I should still continue to be;
and if all else remained, and he were annihilated,
the universe would turn to a mighty stranger:
I should not seem a part of it.
~Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte
Everyone raised their glasses as Kevin stood to make a toast on how successful and blessed the past year had been to all of them. He wished everyone a happy Christmas Eve, and everyone in turn wished it back as they all took a sip of their champagne.
Before heading out to dinner, upon Leslie’s parents request, they had all stopped by Leslie’s house to meet her family. Leslie’s parents knew that each individual meant a lot to their daughter and they couldn’t wait until they met them. They had originally just invited everyone over for the next day for Christmas dinner, but thinking this insufficient, they had planned a little cocktail get together so they could all get to know each other. They chatted for a couple hours before Leslie’s parents had to get to their church sanctioned Christmas dinner, where they helped serve homeless men and women a hearty holiday meal. They did this every year. Amy normally went with, but she opted to go with Leslie, not wanting to miss out on what she experienced on a day to day basis. Besides, she was bringing Michael along, and she wanted Leslie to get to know him better.
They had been at the restaurant for over an hour now. They had reserved a private room in the back, as they usually did, for privacy. Their food had just been brought, and after Kevin’s toast and a small prayer, they all dug in.
“This is a beautiful city,” Rachel, AJ’s girlfriend, commented to Leslie. Leslie smiled over at her as she swallowed the mashed potatoes in her mouth, “Thank you. I think so too.”
“Little too quiet though,” Rachel said, scrunching up her nose.
“I like the quiet!” Leslie laughed.
“And you know I don’t,” Rachel joked. Leslie leaned in and planted a kiss on her friend’s cheek, “I’m so happy you guys joined Nick and I.”
“What else were we going to do? It was either this or sitting at home in Cali,” she shrugged, cutting into her grilled chicken. AJ overheard their conversation and butted in, “What’s wrong with sitting on our butts at home?”
“It’s boring!”
“I would love a little boredom right about now,” AJ said. Both Leslie and Rachel looked over at him evilly and he laughed, “I’m kidding. This is great, seriously.”
“I know where you sleep,” Rachel warned.
“What a coincidence! I know where you sleep too!” AJ teased. Rachel grabbed her fork and raised it threateningly towards AJ, unable to help her laughter, “I’ll kill you, I swear.”
AJ chuckled, raising his hands in defeat, “Not unless I get to you first.”
Leslie watched in amusement, feeling Nick nudge her from the right. She turned to him and he motioned with his eyes towards AJ and Rachel’s playful bickering, “Please promise me you’ll never threaten my life. I don’t think I could take it.”
“I’ll kill you,” Leslie stated seriously. Nick let out a laugh and planted a kiss on her cheek. She giggled as he said, “So much for that.”
He kept his left arm draped over the back of her chair, a position she noticed he always adopted whenever they ate out together. She didn’t think he knew he was doing it. It seemed like an unconscious, comfort zone thing. He did it instinctively out of protection and love. She liked it.
“What the hell is this?” Leigh, Howie’s girlfriend, looked disgusted at something brown on her fork. Howie stuffed a piece of steak in his mouth before he turned to her, eyeing the stabbed specimen carefully. He pointed at it with his own fork, mumbling with food in his mouth, “It’s a shiitake mushroom babe.”
“A what?”
“Shiitake mushroom.”
“Shiitake?” she asked, looking at him oddly. Leslie snorted in laughter, being able to hear their conversation through the loud chatter of everyone else. Leigh flashed a smile at Leslie before shaking the mushroom off on Howie’s plate. He looked at her in surprise, obviously displeased with this action, “What are you doing?”
Leigh continued to pick through her pasta, shoveling out bits of the mushroom and dumping them onto Howie’s plate, “I don’t want to eat anything that has the word shit in its name.”
“But I don’t want it!” he exclaimed, brushing the mushrooms off his steak with a look of discontent etched over his face.
“Well, I don’t either,” she said.
Amy spoke up, noticing their antics as well, “I got a bowl full too, Howie. Want some?”
Leslie leaned forward to look past Nick to see Amy tipping her own bowl of pasta for Howie to see. Leslie chuckled and Howie glanced at her, “Hardy har har. We’re just full of thoughtfulness tonight aren’t we girls?”
Nick reached over and grabbed Amy’s bowl and fork, standing up to lean over the table. Howie fell back in his chair, watching in disbelief as Nick shoveled mushrooms out of the pasta bowl and onto Howie’s plate, “Dude, stop! What are you doing?”
