In the morning, the other four Boys went back to the hospital, arriving as visiting hours began at nine a.m. Lauren met them in the hall outside Nick’s room, looking like she had barely slept. She tried to put on a brave face in front of them, but her eyes were puffy and red-rimmed from crying.
“Nick’s having a procedure done right now,” she told them. “There’s a little family waiting room up the hall. Walk with me, and I’ll fill you in.”
Exchanging worried glances, the guys wordlessly followed her.
In the privacy of the small lounge, Lauren broke down. “So… Nick flatlined last night,” she said tremulously, as fresh tears filled her eyes. “We don’t know what happened - his heart just gave out. They’ve tried everything they can think of to get it going again, but so far nothing has worked. It’s been hours, and he still doesn’t have a heartbeat.”
Howie’s own heart skipped a beat. “But… he’s not…?” He couldn’t bring himself to say the words.
“He’s not dead, thank god,” Lauren confirmed, wiping away her tears, “but he would be, if it weren’t for the ECMO machine. The doctor said he’s not in any immediate danger as long as it keeps doing the work of his heart and lungs, but he can’t stay on it indefinitely. The longer he’s hooked up to it, the higher the risk of blood clots or other complications. They’re putting some kind of pump in his heart now to prevent blood from pooling in the ventricles.”
“A pump?” Kevin repeated faintly. His face looked pale.
“Damn, Lo, you sound like a freaking doctor,” said AJ, raising his eyebrows. “You been reading medical textbooks to pass the time or something?”
That made her crack a smile. “No, just listening to the real doctors talk and asking lots of questions. I’m probably driving them crazy.”
“Don’t ever feel bad about asking questions,” said Brian seriously. “You’re Nick’s wife; you deserve to know what’s going on with him. If something doesn’t make sense, keep asking until you get answers you actually understand. You have to be an advocate for him. He didn’t have anyone watching his back before, and look what happened.”
She nodded. “I know. Thanks for the advice.”
“So does the doctor have a plan besides this pump thing?” Kevin wanted to know. “How’s he gonna get Nick’s heart beating on its own again?”
“Well, she thinks the cardiac arrest could have been caused by an electrolyte imbalance, fluid buildup, or both. His body is so swollen because his kidneys have basically shut down and are barely making urine, so there’s no way for it to get rid of the extra fluids they’ve been giving him to keep his blood pressure up. He’s overloaded with fluid, and his potassium levels are all out of whack, which can both have an effect on the heart,” Lauren explained. “I was in the room while Dr. Brenner and the rest of the team were doing their rounds this morning. They decided to put him on a dialysis machine to do the job of his kidneys. It’s part of the ECMO circuit now - his blood gets taken out of his body, oxygenated, filtered, and pumped back in. The hope is that once his fluid and electrolyte levels are balanced, his heart will start beating again.”
“And if it doesn’t?”
She shook her head. “I didn’t ask that. I’m not sure I’m ready to hear the answer.”
Howie reached for her hand, giving it a sympathetic squeeze. “Do you have any good news to report?” he asked hopefully.
Lauren thought for a second before replying, “Dr. Brenner did say the dialysis is probably only temporary, that Nick’s kidney function should get better once his heart does, but I also heard her use the phrase ‘multisystem organ failure.’ I made the mistake of looking that one up. It scared the shit out of me.” Her bottom lip quivered as she struggled to hold back more tears.
AJ shuddered. “Never google medical terms. It’ll just give you new things to worry about - as if you weren’t worried enough already.”
“I know, right?” Lauren sighed, raking a hand through her long hair. “What a nightmare. I keep hoping I’ll wake up and find myself in my own bed with Nick sleeping next to me, perfectly fine, and this will all turn out to be nothing but a bad dream.”
Howie hoped for the same thing, but he knew it was only wishful thinking. This may have been a waking nightmare, but it was no dream. The reality was that Nick was dying, and if the doctors couldn’t help him, there wasn’t a thing any of them could do to stop it.
***
Nick was sinking in a deep, dark sea.
