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Petunia’s Rhinoceros


Remus pinched the bridge of his nose and drew a couple deep, steadying breaths, his eyes closed.

“Rey?”

He looked up. Peter was looking down at him with concern.

“Are you alright?”

Remus nodded. “I’m alright.”

“Sure?”

Remus nodded again. “Could - could you help me out with my tie, though, Pete?”

“Yeah, of course,” Peter nodded and he took Remus’s tie from the end of the bed. “Here - pop your collar up.” Remus reached up with shaking hands and pushed the collar of his shirt up. Peter strung the tie ‘round Remus’s neck and carefully started folding it over itself, tying it the way James taught him to do it. Once it was done, Peter folded the collar down and patted Rey’s shoulder, “There you are.” He smiled.

“Thanks, Pete,” Remus said.

Peter nodded again. He grabbed his own tie from his bed and strung it about his neck, his head tilted down to watch as he tied it about himself. “Are you feeling alright, really, though? I’m betting Sirius would understand if --”

“No,” Remus said quickly. “No. I’ll be alright. I need to do this. It’s our anniversary and - and Sirius went to all that trouble with the inviting me and all… and…” He paused, feeling a bit queasy. “Oh no.”

“What?”

“Cologne.” Remus covered his nose with his shirt sleeve. “Somebody’s cologne is -- oh Merlin, it’s turning my stomach.” He squeezed his eyes shut tight.

“I don’t smell anything,” Peter said, sniffing the air.

Remus groaned.

“Wait. I think I might now…”

“Yeah it’s getting stronger,” Remus muttered. “Oh Merlin, please don’t let it be --”

The door opened and Sirius stepped into the dormitory. He was wearing jeans, and a hot pink coloured t-shirt he’d magicked to read IF LOST, PLEASE RETURN TO REMUS LUPIN in big black letters on his chest. His leather jacket was layered over that, collar popped, and on his head, he wore a top hat, tilted to an angle. He wore his big boots and had safety pins holding shut a rip at his knee, and, to Remus’s horror, he absolutely reeked of cologne.

Peter looked ‘round at Remus.

“Moony! Do you like my shirt? I made it myself,” Sirius announced, holding his arms out for him to see.

Remus nodded. He had his sleeve over his nose still as he stared at Sirius. It took all his strength to lower it. “That shirt is amazing, Padfoot.” The cologne assaulted him.

Sirius grinned.

Remus was trying to breathe only through his mouth.

Peter cleared his throat, “That’s a, uh, interesting scent you have there, Pads.”

Sirius grinned, “I got it last year - in Hogsmeade.”

Peter sad, “Funny, I’ve never smelled it before.”

“I’ve never worn it before. Just broke it out for the special occasion.” Sirius grinned and slid onto the bed beside Remus, putting his arm around him. “Special cologne for my special date night with my special Moony.”

Remus was turning a special shade of puce.

Peter felt bad for him.

Sirius leaned closer and kissed Remus’s cheek. He’d applied the stuff to the space behind his ears and when he leaned in, Remus got a really good draft of it and it was so strong that he could nearly taste the horrible scent in his mouth. He felt dizzy and had to grit his teeth to keep from reacting with a gag. The last thing he needed to be doing was gagging when Sirius kissed him! He gave Sirius a tremulous smile, still trying not to breathe through his nose at all, which is entirely harder to do than it sounds.

“I’m so bloody excited!” Sirius announced and he jumped up and looked in the mirror, adjusting the hat on his head, frowning when he caught a glimpse of his hair in the reflection - it was still shorn horribly and he flushed and quickly jammed the top hat back over it.

Behind him, Remus was discreetly gasping for clean air now that Sirius had crossed the room and turned around. He quickly covered his nose and breathed through that, hoping the cloth would filter most of the smell. The brief contact Sirius had had with Remus’s robes had been enough to forever embed the scent into the fabric, though, and Remus coughed into the sleeve.

Sirius finished his preening and turned around. “Are you lot nearly finished getting ready?” he asked.

“Just about,” Peter nodded eagerly.

