Falling so hard, so fast this time
What did I say, what did you do?
How did I fall in love with you?
~How Did I Fall In Love With You? by Backstreet Boys
Brian stood before his large hotel room window that looked over Buenos Aires. It was dark and the sparkling lights of the city greeted him happily. He stood there, his right hand resting against the cool pane of glass, his other hand lying idly against his side. His face was scrunched up in stress and worry, his features telling anyone that looked that he was deep in thought.
The days seemed to be melting away, his life moving forward at a speed that he had no control over. It had been over a week and a half since that night with Leslie in the hall, her tears ever still fresh in his mind. He had seen her alone only once since then. They had specifically gotten together to talk when Leighanne had used the day for shopping. They had planned to discuss where they would go from here, but with them, talking never lasted long. With Leslie so near, Brian couldn’t control himself. He found himself kissing her in no time, and she in turn could not bring herself to push him back. They knew they should stop, knowing that they had already been caught and it was only a matter of time when someone else found out, but they couldn’t help it all the same.
Brian closed his eyes and recalled her soft skin against his, her sweet voice that filled his ears. He had held her in his arms afterwards, cherishing that rare moment when they didn’t have to leave each other immediately. He remembered how right she felt in his arms, lying there next to him, her steady breathing accompanying his. He remembered her words. She had turned her head up to lock her eyes with his and had asked softly, “Do you want to be with me?”
He had searched her face, not expecting her to ask that particular question. He had slowly nodded, but had left it at that. She also did not push the subject, feeling that her question and his answer were sufficient enough to get the point across. They knew that it was finally time to move forward.
Brian heard Leighanne rustling behind him and he turned, swallowing hard. He had been building up the courage the past couple of days to finally end it with her. He had come to realize that he and Leighanne were a shadow of their former selves, their relationship no longer containing the passion and love it once had. He was unhappy, and with Leslie’s single question, he had made the decision to finally do something about his life. He knew that she wanted to be with him as much as he wanted to be with her, so what was the point of continuing living a lie?
He wanted Leslie, more than anything, but to be with her, he would have to leave Leighanne. He knew his parents and hers would be disappointed and ashamed, but he had ceased to care. He had come to see that as long as Leslie was with him, he would be okay. He would be happy.
He watched as Leighanne brushed her long wet locks and found himself hesitating. He didn’t want to hurt her, but it was unfair to keep leading her on like he was. In his eyes they were over, and there was nothing she could say or do that could change his mind. He cared for her, but he didn’t love her, not the way she wanted him to anyway.
“Leigh, I need to talk to you,” he finally stated. Her hand faltered as it made a downward stroke through her hair. His tone struck her significantly, telling her that he was both serious and nervous. She knew what he wanted to talk about the instant the last word escaped his lips. She knew it because she had been waiting for it to happen. He was finally going to leave her.
She licked her lips and took a deep breath before turning to him, knowing that now was the time to execute her plan. She put on a smile, “I need to talk to you too.”
He was puzzled, not expecting this to happen. He had perfectly planned what he would say and had pictured an ideal reaction from her. They were already off track from what he had envisioned.
“About what?” he asked. She set down her brush and tightened the robe around her before walking over to where he stood. She grabbed his hand and smiled, “I think you should sit down for this.”
He only stared at her, wondering where this was going. He allowed her to lead him to the couch, both of them sitting at once. Leighanne reached over and grabbed Brian’s hands, squeezing tightly, “You want to go first?”
He wished to get this over with so he could run to Leslie to tell her his news, but curiosity was getting the best of him. He shook his head, “You can.”
She sighed happily, “Well, I know you’ve been stressed. You’ve been working nearly everyday and getting barely any rest and I see that.”
He didn’t respond as she paused. She had wanted to get some sort of reaction. When she saw that she wasn’t getting any, she continued slowly, knowing that he would be angry, “And so, for the past couple of weeks, I’ve taken the liberty of planning the rest of our wedding, not wanting you to worry about it.”
His brow immediately furrowed and he stumbled over his words, “Wait, wha-“
She quickly interrupted, “I didn’t want you to stress over it. I know you had wanted to take a break from planning and we did. I just thought it was time to get on with it and to get it out of the way. I only have a few more things to do, but we’re set.”
He shook his head, speechless. This is definitely not what he had seen happening. She saw the shocked look on his face and leaned forward, planting a kiss on his mouth, “I knew you’d be happy.”
This statement tore him from his shock, “Leigh, wait. Why would you do this? You didn’t even talk to me about it.”
She eyed him carefully, her heart pounding in her chest. She debated inwardly if this was the right thing to do. For a split second, her rational took over, asking her if she really wanted to be with a man that didn’t want her back. She quickly shook the thought away, telling herself that he would fall for her again in time. She refused to give him up.
