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I swear I didn't want to talk about it.
I really didn't but she needled me with a bunch of questions
Even when she discovered I had slashed my arms as if they were my own battlefield.
A curling sympathy crossed her face and I shrunk down to my own size, an infant feeling of wanting
I was viewing out the window a beautiful noontide crisp. people laughing within a hint of salty breeze and tendrils of faltering light feathering their bodies.
As if sizzling them for freedom.
But where was mine?
" Nick....when did you exactly started this cutting?" she probed like it was a sick ritual or something.
I had to think back for a second and realized it started when he touched me.
When he raped me...
Sandra was searching for answers as I held my flame in an ending torch. Some things were better left unsaid.
" Since I was 17.." I muttered, not really want to bring this subject up.
All she did was nodded but kept stinging her words upon my like Christmas lights..sparkle without the shine and I fazed for another birth.
" What made you start this, was there..problems in your family or a traumatic experience..."
I cackled at the question, I mean sure I had family problems but i would never exceed to this.
It was like yesterday, it was like I was haunted by his distasteful love for me.



** Flashback**
I was fifteen and hanging out at a hotel in France, the guys and I did a couple of amateur shows before we could fully launch.
I Brought Chris with me to hangout, a sort of childhood friend I needed comfort in.
We sat in the mildew scent room, losing within the caramel walls and avocado rug that ran ahead of our sight.
We just lay in a complete thick air , till one of us had to break the shawl now and then.
And of course it had to be him.
We started becoming friends at a very young age, before I went to Backstreet Boys.
We were the same age and had so much in common, its like we pratically knew each other from the backs of our hands.
But that day, in that hotel was a nightm are I am forced to live with for the rest of my life.
He started stroking my face tenderly and I immediately shook his off and stood up, my arms flaring to hit him.
" what are you doing?"
" Come on Nick, you like it, just let me touch you more."
And as he leaned in I took a giant step back. Chris was crossing the boundaries between friendship and something much more.
" No dude, were just friends ok." I tried to be calm, i really did but as I watched him like a predator getting up and locking the door, I know that was the perfect phase to call him..
A predator...
" Well Nick..your not getting much choice here." he said in an evil tone and I swallowed the lump that was driven in my throat.
He pushed me violently on the bed and unbuttoned my pants. I struggled to fight him off but he was too strong for a scrawny kid like me.
As tears sprung in myself, i knew i wasn't going to win..
I never thought otherwise.
A few minutes later, after he was done with the disgusting deed, I was motionless to get up and he snickered.
That bastard.
He grabbed his coat and left, I haven't seen him since.
The next day when we were recording some songs, I limped my way into the studio, the other guys just stared.
" Nick whats wrong with your leg? I mean your walking funny." Kevin inquired and I just ignored my thoughts.
" Probably masturbated too hard!" Laughed AJ and a sickened feeling came over me.
They didn't know and they never will.
I picked up the headphones and stood at my place.
Ignore these thoughts I said to myself
and was ready to sing this pain away..
**End of flashback**




Luckily for me, Sandra just gave me a reassuring smile and some tissues after I told her.
It felt so good to finally tell someone, it really did.
" We had made great progress today. " she sang like a lullaby and I faintly smiled at her as I poured out everything I harbored for so many years.
I talked to her about Backstreet and my family and all that..except Lauren's death, I wasn't ready to talk to her about that.
"When you are ready" she softly said and then she got out something and began scribbiling.
" Well Nick, I am going to prescribe you Prozac for depression and Alprazolam for anxiety, perhaps using those at the right prescribed time would prevent you from cutting again."
I only nodded as she handed the prescription notes to me as it burned in my hand.
She continued, allowing me to inform me on my treatment plan.
" i also want you to come once a week to move forward in our sessions, what day and time is good for you?" she asked
Well considering we were done with the tour and all, I was pretty much free. But I needed this more than ever I convinced myself on this.
" Anytime is fine with me."
" Ok then, how about next Wednesday at 3:30?"
" Yep thats ok." And she flashed another earthly smile and gave me the appointment card so I wouldn't forget.
She then got up and followed me out the door, I felt a tumbling weight shifting from inside myself and I knew I can do this.
" Ok Nick see you next week."
" Thanks." i said dryly and saw Kevin fixated on a sports magazine.
I cleared my throat and he suddenly glanced up and cracked a glow that comforted me.
" All set buddy?" he asked and I nodded.
We went to the car and as we climbed in he bombarded me with questions, good ones though.
" so how did it go? I mean you like her and feel comfortable talking to her?"
" Sure man..I mean she is great, I feel good about this now."
Kevin raised his furry eyebrows as if not believing me.
But that was Kevin for you, always being a father to us, even when we needed it at the hard times.
He started to knead his face and drove toward my house, after we got the prescriptions of course.
" Now Nick I am gonna stay with you for only a few days till your used to this system."
" But why! I am not a kid damnit!" i whined and he wasn't going to take no for an answer.
" Nick please, we had discussed this already" sternly and pointing his finger, I exhaled my hidden breath.
"sure." I muttered and he patted my shoulder.
"Good, lets order some pizza and watch some movies."
" I gazed up at him, and I felt he had been proud I am taking this big step into my recovery.
The flame in my heart was rekindled again.





