Somebody needs you,
Somebody dreams about you every single night,
Somebody can’t breathe,
Without you it’s lonely,
Somebody hopes that someday you will see,
Somebody’s me…
~Somebody’s Me by Enrique Iglesias
“Fuck,” AJ breathed out. AJ and Howie chased after Nick without a second thought, and Kevin looked to his cousin. He shook his head, the disappointment and shame evident. It was like his disbelief was so overwhelming that anger had no room to settle in. Yet.
Brian averted his gaze, feeling all the eyes in the room slowly turn towards him; judging, loathing, accusing. Kevin lingered for a moment before following the same path that Nick, Howie, and AJ had just used, knowing that even though he was no longer part of the band, he still felt the need to jump back into his old role as a mediator, as a problem solver.
Brian felt the world closing in on him. His body was screaming at him in pain, but his soul was trembling even worse. He had just been exposed as an adulterer. He felt vulnerable and weak. He was broken. He had just lost his best friend. He had just lost his career. And Leslie? Had he lost her too? Leighanne didn’t even cross his mind.
He felt so utterly alone.
He raised his eyes slowly then, feeling the men that had helped him stand up step away from him. He saw Leslie standing there in all her terrible beauty. She was utter perfection, but her facial expression told an entirely different story.
“Leslie,” he croaked out. His heart was breaking all over again and so was hers. He needed her now more than ever. She was his sanity, she was his life, she was his everything. If he could only get to her, to talk to her, to be with her than this entire fiasco would just disappear.
People were looking between him and her, the same look of contempt and shock passing between the two sinful figures. Leslie, however, seemed oblivious to everyone except him. Was that disdain on her face? There was sadness there, but there was anger also. She shook her head at him and then turned away, pushing through the crowd. People barely budged as she tried to get past, unable to move quite yet from the scene that had just taken place.
Brian stood transfixed for a moment, attempting to take everything that had just happened in, but he realized he could not. He quickly stumbled forward, feeling his body scream out in protest. He cared not, however, and found that people stepped back as he approached. Unlike everyone else, he didn’t have to fight to get to the main door. It was like he was diseased. He was tainted, unwholesome, branded forever as a betrayer.
He stumbled across the room and into the hallway, seeing Leslie rushing down the hall, her dress billowing about her.
“Leslie, wait!” he yelled. He felt a sudden relief as he exited the ballroom, as if a very heavy weight was placed on top of him had been lifted. The unrelenting stares were more a burden than he had every imagined they would be.
Leslie’s stomach clenched when she heard Brian’s voice fill the large hallway. She turned a corner and stopped abruptly, seeing another long hallway spread out before her. A feeling of dread seeped into her being. She cursed the entire situation. She had forgotten that she had been led in with a blindfold and realized that she had no way of knowing where to go.
Her need to get away didn’t center on embarrassment or shame. It was the great feeling of loss that pushed her; loss of her image, of respect, of trust. These were all overwhelming her, but as the seconds clicked by, the loss of Nick was becoming more and more a reality. She had hurt him so terribly, and every pang of hurt that he experienced seared through her heart. She cared about him so dearly and her soul was tearing apart inside of her, with her undying and unrelenting love for Brian, the man of her dreams, and her feelings for a man, Nick, that was perfect to her in every way.
Even more so, the loss of her own hidden world was overwhelming her. She felt like she had been violated, that something she held private so close to her heart was torn violently away from her. She no longer had something she could hide for herself. She no longer had something she could escape into without everyone else being oblivious to it. If she only knew that Brian was feeling this same loss, this same disillusionment. Their dream world was just ripped open. They were bare, exposed, vulnerable, weak. If only they could find each other, connect completely, they could shrug off these burdens, but they were stripped too thin, they were too emotional to do it.
Leslie’s sudden stop had given Brian enough time to catch up with her and when he turned the corner, he was surprised to see her standing there looking more lost than ever.
She quickly turned toward him and his heart lurched at the sadness etched there.
“Please talk to me,” Brian begged. He had lost everything, but he couldn’t bear to lose her entirely as well. He knew that following her was not the best idea, but it was the only thing he could think of to do. It was the only thing he had been doing these past months. When something went wrong, his first thought and last thought was to get to Leslie. Leslie, his sweet, beautiful, loving Leslie.