The pressure on his chest was crushing and incredibly painful. His lungs burned from holding his breath. Down here, the darkness was so impenetrable, he couldn’t see his own hand in front of his face. But he could still hear the baby crying somewhere below him, and so he kept going, following the sound. He kicked his legs and paddled his arms frantically, trying to propel himself faster through the water so he could catch up to her.
Suddenly, through the seemingly endless expanse of black, he saw a glint of light. He swam toward it, knowing instinctively that it would lead him to his little girl. As he got closer, the faint glow grew bigger and brighter, signalling him like a beacon at the bottom of an abyss. It gave Nick hope.
With a fresh burst of energy, he kicked harder, fighting through the pain and pressure as he continued his descent. He kept his eyes focused on the widening expanse of light as it emerged from the darkness and slowly took shape. Soon he could make out the sharp spires of many tall turrets, the gracefully sloping lines of domed roofs and arched doorways and windows. The golden light was coming from a gleaming castle.
It looked like a scene out of The Little Mermaid, a movie he had watched too many times to count when he was a child. His younger sisters, especially Leslie, had loved the story of Ariel, princess of the sea. Here was where he would finally find his own little princess, Arya. It may not have made much sense, but Nick had never felt more sure.
He drifted toward the door of the castle as if he already knew where he was going. “Welcome home! Come inside!” it seemed to be calling to him, even though he had never been there before. The closer he got, the better he began to feel. The intense pressure on his chest lifted… the burning pain lessened… and the craving for oxygen went away. He no longer needed to breathe. His body felt feather-light and free as a bird - or, rather, a fish.
The door opened effortlessly for him, and he floated inside. He was greeted by a colossal, golden staircase, which he began to climb, gradually ascending out of the water. At the top of the stairs was a wide hallway, adorned with intricately carved walls and high, vaulted ceilings. His footsteps echoed as he walked across the gleaming stone floor. When the infant began to wail again from somewhere nearby, Nick broke into a full-on run.
Rounding a corner, he found himself facing a closed door. He could hear her crying on the other side. He flung the door open and rushed across the room to a pedestal, upon which was perched a large, pink seashell. The plaintive cries were coming from inside. Prying apart the clamshell, he lifted the top half away. In the bottom lay a newborn baby, prettier and more precious than any pearl.
“Arya…” Nick breathed her name, gazing down at his daughter in adoration and awe. He didn’t understand how it was possible, but she had come back to him. He drank in the sight of her angel face, her rosebud lips, her ten tiny fingers and ten little toes. She was wiggling around like crazy inside the curved shell that served as her cradle, still crying at the top of her lungs. But the second he reached down to pick her up, she stopped. He felt her small body go limp in his arms as she blinked up at him, tears clinging to the ends of her wispy lashes. Her blue eyes looked just like his. “Daddy’s right here,” he whispered, as he rocked her back and forth. “I got you, baby girl. I’m never gonna let you go again.”
***
“I got you, babe,” Lauren whispered, as she rubbed the back of Nick’s left hand. “I’m right here, waiting for you to get better. I’m not going anywhere.”
Watching the two of them together, Howie felt almost like an intruder. He and the other guys had taken turns sitting next to Nick’s bedside for ten minutes at a time, rotating in and out, while Lauren rarely left the room. They didn’t want her to be alone, but Howie hated imposing on the precious time she had left with her husband. Unless his condition turned the corner soon, Nick’s days were numbered. He couldn’t linger like this for much longer, they knew, even if they didn’t want to admit it.
Howie’s eyes drifted to the heart monitor mounted on the wall over Nick’s head. Where there should have been a waveform, there was nothing but a flat line. The reading for his heart rate was a flashing red zero. Even with the alarm sounds silenced, everything about it screamed, “EMERGENCY!” Yet the numbers for the rest of Nick’s vital signs hovered near the normal ranges, thanks to the machines and medications that were controlling his breathing, blood pressure, and other bodily functions. He had a whole team of people who were doing everything they could to keep him alive, pumping him full of powerful antibiotics to combat the bacteria that had invaded his body. Now it was up to Nick to fight for his life.