“Amy doesn’t want ‘em,” Nick said nonchalantly. Leigh, Amy, and Leslie were bursting into a fit of giggles.
“Well, I don’t either!” Howie exclaimed, trying to push Nick’s arm away.
“What’s going on?” Kevin asked, being torn out of his conversation with Amy’s fiancée, Michael.
“Howie fucking loves these mushrooms. He can’t get enough of them,” Nick announced, looking down into the bowl to make sure he got it all before sitting back down in his chair. He handed the bowl back to Amy with a grin and she laughed, thanking him kindly.
“Seriously? I got some I don't want,” Kevin offered.
“I don’t want any!” Howie screeched, as Kevin passed his plate to Kristin, who began shoveling Kevin’s mushrooms from his side of vegetables. Howie groaned, watching in horror as his steak was barely visible underneath the mountain of grossness. He stopped trying to push people off.
Everyone was roaring with laughter, the rest of the table finally noticing what was going on at the other end. Leigh leaned in and kissed Howie’s cheek, “I’m sorry babe. Don’t pout!”
“I’m not pouting,” he grumbled. “I hate mushrooms.”
“Don’t be such a baby,” Nick joked. Howie pointed a finger at him, “I swear to God, I don't care if it's Christmas, I will kick your ass.”
“Keviiiiin,” Nick whined. “Howard’s being mean!”
Howie tried to keep a straight face but found himself letting out a laugh at Nick’s stupidity, “I think Kevin was smart when he decided to take a break from us. You could drive anyone insane Nick.”
“Why, thank you. I pride myself on my crazy making abilities,” he grinned. Leslie rolled her eyes and Brian chucked a roll at Nick’s head. Nick cackled, throwing it back. Brian caught it before it could hit him and he stared at Nick proudly, “Thought you could get me ba-“
Brian was interrupted by another roll colliding with his face. He jerked his head back, surprised by the unexpected projectile. He looked across the table and found Leslie looking at him innocently.
“Was that you?” he asked. She shrugged, and he laughed, “It was you! Nick, you’re rubbing off a little too much on Leslie.”
“She’s my minion in training. She’s got such potential,” he bragged, pinching Leslie’s cheek teasingly. She batted his hand away and laughed lightly, “Back it up Carter.”
Brian smiled to himself, happy to see Leslie enjoying herself. He was afraid that his visit that morning would affect her for the rest of the day. He was happy to see that she wasn’t angry with him, though he had felt that she was at first. He knew it was unfair of him to show up like he did, but he just had to.
When they had arrived at Leslie's parents home, he had noticed her right away. She radiated a light that was hard to miss. He was drawn towards her. She wore a beautiful blood red knee length dress and it flowed about her as if she were a princess. She wore matching red heels and her hair was in curls, messily clipped upon her head, but looking flawless and natural. Her eyes sparkled in the dim light of the restaurant, her smile exuberating a calmness he hadn’t seen in her in quite some time. But the one thing he noticed more than anything were her earrings.
She had turned her head to speak to her sister’s fiancée, Michael, and the light had hit the diamonds in a way that caught his attention immediately. A small smile crossed his face and his heart skipped a beat, both shocked and pleased that she was wearing his gift. He had expected her to hide them away and pretend that he had never given them to her, but here she was, gorgeous and glowing, wearing the earrings he had bought out of the love he had for her. He wondered why she chose to put them on, and also wondered if she knew how much it meant to him.
She glanced at him and they both smiled lightly at each other, but they kept their distance, silently choosing to not touch or really address each other unless absolutely necessary.
Leighanne had tried her best to ignore Leslie throughout the night. She had barely looked at her and when she did it was to glare or to roll her eyes at something that was said. She was unbearable in Leighanne's eyes and she hated having to be there in the first place. However, seeing this recent small, random, playful act caused anger to flare up.
Leighanne glanced to Brian beside her and saw him smiling to himself as he stared across the table towards Leslie. Leighanne thought Leslie’s immature throwing of food was annoying, so seeing Brian getting enjoyment out of it only frustrated her more. She found herself staring hard at Leslie, glaring angrily.
Suddenly, Leighanne’s heart sank in her chest. When she had glanced at Leslie to see why Brian felt the need to be smiling, Leslie had shaken her head, laughter escaping her lips at something else Nick said. As she did this, Leighanne noticed the sparkling coming from her ears. She focused in, watching her earrings dangle and swing as she talked animatedly. The familiarity of those earrings struck Leighanne all too deep and it was only a matter of seconds before realization dawned on her. Those earrings were the ones she had found in Brian’s coat pocket. Those were her earrings.
