What you do
Every time you walk into the room
I’m afraid to move
~It’s True by Ryan Cabrera
Brian opened his mouth and let his voice ring out, “I’ve been walking ‘round inside a haze, between the lines of reason, hiding from the ghost of yesterday, feels like I’m barely breathing...”
The rest of the boys joined in, though Brian’s voice was still prominent, “I, I want to feel the rain again, I, I want to feel the water on my skin, and let it all just wash away in the downpour, I want to feel the rain…”
The crowd’s screams were relentless and their energy was explosive, even when the song was a slower pace than the previous few songs. Brian was sweating from the bright lights shining down on him, from dancing and running across the stage. He welcomed this break.
He smiled into the microphone, unable to contain his happiness. He always felt incredibly liberated when he was on stage. Everything in his life that may be bothering him or holding him down immediately lifts off his shoulders as soon as he steps foot in front of all those thousands of adoring fans. It was his chance to be someone else for a few hours. Someone who was carefree and happy. Someone who seemed to have it all.
All four of them sat there on their stools, different colored spotlights shining down on them. Behind them up on the platform, the huge back screen shimmered of trickling water and four girls twirled in flowing dresses at its bottom.
Howie then began to sing alone, “I’ve been losing days, the shades pulled down, I still can’t face the sun…”
Nick’s voice took over, “But I, I’m going crazy, I can’t stay here, I’ve gone completely numb, I just wanna, need someone…”
All of them, Nick still standing out, “I, I want to feel the rain again, I, I want to feel the water on my skin, and let it all just wash away in the downpour, I want to feel the rain…”
The music then began to change into a different song, and the girls moved from the platform and down the stairs, one behind each of the boys. The guys all stood up, and the girls moved forward to move the stools away, but then began to move gracefully to the music when AJ opened his mouth to sing, “She keeps her secrets in her eyes, she wraps the truth inside her lies, just when I can’t say what’s she’s done to me, she comes to me, and leads me back to paradise. She’s so hard to hold, but I can’t let go…”
All of them, Nick’s voice more prominent than the others, “I’m a house of cards in a hurricane, a reckless ride in the pouring rain, she cuts me and the pain is all I want to feel, she’ll dance away just like a child, she drives me crazy, drives me wild, but I’m helpless when she smiles…”
Brian could feel Leslie behind him and he yearned to turn to her, to sing to her. It was a silly desire but he felt invincible up there in front of so many piercing eyes. Leighanne had left early that morning so he felt a heavy burden lift off his shoulders. The consequences that would result with Nick so near was the only thing holding him back from turning to Leslie and pulling her to him close.
As the boys spread out to interact with the crowd as they sang, Brian barely moved. The girls moved forward due to their choreography and he could see Leslie out of the corner of his eye.
He couldn’t help himself, so he turned slightly to be able to look at her, but acting as if he were just facing the crowd to the left of the stage. He glanced at her as he opened his mouth, “Maybe I’d fight it if I could. It hurts so bad but feels so good…”
He patted his heart, calm coming over him as Leslie’s eyes met with his. She looked a little startled at his direct and deliberate acknowledgment of her but continued dancing. With every twirl she took, her eyes immediately locked with Brian’s once again.
“She opens up just like a rose to me, when she’s close to me. Anything she’d ask me to I would…” Brian crooned. He had pushed as much emotion and fierceness in those last words as he possibly could, because he meant them. He would do anything for Leslie, she just had to say the word.
AJ, during his flirtations with the crowd, had turned to Brian as he sang and had noticed that his attention wasn’t on the fans. AJ stopped for a moment and looked to where Brian was singing. Only the people on stage could tell that Brian wasn’t exactly paying attention to his fans. From the crowd, it looked as if Brian was still singing to them.
AJ was taken aback when he saw that Leslie was the object of Brian’s attention. He saw the way she looked at him and equally noticed the fire in Brian’s eyes. He quickly turned to Nick and relaxed when he saw Nick interacting with the crowd, smiling.
AJ smoothly made his way across the stage and reached Brian when he had finished with his lyrics, “It’s out of control, but I can’t let go…”
AJ had noticed the intensity in how Brian sang his lyrics and his heart stopped in his chest. He put on a smile and quickly threw his arm around Brian’s shoulder, forcing him away from Leslie. Brian looked at AJ startled, but didn’t have time to really react as the chorus began once again, “She’s a house of cards in a hurricane, a reckless ride in the pouring rain, she cuts me and the pain is all I want to feel, she’ll dance away just like a child, she drives me crazy, drives me wild, but I’m helpless when she smiles…”
Fear washed over Brian when he saw the look in AJ’s eyes. It was a mixture of realization, confusion, and disbelief. AJ was always the guy who caught on before everyone else did. He tended to see things others didn’t, and he was now terrified that Nick had noticed his irresponsible actions. He quickly looked over at Nick but a wave of relief washed over him as he saw Nick engrossed in the song, paying absolutely no attention to where Brian and AJ stood, and giving no indication that he had seen what AJ had seen. He made a quick glance back at Leslie and found her looking over at Nick as well, worry etched over her face.
He felt terrible for slipping and putting Leslie in that position. He had been overcome by the exhilaration of being on stage that he hadn’t stopped to think. But as he looked back on it, he couldn’t help but have his heart swell with joy as he pictured the intensity in Leslie’s eyes.
For the rest of the concert, he made sure to stay away from Leslie as much as he could. When it was unavoidable through their dance routines, he tried not to make eye contact with her but to stay focused on the music and his fans.
