I lay in bed that night for several more long and agonizing hours, not sleeping, just thinking. Thinking about all the things I'd been through in the surrounding weeks, and all the things yet to come. About how my life had changed so drastically in such a short time and about how there's simply no way you can possibly prepare yourself for something like cancer.

And sadly you can't prepare the people you love either.

I glanced at the photo from Hawaii, still on my nightstand. I reached out and took it, holding it close to my heart trying to think of the good memories instead of the bad. Trying to think of the way it felt to be with Nick... to hold him and smell him and feel him. But all I could think about now was that night, and as horrible as it had been, I'm sure would be forever etched into my memory.

It was sometime around 3:00 in the morning when I was suddenly jolted awake by the sharp pain that ripped through my abdomen. I gasped as it surged forcefully through my body, again and again, continuing in agonizing, neverending waves. I felt like I was on fire. I couldn't cry, I couldn't breathe... I couldn't even roll over or open my mouth to yell out for help. I was stuck in that terrifying moment unable to even move a muscle.

I laid there for what felt like an eternity as my body shook violently, wracked from the agonizing pain. I wanted to scream... I waited in misery for the moment I could catch my breath and when that moment finally came, I inhaled as much air as my lungs could hold and tried my best to speak. My voice was weak and I could only gasp out into the darkness for Nick to wake up... to please God just wake up. He stirred a little just as I gave up and I thought he was going to roll over and go back to sleep, but then suddenly he bolted upright in the bed. I could see him grasping at the pillows and the sheets on the bed, obviously confused as to what had awoken him.

By that time I had curled into the fetal position on my side of the bed, sweat pouring from every gland in my body, praying for relief and completely overcome by a kind of pain I'd never before experienced in my life. I could only watch helplessly as he groped around confused before I finally reached out and touched his arm.

He barely looked up, running his hand once more across the gap between us. He looked down at his hand with a frown and then touched my shoulder gently, "Hey Gracie, hey, um... I think you um, wet the bed or something...er... everything's wet..."

I fought hard to respond, to gather the strength to yell out. Until he'd said those words I hadn't truly realized just how much I'd been sweating, but god. My face and my hair were soaked, along with my pajamas, the pillow and sheets beneath me. What the hell was happening to me?

"Hey Grace," I heard him say again as he poked me once more in the shoulder.

I fought even harder then and suddenly a small whimper... a small sob escaped from my throat and then another and another...

"Oh... um... Gracie don't cry!" He said as he gently reached out and touched my shoulder. I watched him ball up the sheets on his side of the bed, "So you wet the bed, it happens okay... we'll just get us both cleaned up and..."

I couldn't gather the strength enough to try and explain what was happening, especially when I didn't even know myself. I just remember reaching my hand out at that exact moment and grabbing his arm, hard. He stopped talking and in that second I used every last bit of strength I had left in me as I cried out in the most agonizing voice I'd ever heard come out of me, "Nick! PLEASE just HELP ME!"

And it was clear then that up until that exact moment he'd been oblivious to the fact that anything was really wrong. But upon hearing those words... upon hearing me cry out into the darkness for him to help me, he literally leapt out of the bed. He threw the wadded up sheet aside, flipped the light on and was back at my side in a matter of seconds.

"Oh God Grace... what's wrong!? You're soaking wet! What hurts?? Are you sick???"

He was asking questions faster that I could possible answer, and then he stopped. I watched as he stared down at me, laying there in the bed, curled up in a ball as the tears streamed steadily down my face. I clutched my abdomen and prayed like hell for the pain to end.

Nick didn't say another word. He didn't ask another question. That was all it took for him to jump into action. He ran into the bathroom and emerged seconds later with a dry towel to soak up some of the sweat. As he helped me from my side of the bed to his side, which sadly wasn't a whole lot drier, I heard him gasp. I had no idea why, but it scared me a little. He finished situating me against the pillows before quickly vanishing into the bathroom, returning once more moments later, this time with a cool rag that he placed carefully on my head.

I felt the mattress sink as he body sank down beside mine and I watched as he picked up the phone and started dialing numbers. I wanted to ask him what he was doing? Who the heck he was calling at three in the morning, but I didn't have the energy. Then I heard him speak to unsuspecting individual at the other end of the line...

"Yeah, hey Bri, it's Grace... yeah, she's on fire. Uh huh... um... I think it's her stomach. Please... okay, we'll see you in sec." And with those words he hung up the phone and turned his attention back to me.

By then the pain was starting to ease up a bit, like a horrible leg cramp that was starting to subside but still tingled uncomfortably. I was shivering something awful though and I still couldn't figure out what the hell was going on with me. Nick leaned over and removed the cloth from my head, telling me over and over again to just hang in there. I looked up into his eyes then... those same beautiful, concerned blue eyes that I'd looked into for years and years... and I fell in love all over again. My teeth were chattering, my head was throbbing, I was covered in sweat and I had to pee like crazy... but I would have laid there in that moment, looking up into those eyes as he rubbed his cool hands against my cheeks, forever.