“C’mon, Nicky,” Howie murmured, taking Nick’s right hand and giving it a squeeze. “You can do this. Come back to us now. Lauren and Odin need you. We all need you.”
Lauren nodded, sniffling and swiping at her eyes. “Thanks,” she said when he handed her a tissue from the box on Nick’s bedside table. She blotted away her tears and tucked the tissue into the front pocket of her t-shirt.
As she started to lower her hand, Howie saw her fingers move instead to the solid gold ring she wore on a chain around her neck - Nick’s wedding band. Absently, she fidgeted with it while her other hand brushed over the bare strip of skin where that band was supposed to be. Nick’s fingers had become so swollen from the buildup of fluid, his nurse had been forced to remove the ring before it cut off his circulation. In spite of their strained relationship, the fact that he had been wearing his wedding ring up until that point - and that Lauren had been wearing it ever since - showed Howie how much they still loved each other. As long as Nick lived through this, he and Lauren would be just fine.
“Did you hear Howie?” Lauren asked Nick, still stroking his hand. “He’s right. We do need you. Odin has missed you so much, and so have I. We just want you to come home.”
“I know how much he missed you guys, too,” Howie told her. “The last time I talked to Nick, about a week before his disappearance, he sounded terrible. Drunk… depressed. He was lost without you.”
“I was pretty lost myself,” Lauren admitted, taking the tissue out of her pocket as fresh tears filled her eyes. “I wanted to call him so badly and beg him to come home, but I was too proud… too stubborn. I thought he should be the one to come crawling back and apologize for leaving me in the first place. But all I did was deprive my son of time he could have spent with his daddy. If Nick dies, I’ll never forgive myself for that.”
Howie shook his head. “This is not your fault,” he reminded her, “and I’m sure if Nick could talk, he would be the first to agree. But if you feel like apologizing for the falling out you had with him, you can do it right now. Nick won’t even be able to argue with you - he’ll actually have to listen for once.”
Laughing through her tears, Lauren nodded. She laced her fingers through Nick’s so their palms were pressed together, then bowed her head and lifted his hand to her lips, planting a row of tender kisses across his knuckles. “I’m so sorry, baby,” she told him softly. “I never should have made you leave. I was hurting then, but the thought of losing you hurts so much more. I don’t want to be a single mother anymore - or a widow.”
A lump rose in Howie’s throat as he watched Lauren weep, the tissue in her hand forgotten as tears flowed freely down her face. His heart broke for both Nick’s wife, who was facing the loss of her husband, and their son, who might never see his father again. Yet he knew that of all the things in Nick’s life that were worth fighting for, his family was number one.
“Keep talking to him,” Howie encouraged her when she fell silent. “I know it’s hard, but he needs to hear your voice so he can follow it back to us.”
Lauren leaned forward, her tears falling onto Nick’s bedsheet as she bent down close to his ear. “I still love you, Nick,” Howie heard her whisper. “I never stopped.” She clutched his hand tightly to her chest, holding it over her own heart. “Please, baby,” she begged. “Please come back home.”
***
Inside the secluded castle hidden under the sea, Nick felt perfectly content. His little princess, once lost, was finally back in his arms, and all was right with the world again. He had forgotten about the fear and anguish he had left on land. Those negative feelings were behind him now, and he was never going back.
As he cradled Arya close to his heart, absorbing some of her warmth, the baby snuggled into his bare chest. The skin-to-skin contact brought comfort to both of them. He bowed his head and inhaled the sweet scent of her hair as he brushed his lips across her baby-soft skin, planting a light kiss on her pink forehead. In this place, he could hold her like this forever and never have to put her down. There was no pain or heartbreak here, only peace and love.
“She’s got eyes of the bluest skies,” he sang softly, seeing his own face reflected in his daughter’s shining, sapphire eyes, “as if they thought of rain. I hate to look into those eyes and see an ounce of pain. Her hair reminds me of a warm, safe place, where as a child I’d hide… and pray for the thunder and the rain to quietly pass me by.”
