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shuffling my feet as I paced around the room....arguing with myself and trying to piece together what happened a few days ago. I could not help but wonder if they had already know. But if they did, how come they haven't said anything yet. I raked my fingers over my hair, and then dropped them down effortlessly as if it had been defeated. Maybe Howie was right..I should seek some help, I mean how bad can it really be right? Sinking down on the couch when my phone started ringing. I looked over the familiar number but hesitated to answer. Placing my hands across my face, somewhat lingering till I picked up the phone. listened to a brimming voice to overcome my faults...guess they are really worried about me I sighed.

"yep." answering so calm and yet a trembling in this cracked voice wishing for sleep. And of course within busy schedules there was certainly no time for that.
" Hey." it was Kevin....what does he want this time I said to myself.
" Whats you up to lil bro?" he asked kindly. It was our day off from concerts and press conference and all that. So I was trying to spend it by myself, time to reflect. I really wasn't in the mood to leave, I'd figured it can wait for all this to blow over eventually but a strange feeling soon told me that wasn't going to happen anytime soon.
" Nothing really..." I said in a I don't feel like talking tone. I'm sure he understood and he can take a hint and just leave it at that but unfortuantly for me,
he didn't budge, just keep pressing onward.
" Well come on by...you know..hangout?" sounding so desperate to be near my thundering grief. I thought for a brief minute, considering I really shouldn't be alone. Temptations of the blade is swirling through me, the urge coming stronger and stronger as each memory bypass them. without looking, I felt the scars and fresh pages of cuts seething a pain, I gritted my teeth as I never felt so ashamed before. I never to think I would do such harm on myself and maybe there was a way to feel more broken other than this...there just has to be.
" Ok I am on my way." I told him, pulling on my sweatshirt and headed down the hall till I was at front of his door.






For a split second, I half-asked myself if this was a good idea. I mean what if they already know and want to pressure me into admitting it, though I did not want to.Pulling all these doubts away, I lifted my hand and knocked carefully. I heard his clumpy footsteps getting louder from inside as he opened it and smiled as soon as he saw me. Biting my lower lip and offering a quaint smile in return, he motioned me to come inside. Now usually Kev is a pretty clean guy but as soon as I entered, clothes were strewn upon the floor, empty coffee cups littered as well. Kev took a seat om his bed, patting down a little spot next to him, my cue thAT I was going to be lectured one way or the other. Damn it! I should of known.As I parked myself next to him, he stared down at the floor and playing around with his fingers. Constructing some way to do this without upsetting me I thought. I knew him too well to consider another tactic. And when he finally did glance my way, I could see bubbling tears forming, threatening to race down him as he held my hand for a second then dropping them down like pure lead. I could not even say a word.
" Nick...lift up your sleeves." he demanded nicely. I just froze there, my eyes wide with terror. He knew..but how?
"Its ok little brother...show me."
Stealing a gaze from the tv show being on, losing focus or perhaps stalling. I knew I would have to answer him eventually but I didn't know how or why.
" Don't be afraid." he said soothingly as he stroke a flyaway piece of my hair and tucked it neatly behind my ears. This is really happening...it really was. I huffed at myself and drew my fingers over the hem of my sleeves, closing my sight tightly...I forgot to breath. And with an honest tug, I lifted them up to my elbows, my artwork in my own madness streaming in Kev's eyes, filling him with too much dread. He softly wrapped his giant hands on them, and moved them so he could take a closer look. At this point I didn't want to see his face. A few minutes of tracing each one, peering at them like there delicate cups. It felt like an hour he was doing this, not only was I ashamed but embarrassed...knowing the beast I had become.
" Oh god Nicky..."
He kept staring, fingers gliding and crying the tears he had held back before.
" Why would you do this to yourself?" he finally asked, wasn't it obvious to you Kev. I wanted to tell him that and let him know I planned to no longer do this. I also wanted to say everything my voice would not do right now. We sat in complete silence, not uttering a single thing. He suddenly got up and faced me but I still refused my eyes to watch him. He crouched down and pulled me into a tight hug and that is when I completely lost myself and started to sob, staining his shirt with my own tears. I wasn't sure if we had been like this for a while, at least it felt like it.
