Is just to love,
And be loved in return.
~Moulin Rouge
Amy froze when she entered her and Leslie’s bedroom, watching as Leslie threw her already scattered clothes around the room. Leslie rushed about frantically, looking every which way for something obviously very specific. Amy knew what it was in an instant.
Leslie was still in her dress, which meant that when she had come upstairs 15 minutes before claiming to get ready for bed, she had commenced scouring the room for the gift she had gotten for Brian. It was only until Amy said goodnight to her parents that she joined Leslie. She thought Leslie would be in bed by now.
“What are you looking for?” Amy asked curiously, though she already knew. Leslie stomped her foot, her breathing heavier than normal, her eyes on the verge of wildness. At the sound of Amy’s voice, Leslie seemed to freeze, her head darting in her direction, “Where is it?”
Amy looked at her puzzled, “Where is what?”
Leslie pointed her finger at Amy, “You had it last. It was right here on the bed. What did you do with it?”
Amy closed the door behind her, not wanting anyone else in the house to hear this. Amy sighed, wondering why Leslie was freaking out like she was.
“Amy, where is it?” she asked desperately.
“I gave it to him,” she announced flatly. Leslie’s complexion paled instantly, her face dropping into a look of complete shock, “What?”
Amy stepped forward, feeling the urge to quickly explain, “I only did it because it was the right thing to do. You wouldn’t have brought it along if you didn’t want him to have it right? You would have regretted not giving it to him.”
“You gave it to him?” she asked quietly, acting as if she didn’t hear a word she just said.
“I gave it to him,” Amy repeated. Leslie suddenly burst, her words finally sinking their teeth into her, “Amy! What the fuck were you thinking!?”
Amy flinched, stepping back at her sister’s sudden angry outburst. Leslie stepped forward, waving her arms wildly, “Do you have any idea what you’ve done!?”
Amy blinked, not once expecting this sort of reaction, “What do you mean? It’s a journal.”
“It’s not just a journal!” Leslie yelled. Leslie cursed loudly, putting her hand to her forehead, pacing furiously, trying to comprehend what had happened. How could Amy do this?
“You said it was a journal. Why are you freaking out over this? It’s nothing,” Amy said defensively. Leslie’s eyes flashed, “It’s everything! God Amy, it wasn’t just a journal!”
“Then what was it?”
“I tore out pages of my diary for him! Entries from the day I met him until the day before we broke up.”
Amy’s heart jolted in her chest, “What?”
Leslie held back the urge to scream, but instead cursed again, turning away from Amy. Amy swallowed hard, feeling sick to her stomach, “Leslie, I didn’t know.”
Leslie spun around, “Why would you do that!? What makes you think you could play around with people’s lives like that!? If I wanted him to have it, I would have given it to him!”
Leslie suddenly looked sick, her hand clutching at her stomach. She lowered her voice, “Oh God, he’s probably reading them right now.”
Amy stepped forward, guilt instantly overcoming her, “Leslie, I’m so sorry. I wouldn’t have…” She shook her head desperately, looking at her sister sadly, “I would have never given it to him if I had known.”
Leslie’s pale face only grew paler and she slowly sat down on the bed, looking across the room blankly. Amy tentatively sat next to her, “I’m so sorry.”
Leslie didn’t answer for what seemed like hours, only sitting there in silence, obviously trying to get a hold on herself. She felt incredibly embarrassed and exposed. She wondered what Brian was thinking and what his reaction was.
She opened her mouth to speak, though weakly, “I don’t know why I brought it.”
Amy took her hand gently, and Leslie continued, glancing over at her sister, shaking her head lightly, “I don’t know why. I think a part of me still wanted him to have it. I think I still thought that we had a chance.”
“I’m sorry,” Amy repeated yet again. Leslie shook her head once more, her anger seemingly gone. She had fully accepted what had come to pass, “It’s not your fault. It’s mine for even having it in the first place.”
“But I shouldn’t have given it to him,” Amy said sympathetically. Leslie smiled lightly, squeezing her older sister’s hand, “You thought it was just a journal, I probably would have done the same thing if you were in my place.”
These words relieved Amy somewhat, but she still felt incredibly bad, “If it means anything, Brian didn’t want me to give it to him.”
“He didn't?”
“He said that if you wanted him to have it, you would have given it to him,” she said. “I had to convince him that I knew you wanted him to have it.”
“Did he open it here?” Leslie asked hopefully, wanting more and more to know what his reaction had been. Amy shook her head sadly, “No. I gave it to him when everyone was leaving.”
Leslie turned her head away, disappointment evident.
