I'm not exactly sure how long I ended up sleeping after that. What felt like days in reality was probably only a couple of hours. What I do know is, Brian kept his promise. When I finally stirred all those hours later and took a moment to glance around my hospital room they were all there.

Well... all but one.

Across the room seated at the small table by the window were my mom, my best friend Kelly, my sister-in-law Leighanne, and my cousin Kevin. Outside in the hall I could see my dad, talking to my brother Harold and there beside me in that same hospital chair, only now sound asleep with his forehead resting heavily on his hand and his elbow propped up on the bedside table, was Brian, looking about as uncomfortable on the outside as I felt on the inside.

I lay there for the longest time just watching everyone. Watching and allowing my brain the time to focus and take everything in. I watched as Brian slept beside me, snoring slightly every now and then. I thought about how exhausted he must be having flown all night the night before only to come straight to the hospital just to be there with me. I watched his steady breathing, watched his chest rise and fall and I was amazed by how much comfort the simple movement brought to me. I wondered if that's what he'd been doing all day, just watching me breathe. Watching and waiting and hoping.

I glanced across the room to where his wife was seated with our mother and my best friend. They were gathered around the table, quietly whispering as they flipped through a photo album I recognized immediately as pictures from our recent trip to Hawaii.

Hawaii.

I would have given anything to go back there again. To be away from the pain and the fear and to be peaceful and carefree once more. That trip had been the best time of my entire life. The best. All of us together -- Brian and Kevin, their wives, Nick and I...

Nick and I.

My life had felt so complete in Hawaii.

The three of them giggled over a photo and I knew without even looking which photo it was. We'd been hanging out on the deck of our beach house on our last night and as we headed out to dinner we stopped a young couple walking by and asked them to take our picture. The three of us girls - myself, Leighanne and Kristin - had clambored awkwardly onto the backs of the guys in our new matching Hawaiian dresses. There were two photos, the first was perfect and beautiful with all of us smiling directly into the camera... and then there was the photo. The one where we were all laughing. The one where Leighanne was falling off of Brian's back and Kristin had accidentally poked Kevin in the eye. And then, there was me... hanging upside down over Nick's shoulder where he'd flipped me, a well placed hand the only thing keeping me from exposing the world to more than they'd like to see as he tickled me and I laughed from under his arms. The look of devilishness on his face was priceless... and that had turned out to be one of our favorite photos of the whole trip. A framable moment of pure fun.

I watched as Kevin glanced towards the three of them and rolled his eyes. He'd been deeply engrossed in his phone for the past several minutes, typing what appeared to be long, elaborate text messages, most likely to Kristin who was home in LA with her family.

After a few more moments he finally looked up and caught my eye. I smiled weakly at him and he smiled back. "Well hey there beautiful," he whispered with a wink, "welcome back to the land of the living."

I forced a small, shallow laugh. Mostly because it hurt to laugh... but also because, I really felt anything but 'beautiful' at that exact moment. In fact, I felt rather like someone had removed my insides, scrambled them up and tried to jam them back into my body through my belly button. And they hadn't done a good job of it either. The pain must have registered on my face, because in the next second every single on of them had gathered around my bedside, concerned looks etched upon their faces.

"Are you in pain?" My mother asked as she ran her cool hands against my cheeks, a kind look of empathy crossing her face. I simply nodded my head in reply.

Is there anything we can get you?" My father asked, "Ice chips? Water? You say the words and we'll get it!"

I... I think I'm okay just now," I whispered softly, not fully trusting my voice. "I... I'm just sore... really sore." I shivered violently then, "... and maybe a b-bit c-cold." Though I'm certain the shivering was more from the pain than from actually being cold.

Leighanne and Kelly slid quickly to my bedside and busied themselves with adding the blankets the nurse had left for just such a purpose. As I watched my mother and father step out into the hallway to look for my doctor or nurse I caught Kevin's eye and watched as he frowned at the look on my face.

"What's wrong?" He questioned taking my hand gingerly in his.

I looked up into his deep green eyes and sighed, "He's coming isn't he?" I whispered... "I mean... he'll show up right? He has to show up."

Kevin sighed back before nodding reassuringly and squeezing my hand extra tight. "Please try not to worry about it Gracie... about him. I know Nick and I know that eventually, he's gonna be here."

I tried to nod but I could barely stop the flow of tears as they built up quickly behind my eyelids.

"He loves you Gracie," Kevin whispered, leaning down so that he was whispering right into my ear, "he WILL be here."

