'Cause I don't really feel you
Where is your heart?
What I really want is to believe you
Is it so hard
To give me what I need?
I want your heart to bleed
That's all I'm asking for
Oh, where is your heart?
~Where Is Your Heart? By Kelly Clarkson
Leslie stood in front of the hotel door, feeling her heart rapidly flutter in her chest. She was nervous and she tried with all her might to keep herself in control. It had taken her nearly an hour to convince herself to even leave her hotel room, and now here she stood, her hand feeling like lead against the side of her leg. She knew she needed to act, but she was paralyzed. She was terrified.
She swallowed hard, clenching her clammy hands to try and relieve the tension building up steadily within her. She had called AJ more than 4 hours ago asking where he, the man she had wronged, was staying. To her surprise, she found that he was in the same hotel. She didn’t think he knew that, and that was probably for the best. Having him close was making this much more easier.
She bit her lip and twiddled her fingers. She must have looked ridiculous standing there in that hallway, facing a closed door, motionless, but she didn’t care. She was in her own world. She was in her own thoughts.
She took a deep breath and finally raised her heavy hand. She paused before she went through with the motion, but she closed her eyes and forced herself to gently rap on the door. She flinched when the sound echoed around her. She knew the intensity of the knock was only her guilt screaming out.
As the seconds ticked by with no answer, she became more and more nervous. Was he not here? If not, where in the world would he be? Her flight was to leave early the next morning, and as far as she knew, everyone was headed down to Georgia to continue on with the tour just as early. Knowing that he loved his sleep, it would be unlike him to go out and party.
But just as defeat seemed to settle within her, she heard the loud latch of the door being pulled back. The door swung open and Leslie’s breath caught in her throat. She was frozen in place, staring at the man before her nervously, wondering how he was going to react.
Nick stood there in a pair of baggy sweat pants and a white wife beater. His hair was tousled and he had circles under his eyes. To her relief, he wasn’t surprised to see her standing there. In fact, he barely reacted to her presence at all. He stood there eyeing her carefully for a few moments before turning around and walking back into his room, the door left completely open.
Leslie stood in the hallway unsteadily. Was she supposed follow? Was she allowed in? She leaned forward to see where he had gone, but he had vanished around a corner. She bit her lip and tentatively moved forward, feeling that every step she took rattled the entire hotel. When she had made her way past the threshold, she quickly and gently closed the door behind her before proceeding down the hall to the main room.
She immediately noticed the array of clothes scattered about and she felt a tinge of longing. She couldn’t count how many times she had badgered Nick about keeping his belongings organized and clean, and of course he never listened. As annoying as it was, she was now missing it.
She tore her eyes away from the clothing and turned her head to the right, where she spotted Nick sitting on the end of the bed, looking down at his clasped hands. She felt her body stiffen and she licked her lips nervously as she approached him. He made no move to acknowledge her. He made no move to do anything.
When she reached the foot of the bed, she bravely took a seat beside him, leaving a good chuck of space between them. She clasped her own hands, not knowing what else to do with them, and looked around the room. She could hear Nick’s steady breathing and feel the warmth of his body radiating towards her. She was realizing that she missed him more than she originally thought.
She suddenly felt tears coming to her eyes and she quickly tried to blink them away. She cursed herself for letting her feelings go so easily. She had tried to coach herself into controlling her emotions, but with Nick sitting there beside her with this invisible barrier between them, she felt incredibly heart broken.
And then something happened that she did not expect; Nick made the first move, “Was I not good enough?”
The silence that was drifting between them was broken with the voice of a rattled man. Leslie turned her head to look at Nick’s slumped figure. He still had his head down and he was clenching and unclenching his hands repeatedly.
“No, honey, you were good enough,” Leslie said softly. She could feel the tears brimming and knew that it was only a matter of time before they toppled over.
She could see Nick’s jaw tighten as he sat there. She felt like she could hear the agony of his thoughts and when he turned his head to look at her, and when she saw the tears in his eyes, she felt his agony too, “I tried to be a good boyfriend.”