Amy spoke up, “He’ll understand. If anything, he’ll just feel more horrible about everything won’t he?”
Amy had intended to make Leslie feel better, but instead it only saddened Leslie further, “I don’t want him to hurt anymore.”
Amy’s face fell as she listened to her sister speak, “I don’t want him to be unhappy.” Leslie turned back to her sister, “I can’t go tomorrow.”
Amy furrowed her brow, “Why not?”
“I’m too embarrassed. I can’t bear being there with him knowing that he’s read everything that I’ve ever written about him. I bared my soul in those entries Amy. I made such a terrible mistake.”
“No, you didn’t darling. At the time you had the best of intentions, and it was the perfect present under the circumstances. It’s probably the most thoughtful gift he’s ever received,” Amy tried consoling.
Amy’s words barely affected Leslie. She announced firmly, “I can’t face him, not yet.”
Amy disagreed with her sister’s decision, but she also understood it at the same time. She thought she should face him, to finally talk things out and hopefully move on, but she could see why Leslie needed some time away from him. She has probably never felt this exposed or vulnerable before in her entire life.
Amy nodded, bringing Leslie’s hand up to her mouth to kiss it quickly, “It’ll be okay.”
“You think?” Leslie asked worriedly. Amy smiled, “I don’t think, I know.”
Leslie sighed and said sadly, “I should go tell Nick. He's not going to be happy."
“Just tell him you aren’t feeling well,” Amy suggested, knowing that Leslie definitely wasn’t feeling her best. Leslie got up and nodded, “Alright.”
Amy watched as Leslie made her way across the room, physically being able to see her try and compose herself. Amy frowned, “I really am sorry.”
“I know you are,” Leslie said, smiling back at her lightly. “But it’s probably for the best. Who knows what could come from this right?”
That Night
Brian sat next to the burning fire in the cobbled stoned fireplace. He leaned back against the wall of their rented cabin, feeling the heat coming from his right warming his body. He could see snow flakes drifting outside through the paned glass windows. He was grateful to finally be inside, his limbs finally thawed from their long day of skiing. The fire crackled behind him, the light dancing across the paper he held in his hands. He tried shielding it from anyone that would look his way, but at the same time was so engrossed in re-reading the words that he had somewhat ceased to care.
That morning, he had been disappointed to see that Leslie had opted out of coming. Nick didn’t look all too pleased, saying that she wasn’t feeling well, and that she wanted to stay home with her family for a couple days. He said he wanted to stay, but she insisted that he come.
Brian knew the real reason she had for not coming, and he credited it to himself. He knew she had found out that he had received her gift. He could only imagine the amount of embarrassment and vulnerability she must be feeling. As much as he wanted to see her, to talk to her, he understood her need to be alone. He would have the same reaction if he had written about her how she had written about him.
Brian had read over her entries more than a dozen times, letting the words drift up into him to lie peacefully in the shadows of his brain. Every word held a power to them, a new meaning, and he eagerly ate them up. In a way, it was as if she were there with him. In a way, reading line after line of her thoughts and feelings, she was really his and only his.
She spoke of the first day that they met at the dance studio where she rehearsed for Britney Spears’ tour. She described what she felt when she first laid her eyes on him, mentioning that his smile was beautiful beyond words, and that he had affected her in a way that she did not expect.
She wrote of the dreams she had of him, and her worries and concerns about why she couldn’t get him out of her head.
She wrote of the first dinner he, Leighanne, she, and Nick had together. She expressed her guilt in wanting to be in Leighanne’s position to know what it felt like to have his affection. She spoke of her feelings for Nick and how they had progressed into something more than she had expected, but also about the fact that his presence seemed to inhibit her time with Nick.
She wrote of his eyes and how they seemed to pierce her heart purposefully, of his voice and how it sent chills down her spine. She wrote of their dance routine and how every time he touched her, she felt herself go weak. She wrote of her guilt in wanting him, fantasizing about what his lips would feel like against hers, and what it would be like to make love to him.
She wrote of their growing friendship and of her conflicting feelings, of Nick’s love for her, and her uncertainty for him in return. She had on numerous pages spoke of his singing, claiming that it was the sweetest and most pure sound that she had ever heard, that every word that flowed out of his mouth held the same amount of passion and sincerity that it always had. She consistently expressed her admiration for his character and his heart, for his courage and love that he had for everyone in his life.
She spoke of the day he had walked in on her playing the piano and how she had felt her entire world spin about her as he kissed her. She wrote of how he felt against her, of how perfect he seemed to fit within her, of how he seemed to know all the things she loved without any prior knowledge.