Weren’t they?
She quickly looked to Brian in shock, wanting to say something, but knowing she couldn’t. He didn’t know she had seen them. She felt tears spring to her eyes and anger erupted within her. How could she be so stupid as to think that they were for her? She might have been faintly bothered if she hadn't received them for Christmas, and would have resigned to the fact that maybe he bought them for his mother or close friend. It never crossed her mind that he had bought them for Leslie, but it was clear that he had, and it infuriated her. It infuriated her and upset her deeply at the same time.
Did this mean that he was still sleeping with her? But how? She made sure to be near him at all times, giving him barely any breathing room. He couldn’t still be seeing her behind her back because she would know. And she had only found the earrings yesterday, but Leslie had been wearing them when they had shown up, so how did he get them to her? When had he seen her?
She felt herself losing control and she closed her eyes tight, trying to focus on her breathing so she wouldn’t cause a scene. She couldn’t let Brian know that she had seen the earrings, couldn’t let him know that she knew about him and Leslie. It would ruin her plans of a peaceful reconciliation between them.
“You okay?” Brian asked suddenly. Leighanne’s eyes snapped open, the diamond earrings sparkling across the table at her menacingly. Those were her earrings!
She wanted to scream.
She forced herself to tear her eyes away from the woman that had stormed into her life unwelcomed. She turned her head to look into Brian’s deep blue eyes and she feigned happiness. She smiled lightly, “I’m fine.”
“You sure? Baby making you nauseous?” he asked quietly. She shook her head, “No, not at all. I’m okay.”
He smiled, “Alright.”
Brian went to turn back to the conversation at hand, but Leighanne shot her hand out to grab his, “Brian.”
“What?” he asked. She swallowed hard, still desperately trying to get a hold of herself. She licked her lips, “I want to do it.”
He looked at her in confusion for a moment, but when Leighanne made no move to clarify her words, he suddenly understood what she meant. He leaned in and whispered, panic rising, “What...now?”
She nodded, “Yes, now. I want to tell them now.”
“But I thought we were going to do it tomorrow?” he asked. She could tell that he was frantic. His eyes were suddenly filled with worry and dread. She knew he didn’t want to tell because that would mean Leslie would finally know. This only encouraged her more, her anger towards Leslie nearly exploding.
“Now, right now,” she insisted. He looked at her sadly, “You sure?”
“Positive. And I want to say it,” she added. He stared at here for a moment longer, hoping upon hope that she would change her mind. He wasn’t ready for this yet. At least when she had told him they would tell everyone on Christmas Day, he thought he could prepare himself the entire night before. To psych himself up for seeing Leslie’s heart being broken once again.
The determination in Leighanne’s eyes told him he had no chance of her changing her mind. He wondered what had sparked this sudden need to announce their news, but he couldn’t exactly tell her no, because why should he? He should be yelling to the world that he was going to be a father. He should be rejoicing, but here he was trying to prevent that. Here he was still clinging on to denial.
He finally nodded, giving in, his heart sinking horribly in his chest, “Okay.”
Leighanne cleared her throat and picked up her wine glass and a butter knife before pushing her chair back and standing. She tapped the knife against the glass, trying to get everyone’s attention. Conversations slowly began to die down and Brian felt sick to his stomach. He felt the color drain from his face as everyone turned to look at Leighanne. Brian wanted to melt into the chair and hide from this moment, but he found himself rigid, his hands clammy. He felt exposed. He found himself staring, terrified and full of sadness at Leslie. He watched as her eyes turned to Leighanne, focusing in on what was going on. She didn’t even stop to regard him in anyway.
“Sorry for interrupting everybody,” Leighanne apologized, but smiled warmly. She set down her glass and knife and reached out her hand to rest on Brian’s shoulder. Brian stiffened. He yearned to reach up and bat her hand away, to loosen the tie around his neck, to fan his overheating, nervous body.
“Brian and I have something we’ve been meaning to tell all of you for quite sometime. We were going to announce it tomorrow, but we just couldn’t help ourselves. We’re just so excited,” Leighanne grinned, letting out a laugh. Leslie shifted her gaze to Brian for a second and found him staring at her intently. She looked away quickly, turning back to Leighanne.