He hadn’t been able to protect her before, but she was safe now. They both were.
“Whoa-oh-oh, sweet child of mine…”
No one could take her away from him this time. No one would ever hurt him again.
“Whoa-oh-oh-oh, sweet love of mine…”
He would stay here with his baby girl, rocking her for the rest of eternity.
But as he continued his lullaby, Nick gradually became aware of another voice, besides his own, coming from somewhere beyond the castle walls, far above the surface of the water. It was calling his name.
“Nick…”
Lauren. He had practically forgotten about his wife, but when he heard her familiar voice calling to him, he was able to picture her face clearly in his mind. He saw her standing in bright sunlight, holding their son.
Odin. For the first time since he had found Arya, Nick felt a pang of sorrow in his chest. In being here, he had chosen to leave his other child behind. If he stayed in this place, far from the rest of his family, he would never see his wife or son again - or, at least, not for a very long time.
He fell silent and listened to the faraway sound of Lauren’s voice telling him she loved him, begging him to come back home. It broke his heart to hear her cry. She was clearly distraught by his absence, and he desperately wanted to comfort her. But if he went back to the surface, he would be forced to endure more physical pain and emotional agony, for he would have to leave Arya alone in this place. Instinctively, he knew he could not take her with him. As much as he wished they could all be together, it wasn’t meant to be. Lauren and Odin were supposed to stay in the sunlit world above water, but little Arya belonged in a kingdom beyond.
Nick found himself caught in the middle, floating between the two realms, torn over whether to remain with his daughter or return to his wife and son. It was an impossible decision, but one he would inevitably have to make. Lauren’s voice was already fading, sounding farther and farther away. The longer he waited, the less likely it was that he would be able to find his way back to his family. If he didn’t leave soon, his indecision would seal his fate, and he would lose his chance to reunite with them. Then he would have no choice but to stay here with Arya forever. But that was what he wanted… wasn’t it?
Nick didn’t know anymore. He no longer felt content. His chest hurt, as if his heart was being ripped in half. No matter what happened, he would have to leave a piece of it somewhere else. Either way, his heart would never be whole again.
But then, neither was Lauren’s. She, too, had lost a little piece of her heart when they’d lost Arya, and if Nick chose to stay here, she would lose another. He hated to leave her brokenhearted like that. But at least she would still have Odin. If he left Arya, she would be all alone.
Or would she?
In the back of his mind, he remembered Dani saying, “You don’t think her grandpa and aunt are taking good care of her?”
“Yeah,” he had replied, “of course they are.”
Suddenly, he became aware of the sound of footsteps approaching on the stone floor. He turned around and saw his little sister Leslie standing the doorway. Just behind her, smiling over her shoulder, was their father, Bob.
Nick’s jaw dropped in disbelief as they drifted toward each other. He didn’t remember the last time he had seen either of them, only knew that it had been a long time. “What are you guys doing down here?” he asked happily, hugging his sister first, then his father.
“We were about to ask you the same question, son,” said his dad, arching an eyebrow. “What are you doing down here?”
Nick avoided the question. “I want to introduce you to my daughter!” he said excitedly, showing them the baby in his arms. “This is Arya Reign Carter.”
Leslie burst out laughing. “Oh, Nick. Did you honestly think I wouldn’t have met my niece by now? Or that she doesn’t already have Dad wrapped around her little finger? Trust me, he’s way more devoted to his precious granddaughter than he ever was to any of us.”
“Hey now,” said Bob in a warning tone. “I know I may not have been the world’s best father, but I loved all of you. I still do.”
“Wait…” Nick was struggling to understand. “So you’ve both been down here with her this whole time?”
“Well, we weren’t going to let her be alone,” said Leslie. “Are you worried we’re going to screw her up like the rest of the family?”
Nick swallowed hard. “No... it’s just… you’re dead.”
“No shit, Sherlock.” Leslie snorted with laughter. “So is she.”
Nick felt a cold, sinking sensation, as if he had just swallowed an ice cube. “Does that mean I’m dead, too?”