She talked of her guilt for deceiving Nick, but her overwhelming happiness for Brian’s affection all at the same time. She had entry after entry of their secret rendezvous’ throughout the tour. She tried justifying her actions, but she also questioned herself continuously. She wondered if what she was doing was worth it or if she was throwing what she already had out the window. She doubted that what they had was real, even though her feelings had developed strongly for him. She didn’t know what his intentions were or how he truly felt, his love for Leighanne obviously holding him back from them going any further.
She spoke several times of wanting to leave Nick, knowing that it wasn’t fair of her to do this behind his back, not when he cared for her as much as he did. She also spoke of her fears of ending up alone, of taking a chance on something she had no real surety of. Her fears are what kept holding her back from ending it with Nick, thinking that within time she would grow to love him just as much as he loved her, and that Brian was just a fling.
Her last couple entries mentioned her anger towards Brian for showing Leighanne the affection that she had finally captured from him. She felt betrayed and foolish, realizing her blindness and insignificance in this huge mess they called an affair.
It wasn’t until the very last entry that Brian really got caught up in her words. He had perked up immediately at her discussion of the night they had slept together once again, but how this time she had gone out on a limb and had asked if he wanted to be with her. He had and as a result, she was going to finally end it with Nick, knowing that Brian was going to finally end it with Leighanne. She wrote of how hard it was going to be for them to go public with their relationship, how it was going to be rough with the fans reactions, with the rest of the guys’ reactions, but especially Nick’s. She thought of quitting the tour and coming back to Colorado, debating if her and Brian should wait until the tour was completely done before announcing themselves as a couple. She went back and forth through many ideas, not knowing what would be the best route, worrying about what would happen.
This all affected Brian greatly, seeing that she was willing to risk her career, her friends, her reputation, and her life for him. She understood the gravity of the situation and what it would mean to Brian and his career. She knew that it would affect him personally and professionally more so than her, and she expressed her desire to listen to what he wanted and how he wanted to go about everything. She feared for the consequences, but then spoke of how she knew it would be okay in the end because she would finally have him. She felt safe with him, and knowing that he would be there for her, for her to be his, comforted her greatly.
But what stuck out the most in all of this were the last few lines she wrote. He sat there by the fire, re-reading the same lines over and over again, his heart soaring in his chest at those few words.
I know that it’ll be hard, but I know even more that everything will be alright, because I’ve come to see that I love him dearly. I’m so madly and hopelessly in love with him that it wouldn’t make sense for everything to not turn out okay.
I could say it a million more times and it could never grow old:
I love him, I love him, I love him.
I love him madly.
And for this, I finally feel like I know myself. I finally feel complete. I finally have meaning. I finally have love.
I finally have him.
Brian sighed, his eyes wandering back to her professions of love.
I love him dearly… I love him madly...
If she only knew that he felt the same way. If he could, he would run to her to tell her that he loved her dearly, that he loved her, he loved her, he loved her, that he loved her madly.
“Yo Bri.”
Brian sat up straight at the sudden voice that seemed to boom through the room. He was instantly torn from his thoughts. He quickly folded the paper, trying to hide it within his hands, as he looked fearfully up. Nick stared down at him, smiling slyly, “You okay?”
Brian cleared his throat, hearing his heart pounding in his ears, “Yeah, I’m fine, you just startled me.”
Nick took a seat next to him and Brian used the opportunity of Nick looking away as a means to slip the paper in his pocket. Nick rested his head against the wall, glancing over at his friend, “What are you doing over here anyway? You should come play dominos with all of us.”
“I just needed some alone time, that’s all,” Brian explained. Nick looked concerned, “You feeling okay Bri? You seem kind of down lately.”
Brian warmed to Nick, looking over his friend’s worried face. He suddenly realized the lack of alone time they have had these past months. They hadn’t really hung out together, but that was credited to many circumstances. They were constantly busy, so when they weren’t, Nick tried to spend most of his time with Leslie, just as Brian did.
Brian felt pangs of guilt sting his conscience then. Through his obsession with Leslie, with his desire to constantly be around her, to feel what she made him feel, he had truly forgotten that Nick was indeed a part of this. Of course, he knew he was always a part of it, but it didn’t really sink in until now the deep emotional connection he had.
He had not only been cheating on Leighanne, he had been cheating Nick, his best friend. Brian felt his heart ache terribly in his chest, the culmination of everything that he had done, with Leslie, with their break up, with Nick, crashing down on him, “Just tired is all.”
“You’re nervous about the baby aren’t you?” Nick asked. Brian sighed, “Yeah, I guess you could say that.”
