Spent some time just trying,
To let each other go.
I held your hand so very tightly,
And told you what I would be dreaming of…
There’s nothing like you and I…
~Nothing Like You and I by The Perishers
His lips lightly brushed her closed eyelids. He closed his own eyes as he nuzzled his nose against hers, before brushing his lips against her lips. He felt her smile against him, and he couldn’t stop his own smile from forming.
He pulled back and looked at her, seeing her piercing blue eyes stare back into his. They sparkled always and it made his crazy world grow suddenly and peacefully calm. He reached over and rubbed her cheek softly, relishing the touch of her skin against his.
She reached up her hand to intertwine her fingers with his. As she pulled his hand away from her face, she kissed his fingers tenderly, before letting both their hands lie comfortably on the bed beneath them.
They didn’t speak for what seemed like hours. They were blissfully happy just being in one another’s company, thankful for the amount of time they had where they didn’t have to rush their time together. It wasn’t until Brian noticed Leslie’s distant, thoughtful eyes that he even thought to say something.
He asked gently, “What are you thinking about sweetheart?”
Her eyes darted back to his, warm once more, “A lot of things.”
“Like what?”
She bit her bottom lip, hesitating with her next words.
“What’s wrong?” Brian asked, feeling her body tense up beside him.
She shook her head, “Nothing’s wrong. It’s just…” She stopped and let out a breath.
“It’s just…?” he pushed.
“Why me?” she blurted out.
He was taken aback by this question. He wasn’t even sure he understood what she meant. She saw the puzzled look on his face and reworded what she was trying to say, “I mean, why me over any other girl? You could have anyone…”
“No, I couldn’t,” Brian protested.
“You know what I mean,” Leslie brushed off.
Brian frowned slightly, bringing her hand to his lips, “Alright, let me ask you this. Why me? Why me if you already have Nick?”
Leslie’s voice was meek. She knew he would ask this, but it still didn’t prepare her for it. She didn’t know the answer, plain and simple, and she wasn’t about to scramble to find something meaningless to tell him. She couldn’t lie, even she tried, “I don’t know.”
Leslie was surprised at the reaction that this answer generated. Instead of frustration, Brian smiled.
“That makes two of us darlin’,” he gently said back to her. “I have no idea why it was you. You… you… how do I put this?” He laughed, trying to hide his embarrassment.
“Tell me,” Leslie whispered.
“You transfix me, in everything,” he replied. Leslie’s heart fluttered.
“When I first saw you, I could see only you. The way you present yourself, the way you smile, your personality… you’re good Leslie. Everything about you is good. Your soul, your heart… you’re everything that I look for in a woman, except that I didn’t think you existed. I thought you were a fairytale.”
“Brian…” Leslie was blushing furiously. She wasn’t used to this shower of admiration. Nick complimented her, sure, but it wasn’t like this. Brian was so sincere and so passionate. It threw Leslie off balance.
“See, I love that. That right there, what you’re doing, I love it. It tears me apart inside, but in a good way. To see you blush like that, to see you react to what I’m saying, it opens up things in me I didn’t know even existed. It makes me happy in ways that I never thought I could be happy. You’re so incredibly modest babygirl. So incredibly pure of heart. You make my whole world come alive by just being you. How could I be that lucky?”
Leslie’s eyes were burning, and she hated it. The things he was saying to her were unexpected. They touched her, but they broke her heart at the same time. She was battling with fire, but she couldn’t stop herself. It wasn’t just what he was saying to her, it was the familiarity of the words themselves. It was the trueness of her own feelings and her own thoughts for him. What he was saying to her, she reflected back to him, but how does she explain that without being cheesy? How does she explain that without betraying her heart and Nick even further?
“When I touch you,” his fingers suddenly were trailing down the side of her bare arm, “When I kiss you,” he leaned in, brushing his lips across the same path his fingers had taken.