He looked me in the eye then and I had to look away quickly, trying harder still to fight back the tears threatening to slip from my eyes. The simple truth was I didn't want Nick to be here later... I wanted him to be here now. I needed him to be here right now. I wanted him to be the one holding my hand like Kevin was. I wanted him to be the one telling me he loved me... not someone else doing it for him. If I was right, if Nick was the man I was supposed to be spending the rest of my life with, then where the hell was he?

I felt Kevin squeeze my hand a little tighter still and I found myself looking back up into his caring eyes. "Hey," he sighed again, cupping my chin in his other hand, "you just worry about you right now baby girl... trust me, okay?" I nodded my head, continuing to fight the tears as I turned towards where Brian had begun to stir beside us. All at once his eyes shot open and he looked around the room with a start.

"Why didn't you wake me up?!" He began excitedly, "I wanted to be awake when she..."

But I cut him off quickly, "Brian," I stated softly, "it's okay. I just woke up and you haven't missed a thing. You needed the rest too."

He smiled then and came to my bed where he sank quickly onto the mattress beside me. "Always thinking of other people," He smiled as he smoothed my hair with his sweaty hand. "How are you feeling?"

I couldn't answer... because the truth was I felt awful. Not so much because I was in pain, but because in that moment, with Brian sitting on the bed next to me, all I could think of was how much I wished he was Nick. And how horrible was I to be thinking that way because Brian had been nothing if not absolutely amazing and I felt that wishing he were Nick meant wishing that he weren't there at all and well... that wasn't what I wanted either. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes yet again as I turned away from him towards the window.

"What is it G?" Brian asked, using his pet name for me which only made me feel even worse. A serious look found it's way into his eyes, "Are you hurting?"

I continued to stare out the window as if maybe the answer was waiting for me there in the afternoon sky. Still holding back the tears I turned to Brian and answered his question as honestly as I could... "I'm hurting... yeah. I just hurt a little bit."

Unfortunately, I was hurting in more ways than one and to say that I was only hurting a little was probably the understatement of the year. In reality, the pain had increased to a level hardly tolerable and I kept watching the door and waiting and hoping and praying that my mom would please God return soon with my nurse. Or a shot of morphine. Or a large enough baseball bat to beat me senseless. When she finally walked in after several agonizing more minutes, followed not only by a nurse, but by my doctor as well, I knew the whole room had to have sensed my relief.

My mom and dad stood by my side and held my hands as they busied themselves assessing my condition and filling my IV with much needed pain medication. The whole process took a little while and though the pain was lessening from the medications I'd been given, I still continuously winced in discomfort and couldn't relax. I wanted to know how the surgery had gone and every moment spent not knowing was a moment too long. And with every moment I grew even more anxious.

"Sooo..." I finally blurted out, trying my best to put on a brave face, and I'm sure failing miserably, "what's the news?"

I knew things had to be bad when the doctor nodded towards my parents and asked if they could have a moment alone with me. I wanted to tell her that anything she could tell me, she could tell them too. I wanted to scream out that my mom should stay... that someone should stay because I didn't want to be alone, because the last thing I needed in that moment was to be alone. I wanted to grab on to someone and hold them tight and not let go... but before I could say anything or do anything, they had nodded in my doctor's direction and stepped into the hallway. My dad gave me one last reassuring glance... and I was alone.

I must have looked terrified because my doctor, an amazing woman who'd taken care of me for many years, sat down on the end of my bed and took my hand in hers. I could feel my eyes once again filling with tears and I didn't even know the outcome yet.

"It's not great news Grace," she softly whispered, "We had to perform a total hysterectomy, it had spread to the uterus and fallopian tubes."

I nodded silently.

"We can't be sure that we were able to get all of the cancer cells, so we'll be discussing more chemotheraphy in the next few days and possibly beginning some radiation treatments..."

It was at this point that her words began to blur together as my mind tried to piece together this news. Somehow in my heart I'd known that this was what was going to happen. I'd been warned about the possibility that I would lose everything... that ovarian cancer was bad. But at 25 years old this wasn't the news I wanted to hear, even if it had been the news I'd expected. I could feel the tears finally beginning to slip down my cheeks as my doctor grasped my hand a little tighter.

"Grace," she went on quietly, and with a look of compassion I will never forget, "there's more..."

I could not even begin to imagine what the 'more' could be. I glanced up at her, the tears rolling steadily down my cheeks, and somehow, even though my heart told me I didn't want to hear whatever it was she had to tell me, I managed to nod for her to go on.

"You should know that you were about 5 weeks pregnant. In your condition of course there was no hope for the fetus... the baby. But I think it's your right to know."

Oh God.

"I am so, so very sorry Grace." I heard her whisper the words into the cold bitterness that had settled within my hospital room and though I hated the news she delivered, I'd known her long enough to believe she really was.