“That’s normal,” Nick said. “I can only imagine what I would feel like if Leslie came to me saying she was pregnant. I’d be happy, but I’d be nervous as hell. I’m not ready for that, and even if I was, there’s still all that sudden responsibility that you have. It’s gotta be overwhelming.”
Brian nodded, thankful for Nick’s understanding, “It is.”
Brian continued to look at his friend, feeling a huge urge to spill everything that he had done to him. He normally would tell Nick everything, because surprisingly, Nick was one of the best listeners that he had ever known. Nick liked talking to people and helping them out. It was in his nature, and it was part of the reason he and Nick had gotten so close.
But unfortunately, he couldn't. What was the worst out of all of this was the one thing in his life that he needed someone to listen to him for was the one thing that he couldn’t talk about because Nick was involved. Nick’s heart was involved.
Brian felt disgusted with himself for how selfish he had been. Why had he been so blind as to exclude Nick, to exclude the rest of the guys? Why had he risked everything? For love? It seemed like a good enough answer, but as he sat there next to his best friend, he began to wonder.
“We’ll always be friends won’t we?” Brian asked suddenly. Nick looked at him confused, not expecting such a random question, “Yeah, why wouldn’t we be?”
Brian shrugged, “Things happen you know? I just want you to know that you’re a great friend and you’ve always been there for me.”
Nick didn’t understand where this was coming from, but he could hear in Brian’s tone that he shouldn’t be questioning him at that moment, “You’re a great friend too, Rok. One of the best.”
“You’re like a brother to me,” Brian said sincerely.
“You’re a brother to me too,” Nick said, eyeing his friend carefully. He knew there was something else going on with Brian than he was willing to let off and he wondered why that was. He understood that he must be freaking out about Leighanne’s pregnancy, but he felt that it was more than that. It’s like there had been an underlying restlessness to him, even way before Leighanne had gotten pregnant.
“Where’s this coming from?” Nick’s curiosity got the best of him. Brian shrugged once more, “No where in particular. Just been thinking a lot lately.”
Nick nodded knowingly, immediately relating to his statement, for Nick had been thinking a lot lately as well, “Me too.”
Brian perked up at his words, jumping at the opportunity to get the attention off of him, “About what?”
Nick felt a sudden excitement rise within him, and his curiosity over Brian’s behavior quickly dissipated, “A lot of things actually. I actually came over here to talk to you about something.”
Brian was intrigued, but also excited to finally have something else to talk and think about. He felt like he was getting back to his roots with Nick. It had been far too long since they had ever really ‘talked’ about anything, “Talk away.”
Nick hesitated, trying to figure out how to say what he was about to say. He carefully formulated his words, “So you’re getting married.”
Brian nodded slowly, “Yes…”
“So you had to propose and all that,” Nick continued. Brian slowly repeated, wondering where this was going, not really expecting Nick’s need to talk to center around him and Leighanne, “Yes…”
Nick lowered his voice slightly, excitement clearly evident over his features, “How did you know it was the right time to do so?”
“Do what?”
“Propose.”
Brian didn’t respond at first, only watching Nick’s look of anticipation, his eyes big and happy. Brian had a sinking feeling in his stomach when he began to realize where this was going. Brian gave him the benefit of the doubt however, “I don’t know. Just knew I guess. Thought about my future and what I wanted. Thought about what I could see happening and if I would be happy.”
“So you saw that Leigh would be in your future?” he asked eagerly. Brian nodded, though he now knew he no longer wanted Leigh in his future, “I did.”
Nick sat back, seemingly content with his answer, before speaking up again, “Did you know she’d say yes?”
“Yeah, I guess I did,” Brian said. “But a part of me worried she’d say no, but that’s natural I guess. There’s always that fear of rejection.”
Nick nodded as if he knew exactly what he were talking about, “Why’d you wait so long to do it?”
“What do you mean?” Brian asked puzzled.
“You guys were together 3 years before you proposed. Why didn’t you do it sooner?” he asked.
“Because it wasn’t the right time yet,” Brian said simply. Nick’s face fell a little bit, and he asked, “So you think people should wait a couple years before getting married?”
“Well, I don’t know, it really depends on the couple now doesn’t it? Everyone is different. My grandparents only dated a few months before they got married, and they were together for nearly 60 years, and then I know some friends back in Kentucky that dated for 5 years before getting married, and after 1 year they got a divorce. There’s really no set time in a relationship where it’s right to get married. I’m just saying that for Leighanne and I, it took 3 years to get there. Before then, I just knew that I wasn’t ready.”
Nick seemed relieved at this, and his eagerness returned, “So you don’t think 7 months is too soon?”