Remus said, “Just gotta… put the robe on…”

Sirius plucked the robe from the end of Remus’s bed and jumped over, holding it up so Rey could slip into it. “These seem a little short for you,” he commented.

“I mean, they probably are,” Remus said as he backed up into Sirius and reacted with a shrug, “I was a lot shorter last time I wore them.”

“Blimey, look at that, I’ll say you were!” Sirius was staring down at the three inches of ankles that were showing beneath the hem of Remus’s robes. “Look at you! The bigger man. You’ve gotten so much taller.”

“We all have,” Remus pointed out.

“But you got bigger than the rest of us. Which is funny because I remember back in the day when you were the smallest of us all! Just an ickle little lad…” Sirius turned him about and drew him closer and Remus was in hug - as well as a great cloud of the scent - and stomach lurched.




“...yes, Grunnings. My father’s been with the company for over a decade now and once I graduate Smeltings, I’ll be joining him there… I’m rather looking forward to it… Most people don’t realize just how interesting drill sales could be…”

Petunia looked about, sipping the cup of lemon water her mum had just put into her hand. Her eyes flitted over the guests that filled the living room… and they landed on Lily, who she could see was standing by the front door - hugging somebody. A boy… a boy with messy hair and glasses… and Petunia let out a squeak as her hand went to her very long neck and she paled.

“Petunia?”

Her fingers worked nervously against her pale skin.

“Petunia dear.”

She looked ‘round. Vernon Dursley stared at her with his eyebrows raised and she cleared her throat, “Sorry. Something caught -- in my -- excuse me. I need water.”

“But you’ve got --” he was gesturing to the cup of water in her hand as she drew herself away from the group, paused to put the cup down on the coffee table and walked across the room to the entrance hall.

James hadn’t moved other than to rest his cheek upon her head and to bring one of his palms up to softly cup the back of her head, holding Lily Evans against him with special care. He closed his eyes and just held her, closer than he’d ever held anyone in his life. It was as though she were built for him, though. She perfectly fit in the concave of his shoulders and chest and her head was exactly tall enough for him to lean his head upon her like this. As though he had been molded to her exact specifications.

She had finally stopped trembling.

She hadn’t stopped trembling since McGonagall had said her name in Slughorn’s brunch. Yet somehow… some way… James Potter’s arms were just so safe and so warm that she felt it slowing… stopping… and soon she stood still and relieved.

“What are you doing?” Petunia’s voice came from behind her and Lily’s face flushed. James felt her tense up again. “You’re making a right spectacle of yourself over here, snogging by the front door at your own father’s funeral! Have you no decency?”

Lily pulled out of James’s arms, looking aghast, “Tuney! We weren’t ---”

“Don’t lie. I can see. I have eyes!” Petunia glared at James. “Of course, you would be seeing a boy like this, wouldn’t you? Why don’t you go back down to Spinner’s End where you belong, you great sulking git? At least you’ve washed your hair. Might think of running a comb through it. I can give you one if you cannot afford one!”

James blinked in confusion, “Excuse me?”

“Tuney --” Lily said, turning to her sister, “Don’t be stupid. You’re thinking of Severus.”

“I’m not stupid!” Petunia hissed between her teeth. “You’re embarrassing me in front of all these people. You’re embarrassing mother.”

“Funny,” Lily hissed back, “As mother’s only just left us here a moment ago and she liked James.” She emphasized the name because she didn’t like that Petunia couldn’t tell the difference between Severus Snape and James Potter - they were very, very different people and it seemed an insult to cross them. Even in a mind as plain and simple as Petunia’s.

Petunia said lowly, “She doesn’t know him.”

“Nor do you,” Lily’s voice was sharp under her breath, “And at least he isn’t a boring fool like your rhinoceros!”

“Vernon -- is not -- a fool!” Petunia hissed, her face twitching as she said it.

“Notice you couldn’t deny the boring bit,” Lily hissed back.

“And if mother knew what he was like,” Petunia segued, nodding pointedly at James, “And what sorts of horrible things he does -- where he’s from -- that filthy slum --”

“You’re thinking of two different --”

“-- probably coated in fleas…”

“Fleas?” James’s eyes flashed, then he looked at Lily, a slight smirk crossing his face, “I certainly don’t have any of those. Would certainly know it if I did, apparently. Sirius says they’re murder.”