Unfortunately the moment ended with a knock on the door. Nick brushed my cheek one last time before going to answer it. Brian and Leighanne shuffled in looking half awake and awfully disheveled, followed only seconds later by an equally exhausted looking Kevin, and a still yawning Kristin. I felt horrible. Not only because physically I really felt horrible, but also because I was clearly the cause of the room full of people who'd all jumped out of their cozy beds in the middle of the night... and for what. The pain was subsiding quickly now and it all seemed pointless.

They didn't seem to mind though as Brian moved quickly to the side of my bed. "You look awful Grace!" He stated bluntly as he reached out to feel my forehead.

I couldn't help but roll my eyes, because gee thanks, what a nice way to greet someone who feels like shit.

"Where does it hurt?" Kevin asked as he too stepped forward and felt my cheeks. And it didn't even bother me. I mean, I was used to Brian being the overprotective big brother... and Kevin... well, he was Kevin, what more can I say? But I'll admit, when they both pulled their hands away quickly and looked at one another awkwardly, I was a little concerned. It was like they'd touched a hot stove or something and had to check to see if it'd had the same effect on the other.

I pushed their hands away when they came at me again and told them I thought I was okay... just weak, and that it must have been a muscle spasm or a cramp or something... maybe a stomach bug. I told them that now my head was the only thing hurting -- which wasn't a lie, it was killing me -- and that I would just like to go back to sleep, and hopefully I'd wake up feeling 100% better. They looked concerned but agreed to head back to their rooms with the assurance that Nick would call if anything changed.

Before they left though, I called Leighanne over and asked if she could help me to the bathroom. I still had to go badly and I felt too weak to make it on my own... and peeing in front of my boyfriend wasn't an experience I was ready for.

Leighanne laughed and helped me from the bed. We walked together towards the bathroom, but halfway there I began to feel extremely dizzy and chilled and to my chagrin the pain began to return with a vengance. I didn't say a word though, just waited for Leighanne to leave me alone in the bathroom where I quickly sat down hoping that relieving my aching bladder would help. Instead, the room began to grow dim around me. I leaned forward, placing my head between my knees as I prayed that I wouldn't pass out and then, I tried to pee. But nothing happened. I couldn't go even though I so badly needed to. I sat up once more and massaged my aching abdomen managing to squeeze out only a few painful drops before glancing down and noticing with shock that the toilet was filled with bright red blood.

And it scared the hell out of me.

I grew dizzier with each passing second and for the second time that night I wanted to scream out for help, but couldn't. I could hear the buzz of conversation on the other side of the door, just beyond my reach and I hoped that someone, anyone would just come in and check on me. Another searing pain ripped through me and this time I lost it. I lurched forward and gasped in agony as the room steadily darkened around me. I grabbed blindly for the trashcan and wretched into it repeatedly, unable to vomit anymore than I could pee. I felt like my entire body was shutting down on me and I was helpless to do a damn thing to stop it.

The chatter outside the door stopped abruptly and then a knock on the door followed quickly by a familiar voice that said, "Sweetie, it's us... we're coming in!"

And the door opened quickly and Leighanne and Kristin were at my side in seconds as I said a silent "Thank God," in my mind.

Kristin, who'd actually worked part-time as a nurse for several years was the first to speak. She held my head in her hands and looked into my eyes. "Gracie," she said calmly, but firmly in her attempt to draw my attention momentarily away from my pain, "we need to know what's wrong. We need to know exactly where it hurts."

All I could do was gasp and clutch my abdomen as I tried to say the words through the constant wretching, "bl-bl-.... blood..... l-lots.... of .... blood."

She looked surprised. "What? Where?" She examined my body quickly, looking slightly confused before she clearly realized what I meant. She motioned for Leighanne to help her and the two of them lifted my gently. I heard Leighanne's soft gasp and the room took another spin.

"Oh God..." I moaned.

"Okay sweetie," Kristin's voice came through to me, gentle and soothing as she held on tightly. "It's gonna be okay." She was giving instructions to Leighanne as she comforted me, telling her to grab the towels and lay them on the floor. Together they eased me gently onto the towels where Leighanne covered me as Kristin explained that she needed to go out and tell the guys.

At almost that exact moment there was a knock at the door and I could hear Nick and Brian asking if everything was okay... if they needed to do anything. The girls glanced silently at one another for a moment and then down to where I was sprawled on the bathroom floor, my arm draped over my face. And then Leighanne knelt beside me and took my hand as Kristin walked forward and cracked the door open a few inches.

"Yes," I heard her say as she stuck her head from the door, "You need to call an ambulance right now."

And I don't remember what happened after that.

Sitting in my hospital bed, thinking back on that moment, there in that hotel bathroom... I don't think I believed my life could get any worse that it was right then. I remember laying there on that cold bathroom floor, terrified that I was going to die and yet somehow equally as terrified that I wouldn't. The pain was so horrible I knew it couldn't get worse.

I remember how Leighanne held my hand and comforted me as we waited for what felt like an eternity for the ambulance to arrive. I remember gripping her hand as tightly as I possibly could and I remember that even still it wasn't enough. I remember trying my best to breathe in and out, through the pain, like a woman in labor without the perfect end result. I remember staring at the doors as if watching them could make something happen faster.

Now I found myself watching a different door.... in a different room... in a different kind of pain.

How had I gotten here?

Why me?

Why us?

Would he come?

Please God let him come.