“I told Brian not to tell anybody because we wanted it to be a surprise. And let me tell you, it’s definitely a surprise to us. I informed him about a week ago and he just couldn’t believe it,” she continued. Leslie furrowed her eyebrow at these words, she and Brian’s break up flashing before her eyes. Brian had come to her just a week prior to end it and he had avoided telling her why. She looked back to Brian, her face questioning. Brian could see her thought process and knew that she was thinking of the night the week before when he had told her that they were done. He knew she was wondering if she was finally going to find out why.
Leighanne sighed happily, rubbing Brian’s back lovingly. Everyone was silent, looking between her and Brian in anticipation. None of them knew what this was about. They couldn’t exactly be announcing their engagement because they had already done that nearly a year before.
“No use it prolonging it any longer,” Leighanne said. She put on a grin, her giddiness popping through, “We’re pregnant.”
Brian flinched slightly at Leighanne’s words. Yelling and laughter erupted throughout the room immediately, people springing up from the chairs in astonishment. Everyone was in such a state of uproar that they hadn’t noticed Leslie's unmoving frame.
Leslie was planted in her chair, rigid, transfixed. She sat with her hands resting in her lap, her eyes unblinking, her mouth slightly open. She stared down at her food, not really focusing in on it, but looking through it. She was in such a state of shock that she couldn’t even hear the exclamations and laughter around her. She had forgotten where she was and who she was with.
She felt like she had just been thrown back from her chair. The wind was knocked out of her. She felt numb, her muscles complete mush. The moment Leighanne’s last word escaped her lips, Leslie heard the world break open with a deafening ‘CRACK’. She could actually hear her life shattering painfully. Her mind was in a haze, the voices around her mumbled and far away. Her chest constricted and her heart screamed out in agony. It seemed an eternity before she blinked, the burning from her eyes telling her that she was still here, she was still breathing, she was still alive.
She moved slightly then, brought on when she blinked once more. She let out long, heavy breath, as if she were holding it in, and this unleashed a torrent of pain to crash down on her, as if she were holding it all back with just that one single breath. She hunched down slightly, her eyes burning fiercely, the room becoming blurry. She blinked again, the voices in the room becoming more clear to her, more loud. She looked up then, her eyes adjusting to the mass of moving bodies. She blinked again, her eyes slowly darting over the happy crowd as they surrounded Brian and Leighanne, until finally her eyes met with his.
Brian had told himself that when he and Leighanne were to tell everyone their news, he would refuse to look at Leslie. He had made a pact within himself that no matter what were to happen, he would not look at her. But when Leighanne began to talk, he didn’t once turn away. He couldn’t bring himself to. He saw Leslie go from intrigued and happy, to confused and sullen, to absolute and complete devastation.
Her reaction was immediate. She had nearly gone catatonic, sitting there with her face frozen in complete shock. She sat there, staring down at her plate, and he could see her tears brimming.
Kevin had jumped from his chair first, rushing over and yanking Brian up to hug him. Brian absentmindedly smiled, accepting words of congratulations, hearty claps on the back, huge bear hugs from AJ, Howie, and Nick, a sincere handshake from Michael, hugs and kisses from the rest of the girls. He could barely focus on any of it, his attention returning to Leslie time and time again. He asked himself how no one could see her sitting there, how no one could see how destroyed she was, because to him, it was all he could see.
She had glanced up to him after what seemed an eternity, her eyes watery. She looked at him in disbelief, her pain piercing his heart. She shook her head lightly, as if she were trying to convince herself that it wasn’t true. She was completely heart broken. All hope that she had of her and Brian ever being together was blown to pieces, but the fact that he couldn’t even tell her himself only worsened an already cruel situation.
Brian looked at her sadly, trying to communicate to her that he was sorry, that he wanted to tell her but he couldn’t. He felt her devastation as if it were his own and he had to force himself back from rushing to her, to hug her, to tell her how much he wanted to be with her, to tell her he loved her madly, and that he was sorry. Sorry for kissing her that Sunday afternoon at the piano, sorry for the hundreds of times he had made love to her, sorry for persisting on with their relationship when she wanted to stop, sorry for ruining her relationship with Nick, sorry for not leaving Leighanne sooner, for hurting her time and time again, for putting her in this horrible situation to finally just leave her completely alone to deal with it by herself.
