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Shaped a Bit Like a Freak


Sirius Black had never studied so hard in his life.

He sat pouring over those old yearbooks like he should’ve done with his homework - in fact, when he missed turning in a paper for Transfiguration and McGonagall asked him about it, Sirius said, “Oi, Minnie love, you have no idea how hard I’ve been studying this week.”

“Studying what?” McGonagall demanded, eyeing him, “Apparently not Transfiguration.”

Sirius said, “Yearbooks, darling - yearbooks.”

“Yearbooks?”

“Yeah, yearbooks.” Sirius bent over to dig into his bag to fetch one and pulled it out, holding it up for McGonagall to see. Beside him, Remus covered his face as McGonagall stepped forward and looked at the book. Her eyes flitted over the cover, then up to Sirius. “Might I say, Minnie, darling, you were adorable when you were an ickle firstie. Were you as wild as you appeared?”

McGonagall’s mouth formed a tight line. “Mr. Black,” she said sternly, “I have warned you against looking into Mia Black, have I not?”

“Actually, Professor, you have not,” Sirius answered, shrugging. “And honestly, I have a right to know my family, haven’t I?” he stared up at her. “It’s really important, Minnie… I wanna know I’m not the only one that’s escaped them. I wanna know I have a chance.”

McGonagall sighed loudly and turned back to the front of the room. “You won’t find anything of Mia Black in those books anyway, search as you might.”

Sirius’s jaw set with determination. “Oh?” he asked.

By now, Lily and James were looking just as uncomfortable as Remus was over this exchange.

“No,” McGonagall replied stiffly. “You will not.”

“Erased her, did you?”

“Mr. Black,” McGonagall said sternly, “You will let this matter drop. Mia Black is not any of your concern and -- and honestly it’s a very… dangerous topic… for you to be investigating. Let it go.”

Sirius stared at her.

But he did not let it go, whatever Minnie had told him, he was still sitting about in the common room, pouring over old photos in the pages of the yearbooks. One night, he was sitting on the couch, the book from Minerva McGonagall’s seventh year open, balanced on Remus’s back as he lay across Sirius’s lap on his belly, a textbook on the cushion next to Sirius’s leg that Remus was flicking through. James was sitting on the floor with the Snitch in his hand, drawing up plays for the Quidditch try-outs on Saturday and Peter sat attempting to roast marshmallows in the hearth.

“Oi James,” Sirius said, waving the book, “Found a picture of your mum and dad in here. Looks like they went to the Yule Ball together in seventh year.”

“Let me see,” James said, reaching for the book.

Sure enough, there was a photo in the bottom corner showing the pretty-faced Dora Potter in a plain-looking dress. Charlus stood beside her, wearing dress robes that were probably in high fashion in the early 50’s but now, twenty-some-odd years later, looked quite outdated. “Bloody hell, he looks like a right git!” James said, shaking his head but smirking down at them. Charlus Potter had been so bloody in love with Dora - and you could see it in his face as he held her in his arms and spun her about, staring down at her as though it was the whole universe he held. James pictured a long and romantic relationship had led up to this photograph - something not unlike Frank Longbottom and Alice Prewitt. He ran his hand over the photograph. He wished so much that he had that, too.

His eyes flitted to Lily Evans, who was leaning over the big table, helping Oliver Kent with a history assignment.

She looked up at exactly that moment and their eyes met and James quickly looked away. “Here,” he handed the yearbook back to Sirius, “I’m going to go upstairs.”

“Alright,” Sirius watched James go, then turned to see Lily Evans was watching him too. He nudged Remus, “Moonpie?”

“Sirius?”

“I need to go bother Lily Evans.”

Remus shifted so Sirius could get out from beneath him and Sirius dropped the book onto the cushion and went over to the big table, where Lily was, sliding into a chair across from Oliver.

“Fuck History, am I right, Ollie?” he said.

Oliver looked up. “It’s really hard. Mr. Binns is super boring.”

“Tell me about it. They say he literally bored himself to death, you know.”

Oliver laughed.

“Sirius, you’re interrupting his concentration,” Lily accused.

Sirius said, “Well, I wanted to talk to you.”

“I’m busy,” Lily answered.

“It’s important,” sing-songed Sirius.

“So is Oliver’s education,” Lily sing-songed back.

Sirius leaned forward and stared up at Lily, a smirking grin trembled over his mouth. “It’s about what’s wrong with Jaaaames,” he said enticingly.

Lily’s face was unreadable. She stared at Sirius for several long moments. Then, “Oliver, I’ll be right back. Reckon you can go it on your own alright?”