She bit her lip before saying slowly, “Because something’s happened. Something wonderful.”
“What in God’s name could have happened for you to go on doing something without consulting me?” he asked, anger beginning to fill him as his surprise began to dissipate. Of all the things she could have told him, this was one of the most unexpected, or so he thought.
“I did it because I knew you’d want the wedding to go on after you found out,” she stated.
“Found out what?” he asked forcefully. She paused, deliberately causing tension to fill between them. She relished the few moments when he waited, his anger rising more and more as he saw her calm and happy features. She smiled lightly and squeezed his hand gently, before continuing softly, “I’m pregnant.”
It felt like a ten ton boulder had slammed into his stomach. He felt like he couldn’t breathe, his chest immediately tightening, his stomach clenching. He felt the color wash from his face and his skin go cold. He felt like vomiting. He gaped at her, in complete and utter astonishment, “What?”
“I’m pregnant,” she repeated.
He blinked, shaking his head slowly at first, but then faster, his disbelief apparent. This couldn’t be happening to him. Not now, not when he was about to get back control of his life. Not when he was about to break up with her to be with the woman he truly loved.
“How?” he asked, tearing his hands away from hers and standing up, his fingers tugging at his hair. She laughed lightly, “What do you mean how?”
She stood up, sliding her hands around his hips, pulling herself close to him, “We’re having a baby Brian. I know this was unexpected, but it’s great isn’t it? We’ve always wanted children.”
“Yeah, but a few years from now,” he croaked, trying with all his might not to push her away.
“What a better time than now?” she asked quietly. His world crumbled around him as she spoke, the room going blurry, her voice slow and distant. He felt trapped and had the urge to lash out violently to get away. He stumbled back instead, reaching out his hand, grasping for something to steady himself. His fingers found wood and he blindly turned away from Leighanne, his eyes welling with tears. He closed his eyes, trying to focus on his breathing but only being able to think of Leslie. His sweet, beautiful Leslie.
He felt Leighanne’s hands gently slide up his back and she whispered, “Talk to me.”
He desperately tried to blink his tears away, not wanting her to see them. He was devastated by her words, his plans blown away in only an instant. Leslie was no longer at an arm’s length, waiting for him to swoop in and take her for his own. She was now over a mile away and he would never be able to get to her, ever. She would never be his and this simple fact broke his heart. The pain and sadness swept over him with an unrelenting force and he found himself clutching at his heart, desperately trying to block it out. At that moment, he realized that his life was officially over.
He turned to Leighanne slowly, clinging to the last shred of calm and reason within him, focusing all his energy on not running away, on not rushing to Leslie. He saw the worry in Leighanne’s eyes and he looked away, “How did this happen?”
He heard her laugh again, “What do you mean, how did it happen?”
He looked back up to her, steadying his words, “I mean how did it happen. You’re on birth control, we’ve been using protection.”
She felt her defensive walls spring up, not wanting him to accuse her of lying, or of doubting her words. She crossed her arms over her chest, narrowing her eyes, “How the hell should I know? It’s not like we planned this. I’m as surprised as you are, if not more.”
Brian gulped, stepping past her to sit back down on the couch. He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees, putting his head in his hands. He felt her sit next to him and he looked over to her, “I’m sorry, I just wasn’t expecting this.”
Her face relaxed and she took his hand in hers, “You want this baby don’t you?”
He hesitated with his answer. He wanted a baby, yes, but with Leighanne? In the past, he had wanted her to be the mother of his children, and he knew she would be a good one at that, but things had changed. How could he have a child with someone he no longer loved? He didn’t visualize his future with a broken home and loveless marriage. He wanted his kids to have parents that adored each other, just like he had, but his dreams had vanished, and at such a cruel time.
He knew that he had to take responsibility. He had always been taught to do the right thing, and though he had strayed from his upbringing these past few months, he knew he couldn’t ignore this particular situation. He had to be a man and step up to the plate. His life no longer mattered at that point, because the one life that did matter was his unborn child. He refused to have his baby be born into a world that was far more complicated than he or she could ever grasp.
He finally slowly nodded, looking over at her sadly, coming to his ultimate decision. He squeezed her hand and forced a small smile, “Of course I want it sweetheart.”
She beamed at him, relief sweeping over her. She felt satisfaction settle within her, happy that she had known Brian well enough that he would do what she had been hoping, “Good. And you’re not angry about the wedding?”
He shook his head, kissing her hand gently, “Of course not. You did a good thing.”
She leaned in and kissed him before saying, “I love you.”