" After this tour is over, were going to get you the help you need ok buddy." he spoke in broken tones. We only had a few shows left and my suffering would be over. but the question still lingers in my head for what my life would be like after today as a chill in my bones seeped a hope so easily.





I ended up falling asleep on Kevin's bed, knees drawn up to chest and comforted by a delicate singing from him. He was trying to comfort me, now that he knew the truth. He also told me that I should probably tell the other guys, even though it was hard enough watching Kevin's reaction, i realize he is right.








Tonight's show seemed a little different than last and Kevin said after this one is when I am going to tell my other brothers about this. I was nervous though I mean him finding out was one thing but telling the rest..a completely new story. Kev told me not to worry that he would help with it and I felt more at ease.
As the fans were yelling, a gut wrenching thing came over me. As i ran back stage and puked my brains out, I heard someone behind me and found out it was Kevin, a firm grip held strongly upon me and I stood up wearily, facing him once again.
: You all right?" he asked, soften his gaze and I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand.
I nodded as he propped his arm around me..guiding my way out on this, could I ever be the same again?
I didn't know what came over me, how sick I got during the concert. Maybe a disturbing image crawling in my head or something I thought as I slumped across the chair, my four brothers watching me with pursed mouths and needing an explanation to why we were all there. I should start talking huh?
" So...I brought you all here because..I..I..II...have something to tell you..." I stammered, a serious expression caught in me as I struggle to sit up and escape the fear.
" I think its better..if you show them.." Kevin spoke out loud and 3 heads turned toward him, we were hiding something from them they thought. After taking a deep breath, I rolled my sleeves up, exposing the multiple scars that stains my skin. They all gasped and AJ went from a look of horror..to complete anger.
" what the fuck Nick!!" AJ hissed and before even one of us knew it, he was on top of me pounding my face with his fist and I try to black out the words he was screaming at me.
" You fucking asshole!! why the hell could you do that to yourself?? You should of came to us!!" again seething with anger and disapproval. I'm sorry..I'm sorry...so sorry....
Brian and Howie finally pulled him off and Kev just sat there idly with a daring face of shock. As I left myself dangling in my own heat, I heard the door slam so firmly I thought the room would shake and dissolve.
I started to grimace when I found out AJ gave me a black eye...oh great! Now how am I going to explain this one/ No one said anything else and soon it was just me and Kev again. Pulling the blanket up to my chin and tucked me in like a father figure, allowing a few tears to dance down.
" It's ok Nicky." He said in a peaceful way, rubbing my back. " He didn't mean it."
But he did, I was sure of it.
In that phase of nightly bells that darkens the room and myself as well, I could of seen my destructive forces ripping apart everything I've had left to give ..and not even living could be heard in my future. The foggy dusk had overpowered me and realized I was lying on the moss-sickened ground. I trudge to my feet as I saw a darkened figure moving closer to me. No! Not him again, I tried to run but my legs felt like molasses and I cannot seem to move, what was going on here! He was coming closer, snickering a familiar grin as he shoved me right back on the ground, I held my breath as he removed my pants, using my own belt to beat me repeatedly when I was already sore from the fall. " Your gonna enjoy this Nicky boy." he laughed as he wedged himself between my legs, grabbing my thighs and preparing to bleed me underneath his hate. no no noooooo!!!!!!!! I jumped about ten feet, drenching in sweat and my pounding heart still wildly beating. I turned and saw the clock blazing 3 a.m, the clock mocking me with its red eyes. It was another nightmare I breathed a relief but short-lived when apparently I had woken up Kevin in the process. " What happened? Are you ok?" he moaned groggily, I was really tired of that question but I managed to dip a slight nod and fell back on the bed. I just wanted to forget that ever happened, it was such a long time ago but I can't shake it off of me, like it had been embedded or something. No one knows but me and my assaulter . Thinking back on that day, in a hotel somewhere in France, he had lost control and somewhere in the mix, I lost my mind. I was only fifteen when it