“Leslie,” Amy stated tentatively. She had immediately turned to look to Leslie after Leighanne had made her announcement. She knew that Leslie was in more pain than anyone could comprehend at that moment. She had never seen her sister react to anything like she did then. She felt scared with how Leslie took the news, her desire to get to her surpassing anything else. She had congratulated Brian and Leighanne quickly, her focus mainly on getting to her sister, to talk to her.
“I’m gonna be an Uncle!” Nick yelled happily, throwing his arms in the air. Brian barely heard him, watching as Amy approached Leslie. He saw her bend down to Leslie’s level, talking to her quietly, her hand touching her shoulder tenderly. Leslie looked away from him and quickly glanced to her sister, blinking several times as if torn out of a trance.
Brian could not hear what Amy was saying over the loud roar of the room, but Leslie had pushed back her chair and stumbled past Amy to get to the door. Brian found himself moving forward then, an intense urge to follow Leslie overcoming him. When he stepped forward, Leighanne stopped him, throwing her arms around him happily. He stared over her shoulder, watching as Amy rushed after Leslie, the door slamming behind the two figures.
Leighanne had made sure to look to Leslie after she had said she was pregnant. A deep satisfaction crept within her when she saw how crushed Leslie seemed. She knew Leslie would be upset, but she didn’t know it would affect her to that degree. She had barely moved for what seemed like hours before getting up and rushing out of the room. She was completely happy with this outcome, except for when she looked to Brian and saw him staring at her just as devastated as Leslie was. She felt her heart sink in her chest, wondering if she had underestimated the true feelings in his and Leslie’s relationship.
Leslie rushed towards the bathroom, weaving in and out of tables, dodging waiters and food trays. She was only vaguely aware that her sister was trying to follow her, her name being called continually.
She felt like all the weight of the world had been shoved down on top of her and no matter how far she ran, it would never loosen its grip on her soul. She was slowly being pounded into the ground with no chance of escaping.
She burst through the Ladies’ room door, an old woman at the sink jumping, startled. Leslie ignored her and made a beeline for the handicap stall, swinging the door behind her, clicking it shut quickly. She stood there, her breathing erratic, her chest heaving, the room spinning. She raised her hands to her temples, closing her eyes as she pressed her palms against them. She shuffled her feet, turning every which way, trying to catch her breath, trying to calm down. Her heart was screaming and she felt her legs start to give way.
And then they came. It was like a levy had been broken, her tears erupting from her with such violence that she doubled over, her left hand shooting out to steady herself against the wall, her other hand holding her tightened stomach. Her body shook, her cries echoing in the bathroom. She struggled painfully to stop, but she only found herself weakening, her body leaning more and more against the wall as she sobbed.
She could barely see the stall, could barely see the lights shining down on her, could barely hear the music softly playing through the speakers, and of Amy calling out to her from behind the door.
She suddenly found herself sliding down the wall, her body colliding with the floor, her mind not caring how dirty it must be, that her dress would be ruined. She brought her legs up to her chest and she hugged them as tightly as her shaking body would let her. She buried her head in her knees, letting her tortured soul release everything she had built up.
“Les,” Amy pleaded, trying desperately to get into the stall. Amy had seen the old woman by the sink, staring dumbfounded at her. She had angrily snapped, “Do you mind? This is private!”
The lady blinked, picking her purse up off the sink and rushing towards the door. All the while, Leslie’s cries and sobs filled the bathroom. Amy desperately wanted to get on the other side of the stall, her terror of Leslie’s reaction unsettling her. She felt the urge to cry herself, knowing that Leslie’s devastation was something she had never seen before. She hated that her sister was in so much pain and she was scared that she wasn’t going to be able to come out of it.
“Sweetie, let me in,” Amy said desperately. Amy stepped back, trying to figure out what to do. She couldn’t leave her in here and she couldn’t risk anybody coming in to view this horrible, heart wrenching display. She rushed towards the bathroom door and latched it shut before going back to the handicap stall.
“I’m coming in,” Amy announced. She looked down at the floor and dreaded having to resort to what she was about to do, but Leslie wasn’t in any state to let her in, so Amy found herself carefully lying on her back, the cold tile of the bathroom jarring her senses harshly. She shimmied under the stall until her upper half was fully in, where she then reached up and pressed her hands against the door, pushing herself the rest of the way. When she was in, she immediately got to her knees, crawling over to Leslie’s balled up figure.
She wasted no time in wrapping her arms around her little sister, pulling her close, her head resting upon hers. Leslie allowed for this to happen, the comfort of her sister being there making her feel less alone. She leaned into Amy, releasing her arms from around her knees and instead wrapping them around Amy’s waist. She clung to her, crying into her dress.