Leslie shuddered at his touch, goosebumps springing to the surface as his breath grazed her skin. He raised his head to hers and kissed her softly. She responded without thinking, wanting more than anything to be closer to him than she was now. He pulled back only slightly and whispered in her ear, “When I make love to you…”
Leslie’s face grew hot once more and she felt her insides churn nervously. He felt her bury her face in his neck and he laughed gently, “When I make you blush…”, he pulled back, forcing her to look at him once more. The knowing look on his face made her smile in embarrassment. His grin grew wider, “When I see your smile… all of it, all of the things that you do, all of the things that you make me do, everything about you, absolutely everything… it’s heaven.”
Leslie’s smile faltered, watching as Brian became more serious, “You’re my heaven.”
Leslie pursed her lips, forcing herself to look away from Brian’s intense and loving stare. How could he say something so intense to her? They had only known each other a few months prior, and they only started meeting privately only a few weeks before this very moment, so how could this be possible? She knew that they were in deep, but this deep? She had been lying to herself. She had been in denial.
Brian followed Leslie’s eyes, making her look back at him, “Tell me what you’re thinking.”
She licked her lips, reaching up to tuck some hair behind her ear. She allowed Brian to touch her cheek once more, and she leaned towards it involuntarily. She loved when he did that.
“Please,” he insisted.
Leslie paused before speaking up, “I’m thinking that you’re every girl’s dream. I’m thinking that I don’t deserve you, that I don’t deserve this. I’m thinking that I’m a horrible person for lying here next to you, having the same affection and admiration for you as you do me. I’m thinking that this isn’t real, that this can’t be real…”
Leslie had to stop, hearing her voice shake. Should she tell him her other thoughts? About how scared this all made her? Scared for the feelings he had awoken within her? Scared for what this could mean for her life and her career? Scared for what this could do to Nick? Scared for her future decisions… scared. Yet safe. Safe as long as he was here beside her. Safe as long as he touched her.
“It’s real,” Brian whispered lovingly. Leslie searched his face, holding back everything she wanted to pour out to him. She couldn’t ruin this moment, not now. She had to embrace it.
“Will you do something for me?” she asked.
“You know I’d do anything,” Brian replied.
Her hands slid under the covers to his bare stomach, where she laced her arms around him, pulling herself closer to him. Brian allowed this, staring down at her, “Tell me what you want.”
“Kiss me,” she stated softly.
He smiled slightly. He leaned down and kissed her.
Brian tore his eyes away from the window, blinking his eyes furiously. The loud ring tone coming from behind him nearly made him jump out of his skin. His heart raced in his chest not only from the memory he had just got lost in, but from the sudden interruption. He swallowed hard, taking one last glance at the city below him, before turning around to snatch up his phone from the hotel room couch.
One look at the caller ID and his heart dropped substantially in his chest. He debated if he should answer it or not. He could call her back, sure, but he knew that would be cruel. It had only been a day since the news had leaked. He was actually surprised she hadn’t called earlier.
He flipped open the phone and plopped down onto the couch, ready to hear the yelling on the other end ensue.
“Hey mom,” he cringed. The yelling and the lecture he expected did not spill out of the receiver. Instead, silence greeted him.
“Mom? You there?” he asked.
He heard a shaky breath then and his eyes clenched tight.
“Why?” she asked.
“Mom…”
“I don’t understand. Your father’s in shock… I’m in shock. Are these things true Brian? They can’t be could they?”
Brian sighed, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees. He hated what he had to say to her, “They’re true mom.”
“Oh honey… but Nick… and Leighanne…” she trailed off. She was clearly upset. She obviously wasn’t the first one however. For the past 24 hours, Brian’s had to deal with enraged fans. His mother would just be the icing on the cake.
“What’s going on with you?” she abruptly asked.
“I don’t know,” Brian grumbled.
“How could you do this? Not only to yourself, but to the guys. To Nick. To Leighanne… to the fans. To us! I didn’t raise you this way…”
Brian’s heart stopped at those last words, “Mom, it’s still me okay? I know it was wrong, believe me, I know that, more than anyone, but I’m only human.”
“This was more than just a mistake Brian, this is a disaster,” it was obvious she was in complete shock. Her thoughts were jumbled. The anger that she had yet to experience was only a inch away from exploding to the surface.
“Who said it was a mistake?” Brian muttered.