“What do you want me to say?” she cried. The desperation in her voice shattered Brian. She was rattled, that much was for sure. Looking at her broken, angelic face, Brian saw himself reflecting back at him. He was unsteadied by this, for the first time seeing how similar they were to one another, for the first time seeing the same soul and the same heart. For the first time feeling the same horrible and yet bittersweet emotions. In the midst of this terrible situation, he felt his love for her blossoming even further.
He approached her and extended his hand tenderly, trying to touch her. She pulled back from him, her eyes flashing, “Why didn’t you tell me sooner!?”
He was confused to hear these words, finding it hard to find stable ground both physically and emotionally. He could see that she was angry, moreso at the situation than at him. He wished for her to push her feelings aside and just stand there with him, to look at him with the same love that he was radiating towards her to assure him that even though their world had just erupted, that things would be okay. Instead, he heard his hurt voice break out, “What do you mean?“
Leslie was quickly losing control. She had left the ballroom in a hurry, feeling hysteria creeping up steadily. Her whole body was shaking, but she barely noticed. She felt like she was on fire and she needed to break free. She could feel the eyes boring into her, but out of everyone, there was one set that pierced her so entirely that it scared her. She needed to get away from him. She needed to get away from everything.
She began to pace, her breathing becoming more and more erratic. She kept reaching up to wipe away her tears but to no avail, for they were quickly replaced. Brian watched her in silence, trying to ignore all the sensations that surged through him.
“You love me!” she suddenly yelled. It was more a statement of truth than a question.
Brian’s body softened. He nodded gently. His voice cracked, the very thought of his love for her choking him up, “Very much.”
She let out a shaky breath and Brian could see that she was relieved to hear these words, as if she had been waiting an eternity to hear them, as if her whole life had depended on them. She quickly averted her sad, soft eyes and let out a sob, “Then why couldn’t you have told me sooner?”
Brian furrowed his eyebrows, suddenly feeling guilt. Why hadn’t he told her sooner? He opened his mouth to speak but Leslie quickly continued, “If I had only known… if you had only told me, this could have all been avoided!”
Brian shook his head, feeling a slight panic rise within him. Could it have been avoided? Could him telling her he loved her have changed anything? Her tears were upsetting him, her tears were disheartening. He was gentle, “I don’t understand sweetheart.”
She let out a heavy sigh, and Brian was fighting against wrapping her up in his arms. Leslie sniffled and took a few moments before responding, “I would have left him the instant I knew. But you didn’t, and now look. Look at what’s happened!”
Brian’s confusion did not waver. His own hesitations and his own questions were answered in an instant. He understood what Leslie was feeling. He understood the loss and the disappointment and the violation. He sighed sadly, his need to touch her overwhelming him, “Leslie, honey, this would have happened anyway. We were already in too deep from the get go. No matter what we did, no matter what we said, it was going to end up like this.”
She shook her head, “I can’t believe that.”
“Why not?” Brian asked sadly.
“Because then it truly means that we never had a chance,” her voice trembled. There it was; the hidden underlying line that established everything that they had ever done from day one. Fate, destiny, choices, dreams, illusions.
She had stopped pacing and was just standing there, crying her heart out to him. He felt like crumbling to the floor at the brokenness in her voice, feeling the understanding wash over him cruelly.
She continued to speak, “I always knew that what we were doing was wrong. I always knew that I shouldn’t feel this way for you. I always knew, from the very beginning, but I’m a dreamer and an optimist, and as time went on, I came to realize through everything that I ever wanted in life, I wanted you most. You were my dream, so wholly, so completely…”
Brian’s features softened by the second and he wanted more than ever to wrap her in his arms. She was wringing her hands nervously as she spoke, letting her tears soak her face, letting them drip and carve their sadness into her.
“I thought that everything would be okay. I thought that as long as I had you that everything would turn out the way it should, but it hasn’t. Everything’s gone so terribly wrong, and I can’t believe that it was destined to turn out this way, because it means that my dream isn’t real. It means that you and I cannot be, that we were never supposed to be, and therefore never will be. It means that all of this was a cruel interlude that only leads to an ending of heartbreak and loneliness. For you to say that no matter what we did, and no matter what we said, this would have happened anyway means that we never had a chance. Never. Don’t you see that? How can I believe that this love that I have for you isn’t supposed to be real? How can I believe that you and I aren’t supposed to be happy? How can I believe something so awful?”