Leslie’s heart was aching terribly, “You were a good boyfriend. You were an amazing boyfriend.”
“Then why?”
She looked at him sadly. She couldn’t explain it to him because honestly, she couldn’t even make sense of it herself. All she knew was that Brian had transfixed her. It wasn’t planned, it had just happened, but she knew these words would not ease Nick’s mind. She knew that these words weren’t sufficient enough to help him understand how she had strayed.
She shook her head, “I can’t… I don’t… I don’t know.”
Nick let out a heavy sigh and quickly turned his head away. She could tell that he was trying to get himself under control. She could tell that he was getting angry at himself for becoming so emotional in front of her. She knew that he had probably talked himself into being hard and cold to her, but he was crumbling.
“Do you…” Leslie licked her lips. She couldn’t believe she was asking it, but her need to know was killing her inside. The fact that he was being so gentle and calm only encouraged her. She felt so utterly alone, and she was searching for anything to ease her sorrows. “Do you still love me?”
Nick lightly shook his head, the sadness in his voice overwhelming, “Please don’t ask me that.”
Leslie turned her head away from him, trying to keep back her tears. She kept asking herself how she had gotten here.
The silence between them was excruciating. Nick was trying his best to stay together. He finally asked, “Could I have done something different?”
“I don’t think so,” she said timidly.
“I don’t understand,” he shook his head sadly. He turned his gaze back to her, “I just don’t understand. I thought that what we had was good. We rarely ever fought, we always had fun, at least I thought so…”
“No, we did,” Leslie reassured.
“Then I don’t know what happened. I don’t know what I did to make you want to go to another man,” Nick’s voice cracked.
“I didn’t want to,” she explained. “You may not believe that, but I didn’t. My feelings for Brian came out of no where.”
Nick flinched at this last portion, for even of speaking of ‘feelings’ for another man was like a stab in his chest. Leslie hurriedly pressed on, “They were unexpected, and I was scared, and confused, and frustrated. I tried to forget about them. I tried to surround myself by you because I did… I do… care about you, but with the tour, we became such good friends, and then it just happened, and I didn’t want it to because I didn’t want to hurt you, but I couldn’t control it. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I really couldn’t control it. He was like this… drug. I would convince myself that I could stop, but then I would just fall into him again. But I don’t want you thinking that he forced me into it because he didn’t. What happened with me was what happened with him. This unexpectedness, this guilt, and being so out of control – we were both going through this thing that just kept progressing and as more time went on, the harder it was to stop…”
Nick was shaking his head, baffled at what she was saying, “I can’t listen to this.”
“But I need you to,” Leslie said desperately. She needed to tell him what had happened. She needed to tell him that she cared for him and that she didn’t do it on purpose. She needed him to understand.
“I can’t,” Nick said. “The way you’re talking about him… it’s unreal. You were my girlfriend, and the way you’re speaking, it’s like he had this part of you that I never got to have. It’s gut wrenching to think that he got to a part of you that I never and could never get to. The way you’re speaking, it’s like you only stayed with me out of convenience.”
“But that’s not true!”
“But that’s what it sounds like! If you were so “addicted” to him, why didn’t you just leave me?”
“Because he was with Leigh!” the moment she said it, she knew that she regretted it. It wasn’t what she meant to say, it wasn’t the whole story, but how does she tell him that?
Nick narrowed his eyes then, “So just because he didn’t leave Leigh, you didn’t leave me?”
Leslie wanted to kick herself, “That’s not what I meant.”
“I think it’s absolutely what you meant. You only stayed with me because Brian was taken. You strung me along all this time…”
“I didn’t string you along! Nick, God, I need you to see how hard this has been on me.”
“And what about me!?” Nick burst then. He sprang from the bed and faced her, “What about the fucking idiot that was completely oblivious about his girlfriend fucking his best friend? You not only broke my heart Leslie, you fucking took away my pride and dignity!”