happened. I was the only one he wanted but could never have. Years of patching up our friendship just for it to dissipate at the seams. I had forgiven him once, but never twice. And as another suffering note fizzed off of me ...I knew one more thing I couldn't allow... He murdered my wife.... I slept awful for the rest of the night or er was it technically early morning? I rustled the sheets getting up and saw that Kev was already gone. He left a note saying something about going to smooth things out with AJ. I shrugged it off and went to the bathroom, peering closely at my mangled face and an oozing black eye AJ thoughtfully left.. gee thanks dude. I rinsed off my face with cool water and splashed it on my arms, feeling sore and aching. I haven't cut since I've been at Kevin's room, I should be happy to saw the least but sometimes I miss the feel of silver. As i was pouring some coffee, Kevin suddenly burst in the room and behind him trailed AJ, his head down like a child who did something wrong. I wasn't going to punish him but i really wanted to find out what made him do that to me. Head still bowed, AJ shifted in the chair, avoiding my eyes..or eye you know. No one spoke for the first 5 minutes and then, out of nowhere, he moved his head up and locked eyes with me. " I'm really sorry Nick, I don't know what came over me I..." he stopped, shaking his head at the same shame I learned to puncture me. How do i respond to this... and apparently I said that out loud. " How do I respond to this." I spat, sure I was angry but he knew after Lauren was killed I changed completely, a stranger that troubles in his very skin. " I don't know." he muttered, holding onto his hands. I sighed a huge defeat and walked over to AJ and dropped my head on his shoulders. He embraced me as I hid a deep smile, Kevin proudly patting me on the back. The tour had offically been over, giving the fans our all in the last few stops and I was happy but yet frightened at its ending, like a flame begging to be extinguished. Even though I planned to head home, the other 4 stopped me and had like an intervention type deal since we didn't really get to do it the last time. A conversation I wasn't excited to have so I had to accept it. " I think you should stay with one of us and not go back home." AJ said slowly. I really hate to inconvenience them and their families that way. I would rather go home and see a therapist or whatever Howie mentioned. I had a feeling it wasn't gonna go in that direction. I also wanted to pop there anyway to speak with Detective Harley about Lauren. He was assigned to the case and though they had a few leads, it all turned out to be dead end. It was frustrating and very uncomfortable knowing he is still out there, knowing who he is but I refused to tell them that unless i got solid proof he was also nowhere to be found. " Fine...I will go with Kev." I simply stated. Kevin was the only one who helped me through all this, I mean they others did too but he just knows how to handle a big situation like that. " All right buddy go get your things and meet me outside k?" Kevin was happy about me going with him, the glee mixed with joy in his face told all. I gave the rest of the fellas all hugs and they wished me the best in my recovery process. Making one very important rule to make sure I call them everyday and Kevin too. When they all left I was packing my bags turned my attention to the window, watching streamers of sunlight envelop the room, thinking everything will get a lot better, or at least that is what I hoped for. so it was decided I would stay with him until at least he feels I am stable enough to be on my own without hurting myself. We planned on seeing a therapist and everything and told me he will come with me if I wanted him too. I had hit rock bottom before but nothing was compared to the battle I was facing yet again. Between Lauren's death and my ongoing nightmares, alcohol and drugs just didn't seem enough, I remember the first time I sliced my writs but it was quite on accident. so I thought I had been lying to myself and everyone around me for years. Today is a start of something new, like a brand new chapter gowning my heart to what i know would be a different me, the old me.. that is till my phone ringed again. I was almost done packing when I picked it up and looked at the numbers..it was Detective Harley, I swear my stomach fell into a deep pit as I answered. " hello?" " Mr. Carter?" his raspy voice chimed and my fears resurface into a haunting image I do not dare to describe. " Yes it is him." i choked out, feeling on what I am experiencing was indescribable. I stood as a statue, and forced myself to listen on. " We need you to come back to California immediately."