Oliver nodded and bent over the book as Lily grabbed Sirius by his tie and led him away from the table hurriedly as though the tie was a leash. Sirius went along with her, glancing over his shoulder as they went out through the portrait hole and into the corridor. She came to a stop a few steps away from the Fat Lady and turned on Sirius, still holding his tie. “What’s wrong with James?” she asked, worried.

Sirius’s lips quivered with threat of a smirk. “Darling, that’s precisely what I was going to ask you…”

“Ask me?”

“Uhhh-huh.” Sirius drawled, and when he spotted Carly and Meg coming down the corridor toward the portrait hole, he laced his arm over her shoulder and turned her to walk up the little staircase toward the balcony. “See, Evans, it’s like this… Potter’s been having this very peculiar hallucination sequence lately in which he claims he snogs with you and that you like it and I’ve been wondering if perhaps his hallucinations are less madness and more… mmm… je ne sais quoi… the truth?” He raised his eyebrows.

They stepped out onto the balcony and Sirius shut the door behind them as Lily walked robotically to the rail and looked over the grounds, her eyes wide with worry.

“I s’pose what my question is, Evans, is… are you fucking with the heart of my best mate?” Sirius tilted his head with curiosity and smirked, “‘cos seriously, you don’t wanna fuck him up or you’ll have me, Rey and… as unthreatening as he may be… Peter… to contend with.”

Lily’s fingers wrapped ‘round the stone. “I’m not trying to -... to-...” she drew a deep breath, “to fuck him up,” she forced herself to say the word, “I’m… conflicted.”

“Conflicted?” Sirius laughed.

Lily swallowed, “Yes. Conflicted.” She bit her lips as Sirius came over, drew a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and held it up to offer her one.

“Gods no,” she muttered. But she watched with interest as he lit one and started smoking - the light and look of it still fascinating to her, despite how disgusting they tasted. The cigarette seemed practically an extension of his fingers the way he held it was just so natural and he smiled as he blew rings out into the sky and watched as they floated away.

“Conflicted how, Evans?” Sirius questioned.

Lily looked down at the grounds again, turning away from him and the breeze fluttered her hair about as she watched Hagrid far below, harvesting something out of his vegetable patch. “Everyone I love dies or turns on me. I’m a jinx; I’m a… a freak.”

Sirius took a second drag off his cigarette, his eyes all but boring holes into her.

“I’ve treated him so poorly. Sometimes the things he says about… about the way I’ve treated him, it… it’s just so terrible. And… I mean honestly he hasn’t deserved that. He’s deserved better and I don’t understand why he likes me at all. He should hate me.”

“He bleedin’ well should, you’re quite right,” Sirius nodded, “But James Potter is an absolute dumbfuck when it comes to you and his ridiculous fascination. I simply do not understand it.” He blew rings into the air.

Lily looked down at her toes.

Sirius flicked ash over the side of the rail and let out a tremendous sigh. “You know,” he said, “James is sort of a freak as well and bloody hell if he isn’t a jinx, I don’t know what is. I mean his whole bloody house exploded, didn’t it?”

“While I was there,” Lily said with emphasis.

Sirius smirked, “That’s right - you were there, weren’t you? Maybe you are the jinx. Never mind what I was about to say.”

“What were you about to say?”

“That freaks and jinxes ought to stick together,” Sirius said. “I mean, that’s why us Marauders are friends, really. Me and Rey are busted up monsters with scars and broken hearts and James and Peter are a mess and aren’t we all messes, deep down?” Sirius shrugged, “I mean, maybe you fit with him because you’re a bloody freak. There’s nothing wrong with being a freak.”

Lily frowned.

“Fuck your stupid sister, Evans,” he said, “She doesn’t know anything.”

Lily looked at him.

“Yeah, I know where you get the word freak from - spent a bit of time ‘round darling Petunia, didn’t I?” he shook his head.

Lily murmured, “James deserves somebody that can put his pieces together.”

Sirius put the cigarette out on the stone. “Alright. Fair. But… I pose you this… What if it isn’t putting the pieces together that he needs help with? Hmmm? What if there’s a piece completely missing?” he turned to the door and shrugged as he backed through it, “And what if it’s shaped a bit like a freak?”

Lily stared at him.

“Just think on it, maybe Evans,” he said, and he drew the door closed behind him.

Lily turned back around and stared over the ledge at Hagrid, who was bent over the vegetable garden again, his three headed dog running about in loops behind him, chasing birds.