He looked at her sadly, telling her his own lie, “I love you too.”
Leslie sat on the edge of the bed, watching as Nick ran his hands through his hair, trying to perfect his do. She rested her hands in her crossed legs, feeling her nerves get the best of her. She had been fighting within herself the entire day, trying to build up the courage to talk to Nick. She had plenty of chances to sit him down, but she had chickened out each time. She now sat there staring at her handsome boyfriend, her hands clammy, trying to talk herself into just getting it over with.
Nick locked eyes with Leslie in the mirror and smirked, turning to her, “Do I have something in my teeth?”
She smiled meekly at him, “No.”
He walked over, bending down to her eye level, speaking the three words he found himself not being able to contain, “I love you.”
He then leaned in a kissed her before reaching for his shoes that sat quietly beside her. Leslie watched as he slid them on, opening her mouth to finally speak, but suddenly being interrupted by another question, “You sure you don’t want to come?”
Leslie shook her head gently, “I’m sure. Not feeling so good tonight.”
He looked at her concerned, “You want me to stay?”
He reached out his hand to touch her forehead, his face relaxing when he decided that she didn’t have a fever. She smiled at him, “I’m fine. I just need some sleep. Go, have fun.”
“You sure?” he asked. She nodded and he grinned, leaning in to kiss her again, “Alright, but call me if you need me. I won’t be gone long. AJ just wants to check out some of the clubs.”
“Don’t drink too much okay?”
He smiled and leaned in to kiss her again, and then again, and again. She laughed, pushing him off, “Go already.”
“If you insist babe,” he said, grabbing his wallet and his room key. Leslie watched as he checked to see if he got everything. She felt strength rise inside of her as he turned to leave, knowing that it was now or never to speak out, to at least open up an avenue for the much needed discussion, “Nick?”
He turned to her, about to make his way to the door, “Yeah baby?”
She hesitated, before saying softly, “I have something I need to talk to you about later.”
He furrowed his eyebrows, “What is it?”
“Don’t worry about it, go have fun,” she insisted. She couldn’t bring herself to ruin his night, seeing how happy he was. The fact was, she cared for him deeply, but she didn’t love him the way he needed to be loved. She didn’t love him the way he loved her, and she found it unfair to continually lie to him day after day.
He nodded and smiled one more time. He stood there for a moment, just staring at her, happiness etched over his face. He suddenly ran at her to plant one more kiss on her lips, “I’m sorry, you just look too damn cute in my t-shirt. I’d take you right here and now if I could, but I’ll just have to wait until I get back.”
He winked and she laughed lightly, “Nick, for God’s sake, go!”
He laughed and obeyed, kissing her forehead before rushing through the hotel door, leaving her alone.
An Hour Later
Leslie had taken a long bath, trying to calm her nerves and to psych herself up for what she needed to do. Brian kept crossing her mind and she would find herself smiling, excitement erupting within her at the very thought of finally being his.
She was now sitting on one of the chairs by the hotel window, her legs curled under her, a book in her hands. Her eyes quickly read each line, the words melding into her. She felt the stress she had mounting within her begin to melt away, her mind getting lost in a world that was not her own.
She had heard a light rapping on the door and she looked up, torn out of her imaginary world. She closed the book and set it off to the side before getting up and making her way across the room. The knock sounded again but stopped when she opened the door. Brian stood there before her and her heart nearly jumped through her chest. She grinned, stepping back to allow him to come in. She closed the door behind him and quickly wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him into a hug, “I haven’t seen you all day love.”
He gently squeezed her, allowing the scent of her hair to fill his senses. He closed his eyes, wishing for his sadness to melt away, wanting to enter the world he always experienced when he was alone with her. Unfortunately, his pain wouldn’t allow him. Leighanne’s voice filled his head then and he forced himself to tear away from his mounting submission into Leslie. He forced himself to stay strong and not allow her to pull him in.
He pulled away from their embrace, and pushed her gently away from him, keeping her at arm’s length. She looked at him in puzzlement, “What’s wrong?”
He turned away from her and walked further into the room. She watched him carefully as he walked away, his silence and the look on his face beginning to unsteady her. She stood planted, unsure of what to do. She repeated, “What’s wrong Brian?”
She heard him sigh before he turned to look at her, sadness etched over his face. He said quietly, not wanting to drag this on anymore than he possibly could, “This was a mistake.”
“What was a mistake?” she asked.
He gulped, finding it hard to force out one word, “Us.”
The happiness that had swept over her quickly diminished and an underlying fear, nervousness, and sadness took its place, “What?”
“We can’t be together Leslie. It’s not meant to happen.”