Leslie cringed, her eyes flinching with each word that he said. She could feel the tears drop from her eyes. She was shrinking away.
“You made a complete fool out of me! And for what? Because you couldn’t control yourself? Because apparently I couldn’t please you enough!? And you sit here as if you’re a victim!”
“I’m not trying to!”
“Why did you even come here Leslie?”
“Because I need you to understand where I’m coming from! I need you to see how sorry I am for hurting you, cause Nicky, I never wanted to hurt you, and Brian didn’t either. As much as you don’t believe that, we didn’t. You mean so much to me and we’ve made it so far that I can’t bear losing you. I can’t live knowing that I did this to you. I can’t live with knowing that my actions destroyed a part of your life that you love so dearly,” she frantically explained. His eyes were soft as he listened to these words, but he still held his hardened shell. He could see the guilt that covered her face, he could even hear it, but that didn’t mean he could forgive her. Not that easily.
“I don’t want you to hate me,” she softly said.
“Hate you? As much as I want to hate you, I can’t, and believe me, I’ve fucking tried. That seems to be the worst thing about this, because this would be so much easier if I didn’t care for you as much as I did. I don’t know what you want me to say Leslie.”
Nick was pacing now.
“All I can fucking think about are Brian’s hands on you, and I get physically sick. I haven’t slept, I haven’t eaten, and why? Because I love you? What kind of bullshit is that? Is this what love is supposed to do because Jesus Christ, if I had known I would have never even attempted to get to know you. I may not hate you, but I hate what you’ve done to me. I hate what you’ve turned me into!”
He barely glanced at her as he ranted, “And I keep thinking back and seeing all the instances that I should have known something was up. You always disappeared for hours on end, you two were always hanging out together, you were always so damned happy when you were with him, and maybe a part of me knew, but I ignored it because I trusted you and I trusted him! I didn’t think for a moment that you could have done something like this, and I’m a complete idiot to have believed so.”
“You’re not an idiot,” Leslie said softly.
“You don’t think so?” Nick asked harshly. “Because on top of constantly thinking about Brian fucking you, I’m imagining you and Brian and everyone else laughing behind my back! I’m a fucking JOKE Leslie!”
“I didn’t mean for this to happen,” Leslie had completely lost her cool. She was quickly falling apart. She didn’t know what to say to help the situation.
“You keep saying that and it’s a bunch of bullshit! You keep saying that it just happened, but that’s bullshit too! If you were so completely and utterly happy with me, you would have NEVER even thought about doing anything with another man, let alone Brian, so stop lying to me!”
Leslie sprang up then, “I’m not lying to you! You may think it’s bullshit, but it’s not! It just happened and if you don’t want to believe me that then fine, but it’s the truth! Do you honestly think I wanted to cheat on you? Do you honestly believe that Brian and I wanted to hurt you, wanted to ruin our careers, wanted to lose friends?”
“You tell me,” Nick stated.
“Of course we didn’t!” Leslie threw her hands in the air in exasperation.
Nick let out a harsh laugh. He crossed his arms and eyed Leslie. She crossed her arms in return, feeling vulnerable and weak, “Did you ever even like me?”
“Nick, that’s a stupid question to ask,” Leslie said flatly.
“Is it? Is it really? Because I don’t exactly feel very secure right now Leslie. You were going behind my back for how long?”
Leslie knew that this question wasn’t hypothetical. It was a question he truly wanted the answer to. She averted her gaze, “That doesn’t matter.”
“It matters to me!” Nick exclaimed.
“But it doesn’t! The fact is that it happened, for how long is irrelevant!”
“It’s completely relevant! There’s a difference between when it’s a one night drunken stand compared to a month long sex binge!”
“It wasn’t a sex binge!” Leslie’s voice shook.
“I don’t care what it was! Just answer the damn question. After everything that you’ve put me through, the least you could do is give me the truth!”
She shook her head, searching over Nick’s determined face sadly. God, how did she get here?
“Please just let this go,” she pleaded.
“Tell me,” he stated firmly.