“Leslie…” Brian began softly.
Leslie shook her head and continued on, “I’ve been so naïve to think that my love for you would fix everything. I’ve been so blinded by you, and by what we’ve had, and now everything’s ruined. Nick proposed and I couldn’t keep it in any longer. I couldn’t...”
Her voice cracked and Brian stepped towards her, reaching out his hands to softly touch her arms. She hung her head and raised her hands to wipe away tears. Brian lowered his voice, trying to soothe her, “I love you so much darlin’.”
Her head rose and her blue eyes met his. He felt bold with her skin on his fingertips, her scent encompassing him, her breathing matching his own. He leaned in and kissed her forehead, immediately replacing his lips with his own forehead. They both closed their eyes, letting their presence calm one another.
“This isn’t over, not yet. We still have a chance,” Brian finally spoke.
Leslie pulled away from him then, staring into his loving face with disbelief. She stepped back and Brian's hands falling away from her. She shook her head, the tears she had been crying still falling silently from her, “But we don’t.”
Brian stepped forward once more, trying to get her to come to him. He knew that their time alone together was quickly coming to an end. It was only a matter of time before someone found them, and he was debating at who he dreaded more; one of the guys, Amy, Leighanne, Nick?
“You can’t give up on this yet,” Brian said softly. He heard the own pleading in his voice.
“I haven’t,” Leslie replied. “But this has all been decided for us. We have no choice Brian, we never did. That’s the whole point. All of this,” she motioned between the two of them, “Was all an illusion.”
“How can my love for you be an illusion?” Brian asked desperately. For a moment when she had come to his arms, he had felt that everything would turn out alright. He felt a subtle peace settle within him, but once she had stepped away, that fragile state quickly disappeared. The memory of that peace was quickly vanishing from his memory and now desperation and loneliness was creeping in unsteadily.
“It’s not,” she cried. “God, Brian, I love you, too. So much. I love you so madly, so completely. I love you more than anything than I ever have before, and because of this, I know it’s not an illusion. You and me, what we have, it’s real. It’s the realest thing that I have in my life. I trust it completely, and I’m not giving up, but that’s not the point. This is hopeless. Our situation is too complicated, too fragile, to work.”
Brian stood there, listening to her words. The night he had ended things with her came rushing back to him. He remembered how he felt, he remembered how he had hurt her, and it echoed through the bare hallway they both stood in now. Her words and her behavior were eerily like his own that one horrible night and he suddenly felt nauseous.
“But we can work through this. We can do this. We need to,” Brian didn’t care how hopeless he sounded.
Leslie shook her head sadly, and Brian quickly tried to remedy her growing doubts, “Nick will understand. In time, he’ll understand, he’ll have to. If I talk to him, if I can just talk to all the guys, I can fix all of this.”
“It’s not yours to fix Brian. I’m as much a part of this as you are.”
“Then we do it together. It’s the only way, can’t you see? You say you’re not giving up, but you are. I know things have fallen apart and it’s not exactly looking good, but we have a choice in this, as much as you may think we don’t. We were brought together for a reason, I realize this now. I’ve never loved anyone as much as I love you – how can that just be tossed aside and forgotten?”
“I’m not asking you to forget,” Leslie cried.
“It’s exactly what you’re asking! You’re telling me that everything we’ve gone through, that everything that we feel for one another, has all been for nothing. Why did we even do anything and why did our feelings progress like they did if they weren’t supposed to? We’ve been through too much to just leave it this way.”
“Brian, listen to yourself, please,” she pleaded, her eyes red, her cheeks wet. She stepped forward and touched his face gently, “You have to let this all go. We’ve done too much damage. If we stay together, you’ll lose everything.”
“I don’t care!” Brian lashed out.
“But I do!” Leslie cried back.
Brian cringed at this response. Leslie continued, “I care! I won’t be able to live knowing that it was my fault that the band broke up. I can’t live with knowing that my own selfishness and my own dreams got in the way of everyone else’s. I can’t live with knowing that I changed your life so drastically. It’s not fair. What you’re asking isn’t possible. It’s not feasible.”