She stepped forward then, confusion enveloping her, “But the other night, when I asked you if you-“
“I didn’t lie,” he assured her. She stopped in her tracks, the sadness emanating from him shocking her. He repeated, “I didn’t lie.”
He stepped towards her, his strength wavering at the sight of her, “I want to be with you, more than anything, but we can’t. It can’t be done.”
She reached for his hand and gently touched his fingers with hers. She saw his eyes close, but he pulled his hand away, “I’m sorry.”
“What’s happened Brian? I don’t understand,” she pleaded. He ignored her words, moving on with what he needed to get out, “Have you told Nick yet?”
She felt desperate. She felt so out of control at that moment, emotionally feeling Brian pulling away from her. She breathed out, tears beginning to form, “What?”
“Have you told Nick?” he repeated. She slowly shook her head, “Not yet.”
“Good,” he sighed. She flinched, feeling like she had been slapped across the face. He saw the hurt he had caused and he averted his gaze, pain clenching his insides. He hated this.
“And Leighanne?” she asked, tears beginning to fall from her eyes.
“No,” he said. “I didn’t tell her.”
“But why?” her voice was shaking. He tried to keep from looking at her, but he couldn’t help it. He felt his own tears coming on, his vision blurring and his eyes stinging. He could hear her crying, could hear her struggling to get a hold of herself. When she spoke again, it was clear she had lost all control, the realness of his words crashing down on her, “Why?”
The pain in her voice pushed him over the edge, knowing that he was the cause of it. He was the cause of all of it. Tears seeped from his eyes and he turned to her, unable to stop from yelling, “Because I couldn’t!”
Her cheeks were wet and her right hand clutched at her stomach, her breathing unsteady. She found herself yelling back through her tears, “Why not!?”
He groaned, cursing ‘Fuck’ as he pressed the palms of his hands to his eyes, trying his hardest to stop his tears. He couldn’t though because Leslie’s devastation was his as well. He felt her hand grab at his arm and his walls burst. Her soft touch had caused all strength to leave.
He turned and grabbed her arms, pulling her towards him, immediately pressing his lips against hers. He kissed her hard, knowing that this would probably be the last time he ever felt her soft, sweet lips against his. He tasted her salty tears, felt her cry against him, and she pressed her hands against his chest, trying to push him off. She turned her head, crying, “Brian, stop!”
He pulled back, his hands still gripping her arms. Her eyes were overflowing, “Stop.”
He looked down, shame overcoming him, his hands loosening their grip before falling free. He felt her hand touch his cheek to force him to look at her again, “Why won’t you tell me what’s happened?”
His hands trembled, and he found them reaching up to touch her face, “Because I screwed up.”
She searched his face, frustration apparent, “How?”
“It’s my fault that we can’t do this and I’m sorry. I am,” he cried, stroking her cheek. He was not able to bring himself to tell her that Leighanne was pregnant with his child. He couldn’t cause her more pain than he was already causing. In a way, he had betrayed her, and he couldn’t let the words flow out, couldn’t see the devastation and finality in her. He felt like he was sparing her, at least for the time being. He continued, “But that’s it. This is it. We’re done.”
He pulled back from her, stepping away, the warmth of her body disappearing as a gap filled between them. The seriousness and pain in his voice cemented the truth in Leslie. She felt her heart break, “Done?”
He nodded, “Done.”
She stood there, rigid, the pain flowing through her more excruciating than anything she had ever felt before. She felt like running away from everything. She felt like hiding and never coming back out.
She felt like dying.
He saw and felt her heart break right before him and he felt sick to his stomach. He had to get out, to get away from her.
He stepped forward, brushing past her as he made his way to the door. Leslie turned, her sobs filling the room, “Brian, wait.”
He stopped as his fingers touched the door handle. He closed his eyes, her voice filling his ears. He slightly turned his head to look at her. She stared at him desperately, “Please don’t do this. I need you.”
He thought about how much he needed her too, but quickly shook the thought away, his hand turning the handle, the door opening slightly. He quietly said, “Our story stops here sweetheart.”
He tore his eyes from her then and stepped into the hall, closing the door quickly behind him. The click of the latch gave such a sense of finality to their relationship and he had to stop to catch his breath. Brian clenched his eyes shut, hearing Leslie through the door, her cries heavy and full of suffering. Leslie had collapsed, the agony that was throbbing within her finally bursting. She sobbed uncontrollably and she struggled to gulp in air. Her heart was shattered and all because she was in love.
Brian leaned his forehead against the door, wanting so much to go back in and sweep her into his arms, to kiss her, and to tell her that he was only joking. To finally tell her he loved her. Instead, he pushed himself away from the door and stumbled a little before catching his stride, walking away from the only true love he’d ever known.