“What did you just say?” she gasped.
Brian mouthed ‘fuck’ to the empty room, hearing his mother continue rambling, “Did you just say what I think you just said? Brian Thomas…”
“I love her mom, how could that be a mistake?”
Jackie quit talking. The silence was deafening. It was nearly an entire minute before she spoke up again, each second making Brian feel more and more ashamed of the entire situation. If he already didn’t have a hellish day, this was just another addition to make damn sure that it was.
“You love her? Her, as in this woman Leslie?” she whispered.
“Yes,” was all he could say.
Jackie was speechless, “Wha… who… Brian… Leighanne?”
“I don’t love Leighanne. I haven’t for quite sometime. I’ve been unhappy.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” she asked.
“I thought it was obvious when I told Leighanne I wanted to cool it off about the wedding. I thought you’d know.”
“But that’s no excuse to just give up on her!”
“I didn’t give up on her!” he burst. He bit his tongue, forcing himself to control his emotions before he continued on, “I didn’t give up on her okay? I thought that we could work through things, but she had changed so much, and when I met Leslie…”
“What about the baby?” she interrupted.
He tried to be patient, “I’ll do my part. I’ll be as much a part of his life as I would have been under other circumstances. That part hasn’t changed.”
He could hear a sigh of relief on the other end. This irked him a bit, wondering why his mother would doubt him on that level. Did she think he had turned his back on everything that he was?
“Have you talked to her?” she asked.
“No,” he stated honestly.
She sighed in frustration, “Brian, I don’t get this! I don’t get you! What’s going on?”
“Even if I were to call her, she probably wouldn’t answer or return my calls. She’s not very happy with me…” he tried to defend.
“Of course she’s not happy with you! Who is!? You have responsibilities Brian. You were with Leigh for years, and she’s having your child, don’t you think you should give her a little more respect than what you’re giving her now?”
Brian’s heart sank at her words. She had a point. Though he didn’t love Leighanne like he used to, that still didn’t make it right for him to ignore her. He was so wrapped up in all the other crap coming his way, that he just pushed Leighanne aside to deal with for later. She didn’t deserve that.
“You’re right,” he croaked. “You’re right, I’m sorry. I’ve just been so jumbled, what with everything’s that’s happened. I wasn’t thinking. I’ll call her as soon as I’m off the phone with you.”
“That’s better,” she approved. “But that doesn’t make anything right. Where was your head at through all this?”
Brian rubbed his forehead stressfully, staring down at the designs in the carpet. How could he explain any of this to his mother? He barely understood it himself. He was completely unprepared to explain to anyone his feelings. How was there anyway to justify them without sounding like a complete idiot?
“It was with Leslie,” he said quietly.
“Leslie,” his mother repeated. “Nick’s girlfriend?”
Brian flinched, “Yes.”
“Nick’s ex-girlfriend?”
“Yes.”
Jackie paused before saying suspiciously, “Did she force you into this?”
She was trying so hard to find a rational reason behind his actions. He couldn’t blame her. It was completely out of his character. He never thought in his wildest dreams that he would commit adultery. Never.
“No,” he whispered. “If anything, I forced her.”
“You what?” she asked in shock.
“It’s not what you think,” he rushed forward. “When I first met her, I was mesmerized by her. I tried to ignore the feelings I had. I really did. But then I got paired up with her for dance rehearsals, and we became such good friends, and then I saw that she had the same feelings…”
“But why would you act on them Brian? You should have talked to me. You should have talked to Harold. You should have talked to somebody to try and fix this. This was a weakness that you gave into, a dangerous, stupid weakness. I thought you were stronger than this.”
“I thought I was too mom,” he said defensively. “But you don’t understand…”
She interrupted him again, “Help me try to understand. I need to, cause I’m so lost right now sweetheart.”
“I don’t even understand it myself,” he breathed out. He was trying so hard to keep his calm. “All I know is that I’ve never felt like this for anyone before in my entire life. Mom, I'm so in love with her.”
He didn’t know how else to explain it. All he knew were what his feelings were telling him. There was no rationale behind any of it. He was in love, plain and simple. What else was there to explain?