She was fiddling with her hands now, stalling for time. The longer they stood there, the harder it was for Leslie to take Nick’s hard stare. She finally broke down, her voice barely above a whisper, “Since England.”
His mouth immediately fell open. He was expecting a long affair, but not that long. Had he really been that blind? How is that possible? He gave her a look of pure shock. He stuttered, more to himself than to her, “Tha-that long?”
She stared at him fearfully, feeling herself pull away from him nervously. She didn’t know how he was going to react further.
“But we stopped before Christmas,” she hurriedly tried to ease the heightening tension.
“That was nearly 5 months,” Nick whispered. He turned away from her, this information painfully sinking into him. “You were having sex with him for 5 months?”
“Yes,” she admitted honestly, the very truth tearing into her already fragile state.
Nick turned on her then, his anger flashing over his face. This new information did not sit well with him. He was angry with her, he was angry with Brian, but he was also angry with himself. How could he have not known that they were in so deep? “Leslie, you didn’t just cheat on me, you had a fucking relationship with him!”
“I didn’t,” she said quietly. There was no way she could ever explain the intricacies of her and Brian’s relationship. It was too complicated that she could barely understand it.
“5 months? 5 damned months? That’s longer than half the relationships in the world last!”
Leslie cringed. She didn’t know what she was hoping for by coming here. She had some vague hope that they would be able to talk rationally and try and resolve things not only between them, but between him and Brian. This obviously wasn’t happening.
“Jesus, if it wasn’t a relationship, then he must have been a pretty good fucking lay for you to keep going back to him for the whole God damned tour!”
“It wasn’t all about that!” she exclaimed. Nick had the wrong idea about them, but she couldn’t blame him. What was he supposed to think? He wasn’t there as her and Brian developed. He didn’t understand the complications and the feelings involved, and that was no fault of his. But how the hell does she tell him this? If only she knew how, maybe, just maybe, he would be able to forgive them.
“Wasn’t it though? If you didn’t string me along, and if you guys weren’t having a secret relationship behind my back, then what was it about?” Nick approached her with each word he spoke. He was angry, that much was clear, and as of late, Nick’s anger didn’t bode well for anyone involved.
Leslie stepped back as Nick came near her. He continued to rant, “What the hell does he have that I don’t? What the hell did he do to you that I didn’t? Did you just fake it with me? Did you ever even enjoy it?”
“Of course I did!” Leslie said. She was growing more nervous as the seconds ticked by. She found herself backing into the wall, and with Nick slowly advancing towards her, she saw that she had no where else to go.
“Then what? Was I not forceful enough?” he grabbed her arms tightly then and she shrank into herself. “Huh? Was that it!?”
“Nick, stop,” Leslie cried meekly.
“Did he tie you up? Did he bite you? Push you around? Is that what you want?” Nick asked lowly.
Leslie had no strength in her to fight against him. She tried turning her face away from his, but he was too close and he held her to tightly, “Nick, this isn’t you. Stop it!”
His lips were upon hers then, and he pressed her against the wall roughly. She tried moving her arms away from his grasp, but to no avail. He suddenly reached down and hiked up her skirt and she groaned against his lips, fear pouring from every inch of her. What was he doing?
She tried pushing against his chest then, but he was pressing himself into her too hard. He pulled his lips from hers, “Is this how he did it!? Is this what you kept going back to!?”
He reached down and roughly picked her up, forcing her legs to circle around his waist.
“Stop it!” she screeched, pushing him hard, trying to get him to cease his advances. After much trouble, he got a hold of her violent hands and pushed them above her head, pinning them to the wall. She was breathing heavily, looking at him fearfully. He had stopped his assault on her lips and was just standing there, trying to stiffen her struggles. He searched her face angrily before softly saying, “So, that’s not it then?”
The pressure he was forcing upon her was suddenly released. He let go of her arms and he gently helped her down from the wall. He stepped back and watched as she frantically pushed down her skirt. His features were softening as he stood there.
“Was I not gentle enough then?” he asked sadly.
