The words to my favorite Brad Paisley song echoed in my mind as I laid in my hospital bed late into the evening after my surgery. I glanced around the room at all of the various monitors and IV's and shivered for a moment at the sight of the numerous tubes and wires running in and out of places I didn't even want to try to imagine. I closed my eyes again and let the music fill my head as my thoughts drifted back and forth from the past, to the present before stopping myself short of letting them venture too far ahead into the future. I was thankful that I had my IPod. Thankful that I'd had the insight to download a ton of new music before my surgery, which I'd done because I knew I'd need something to help me pass the boring moments... but which I'd found to be more healing than anything. I had hundreds of albums and musicians to choose from but for whatever reason, I kept coming back to this same old song.

I'd finally given up on sleep after several long hours of trying unsuccessfully to clear my mind and instead I flipped on the light above my bed and pulled out my journal, turning to the words I'd written only a week before;

April 21st,

Nick left this morning... He said he needed some time alone to think about things. I'm not sure exactly what those things are, but I think I have to be okay with it. I know this is hard for him... hard for all of them. It's hard on me too.

I didn't wish for any of this to happen. What am I saying? I mean, no one would wish for something like this.

Anyway... he said he's going to spend some time with AJ, so at least I guess I know he's not alone.

Surgery's in five days... I'm scared. So scared.

I haven't said this to anyone, I'm afraid if I say it it'll make me weak... but I'm so afraid to die. I haven't even really lived yet. Not really.

I traced my fingertips over the words on the page and closed my eyes, trying to imagine where he was and what he was doing at that exact moment. Maybe he was thinking about me too... maybe he was just as scared as I was.

My thoughts played back to the day we met and it felt like an eternity of lifetimes ago.

It was on a warm October day in 1993. I was sitting in the back seat of my mom's minivan, my heart racing and my mind going a thousand miles a minute. My mom had told me only 5 minutes earlier that I was going to be seeing my big brother and the Backstreet Boys for the very first time. I would have jumped up and down if I could have, but the broken ankle I was nursing along at the time held me back. I mean gosh, I hadn't seen my brother in SIX whole months, since the day he'd gotten the call from Kevin and my mom and dad sat me down for the long and painful talk about how my life was going to be changing pretty drastically. I think I went through every stage of grief after that day, from sadness to anger to bargaining. I didn't know what they even were at the time, but looking back, I did it all... until finally I just had to accept it.

It was difficult enough being the baby sister... being so much younger than both Harry and Brian, but the three of us had always been close with Harold already away from home I was really depending on those last few months of having my other big brother at home before he too went off to college. Understandably I was heartbroken when he left, and understandably it took me a while to get over it... and even more understandably the news of his return had me totally stoked!

"When are we going to see him!" I shouted as I clambored into the back seat of my mom's minivan before she even had a chance to open her door. "When, when, when?!"

Mom couldn't help but smile as she climbed into the driver's seat and turned the key in the ignition. "How about right now."

The entire ride from the elementary school to the high school took only a couple of minutes and in those couple of minutes my excitement level grew tenfold. "Is Keving gonna be there too?" I asked, biting my fingers with anticipation. I missed him too.

"Yep," my mom responded, they're all gonna be there. You'll get to meet all of Bri's new friends and they get to perform a few songs tonight before the football game. Isn't that exciting?" I nodded to her as she glanced at me in the rearview mirror. We smiled at each other and I knew she was as excited as I was.

And then I looked down at my foot. "Hey mom..." I frowned and she responded with her motherly "mmmhmm?"

"Do we have to tell Bri what happened to my foot?" My mom laughed, but it really wasn't that funny. "I mean can't we make up something cool... like I broke it skateboarding or something?" I really didn't want to admit that I'd broken my ankle falling down our basement stairs with the laundry basket. I mean, how pathetic is that?

She laughed again, "Well sweetie, I think Brian already knows. Remember he sent you the card and flowers when you were in the hospital?"

"Oh... well nevermind then." I really wished he could have thought I was cooler.

"We're supposed to meet Aunt Ann out here," she said as she pulled into the parking lot, "So keep your eyes peeled." I didn't see Ann anywhere, but I spotted Kevin by the doors to the gym. "MOM!!!" I screamed, there's Kev!" She pulled into a space and I jumped from the car without even thinking. "OUCH!" I cried when I landed hard on my foot. I bit my lip as I tried to keep the tears from coming. My mom hurried around to my side of the car and helped me sit down on the curb. "Are you okay?" She asked just as Kevin came running towards us.

"Oh no," I whispered as I wiped furiously at my eyes - the last thing I wanted was for Kevin to see me crying like a baby.

"Hey Aunt Jackie," I heard Kevin's voice as I looked up in time to see him giving my mom a big hug from behind. He looked down at me with a smile that was quickly replaced by a look of concern, "Oh my gosh! What the heck happened to your foot cuz?"

When I didn't answer because I was still too busy trying to keep from crying because of the throbbing in my leg, my mom started to respond instead. "Well she..." but then she caught my eye and gave me a grin, "Why don't you tell him what happened Gracie?"

"Skydiving accident." I said as seriously as I could muster.