Brian thought that Jackie had hung up, and as he opened his mouth to ask if she were still there, she finally spoke up quietly, “Does she love you?”
“Yes,” he said quickly.
“As much as you do her?”
“Yes.”
“How can you be so sure?” she asked skeptically. Brian knew she would only have these feelings because she didn’t know Leslie for herself. If she had only met her, to see the good that Brian saw in her, then he knew that Jackie would accept her, and not doubt her as she was doing now.
“Because I just know. I know that’s not a good answer, but it’s hard to explain what you know in your heart to be true. She’s a good person mom. She cared for Nick, and it tore her apart, just as much as it tore me apart to do what we were doing, but it was so out of our control. She never meant any harm. She never intended for any of this to happen. She resisted us for so long, and though she was stronger than me, I pushed her until she gave in. If anything, this entire thing is my fault.”
Jackie sighed, “Brian, it takes two people to do what you’ve done.”
Brian didn’t respond, allowing Jackie to speak up once more, “What you’ve done is terrible, but you know that. Your father and I brought you up to do the right thing, and this obviously was a lapse of judgment, but I know you. I know your heart, and I know that you wouldn’t have done this if you didn’t have strong feelings for this girl. You wouldn’t have done this without struggling through it.”
Brian was relieved to hear these words. She continued, “But I’m your mother. Not everyone is going to be so forgiving. Not everyone is going to be understanding.”
It was Brian’s turn to interrupt, “Does that mean you understand?”
“Not in the least bit,” Jackie said a bit harshly. Brian cringed again, running his free hand through his hair. Jackie’s voice softened a bit, “But I know what love can do to a person. I don’t know this girl…”
“But I want you to,” Brian interjected.
“How can I?” she asked. “How can I when I was so prepared to have Leighanne as a daughter-in-law?”
“Because I love this woman, more than anything, and with any luck…” Brian paused, sighing sadly, “With any luck at all, once all of this passes, I have every intention of spending the rest of my life with her.”
“Oh sweetheart…” Jackie sighed. “You really love her that much?”
“I love her with my whole heart,” Brian stated sincerely.
“Alright honey, alright,” the resolution in her voice was comforting to Brian. He felt like he had gotten his point across.
“Now what about everything else?”
“You mean Nick?” Brian asked.
“Yes, and Alexander and Howard.”
“AJ and Howie are fine… I guess. As fine as they could be, surprisingly. They’re trying to take an unbiased approach to the whole thing and I think it’s mainly because they want to preserve the group.”
“And Nick?” she pressed.
“He’s… he’s not good,” Brian admitted.
“I’m surprised he didn’t quit,” she stated.
Brian wasn’t about to tell her that he did at one point, so instead he told her why he had decided to stay, “He couldn’t do that to the fans.”
“Oh gosh, that poor boy…” Brian’s heart felt a pang of hurt. “How is he taking it?”
“He’s angry, and upset, and I don’t expect him to be anything else for a really long time.”
“He loved this girl Leslie?”
“Yes, he did… does,” Brian replied.
“Does he know you love her as well?”
“He knows, but I don’t think he has taken it in.”
“Have you talked to him?” she asked.
“I’ve tried, but I haven’t been pushing it. I know he needs some time to himself to sort through everything. The fact that he’s still here is more than enough right now.”
“Are you prepared to lose him?” she suddenly questioned. Brian was taken aback.
“Lose him?” he asked unsteadily.
“I know that with enough time and effort, forgiveness is just around the corner, but sometimes someone has been wronged enough to not turn back. You have to be prepared honey. You have to be prepared to see that no matter how hard you try, he just might never come back to you. Are you ready for that?”
Her words were striking him painfully. He never took that into account before. He knew that Nick was angry with him, that was a given, but he thought that with enough time and persistence, he would have to come around. He would have to understand. But, I guess with understanding and forgiveness doesn’t necessarily come friendship.
“No,” Brian breathed out sadly. “No, I’m not ready for that.”