Leslie was shaking. She was at a loss of words, “It wasn’t anything you did Nick. It wasn’t your fault.”
“I thought that loving you was enough.”
Leslie was hugging herself now, “It was Nick, but it’s more complicated than that.”
The tears that were originally in his eyes were returning as his anger diminished. He acted as if he didn’t hear her. His voice lowered substantially, “Do you love him?”
Leslie was completely blindsided. Out of everything, she never expected this from him, and the way he had said it, she could tell that it had been on his mind continuously since the night of the party. He asked it so determined and so fearfully that it broke her heart. She cringed at the very thought of telling him the truth. Her eyes were forming fresh tears, “Nick, I can’t…”
“Do you love him?” he repeated just as determined, just as scared. Her vision was blurring and she turned her head to look away from him.
“Look at me,” he demanded. She shook her head meekly and his voice boomed through the room, making her flinch, “Look at me!”
She looked at him, seeing his own face transformed into a completely heart broken man. His own eyes were full of tears and he was looking at her terrified. It was her reluctance to answer that had made him fill with dread. Her reluctance to answer was all the truth he needed, but he had to hear it. He had to hear it from her words.
“He says he loves you,” his voice was shaking. It was dripping with pain. “He says he loves you and as much as I don’t want to believe him, as much as I want to say that his feelings for you are a joke, I can’t. The way he said it to you, I knew right then and there that something happened between you two that I could never understand. I’ve never seen him look at anyone, or say something with such conviction, like that before.”
Leslie blinked, allowing a few tears to run down her cheeks. Nick continued, his hands shaking as he spoke, “I love you, but that means nothing if you don’t love me back. So Leslie, please just answer the question. Please just tell me the truth.”
He was looking at her with such sadness. His lip trembled slightly, “Do you love him?”
More tears fell silently from her. Her heart was screaming within her. Silence drifted between the two figures. Leslie couldn’t hold it in any longer. Nick’s desperation was haunting and she knew that above all else, he really, truly, needed to know the answer to the question that was plaguing his mind.
She opened his mouth to speak, and her voice cracked, “I do.”
She could see from the pain on his face that his heart had just broken in two. His own tears released then, slowly slipping down his face. He swallowed, averting his gaze for a moment before nodding lightly, “And me? Did you ever love me?”
The way he said it hurt her so terribly. He sounded so lost. She could see that in those few words, the majority of his pain was shown all too clear to her. She realized then that through everything, the very thought of her love not being real for him, but for someone else, was the worst part of the entire situation.
“I did,” she nodded gently. She knew she couldn’t leave it at that because it wouldn’t be fair. She hated her next words, but she had to say them, “Not like you loved me, but I loved you. In my own way I did. I still do.”
This wasn’t the answer he was hoping for. He looked at her sadly for a few moments, letting these words cut into him. Not like he loved her? He loved her more than anything and she didn’t love him back? He felt his world crashing around him. He turned away from her, almost doubling over, “Please get out. I’ve had enough.”
“Nick…”
“Get out!” he yelled. She stood there still, not wanting to leave on such a shaky note. When he noticed her not moving, her spun towards her, pointing towards the door. Tears were streaming down his cheeks, “Get the fuck out Leslie! I can’t talk to you anymore right now!”
She nodded sadly, pursing her lips. She gently whispered, “Okay.”
She forced her limbs to move towards the entrance. She paused slightly, turning towards Nick’s crying figure, “I really am sorry Nicky.”
“Leave,” he stated flatly.
She didn’t need to be told again. She turned on her heel and left Nick alone and broken. When she entered the hall, she knew that she had lost a piece of her in the room behind her. She had lost a part of her heart, but she hoped that it wasn’t all in vain. Through everything, she couldn’t help but have the slightest hope that Nick would someday get past this.
She had thought that by coming here she would only make things worse, but the most unexpected had happened. Through all his anger and through all his tears, she had seen the faint flicker of understanding within his eyes.
She had seen a faint flicker of forgiveness.