“Hullo there,” came a voice from behind Petunia and she froze in the middle of telling Lily off for her poor choice in men. “I’m Vernon… Vernon Dursley, nice to meet you. His pudgy hand stuck out ‘round Petunia’s shoulder, aimed for the terrible boy before Lily.

James Potter stared at the hand a moment, assessing the situation, and then stuck out his hand and firmly shook Vernon Dursley’s hand. “Potter,” he said, “James Potter. Nice to, er, meet you also Dursley.” Vernon Dursley’s hand was clammy in a weird way - not quite damp but sort of. Almost sticky, like tack paper. James found himself compulsively wiping his palm on his trousers once they’d released the handshake. James turned to look at Lily, “I thought you said his name was Rhinoceros?”

Petunia’s face turned scarlet. “How dare you!”

James grinned, the amusement dancing in his eyes. “Sorry. Dare I what?”

“Never - have I met - anybody -- so rude…”

“Sorry,” James said again, although he was far more amused than apologetic.

Vernon Dursley suddenly now looked quite affronted - he was several beats late to getting it that James had insulted him. “Now see here --” he started, turning purple about the face.

James looked at Vernon, eyebrows raised and instinctively reached for his wand from the back of his pants but it wasn’t there. Bloody hell, what’ve I done with it now? he wondered.

“We’re not fighting at Daddy’s funeral,” Lily hissed, stepping between James and Vernon Dursley, her own wand drawn discreetly, holding it low so that Petunia could see it, but not the rest of the party. Tuneys eyes flickered to the wand tip.

Vernon stared down at it, “What in dickens is that? A stick? What is the meaning of it?”

Petunia stared warily at the wand. “Come on, Vernon,” she said imperially, and she grasped his wrist, “There are far more interesting people we can talk to!” And he pulled him away.

Lily slid her wand back into a discreet pocket in her skirt, where she’d drawn it from in the first place. Evans, it seemed, was quite good at creating pockets where there were one, for she’d clearly modified her uniform skirt for a place to keep her wand.

James opened his book bag hurriedly and fished about within it. “I know I had it… had it on the bus for sure… made the flowers…” he muttered.

Lily looked at him. “What? Oh Potter, don’t tell me you’ve lost your wand.”

“I had it.”

“You’re always forgetting that thing places.”

“I know, Sirius always -- here it is.” He found it and he breathed in relief. For a moment, he’d imagined it sitting on the seat beside him on the Knight Bus and couldn’t resolve whether he’d picked it up when he got off the bus or not, but thank Merlin, here it was now. He held it up for Lily to see, then quickly stowed it through the belt look in the back of his trousers like he usually did at Hogwarts. His eyes flicked to Vernon Dursley, who was now shaking hands with some person across the room, where Petunia had led him off to. “He’s was…” James paused, unable to come up with a single adjective that was polite and also accurate. “...dull.” It was the nicest thing he could think of.

“Exactly,” muttered Lily.

James looked at her and a smile quirked up his lips.

Lily paused then asked, “Are you hungry?”

James shrugged, “I could go for something to eat, I s’pose.”

Lily glanced back at Petunia, laughing sooo uproariously at Merlin knows what, and looked back at James. “Shall we make the keyword of that go?” She needed fresh air and time away from Petunia and Vernon Dursley and this house that felt like it was caving in around her.

“We can if you’d like,” James replied.

Lily nodded, “I’d like. Let me just tell mother.” Quickly, Lily turned and hurried down the hallway, disappearing into the kitchen at the far end, leaving James alone.

James jammed his hands into his pockets once again and his eyes met Petunia’s from across the room. She stared at him with quite a lot of hatred in her eyes and he stood there, uncomfortably aware of her glare...

Lily returned a moment later, pulling on a dark grey wool coat and her Gryffindor scarf. “There’s a hamburger shop not far from here, we can walk,” Lily suggested.

“Alright,” James said, nodding, and he broke his eye contact with Petunia, turning to follow Lily out the door.