It wasn't until many hours later and following many lengthy discussions that I was finally left alone with my thoughts, and of course by that point I had no idea where to even begin.

I had to consider all of the treatments. All of the different options, and there were many. Dozens of different types of chemotherapy treatments and radiation and surgical procedures and other procedures. I had to weigh all the risks and benefits and think of all of the possible outcomes and not one of the decisions seemed like the easy, right choice. I mean, this was my life, so I couldn't make just some 'throw a penny in a pond and make a wish' choice... these were the choices that could mean the difference between a good outcome and bad. The choices that could mean the difference between life and death.

To be honest I don't remember a whole lot of what the doctors told me either. I spent the better part of those hours feeling numb and nauseous and completely overwhelmed by the entire situation. And oddly enough in a time when I would have thought I'd want to be surrounded by my family the most, I truly just wanted them to go home so that I could be alone. I mean, deep down inside I think I just really wanted to be alone because... I don't know... because I guess I thought being alone with all of my fears would force me to have to face them. To have to make the tough choices. But now that just seemed dumb.

Being alone did mean that I had to think about everything, but it didn't make the choices any easier. And I definitely wasn't prepared to face it all, alone or otherwise. Then again, I hadn't been prepared for any of this. I hadn't been prepared for a diagnosis of cancer. I hadn't been prepared to face chemotherapy. I hadn't been prepared for surgery, and yet, as unprepared as I'd been for all of that, I'd somehow managed to come to terms with each in my own way and in my own time. But this...

THIS.

There is no possible way to prepare to lose so much so quickly.

As I lay there in my hospital bed that night, long after visiting hours were over and my family and friends had come and gone, not even knowing the most painful part of this whole ordeal, I did the only thing I could think to do; I cried.

I cried for hours.

But even crying didn't seem to make things better.

I thought back on our trip to Hawaii, looking over at the photo that Leighanne had left on the bedside table. Hawaii was where this all began. Hawaii was where Nick and I had finally come to the realization that we were destined to spend the rest of our lives together. Hawaii was where Nick had gotten down on one knee beneath the moonlit sky and asked me to marry him. And now, now it was as obvious to me as the pain in my empty abdomen, that Hawaii was where our child, the only child I would ever bare, even if it was only for a moment, was conceived.

I would have given anything in that moment to go back to Hawaii and live those days again because had I known how drastically my life was going to change when my time there was over, I never would have agreed to come home.

"Nick! Honey!" I said loudly for the fourth or fifth time in row as I tried desparately to get my fiancee's attention over the roar of the crowded airport. When that didn't work I finally reached past my brother and pinched him in the side.

"Ouch! What?" He hissed, finally leaning in so that I could speak right into his ear.

"I've gotta run to the restroom real quick okay? Will you grab my bags for me?"

He nodded, "Of course babe, but really?" He gave me a slightly concered look, "That's like the third time you've been since we got here and you went like four times on the plane... are you sure you're okay?"

I rolled my eyes and rubbed my swollen abdomen, "Yes dear, I just drank too much water is all... you wouldn't want me to pee my pants in the taxi?!"

He laughed and pointed towards the ladies bathroom sign in the distance, "By all means... we know how you are."

I stuck my tongue out at him, because seriously... peeing your pants once when you're on a boat in the middle of the ocean and your boyfriend tickles you for 5 minutes straight even after you warned him repeatedly to stop doesn't count! I digress. "Just grab my bags and I'll meet y'all at the coffee pub in a few."

He nodded and kissed me gently on the lips before he turned back to the baggage area and I headed towards the airport facilities for yes, as Nick so kindly pointed out, the third time since our plane had arrived in California only 45 minutes before.

As I reached the bathroom door I glanced back quickly at Nick standing there, his hands in his pockets and his blonde hair jutting casually from beneath his baseball cap. He laughed at something Brian had said and again when Kevin reached out to playfully punch his shoulder. He was so oblivious to the world around him... so carefree. I asked myself silently why I couldn't be like that. My stomach was in knots and had been all day. I still couldn't believe he'd asked me to marry him! I was thrilled beyond words and could not have been happier, but for some reason even that feeling couldn't overcome the feeling within me that something bad was going to happen. Something horrible just waiting to come along and ruin my contentment.

Was it because we hadn't told anyone yet? Not even Kevin or Brian or Leighanne or Kristin. Or was I just nervous about the whole idea? I didn't know but no matter how hard I tried I could not put my finger on exactly what it was I was feeling. It was a dizzy sort of icky overwhelming feeling that bothered me immensely and it hit me head on like a ton of bricks when I was washing my hands after using the bathroom.

I was standing there splashing water on my face, trying my best to keep my body from collapsing when Leighanne stepped out of the stall behind me. It only took her one glance to freak out.

"Oh my god Grace, are you okay!?" She gasped as she came to my side, "you don't look well at all!"