“Depends on your definition of ‘dead.’ Legally? No… not yet. Clinically? Well… your heart hasn’t been beating for a few hours, but you’re still breathing, and your blood’s still circulating through your body somehow, so…” She shrugged. “I dunno, it’s all very complicated. I don’t really understand it either.”
Nick raised his eyebrows. “So... I’m not dead?”
“Not yet,” Leslie repeated. “But you’re dangerously close. If you stay down here much longer, you will be, just like the rest of us.” She slung her arm over their dad’s shoulders. “If you wanna live, you’re gonna have to get going soon.”
Nick hesitated, then shook his head. “I don’t wanna leave her.”
“There’s nothing worse than losing a daughter,” his dad said knowingly, wrapping his arm around Leslie’s waist. “But you’ll see her again someday.”
“I don’t know what it’s like to lose a child,” added Leslie, “but I know what it’s like to leave one behind. I don’t want you to end up like me, Nick, and I won’t let you do that to my nephew. Go home to Odin. I’ll take care of Arya until it’s time for you to come back here.”
Tears filled Nick’s eyes at the thought of leaving his little boy fatherless, his wife a widow. He didn’t want to be like Leslie either, but he couldn’t bring himself to hand his baby over to her.
“Listen to your sister. She’s right,” said Bob. “Don’t you want to be around to help raise your son?”
Nick nodded, wiping his eyes. “Of course I do.”
“Well, you can’t have it both ways. You’ve either gotta fight for your life, or you give up and let Odin grow up without his father. What’s it gonna be?”
“You’re asking me to choose between my children,” said Nick desperately. “I can’t do that.”
“No, I’m telling you to choose between life and death,” his dad declared. “You’re lucky you even have a choice. I didn’t. It all happened so fast, I had no idea what was happening. One minute I was falling asleep in my bed, and the next thing I knew, I was waking up here.”
“Where is ‘here,’ anyway?” asked Nick, looking around. “Are we in Heaven?”
“We’re wherever you want us to be,” said Bob with a shrug. “But like I was about to say… if I’d had a choice in the matter, I would have given anything for one more day with my wife and kids. A chance to say goodbye, at least.”
Nick remembered being blindsided by the phone call from Aaron, telling him the news of their father’s sudden passing. Besides his grief, he had felt a great deal of guilt over not being there. “I’m sorry I didn’t get to see you before-”
His dad held up his hand to silence him. “No need to apologize, Nick. I know why you distanced yourself from us. I’m not saying it didn’t hurt, but you did what you had to do for your own health and wellbeing. I see that now.” His lined face split into a wide grin. “I’m proud of you, son,” he said as he pulled Nick into a hug, slapping his back. “You’ve become a better man and a far better father than I ever was.”
“Thanks, Dad,” whispered Nick, a lump rising in his throat.
“You bet. Now go back to your own boy. Let Les and me watch over your little girl for a while. We’ll be right here waiting for you when you’re ready to reunite with her.”
Nick swallowed hard. Knowing how much it had hurt to lose his father, he couldn’t fathom purposefully putting Odin through that pain, especially at such a young age. He wanted to live a long life and be there to watch his son grow up, get married, and have children of his own. He wasn’t ready to die.
“All right,” he finally agreed. “I’ll go back.”
Leslie grinned. “Good choice, bro.” She gave him a hug, then held out her hands for Arya.
Nick felt as if an invisible fist was squeezing his heart as he brought his lips down to his daughter’s angelic face, kissing her soft forehead, each of her eyelids, her plump, pink cheeks, and her little rosebud mouth. “Goodbye for now, baby girl,” he whispered. “Daddy and Mommy both love you so much. We’ll see you again someday.”
Just as he had forced himself to hand over his baby’s limp body to the nurse in the hospital after he and Lauren had finished holding her, now Nick reluctantly surrendered his daughter to his dead sister, placing Arya in Leslie’s open arms while their father watched with a smile.