Brian narrowed his eyes at him, finally wanting to know where this was going, “What’s this about Nick?”
Nick couldn’t help but smile and he found it hard to get out what he wanted to get out. Instead, he reached down into his pants pocket and pulled out something rather small. Brian couldn’t see what it was just yet, as it was hidden still in Nick’s hand. Brian stared down at it curiously, until hearing Nick speak up, “I want to ask Leslie to marry me.”
Brian’s body jerked suddenly at Nick’s unexpected statement. He felt like he were choking as he stared in disbelief at Nick’s grinning face. Brian watched as Nick opened his hand, revealing a small black box. He popped it open and a dazzling ring sparkled before his eyes. Brian gaped at it.
“What do you think?” Nick asked. Brian was speechless. Was this really happening? Was this real? Did he slam into a tree on the ski slopes and he was just in a coma, having the worst nightmare of his life?
Brian shook his head disbelieving, “Wow, Nick. I don’t know…”
Nick looked at him worriedly, “You think it’s too soon?”
Brian continued to shake his head, not really at Nick’s question, but at the craziness of this situation, “Are you sure this is what you want? It’s a big step.”
Nick clapped the box shut and set it down, “It is what I want. I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately. I’m happy with her. She’s different than all the other girls and I know that what we have is something I’ll never get again. I love her Rok.”
Brian looked at him sadly, the truth in his words unsettling him. He knew Nick was happier than he had ever been being with Leslie. She was good for him. He needed her and she had the capability to love him deeply.
Now knowing that he and Leslie could never be, what was the point in holding on to it anymore? It was unfair to him, to Leslie, to Nick, to Leighanne. Why not support his friend when he needed supporting? Even if it did hurt him terribly.
“You think she’ll say yes?” Brian asked quietly. Nick smiled, waiting a moment before nodding lightly, “Yeah, I think she will.”
Brian smiled lightly back at his friend, seeing how happy Nick was with his decision. Brian clapped his hand on Nick’s back and said, “Then do it. Life’s too short. If you know you want to spend the rest of your life with her, then you shouldn’t waste your time. She’s special. You don’t want to let that go.”
“So you think it’s the right thing to do?” he asked carefully.
“I think that for you to even consider marriage is a big thing. You used to cringe at the very idea.”
Nick laughed, “Yeah, I guess I did.”
“So it has to be the right thing if you believe so strongly in it. You love her, so go for it,” Brian said with a smile, even though his heart felt like exploding.
Nick grinned, “Thanks man.”
“Anytime,” Brian replied. Brian felt the urge to end the conversation, but his curiosity held him in, “When are you gonna do it?”
“Oh, I wasn’t sure. I was still debating if I was even gonna do it. I was thinking this trip, but since she didn’t come, that kind of ruined things. I want it to be perfect you know? I know how much it means to her to get married, so I want everything to be how she would want it. Maybe her birthday?”
Brian felt his skin go cold, “That’s in 2 weeks.”
Nick nodded, “Yeah, I know. I was thinking of throwing a party for her and then pull her off to the side and do it. I don’t know though.”
Brian tried not to show how upset he was, “That’s actually a great idea.”
“Yeah?” Nick asked hopefully. Brian nodded, “It is. It would be a nice birthday present. Girls eat that stuff up.”
“I guess they do,” Nick smiled. “Well hey, thanks. I feel better about this.”
“That’s what I'm here for,” Brian replied. Nick looked over to the kitchen where everyone was huddled around the table, still immersed in their game, “You wanna come play?”
Brian glanced to where Nick was looking and scrunched up his nose, “Nah, I think I’ll pass. I think I’m gonna pack it in early tonight.”
Nick clapped Brian’s back in a friendly, happy gesture and got to his feet, “Suit yourself. Snowboarding tomorrow right?”
“Right,” Brian smiled. Nick nodded triumphantly, “Excellent.”
Brian watched as Nick returned to the table to resume playing, and all the while he held back his urge to cry.
I love him dearly… I love him madly...
I love him, I love him, I love him.
Brian looked down into his lap, feeling the folded paper in his pocket. He loathed its presence then, wishing he had never laid eyes upon it. He wished that he had never met her. He wished he didn’t love her.
But God, how much he loved her.
But that didn’t matter anymore. They were done. They were not meant to be. He was meant to spend his days with Leighanne, and hers with Nick. That was how their destinies rolled out. Those were the paths that they were to take. It was finally time to move on.
It was time to finally let go.
And with this thought, he could hear her words echo into oblivion, until finally they disappeared completely.
I love him dearly…
I love him madly…
I love him…
I love him…
I love…
I love...
I...
Silence.