I closed my eyes for a moment begging the world to stop spinning around me, "Yeah... umm..." I muttered, trying my best to sound coherent, "I'm just... I'm dizzy is all. It uh... it must be jet lag. Yeah... I just need some water." Although as much as I tried to convince myself that's all it was, I knew there was no way I was going to make it out of the bathroom in the state I was in. I could barely put my words together, let alone walk. My whole body ached with exhaustion and all I wanted to do was collapse into a heap. To make matters worse I began to have that familiar feeling you get when you're about to pass about... where all you can hear is a strange buzzing and the world begins closing in around you in that eerie sense of tunnel vision and you know it won't be long before you wake up on the floor.

I somehow managed to ask Leighanne to get me a bottle of water... and one of the guys. Because I was beginning to think a strong set of arms would come in handy.

She left quickly and I slid down onto the cool tile floor against the wall, my head pressed between my knees, hoping with all my might that I wouldn't keel over right there. I waited for what felt like an eternity for Leighanne to return, stuck there as several strangers stopped to ask if I needed help. I vaguely remember responding to someone that I just needed some rest.

When at last I finally felt someone touch my arm I was relieved to look up and find Nick's concerned face peering down upon me, and in the ladies room no less (Leighanne promises they knocked before he came in). Leighanne handed me a water bottle and sat beside me while Nick grabbed some wet paper towels. He returned a few seconds later and gently placed them on my forehead before leaning me comfortably into his shoulder.

"I thought you said you were okay!?" He whispered in a stern but yet still comforting voice.

All I could do was shake my head and sink even farther into his chest.

"Baby you are definitely not okay." He checked me over as I laid against him and then he rested his cool hand against my forehead, "hot," he whispered to Leighanne, but I shrugged him quickly off.

"I'm just tired..." I muttered under my breath, trying to convince myself this was true as much as them, "I'm okay now... let's just go."

I only half remember walking through the airport, Nick on one side, Brian on the other, the two of them trying their best to steady me as Kristin and Kevin ran ahead to hail a cab. I felt absolutely horrible... and I must have looked it too because both Brian and Nick kept eyeing me as if I were a ticking time bomb ready to drop at any second.

"Do you need to stop?" Brian kept asking?

"Maybe you should sit down for a minute," was Nick's continual insistence. But all I could think about in those minutes was getting the hell out of that airport and into a comfortable bed somewhere.

By the time we finally reached the hotel an hour or so later I felt a little better. I'd slept nearly the entire way, my head on Nick's shoulder, his arms wrapped snuggly around me, only disturbed the several times Brian felt the need to ask me if I was 'hanging in there' or Kevin had insisted upon reaching over to feel my forehead before Leighanne and Kristin finally made them leave me alone.

I was grateful to finally be in a room with a bed and not too terribly upset when the guys decided they would go for a late night swim and leave us girls alone to watch a movie. At least I could stay curled up in bed, and girls night always made me feel better.

After we'd gotten settled in with our room service and engrossed in the sappiest movie we could find, I noticed Leighanne staring at me curiously. I raised my eyebrows questioningly at her.

"So..." she whispered in a somewhat anticipatory tone as she shifted herself in the bed and pushed mute on the tv, "you're okay right? I mean... you aren't like, pregnant are you?"

I jumped, coughing as I choked on the piece of popcorn I'd enhaled into my windpipe. "What!?!" I asked, shocked by what she'd just asked me. "NO! I mean... you don't think? I mean... Brian doesn't... OH GOD!! NO! I"m definitely not pregnant!" I finally managed to choke out the words.

Both of them sat there for a few moments just staring at me before Kristin started to laugh.

"Why are you laughing?!" I asked, I'm sure my eyes growing wider by the second.. were they seriously serious?

"Confession..." she responded, eyeing me sideways as she shrugged her shoulders, "I was wondering the same thing. I mean... I just wasn't brave enough to ask!"

"Oh my God!"

She looked at me again and smiled and laughed before the two of them tried their best to calm me down by reassuring me that they were just wondering. I mean, I'd been feeling rough and tired and peeing a lot... and those were all signs of pregnancy... so alright, I'd give them that. Once I got past the shock of it even I had to laugh. I mean, it was funny after all. Me, pregnant? Naw. I mean, Nick and I had only just gotten to the point in our relationship where we even had sex... no, it just wasn't possible. We laughed a while longer at the thought before we went back to watching the movie. But of course by that time my mind was elsewhere. I watched the two of the them watching the movie and I started to wonder if I shouldn't just go ahead and say it... tell them that we were getting married. That the big secret I really DID have was the best secret I'd had in my whole life and that if I didn't tell someone soon I would surely explode!

Leighanne clearly sensed that I was bursting to tell them something though because she pushed mute again and landed on me like a bird on its prey, "Okay Kathryn Grace Littrell!" she shot at me, "whatever it is... spill it!"

I laughed... and then I did. I told them all about how Nick had asked me to marry him in Hawaii and about how I was absolutely positive that he was the one I wanted to spend the entire rest of my life with.

"Oh my God!" Kristin sighed, "I can't believe you didn't tell us sooner!"

"No wonder you're so exhausted, trying to hide a secret as awesome as all that!" Leighanne hugged me tightly and smiled enthusiastically. "We have some major planning to do!"

Kristin giggled, "I can't believe you actually got the boy to settle."

And with that we all burst into laughter.