To make me better, much better
All I need to write is a bitter song
To make me better, much better
~Bitter song by Butterfly Boucher
It had been over a month since Leslie and Nick’s first fight and all was seemingly well, in every aspect. The tour was going well; sold out shows across the world, adoring and loyal fans everywhere they turned. They’ve been everywhere, from Italy to Finland, from Sweden to Ireland, to now Japan, where they had 3 shows to do in 3 nights. It was only early November, the last show due at the end of March, which would end their US tour in Florida. Either way, everyone was having the time of their lives.
Brian and Leslie met whenever they could, which was more often than they both had expected. They met where possible, be it his room, or hers, if Nick wasn’t there, from private pools to laundry rooms, from backseats to showers and Jacuzzi’s, and even once, an elevator. They couldn’t get enough of each other, and their passion never subsided. They felt alive and exhilarated. They felt at peace when they were with one another.
They had been lucky, not once getting caught and not once being questioned, but they knew that their luck would soon run out, though they never spoke of it to one another. They were having an affair. Flat out, truthfully, an affair. Leslie was cheating on Nick, and Brian was cheating on his fiancée Leighanne, and they both felt out of control with the entire situation. Their guilt increased with each kiss and with each heated embrace, but they couldn’t stop. They cared about each other, deeper than they were willing to admit, but they were too afraid to leave the ones they were with. Too afraid to see if what they had was real. But through these inner battles, they were realizing the pain they were unknowingly putting their loved ones through, but with each kiss and with each look, these thoughts all but washed away.
Nick had begun to see Leslie’s detachment more significantly day by day and wondered what he had done for her to pull away like she has. However, he would forget his worries whenever she’d smile or kiss him. She had an affect on him that no other woman had ever had. He was putty in her hands, and she didn’t seem to realize that. She was his everything, but he knew deep down, though he didn’t want to admit it to himself, that he wasn’t hers.
He couldn’t explain where she would go at night for hours on end, or why she’d disappear at the oddest moments to suddenly reappear an hour or two later, looking happier and more radiant than she had when she left him. He wondered what would make her so happy, wanting to do this same thing himself. He couldn’t remember the last time he had made her smile the way she did when she would walk back to him, shrugging off her whereabouts when he would ask where she had gone.
Cheating never crossed his mind for whatever reason. Maybe it was because to him, she really could do no wrong, that she wasn’t capable of such betrayal, but also because the thought was too painful to even touch upon. The woman he loved cheating on him? No, to him, that wasn’t possible. Not even a little.
And so he left it alone, pushing his worries aside, embracing her smiles and her kisses, her words of affection and even her empty ‘I love yous’. Even though she said those words, he was beginning to realize that there was no meaning behind them. He cared but little because she was still his, and he justified it by thinking that maybe he had rushed into that step. He knew she cared about him, he could see it in her eyes and how tenderly she would touch him. He saw it in her smiles and how she took care of him when he needed it. He knew she would love him, eventually, but it didn’t stop him from wanting to hear those empty ‘I love yous’ because at least it was something. At least he could grasp onto those words and make believe that they were true. He loved her and she was his and that’s what mattered. He thought that if he could love her hard enough that she would eventually love him back.
AJ on the other hand was beginning to suspect more and more. He had caught Brian and Leslie looking at one another the way friends shouldn’t more times than he could count. He had seen the way Brian would touch Leslie delicately or the way Leslie would sometimes mouth things to Brian that would cause him to grin like a damned fool. AJ tried to read her mouth when she did this, but whenever he caught them doing it, she was already nearly done with whatever it was she was saying. But to top of off, he couldn’t read lips worth a damn.
He had mentioned his fears to Howie and Leigh before she left back for California. They both laughed and shrugged it off, saying it was impossible with Brian engaged and Nick and Leslie seemingly so in love. AJ wouldn’t accept this however, knowing from so many other occasions that his gut was usually right. But he was in no position to confront either of them with no real proof. To accuse someone of adultery, not to mention one of your best friends and band mates, reeked of trouble. But then again, he couldn’t see Brian doing anything remotely this stupid. He was a Christian man, a sensible and compassionate man, and to AJ, Brian wasn’t capable of doing something that could put his friendships and his career on the line. And so he sat back and waited, watching closely, wishing and praying that his suspicions were only the work of a tired mind.