“Christ, it has to be!” he yelled. He was getting frustrated. Nothing was going right. “It has to be! I refuse to let this go. I can’t just act like these past months didn’t happen to just save my career. It’s only a job, singing is only a means to make money, but Leslie, you’re my life.”
Leslie was shocked at these last words. Brian lowered his voice again, “You’re my everything. If I don’t have you, then I’ll be empty. I’ve been able to cope these last months because you’ve been so near, but if you’re gone completely, then what do I do? I don’t know how to live without you anymore. I’ve forgotten what my life was like without you in it. You’ve saturated my entire being, you’ve seeped into everything, and I’m not going to be able to get rid of you no matter what I do, and I’ll have to if you decide to really let go of us. I love you. How many times do I have to say that to you for you to stay here with me? I want you. I want all of you. I’m willing to face all the consequences, and I’m willing to fight, but only if you’re by my side. If you’re with me, I know that things will work out. I know that everyone will come to understand. I know. I know this because this, what we have, is meant to be. I wouldn’t risk everything for anyone else, and that in itself means something.”
Leslie’s heart softened more and more as he spoke. She knew that he felt strongly for her, but this much? She had no idea. It scared her to see that he cared for her just as much as she cared for him. At first she had felt foolish for letting her feelings get so strong, but she felt comforted now, though incredibly sad, to see that he loved her just as much, if not more.
“So Leslie,” he gently spoke, searching her beautiful face, “I love you…”
Leslie could only stare back at him, letting every word dance about her.
“I love you,” he repeated with the same tenderness. “I love you… I love you… I love you…”
Leslie pursed her lips, feeling her heart flutter with every ‘I love you’ that escape his lips. She had been waiting so long to hear him say that simple phrase, and now that it had come, she felt like she didn’t have sufficient time to really take it all in.
Brian paused, noticing by her expression that she was deep in thought. He nearly opened his mouth to tell her again, willing to say it a million times if that was what it took for her to agree to stay with him, but he was interrupted by loud voices from behind them.
Brian instinctively turned his head, his heart lurching at the sudden interruption. He saw no one just yet, but he heard the voices growing louder. Leslie made no attempt to look past Brian’s shoulder. The moment she had heard the echoes, she only closed her eyes, swallowing hard. Her heart had sunken horribly in her chest.
Their time had come to an end.
Brian quickly turned back to Leslie, his eyes panicking slightly. He noticed Leslie looking up at him so sadly, and it took all the energy in the world for him to not ask what she wanted to do. Instead, he stood and waited, hearing the voices approaching faster and faster.
He felt the graveness of the situation and it scared him. The unfairness of it all was crashing down on top of him once more. They didn’t have enough time, they weren’t finished. He suddenly felt the urge to tell her one more time, thinking that if he said it just once more that it would fix everything, that it would be sufficient enough to mend her heart.
“I love you,” he pushed all his heart and soul into this phrase that had spanned across centuries; that spanned across every generation and every culture.
“Fucking bitch!” Leighanne spat then. Her harsh words careened down the corridor and it made both Brian and Leslie flinch.
“Leighanne, hold up a second!” Rachel yelled.
Brian turned his head again to look, finding Leighanne, Rachel, and Kristin rounding the corner. Kristin had a firm grip on Leighanne’s upper arm and Rachel looked terrified.
Once again, Leslie made no move to look over Brian’s shoulder. She knew this moment would come. She only stood there, taking a moment to gather herself. She was keenly aware of her body, of her position, of Brian’s, of his breathing, of her breathing. She was aware of everything, everything that involved them.
“Get away from him you little slut!” Leighanne screamed. Rachel rushed in front of Leighanne to block her path.
Brian didn’t say anything, but turned back to Leslie. He felt so incredibly lost.
Leslie ignored the screams coming from in front of her, and suddenly leaned up and planted her lips against Brian’s. Brian was shocked at this, but just as soon as he adjusted to the suddenness of it, she had pulled away. She reached over and grabbed his hand, squeezing it gently, “I love you, too, Brian. Forever.”
Though hell was breaking loose behind them, and it was only a matter of time before Leighanne got at Leslie, he felt a small smile cross his lips.
“But I can’t,” she choked out.
With this, she pushed past Brian and rushed around Leighanne, Rachel, and Kristin. Leighanne tried lunging for her, but both Rachel and Kristin held her back.
Brian’s smile had immediately vanished, along with the beating of his heart.
