

"Yeah… I know… yup… if I hear anything I’ll call you… okay… yup… good luck… later." Nick hung up the phone and looked at me with a supportive smile.

I put my head in my hands, "Thanks…"

Nick sat down next to me and put his arm around me, "I told you I’d do it… no thanks required."

"I hate making you lie to him though…" I sighed.

"Kel… he did this to himself. If he hadn’t been such a raging asshole he wouldn’t be worried sick about where you are because you’d be with him. It’s his fuck up… I’m more than happy to help you punish him."

AJ had finally begun freaking out later that afternoon when I hadn’t shown back up. The fact that none of the bodyguards had seen me and I hadn’t been back to the room for clothes, or my camera was what got to him and he started to worry. At that point he started calling each of the guys asking if they’d heard from me. Brian and Howie didn’t have to lie because they hadn’t seen me, and as for Kevin, well he was pissed off enough after I filled him in on the argument to lie to AJ too. Kevin wasn’t exactly a happy camper when he heard the things that AJ had said to me. It took several minutes of pleading with him to stop him from going and ripping AJ a new hole.

"He’s going to look around the hotel for you…"Nick said quietly and the knots in my stomach tightened.

"Why does punishing him end of making me feel so bad?" I sighed as my stomach felt like it had been kicked repeatedly.

"Because you love him. And as much as you want him to be punished, you still care about him, and hurting him hurts you."

I frowned and dropped my head back into my hands, "I feel like shit…"

"Well if it helps… you look like shit too," Nick chuckled. I tried to smile but couldn’t even find the strength to pick my head up to look at Nick. I knew he was trying to cheer me up, but all I wanted to do right then was roll up into a ball and cry. I heard him sigh and he squeezed my shoulder, "It’s gunna be okay…"

I took a slow deep breath and looked up to Nick, "We should probably go get my stuff while he’s downstairs looking for me."

Nick nodded, "Did you finish the note?"

I nodded and handed it to him, "Read it? Tell me if it’s okay?"

Nick nodded again and took the note reading it aloud, "Dear AJ… I can’t tell you what feelings are running through my body right now. I don’t think I’ve ever felt as confused as I do right now. You hurt me last night. You hurt me in ways I never thought that you of all people would. I love you, but I need some time away. So for the last week of the tour before I go to Cindy’s wedding and then we break before Mexico, I won’t be staying with you. I need to figure out what I want, and how I feel. I can’t do that if I’m sleeping next to you each night. I’ll see you tomorrow when we’re both working. Until then, please don’t try to find me. Always… KJ." Nick looked up and reached out to wipe away the tears that were falling down my cheeks, "I think it’s good."

I nodded as my bottom lip trembled, "Thanks…"

"You ready?"

I nodded and bit my lip to try and stop it from trembling, "Yeah, let’s get this over with…"