Amy ran her fingers through Leslie’s hair consolingly, feeling Leslie’s body shake against hers, her warm tears seeping through the fabric of her dress. She didn’t care though, because her entire thought process was on being there for her sister, no matter the cost.
“This is so unfair!” Leslie suddenly cried. Amy responded, “I know it is.”
“And I’m so stupid!”
“You’re not stupid.”
“I am! I’m a complete moron!” Leslie cried, pulling back from their hug. Her face was streaked in tears and she hiccupped sadly, trying to catch her breath. “I thought that we were going to be together! I thought he cared!”
“He does care,” Amy soothed. Leslie shook her head, “He doesn’t! He’s known this for over a week and he didn’t tell me. He broke up with me because of it and he didn’t tell me!”
“He probably didn’t want to hurt you,” Amy reasoned. Leslie shot her a look, “Whose side are you on here?”
Amy narrowed her eyes, “What a horrible question to ask.”
Leslie stared at her sister for a moment, before her lip trembled and fresh tears came pouring from her eyes. She groaned, raising her hands to try and wipe the tears away, “I’m sorry Amy.”
“Don’t apologize,” Amy interjected. She reached out her hand to run her fingers through Leslie’s now disheveled hair, the curls falling from their designated places on top of her head. She sighed, “What are you thinking right now?”
“Loads of things. I can’t even form a coherent thought. My brain feels all jumbled and cloudy. It hurts,” she sniffled. Amy leaned over to unroll some toilet paper before bunching it up and handing it to her sister. Leslie took it and immediately brought it to her nose. She cried sadly, touching her chest briefly, “It hurts so much Amy.”
“I know it does sweetie,” Amy said quietly, leaning in to kiss her forehead. “But it’ll pass.”
“How can it?” she sniffled.
“You may not think it can, but it will. I promise you,” Amy insisted. “This will only make you stronger.”
“I don’t want to be strong. I just want to curl up into a ball and die,” Leslie said dramatically. Amy sighed, “No, you don’t. You don’t want to do any such thing. You’re my baby sister. You’ve been the strong one of the family since the day you were born and this time is going to be no different. You’re going to bounce back from this and be a better person for it. I’ll bet you’ll look back on this one day and laugh.”
Leslie felt another wave of sadness sweep over her, Amy's words barely affecting her. She let out a few more sobs, before incoherently crying, "I'm empty!"
"You're not empty," Amy said patiently. Leslie's tears were making her nearly incomprehensible, "I am Amy. I'm empty. I feel like there's nothing here anymore," Leslie raised her hand to touch her chest, "I feel like my heart's been torn out. I feel like I'm nothing, like I'm just a shell. I'm empty. I'm so fucking empty!"
Amy's heart melted for her sister, and she reached out to help wipe Leslie's tears away. She grabbed her hand, squeezing it tightly, "You're not empty darling. How could you be feeling so much right now if you were?"
Leslie didn’t respond but just sat there, staring down at the folds of her dress. She sniffled and occasionally reached up to wipe away her tears. Amy just watched, waiting until Leslie was ready to talk again. She was finally slowly calming down. Tears were still seeping from her eyes, but her breathing was beginning to steady. Leslie glanced at her sister, stumbling over her words a couple times before she found enough control to get them out, “I actually heard my world break in there. Like it was an actual sound in my head.”
Amy looked at her sadly, listening as she spoke. Leslie continued, “Out of all the things in the world, I never expected that. I thought that… oh, I don’t know what I thought. I don’t know what I expected, but Leighanne pregnant? I didn’t see that. I’ve been so blind Amy.”
“That’s no fault of yours,” Amy consoled.
“Isn’t it though?” Leslie sniffled. “I knew from the beginning that we shouldn’t do anything. I even stopped us from it a dozen times, but it got so hard, and we both gave in, and then it just progressed, and I knew we should stop, but we couldn’t. I felt so indestructible with him, thinking that things would work themselves out. I kept forgetting that I wasn’t the only woman he cared about. I was so stupid.”
Amy grabbed Leslie’s hand again, “This isn’t your fault Leslie.”
Leslie shook her head, staring down at the floor, “Why couldn’t he just tell me?”
Amy frowned, speaking tentatively, “You didn’t see it, but he was just as devastated as you were. The concern he had for you was so painfully evident that it would be shocking to me if no one else noticed it. He couldn’t keep his eyes off you honey. He was scared and upset, and he was trying so hard to keep things together.”