8 am and I am not sure I am wide awake, With Kevin snoring in the next room, how could I?
I ripped the blanket off and headed for the kitchen.
Filling a glass with water and shook 2 small pills out, and shoved them in my mouth, followed by a long sip.
Bitter taste lingered in my throat as I coughed.
God I hate taking meds.
As I was srambling some eggs in the frying pain, I head heavy footsteps coming toward me.
" Good morning Kev." I mumbled without turning around.
" Did you remember to take your meds?" he asked and i groaned.
Gee what a nice good morning response and I stiffled a laugh.
" Yes Dad!" i mockingly called and he just shook his head, pouring some coffee and taking a seat at the table.
" So what do you wanna do today?"
I shrugged, I wasn't really sure, I mean I thought i could be used to being by myself and now that Kevin is here, I am dumbfounded.
" I dunno, whatever you want." I responded as he shredded the newspaper open and inspected it.
" I have an idea, lets invite the other fellas and have like a bbq sort of thing..what do you say?" Kevin suggested and I was down for it.
A nice afternoon with the guys, grilling some meat and shooting the shit.
I mean what could go wrong right?






Within a few hours, Brian, Howie and AJ came bursting through the door.
carrying platters of steak, burgers and ribs. Howie clutched a 12 pack of beer in his grasp while AJ had the soda.
It was like a meat fest or something and chuckled at them.
"Some feast were having huh?" I cleverly stated and the guys laughed.
"Well someone is feeling better!" Brian noticed
I was feeling better, but still had this cloud looming over me.
I can ride this storm I mumbled to myself.
I haven't even thought about slashing or anything like that.
"mmhmm..indeed." i sparked and I took all of the grub and went directly onto the porch.
It was a lovely day, the hours warming my flawed skin, complimenting my peaking joy.
Just feeling so perfect right now.
Brian and AJ were ruling the grill as they hung back and chatted playful like.
" So do you think their burning the steaks yet?" I joked and they died laughing.
" Probably, as long as they don't scorched the burgers then were good." Howie smiled, taking a little sip off his beer.



After we ate like kings..we all chilled and engraving this moment as if we hadn't seen each other for a while.
Suddenly I had this weird feeling I couldn't explain.
AJ started to rub my arm as he was blabbing out an inappropiate remark.
Trying to snap myself out of it, i felt the raindrop in my cloud before they can even form.
The touch was too familiar, reading my goosebumps like a new language.
The concerned ripples from them and melded my mind.
My chest constricted, sweaty palms sprinkling upon a cold can I held.
" Nick?" Kevin gingerly asked when blackened curtains faded in my sight.
I heard it, his creepy sound filling my ears with a scary melody.

" I want you Nicky" hissing like curdling steam.

Whimpering before I could even let out a scream, I bolted out of my chair
Running into the house and stealing my meds from a darkness that surrounds a decent fright.
" NICK!!!." Brian screamed in a panic.
My heart was rapidly thumping, it was losing my breath.
I gunshot into the car and frantically accelerated the speed matching my strangling refuse. Announcing waterworks to remain as my doubt.
As I turned to witness the guys standing helplessly, everything came crashing.
I didn't know where I was going or even a destination. But all I knew was I had to run, feeling like a point falling from earth.



" WHAT DO WE DO NOW! HE COULD HURT HIMSELF OR EVEN WORSE!!!" CRIED hOWIE.
Kevin bottled his gaze on asphalt liquid, absorbing every texture..determined.
" We find him." he simply said as the other joined him in his clawing fear.