Jackie’s voice was sad right along with her son’s, “Life doesn’t always turn out the way you want it to sweetheart, but all you can do is try. You two have known each other for over 10 years. I’d be surprised if he didn’t listen to you, I’d be surprised if he didn’t understand where you’re coming from, but I don’t know where his head’s at. I don’t know how hurt he is. You just have to go forward doing your best and if he decides to turn his back on you, you can at least say that you did everything you could. Okay?”
“Yeah,” Brian whispered.
Jackie knew by the downcast tone in his son’s voice that she should move onto something else, “How are the fans treating you?”
“Terrible,” Brian grumbled. “But that was expected I guess.”
“Was it?”
“Of course it was. Nick’s always been the favorite, which is fine, but he has an intense following. Wronging him was like wronging them.”
“You had a concert last night didn’t you?”
“Yeah, and it was a nightmare. Fans showed up, but a few times when I sang, I got booed. But it wasn’t what I thought it would be. I thought there would be more reactions towards me, but most were for Leslie. Every time I looked out there, for every sign that said something bad against me, there were 10 that slammed her. It was heartbreaking, to see them judge and criticize her for something she didn’t mean to happen. I was just as much at fault as her.”
“Oh honey, I’m sorry…”
“I deserve it don’t I? But she doesn’t. She doesn’t deserve any of this.”
“Have you talked to her?”
“I’ve tried calling her, but she won’t answer,” Brian said sadly.
“And she hasn’t called you back?”
“No,” Brian knew this answer wouldn’t sit well with his mother, but it surprised him at her reaction.
“She needs some time I think,” she stated. “She’s probably in shock just as much as you are. She’s a dancer right?”
“Right.”
“So she’s been in the limelight, but not like you. On top of dealing with Nick and with you, she’s having to deal with the media, and she’s never had to do that before. Just give her some time to sort through this, just like with Nick.”
Brian nodded into the phone, feeling a bit of relief wash over him, “Thank you.”
“For what?”
“For being my mom, for knowing what to say always. For giving me and Leslie the benefit of the doubt,” he explained.
“You’re my son, and I love you, what else would there be for me to do?” She questioned. She then continued, “Brian, you’re a good man, no one can doubt that. You did something wrong, and you acknowledge that, and that’s a good first step. You’re going to have some tough times ahead of you, but if you keep trying with Nick, with the fans, with Leslie, with Leighanne, things will be okay. You have to put your faith in God and in yourself alright? And know that your father and I are here for you always.”
“I love you,” Brian croaked.
“I love you, too, sweetheart,” she replied softly. “Are you going to be okay?”
“Yeah…”
“Are you sure?” she persisted.
“Yes mom, I’ll be fine.”
“Alright,” she stated warily. “Will you please call me tomorrow?”
“Of course.”
“You promise?”
“I promise,” Brian tried not to smile.
As he hung up the phone, he took a minute to take in a shaky breath. That conversation went better than he thought it would. He forgot how much he needed his mother, even now when he was in his 30s.
He looked down at his phone, watching the names in his address book scroll down quickly. As he came upon Leighanne’s number, he noticed the name right below hers. He hesitated, not wanting to bother her yet again. He knew that if he called her, she wouldn’t answer, and as of now, that was okay. The main reason why he pressed ‘Call’ over her beautiful name was so he could hear her voice. Hear her voice to give him strength. Hear her voice to ease some of the pain and suffering he was experiencing alone in his hotel room. To ease just how much he missed her.
It rang four times before her familiar voicemail kicked in, “Hey, this is Leslie. I’m probably off doing something mischievous, but once I’m free, and hopefully not in jail, I’ll call ya back! So leave a message why dontcha?”
Brian closed his eyes the entire time she spoke, and he cursed when the beep came through. Why couldn’t she have made a longer message? It took all his might to hang up and not call her again to hear her just once more.
Instead, he forced his way back through his address book to Leighanne, and with Leslie’s voice still ringing in his ears, he dialed the mother of his unborn child. As he heard the phone start to ring, he realized he had absolutely no idea what he was going to say to her.
When the phone picked up, and her voice rang through the line, he closed his eyes tight and took a deep breath. He whispered to himself, “Please, God,” before breathing out, “Leigh, please don’t hang up.”
