I could sense him there beside me before I even opened my eyes. I felt his warm hands embracing mind, our fingers interlaced and our palms sweaty against each other. The feel of his warm breath on the back of my arm coupled with the sound of his soft snores gave the comfort of knowing he was right there next to me before I fully even realized he was really right there next to me. And for a minute I didn't want to open my eyes. I didn't want the dream to end. I think I truly believed if I kept my eyes closed I could pretend I was back in Hawaii, back in another time...

But then the cramping in my abdomen came. That same harsh reminder that I couldn't escape my new reality.

I forced myself to open my eyes and then blinked many times as I waited for the room to stop spinning around me. The medication had worked wonders at helping me relax but the after effects weren't nearly as pleasant. I blinked a couple more times before peering around the room to take in my surroundings. It was dark now, the shades drawn and the clock radio beside my bed read 9:45 pm. Nick must have left the radio on when he came in because it was still tuned to my favorite country station and Kenny Chesney was singing about having another beer in Mexico... I wished I was.

I reached across the bed with my free hand and hit the button to turn on the lamp. With the new light in the room I was able to see Nick clearly for the first time. His face looked so tired, his brow furrowed in a less than peaceful expression. I hated to see the stress that all of this had put on him. I hated to see the stress that all of this was putting on all of my friends and family. I reached out and ran my hand through his blonde hair. It felt soft and and comfortable in my fingers and instinctively I reached up to my own head, wondering how long it would be before the chemo claimed my long curls.

Nick stirred beside me as I loosened my other hand from his grip. He rubbed his eyes against his arm, finally stirring completely awake after several more moments. He looked around as if he'd forgotten where he was but the moment his eyes came to focus on mine, I smiled. He smiled back timidly then, reaching to take my hand once more in his.

"Hi," I whispered, a bit unsure of what exactly I should say. There were no real words for a situation like this one.

"Hi," he said it back, standing quickly before sitting on my bed to face me. His eyes began to fill with tears and mine echoed his. His voice faltered when he tried to speak again, "Bu-baby... I... I... I never should have left you. I... I'm just so sorry."

I watch for a few seconds as his tears fell faster and he wiped his cheek on the sleeve of his sweatshirt. Even if I had wanted to be mad at him for leaving me, in that moment I couldn't be, because in that moment I knew deep in my heart that he was telling the truth. That he was truly sorry. And so was I.

I leaned forward, pulling him into the tightest hug I could manage between the tubes and my stitches, and it wasn't nearly tight enough. I wanted my body to melt into his. I wanted to disappear into his arms... into his heart and hide away there forever.

"I'm sorry too." I sniffed the words, hiding my faces as deep in his scent as I could get.

"But baby," Nick responded quickly, pulling me away from his chest so that I was looking him in the eye, "You have absolutely nothing to be sorry for!"

I shook my head. "I do!" I sobbed thinking about everything that had been ruined because of me. Nick looked shocked as he sat there with me curled once more in his arms, he continued to reassure me, "No you don't."

But the dam had broken. The tears were falling and everything came spilling out. "Nick, I've ruined everything for us..." I sniffled, sitting back against my pillow once more. I took the hand that Nick was holding and rested it against my belly. I couldn't believe how empty I felt... I'd lost so much. So much. "... I... I mean I got sick and had to have chemo and surgery... and now I can't have kids Nick, and we were supposed be getting married and now I have to have even more chemo... and the doctor said... she said..." I tired my best to choke back the sobs but they kept coming stronger and stronger. The pain was growing worse and I could tell by the tears spilling down Nick's cheeks that I was making it worse for him to.

I sighed and thought about all that the doctor had told me and the tears just came even stronger, "I don't want to die Nick... Oh God... I don't wanna die."

I felt Nick's arms wrap tightly around me then as he pulled me close and held me tightly. "It's okay Gracie... look at me... everything's gonna be okay."

He held me in his arms for a long, long time, rocking me back and forth as I cried and he cried with me. After what felt like forever, after feeling like the tears would never ever stop, they did. Nick loosened his grip slowly and lowered me back onto my pillow. He climbed under the covers beside me and pulled me close and we laid there in bed together for hours until both of us fell fast asleep.