Leslie looked up at her sister and Amy tightened her hold on Leslie’s hand, “He’s not happy.”
Leslie didn’t respond, so Amy reiterated her point before, “He didn’t want to hurt you.”
“But I am hurt!”
“I know sweetheart, but so is he.”
“Good,” Leslie stated firmly.
“You don’t mean that,” Amy said. Leslie softened, sighing frustrated, bringing more toilet paper up to dry her eyes, “No, I don’t.”
“It’s obvious this wasn’t planned.”
“So what if it wasn’t though Amy? Not like it can be changed now. Leighanne’s going to have a baby. Brian’s baby. Don’t you see? There's no chance for us to ever be together now.”
Amy eyed her carefully, her words striking a chord within her that she didn’t expect, “You still want to be with him?”
Leslie looked away and Amy persisted, “Do you? I thought you decided you wanted to be with Nick?”
“I did,” Leslie said quietly.
“But you would leave him if there was a chance with Brian?”
Leslie hesitated before nodding her head sadly. Amy sighed, “Oh Leslie.”
Leslie looked back up to her sister, her voice cracking, “I love him Amy.”
Amy was stunned to hear these words. She leaned in, “You do?”
Leslie nodded, wiping her cheeks again, “Yes.”
“And you don’t love Nick,” Amy stated. Leslie shook her head in agreement and Amy sat back in astonishment. This situation was more complicated than she had originally thought. Amy sighed, knowing she had to attempt to get things moving, not knowing what to say or do otherwise, “This is totally shitty. It is. It's complete and utter crap that this has happened to you. You have such a good heart and it's not fair that you have to go through this, but you have to look at the bright side sweetheart.”
Amy reached over and pushed a few tendrils away from Leslie’s face, “Now you know for sure why Brian ended it right? And now you know that there’s no hope.”
Leslie rolled her eyes, scoffing, “Thanks a lot Ames…”
“I know that sounds harsh, but think about it. It’ll be easier to move on now, yeah? And you have the love of a good man. Nick’s perfect for you Leslie, you know that as much as I do. He’ll be there to love and care for you. He can support you in all the ways you need supporting. You may not love him, but I know you can grow to. You have so much love to give and to keep giving it to Brian would be unfair to everyone involved. It would be unfair to you.”
“But I can’t not love him,” Leslie objected.
“No, you can’t, but you can learn to hide it away to make room for new love.”
“But I don’t want to,” Leslie knew she was being difficult, but the unfairness of this entire situation was crashing down upon her and she wanted to lash out. She was angry that this was happening to her. She was angry because she had no say in what was happening. She had no choice. It was her life. She should be able to decide who she should be with, and she wanted to be with Brian. She wanted him so incredibly bad that it hurt. She softly whispered, new tears springing to her eyes, “I want Brian, Amy. I love him.”
Amy’s heart broke at her little sister’s words, the intensity and resounding truth in them striking Amy painfully. She felt terrible for Leslie and she knew no matter what she said here today was going to console her, so she pulled Leslie in to hold her once again, realizing that all she really needed at that moment was someone to listen to her tears and her heartache and just let her know that everything was going to be okay.
After nearly 5 minutes of silence, Amy quietly asked, “Want to go home?”
Leslie nodded against her, and Amy continued, “Alright then. Meet me out front okay? I’ll think of something to tell everyone alright?”
Leslie nodded again, sniffling. Amy got up and offered her hand for her sister to take. Amy pulled her up and helped adjust her dress, making sure she looked presentable.
“How do I look?” Leslie asked with a small smile. Amy let out a light laugh, reaching out her hand to wipe some of her tears away, “Like a truck just ran you over.”
“That good huh?”
“That good,” Amy repeated. Leslie followed Amy out of the stall and immediately glanced at herself in the mirror. Amy wasn’t lying. It looked like she had just walked through a mine field.
Leslie reached up and started pulling the pins out of her hair, watching as her blonde locks fell over her shoulders. She ran her hands through it once before joining Amy by the door, who waited patiently.
“Out front okay?” Amy reiterated. Leslie nodded and watched as Amy unlocked the door, pulling it open. A hoard of angry women stood outside, glaring at the two girls walking out of the restroom. The women all rushed past, trying to get into the restroom as fast as they could. Leslie flinched as they pushed past her angrily.