Leighanne on the other hand had been hearing rumors. Turns out AJ wasn’t the only one noticing odd things between Brian and Leslie, especially the dancers who were on stage during the concerts. They saw the way Brian would look at Leslie as they danced, and the way he moved his hands over her in ways that weren’t befitting the choreography. They noticed this because they were there from the beginning, in the background, watching the progression of their shy and tentative, respectful dancing, to a more and more passionate and emotion filled display. The girls especially would talk about them, though no where near Nick or around anyone that would go to Nick, in respect for his feelings in case they were wrong, but they told their makeup and costume stylists.
Unfortunately, the costume stylist, Chelsea, had been a friend of Leighanne for many years. She had been the Backstreet Boys’ stylist since the beginning and therefore knew Leighanne and her relationship with Brian from the get go. She had heard these rumors, and unable to contain herself, had informed Leighanne on the phone over what she had been hearing.
Leighanne was stunned at first, hurt and angry, more so with Leslie than with Brian. Her and Brian talked on the phone every other day or so from the first day she had left, and he sounded fine, being as attentive as he always had been, asking how she was, how the shoot was going, what was new. He’d tell her he loved and missed her before they hung up and she believed him. They were getting good again, or so she thought. But then only a few days ago she had heard from Chelsea and each time she talked to Brian she waited and listened, hoping to hear some faint indication that not all was well. She was frustrated, finding nothing different or faltering.
She convinced herself that if these rumors were true, it wasn’t Brian who was to blame, but Leslie. To her, Leslie was now a conniving, heartless bitch, who had somehow conned Brian into having relations with her. She was terrified that through his misconceptions and blindness that he would leave her. She had already had a taste of life without Brian, vividly remembering their fight and his desire to stop planning their wedding until further notice. She knew then that she would do anything, anything, to keep him for herself. In her mind and her perfect world, she was going to marry him and spend the rest of their lives together, side by side. She was bound and determined to get back to him as soon as possible and figure out if what Chelsea was telling her was true. And if it was true, she would take desperate measures to keep him with her. She would go to great lengths to have him not leave her. She would do anything. Anything.
Both Leslie and Brian were in a different world however, a world they themselves created. A safe nook for them to escape to where they could be with one another, talk, laugh, make love, do everything best friends do but more. Though they didn’t want to admit it to themselves, they were falling in love, if not already. They were in deeper than they thought they’d ever go, and consequences were not too far ahead because of it. There would be jealously and anger, yelling and fighting, but all because they had developed feelings far beyond what they had initially intended. They were in love and they just didn’t know it yet. It would take an unusual amount of pain before either one of them realized this, but realize it they would, because love can’t be bottled up. Love is meant to be shown to all the world. It’s only a matter of time before it explodes.
“My God, you’re impossible,” Brian laughed, trying to position Leslie’s fingers over the correct chords.
She laughed as well, “I’m sorry, last time I checked I played the piano, not the guitar.”
“You’d think with how utterly amazing you are at playing that instrument, you’d think this would come easy,” he replied. She smiled at him, sticking her tongue out. He pointed his finger at her, “Now pay attention.”
“Yes sir, Brian sir,” she mocked seriously. He laughed, “Leslie, come on.”
“Alright, alright, I’m listening,” she gave in.
He took her fingers and positioned them out, “Okay, strum.”
She did as she was told and he nodded once in satisfaction, “Okay, that’s a C.”
She strummed again, looking at her fingers, “Okay, C. Now what?”
“Remember E? Play that one,” he replied.
She stared at him blankly, “Um…”
He sighed exasperated, throwing his hands in the air, “Leslie, I showed you E only a minute ago!”
She laughed at his reaction, “I’m sorry, but this clunky thing in my lap and my fingers having to go all over the place, it’s complicated!”
“Clunky thing? How dare you call it clunky!” he exclaimed playfully. She giggled and he laughed, “Alright sweetheart, we don’t have to do this.”
She looked at him apologetically, “I’m sorry love. Besides, look at the bright side, if I were to have been brilliant at the guitar, what would you have to impress me with?”