"No kiddin' huh?" Kevin laughed, and I nodded as he reached down to help me up. He gave me a big hug and smiled at me. I winced in pain when I put weight on my ankle but I was determined to get inside and see my brother. I grabbed my crutches and struggled towards the gym doors until suddenly I felt myself being lifted off the ground and hoisted into the comfortable arms of my cousin. "That better?" He asked and I nodded once more, wiping a tear that had slipped from my eye and onto my cheek. I turned away, hoping he wouldn't see.

"It's okay to cry you know?" He whispered in my ear and I nodded as I rested my head on his shoulder. "So what really happened to your foot?"

"I broke it chasing a murder suspect..." I whispered, thinking about the tv show I'd watched the night before.

Kevin snorted and shook his head, "You are too much." He carried me into the gym and down the hall to the office where all of the guys had gathered to rest before the performance. He settled me onto the sofa in the corner of the room next to a blonde haired boy who didn't look much older than me.

"Hey," I smiled raising my hand in a small wave, "I'm Brian's sister."

"Oh, hi. I'm Nick." He smiled back and I remember then, even at ten years old, my heart skipped a beat. He was cute. His blonde hair hanging in his eyes, his eyes that were bluer than any I think I'd ever seen before.

Just then Kevin came back into the room, Brian following behind him. "Hey Nick," he said without even looking up, "We should maybe play some nintend... OH! Gracie-mae!" And with those words he flew to the couch and hugged me so tightly I thought he might smother me. "How're you doing... I was worried about you after your surgery!"

I smiled, "Good... it wasn't too bad, I got to miss a whole week of school!"

"What'd you do?" Nick asked.

"Skydiving accident." Kevin stated as matter-of-factly as I had to him, and Brian turned to him with a laugh as Nick looked skeptical. "What, it's true." He winked at me and I laughed too.

"Well I'm glad you're doing good Grace, but hey look... I have to go get ready, you know make-up and all that. Why don't you hang out in here with Nick and Kevin until I get back." I nodded and smiled, not at all upset that I might get to know the cute boy sitting next to me a little better.

"Sooo," Nick said after we'd sat in silence for a few minutes. "Who are your favorite musicians?"

"Wellll," I smiled, "I like Mariah Carey, Boyz II Men and En Vogue."

Nick smiled, "Good choices. I thought you might like country like your brother and cousin..." and he laughed.

I laughed too. "Well... I do like Garth Brooks and Reba McEntire..."

He shook his head and made a yuck face, "I guess that's okay, as long as you don't start singing "Achey Breaky Heart."

"Deal." I smiled. "What about you?"

"Oh, I like all sorts of music," He nodded animatedly, as if I'd asked the greatest question in the world. "I'm into Journey, Michael Jackson, Bryan Adams, Sting... just about everything."

It was my turn to make a frowny face because, "Sting? Really?"

He grinned and nodded, "Mmmhmm. What's your favorite song right now?"

"Well... I'm really liking Dreamlover by Mariah Carey right now. You?"

"Ever heard of Mr. Big?"

I nodded my head and smiled, "You mean..." and I looked him in the eye right then and took a deep breath before closing my eyes and belting it out... "I'm the one who wants to be with you, deep inside I hope you'll feel it too..."

And in the next moment he was singing with me, "Build up your confidence so you can be on top for once, wake up who cares about little boys who talk too much..."

I opened my eyes and looked at him. He smiled at me and I couldn't help but smile back even harder. I may have only been 10, but I definitely had a huge crush.

"You're not half bad," he winked, and at that moment Brian and Kevin walked back into the room and it was Nick's turn to go get ready.

I smiled thinking about how cute Nick was back then. About how innocent we both were. I wished with all my heart I could go back in time sometimes. Back to before Nick... before the Backstreet Boys. Back to before Kevin's father died. Back to before I even knew such a thing as cancer existed.

Looking back on that day, I remembered that moment and meeting Nick for the first time and the way he looked, his beautiful blue eyes and his sweet demeanor. His squeaky voice and his charm... but it's funny, when I ask Nick about that day, he doesn't really remember it. For him, I was just a 10-year-old kid and he was a boy in a band. It wasn't until many years later that Nick looked at me and saw me as something more. But that's the day I'll always remember my heart skipping it's first beat.

I sighed, wiping away a tear as a different song came on and this time instead of flipping back to the same old familiar, I changed it instead to an old classic. Just then a nurse came in the room to check my vitals again. She raised her eyebrows, glancing at the clock and then back to where I was laying.

"Can't sleep?" She asked gently as she checked the numbers on my iv bags and adjusted all of my lines and medications, writing down yet more information that would go into the novel my chart was becoming.

I shook my head, leaning back into the bed as the blood pressure cuff tightened around my arm for what felt like the hundreth time that hour. "Too much on my mind I guess," I whispered and she patted my shoulder as she wrote down the newest BP number that popped up as the cuff loosened.

"Would you like something to help you sleep?" She asked, her voice so kind I couldn't say no. I nodded silently, but was honestly thanking God that I might finally be able to relax and rest. I watched as she pulled out a syringe and filled it with medication which she quickly pushed into my IV. I felt at east almost immediately and within minutes I was drifting off to sleep, the sounds of Mr. Big still echoing in my mind.