Meanwhile, as Leslie made her way towards the front of the restaurant and as Amy made her way back to the dinner, the private room had settled down some, though conversations and laughter were still just as loud. Everyone was sitting back down, eating dessert and drinking champagne, beer, and wine. Brian hadn’t said anything to anyone for the past few minutes, his eyes continually darting towards the door. It had been awfully long since Leslie and Amy had gotten up and left, and he was beginning to worry. He knew Leslie was upset, but he was now wondering if it was more than that.
Leighanne’s hand was grasping his firmly, but he made no attempt to really hold it back, his hand lying limp within hers. She didn't seem to mind much, talking animatedly with Kristen about baby names and what sex it might be.
Brian felt nauseous and antsy, feeling the room close in around him. He felt utterly alone and he felt the urge to flee. Just when he thought he was going to scream, he saw Amy at the door, closing it softly behind her. No one really noticed her, so immersed in their happiness that they didn’t really stop to see that Leslie was still missing.
Brian perked up, watching as Amy made her way to Nick, who was deep in conversation with Michael. Amy had glanced at Brian briefly and he was frustrated that he couldn’t see any definitive answer in her eyes. He watched earnestly as Amy bent down and touched Nick’s shoulder, getting his attention. He turned his head to look at her and his smile faded when Amy began to talk to him. He moved to get up from his chair, but Amy shook her head, pressing firmly on his shoulder to tell him to stay. He looked displeased and worried, but he submitted to her request all the same.
Amy turned to Michael and leaned in, kissing him on the cheek. He looked after her concerned as she made her way back to the door. Brian fought the urge to stand up and follow after her. He looked back to Nick, seeing him sitting there unsettled, his eyebrow furrowed.
Brian glanced to Leighanne and found her still immersed in her conversation with Kristin, so he leaned forward to get Nick’s attention.
“Hey,” he said quickly. Nick looked over to him, questioning. Brian watched as the door closed and he turned back to Nick, “Where she going? Where’s Leslie?”
“She’s taking Leslie home. I guess she’s not feeling well,” Nick said.
Brian’s heart sank, “Did she say what was wrong?”
He shook his head, “Nah. Wanted to go with, but she said Leslie didn’t want my night to be ruined. Amy will take care of her.”
As Nick spoke, he seemed to make himself feel better, his face relaxing. He reached for his beer and took a few gulps before jumping in on a conversation AJ was having with Kevin. Brian leaned back in his chair, staring down at his plate.
He felt so incredibly lost at that moment. He was worried about Leslie. Worried that she was angry with him, but even more so worried about how hurt she must be. He felt terrible, and he pushed all blame on himself. It was his fault, all of it. It was his fault that he didn’t end it with Leighanne. It was his fault he continued to sleep with her to make her think that they were fine. It was his fault for pushing Leslie into this. He should have left her alone. Why couldn’t he just leave her alone?
Of course, he knew why. He loved her, and he had always been the type of person to be passionate about everything he loved. Leslie was no different. He couldn’t give her up because then he would just be living yet another lie. He couldn’t leave her alone for his own selfish reasons, wanting her to be close to him always. He felt like he could breathe better when she was around, but not only that, he just felt good. Everything about him improved when she drew near and he found himself trying not to blink, worrying that he’d miss something important. He felt incredibly alive with her. How could he give something like that up?
And yet, he felt the universe closing in on him and he began to doubt his actions. He had given her promises he could not keep. He had lead her onto a path that she had initially resisted, but he had persisted, finally winning her over, and now he had broken her heart. He found himself wondering how he could go on living with this guilt, knowing that he had hurt her so deeply.
He also began to question the path he had taken. If he could go back, would he change it? If he could go back to the first day he met her and had made her hate him, made her not want to be with him, would he do it? Would he risk not knowing the love she had inside and risk not knowing her true beauty? Risk not knowing what happiness really felt like? He knew there was no debating the answers to these questions because if he really could go back, he would change everything in an instant. He would change it if it meant her not getting hurt, because that’s what it all amounted too. He was supposed to protect her, but it was actually he that wielded the weapon that destroyed her heart. It was him. Entirely, indubitably him.
His eyes began to burn and he blinked them furiously away. He didn’t want to be here anymore, he didn’t want to be anywhere. He wanted everything to disappear, for him to disappear, for everything to no longer exist, because then he could escape this pain that gnawed into him, because then he could forget how deeply he loved and cherished Leslie, and just go on being.
God dammit, he cursed to himself. Why couldn’t he have just left her alone?