Everyone had taken the same van back to the hotel that night. They were all exhausted so there wasn’t much conversation, but that was to be expected. That was how it normally was. But Brian couldn’t help but feel like he was the reason for Leslie and AJ’s quietness. Though that probably wasn’t the case, he couldn’t stop his guilt all the same.
AJ had kept an eye on Brian the rest of the concert and hadn’t seen anything out of the ordinary. Was he overreacting? Could he have just been caught up in the energy of the show and taken a friendly, harmless gesture as something more?
Brian had barely acknowledged AJ, let alone Leslie, so he was having mixed feelings on the subject. He probably was thinking too much into it, but looking back at the past months, he had consistently seen odd behavior between Brian and Leslie. Nothing too extreme to be really noticeable, but the collection of those memories seemed to tell a different story.
AJ looked from Brian sitting next to him to Leslie sitting in front of him, Nick’s arm protectively wrapped around her shoulders. He sighed, knowing that he really had nothing to go by. He just knew that something wasn’t right.
Brian had noticed Leslie pull back from the group as they entered the lobby to their hotel. There were fans frantically trying to get at them outside, but security held them back, allowing the group to pass by.
Brian noticed how Leslie kissed Nick, saying something to him. He had nodded and gone on with Howie, AJ, security, assistants, and the rest of their entourage. Brian acted as if he had forgotten his key, telling security that it was fine to go on ahead.
He made his way over to the desk, glancing over at Leslie as often as he could to see what she was doing. She had waited until the elevators had closed on Nick and everyone else before she turned and looked at him, walking down a hallway to the left of the elevators.
Brian quickly grabbed the room key he had no need for and followed after her, trying to not make it too obvious. He grew puzzled when he turned to enter the hallway, not seeing Leslie in sight. He read the doors and found them to be maintenance and entrances to the kitchens. He walked slowly, unsure of what to do.
A door suddenly opened and Leslie popped out, grabbing Brian by the hand and yanking him in behind her. She closed the door and turned to him. Brian was a bit taken aback to see anger on her face.
“Leslie-“
“What were you thinking?” she asked harshly.
Brian sighed, running his hands through his hair, “I’m sorry, I wasn’t.”
“You can’t do that Brian. You can’t-“, she stopped, choking up. Tears were coming to her eyes and she turned from him, wiping them away. Brian looked at her sadly, not expecting this to happen. He stepped forward, touching her softly. She pulled away, “Don’t.”
“Don’t what?” he asked desperately.
“Touch me,” she sniffled. Brian was hurt by her words and she saw this, “I didn’t mean to say it like that. It’s just that…”
She stopped and groaned. Brian looked at her puzzled, unsure of what to do, “Just what Leslie?”
She looked up at him sadly, a few tears trickling down her face, “Every time you touch me I feel like I lose control of everything.”
He sighed, feeling the same pain that she was displaying, “I can’t help it.”
“But you need to. You can’t just do whatever you want with a complete disregard for the consequences.”
“But why does there have to be consequences?” Brian asked, his voice rising. He was frustrated. Not with Leslie per say, but with the entire situation. The unfairness of it all was crashing down around him.
“Because what we have, these feelings and desires, are wrong,” she said quietly.
“Why are they wrong? How can they be? It’s not my fault that you came into my life. It’s not my fault that I developed feelings for you!”
“And it’s not my fault either! But the fact remains that this is happening. You can’t deny this!” she exclaimed. She softened her voice, “I’ve tried so hard, but it’s getting more difficult every day.”
“It’s just as hard for me Leslie. I don’t know how to handle this,” he said, moving towards her. She was pressed against the door, looking up at him. He looked into her eyes, “I’ve tried to do what we discussed, to stay away from you, but I can’t do it. I feel good when I’m around you. I know that this is wrong, but these feelings…”
He paused before he continued, watching as Leslie searched his face, “These feelings don’t feel wrong Leslie. My heart and my head are saying two completely different things. How can something that makes me feel so… whole, so complete, be so bad?”
Fresh tears welled up in her eyes and she made no move to get away from Brian. He was so close now. He could see the brown specks in her irises and the subtle glistening of her lips. All he had to do was lean down slightly and she would be his.
“Why can’t things be different?” he softly asked, reaching up and stroking her cheek.
She closed her eyes, taking in a shaky breath. She turned her cheek towards his hand, savoring how his fingertips felt against her skin, loving the shivers and goose bumps they sent over her. They stood there in silence, taking in how close they were to one another.
Leslie finally opened her eyes and looked up at Brian, thinking of Nick, “They aren’t though Brian. I know it’s not fair but…”
He was snapped out of his reverie at her words.
She stated with a bit of sharpness, “This is the way it is. We have to stop.”
She moved out from under him and opened the door. Brian stepped back and watched as she left, not looking back at him. He sighed heavily, clenching his jaw, hearing the door click shut. He felt hopeless and lost. He felt foolish.
They did need to stop. They were accelerating at an alarming speed towards a conclusion that only meant pain and heartache. But he couldn’t stop. She was becoming an addiction. Even though she had said those words with such finality, he knew that she couldn’t stop either.
He closed his eyes and breathed in, wishing that he could turn back time to the place where he had started doubting Leighanne. He wanted to go back and change how he had handled things. He should have done something from the beginning and not let his feelings progress as they have. Maybe if he had fixed things earlier he wouldn’t have fallen into this trap.
But deep down he knew that wasn’t true. Even if he was the happiest man alive with Leighanne, he knew that feelings would have erupted within him for Leslie anyway. She was just that type of woman. It was just under these circumstances that these feelings had intensified and exploded so quickly.
What was worse was that he was beginning to not to care about the consequences. The bottom line was that he wanted her, as selfish and foolish as that may be.
He wanted her.
There was no turning back now.