Saying goodbye to all three of them for the second time was somehow even harder than the first, but before Nick knew it, he was in the water once more. It felt much colder this time. He looked back once, trying to catch another glimpse of the castle, but he couldn’t see a thing through the blackness. Thankfully, he could still hear Lauren’s voice calling him from somewhere far above his head. He followed the sound, fighting through the burning pain in his chest as he kicked frantically for the surface.
***
Howie had fallen into a stupor as he sat next to Nick’s bed, watching his bare chest rise and fall with the rhythmic hiss of the ventilator that was breathing for him. When he heard a knock on the door, he nearly jumped.
“Time’s up, bro,” said a hoarse voice, and Howie looked up to see Brian standing in the doorway. Had it been ten minutes already? He released his grip on Nick’s hand and rose from his chair as Brian approached the bed. “Any change?” Brian asked hopefully before glancing up at the heart monitor.
Howie shook his head. “Not yet. Keep praying,” he said, patting Brian on the back as he passed by him. Brian took his place at Nick’s bedside, and Howie headed for the hallway, deciding he would see if AJ or Kevin wanted to go down to the gift shop with him and get something for Lauren. He thought she might appreciate having a book or magazine to help her pass the time. The ICU was a pretty boring place.
He was two steps away from the door when he suddenly heard Lauren gasp. Startled, he whirled around to find her eyes glued to Nick’s monitor. “Did you guys just see that?!” she asked, looking from Brian to Howie. “That was a beat!”
“What??” Howie hurried back over to the bed to get a better look at the monitor overhead. He was disappointed to find that the line recording Nick’s heart rhythm was just as flat as before. “Where?”
“I swear, the line spiked a little,” Lauren insisted, looking back at the monitor.
Brian shook his head. “Sorry, I must’ve missed it,” he said, frowning.
“Well, just wait… maybe it’ll happen again.” Nick’s wife wasn’t ready to give up hope. “It was just one small wave, but hey, that’s better than nothing, right? It has to be a good sign.”
Howie wanted with all his heart to believe her, but he suspected that after hours of sitting by her husband’s hospital bed, waiting and praying for any sort of positive sign, Lauren’s tired eyes were starting to play tricks on her. Still, he stayed and watched the monitor with bated breath, hoping it would prove him wrong.
“Come on, Nick,” Lauren begged, squeezing his hand between both of hers. “I know you’re still with us, babe. If you can hear me, give us another sign.”
Nothing happened.
Howie was about to leave when the line on the heart monitor abruptly went up and then down again, leaving a lone hill on an otherwise flat horizon. “Whoa… I saw that one!” he announced, feeling elated as he looked over at Lauren. Her eyes were shining with optimism.
Brian nodded. “I saw it too that time. Should we tell someone?”
“Yeah, hit his call button - it’s on your side of the bed,” said Lauren.
Howie hung around while they waited for Nick’s nurse, Christina, to come check on him. It didn’t take her long to respond to the call. “How we doing in here?” she asked as she walked into the room and looked around. Howie wondered if she would say anything about the fact that there was one more than the allotted two visitors, but she didn’t.
“Fine,” answered Lauren. “Better than fine, actually - Nick’s heart just started beating again. Well, sort of. It’s not consistent, but we’ve seen a couple of spikes on the monitor.”
Christina raised her eyebrows as she glanced at the monitor, which had gone flat again. “Really? Well, that’s good news! Let me take a listen.” She pulled on a pair of gloves, put her stethoscope in her ears, and pressed the end to Nick’s chest. Howie held his breath and watched her face as she moved it around, frowning in concentration. Finally, Christina removed the stethoscope and said, “So, I’m not hearing any heart sounds, but if there have been waves on the monitor, it means there’s at least some electrical activity happening inside his heart. It’s just not organized enough to generate a rhythm. I’ll let Dr. Brenner know; she may want to examine him herself.”
“Does this mean he’s starting to recover?” asked Lauren. Howie admired her refusal to abandon hope.
“It could,” Christina answered carefully. “He still has a long road ahead of him, but it’s an encouraging sign.”
Brian caught Howie’s eye, and they both smiled. That was all they needed to hear.
***
