I stood outside the door of his room, steeling myself for the emotions I would feel when I entered. As many times as I'd told myself not to get close to my patients... as many times as I'd told myself to seperate my work and my private life... I still found myself in this place again -- standing outside the door of a patient's room, filled with emotions about letting them go.

I pushed record on my camera as I opened the door, not sure exactly what I'd find inside, but knowing the memory would be one that Matthew's family would want to keep. I was greeted by a sea of balloons and streamers and the bustle of several family members and friends I'd come to know throughout the years. Matthew's mom stood beside his bed holding his hand and his little sister was bouncing around in circles playing with a balloon.

"Good morning!" I said as I briefly lowered the video camera and made my way over to Matthew's bed.

"Hey Jess," Matthew smiled weakly at me and lifted his hand in a wave.

His mother stepped aside and nodded her head as if letting me know she was giving me my time with her son. "I'll be back in a minute," She whispered down to Matthew, "I'm going to take Olivia to the cafeteria for a snack." He nodded back at her and raised himself up to a seated position on the bed. He looked good in his t-shirt and baseball cap... healthier than I'd seen him in years.

He smiled at me again and I lifted my camera up once more and began filming.

"Are you excited about going home?" I asked him as the smile on his face widened even more.

"A little." He nodded, but his face took on a more solemn look.

"What's up?" I asked lowering the camera again and taking his hand in mine.

"It's just... well... I don't know how to explain it." He said as he reached up and adjusted the cap on his head.

"You could try." I prodded him this time, I usually tried not to prod but with him leaving in a few hours time I thought it was important.

"Well, I just guess... it's just... I know I'll be back here."

I looked at him and he looked back at me. He had tears in his eyes but he wouldn't actually cry. I knew Matthew too well. I held his hand tighter in mine.

"What makes you think that Matthew? I mean everything looks good so far." It was true. As far as all of his bone marrow transplants had gone this one was turning out the best. His body was responding fairly well and his attitude seemed a lot more positive... at least until now.

He looked at me and shook his head. "I just don't think it's going to work... I mean... I don't think it's supposed to work."

I peered up at him and our eyes met. There was something there... something in this child's eyes, this 14-year-old boy's eyes... an understanding, a realization that was lost on patients far older that he was. He seemed to hold the key to life right there in his eyes. I didn't know what the future held for Matthew and I was not about to make empty promises to a boy I'd seen return to the hospital too many times in his short 14 years of life. The truth was Matthew was probably right.

I reached out and gave him a hug. It wasn't something I often did, but it felt right. He hugged me back.

"Can I still be a part of that movie Jessica?" He asked changing the subject... or maybe not really changing the subject, I wasn't sure.

"Of course you can!" I pulled back from our hug and looked at him, surprised he'd even ask. "Whenever you're ready... you let me know."

He sighed and nodded his head. "Not yet... soon... but not yet."

I nodded back at him and glanced up as his mom and sister entered the room along with the rest of their family.

"We ready to do this Mattie?" She asked as she strolled over to the bed and I stepped out of the way. She took his hand in hers and leaned down to kiss him on the forehead. I couldn't help but marvel at their relationship. So beautiful. A woman who'd lost her husband 5 years ago to cancer now stood the chance of losing her son too. She was far stronger than I felt I ever would have been in that situation. Always there for Matthew... always supportive. She let him make most of the decisions about his treatment... she said she wanted him to have the ultimate decision. She knew his chances were slim but she kept her spirits up... for him.

"I'm ready," Matthew smiled up at his mom. I saw a different side of him with her. The side that always put on his bravest face. He never let life get him down when his mother was in the room.

"Let's sing then," I said as I took a handful of confetti and prepared myself for the chorus... the room suddenly filled with other doctors and nurses... Matthew's other doctors and nurses and some who'd just happened to be walking by at the moment...

The room filled with cheers and applause. Confetti was thrown, hugs were numerous. I made my way over to Matthew and gave him the biggest hug I could muster. This was routine in our hospital when children went home from treatment. We sang them off... said our goodbyes... sent them on their way... And we silently hoped and prayed they'd never come back.