He chuckled, “That’s all that impresses you?”
“Well, I could think of a few others things,” she teased.
He grinned, moving closer to her, “Oh, a few other things…”
He nearly brushed his lips against hers before he suddenly heard the handle on his hotel door rattle. They both turned to look, puzzled. When the door swung open, both of them jumped up off the couch, Leslie holding the guitar by its neck. They stared in disbelief as Leighanne rolled her luggage in.
She stopped and stared at the both of them, before smiling, “Hi.”
Brian stepped forward, hesitant. He swallowed hard, looking back at Leslie, catching her eye for a split second before turning back to Leighanne, “Leigh, I didn’t know you were coming.”
“I thought I’d surprise you,” she replied.
He stepped forward, wrapping her in a hug. Leslie shuffled her feet, unsure of what to do. Her heart was racing in her chest, afraid that Leighanne would think something was off. She tried to avoid eye contact but locked eyes with Leighanne anyway. She was unsure of what she saw there, but she knew she didn’t like it. Brian pulled back to look at her, “It was a surprise. I’m happy you’re here.”
Brian reached over to pick up some of her bags, following Leighanne further in the room. Leighanne continued to speak, glancing at the guitar in Leslie’s hands, “Did I interrupt something?”
Leslie stumbled over her words, “No, we were just, um, Brian was just…”
“I was teaching her to play a few chords. She knows how to play the piano and I was just curious to see how well she’d do at the guitar,” Brian jumped in.
Leighanne looked between the two of them, and then to Leslie, sizing her up, “I see. And?”
“And?” Leslie asked, her nerves clearly getting the best of her.
“How’d you do?”
Leslie’s eyes widened in realization, and she secretly wanted to kick herself for acting so foolish, “Not so hot now that you mention it. But um, I guess I’ll leave you guys to it. Ya’ll haven’t seen each other in so long.”
Leighanne nodded, watching as Leslie softly put Brian’s guitar down and moved towards the door. Brian glanced at her, smiling lightly, Leslie returning the same smile, “Bye Leigh. Bye Bri.”
“See ya later Leslie,” Brian said nonchalantly.
When Leslie closed the door behind her, Leighanne perked up, immediately going to Brian and throwing her arms around him. He was taken aback at first, not expecting this gigantic display. He hugged her all the same, kissing her cheek.
“So the shoot’s over?” he asked.
She pulled back and planted a kiss on his lips, smiling, “Yep, and it went fantastic. They start editing in a few days time.”
Brian watched as she moved away from him, flipping one of her suitcases on its side and unzipping it. He replied, leaning back on the couch, crossing his arms, “Well I can’t wait to see it. You probably did wonderful.”
She smiled back at him as she rummaged through her clothes, “Thanks baby. But what have you been up to?”
“Just shows, interviews, photo shoots, fan signings, you know, the usual stuff.”
“Sounds exhausting,” she laughed, finally finding her make-up bag and whipping it out.
Brian agreed, “It is, but it’s fun.”
“Yeah, I’ve been hearing how much fun you’ve been having,” she said, glancing at him.
He wondered what she meant by that, but disregarded it anyway, “Just like always.”
She stood up and walked over to him, sticking her bottom lip out, “Did you miss me?”
He eyed her carefully, noticing her odd behavior, unsure of what to say or do. So he did what he would normally do. He smiled and kissed her lightly, “Of course I did.”
She slid her hands around his stomach and hugged him, her chin resting on his shoulder as he held her. She glared at the guitar sitting on the couch, wondering what secret conversations it has heard and what sinful acts it had seen.
Brian’s heart had sunk in his chest when Leighanne had entered the room. It was unexpected, for sure, but he hated how his time with Leslie had been ruined. He had forgotten that there was life still going on outside of their own world and he had been violently torn away from his beloved escape. But he would have to deal. This probably was for the best anyway. Having Leighanne back could make him focus and maybe get over his obsession with Leslie, because let’s face it, he had been alone. At least whenever Leslie and he parted, she had Nick to go home to, and he had no one, but now Leighanne was back and she could become his buffer. He could only hope that good things would come of it, but he knew that even in these first few minutes with her that it would be hard. All he felt as of then was dread.
